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Chapter 8:
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For a while it was like a dream come true.
For a while.
The first month was bliss. Dating each other and getting to know each other all over again. Shared sessions at the gym, dinner, nights at Alice's place with her roommate Zafrina in a different room and headphones over her ears to block out the moans and cries that drifted through the apartment. The girl was right when she said she had changed a lot. She seemed less young. More mature. A professional photographer whose new dream was to one day have her own studio. Bella seemed to fall in love with her over and over again, every time she saw her. Addicted to her smiles, intoxicated by her giggles.
One weekend when the weather was warm the kids wanted to go for a swim in the pool and Bella invited Alice over so they wouldn't have to cancel their lunch. Alice was thrilled to finally meet them and she sat with Bella at poolside, the two of them reclining on sunchairs in jeans and jackets and sunglasses, while the kids splashed about and shrieked in the water.
"So this is your place, huh?" the girl asked, looking over the pool, the well-kept lawn, the toolshed by the fence which had been freshly painted peagreen.
"Yep."
"It's nice."
"Thanks."
"I can see why you're reluctant to move out."
"Well, it's not the house. It's the kids."
Alice smiled, watching the pool. The two boys were taking turns jumping off the divingboard, eyes squeezed shut, holding their noses closed. Alice turned her smile to Bella.
"That's what I meant," she said.
Bella chuckled once. "Oh."
"Maybe it would be easier to leave if you had that perfect someone to leave for, hm?"
"Someone like you?"
"Someone like me."
"What if the kids had to come with me?"
"Well, they're nice kids."
"Yeah. They are."
"Are you gonna try for custody when it's all over?"
"I don't know. It depends on Jake. He's a great father and kids need a father."
"They need their mother too."
"Depends on the mother, I suppose. Me? Doubtful. I've tried as hard as I can, but I don't think I can pretend to be a better parent than Jake."
"Don't be so unfair on yourself. You deserve a lot more credit than you think. You were in an impossible situation, but you handled it more selflessly than most people would. How long did you supress your orientation for them? How long did you lie to me? How long did you continue set your own feelings aside so you could focus on your family?"
Bella looked at her. Alice smiled and touched her hand.
"You're a great mother, Bella," she said. "You really are."
Bella smiled but she wasn't quite convinced. "Well, either way, I couldn't take his kids from him. Not unless that's how he wanted it. We haven't talked about it yet, though. It's…hard."
"When's he gonna be home?"
"Couple hours, I guess."
"Will he be pissed to see me here?"
"No. We've been dating other people for a while now."
Nessie was sitting on the rim of the pool in a frilly pink swimsuit, watching her brothers dive, and now she seemed to notice her mother over there.
"Mommy, come into the pool with us!"
"Oh, I don't think so, sweetie."
"Why not?"
"Because, um…"
"Can Alice come swim?"
"She doesn't have a swimsuit, sweetie."
"She can borrow one of mine."
"Yeah, she'd probably fit in it too," Bella said with a smirk at Alice.
Alice grinned. Nessie had taken an instant liking to her and Alice seemed oddly flattered to be singled out by young girl of such frilly pink fashion sense.
"I could borrow one of yours," Alice said to Bella.
"What, seriously?"
"Sure, why not? Come on, let's go for a swim. Nessie, you want mommie to come for a swim?"
"Yeah!"
Ten minutes later the two women had put on swimsuits and joined the kids outside. Alice pushed Bella into the pool and Nessie squealed and the boys hooted and cheered and splashed water at their mother.
When Jake came home Alice was on the diving board. Clad in a yellow two piece bikini, dripping wet, sparkling in the noonday sun like a water nymph with perfect breasts and slim legs. He was carrying a bag of groceries and he damn near dropped them. Alice saw him there and waved. Jake nodded and after Alice had dived he turned to Bella and mouthed: Goddamn.
Bella smirked and completely agreed. The kids called out for daddy to come join them but he shook his head and went to unpack the groceries.
It was about a month later when Alice met Jake properly. Alice and Bella had been out on a date and instead of going back to Alice's place they had gone back to Bella's so she could get to sleep earlier. She had meetings at work in the morning. They walked through the door and the boys must've heard it unlock because they came running in their pajamas.
"Mommy!"
They charged into their mother and hugged her. Bella staggered back and smiled wearily and you could tell she'd been hoping she wouldn't have to deal with this.
"What are you two still doing up?" she asked them. "You're supposed to be in bed."
"You weren't here to say goodnight," said the small blonde one.
Bella sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Alice could understand how she felt but she only smiled and gave the boys a little wave.
"Hi, guys," she said.
"Hi," they said.
Jake had been watching Netflix on a laptop in the kitchen and now he came over with half a beer in his hand. "Hey, Bells. Whatcha doing home?"
"Well, I have that appointment in the morning, and I didn't want to drive all the way into the city and all the way back, and—why aren't these kids in bed yet?"
"They wanted to finish the movie."
"We were waiting for you, mommy," the boys said.
Bella sighed frustratedly and took the boys' hands and marched them to the bathroom.
Alice was left there with Jake, just inside the front door. Where wedding pictures hung on the wall and more wedding pictures adorned the sideboard. He was wearing shorts and a shirt and she smiled at him politely.
"Cute kids," she said.
He nodded and grinned. "Yeah, they take after me."
Alice chuckled and shuffled on her feet. Pumps. Still in her date clothes. Jake went to sip from his beer bottle but then stopped and gestured with it to her instead.
"Beer?"
"Sure."
Alice followed him into the kitchen and he snapped open a cold beer for her. She sipped and asked about what he was watching on the laptop. The conversation was a bit stilted and awkward but she supposed that's just how it is when you're waiting for a man's wife to say goodnight to her kids so you could hurry up and bang her in the spare room.
That night they had to be very quiet. They closed the door and left the lamp on.
"Mmm," Bella moaned, laying on her back with Alice on top. "Oh god, I've been waiting for this all night. Come here. Mmm. You are so—"
A knock on the door.
"Mommy?"
Alice took her tongue out of Bella's mouth and sighed. Bella pinched the bridge of her nose. Her face was scrunched up in annoyance but her voice came out very pleasant and mom-like.
"What is it, honey?"
"I can't sleep."
"Is daddy still up?"
"I want you. Can you come lay down with me?"
Bella looked at Alice in despair but Alice only smiled and shook her head to let her know it was alright.
"I'll be there in a minute, sweetie," Bella called out, and then she hopped out of the bed and pulled her panties back up and smoothed down her dress. "I'm so sorry, Alice. You might as well go home. We'll do this another night, okay? I'm so sorry."
Alice sat up in the bed, topless, grinning. "It's alright. I think you were more desperate than I was, anyway."
"You got that right," Bella said, casting a longing gaze at those perfect breasts before ducking out the door.
Over the next few months the strain continued to build. It had been easy to date Esme but Alice was something else entirely. With Esme Bella had been content to simply see her whenever their schedules allowed. With Alice Bella wanted to see her as often as possible. Nothing was ever enough. She didn't want to only date this girl. She wanted to move in with her. Live with her. Share everything with her.
All this was so certain in her head and heart but she didn't dare mention it. Not to Alice or to Jake. She didn't want to create extra pressure. No progress had been made detaching herself from her family and she was still so terrified of letting them down. Especially Jake. In all their eighteen years together she had never appreciated him more than she did now. Always there to watch the kids. Always nice to Alice. So nice, in fact, that sometimes she got jealous. It was only small moments, here and there, but she didn't like it much when he paid more attention to Alice than Bella herself. Sometimes late at night she would wonder if these little sparks of jealousy suggested she wasn't as gay as she thought but she didn't think so. It was the same way you'd feel about anyone you'd been bestfriends with for twenty years.
Alice, meanwhile, was every bit as patient and understanding as he was. She never complained when Bella had to spend time with her family. Never asked Bella to choose. Every now and then the conversation would drift toward the subject of getting an apartment together and that's the only time her eyes would look down with disappointment. Whenever the woman shrugged it off and said one day. One day.
Eventually Bella confided with Jessica. They still worked together and they were still somewhat friends and still spent their lunch hours walking the Queensgate Bridge.
"Nessie is fine," she was saying, "but the boys aren't taking it so well. They keep texting me on dates and calling while I'm with Alice. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna be able to move out. Meanwhile, Alice keeps hinting that she wants us to get a place together, and Jake continues to be as helpful and perfect as he ever was. He broke up with Leah. I think he's trying to let me know he's willing to reconcile. Maybe he doesn't even realize what he's doing. But it's hard not to notice. The way he smiles at me. The tone of his voice. The way he goes out of his way to support me and help with every little thing. I was the love of his life. And I'm still there, in the house, every single day. It must be so hard for him."
Jessica was eating an apple and she shrugged. "Well, I don't know what you expected."
"From you? Yeah, I don't know either."
"I warned you about this from the beginning, Bella. I told you to forget about her. Switch gyms. But no. You wanted to be a lesbian. Well, now you are. Doing laundry doesn't seem so bad anymore, does it?"
Bella sighed, leaning on the rail, and looked down into the water. A boat passing under the bridge. It was windy up here, as it always seemed to be on the bridge, and her hair was flickering in front of her face.
Jessica bit into the apple and glanced at her. "It's not too late, you know."
"To jump?"
"No, to save your family. You keep saying it's not a choice, but it is, Bella. You might not choose to be gay, but you do choose to leave your family."
"So I'm supposed to set my personal feelings aside?"
"Well, that would be the selfless thing to do, wouldn't it?"
"And why is it me who's supposed to be selfless? Why can't everyone else be selfless?"
"They are, Bella."
Bella exhaled sharply and shook her head. "Jake wouldn't want me to stay if it meant being miserable and supressing everything I am. He doesn't deserve that. Neither do the kids. They deserve the chance to move on and find their own happiness."
"Well, I guess you've made up your mind again."
Jessica bit into the apple. Bella looked at her, at how she just stood there chewing like an asshole, and then she sighed and turned back to the river.
At the end of eight months Bella was on the verge of simply walking out on her family. She was fed up of the stress, the anxiety, the confusion. The lack of progress in her life.
Alice by now was finally becoming impatient. Insecure. Dispirited. With each passing day the doubt grew bigger that Bella would never leave her family. Never leave her kids.
New dramas each day. Jake's humor going a bit far. A wisecrack about Alice's ass that made Bella yell at him. The boys grew to resent Alice. They seemed to sense that it was Alice who was stealing their mother away.
A call from the school. Nessie's teacher with Nessie in tears. She had been talking about her mother's special friend to some of the other girls and they called her dyke, lesbo, until Nessie hit one of them. Of all the times Bella thought she would tell Nessie about homosexuality she didn't think it would be in the principal's office at school. Nessie seemed to understand and she never did hold a grudge against her mother.
Christmas came around and Alice asked if Bella wanted to spend it at her parent's place. For a couple days. Alice had suggested it as a test and Bella instantly said yes. At this point she would've taken any excuse to get away from her family even if it was for just a day or two.
It snowed this year and she made sure to have a few snowball fights with the kids and build a snowman before telling them she wouldn't be home for Christmas. The boys were devastated. Christmas without mommy was unthinkable to them. Nessie was disappointed as well but she seemed to understand how much her mother loved Alice and how happy they made each other.
Bella packed her bags the night before Christmas Eve and the next morning Alice came over with her car. The boys followed her out into the snow, their small faces wracked with worry, their breath pluming whitely.
"Mommy, why do you have to go?"
"Why can't you stay?"
Bella threw her bag into the trunk of Alice's Volkswagen. "I already told you, sweetie. Mommy's going to be spending Christmas with Alice. I'll be back in two days and you can show me everything you got from Santa Clause. Okay?"
"But we want you to stay."
"I can't, sweetie."
"Why not?"
"I'll be back in two days, I promise."
"You never keep your promises."
Bella slammed the lid of the trunk and took a breath. An entire lifetime of promise keeping undone by a few late nights with her girlfriend. Alice was wearing a beanie and mittens and she thought it might help to chime in.
"Don't worry, boys," she said cheerfully. "I'll bring her back soon."
They gave her sour looks. Jake had followed them out as well and he cleared his throat to change the subject.
"Just make sure to drive safe," he said. "We'll see you in a couple days."
Bella kissed each of her boys on the head and then her husband on the cheek. Alice watched that and looked away.
"You boys take care of daddy for me," Bella told them. "Okay?"
They gave solemn nods. Bella blew them a kiss and got into the car. Alice nodded at Jake and got in behind the wheel. The boys actually jogged partway down the sidewalk to keep waving to their mother. Bella was twisted in her seat and waving out the back window. Alice waited until she was facing front again and snorted a small chuckle.
"Those little guys really love you," she said.
Bella sighed. "Yeah."
The drive was several hours upstate. Through the snowy winter countryside and fresh white farmland. The house they came to was a modest mansion on a rise outside a small town called Newberry. Two stories. Snow and reindeer on the roof and a plastic Santa by the chimney.
They drove past a mailbox and up a freshly shovelled drive. The house was surrounded by dark green woods on most sides and a large lake around the back. The surface of the lake was placid and perfect and there was a small boathouse on the shore.
Bella and Alice got out of the car and made their way to the front door. They left their luggage in the trunk for now but Bella had a box in her hands wrapped in christmas paper which was a bottle of vintage brandy that Alice assured her her father would love.
"God, I'm so nervous," Bella said, stepping up onto the veranda. There was a wooden bench suspended by two chains there and it reminded her of a dream she'd once had.
"Don't be," Alice said with a smile. "I've told them all about you and they already love you."
Bella took a deep breath as Alice pressed the doorbell. A pleasant melody chimed within the house and seconds later the door opened.
Both parents must've been waiting to greet them because they were both there. The mother with blonde hair styled in curls. The father also blonde. Both of them in christmas sweaters and beigecolored pants. The mother lit up as soon as she saw her daughter.
"Alice!"
"Mom!"
Alice threw herself at them and hugged them, tiny, darkhaired, gay, completely opposite to her extremely conventional looking parents. The father smiled at Bella and nodded and Bella nodded back.
The mother, after releasing Alice, turned to Bella brightly.
"And you must be Bella," she said. "Come in, come in. Alice has told us everything about you."
"It's nice to meet you," Bella said, entering the house. She offered the present to Alice's father. "I got this for you. Alice said you'd like it."
"Thank you," he said. "That's very nice of you."
"Come in, come in," the mother was saying. "Would you girls like some eggnog?"
The house smelt like cinnamon and furniture polish. A carpeted staircase going up. The banister wrapped with tinsel. Framed pictures of their daughter along the wall. Bella was impressed. Going by the living room she saw the christmas tree. It was almost as tall as the ceiling and heavy with ribbons and baubles and small figurines of angels. A diorama of a baby in a barn lay on a coffeetable at the base of the tree. A ring of wrapped presents for the family coming tomorrow.
Alice's dad went to get their bags for them and Alice's mother led them up the staircase each with a glass of egg in their hands. Her and her daughter had unique way of talking where they overlapped and laughed and didn't stop for a second.
There were three spare bedrooms but most had been assigned to other visiting family. Esme led them into one of the rooms and Bella had to smile. The wallpaper was pink with little stars on it and there were posters of supermodels and popstars over the bed. The bed was a single with a pink bedspread and the desk was pink as well and there were models of unicorns and fairies on it and a few dolls and colored teddy bears. Even the vanity was painted pink and wedged into the frame of the mirror were photographs of Alice from when she was a teenager, wearing a prom dress in one, a cheerleader's uniform in another.
"It's Alice's old room," her mother was saying. "You two don't mind sharing, do you?"
The two women looked at the tiny bed. They smiled.
"No, not at all," Bella said.
"It's fine, mom," Alice said.
Her father was coming into the room behind them with their bags and he set them down by the dresser. Just two small overnight bags with a change of clothes, some toothbrushes.
"Well, we'll let you girls settle in," he said. "Very nice to meet you, Bella."
He offered a hand and Bella shook it.
"You too, sir," she said.
The man chuckled a bit at how formal she was and his wife smiled and took their empty glasses of eggnog before they left.
Alice plopped down on the bed and giggled.
"See? Told you there was nothing to be nervous about."
Bella chuckled and looked around the room. So pink and cute. Exactly like how she would've pictured it. She sat down beside Alice on the bed and Alice took her in her arms. Bella kissed her lips, once, twice, pressing them together. Alice murmured and parted her lips but then something occurred to Bella and she pulled away.
"Ooh, sorry," she said. "I better call the boys quickly, make sure they're okay."
Alice was a bit startled, and disappointed, but she nodded. Bella dug into her coat pocket for her phone.
By the time she was finished on the phone the moment was lost and they went downstairs. The mother had poured them more eggnog and she ushered them into the living room to sit down. The father had gotten a fire going in the fireplace and it was nice and warm. Christmas stockings were pinned to the mantle under a row of framed photographs. Family pictures. Alice as a child in a schooldress. Bella had half been expecting an interrogation on her home-life, her husband and kids, but both parents seemed content to mind their own business and have faith in their daughter's judgement.
They all stayed up till midnight and said Merry Christmas to each other with a toast of the brandy Bella had bought for Alice's father. The parents went to bed after that while Bella and Alice stayed up a little to do their presents privately. The fire was down to embers and it was quite dim in the room. Bella had gotten Alice a new digital camera, state of the art, and the girl gasped as she opened it. Alice was aghast at how much it might've cost but Bella told her not to worry. She would've dipped into the kid's college fund if she had to. She had new priorities now. Alice then handed her a small oblong box with a ribbon around it. Bella pulled the ribbon and unwrapped it to discover a jewellery case. Inside was a diamond bracelet with a special engraving on the clasp. A&B. Inside a loveheart. Bella draped it over her wrist and Alice helped her clasp it before Bella flung her arms around her and hugged her tightly.
It had begun to snow sometime during the evening and after opening their presents they went outside. The veranda was sheltered from the snow and they sat on the hanging bench there. In silence. Cuddled up in coats and scarfs. Mittens. Watching the snow sift down in the darkness. Twinkle lights were wrapped around the rail of the veranda and three plastic wise men stood around a plastic manger. The porch light was a warm yellow bulb and in the frost webbed window behind them there was an orange glow from the living room fire. Bella had her arm around Alice and the subtle swinging of the bench and creak of the chains reminded her once again of that dream she'd had.
"Did I ever tell you I used to dream about you?" Bella asked her.
"You did?"
"Yeah. In fact, one of the dreams was exactly like this."
"Christmas at my parent's?"
"No, it wasn't Christmas. And it wasn't your parent's. Actually, it wasn't even night time. It was in the morning. Or afternoon. There was lots of sun."
"Then how was it exactly like this?"
Bella chuckled and pushed gently at the floorboards with her boot to make the bench rock. "The bench," she said. "We were sitting on a bench just like this one. I think we were married or something. I don't know. We were just relaxing. In a house out in the country somewhere. Just me and you."
Alice smiled and snuggled closer. "That sounds nice."
"Yeah. It was."
"What did we talk about in this dream?"
"Nothing. It was before I had met you. I didn't even know your name. All I knew was that there was just something about you."
"Love at first sight, huh?"
"Maybe. I don't know. Doesn't love at first sight require eye contact?"
"Well, which part of me did you see first?"
"Your ass."
Alice burst out laughing and tilted over into Bella's lap. Bella smiled and petted her like a cat there.
The next morning Bella helped Alice and her mother in the kitchen. The entire family was coming and a large feast was planned. The ladies had cracked open a bottle of wine and shooed the man of the house away and they giggled and chopped carrots and chatted for over an hour.
"This is what's so wonderful about having a gay daughter," the mother said with a wink at Bella. "An extra woman to help out in the kitchen."
Bella grinned. "At home it's generally my husband who does most of the cooking."
"Really?"
"Him or my daughter, yeah. I'm very lucky as far as house chores go."
"Alice says you're still living with him. Your husband, I mean."
"Yeah, the house is still under mortgage, and the kids are in the middle of school. Our incomes are very entwined, so it's not like either of us can just up and leave."
"That must be very difficult."
"Yeah, it is, but we're doing our best. I guess I'm just lucky he's such a great man."
Alice rolled her eyes while swallowing down an entire glass of wine. Then she lowered the glass and changed the subject.
"So, mom, when are the rest of family getting here?"
They began to arrive by noon. Aunts and uncles. Cousins. Bella was extremely self-conscious. Everyone knew she was the lesbian girlfriend of the family lesbian. She shook hands and smiled and made polite conversation. She met Alice's grandmother, an old woman even tinier than Alice. She was a little confused in the head and she commented that Bella had very long hair for a man. Bella paused for a moment with her mouth open and then just said thanks. All the old woman seemed to understand was that Bella was dating her granddaughter Alice and therefore must be a man.
Dinner was served on a long oak dining table with a smaller table for the kids. Two of the kids were teenage boys who had been hovering around Bella and Alice in hopes of seeing them makeout or perhaps fingerbang right on the table. The turkey arrived on a huge silver chaffing dish along with boats of gravy and roast vegetables. The turkey was carved and the slices forked onto plates. Bella demurred and only had very little. She was seated beside a gay uncle. Bald, middle aged, not quite the hunky stereotype of modern media. They were all strangers and she was never quite comfortable.
It was still daylight after dinner. Alice had been abducted by several of her young cousins and dragged outside for a snowball fight. Bella had remained inside to help clean up but soon she wandered to the large glass screendoor that looked out over the rear of the property. A low mist lay over the lake and the lake was partially iced over. Fresh snowfall lay on the lawn and Alice was zigzagging amid a hail of snowball fire from the children, smile on her face, the pompom on her beanie bouncing up and down. Alice was great with kids but for some reason that thought gave Bella a twinge of sadness. She couldn't even imagine the girl as the stepmother to her children. It just seemed so far away and complicated and impossible. Alice was so young. Hardly more than a child herself.
She stood there for a long time and eventually she was joined by Alice's father. He offered her a glass of eggnog and she took it with a smile.
"Thank you," she said. "This really is a beautiful house you have."
He nodded and smiled at his daughter out there beyond the glass. "Alice used to love it here, but she couldn't wait to move to the big city. And even that wasn't enough for her, she had to go to Paris too."
"Yes, she's a very adventurous girl."
She cringed inwardly as she said it. Adventurous was probably the wrong adverb to describe a gay daughter. He smiled and sipped his nog.
"All I've ever wanted is for my daughter to be happy," he said. "Alice says you have children as well."
"Yes, two boys, and a girl."
"What are their names?"
"The girl is Nessie, and the boys…um…"
She had taken her phone out at the reminder of them and she was distressed to see a whole list of texts that had appeared since the last time she had checked. Her stomach went queasy.
"Actually, I'm a bit worried about them," she said. "This is the first time I've left them overnight."
"I'm sure they have plenty of distractions for Christmas."
"I hope so, but the boys can be very clingy. I better check in quickly. May I…?"
"Yes, go ahead, by all means."
"Thank you, I'll be right back."
Bella went into the living room, shaking her head at the texts, and then called the home phone. It was Nessie who picked up.
"Hey, Nessie," she said. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, mommy."
"How's everything going over there? Having fun?"
"Not really."
"Why not? Are your brothers okay?"
"No. They were crying like babies all morning. They wouldn't even open their presents. They said they were going to wait for you to get home."
Bella squeezed her eyes shut and clutched the phone. When she opened her eyes she saw that Alice had come in from the snow. She was smiling but when she saw Bella's expression her smile started to fade.
"Mommy?"
Bella turned back to the phone. "Did you at least unwrap yours, sweetie?"
"Yeah."
"Did you get anything good?"
"Yeah. Daddy got me a cookbook. We roasted a turkey together, but it went dry."
"Oh, I bet it's delicious. Are you going to save me some?"
"Sure, mom. Do you want to talk to daddy?"
"No, that's okay."
"Well, I gotta go. I'm making pudding."
"Okay, sweetie, I'll see you soon. Merry—"
Nessie hung up. Bella lowered the phone.
"—Christmas," she said.
Alice approached her and put a mitten on her shoulder. "Everything alright?"
Bella shook her head. Inside she was guilty and angry and frustrated and she was just sick of it all. "I'm sorry, Alice, but the boys aren't ready to be left alone. I'm gonna have to head back tonight. I can't let their whole christmas be ruined just because I'm not there."
Alice sighed and let go of her shoulder. But she nodded.
They went to pack right away and said hasty goodbyes to Alice's parents. They seemed to sympathize. As parents they understood how a mother worried about her kids.
Dark fell while they were on the road. Bella insisted on driving and Alice stared out the window in silence. At the stark leafless trees. The muddy snow at the roadside. Something bottling up inside her. Bella could tell. She kept glancing at her but she had no idea what to say.
It was 2AM when they pulled up at Bella's house. Twinkle lights across the roof and gutters. They got out on the sidewalk and crossed their arms in the cold. Bella breathed out in a white plume and turned back to Alice.
"I'm really sorry about this, Alice," she said. "Do you want to come inside?"
"Do you think I should?"
"I hope so. I want you to be part of my life. I just hope you can put up with it till it settles down."
Alice chuckled but there wasn't as much humor in it as Bella would've wanted.
They went up the drive and unlocked the front door. Jake must've been awake in bed because the hallway light flipped on as they came in.
"Hey, babe," he said. "What are you doing here?"
Bella pulled off her coat and hung it on a hook. Among child sized rainslickers and jackets. Alice left her own coat on.
"Nessie told me the boys wouldn't open their presents," Bella said to him. "Are they still up?"
"I put them to bed about half an hour ago."
"Shit."
"But we can get them up."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, of course," he said with a broad smile. "It wasn't christmas without you, anyway."
Bella smiled as well and hurried down the corridor. Alice lingered behind, staring at the floor.
Soon the two boys were up and gathered around the tree in the living room in their pajamas and socks. They still didn't quite forgive their mother but all it took was a few video games to buy back their affections. They hugged her after each present and thanked her so much. She kissed them on their heads. She ruffled their hair. Alice watched from across the room, not bothering to take part or fake smiles.
The only person who paid her any attention at all was Jake. He gave her a beer and smiled and clinked the bottle with his own. He said it was great to see her. That her beanie was cute. Alice nodded weakly and watched him move back to his family. He sat beside his wife and wrapped an arm around her. Large arm. Heavy. Muscular. Comforting her in a way that maybe Alice never could. Alice looked down at her beer and plucked at the label with a fingernail. Maybe if she had been married to him she wouldn't have the guts to leave him either.
It was getting very late by now and soon the boys were back in bed. Neither of them had spoken to Alice and Alice only said goodnight perfunctorily. Bella noticed that Alice was becoming increasingly upset and those emotions seemed to leak over to her. She gave her a hug and thanked her for being so patient.
Afterwards the three adults went into the kitchen and Jake poured them some eggnog. He had more heartbreak to resent than both of them but he also had an uncanny ability to be cheerful and make the most of any situation.
"Made the eggnog myself," he was saying. "The cookies, those were Nessie."
Alice lifted one of the cookies from the plate. "Are those M&Ms?"
"Yeah, she puts them in everything. It's been her secret ingredient ever since she discovered it a couple years ago. She put them in the pudding too."
Alice smiled and took a nibble of the cookie. Bella was shaking her head.
"Something's gotta be done about this, Jake," she said. "Alice had to leave her family halfway through Christmas. This isn't fair. Not on her, not on me, not on any of us."
Jake nodded and turned to Alice apologetically. "Yeah, sorry about that. Your folks good?"
"They're okay."
Bella didn't let them get sidetracked. "What are we going to do, Jake?"
"I don't know, babe. I'm doing my best, but…" He sighed and shrugged. "I thought the kids would get used to it eventually, but maybe it's time you just moved out. Whether they're ready or not. It'll be rough to begin with, but it'll be better in the long run."
"And what about the mortgage?"
"We'll find some other house. Somewhere smaller."
"But the kids love it here. They have a pool and they're so close to the school."
"Nessie hates the pool."
"She loves it, Jake."
"Only in the summer."
"God, Jake, it's not just that. What about me? They're my kids too. Am I supposed to just tell them goodbye? Leave them and walk out the door? How could I possibly do that?"
"I know, babe, but like you said. Something's got to be done."
Alice listened to all this with a cookie in her hand like yet another child herself. Her eyes were vacant and the bite of cookie was like sawdust in her mouth. Finally she swallowed painfully and laid the cookie down.
"I'm sorry," she said, interrupting them. "I can't do this."
Bella looked at her. "Can't do what?"
"I can't be the one responsible for destroying your family."
"You're not, Alice. Alice, wait. Alice, what are you—"
Alice was snatching up her purse from the counter, fighting back tears. "I'm twenty four years old, Bella. I can't take care of you. I can't take care of your kids. This whole thing was just a big mistake. We were stupid. Just stay with your family, alright? We both know you were never going to leave them, anyway."
Bella was stunned. Jake raised a hand.
"Whoa," he said. "Let's just—"
But the girl wheeled away and stumbled through the house until she ripped open the front door and escaped into the night.
—
Zafrina was on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. Binge watching christmas movies in the dark. She heard the door open and she was surprised to see Alice.
"Hey," she said. "I thought you weren't coming home till tomorrow?"
Alice sniffed. She shook her head and looked up. Her whole face was wet and her friend rose from the couch in alarm.
"Oh god," she said. "Ally? What's wrong?"
"It's over, Zaf," the girl said, breaking into a sob. "It's over."
Alice lowered her face into her hands. Her shoulder's shuddered. Zafrina went over and wrapped her arms around her and began rocking her back and forth.
—
Bella called all night and in the morning she could hardly even look at her children. She never thought it was possible to hate them. She drove to Alice's apartment through the cold and snowy streets but it was Zafrina who answered the door.
"How is she?" Bella asked.
Zafrina sighed and looked back into the apartment before coming out into the corridor and closing the door. "She's in her room. She doesn't want to talk to you."
"Jesus."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. Everything. What should I do, Zafrina?"
"I have no idea."
Bella touched her temples. Zafrina put a hand on her shoulder. Bella was relieved at least the tall black woman wasn't furious at her.
"Is she going to be okay?" Bella asked.
"I hope so. I think it's been getting to her for a long time."
"Yeah. I always said she deserved better than me."
"Or maybe she just deserved you to treat her better."
Bella glanced at her. Now those dark eyes were hardening into a glare. Bella felt a wave of shame and let out a sigh.
"Can I speak to her?"
"I guess you can try."
Zafrina opened the door and Bella went inside.
Alice was still in bed. Laying on her side. Facing the wall. Bella stood in the doorway looking at the back of her head. Alice must've heard her come in but assumed she was Zafrina.
"Was that Bella?" she asked softly.
"Yeah," Bella said.
Alice lay there. Then she rolled over and sat up in the bed. She wouldn't look at the other woman but she didn't seem angry. Just hurt. And exhausted. Her eyes were red rimmed and she wore a pink tanktop with white elastic. Bella came over and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Alice, I'm so sorry about yesterday," she said. "It was so wrong of me to leave your parent's house like that."
"You had no choice. Gotta take care of the kids."
"I did have a choice. I should've chose you. There's nothing more important to me than you, Alice. Nothing."
"We both know that's not true, Bella."
"It is, Alice. I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could ever love someone. If you want me to leave my family, I'll do it right now. I won't even go home to pack a bag. I'll just stay here with you forever."
"I can't ask you to do that."
Bella's eyes were filling with tears. "Yes, you can, Alice," she said. "Please. You have to. I can't do it myself. I need you to tell me. Just tell me to choose. I'll choose you, I promise."
Alice shook her head sadly. "I can't be responsible for that. It has to be you, Bella. You're the one that has to decide."
Bella sniffled and wiped her nose. "Fine. I decide then. I'll tell the lawyer to send over the divorce papers today. This afternoon. I don't care. Jake can bring over some of my things and I'll… I'll just stay here with you. Okay?"
Bella put a hand on Alice's back and tried to smile. Alice didn't even try. Her eyes were dry as if she had cried every drop she had last night and now she just shook her head.
"Just go home, Bella," she said. "It's over."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is. If you were gonna leave them, you would've done it already. You said you used to dream about me, but it's time to face reality."
"Alice, don't do this."
"I didn't do it. You did."
"Alice, please."
"Just go away, Bella. It's over."
Alice turned and laid down again. Facing away. Bella sat there in shock. Eyes red. Cheeks wet. Trembling slightly. Alice said nothing and Bella didn't know what to say and finally she stood up and wobbled toward the bedroom door.
Zafrina was pacing in the living room. One look at the woman and she knew what had happened. Bella veered toward the front door but halfway there she stumbled and burst into a sob. Zafrina ran over and hugged her and Alice, in her room, covered her head with a pillow to block out those heart torn wails.
—
AN: Hope this one turned out okay. It spun through quite a few months and there was a lot of melodrama at the end. Hope it rang true without being over the top. Speaking for myself, I got pretty emotional writing that last scene. All teary eyed, lol. Don't worry, though, the new chapter will be here soon. :)