Author's Note: Hi! Thanks so much for the great reviews, and for the requests for more of this story. This chapter is shorter and I only proofed it once, as I have been really busy at work, getting ready for filming part of a documentary and preparing for National Suicide Loss Survivor's Day. I promise there will be more by the end of the weekend, I'm working on the next chapter now. This one goes along with "Nobody Knows" by Cassandra and Viktor from this season of The Voice. As always, I recommend listening before/while you're reading. Reviews are excellent motivation!
As soon as Olivia got home from work, she was greeted by the biggest hug from Noah. As soon as the nanny was gone, Noah began telling her all about his day while she changed out of her uniform and slipped into some jeans.
"I went to the park with Sarah. We saw a cute puppy," he told her, pointing to a picture in his animal book. "She looked like this one! Her name was Daisy and I got to pet her, but I asked first," he explained.
"Good job, little man" Olivia praised him, "you remembered what Mommy said about always asking first!" She took his hand and brought him into the kitchen with her. "Do you want to help me make dinner?"
"Yes! I can help!" he said, really just excited to stir things. Olivia started a pot of water for the pasta, and chopped some tomatoes for the sauce while Noah sat on the floor in front of the fridge rearranging the magnet letters. When the doorbell rang at 5:45pm, she laughed at Abbie's promptness. Some things never change. She turned down the burner under the sauce and scooped Noah up, resting him on her hip as she made her way to the front door.
"I'm here," he shouted through the door.
"No, it's 'who's here?'" she whispered, laughing at his silliness.
"Who's here?" he called.
"It's Abbie," a muffled voice responded.
"Do you think we should let her in?" Olivia asked Noah.
"Okay," he agreed, as Olivia unlocked the door and opened it to let her friend in.
"Hey Abs," she said, holding the door open for her, this is Noah, Noah, this is Abbie."
"Hi," he said. 'I'm Noah. I'm almost three," he stated.
"Almost three? Well, we have something in common," Abbie joked, "I'm almost thirty-three." Olivia put Noah down while he giggled at Abbie's joke. He ran into the living room to play with some of his toys, leaving the two women to themselves.
"Thanks for coming," Olivia said, leading Abbie into the kitchen. "Dinner is almost ready, I should have known you'd be early!"
"Old habits die hard," Abbie mused. She washed her hands and started making the salad while Olivia seasoned the sauce and strained the pasta. "We still make a pretty good team," Abbie noted.
"You just wanted to help so we could eat sooner," Olivia added.
"You caught me, guilty as charged," she confessed. Abbie carried the food over to the table while Olivia brought Noah in from the living room. Olivia buckled him in to his booster seat and sat down next to him. Abbie sat across from them, and as soon as Noah said grace, they ate. The two women made small talk, cautious of what they spoke about in front of the little ears in the room. When they'd finished dinner, Abbie helped clear the table and load the dishwasher.
"You're supposed to be my guest," Olivia said, "you don't have to help me clean! Go relax while I give Noah his bath, I'll just be a few minutes." Abbie followed the orders and made herself comfortable on the couch, flipping through a magazine that she found on the coffee table. From the living room, she could hear Noah and Olivia giggling from the bathroom. A few minutes later, Olivia quietly shut his bedroom door and walked gently back to the couch.
"He usually doesn't fall asleep right after his bath, but Sarah took him to the park today and really tired him out," she explained.
"He's adorable, Liv, I'm really happy for you," Abbie told her.
"Thanks. He's my world," she said, as a sad look came over her face. When she'd imagined her world before, it wasn't just the two of them. But things changed, and she was making the best of being single mother and promised herself that Noah would always have the best life possible.
"How are you really doing? And don't lie to me, I know you too well for that" Abbie asked.
"It depends on the day," Olivia started. "Some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up crying, go to sleep crying, and cry at the mention of her name. Some days I'm so angry at her that I can't cry at all. Some days I'm so mad that I don't even miss her, until it's time to go to sleep and she isn't there to wrap my arms around. Noah asks about her less and less, but when he does, it's like a knife going right through my heart. How can I explain to him that she left? I used to have dreams that she came back to us, and then I'd wake up to the nightmare that it was just a dream. Those days are the worst. Then this morning, there she was, standing in my office, and I was so happy to see her, yet so angry at the same time. I sort of snapped at her."
"Start at the beginning? Fill me in a little," Abbie suggested.
"From the very beginning?" Olivia asked, unsure she wanted to relive those memories.
"Yup, the very beginning." Abbie waited as Olivia took a deep breath and leaned back onto the couch.
"Okay, do you remember when Bill passed? It was almost a year and a half ago now, Alex got he call saying he'd passed and she was a mess. He was her favorite uncle. She left her office and just started walking. She walked all the way from 1PP to my apartment. I still have no idea why she came here instead of going to see her family, or going home. I was home relaxing after work and she showed up at my door, hysterical. She was soaked and cold, as it was still winter and it had been raining pretty hard. Once I got her to take a hot bath to warm up, she sat on my couch drinking tea and crying on my shoulder. She fell asleep on me, so I let her stay like that until she woke up a few hours later. I insisted that she sleep in my bed, that I'd take the couch. After she got comfortable in my bed, I made sure she was okay and I went to leave the room to try to get some sleep on the couch, but she asked me to stay with her. She wanted me to hold her. So, I did. And it sort of became a pattern. That entire week, she couldn't go back to her apartment. It was Bill's old loft, and she didn't want to be there alone, so she stayed with me while she found a new place and had movers pack her stuff. Every night, she'd curl up next to me in bed and we'd talk for hours. I'd rub her back, or play with her hair, and I don't know Abbie, it just…it felt so right. But I knew she wasn't interested, that we were just best friends and she was just going through a hard time. A few days after the funeral, she was finally feeling a little better, and she asked me to dinner to thank me for all of my help. She picked the most romantic restaurant, but I just thought it was because of her fine taste. Then we walked through the city to the ice rink, where she insisted we skate. It was the first time I'd seen her smile since Bill had passed, so I agreed. She wasn't really stable on her skates at first, so I held her hand to keep her from falling. And then she kind of tricked me; she handed a woman her phone and asked her to take a photo of us, and after we posed, she turned and kissed me. And that was it. I knew I never wanted to stop kissing her. I wanted her to be the only woman I'd ever kiss again. We went home that night and she sort of had a lot of explaining to do. Basically losing someone close to her made her realize that life was too short to continue to hide who she really was. Until then, only Liz Donnelly knew that Alex liked women. And no one knew that Alex liked one woman in particular. Me. That night was…well we'll just say it was amazing. That's basically how it all happened. Alex got a new apartment, though she was here more nights than not. I started visiting Noah at the Children's Center and Alex would come with me, or we'd take him on day trips together. Just after we'd been together a year, his placement with me was granted. We'd expected it to take months, not weeks. She wasn't ready. So she left, said she didn't want to make me choose between the two of them. She doesn't want kids, at least not right now. And that's how it ended, as quickly and unexpected as it started." Olivia looked at Abbie, who was momentarily speechless.
"Olivia," she finally spoke, "if you cut out all the bullshit and forget everything that happened for a moment, do you still love her?" Olivia took another deep breath before answering.
"I'll always love her, Abs. Always."
"Then I think you need to talk to her," she suggested.
"There's not much left to talk about. Noah's adoption is official. She doesn't want kids. It's pretty black and white," Olivia insisted.
"Love is never black and white, Olivia." Abbie stood up and sat back down on the edge of the coffee table in front of Olivia, demanding her undivided attention. "Listen to me. Before you two got together, you and Alex were best friends. I know you're hurt, and I understand that. But Alex is hurt too, and I think you're both letting your own hurt cloud your judgements. You cannot avoid each other forever. Talk to her. Listen to what she has to say, too. There is no reason that you cannot be friends, even if that's all you'll be. Whether you want to admit it or not, you both still need each other as friends. Think about it, at least. And if you want to talk about it, I'll be in the city for another few days. Just promise me you'll think about it?" Olivia nodded, knowing that Abbie was right but not willing to admit it yet.
"I promise," she agreed.
"Good. I have to run, I have a date," she said, pulling her jacket on.
"A date?" Olivia questioned.
"With Casey Novak," she bragged. "Not that kind of date, just dinner with an old friend."
"Have fun," Olivia said, standing to give her a hug. "Thanks for listening."
"Anytime, you know that." Abbie showed herself out, and Olivia sat back down on the couch and thought about what Amanda, Fin, and Abbie had told her. They were right. The silence between her and Alex had gone on long enough. Olivia pulled her phone from her pocket and opened a new text message, a figurative white flag.
A- Noah's birthday party is Wednesday night, 5pm, my place. Please come by so you can have some cake and watch him open your gift? It would mean a lot to him for you to be there. Let me know. -O
Olivia sighed a breath of relief, and hoped that Alex would accept her offer. She turned the TV on, hoping to distract herself while waiting for a response that may or may not even come. She flipped through channels before deciding on The Voice. A few minutes in, she was having trouble focusing until her two favorite artists, Cassandra and Viktor, took the stage and began to sing.
"I pretend that I'm glad you went away,
these four walls close in more every day,
And I'm dyin' inside,
And nobody knows it but me…
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad,
I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me…
Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the dusty roads,
I'm gonna find you wherever you go,
And I'm gonna unload my heart,
and hope you come back to me."
How fitting. Olivia wiped a tear from her eye and got up. She pulled a photo album off the bookshelf and brought it back to the couch with her. Curled up in a blanket, Olivia paused for a second, unsure she wanted to look through it. She'd picked it up a few dozen times since Alex had left, but always decided it would be too painful to open, and would return it to it's space on the shelf. She hesitantly flipped the book open to the first page, and tried to contain her emotions when she saw the first picture.
"Olivia!" Alex shrieked as she grabbed the brunette's arm and balanced herself. It had been her idea to go ice skating in Times Square, but she'd forgotten one small detail. She hadn't skated in years.
"Hold on," Olivia said, holding out her hand for the blonde. Alex laced her fingers through Olivia's and they skated hand in hand. After a few laps around, Alex was feeling more confident on her skates. She let go of Olivia's hand and skated over to the edge of the rink, pulling her phone out of her pocket and handing it to a woman who'd agreed to take a picture of them. "Smile!" Alex sang, holding on to Olivia's waist. Olivia looked down and noticed Alex smiling. She was glad to see her happy again. Alex could feel the brunette's eyes on her. When she looked up and saw Olivia still looking at her, she leaned up and kissed the brunette, while unbeknownst to her, the woman snapped another photo of their kiss.
"You two are really cute together," she said, handing the phone back to Alex, wondering if Olivia had heard the comment.
"Thanks," Alex replied, skating back to Olivia and wrapping her arms around the taller women. Olivia pulled Alex in close, and this time when their lips met, the kiss was different. It was passionate, lustful, and Olivia would have never ended it if there weren't whistles from other skaters as they passed by. They continued to skate and steal kisses for a bit longer before Alex suggested they head back. It wasn't until they were home and warming up by the fire that she went though the photos and saw the shot of them kissing, perfectly framed with the Rockefeller Christmas Tree and winter lights. Alex had printed out two copies, one for her desk at work, and one for the photo album she was making for the two of them. She'd been really happy to have their first kiss on camera.
Her phone buzzing on the table caused Olivia to jump a little. She put the photo album down on her lap and leaned over to check her phone. Her stomach dropped when she was that she had one new message. From Alex.
O- I'd love to be there. Thank you for inviting me. Before then, can we talk? -A.
Olivia smiled and sent a quick response.
A- Tomorrow morning, Joe's Diner? I'm working a double but I could swing breakfast before I have to head in. -O.
She got the butterflies when she thought about seeing Alex the next morning. She really did miss her. As quick as she was to respond, Alex was to answer.
O- Perfect. See you then. -A.
Olivia closed the album and put it back on the bookshelf. She turned the TV off, picked up her glass of water, and headed into the bedroom. If she was going to get up early to meet Alex, she needed to try to get some sleep.