No Excuses 6 - Staying
Right then! I've been wondering about sticking in some exposition from Beast Boy's side and, now that people are actually asking about it, this seems like the opportune moment. We'll pick up where we left off, inside Raven's head. I am going to try and fit any accounts into the series timeline but I may add bits if they serve the story. Here goes!
Raven, having exhausted her tears and laughter, lay on the comfortable ground and stared at the pink sky... she still wondered how this place survived inside her head. She felt a presence appear and lie next to her but didn't look over. She knew who it was.
"I suppose that kiss on the cheek was your idea?" Raven asked. Affection giggled a little.
"Mmmmmaybe. He certainly deserved it," the emotion replied. Raven's smile remained, but her eyes looked a little concerned.
"No doubt... but that doesn't mean it should have happened. He's already in a difficult situation and that sort of thing will confuse him even more. Giving him false hope will hurt him in the end." Raven explained. Her emotion looked nervous now, biting her lip.
"Hurt him? Oh no... that's the last thing I want! Forgive me, Raven... it just felt right." Raven's smile finally slipped at the emotion's confession.
"I know... that's what worries me. Is it possible that Beast Boy's feelings are... affecting you? Affecting us in some way?" The pair sat up to talk more easily. Affection's eyes took on a faraway look and a tiny smile appeared.
"Yes, we can be affected... but he can't make you feel something that isn't there. When he cried in your room, you almost shed a few yourself, correct?" Affection asked. Raven frowned but nodded.
"Yes. His misery was... infectious." Raven said, quietly, her usual monotone and neutral expression resurfacing.
"But your misery wasn't coming from him, Raven," Affection said. "You felt sadness because your friend was sad, he didn't transmit it to you. Yes, your empathy can blur the lines a little but your feelings are yours. If they're influenced by the feelings of others... well, think of it like this: if one of your friends told you how much they like you or bought you a gift or hugged you or something like that, you might feel closer to them. You might feel a burst of affection for them, yes?"
"I'm not especially fond of hugging people, despite our display earlier," Raven responded. Affection blew out a frustrated sigh.
"Hypothetically, Raven! For you, it's different. In some cases you can read the sentiment without needing the gesture, which might be one of the reasons you don't feel too comfortable with them: a lot of the time they seem surplus to requirements..." Raven looked a little annoyed.
"I think your getting a little off-track, Affection. Forget trying to analyse me and just say what you want to say." Raven said. Affection giggled nervously.
"I'm just saying: your feelings can be influenced by the feelings of others but no more than they would by a gesture like a hug or a kind word. Somewhere, deep inside, a part of you wanted to kiss Beast Boy. This part of you!" Affection said, indicating herself. Raven sighed.
"... I know. I wanted to show Beast Boy that what he did meant something to me. But when you push me out of balance, things can go too far. Think about it: the kiss on the cheek wasn't much... but when it comes from me? The girl who can count how many hugs she's ever given using her fingers? On one hand? Then it takes on a different meaning, especially to G... Beast Boy who, as it turns out, is in love with me!" Raven's voice had grown louder and louder, causing Affection to shrink into her violet cloak. Raven saw this and brought her frustration under control. "I'm sorry, Affection... but you must understand how delicate the situation is. Please... for Beast Boy's sake... don't influence me like that again." Raven was rarely so delicate with her emotions and this drove the point home with Affection.
"...Alright," the emotion said, eventually. Raven showed a tiny smile and summoned Happy, who appeared in a flash of pink, looking confused. The jubilant emotion reluctantly surrendered Raven's letter and she and Affection watched as Raven vanished, returning to the real world. Happy glanced at Affection.
"Soooooo... what did you and Rae-Rae talk about, Affie?" she asked. Affection smiled back... a smile that caused even Happy's jaw to go slack, it was so pure. Before there were any more questions, Affection disappeared back into her own realm and Happy quickly forgot the conversation in favour of pretending she was an airplane. In the real world, Raven appeared in her room, thirsty for tea and looking forward to reading more of her fanmail. As she walked the corridor, she heard voices floating down from the common room, those of Cyborg and Beast Boy. Though she would never fully understand why, Raven decided she wanted to hear how they spoke without her presence: a difficult thing to do with Cyborg's sensors and Beast Boy's senses. Still. Raven wrapped herself in a sliver of her soul-self, rendering her one with the shadows. The shadow-Raven slipped into the common room and rested in a dark corner, momentarily disappointed as the two boys were merely playing video games... Then Cyborg spoke.
"So..." he began. "You and Raven, huh?" Beast Boy still watched the screen but Raven caught the tiny flinch in his movements.
"No, not 'me and Raven'... just me. Not like I expected anything different but... a guy can dream if he doesn't know, right?" Cyborg nodded, still tapping his controller.
"When did it even start? Last I knew, you were still hung up on Terra," he said. Raven felt twin flashes of pity and sorrow for the misguided geomancer - from Beast Boy and herself. Beast Boy sighed and paused the game, though he remained quiet for several moments.
"Okay, man... I guess I need to get this off my chest." Cyborg, initially irritated at the lull in entertainment, put the controller down and turned to face his suddenly serious friend.
"Let's have it, BB," he said. There was no visible reaction... then Beast Boy finally started to speak.
"When we first met... and fought and stuff... I'll be honest, I kinda thought Raven was scary." Raven's heart fell a little. "Until I saw underneath her cloak. Then... I mighta sorta thought she was... hot." Beast Boy finished, quietly. Cyborg snickered a little at his friend's embarrassment, juxtaposed in his mind with the hypnotised version that had kissed Raven without fear. Raven herself would have blushed, had she not become one with the shadows.
"You've been crushing on her since then?!" Cyborg bellowed. Beast Boy shook his head.
"No! No, dude! I just thought she was real pretty... so I did what any dumb kid does when he thinks a girl is pretty: bugged her non-stop!" At this, both boys chuckled and even Raven wore an invisible smile. "Then I thought she didn't like me, so I pretended I didn't care and got even more annoying... then there was the mirror. And she did like me. Even then, I wasn't crushing, she was just my friend who was also really pretty... who I sometimes stared at during training." Raven pseudo-blushed again. Beast Boy was now lost in thought and Cyborg had lost patience.
"B! Come on, man! It was just getting good!" he laughed. Beast Boy grinned.
"That was when Terra came and, yeah... then I was totally crushing. She was pretty, fun and laughed at my jokes... but she ran before anything could happen. I was kinda pining or something, so I didn't really look at girls for a while, y'know? There were plenty of other distractions: we all got hunted by Raven's fear, we fought Killer Moth and I found Silkie. Then she was back and I was... gone, dude. Just gone. Raven knew something was wrong... I could tell. But I ignored her because it got in the way of what I wanted... stupid. You know what happened next, with the date and the fair and Slade... that sucked. Looking back, there must have been something real - she went out with me that night so we would have time. I'm sure of it. That's why she made me promise to be her friend... and I broke it. It seemed fair at the time but sometimes... I wonder if it might have made a difference." Beast Boy was silent again, but Cyborg wisely left him alone, rising to get a soda.
"You want a soda, B?" he asked. The green teen nodded gratefully, catching the canned beverage as it sailed through the air toward him. His frown returned as he opened it and took a swig, glancing at Cyborg as he returned to his seat.
"After that, I was pretty broken up. I was... umm...I was sleeping in her room. With that stupid box I made for her... I just curled up as a dog and couldn't bring myself to leave..." his voice grew quieter as he revealed his secret. Cyborg was quiet and careful.
"B... I didn't know..." he muttered. Beast Boy shook his head.
"Of course not. How could you?" he said before falling quiet again for a few long moments. "Raven found me... by accident, I think. I think she wanted to process things there too, though she never told me. Anyway... she just sat with me. She didn't say a word, she just waited until I was myself again, sitting next to her. I spilled everything, the date, the fair, the promise... everything. I asked her if could have been a better friend and then she just got angry at me. She told me that I was a good friend... but that Terra wasn't or she wouldn't have made me promise, knowing what would happen. That was... hard to hear but it helped. Let me admit that Terra wasn't the perfect person I saw her as... but I also knew I would save her if I could. Raven stayed with me, meditating over the bed until I stood and walked out. She left with me and made sure I went back to my own room... You know what happened after that. We gave her a chance and she threw it in our faces. She realised, at the end, that she was wrong. Wrong to throw in with Slade. And she saved us from him... and she was gone. Raven found me again, days later when I visited her statue... no words again, she just stayed with me. I don't think she'll ever know how grateful I am for that..." Raven pseudo-blushed again. She knew now.
"So that was when you got stuck on Raven?" Cyborg asked. Beast Boy shook his head, chuckling at Cyborg's dramatic sigh.
"It took a few more pushes... the first was the thing with Malchior. After she helped me with Terra, I thought I sorta... owed her, y'know? So I worried, maybe more than I would have before. I tried a little too hard to get her to play with us though, said some stuff I shouldn't. After everything... she was in pieces. We all saw it, even if she wouldn't let us get close. I spoke to her later, on my own... " Beast Boy eyed his friend carefully, not sure if that conversation was his secret to tell. "Anyway, we talked... and I just opened up. No jokes, no playing, I just said what I felt. And it worked... and then someone ruined the moment!" he said, pretending (mostly) to be bitter. Cyborg was unrepentant.
"Whatever, man. You can't tell me - especially now! - that you didn't enjoy playing stankball with Rae and me..." he said, smirking at the changeling, who blushed lightly before shrugging his shoulders.
"Fine. Anyway... next there was the Beast... you know how that played out, too. What you might not know is that, once again, Raven found me when I needed her the most. I was sat out on the rocks, throwing stones and freaking out. She wouldn't even let me apologise, saying it wasn't my fault. She said the Beast saved her... and that knowing how to use it made me a man, not an animal. Of course, I nearly ruined the moment," Beast Boy laughed. "But she stopped me and just... stayed with me. Again. That... is when it started. We were just staring at the sea, occasionally skipping some stones... and I looked at her. I was gonna say something, I can't remember what... and the wind caught her hair. She brushed it back with her hand... the Moon was shining that night and... the light just... I couldn't look away. I just stared. I still don't know how she didn't catch me. We went in soon after that... I couldn't sleep. That picture of her was stuck in my head... she's so beautiful, Cy... it sometimes hurts to look at her..." Not noticing the quiet gasp from the dark corner, he fell quiet again. Long enough for Cyborg to prod him into activity.
"So... that was it, huh?" he asked. Beast Boy shook his head again, less jovially this time.
"Not quite... After Trigon came. I mean... we knew what could happen, Rae had told us all about him. We all said we'd save her - protect her - and we meant it. But we all thought about it... that Raven could..." he swallowed, thickly. "...die. And then she did... we watched her just... vanish and become that damn portal. I'm honestly not sure how I kept it together for that fight. Probably the power Raven left us... made it feel like she was still there, staying with me once more time. I let the Beast out, too. I just... I just wanted to make that bastard hurt. Even if we couldn't win, I wanted him to suffer, even a little... for her. And I wanted it to be my fault. Then Robin brought her back and... somehow everything wasn't hopeless anymore. We could still save her... then she ended up saving us. After that, when everything was okay, I sorta freaked. Then she told me I wasn't funny and I knew it was her and... well, you saw." Beast Boy suddenly became shy, like he had just realised he had blurted out his innermost thoughts. Cyborg chuckled... he had seen. Beast Boy had glomped Raven and, despite her complaint, she had made no move to dislodge him. Thinking back, he realised now that Beast Boy had remained as close to the demoness as possible without seeming suspicious. Not that the others would have even noticed at the time, they were overjoyed to have her back as well.
"So that was it... not many people need that much drama to realise they like a girl, BB," he joked, extracting a laugh from his green friend.
"Yeah, I guess. It didn't end there though... you know I told you about Terra? At the school? With amnesia?" Cyborg nodded. "Well, I moped around for a bit afterward... and Raven found me. Again! I told her what Terra had said: 'things change'... and Raven agreed with her. She even told me off a little, said that I should leave her to her new life if it made her happy... that I shouldn't drag her back into her old life, one that she couldn't even bear to remember. And she was right. I wasn't feeling that way about Terra anyway I just... wanted to save her, I guess. Raven let me see that she didn't need it... and then, even though by now I knew I felt something... it hit me. I loved her. This girl that seemed to always be there when I needed her... I loved her more right then, just for realising it. Then... I think my heart broke in the same moment because I knew, with the same conviction, that she didn't love me back. Not in the same way at least. So I kept it a secret. Somehow, that translated into me unconsciously hiding it from Raven, I guess. I mean, she obviously didn't know, right?" Cyborg nodded.
"Yeah... that kinda sucks, B." Cyborg summarised, dismayed by his friend's unrequited love and the anguish it brought him. Beast Boy chuckled dryly.
"Yeah... but I can't think of anyone who deserves a little adulation more than Raven... okay, enough o' this misery trip: back to the game!" Cyborg recognised the obvious change of subject but allowed it, jumping back into the game with glee. Shadow-Raven slid from her dark corner and back to the corridor, shedding the darkness and returning to her normal self. Her face betrayed no emotion whatsoever but her eyes showed the emotional turmoil within. She turned to face the door...
"Beast Boy," she whispered to the darkness. "I've broken his heart - twice - without even knowing it... and he loves me still. You're wrong, Beast Boy... I don't deserve you... but I'm glad you believe that I do." Raven elected to finish reading her mail the next day and returned to her room to meditate and soothe her fluttering emotions. Some of her own memories surfaced against her will... the way Beast Boy's eyes had sparkled when, after fighting in her mind, she joined them for breakfast. The sense of relief and wonderment when the green Beast had torn into Adonis to rescue her, just before she slipped into unconsciousness. Her feigned indifference when she got caught up in Beast Boy and Cyborg's celebratory 'breakfast explosion', though the illusion had been broken when they dragged her from the room: she had laughed then as she had rarely laughed before... the simple joy had overwhelmed her. She remembered his lucky penny. And his insistence that she was not alone.
And she remembered the warmth of his lips on hers.
Raven blushed but didn't cease her meditations. Nor did she suppress her tiny but genuine smile.
There it is. I had real trouble with this one and I'm not sure I did it justice. Let me know what you think, eh? As for the laughing during the breakfast explosion... totally true! When they drag her away, if you pause or slow it down, Raven is laughing her head off! Crazy. Hopefully, the next chapter will not prove quite so difficult. Laters!
-Jack