Reassurances

We were lying in each other's arms. I tenderly traced the features of his face and neck while moving down to the curves of the muscles in his shoulder and chest. There were so many textures to my Ian; from his soft hair, the bristle of stubble on his cheek, his perfect lips, the smooth skin on his shoulders and back, to the small amount of wiry hair that was in the center of his chest. All the while, he gently ran his fingers along my back and arms, occasionally running his hand down the line of my thigh as my leg was wrapped around him. I was sure no two beings ever adored each other more than that moment. I was mesmerized by him, completely lost. Our love felt both new and ancient at the same time. We were gentle but the feeling was overwhelming.

We hadn't spoken for a long time and the only sounds to be heard were our breathing and the sound of the nearby stream. He leaned over to kiss the prominent freckle on my shoulder.

"Do you like my new body?" I whispered unable to look up to meet his eyes. It felt like a question I should not ask but I couldn't hold it in any longer. Weeks of wondering had reached a limit.

He was quiet for a long moment so I raised my eyes to see his expression. He was smiling and softly traced my profile from my temple down my side, over my hip and followed my leg wrapped around him to my ankle.

His silence unnerved me so I felt the need to explain further. "I'm so thankful to have another chance at this life that I feel terrible for even worrying about something that should be inconsequential. I know there's nothing I can do about it therefore it shouldn't matter. "

"You know, most of us feel that way too. There's only so much we can do with the body we are born with as well."

"From my experience with two different ones, I now appreciate the very real difference a body makes to other humans. People treat me differently even though I'm the same inside. I do the same things."

"It's not exactly fair is it? I think most of us try to rise above shallow appearances to judge people by their character but we usually fall far short of that goal. I'm happy to see people treat you the way you deserved all along." He kissed the tip of my nose.

I thought for a minute. "Well, that's why I wonder what you think of me now. It seems most people treat me...like a little sister, I think. It doesn't really bother me except, when it comes to you." I lowered my voice to almost a whisper. "I don't want you to see me in that way."

He laughed quietly before tilting my chin up so he could look into my eyes. "Is that what you're worried about? If I'm attracted to this body?"

He waited for an answer so I nodded, embarrassed.

He brushed my hair back and placed his large hand against my cheek. "Here I've been feeling guilty because I do feel differently." He exhaled one long breath. "I've been trying to rationalize that you are the same so the packaging shouldn't matter but the honest answer is yes. I'm very, VERY attracted to your body. It's taken a tremendous effort to keep my hands off of you and give you time."

A slow smile started to spread across my face as I looked up at him. "You are?"

"Very much so. I'm surprised you can doubt that after what just happened." He raised his eyebrows at me.

"I thought maybe you were still attracted to the person you knew me to be even though I'm not fully what you were initially attracted to." His eyebrows drew together in confusion. "For instance, I feel so helpless in this body. I'm not strong. I can't work as hard, and I certainly can't challenge you in soccer now. You seemed to have fun that day."

"You weren't very much of a challenge then either," he teased and leaned in to kiss me. "And I should probably confess about that day. I had an ulterior motive."

"You did?"

His mouth twisted in a way that made him looked guilty. "Yes. I could see Melanie really didn't trust me around you much. I could also see how her frustration became somewhat your frustration. She was beginning to feel like my opposition and I didn't want that. Jamie had mentioned how he and Mel used to play soccer often. So, I was hoping to make her happy, thereby making you happy and hopefully get her to like me a little more. Or dislike me a little less. That way I could have more time with YOU. I played soccer with Mel keeping you in mind as the prize."

I thought back to that day trying to view it in that perspective.

"You worried before if I saw you in a sisterly way. If I had a sister, I imagine she would be a lot like Kyle and me. She would be tall like Mel, and tough and stubborn like Mel. She probably would be good at soccer like Mel. Those are sisterly things to me. You," he ran his fingertips slowly down the side of my face, neck and then chest. "You are nothing like what my sister would be. You are soft and gentle. You are kind and thoughtful. You are the most unselfish being I've ever met. And you're wrong, you may not be tough - which I prefer and I'll explain in a moment - but you are remarkably strong. I'm constantly awed by your strength. You came here like a lamb into a lion's den. I was one of those that found you barely alive after you had braved that desert to find what you were looking for. I watched you work harder than everyone here just to earn their trust, even when most of those people hated you. Time and time again, you push yourself far beyond your physical capabilities. Selfishly, I'm relieved you are less tough so those limits are not as extreme. I worry less. The fact that most of the others are now treating you like you always deserved is also a weight off my shoulders. I have more people on my side that want to look out for you rather than oppose you. I don't see how I could have asked for the situation to have worked out better for me."

It was difficult to fully take in everything he had said. I didn't feel worthy of such high praise but it filled my chest with warmth because it came from Ian, the one whose opinion meant the most to me.

He must have been able to see I was thinking over everything because he added, "Let me be clear about one thing. I am so very much in love with you, body and soul. I think I've made my point now and before about how attractive the soul part is. About your body," He supported his weight on top of me and leaned down to run his lips up my throat, across my jaw and over to my mouth. "I feel insanely fortunate." He brushed his lips back and forth across mine twice before he kissed me slowly. "If the decision had been mine, I would have felt too selfish if I had chosen a body such as this for my own. Jamie thinks you look like an angel but I think you look more like a goddess. As it is, I'll owe Jamie forever for his exquisite taste. I just can't tell him because of all the things I want to do with every inch of your body."

His words were like fire under my skin. My breathing had quickly accelerated. How did his mere words have such an effect on me?

His lips trailed down to my chest and abdomen. "This is all very exceptional." His mouth paused and he turned his head slightly to the side as if an idea had just occurred to him. "Well, every bit I've seen so far is exquisite. I can't give my full opinion just yet."

I already felt exposed lying beneath him in the dim light from the lantern without any clothes.

He smiled slyly. "Now, I'd love to see this gorgeous back that I've only been able to imagine until now. If you turn over, I'll give you my complete assessment".

I could feel the warmth on my face increase but I obediently rolled to my stomach.

"Mmmmm, even better than I imagined. You have a very beautiful back." He ran his hand up from my waist and across my shoulders slowly lowering himself on me. His warm breath was soft on the back of my neck as he gathered my hair up. He trailed his finger up the faint scar on the back of my neck. "This is my favorite part though. It's what makes this body significant to me because I know you're right here." I felt his lips softly press on the back of my neck.

His words moved me profoundly. He truly did understand the complex difference between me and the body I used. I marveled at how he loved me so perfectly.

My hands moved to entwine my fingers with both his hand in my hair and the other supporting his weight over me. I turned my head to find his lips and he kissed me.

"I'm learning my second favorite thing about your body is how it responds to me." He moved the hand that was in my hair and slid it down my side, over the curve of my thigh and down the inside of my leg. Without a conscious effort to do so, my knee bent to pull my leg to the side, allowing him to settle in between. "I no longer take that for granted," he whispered in my ear.

A slow burning hunger caused my hips to instinctually tilt back.

He slowly slid himself back inside me. "You are exquisite," he breathed.