They lay side by side on the new carpet, naked bodies tangled and shiny with sweat.
Ludwig stared up at the ceiling, and noticed a small crack in the plaster. How had he missed that before? He'd have to get it patched up.
His hands smoothed up and down Gilbert's back and sides.
"How long have you wanted that?" he asked softly.
Gilbert shifted, laying his head on Ludwig's chest so he could look up into his brother's face. "Don't know. Not sure I knew I wanted it until it was happening."
"But, that night when you visited me… and the way you… I don't know, look at me sometimes… Don't you think it meant something? Don't you think this means something?"
Gilbert rolled onto his back with a sigh. "Why does anything have to mean anything? Let's just… enjoy it."
"…Enjoy it?" Ludwig laughed weakly. "You just committed homosexual incestuous adultery, and your plan is to just… enjoy it?"
Gilbert sat up and trailed a finger down Ludwig's chest and leaned in close. "That is exactly what I plan to do," he breathed against his brother's lips, then planted a languid kiss on them.
He broke away after several long moments with a smirk on his face. "Now come on; something tells me you haven't broken in that big new bed of yours."
…
"Is this illegal, what we're doing?" Ludwig mused an hour later as he held his brother in his arms, sprawled over bedcovers in disarray. They'd thrown them off when the heat had become too sweltering; the weather was unusually summer-like.
"Well, incest is illegal in Germany, isn't it? Didn't you hear about that brother-sister couple in the news?" Gilbert didn't sound the least bit concerned.
"Yeah, but, that's because of the children, isn't it? With two guys… do you think they could really send us to jail?"
Gilbert yawned. "They won't send us to jail, because no one will ever find out. We won't talk about it, and it will be just like it never happened." His eyes were resolutely fixed on the opposite wall.
Something clenched in Ludwig's chest. "Do you really want that?" he asked quietly.
Gilbert turned his impassive gaze on him. "Of course I do. And so should you." He slipped free of Ludwig's grasp and sat up. "I should get back."
Ludwig hooked an arm around his brother's waist. "You don't have to."
"Yes I do; Elsi's having guests over for dinner. She's expecting me." Gilbert didn't sound exactly excited by the prospect.
But Ludwig let him get up anyway, and followed him into the other room.
Gilbert set about gathering up his clothes and throwing them back on. "We'll write it off as the heat, or beer, or magic fairy dust or whatever."
Ludwig grasped his brother's elbow. "Gilbert, I want to see you again."
"'Course you will. Come over any time. Elsi loves to cook for guests."
"You know what I mean."
Gilbert finally met his eyes. He gave a half-smile. "Magic fairy dust only works as an excuse once, y'know." He clapped his brother on the shoulder and slipped on his shoes.
"See you around, little brother. And by the way, there's a crack in your ceiling you might want fixed."
And with that he was out the door, leaving Ludwig standing naked in the middle of his cluttered, unfinished dining room.
…
Ludwig tried calling Gilbert several times in the following weeks. He didn't care what his brother said. He needed to see him again.
On the occasions that Gilbert actually picked up, he made excuses not to see his brother. But one time Elizaveta answered, and promptly invited Ludwig over for lunch the following Sunday.
He was a little nervous when he arrived at the house. Maybe Gilbert would be upset with him for using Elsi to arrange a meeting. Would his brother even be able to act normal in front of his wife? Would Ludwig be able to act normal?
He was almost surprised how easy it was to keep a polite smile on his face when Elsi greeted him at the door, however.
"Ah, Ludwig, you're just on time! Roderich's come over too—I'll introduce you!"
Ludwig remembered Gilbert mentioning the name Roderich once—Elsi's previous husband, though his brother usually simply referred to him as "the Ex."
Roderich Edelstein was a man of manners and charm. Ludwig had to admit he looked far more at home lounging in the white wicker chair with a Melange in hand ("After all these years, she still remembers just how I like them," he'd offered with an ingratiating smile) than Gilbert ever could. With a jolt, Ludwig realized the man had once called this place home.
Gilbert, for his part, greeted Ludwig as if he hadn't a care in the world. He even managed to behave himself during lunch, though Ludwig could tell Roderich irked him to no end.
Gilbert didn't speak much, and spared barely a word for his brother.
Several times, Ludwig was certain when he glanced at his brother that his eyes had been on him just a moment before, like they were reaching out for each other in the dark and kept missing by mere centimeters.
It also did not escape Ludwig's notice how Roderich smiled just a little too warmly at Elsi, and how she laughed just a bit too much at his sophisticated witticisms.
It didn't escape Gilbert's notice either.
"So, Ludwig, I hear you're in urban planning?" Roderich inquired politely, primly sipping from his Melange.
Ludwig set his beer down. "Yes, you hear correctly."
"My, for a developing city like Berlin—that must keep you quite busy!"
He gave a terse smile. "Quite busy, yes."
"You know, I heard a rumor that someone has plans to build on part of Tempelhof Park. Are you involved in that?"
"I won't be, if I can help it. There's a referendum coming up, as a matter of fact. Berliners don't trust big business not to ruin their most treasured open space, and I can't blame them." He sighed wearily. "Some politicians have promised affordable housing will be part of the package, which, frankly, the city sorely needs, but the guarantees aren't enough. If it goes the way I and many others fear it might, it would be only the latest example of a part of the city which should belong to the public being taken away and placed in the hands of the privileged few."
"Oh, well, quite right, of course. Though, some of the urban renewal has been quite necessary, wouldn't you agree?"
"In my experience 'urban renewal' is too often nothing more than a cover name for aggressive gentrification."
Roderich blinked in surprise. "But, aren't you in development yourself?"
"That doesn't mean I always agree with what specifically is chosen to be developed, or how. I don't exactly have control over those decisions."
Elsi cleared her throat. Well," she interjected, "I think we can all agree that it's a relief they didn't tear down the East Side Gallery for all those hotels and offices. I heard about the protests on the news."
"Oh yes, it is a piece of cultural heritage after all." Roderich nodded. "And I mean, there's so much more space along the river that could be developed; there should be no need to tear down the Wall."
Ludwig pursed his lips. He hadn't wanted to be drawn into a conversation about work in one of the precious few moments he had away from it. "To be honest, most of the Mediaspree projects are ill-conceived, in my opinion, though I seem to be in the minority among my colleagues, and there is nothing I can do to impress upon them the value of what they are throwing away. The development is already erasing the unique cultural diversity of the area. The local residents are strongly against it; it was put to a vote a few years ago, and the vast majority was for an alternative plan put forward by the borough, but that referendum was not binding, unfortunately. Already structures that violate approved building plans are under construction."
Roderich gave a nervous, self-deprecating laugh. "My, so much to take into account, isn't there? Well, to be honest I can't really say I understand it all myself. My musician's brain isn't cut out for that sort of thing. Numbers, diagrams, maps—" He waved his hand dismissively. "In fact I've been told I have a singularly terrible sense of direction." He gave Elizaveta a knowing smile and she tittered in response.
Gilbert's eye twitched noticeably.
"Ludwig, why don't I show you around the lake?" he suggested suddenly, standing from the table.
Ludwig looked up at his brother in surprise. Gilbert hadn't even finished his beer. That was unlike him.
"Ah, a walk around the lake would be lovely in this weather—" began Roderich, but Elsi cut him off.
"Actually, Roddy, I was hoping you might play that new piece for me, remember, the one you were telling me about?" Elizaveta seemed to realize the invitation was extended to Ludwig and Ludwig only.
He wouldn't pass up an opportunity to speak with his brother alone, so Ludwig drained the rest of his own bottle and stood to follow him.
"You don't like him much, do you?" he ventured when they had left the yard behind and crossed over the inlet on a footbridge. Willows shaded their path; the white flowers, fallen from the branches, lay dirtied underfoot.
"Heh, is it that obvious?"
"Subtlety isn't exactly your strong suit."
"I wouldn't be too sure. Maybe you just don't know me well enough." The shadow of a smile played on his lips.
Ludwig could feel his pulse quicken in his throat.
They walked in silence. Ludwig opened his mouth to speak several times, but his courage always faltered.
Finally, when he couldn't stand it any longer, he took a deep breath and steeled himself to say: "So, are we going to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
"Oh come on Gilbert, don't play dumb with me."
"No really, what?"
Ludwig just glared at him.
"Well, if you can't say what it is, then I guess we're not going to talk about it."
Ludwig sighed in exasperation. "Are we going to talk about the fact that we slept together?" he hissed through his teeth.
Gilbert shot him a steely glance. "I thought we had an agreement."
"No, Gilbert, there was no agreement. I never said I wouldn't talk about."
"Well I don't see what there is to talk about. We did it; it's done."
"Yes, but—don't walk away from me!"
He tried to turn his brother back around towards him, but Gilbert shook him off.
"Honestly, Ludwig, this is—"
But Ludwig would never learn just what his brother thought this was. Seized with a sudden urgency, he grabbed hold of Gilbert's arm and hauled him off the path into a thicket of trees, shoving him up against a trunk.
Gilbert opened his mouth to complain, but Ludwig swiftly silenced him with a fierce kiss.
Gilbert struggled against his stronger brother, but Ludwig held him fast.
When he finally broke for air, Gilbert glared at him. "You're a bastard, you know that?"
Ludwig swiftly brought their mouths together again to cut off any further insults.
Gilbert attempted to wriggle his wrists out of his brother's grasp, but when he succeeded in freeing them, he didn't try to push him away. Instead he gripped at his shoulder, neck, head, trying desperately to pull him closer.
They fumbled together in a violent endeavor to hold, to meld. When they finally drew apart they were gasping.
Ludwig kept his brother pinned to the tree, caged in by his arms. He leaned his forehead against Gilbert's and stood there, just breathing, eyes closed.
Gilbert shifted, and Ludwig backed away to look at him.
"You," breathed Gilbert, a wry smile twisting his lips.
"What?" asked Ludwig, heat rising in his cheeks.
"Nothing." Gilbert was positively grinning now. His eyes flashed. "Catch me if you can."
And with that he pushed himself off of the trunk and darted through the underbrush.
It took Ludwig a moment to process the challenge before he was lunging after him.
Gilbert broke through the trees back onto the flat path, laughing as he went. "C'mon Brüderchen, getting too old to play chase?" he cackled.
But Ludwig was faster than Gilbert, and at a bend in the path he managed to grab him about the waist. Gilbert tried to keep running, tripping them up so they both tumbled down the grassy bank towards the water.
Ludwig rolled himself over his smirking brother. He glanced around to make sure their position was sheltered by undergrowth and tall reeds, and kissed him again.
Gilbert kissed back enthusiastically for a few seconds, slipping his hands up Ludwig's shirt. Ludwig melted into the touch, when suddenly those fingers started mercilessly poking and tickling at his sides. He shot up with an undignified squawk, twisting away from Gilbert's hands as his brother shook with laughter.
Gilbert stood and brushed himself off as the other glared at him. He leaned down and picked up a flat smooth pebble, rubbing it with his thumb before skipping it, one, two, three-four, over the surface of the water.
"Reminds me of the good old days," sighed Gilbert contentedly. "Remember that time when Mama and Papa took us to Wannsee, the first year after the divorce? That was a great day. We wrestled in the water and I put sand in your hair." He chuckled and skipped another stone.
Ludwig raised his eyebrows. "I remember that as a singularly unpleasant experience. Sand in the eyes is rather painful. And you kept pushing me underwater for so long that Mutti finally had to intervene."
Gilbert wrinkled his nose. "Oh yeah. Eh, sorry 'bout that. Just doing my brotherly duties, you know." Another stone, three skips then down into the lake.
Ludwig hummed skeptically.
Gilbert turned to him. "But we had a good time as kids, didn't we? Even if we were never really close."
"I mostly remember you teasing me mercilessly."
"Exactly!" Gilbert grinned and winked at him, and Ludwig had to smile in spite of himself.
They continued their way around the lake, Gilbert reminiscing about childhood pranks and Ludwig occasionally correcting his memory. Ludwig felt as though something had fallen into place, something that had been missing, perhaps without him ever realizing it. He hadn't seen Gilbert this happy in a very long time.
They wandered through the gardens of old, stately palaces that looked out over the water, and explored among the long-abandoned buildings still standing on their grounds. Gilbert imitated the poses of statues they came across with a ridiculously pretentious expression on his face that made Ludwig laugh every time. He had the feeling his brother had picked the look up from watching Roderich sip his coffee.
They came to an elaborately decorated pagoda on the edge of the lake. Gilbert bounded up the steps and leaned on the railing, gazing across the water.
Ludwig came up beside him. "Can you see your house from here?"
"No. It's better that way. I can pretend I'm lord and master of one of those old palaces instead, and no one lives there but me."
"Wouldn't that get lonely?"
"You kidding me? Being alone's the best. I walk around here on my own sometimes, imagining how it looked in the time of Frederick the Great or something, and it's the best part of my day." He considered his brother for a moment. "You'd be allowed to visit me, though, if you wanted."
"Oh, thank you, that's very gracious of your Majesty."
Gilbert snorted, but a smile twisted his features.
Ludwig smiled back.
…
When they got back to the house Gilbert pulled Ludwig to the willows at the edge of the lawn. Behind the screen of branches it was impossible to be seen from the house.
His warm mouth found Ludwig's quickly.
"I need to see you again," murmured Ludwig against his brother's lips.
Just then Elsi's voice came from the patio. "Gilbert? Ludwig?"
Gilbert pulled away and ducked out through the branches. "Here!"
Ludwig followed his brother.
"There you are! I thought I saw you coming back. Listen, I got a call and have to go into the office for a bit. Roderich's left, he gives his excuses for not waiting for you. I'll be back this evening, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to make dinner. Could you order us something? And Ludwig, you're free to stay if you'd like."
"Ah, thank you, I'll have to see."
"Of course." She turned to Gilbert. "See you later, Hasi!"
"Tschüss, meine Süße."
Ludwig turned to Gilbert when Elsi had gone. "She calls you Hasi?" he asked, holding back a laugh.
"Yeah, shut up," grumbled Gilbert.
…
They were in the guest bedroom with the white linens again, standing face to face, inches apart.
Ludwig very carefully unbuttoned his brother's shirt and pushed it off his shoulders, trailing his hands over his pale skin.
Gilbert lifted Ludwig's t-shirt over his head and off his arms. His hands wandered from chest, to stomach, to sides, and back up, in careful circles like he was trying to create a mental map of his brother's torso.
They removed their pants as carefully as their shirts and stood naked, embracing each other.
Ludwig appreciated his brother's beauty more this time: the curve of his back, the slight indent of his waist, the flat plane of his chest and his long, graceful neck. His slender, languid limbs draped over the bed. The clouding of his violet eyes as they gave themselves over to pleasure, the music of his voice as he panted his brother's name a thousand times into the soft white pillows.
Ludwig, Ludwig, Ludwig…
...
Translation/notes:
Brüderchen: little brother or kid brother, more casual and common (I'm told) than "Brüderlein"
Mutti: Mom
Hasi: bunny, a petname for a lover
Tschüss, meine Süße: bye, my sweetie
Melange is a Viennese coffee specialty.
The East Side Gallery is the longest intact stretch of the Berlin Wall and is covered with murals by artists from all over the world.
Mediaspree is the name given to a large number of projects in the area along the river Spree in the middle of Berlin where the Wall used to be. The fall of the Wall left a large amount of open space which was bought up by investors and has been mostly turned into/designated for high-end business enterprises.
Wansee is a lake in Berlin popular for recreation such as boating and swimming with a sandy beach.