"Callen? I hate to do this to you, but I really need a favour."

I've thought long and hard about this before finally gathering my courage together and making the call, but no matter how I look at things, it's the only thing I can think of, given the circumstance. I would have asked Sam to help, but he's got his family after all, and he deserves to be able to spend time with them over the weekend.

"Deeks? What's wrong? Are you feeling ill again?"

There's an air of barely repressed concern in Callen's voice and I have this suspicion that for the next six months or so all I'm going to have to do is sigh and the team will be hovering around me with these anxious expressions on their faces, like I'm going to peg out them, or something.

"I'm fine, Callen. Really. Just a bit tired."

The sigh of relief is quite audible, even down the phone. "Great. Make sure you don't do too much."

"I won't."

For starters, Kensi won't let me. She made that perfectly clear this morning before she left for work. I'm under strict instructions to sit and watch TV, with only excursions to the kitchen and bathroom being allowed. And then there is Hetty. If it gets back to Hetty that I've been disobeying doctor's orders today, then she is more than capable of insisting that I move in with her, so that she can keep a proper on eye on me and make sure that I do exactly what I am told. And, no offense to Hetty, but that's what I call a fate worse than death. Well, almost.

"So how can I help?"

I might as well just come straight out with it. "I need you to look after Monty for me."

Now, I actually feel quite bad about asking him to do this. Not only because it's putting Callen out, but also because I bet Monty would love to come to Carmel with us. He might even get to meet Doris Day's dogs. It's just that I need this weekend to be about me and Kensi, with no outside distractions, like a dog yelping to go out for a pee at 2am when you are otherwise engaged. Not that I'm planning on actually getting engaged, or even proposing, or anything like that at all: it's just a turn of phrase, so don't read anything into it. Anyway, even if I was (which I'm not, because it's far too soon and I've never exactly seen myself as the marrying kind) I'm not sure Kensi would say 'yes'. And you don't ask until you're certain, do you? Or have I got that wrong too?

"Oh yes – your weekend away. Kensi said you were going to Carmel."

"She did?" Well, knock me down and call me Joe. "Really?"

Hallelujah. Let joy be unconfined because Kensi's finally cracked and seen sense. I knew she would. I just had to give her enough space to do things in her own time, that was all. Good girl. I knew this would all turn out just fine. And Callen certainly seems calm enough about it. Almost like it's a non-event or something.

"Oh yes, she said you had a buddy with a house at Carmel and you'd arranged to go down for the weekend. Only what with the headaches and everything… well, you know what the doctor said. So Kensi's going to do the driving."

"That's right." Okay, I jumped to entirely the wrong conclusion there, didn't I? I'd forgotten just how cunning Kensi can be. It's the truth, of course – just not exactly the whole truth. Let this be a lesson to you: never, ever underestimate a woman, Deeks. "So you're okay to look after Monty?"

"Sure. No problem. I'll come over with Kensi this afternoon and pick him up. I think she said she was leaving about 2? I'll see you then."

"Thanks, Callen. I owe you."

"Anytime."

I end the call and turn to Monty. "Who's going to go have a sleepover with Uncle Callen then?"

Monty looks less than thrilled at this prospect. In fact, he puts his tail between his legs and then slinks off and tries to hide behind the curtains, just to show me exactly what he feels about this prospect. And I try not to feel guilty. It is ridiculous that my dog can make me feel this bad about wanting to have two days away. It's not like he owns me. And Callen will look after Monty – I know he will. Even if he hasn't even had a pet goldfish. After all, how much harm can he do to Monty in two days. It's no good. I'm feeling worse by the second and Monty is now making these pathetic little whimpering noises. Admitting defeat, I go get some cheese and sausage from the fridge and let him eat it out of my fingers. It won't do his gas problem any good, but I'm not going to be around this evening to get the worst of it, am I?

He's a nice guy, Callen. A really nice guy and I feel bad about deceiving him. Not only about Monty's slight flatulence problem, but about me and Kensi. Because it looks like this pretence is going to go on for just a little bit longer… I've got nothing else to do, so I haul out the magazine again and reread the last instruction again, just to check that I am really am doing the right thing.

12. Make time.
Your relationship should be one of the most (if not the most) important things in your life. Don't let the daily drudge get in the way of spending time with your loved one. Find the time to watch a movie or go for a walk or eat dinner together. Cancel other plans or meetings if necessary, but remember - how can you be "together" if you spend no time together?

Well, that's a great big check right there. It's nice to know I'm on definitely the right lines for once in my life. Maybe this relationship thing isn't actually as hard as I thought it was? And maybe I need to give Kensi a copy of the article too? However, there might be another way to look at this: my article, the rules I've been trying to live by, was written by a woman. Now, the way I look at it, I've been trying to make a success of things by putting myself into a woman's shoes. Not that I could do that, on account of my feet being kind of large, even if I do take care of them. Hey, I like to wear flip-flops a lot of the time, and there's nothing worse than seeing a pair of feet that look more like hooves, is there? Anyway, that's beside the point. I just wanted to point out that although some people might think I'm kind of scruffy, I do actually have pretty high standards. But basically, I've been trying to get an insight into how Kensi might be viewing this whole thing we have and then trying to do the right thing. And it seems to be working. But what about the male point of view? Isn't that equally important? It does take two people to make a relationship work.

Anyway, seeing as how I'm under orders (on pain of death) to stay in the apartment and not do anything strenuous, I manage to toddle over and grab my laptop. There has to be something on the internet that's going to help me, doesn't there? Actually, I strike gold within five minutes, once I've managed not to click on all the slightly more dubious links when I enter in 'relationship advice', that is. It's quite simple, because it turns out that someone has already carried out the same search – and didn't delete the browser history. And seeing as how Monty doesn't have opposable thumbs, I'm pretty sure who that 'someone' is. Just to be quite sure, I go to have a look for the most recent documents opened. And guess what I find? A whole new document, consisting of a series of those handy hints that are distressingly familiar, but this time, with annotated comments. I have struck the mother-lode. Relationship gold mine.

I'm very tempted to read it. Of course I am. Try telling me you wouldn't be - and then go look in the mirror to see how long your nose has grown. Anyway, it's my laptop in the first place, so I've got every right, and in the second place, if Kensi didn't want me to read it, then she should have password-protected it, or emailed it to her own account and deleted the damned thing. The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that Kensi subconsciously wants me to read the thing. Plus, there's this is more temptation that any man could possibly resist, far less one who is completely clueless when it comes to relationships - like me. And then there is the small fact that I am basically incurably nosey. I can resist anything but temptation.

It turns out that Kensi has copied out a whole lot advice from something called Men's Line, which is in Australia. Now, Australian men are pretty macho, aren't they? That's the impression they give anyway, so this is looking more promising by the minute. Who better to tell it straight that an Australian man? This has got to be good. This could be exactly what I'm looking for. And when I open the document, I find it's even better than I could ever have hoped for, because Kensi's helpfully added her own comments. This is better than gold: this is actually going to let me see how women (or Kensi at least) actually think. It's pretty much what I've been look for my entire life: the secrets of the female universe laid open right before me.

1. Develop a sense of trust - that is feeling that you can both be seen, heard, understood and accepted.
I trust Deeks. I'm just not sure I trust myself.

That's interesting. She trusts me – in a relationship sense? Wow. I'm impressed. I'm obviously doing better than I thought I was.

2. Recognise that physical closeness is only one expression of intimacy. Intimacy can be verbal (e.g. telling your partner why you love them or things that you love about them), and it can also be expressed by doing special things for your partner or generally helping out with daily living tasks.
Easier said than done. I just want to be with him all the time. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him. Does taking care of Monty count? Doing his laundry?

I can't disagree with Kensi there, because I feel exactly the same way about wanting to be with her. I'm actually missing her right now and my apartment feels far too big and far too empty when she's not here. And, just for the record, looking after Monty does count. Ditto buying that robe and the candle. And while it was nice of her to do my laundry, it would have been good if she hadn't put her own stuff in too, including the tight-fitting red t-shirt I like so much. Because now my white boxers are pale pink. It's a good thing I'm secure about my sexuality. And only Kensi see them anyway and according to her I look pretty in pink.

3. Acknowledge each other's need to be autonomous and to make your own decisions sometimes.
Not fair. I'm not going to answer this one. I'm not ready to tell other people about us yet. What if it doesn't work out? What if he leaves me? Because men always leave me. Why would anyone want to be with me, when they find out what the real me is like?

Okay, now I feel seriously bad. Why didn't she tell me any of this? And what am I going to do about it? That's the question, isn't it? Apart from telling her that wherever she goes, I go. No questions asked. And that I think she's great, just the way she is. No matter what, no questions asked at all. She's Kensi, and that is all that matter to me.

4. Create a safe and open place, where you can both express problems, doubts, fears and weaknesses without fear of rejection or punishment.
Does talking in bed after we've made love count? Maybe this weekend in Carmel will give us the space we need. I hope so.

Sounds good to me. Carmel might just give us the space and time we both need, away from LA and everything else, like NCIS. Maybe we can be like normal people for a couple of days and forget about all the crap we deal with on a day to day basis and just concentrate on the moment – and each other?

5. Be willing to communicate. This often includes sharing feelings, needs and wants. Note: Listening to your partners problems does not necessarily mean you are responsible for solving them.
Huh. This ignores the whole issue – it's not about communicating, it's about compromising. And I'm not good at that. Neither is Deeks, until he's backed into a corner and not given any choice. Which is what I've done. And anyway, Deeks doesn't talk about his past. I've tried, but he won't budge.

Okay, I've got to acknowledge that Kensi is, once again, completely right. I don't talk much about my past because, if you really want the truth, it was pretty messed up. But maybe I've got to start to change? Kensi said that she was scared I might leave if I found out what she was really like – only I do already. I know exactly what she is like and I love her. So maybe I've got to trust her enough to see the real me too?

6. Be open to negotiate around your differences with respect and generosity. You are not going to get your own way all the time.
Some things are non-negotiable. Aren't they? Okay, I'm spitting in the wind here. Maybe we can agree to tell people on our one-year anniversary? Yeah, I can really see Deeks buying that.

You nailed that one, Kensi.

7. Aim to be aware of personal issues you bring to the relationship (sometimes called 'baggage'), and take responsibility for these. Also be aware of the expectations you may place on others and assess how realistic they are.
I have the equivalent of a 747 cargo hold full of personal baggage. By the time I've assessed all that and the impact on this relationship, we are going to be in our eighties. And Deeks has a fair few hang-ups of his own. Basically, we're both pretty messed up individuals. This is never going to work, is it?

This is going to work because we both want it to work. And it's working, even if we are both completely screwed up. All I've got to do is to convince Kensi about that. By whatever means possible. I want this to work more than I've ever wanted anything.

8. Regular time alone gives you space to recharge and rebalance. This will allow you to give more in your relationship in the long-run.
Excuse me? I don't want time alone. I want to be with Deeks. It's easy to see a man wrote this. Which means that Deeks wants time alone, doesn't it? So why did he suggest we go to Carmel? This doesn't make any sense at all.

I don't want time alone either. Except maybe to go surfing – but that could work, because Kensi could sit on the beach and watch. Better still, I could teach her to surf. Hmmm – the thought of Kensi in a wetsuit. Oh yes. That image is working for me.

9. Maintain and build a supportive network of friends outside the relationship. No single relationship will meet every need.
Excuse me? Who wrote this stuff? And who am I supposed to talk to about things? Hetty? Nell? Yeah, right. I can see that happening round about the same time Deeks shaves his head.

Who writes these things? Do they honestly think that men have 'supportive' friends? Of course we don't. We try to be sympathetic, but it's never very successful, because it's simply not in our DNA. We just kind of pat people on the back and look uncomfortable ninety per cent of the time, until a woman comes to the rescue and shows us how it should be done. Men just can't relate to other men in the way that women relate to other women. Unless this piece is talking about manly-bonding over beer and sports, which is completely different. It's not like we talk about ourselves, or anything.

10. Develop the capacity to not take yourself and everything else too seriously
This is the almost perfect definition of everything that Deeks is and everything that I am not. How many years of psycho-analysis do I need and how much is it going to cost? Nate – where are you when I need you? (NB: remember to ask Hetty about Nate. Where the hell is he? Not that I would ever talk to Nate about my love life, on account of the fact he's kind of got this thing for me, and that would be cruel).

Really? Now that's interesting. So she's not twigged that my joking about things is what they call a displacement activity? Because I kill people. That's kind of what I do for a living. Only with due provocation and due cause, of course – but in the end, what does that matter. In the end it come down to one thing: I have killed a lot of people and I have to live with knowledge. No matter how evil they might be, how utterly lacking in morals, the fact is that I take away life, and I know that for every life I take, there is at least one person who is mourning, whose life I have just devastated. You try living with that knowledge. So I joke about things: that's my way of coping. It doesn't mean I'm not bothered. But it's the only way I know how to try to live with myself.

This whole thing is interesting. It looks like Kensi is as confused by this whole business of being in a relationship as I am. And that's just fine. We can muddle along together. But Nate's got a thing for Kensi? Really? How weird. He's so not her type, after all. He's not - is he? Please don't tell me that Kensi's got a thing for Nate too or I just might have a relapse.