A/N: So sorry about the lack of updates. Life. As usual. And my sudden discovery of Minecraft didn't help, well, anything really.

So to make up for it, I'll post two chapters now.

Grounded

As was becoming the norm, Kaidan awoke to the sounds of Shepard violently vacating her stomach contents in the bathroom.

"This is getting really old, really fast," she groaned as he handed her a washcloth.

"Anything you can take?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "I think anything they've ever developed has horrible side effects. Like fish heads."

"There isn't a drug on the market that can cause fish heads."

"You never know. And if we go through with this, I don't want our baby looking like Admiral Ackbar."

He couldn't resist a snort of laughter. "Well, come on." He helped her to her feet. "Let's find you something you can eat and not immediately get rid of."

They threw on their uniforms and headed down to the mess. Shepard staggered into a chair with a moan, rubbing her forehead with her palms. "Anything you don't want?"

"Eggs. No eggs."

Kaidan sighed as he headed up to Gardner's station. "Got anything without eggs today?"

Gardner glanced at Shepard. "She feeling any better?"

"No. About the same."

"You sure she isn't pregnant?"

Kaidan tried his best not to look suddenly panicked. "Absolutely."

Gardner shook his head. "I just know my wife used to look like that. Here. Certifiably egg-free."

"Is there anything with oranges?"

Kaidan sighed. Gardner gave him another curious look. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Breakfast?" he prompted.

Gardner finished filling up the trays – Kaidan didn't miss him adding another spoonful of oatmeal or whatever to Shepard's – and handed them to him. He carried them back and set Shepard's in front of her. She scrunched up her nose.

"What is that?"

"Oatmeal. I think. Gardner put oranges in yours."

Kaidan watched her as they ate. It looked like she was forcing every spoonful down. "Marra?"

"I'm fine," she murmured. "It's just hard to eat when you're imagining everything coming back up."

::Shep.:: Joker's voice came over the intercom. ::We've got a distress call from a nearby colony. Getting hit by pirates.::

"Damn scavengers," Shepard said. "Kai, you up for it?"

"You certainly aren't. Go lay down." He finished up and returned his tray, kissing her cheek as he passed back by. "Joker, get Kebelsen, Jolinski and Lewis to suit up."

::You got it, Alenko.::

Shepard glared at the crew staring at her from the other end of the table, managing to force the rest of her breakfast down. She returned her tray to Gardner.

"Major, you know what you have yet?" He dropped the tray in the sterilizer.

"No, not yet."

"Still saying." He shook his head. "You sure you ain't pregnant?"

Shepard tried her hardest to keep her face steady. "Yes. Chakwas ruled that out."

"Hm." He still didn't look convinced. "Don't get me sick, then."

Shepard half-smiled. "I'll do my best."

She made her way down to the cargo hold, waiting for Alenko and the marines he was taking down. He showed up first. "Not surprised you're here."

"Well, I have to live vicariously through you now." She grinned. "Just . . . be careful."

He wrapped his arm around her waist and gently kissed her. "Don't worry about me. You know that."

"Eh. I can't help it. So be careful."

The marines showed up. Jolinski noted first that Shepard wasn't armored. "You aren't coming, ma'am?"

"I've come down with something," she said with a small, Majorly smile. "Alenko's more than capable of taking out some pirates on his own. Good luck."

"All right. Into the shuttle." Kaidan motioned them in. Shepard waved as he stepped in. "See you in a few hours, Shepard."

"I'd better, Alenko." She retreated to the hallway above the cargo hold as the shuttle door closed, and watched as it took off.

::Major Shepard to the cockpit.::

Oh, hell. Shepard rolled her eyes. "What, Joker?"

::I'm lonely.::

"Talk to EDI."

::. . . I want you to listen to the comms with me?::

She sighed, knowing he wouldn't give up. "I'll be right up, Joker."

#

"Something you want to tell me, Major?"

Shepard froze behind the pilot's chair. Had EDI . . . if EDI told Joker she was going to take a blowtorch to the AI core. "Uh . . . I'm sick as hell?"

"Ew. That's not what I was talking about. EDI says you've been snapping at her recently."

Shepard glared in EDI's direction. "If EDI would mind her own damn business and stop eavesdropping on me, I wouldn't be."

"I have not been eavesdropping on you, Shepard. . . . no more than usual, at least."

She sighed, dropping onto one of the slender bars framing Joker's console – Jack's former perch. "I've just been moodier than normal lately."

"You know, there's a lower-deck rumor saying that Alenko knocked you up."

Shepard choked on the water she was drinking. "What?!" That was fabulous.

"Yeah, well, with how you've been recently I wouldn't be surprised."

"Shut up," she snapped.

"Shepard." She looked up.

Joker was concerned – she didn't blame him. He'd been through her with literally everything – finding out she was a biotic, enlisting, finding Saren, dying, waking up, committing genocide twice, destroying the Reapers . . . every step of the way. In some ways he was just as close to her as Kaidan was.

While she loved Kaidan more than she could possibly explain, Joker had been through a lot more with her – but it was a different relationship. Joker was more like her annoying younger brother. "What's wrong? I've seen you sick before, but not like this."

She sighed. "EDI, close the cockpit. And turn off surveillance in here. And don't talk to anyone about what happens in here."

"Right away, Shepard." The door slid closed, and she leaned forward on her knees.

"Joker, if this leaves here, I swear I will kill you myself."

"Absolutely." It wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last time he heard that.

"I am pregnant."

Joker blinked a couple of times, then hid a snort of laughter in the back of his hand. "Since you're saying this seriously I'm assuming you are serious. Still, though."

"Yeah. Laugh it up. Get it out while you can."

"Ah, calm down, Shep." Joker waved his hand. "I'm just glad to know you're not dying of Reaper Flu or something. It'd suck to come through that just to get taken down by a bug."

"Eh. Tell me about it." She rubbed her forehead.

"How far?"

"Five or so weeks. There's a reason I'm telling you this." She clasped her hands together in between her knees. "Someone changed out Kaidan's and my suppressants."

Joker raised an eyebrow. "For what? A placebo?"

"Supplements."

He tapped his armrests. "Huh. You don't say."

"Yes. So either someone on this ship thinks that having a kid underfoot would be good for us, or-"

"Someone's really interested in you and Alenko having kids." He drummed his fingers again. "You sure we killed the Illusive Asshole?"

Shepard shook her head. "Yes. But that doesn't mean he didn't have a failsafe, or someone else took over for him."

"So we have a mole on the ship?" Joker frowned. "I'd really hoped we took care of this."

"Same."

"You and Alenko are going through with it?"

She shrugged. "Maybe. I would just like to stop vomiting my guts out first."

He made a face. "Didn't need to know that, Shep. Anyone else know?"

"Chakwas, obviously. I think Gardner's starting to suspect something. And probably whoever's behind this is either aware or suspecting based on my recent health."

"EDI, you want to scrub our systems again?"

"Beginning the scrub, Jeff."

Joker turned back to her. "So . . . when are you going to tell everyone?"

"When I start showing. If we keep going. Until then, I'm just not going on ground missions. I'll micromanage up here."

"Great. We need more micromanaging." He rolled his eyes. "And I hate to break it to you, but now that you mention it . . . you do look like you put on a couple pounds."

"Fuck you."

He held up his hands. "Just saying."

"It's fine." She leaned back. "I noticed. After Chakwas told me it all started to make sense."

"Not surprising." He leaned back as well, tenting his fingers. "So let me guess. You want help figuring out who messed with your suppressants?"

"Yeah. EDI's scrubbing the systems, so hopefully she'll find whatever's going on."

"Unless it is Echidna, at which point they may know how to get around EDI. You talked to Liara yet?"

"The pirate bit distracted me. Speaking of which, didn't you say you had the comms on? Lying bastard."

Joker sighed, leaned forward, and pressed a button.

::-through there.:: Kaidan's voice came across the comm. ::That's where they said they went. Jolinski, take Lewis. I'll take Kebelsen.::

"See, they're fine." He turned back. "You're going to be up here every mission now, aren't you?"

Shepard nodded, one side of her mouth quirking up. "Well, I can't go groundside anymore."

"Never thought I'd see the day." He grinned. "You do realize that half your former ground team is female and will therefore go spastic when you tell them."

"I'm counting on Kasumi to steal me stuff," Shepard retorted. "I'm surprised she doesn't know yet."

"She probably does."

Gunfire ripped over the comm link. They ignored it. Shepard nodded towards his console. "Any news on how rebuilding's going?"

Joker shook his head. "Most of Earth still looks rough. The most recent bit is that London might be too glassed to salvage. Australia too." Shepard sighed heavily. "Not your fault. No one could have done what you did faster."

"I know."

"The Citadel's fine, and they said that the Arcturus rebuild is about thirty percent done. Hey, wait, you can't drink coffee, can you?"

She moaned, dropping her head into her hands. "I'm already going through withdrawal." She stood. "Let me know if anything changes on the comms. I'm going to walk the ship."

"Yep. See ya, Captain."

"And Joker, if you tell anyone . . ."

"My lips are sealed, Shepard. Sealed."

"That goes for you too, EDI."

"I will not tell anyone of this conversation, Shepard."

"Good." Shepard opened the cockpit and wandered back towards the CIC, stopping to chat up some of the hallway crewmen and check their screens. He looked after her, reading her anxiety in the set of her shoulders. He knew she didn't like not being groundside, especially when Alenko was leading the troops outside of her sight.

"Shep." She turned. "Calm down. He'll be fine."

"I know." She resumed her path towards the CIC, then disappeared into the war room.

Joker swung his chair back around.

::Joker. Joker. You there?:: Alenko's voice cut through the cockpit.

"Yep."

::Got a bit of a problem.::

"What sort of problem, Alenko?"

::They've got us pinned down in one of the buildings. Can't get back to the shuttle. You mind sending a few people down to clear them out from behind?::

::I'll head down with someone.:: Kasumi's voice suddenly entered into the comm. ::I'm bored.::

::Grab Griner and get down here. We just need a decent strike from the back.::

"Shepard to the cockpit, again," Joker announced into the shipboard. It wouldn't do for her to find out from someone else and try to go off and drop groundside.

A few seconds later, he picked out Shepard's footsteps hurrying up behind him. "What?"

"Kasumi's taking Griner down in the vehicle. Alenko's pinned down in one of the buildings."

Shepard didn't reply for a few seconds, sucking her teeth. "I'm going down."

"No, you aren't."

"I have to."

"No, Shepard. You aren't going."

She didn't answer, finally turning on her heel and storming back into the CIC. Joker opened the comm to the med bay.

"Joker to Chakwas. Run interference on Shep. She's insisting on going groundside."

::Copy, Joker.::

Shepard was going to kill him.