There was so much pain, everywhere and nowhere at all.
It's been two days since Cato has been gone, but it feels like it's been a lifetime. At first, I thought it was a sick dream that I was having, because as I was being pulled into a hovercraft, I closed my eyes and slept, but when I woke up, I was connected to a hospital bed with needles stuck into my arms painfully.
But it wasn't a dream.. and he was still gone.
I haven't spoken a word since I 'won' the Games, not to Haymitch, not to Cinna, and especially not to Effie. There was so much pain, and so much numbness, but still so, so much pain.
I felt like I couldn't function without him. It was like I wasn't me anymore.
Right now, I was laying on my bed in the Capitol room, curled up in fetal position with my knees hugged to my chest, in order to take away some of my hurt. I cried all day long, no stopping at all. Today was the Victor's interview with Caesar, but I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone..
I only wanted to talk to him.
I dreamt about his death everytime I managed to cry myself to sleep, and it only made 'grieving' even worse than it already does.
Everyone was calling me the 'victor', or the 'winner', but I didn't feel like one. I felt like I had lost everything I could ever want.
I heard someone open my door, but I didn't get up and I definitely didn't stop crying. People came in everyday, trying to get me to talk, to eat, to move at all, but it was always a lost cause. I knew that I had to get up today or else I would be, in some way, rebelling against President Snow for what he caused.
The bed moved, and I knew someone was sitting next to me. A hand started rubbing my back, and doe a second, I imagined it was Cato, performing the only move that could calm me down in any way.
But again.. it wasn't who I wanted.. who I loved..
The only girl he ever loved echoed through my mind over and over. I regretted not telling him that I loved him because now I would never get the chance to. I realised I was in love, but I would never be in love again.. because everyday would only be about him. I didn't know until now.
"Prim," Cinna's soft voice said to me. "Come on, it's time to get ready for the interview," he said, pulling me up to hold me in his arms.
I shook my head, hiding my face into my arms as silent tears fell down my face.
"Please, honey, let me take care of you," he pleaded.
Rue is gone, Rose. Just let me take care of you, like I did in the elevator. Remember?
Yes, Cato.. I remember. I always will.
Let Cinna take care of you, baby.
I nodded my head at Cato. He told me he would always be in my heart, and of course, I believed him.
"Okay, Cato," I whispered with a nod.
I sat up and wiped my teary eyes, pushing myself off of Cato.I watched as Cinna smiled at me as I finally stood up on my own.
"That's my girl," he praised me. I smiled weakly at him, feeling my cheeks stretch for the first time in a while. It felt foreign to me, but the only time I would ever smile would be when I was with Cato. He was the only person that made me smile in a long time; even when I was at home.
I walked blindly into the hallway with Cinna guiding me with his hand on my back, and he led me to my preparatory room for the Victor's interview. The prep team squealed in delight and then shook with fear at the sight of me.. dirty tangled hair, dark bags under my eyes, and smelly breath.
They ushered me down onto a bed and stripped my clothes off of me and began their work while I stare up at the ceiling, letting them work on me without any shame for the first time.
I remembered the first time I talked to Cato.
I was so scared of him then, and now I wanted nothing more to be with him. He seemed so big and dangerous, like a tornado or a hurricane, and he made sure that we all knew that he was a bad boy. He was a bad boy.. he still is..
Um, he was still a bad boy, back when he was still here with me.
Anyway, after talking to him, it was like my entire world changed. I braved it up and talked to him on my own, without anyone's help, and after that, it was all in. He kissed me, and I knew from then on that nothing would ever be the same.
I miss him. I really do.
I miss the moments when he would actually smile, and not that devious smirk that he always did, but a wide grin that showed all his teeth and made the sides of his eyes crinkle. And his laugh.. my goodness, his carefree, boyish laugh. I don't think I've heard him really laugh more than once, so it was definitely a prize.
Too bad I'll never hear it again.
Cinna and the stylists change my position and begin on makeup and then put a dress on me. They pull and prod at my body, but this time, I can't complain, because I don't really care.
I know that I have to fake like I'm happy in front of the Capitol, but I don't think anyone is going to be convinced that I'm actually happy. I don't even think that I'd be able to convince myself that I was okay, even though I know I'm not.
I guess I just have to learn to live with it, because it's not like I can change anything and I definitely cannot bring him back.
I think I just need to move on.
But I can't..
"Alright, Prim, are you ready?" Cinna asked as he took my hand and pulled me up from the seat that I had been in for what seemed like hours.
I nod again, letting Cato tell me over and over again that I needed to let these people take care of me and that everything would be okay.
It would be okay eventually. I guess it would just take time.
"I want to hear you say it," Cinna said, staring down into my blue eyes with his soft brown ones.
"I'm ready," I nodded. Cinna grinned again. It was the first time he had even really heard my voice.
"Good." Cinna rubbed up and down my arm and pulled me to stare at myself in the mirror. I was in an elegant pale pink dress that brought out the dull blue of my eyes. My hair fell down in soft curls down my back, parted to the side from the top. The makeup was very neutral, but done well enough that you couldn't tell that I hadn't slept much and cried most of the time.
"Everything will be okay," Cinna whispered, pulling me into a hug. I heard loud cheers and the sound of Caesar's crazy laugh.
Jeez, Caesar.. That man..
I heard him introducing me, telling everyone about my victory, my romance, and my loss. I smiled at all the sweet things he said about Cato.
All of a sudden, I'm being pushed onto the stage.
The lights hit my eyes and I'm exposed to all of Panem.
"Primrose Everdeen!" Caesar exclaims, reaching his hands out for me.
I put on my fakest smile and placed my hand into his, letting him lead me to my seat right across from me. It was a huge seat, with too much room for me. It's probably for this insanely huge dress.. Cinna really goes above and beyond.
The screaming of the crowd deafens me and I smile, halfway thankfully, at their gratitude for me taking part in the murder of children.
"Primrose, the victor!" Caesar laughs as he sits in front of me.
"Yes," I nod, daring to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
"How does it feel?"
I take a huge breath. "Uh, well, I don't really know how it feels. I'm happy to be going home, but there is so much to process," I answered, making sure to keep my fake smile on my face.
"Oh, I know you must be happy to make it home," Caesar comments.
"Yeah. It was so hard trying to survive those Games, but I obviously wouldn't be here without the help of so many people," I answer with a nod.
I was thinking about Cato and Rue.
"Oh, yes," Caesar nodded like he completely understood my pain. "I am so sorry for the loss of Rue. I know you took it extremely hard."
"Well," I sighed, "I knew that if I wanted to make it home, others would have to die, but I was so heartbroken when she died. I made a new friend through her, and now that she's gone, a piece of me is missing too."
"It's the same for us all, isn't it" He asks the crowd. They all nod and make noises in agreement like they also know my pain. "But we are definitely glad that you made it out alive."
The crowd cheers. "Thanks," I mumble.
"So," Caesar leans closer, "what are you most excited for now that you're the most famous person in the world?"
I shrug, not really knowing what to say. I wanted to say I was most excited to be with Cato, but he's not here so..
"Probably going home and being with my sister, my mom, and my cat," I answer honestly.
The crowd laughs at me wanting to be with my cat, but it is true. I miss Buttercup.
"The must be so excited that you're coming home. Especially with the fact that you the fourth youngest tribute to go into the arena. Usually, tributes your age don't even make it far in the Games," he claims, smiling broadly at me.
"I guess so. I never even thought that I would win, especially with all the potential the other tributes had."
"Well, we all knew that you had potential, especially scoring that eleven in assessments!"
I nod again. "That definitely was a surprise," I say with a laugh.
"Too bad you can't tell us what you did in there," Caesar laughs. It looks like he really does want to know what I did.
Too bad I'm not going to tell him, or anyone.
"Yes, too bad."
"Alright," Caesar sighs, leaning closer to me again. "I think it's time to address what's been on all of our minds since the last moments of the Games."
I swallow the large lump in my throat. I knew this was about Cato.
"Cato," I nod.
"I want to play one of my favorite clips from the Games of you two. Why don't we watch on the screen?"
I braced myself and turn to the makeshift screen, wondering which 'scene' they were going to play.
Cato popped up on the screen and tears immediately dropped.
It was when we were in the cave, and it was right after he cleaned my wound. I couldn't tell in the arena, but he was very flushed. He kissed the side of my mouth, and I watched my chest heaving. We stare at each other for a whole three minutes and his fingertips run over my cheek.
"What the hell are you doing to me, Rose?"
The tears start falling from my eyes freely at his hauntingly gorgeous voice as it echoes through the speakers. I was making him fall in love, and I was falling in love with him, too.
I'm still healing, and seeing him and hearing him was not helping.
I watch as he leans in and kisses me slowly, and my heart breaks again.
I love you.
The screen freezes and I'm scrambling to wipe my eyes from crying again. I don't want the nation to see me cry. They might think I'm pathetic for crying over a boy.
Caesar turns to me and his face saddens when he looks at me.
"I am very sorry for loss. You guys were the perfect couple," he said, taking my hand again.
"Thanks." I run my fingertip under my eyes, stopping the waterfalls.
"How did you guys meet?" Caesar asks, obviously trying to make the conversation a happier one.
"Um." I stop to sniffle. "He threatened me by the bathroom," I say quickly, smiling at that rather scary memory.
The crowd laughs softly and I smile.
"That's a great way to talk," Caesar says with a laugh. I nod, because it obviously is.
"Yeah."
"What do you miss the most about him?" Caesar asks. I cringe inwardly. I felt like that was a personal question.
I shrug, not really wanting to tell them what I miss about him. He was mine, and I didn't want them to share my memories.
"Oh come on. We just want to know what one little thing about you guys. We didn't know much."
I roll my eyes and sigh. I know that wasn't professional, but I knew he wouldn't stop asking me about it until I said something.
"Well," I sighed, "I really loved when he would hold me."
The crowd awwed and I blushed beet red. I hated sharing personal business with anyone.
"You both seemed so completely opposite, yet you didn't seem to be able to stay away," Caesar claimed, going serious for that short period of time.
"That's what he used to say to me," I mumbled, remembering the note he put on those flowers for my birthday and every single time he said it to me.
Gosh, I miss hearing his voice.
"We know that.. right before he passed away, he was going to tell you that he loved you."
Another tear falls down my makeup covered cheek and I quickly swipe it away.
"Yeah." I let out a nervous chuckle.
"Do you think that maybe you loved him, too?"
My eyes widen and I'm a deer in headlights.
I nod, though. Someone should know since Cato definitely won't.
"Yes, I loved him. I still do," I told Caesar seriously, my voice strong for the first time that night.
"You do?"
Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh.
The crowd gasps and starts going insane.
It couldn't be.
My head turns around slowly.
That was not his voice.
I do a complete 180 turn around, and my heart is soaring.
This is a dream.
It has to be a dream.
Cato is not standing behind me in a suit.
Nope.
No way.
"Is.. is this a dream? Or a joke? Are you real?" I question the figure that resembles Cato.
He walks up to me quickly, taking long steps on his abnormally long legs.
His fingers touch me, and I feel that jolt, the buzz in the air.
It's real, and he's here.
He promised me and he made sure to keep it.
"Cato."
I told y'all not to lose faith in me! I would never kill Cato off! I love him more than I love anything in this world. I spent hours trying to write this and make sure it was posted on time for you desperate mofos, so please appreciate it!
Everyone on my dorm floor is going out, and here I am writing fanfiction on a friday night. I'm obviously so cool.
In other news, I'm totally crushing on a basketball player right now and I think he likes me too! :D
How bout ya'll vote, comment, share, follow and thank you guys so much for reading. I'm so close to 10K!
Cheers. Laters, baby.
Myesha xx