—

Chapter 7:

—

At the airport she was greeted by not only Zafrina but her parents as well. They had come to surprise her and they gave her big hugs and followed her back to Zafrina's place and helped her unpack. Christmas was right around the corner and they made her promise to come visit.

The magazine had set her up with a job at the American offices and she started work right away, no longer an intern but a professional fashion photographer. Zafrina was still working at the coffeeshop and putting away for grad school. Living together strengthened their friendship and when Christmas came around Alice took Zafrina with her to stay with her folks upstate for a couple days. There was only one room and one bed that they had to share and sometimes their eyes would catch and tentative smiles would cross their lips. One night they even shared a kiss but it only lasted a moment or two before Alice pushed at Zafrina's chest gently before confessing there was another woman she couldn't stop thinking about.

Back in the city she renewed her membership at the gym and got changed and came back out the locker rooms in all new gymwear. Spandex tights of pastel pink and a white tanktop with little more coverage than a bra. She made her way to the treadmills, glancing about. Nobody she recognized. Men in muscle tops. Women taking a Tai Bo class in the corner.

Her schedule at the magazine didn't allow her to go everyday but she went as often as she could. She had gained a couple pounds overseas and she could use the exercise. She added some weight training to her routine and she was already developing some nice little biceps.

For a long time she kept an eye on the rest of the gym but it had been two weeks and no sign of her. Bella. Alice wasn't sure how to feel about that. She supposed there weren't many people in the world who stuck with the same gym for over two years straight but still. For some reason the idea of her abandoning the gym was very sad. Bella had loved her workouts. She often said it was the one place where she could let go and be herself. Not finding her here felt like maybe the woman had given up. Felt like she had been defeated. Alice finished her rep with the dumbbell and sat up and mopped her forehead with a towel. She looked out across the gym but there was still nothing. She wondered if maybe she should just call or even just pop over her house but part of her also wondered if it was for the best that she hadn't found her here.

—

Bella had quit going to the gym shortly after her last conversation with Zafrina. Instead she made do with the exercise bike in her room and parking twenty minutes from her office for two long walks every day. It was supposed to help her forget about Alice but the effect was exactly the opposite: it only made her think about Alice even more.

It was mid-February when she renewed her gym membership. She knew there was never going to be any chance of finding the girl here but she didn't care. Perhaps it was only the gesture that mattered. The sentiment. Clad in a black hoody with the hood up and haunting the gym like a ghost in search of some lost love who would never return. Bella smiled to herself as she climbed onto the cycle and started peddling. Slowly at first and then faster. Faster. Racing on the spot and moving nowhere. Much like life itself. Always going yet never gaining, frozen in motion, the hiss of the wheelbelt slithering in her ears under the low melody in her iPod.

A few days later she looked up and saw Alice.

The feeling that washed over her was so cold. So unreal. Slowly she stopped pedalling and sat there. Alice. Alice was over there and she was exactly the same as she remembered. Almost. Her hair was a little longer in the front. Stylishly swept aside. Bathed in the sunlight that spilled through the glassceiling. Encased in her own little nimbus of light like a dream wandered into reality. She was doing some stretches over by the treadmills and now she bent over to touch her toes and displayed an ass that was round and perfect and wrapped in skintight pink spandex.

Bella fell off the bike.

Literally.

Just slipped off as if all her bones had been liquefied. She landed on a hip and a woman on a nearby bike laughed and asked if she was alright. Bella nodded and pulled out her earbuds and climbed back onto the bike. Her limbs were weak and feverish. Her heart seemed to be beating the wrong way. Backwards or sideways. She had half expect the girl to have dissolved back into the desperate longing of her imagination from where it had to have come but now the girl was looking over. She seemed to have noticed the woman's tumble and she was smiling.

Bella tried to pedal but her legs wouldn't work. They kept trying to go backwards. She swallowed and tried not to look at the girl. She was afraid to. When she did look up she saw the girl was coming over. She stopped pedalling again and waited with the whole world wheeling all around her.

"Hey," the girl said.

Bella nodded jerkily. "Hi."

"You still come here, huh?"

"Yeah. I stopped for a while, but uh…" She chuckled and patted her stomach. "Still need those abs."

"You look pretty good to me."

"You too. Did you enjoy Paris?"

"Yeah. Finished my internship."

"That's great."

Alice nodded. They fell silent. Bella sat there with her heart hammering and the pulse in her throat on the verge of bursting. She could hear the clank of weight gear. The dancetrack from the speakers. Everything electric. Humming in her head.

Alice was looking at the floor and now she looked up.

"Listen," she said. "I wanted to apologize for how I took off way back when. I shouldn't have just left like that."

"You're apologizing? To me?"

The girl smiled and shrugged. Bella was stunned. Mouth open. Blinking.

"So how've you been?" the girl asked.

"Um, okay, I guess."

"Still married?"

"Yeah. Well, no. Separated. We got separated a while back but we're holding off on divorce. The kids are still in school and…"

Bella trailed off with a seeping feeling of shame in her stomach. Alice should not have to listen to that shit. Bella climbed off the bike and looked at Alice with tears in her eyes.

"Alice, I'm so sorry," she said. "What I did was unforgivable."

Alice shrugged it off. "It's alright."

"No, it's not. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you, but I was just so afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Everything. Losing you. Losing my family. Everything. No matter what I did, it was wrong. There was just nothing I could do."

"You could've told me the truth. I would've even helped you through it."

"I couldn't do that to you."

"So instead you lied to me? You thought that would work out better?"

"I'm sorry, Alice."

Alice shook her head, upset for a moment, but then she forced it away and smiled. "Well, it was a long time ago. It doesn't matter. I'm just happy to see you again."

Bella couldn't believe what she was hearing. Alice had forgiven her. Alice was happy to see her. Bella swallowed and gave a wet little chuckle.

"Me too," she said. "I'm happy to see you too."

"You wanna get a drink and catch up properly?"

"Sure."

"No lies this time?"

"No lies this time."

—

Zafrina froze with the coffeepot when she looked up and saw Alice and Bella enter the shop like old friends, smiling, chatting, taking off their coats. They took a table together and Zafrina stared for a while before coming over to serve them with a flare of her eyes at Alice as if to ask what the hell she was doing.

They ordered lattes and a couple biscotti. It was like a mirror image of their first date only this time with no reason to keep secrets. Zafrina set their lattes on the table and gave Alice another look. Alice only smiled as if she knew what she was doing. Bella smiled as well and gave the black woman a nod as she went away.

"So," Alice said, settling with her elbows on the table. "You said you were still married?"

"Kind of, yeah. Separated. Different bedrooms. We're holding off on divorce because of the kids. Neither of us can afford the house on our own and we'd hate to pull them out of school."

"I take it that means you've finally figured yourself out?"

"Well, it's not like I had much choice."

"I suppose I should be flattered that I made such a strong impression on you."

"You have no idea."

Alice giggled. The sound of it tingled in Bella's chest. The sweetest sound she ever heard.

"So what about you?" Bella asked. "What did you get up to in Paris?"

"Oh, mostly working. And partying. And drinking. And having lots of fun."

"Did you ever get homesick?"

"Not really. I made sure to skype with my parents at least once every week and Zafrina was always calling or texting. The only thing I actually missed was…"

Alice managed to stop herself but she couldn't quite stop her hand from gesturing toward Bella. She lowered it again awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck. Bella smiled and sipped her latte.

"Anyway," Alice said. "Tell me more about what's been going on with you? I've been curious. In a way, this is like the first time I've ever met you."

"Well, it's all pretty boring. Just life. Actually, I did meet someone."

"You did?"

"Yeah, it was about six months after you left. I signed up at a dating site. Her name's Esme. We have a lot in common. She was married when she realized she was gay, so she knows what it's like."

"That's great. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks."

A bit of awkward silence ensued. Alice looked down into her latte. Bella desperately tried to analyse that look. Was the girl disappointed she had a girlfriend? Had she been hoping to rekindle the relationship?

Finally a small laugh came out of the girl and she looked up.

"Well," she said. "At least you didn't lie about it this time."

"I'll never lie to you again."

"Is it serious with you and this girl?"

"I don't know. It wasn't supposed to be. Our dating profiles both specified casual. We both had so much going on in our lives. We didn't want the commitment."

"So it's not serious?"

"I guess not. I mean, we have a lot of fun together and we really like each other, but…"

Bella shrugged and trailed off. Alice nodded, deep in thought for a moment, and then she chuckled.

"Maybe I should try a dating site too," she said. "I've been back for months and I still haven't met anyone."

"Try the one I'm using. Lots of nice girls. And they have a very sophisticated search system. You type in your criteria and it directs you to your perfect match. Or at least something close."

"That wouldn't help me. It would probably just direct me to YOUR profile."

"Oh, you wouldn't be looking for someone like me."

"Why not? Hot older woman with a good career. Who promised never lie to me again. Sounds pretty perfect to me."

"Aside from the husband and kids and the girlfriend, you mean."

"Yeah," Alice said with a giggle. "Aside from that."

Bella smiled and looked down. Alice was tilting back the last of her latte and then she rose from her chair.

"I'm gonna go get a refill," she said. "I'll be right back."

Bella nodded and watched her move off to the counter. Zafrina was pouring coffee at a nearby table and now that Bella was alone she leaned over with a dark look.

"If you hurt her again, I really will throw you through that window," she said. "You get me?"

Bella smiled at her and nodded. Zafrina held her eyes for a moment, gauging her sincerity, and then she turned back to her customer.

Alice came back over with a latte and a smile and sat down.

"So where were we?" she asked.

—

A few afternoons later Bella went to see Esme at Green Lakes Elementary School after work. School had just let out and she found Esme upstairs in her classroom. She taught third graders and the desks were hardly knee high and the chairs like little miniatures of chairs. Finger paintings tacked to the wall. Macaroni models. Esme was erasing the whiteboard and she looked tired and very happy to see Bella.

"Hey, honey," she said. "What's up?"

Bella came forward guiltily. "Actually, a lot."

Esme noted her tone of voice and lost her smile. She finished up wiping clean the white board and then she laid down the eraser and turned to her girlfriend.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Bella took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, Esme," she said. "But something happened. Remember the girl I told you about? Alice?"

"The girl you met at the gym?"

"Yeah. Well. She's back."

Esme didn't seem to understand for a second. Then she looked at the other woman's face and that made it clearer. She leaned a hip on the edge of her desk.

"Oh," she said quietly.

"I know this is such a shitty thing to do, but…"

Bella exhaled and shook her head but no matter how awful this was she had to be honest. No more lies. To anyone. Esme was taking off her glasses. Bella looked at her sadly.

"This is exactly what I've been waiting for, Esme," she said. "What I've been praying for. For over a year, it's been all I ever thought about. Just one more chance. Now she's back and I actually have that second chance and this time I have to do right by her."

"It's alright," Esme said, not looking at her. "I understand. This was never supposed to be serious, anyway. I thought maybe it was heading that way, but…"

Bella sighed and shook her head at herself. "God, I'm just the worst woman in the world, aren't I?"

"Well, at least you never got drunk and hit me like my husband did," Esme said with an attempt at a chuckle. "So it's still an improvement."

Bella stepped forward and placed one last kiss on the corner of Esme's mouth.

"Thanks for everything, Esme."

"Don't mention it. What do you want me to do with your stuff at the apartment?"

"Can I come by tonight and pick it up?"

"Sure. I'll guess I'll see you around then."

"You too."

Esme gave an awkward nod and a smile and Bella smiled as well before turning and continuing out of the classroom.

Two nights later Bella had to borrow Jake's bedroom to get ready. Stepping into her finest pair of black panties and slipping into her best black dress. Sitting at the dresser to do her makeup. Lipstick, eyeliner, mascara. Applying each as carefully as possible. Her heart fluttering with anticipation. On the surface of the dresser were some of her old things. Bottles of nailpolish. Women's bodyspray. Rags of pantyhose used to wipe makeup. A framed photograph of her and Jake. Jake had never gotten rid of them even though she hadn't used this room in over a year. She smiled at the photo for a moment and then she capped the mascara and rose and started packing her purse.

Jake came in while she was putting on her shoes and looked at her and winced from how hot she was.

"Whew," he said. "Wow."

"Thanks. How do I look?"

"Too hot to be a lesbian, that's for sure."

"You should see the other girl."

"I'll bet."

"I'm just glad I never completely stopped going to the gym. I only went in case she ever showed up again, but keeping the weight down was useful too. God, I'm so nervous."

"Well, be calm. You don't want to blow it like last time, right?"

"Right," Bella said, and then she grinned and rustled over in a jingle of jewellery and kissed his cheek before continuing out.

Nessie was in the kitchen, getting started on dinner, and she gave her a kiss on the cheek as well. The boys were playing videogames in the livingroom and she kissed them each on the head and tried to explain that she wasn't coming home tonight.

"You boys be good for daddy," she told them. "Mommy will be back tomorrow morning."

"But why?"

"Can't you just come home?"

"Baby, we talked about this," she said. "Sometimes mommy has to go out. You just make sure to send me a text before bed and I'll make sure to say goodnight, okay?"

"Okay," they said glumly.

Bella sighed and gave them another kiss each on the head.

It was just getting dark by the time she got to the hotel. The Marriott. A valet took her car and entering the lobby was like entering an old persian palace. Balconies with gold banisters. Winding sets of stairs with red carpets. Crystal chandeliers that twinkled overhead as she made her way to the front desk.

She was early and she went into the bar for a drink while she waited. Scotch and water. She sat on a stool with her legs folded and sipped and periodically gazed over her shoulder at the lobby. She could feel the alcohol spread all through her body and she could smell her own perfume. She hoped she didn't use too much. She sipped again and rubbed her thighs together subtly. They felt so smooth, even to herself. She was wearing earrings and a bracelet on each wrist and she looked at herself in the mirror behind the bar. The woman that looked back seemed too beautiful to be her. Glossy black hair. Cascading over her shoulders. Sitting there at the bar in a small black dress with breasts that all but spilled out of the neckline.

Then another woman appeared in the mirror. A girl. Who smiled when she saw Bella.

Bella paused with the glass to her lips and then set it down and swivelled on the stool. Alice had a purse in her hands and she was wearing a similar black dress. Tiny on her tiny body, short, tight, conforming to every contour. Light touches of makeup on her face. Hair styled and swept to the side like some short-haired model. She came over with that same smile and the smile grew into a grin.

"A hotel, huh?"

"They have an excellent restaurant."

"Oh, I'm sure."

The restaurant was on one of the upper floors and they were shown to their table by a hostess who handed them menus. All tables were occupied and there was a low din of conversation and clatter of cutlery. Their table was by the windows and the windows looked out over a dark blue dusk settling silently over the cityscape. A pale moon among the dark clouds.

It was full dark by the time they started eating. There were two candles on the table and two clearglass vases each with a single rose and there was a woman in a red dress playing a piano on a stage. The cuisine was French and Bella hoped that was alright after Alice's time in Paris. Alice said that was months ago and she was already beginning to miss it. They began with pastry swans and moved on to a main course of ocean trout Galette with capers and thyme and a dessert of Flambéed citrus Crepe Suzette.

Afterwards they ordered another bottle of wine while Bella showed Alice some pictures on her phone.

"These are the boys," she was saying. "That was taken after a soccer game last year."

Alice took the phone and smiled at the photo. One of the boys was younger and blonde and the other was taller with darker hair. They wore soccer shorts with shin guards and they were smiling with bits of dirt and grass stuck to them.

Bella took the phone back and cycled to a different picture.

"And this is Nessie," she said. "My daughter."

Alice took the phone and laughed. The girl in the photo was perhaps only ten years old but she was standing on a footstool at the stove with a chef's hat on her head and an apron that trailed on the floor.

"She must be quite a chef," Alice said.

"Yeah, she helps out so much in the kitchen, it's incredible. If only she enjoyed cleaning her room too."

Alice nodded, still looking at the phone. The little girl was smiling for the photo, spatula in hand, and she seemed very happy. She was missing two front teeth in the picture but she had the same smile as the woman sitting at the table with her.

"She looks just like you," she said.

Bella laughed and took the phone back. "She'll be prettier than I ever was when she grows up. I guess she gets a few good genes from her dad."

A bit of silence followed after that. Bella had been resolved on total honesty but the husband, of course, was a bit of an awkward mention here on this romantic dinner date. Alice lifted her wine glass and took a sip and then set it down again.

"So how long were you married, anyway?" she asked.

"Eighteen years. Almost nineteen, but we didn't quite make it."

"Long time."

"Yeah, I guess it was."

"I'm kind of surprised you've settled on divorce."

"Why?"

"In a movie you would've stayed with the husband. Because a woman's place, of course, is at home with the kids."

Bella laughed at that. "Yeah. Well. This isn't a movie. Maybe people are more selfish in real life."

"I don't think you're selfish."

"Well, you're not the guy I'm divorcing or the kids I'm not going to be able to say goodnight to tonight, so you're perspective on that might be a little different."

Bella meant it as a joke but her chuckle was a little downbeat. Alice smiled.

"Do you regret realizing?" she asked.

"Realizing what?"

"That you're gay."

Bella thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. "No. I guess not. I just wish I had realized earlier. In college, maybe. Well, part of me does. The other part is thankful it happened how it did. Or else my kids would've never been born."

"And your kids, of course, are the best thing you ever did," Alice said with a smile and gentle sarcasm. "Right?"

Bella blushed and chuckled a couple times. "Well, yeah. I guess so. I mean, I've never been to the moon and I'm never gonna be the first female president, so yeah, the kids are pretty much the pinnacle of my achievement."

Alice chuckled as well. "Sorry about that. You might've noticed I have a mild contempt for the conventional heteronormative."

"I don't blame you. I'm becoming the same way myself."

"Yet you're still married. Still living under the same roof as your husband."

"I'll leave him eventually."

"Will you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Denial comes in many forms. Just because you're not lying to me anymore, doesn't mean you're not lying to yourself."

Bella had the wine glass halfway to her mouth. Alice was watching her with eyes that were large and only half playful, enhanced in their impishness by long mascara thickened lashes. Bella lowered the glass again and a single chuckle escaped her.

"I'm so stupid," she said.

Alice tilted her head. "Why?"

"When I saw you at the gym, I rejoiced that I had a second chance. But nothing's really changed, has it? I'm still married. Still complicated. And you still deserve so much better."

"That's not true. Everything's changed."

"You think so?"

"Well, I know I have. I'm not the same girl you met last year. And I'm not afraid of complications. That's why I'm here. We never gave it a proper shot last time. This time, whatever happens, I just wanna give it a proper shot."

"You do?"

"Sure. And you're not the same woman who lied to me either. Are you?"

"I hope not."

"You hope?"

"Well…"

"Well what?"

"I did lie about one thing."

"And what was that?"

"I booked a hotel room," she said, blushing, trying not to grin. "Just in case."

Alice smiled wryly and touched the stem of her wine glass. "Still can't go back to your place, huh?"

"Not tonight," Bella said. "But do you even want to?"

Alice had been looking down into her wine. Now she looked up. A smile began to curve her lips and she lifted the glass and took a long swallow and set it down again.

"Is it a good room?" she asked.

It was a suite in the penthouse and it was almost midnight when they went up. The floors were carpeted and there was a polished oak coffeetable with a bouquet of red roses on it and the windows looked out onto an ink black ocean that rippled like silk in the moonlight. The bed was queen size with a brocade bedspread and six sets of pillows with lace and tassels. Alice placed her purse on the nightstand and swept her fingertips over the pillows. Bella texted her kids goodnight and then she tucked the phone into her purse and set the purse down beside Alice's.

Bella was standing right behind her and now Alice turned around. Bella cupped her face. Neither of them spoke. Mingled scent of perfume. Lavender and musk. The only light in the room was from the bedside lamp and then slowly Alice raised her lips to Bella's.

Bella's eyes fell closed as the kiss connected. For over a year this is what she had been dreaming about. Everything she craved. Everything she had been so hopelessly desperate for. Their mouths opened at the same time and their tongues met for the first time in what felt like an eternity . A soft moan occurred. Bella didn't know who it came from. Her hand was caressing the nape of the girl's neck. The skin there so soft. The hairs so fine. The kiss was deepening and heating up until it seemed to sear into her soul itself. Burning away a year's worth of sadness. A year's worth of longing. Their hands started roaming. More moans rose between them. Bella hiked up the hem of Alice's dress. Black lace g-string underneath and bare buttocks that Bella gripped and squeezed and hefted upwards until Alice wrapped her legs around Bella's waist for Bella to lay her down onto the bed.

—

AN: Skipped the lemon this time, because we already had one earlier, and sometimes it's more romantic in the imagination. New chapter soon. Looks like this story might be a lot shorter than I first thought. More of a novella then a full novel. Still, we'll see. :)