This chapter broke my heart re living it , as the funeral we such a blurry to me , I actually got my family and friends to help me , the speeches are the actual speeches from the day , about my amazing fiancée Chris and beautiful daughter Stella, so it hit me hard as reading them as I don't really remember them from the day , if the first 3 chapters for this didn't hit you emotionally in one way or another , the last one I think will and it will be up by the end of this week I really hoping , its been the hardest to write and I still havn't come to terms with it myself yet almost a full year later. And for those who ask me , yes this all happen from the 23 of October 2012 to the 31 of October 2013 so yes all within a week I lost my world. Hope you enjoy and I love getting your review and sweet comments, they really do mean so much to me , and always thanks to Bailey for proof reading as it was hard to write it myself .

Enjoy

Over the next few days I didn't notice the difference between day and night, it all blended into one. I don't remember sleeping. I was forced to eat but eating didn't feel right anymore.

Friends and family from around the world were contacting me through every way possible, sending their love and support. I was thankful, but at the end of the day it didn't mean much because it wouldn't and couldn't bring Sam and Stella back.

It was the day of the funeral before I realized life kept going even though my world was lost nothing stopped. As Gail and Traci got me up, showered, and dressed for the day, I could only thank them all for everything, all the planning and support but saying "thank you" just didn't feel right. It just didn't seem like enough anymore.

I walked out into the living room to see a room full of bold bright colour clothes everyone was wearing. Not one of them was in black. I felt like I was at child's party, not going to the funeral. Without even asking, Nick hugged me and said, "Its because Stella hated black." I choked back a laugh and the tears started to rise. I. said, "Well she hated a lot of things, but the colour black was always up in the top 5." Frank added, "Andy we're not going to lay just a fellow copper, he was our friend first so that's why we aren't wearing our blues, but our badges, we all have today. Here's Sam's." As he held out a box too small to hold a badge, I took it and opened it with a gasp. It was a necklace with both mine and Sam's badge numbers on the platform the shape of a shield. Noelle said it was her idea she got one made for Traci when jerry passed away too.

I put it on as we all walked out the door, as I looked up the police cars were lined up ready to drive us to the church. I couldn't do it. I didn't even want today to happen; that meant it was going to be real. I was still waiting for Sam to jump out and say, "Surprise it was all a joke!"

Oliver was the only one who saw my face drop. He knew a breakdown was coming, and knowing the church was only a few streets away, he wrapped his arm around my waist and said, "McNally let's go for a walk."

Oliver was like Sam, in the way that he knew what was going on in my head before I said or did anything.

Rookie was kicking up a storm. He didn't know how to settle down. As a mom, I think he knew what was going on, but it upset me that he would never meet his dad, big sister, or brother.

As we walked the block that the church was on, he stopped kicking. As I saw the coffins being rolled into the church, down I went. It was just all to much for me. Stella's coffin was so tiny. My little girl would never get her first kiss, or get married and have her own kids.

All I really remember was saying, "Why why why..." As Oliver picked me up and carried me into the church, he whispered in my ear and said, "Andy we will never understand why, but god took them for a reason and he knew your were strong enough to cope with your crazy soon to be baby."

All I could think was "Seriously Oliver?! Is that the best answer you've got?" But I thanked him and before I knew it, Traci was on one side of me holding my hand and Nick is on the other as the service is starting.

I really don't remember much of it. Oliver and Frank spoke about Sam's time as a rookie, him in training, the many times he had freaked out at work when he found out I was pregnant with Stella, the change in him when I actually had her, the stress over losing our son Ben only a few months before, and the worry he had that I was going to say no when he finally asked me to marry him.

"The day Andy told Sam he was going to be a father again, he came into the station like he was on cloud 9. If you were smart and could do the math to work out the date she got pregnant on, well it was around his 30th birthday. I remember Sammy saying, "If I die tomorrow, I'll know how lucky I am. My soon to be wife is the most amazing woman and mother in the entire world." Ollie said, and only for Frank to add, "About 3 weeks ago I'm sure everyone in 15 divison can remember Swarek running into the station screaming after lunch." I was up in my office and I actually thought he'd been shot, only to hear from him that McNally was having a boy, "Nothing was going to bring him down. He asked for 3 days off. He was going to make his SON his own nursery."

Oliver added in, "It was only a week later that McNally and Sam asked me if they could name their son after me. Sam said, and I quote, 'Oliver, my brother, it would be an honor if we could name our son after you. I mean you've been there since day one. You've always been team McSwarek, and in saying that will you be his God Father?' I couldn't really say no then because if you know Sammy, he's a man of few words."

As they finished up, there were a few more laughs and tears around the church. Gail and Traci got up to talk about my baby girl, Stella. They were her God Mothers, along with Jerry and Chris, her God Fathers.

Traci started with, "If you knew this little girl like us, you knew that she only hated 5 things: the colour black, jeans, long car rides, not being able to spend time with her daddy every day, and sleep. She was a daddy's girl from day one. She had Sam wrapped around her little finger; anything she wanted, Sam would give it to her. She hated being away from him for longer than she really needed to be, and I'm sure if she could come to work with him ,we all know she would. She loved the energy of the station and all the people, and new faces and noises. We were sure she would become a copper when she was older. She was a little girl who never, and I do say never, stopped asking questions, just like her mommy. She always asked "Why? and How?" She wanted to know everything she could. Most parents would say its what their kids did too. I remember Leo was the same way, but it was like Stella really and truly needed to know like it was a life or death question."

As Traci passed the mic over to Gail, she started with, "How are you?" It was the question that no matter how many times Miss Stella would see you each day, she would ask, like it affected her life to hear you weren't okay.

Nick made this mistake just after Andy lost Ben in May. Stella came into the living room after breakfast and we were sitting there drinking coffee on our day off, and she said, "Uncle Nick, How are you?" "I'm ok. I'm getting there." BAM! Wrong answer! We all looked at him because we knew what was going to come next. "Uncle Nick, why're you 'getting there?'" I'm sure at 22 months old she didn't really understand what Nick meant anyway, but she sat with him for more than 2 hours asking how she could help him get there. She didn't understand what he was dealing with; Andy miscarrying Ben. That wouldn't be the last time she did that, but we all remembered to keep our mouths shut and say we were great.

Now what Traci was saying before Gail continued, "Stella was a Daddy's girl. That was until Andy got pregnant with Ollie. Stella wouldn't leave Andy's side because in Stella's words Andy "grew more" and Stella missed it. She was so happy she was getting a baby brother because she was too young to understand the last time."

As the speeches wrapped up, the photos and songs started playing. I was breathing slowly, and it was like I could feel Sam holding me and like I could hear Stella's laughing. It was hope that it would all be ok in the end.

Little did I know that in just a few days it wasn't going to be….