WARNING: Strong depression/suicidal content in this chapter. Also mention of kidnapping and abuse.
"No." Victoria's words came out, suddenly cutting Max's feeling of determination "I am not going anywhere with you Caulfield, get the fuck off" she folded her arms, waiting for Courtney to start walking, but she didn't.
"What are you doing Courtney? Let's go!" Victoria said impatiently to her hesitant friend.
"I don't know about this Vic, you're acting very strange" Courtney said before directing her gaze towards Max "She hasn't done anything wrong. Just talk to her, she's actually pretty cool" she directed a smile towards Max, seems like she hadn't forgotten about the little friendship they had.
Victoria let out an exasperated sigh "You know what? Fine! I'll just go by myself" she started walking but Max grabbed her by the arm before she could leave. The blonde's reaction was immediate as she forcibly shook Max's hand off her "Don't ever touch me again Caulfield"
Max could feel her determination coming back to her "I wouldn't do that if I were you, I know some pretty interesting shit about you and I'll be more than glad to share it, Chase"
A wave of nervousness hit Victoria like a rock, she started stuttering and looking for words to say, but none came out. "So, are you coming?" Max said, a shit eating grin on her face that looked far too much like Chloe's, she really was a good bad influence on her.
"I'll leave you two to it then" Courtney interrupted "Oh and Max, if you're still up to it, maybe we can still do that dress up session someday. Just call me okay? I hope you, uh, feel better" she said awkwardly before heading out.
An awkward silence could be heard after Courtney left, Victoria and Max were standing in front of each other, but none of them said a word. "Shit, I never planned this far… What am I going to say anyway?"
"Look, if we're gonna do this at least let's go to my room. I don't need anyone hearing any of this shit" The blonde finally said, heading towards the dorm entrance while Max silently followed.
When they got to the hall Victoria looked very carefully to see if anyone was around to see them, when she was sure there was no one around she quickly headed towards her door and carefully opened it without making any noise. Max stood outside for a second, a little disoriented; going inside Victoria's room with Victoria herself wasn't something she was familiar with.
"What are you doing? Get in here before somebody sees us!" Victoria whispered in a rushed tone.
"Uh yeah, I'm… sorry" Max said awkwardly while entering the room, the blonde closing the door behind her. She stood there not facing Max for a second, making a nervous sigh she turned to face the brunette.
"Okay, let's get this over with, cut to the chase Caulfield"
Max had so many things to say, so many she couldn't settle on one, she opened her mouth several times to speak but the words just tangled in her throat not coming out. "Shit Max, just fucking say something." She thought to herself "Okay you were worried about whether or not she was drugged last night, say something about that"
The photographer shifted in her feet "I was wondering if you have been… taking drugs" she said quietly
"That's none of your business." Victoria said, but Max just stared at her determined, she wasn't going to go without answers. The blonde sighed noticing this.
"I may have taken some of the goods Nathan left here" She said looking at the ground "I just wanted to not feel anything for a while you know?" Victoria looked really vulnerable while talking, and she noticed this "I am not discussing this with you of all people" her voice broke a little when she said that last sentence.
Max noticed how broken she looked again, how her walls almost fell for a moment "Why did you lock yourself? Victoria people were worried about you… your friends were worried about you, even now I know they still are." Her tone was calm and comforting.
"I don't know okay!? Fuck, I just wanted everything to stop" Victoria almost yelled, sitting on the bed and taking her face in her hands, covering herself from the smaller girl. "I just want everything to end." She said in almost a whisper.
Max stood in front of the girl, "I just want everything to stop. To end." The words echoed in her mind, she had thought those exact same words just yesterday. Max saw how broken Victoria looked, then looked at her own hands, examining them, how skinny they were from not eating, how pale she looked from not sleeping.
"I understand." Max said after a moment, and Victoria finally looked up "I get it Victoria, I have felt that way too. I am feeling that way right now. It's not pretty, it's the most horrible feeling in the world. You don't want to live, but you don't have the strength to die either… you just want to stop existing." Her sight was focused on the ground now.
Victoria looked at the brunette startled, what Max said was just exactly what she was feeling. She decided that if she stayed silent she would burst out crying and she wasn't about to cry in front of Max of all people, so she started talking
"After what happened with Nathan and Mr. Jefferson I felt… done. Like I had nothing else to do in this world." Max looked at her interested, she never thought she would see this picture "All my life I've had this feeling that something was missing, something was wrong and I could never find myself being happy, sure I had money and parents who didn't give a shit about anything I do but… that wasn't happiness." Victoria's voice was trembling and shaking
"When I got into Blackwell it felt like everything had fallen into place, I wasn't empty anymore. I found Nathan and we really hit it off, sure sometimes he would get a little out of line and it scared me sometimes, but he was my friend, we fooled around in more than one way and we both knew it was okay, there was no commitment or drama between us, just two friends who were there for each other." She made a long sigh before continuing "I found my dream, and it was working with Mr. Jefferson, I finally had something to look up to, something that wasn't going to be given to me for free, I had to be talented and I had to work hard for it and it made me happy… and now… fuck I'm so stupid, I'm making my friends go away too. I already lost everything."
Max was standing silently, suddenly understanding Victoria's behavior "I get it now. She replaces sadness and vulnerability with anger, and takes it out on everything and everyone that gets in the way"
There was a moment of silence between the two, Max was still startled about what she just witnessed she didn't know what to say "Fuck. Why am I even doing this? Can't you just leave me alone!? You got what you wanted so just go!" Victoria yelled.
The silence continued just enough to make things awkward for a moment, but Max was deep in thought "It was wrong… it was so wrong" the thought echoed in her mind "But for a moment I wasn't Max Caulfield the girl who watched the love of her life die so many times and couldn't save her at last, the girl who got kidnapped and abused by her hero… I was nothing, I felt nothing, just that pleasant feeling." And suddenly she changed, she felt more than determined "I don't want to be Max Caulfield"
"Is this why you went to my room last night?" Max asked in a very serious tone.
Victoria looked up shocked to the brunette who had a serious expression, "W-what are you even talking about? I did nothing-" But she got cut mid-sentence by Max who moved the neck of her shirt to reveal a few hickeys and bites on her neck.
The blonde's shocked look soon turned to anger mixed with embarrassment "I- I don't know, I barely remember bits and parts of it, I thought if I treated you like shit you would get that it was a mistake and it doesn't mean anything… I chose to forget it and you will too."
"Why should I?" Max said, still very serious.
Victoria got up and faced the other girl "Because it was stupid okay? Don't ever bring it up again. It never happened, you get that Caulfield?"
"But it did, Chase. It did happen. You just said you wanted to not feel anything right? What did you feel that night?"
She looked to the ground again "I don't give a fuck Max! I'm not a fucking dyke okay!? Don't you even dare speak a word of it to anyone" Victoria looked insecure, scared.
She faced the brunette again, but Max looked different, she didn't quite look like herself, more like someone that didn't have anything to lose.
"What did you feel that night Victoria? You didn't feel anything, no pain, no sadness, no happiness, no love. Nothing, right?" Max said, getting closer to the other girl, not minding what she had just said to her.
"I didn't…"
"And it was different, it was just you and pleasure, nothing else."
"Nothing else…" The blonde repeated, looking at the other girl, remembering those memories she had tried to ignore, the feeling, it was different. There was nothing. Just pleasure.
"That night you told me to not overthink it, remember?" The photographer said in a calm tone "Do you still want to not feel anything?"
They both stood there for a second, looking at each other's eyes, those tired blue eyes so desperately looking for rest, both the same.
"I don't like you" Victoria said after a moment.
"And I don't like you either" Max responded "And you said you're not a lesbian, and this isn't something romantic. You know what this is."
"Not feeling" Victoria said to herself in almost a whisper.
The blonde stood there silently for a moment, before looking up to see the brunette again "Fuck it" She said, before going in for a rough kiss and pushing the other girl. Max was taken by surprise suddenly aware again of what she was doing, the rush of confidence she had earlier was going down but she was slowly getting that feeling of hunger and need she had last night.
Victoria pushed her down and pinned the other girl to the bed sitting on top of her, pausing a moment between kisses to say "If you speak a word of this I'm fucking killing you"
"I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore."
My feelings on this chapter are VERY mixed, this took a turn I originally didn't plan, but at the same time it just kind of came out while writing, it almost wrote itself and it felt like it was something that was coming from the first chapter.
I did my best to show the inner thoughts from both of them and giving an inside look of what was going on as to why they did what they did and why it was almost natural for it to happen. Also tried to keep the pace good and not rush too much but I don't know how well that one turned out.
The thing with this story is that these characters are human, and humans adapt to their conditions in their most desperate times and it is nothing to be blamed about, it is only human.
As always please review and give me your thoughts on this one!