Same Copy right as before. I don't own Avengers.
Anyhow, if anyone wants to beta this let me know. No matter how many times I proofed this, I always miss something. I have read through the first 19 chapters and have updated those to fix the horrible mistakes, which I hope makes this story more readable.
I would like to mention that I win and I have updated this chapter before IberisGalloway updated her story: The White Cliffs of Dover, which makes me feel special as I suck at updating and she is usually faster than me. Hint, Hint you should update. ;)
Lastly: Don't kill me! As you read this, just keep Captain America: Winter Soldier in your minds.
Chapter 22:
Her Father's Daughter
As Toni loved porches liking to lay out in the sun, they were required for everyplace she lived. Feeling the sun beat against her delicate skin and the wind gently blowing through her long dark wavy hair was the best feeling. She could lay out for hours (well with sun block and a nice cold drink). Sometimes she would sleep or read a magazine or book.
At the moment, she was sitting in a beach chair at her Malibu mansion reading an interesting article about herself. When she saw it on the racks at the store, she plucked it right up as she wondered what they were gossiping about her now. Some of the stories were quite funny and they could always lift her spirts if ever needed; however, even if she didn't, it was always a good laugh. Right now for example, she was very chirper and was reading it as she spotted a fascinating article in it. It was one of those 'how did they know that.'
Putting the magazine down, she reached for her cold beverage and took a slip. Her eye twitched as she tasted the lemonade, which seemed to be missing something. She took another slip and swirled it around in her mouth as to figure out what was missing. "Where's the alcohol?" she asked annoyed. She glared and whirled the glass, spilling some of the liquid on her. "J.A.R.V.I.S." she yelled, annoyed. She wanted alcohol, damn it. "Hello, J.A.R.V.I.S." She yelled again, when he didn't answer her. Why didn't that stupid AI answer her?
"Are you okay, Toni?"
Toni jumped as that voice didn't belong to J.A.R.V.I.S. Shifting her weight, she turned toward the French style glass doors leading into the house to see who it was, and to her shock, it was James Barnes. For a second, she wondered how the hell he was at her house, but that only lasted a second as her annoyance at the lack of alcohol was growing. "I want to know why there isn't any alcohol in my drink," she shouted, holding her glass toward Barnes. "Maybe, you could add some?" she asked, putting on a smile.
Barnes gave her a weird look, while adding, "Not in your condition."
"What do you mean my 'condition'?" she asked, confused as to what he was talking about. She didn't have a condition, well… besides the shrapnel in her body; however, that didn't affect her drinking ability.
"Toni," he mumbled in a laughing tone, as he turned and walked back into the house. "Sometimes…"
"What condition?" she asked, jumping to her feet to follow him. Was he playing with her?
Barnes was a good few feet in front of her and for some reason, she had trouble closing the distance between them. It was like her body didn't want to move and she tired too easily. What was wrong with her? Did something happen to her and she not know it? "Bucky!" she yelled, running into the house. "B-"
"She's being crazy today, Steve," Barnes stated as he stopped by the water feature in the living room.
Toni looked pass Barnes to Rogers, who had walked through the front door, and her eyes twitched as J.A.R.V.I.S. scanned him like it did everyone, who entered. "I see you're working now, J.A.R.V.I.S." she muttered.
"What's she doing now, Bucky?" Steve asked, giving her a look, as he disarmed himself.
"Trying to drink…though she could be missing with me," Barnes said, teasing. A bright smile was present on his face.
After sitting his shield down gently, Steve took a few steps toward her while giving her a narrowing look. "Toni, you know you can't drink in your condition," he stated.
"What condition?!" Ton snapped, tired of this game.
Both of them looked at her, as if they couldn't believe she was playing this game; however, it was Steve who spoke, "You're pregnant, Toni."
At first, Toni wasn't sure he was speaking English, because that didn't make any sense. But once it clicked in her head, she was in complete shock. That couldn't have been true. She couldn't be pregnant, not with all the precautions she took. "Am not," she protested. What the hell was going on?
"Look down, Crazy Lady," Barnes mocked as he pointed down, earning a glare from Steve.
Toni narrowed her eyes as she looked down at her huge, round belly in complete shock. She was indeed pregnant, and by the looks of it, she was seven or eight months. No wonder she couldn't keep up with Barnes as all she could do was waddle. How the hell did that happen? Who did she have to kill? She glanced back up, glaring at them. "Smartass," she muttered, looking between the two.
"The pot call the kettle black," Barnes teased, walking back to her.
"Yea right. You're more a delinquent then I am," Toni countered as she stuck her tongue out. She was being childish she knew, but it was not hard not to be when dealing with Barnes. "And if I have to have a parasite going inside of me, I expected to be waited on hand and foot. Now hop to it, Barniez Boy!"
Barnes gave her a look. "Hop? What do I look like a rabbit? I-"
"Enough," Steve ordered as he motioned to the sofa. He gave a warning look to Barnes before looking at Toni. "You shouldn't be up."
"I don't like to sit," Toni countered.
"We know this," Barnes said, sounding exhausted, as he crossed to her, offering to help her to sofa. There was a bit of hesitation when he offered his arm, but she let him help her without a protest. "We know this all too well. Right, Steve?" There was a hint of amusement when he spoke.
"Oh, I know," Steve agreed as he magically got her a glass of water from somewhere and crossed to the sofa.
Toni stared at the mysteriously glass before glaring at the two of them. "I don't like to be handed things." There was a brief second of wonder as to how she got here with these two and why they were doting on her.
"Toni," Steve said, a soft warning. He held the glass out to her. "Just take it."
She really hated to be handled things, but Steve wouldn't listen. She glared at the glass before grabbing it out of his hands. "Thanks," she muttered, annoyed. As their fingers touched, she felt her heart skip and her annoyance die.
Steve smiled as he took a seat next to her with a hand on her knee. "You worry me when you're like this," he said, his voice soft.
There was something about his voice that smoothed her, and she leaned in closer to him, laying against him. "Don't lie. I always worry you," she corrected. She loved the way he smelled.
Steve laughed. "Very true."
On the other side, Barnes leaned closer and placed his hand on Toni's knee and squeezed. His other arm rested behind her at the base of her neck, playing with her hair. "She needs to rest," he said, eyeing her. Her eyes were closed, feeling completely comfortable with the both of them.
"No, she needs to pick," Rogers said, pulling Toni closer to him.
"Pick what?" She asked, bolting up and out of Rogers' grip. She stared at the two of them, confused.
Leaning toward her, Barnes squeezed her knee. "Pick one of us."
Toni's heart raced as she looked between the two, not sure what was going on. "What?"
"Who do you want?" Steve asked, reaching her.
Her heart was racing and she wondered for a second of she was going to have a heart attack. "Want?" But the thought of choosing scared her.
"Yes, who do you want?" Bucky asked, as his hand travel to her extruding stomach.
It came at her all at once and she couldn't think without getting an extreme headache. There also seemed to be a raise in temperature, making Toni sweat. To make matters worse, she wasn't able to catch her breaths no matter how hard she tried. It felt like there was something or someone sitting on her chest, not allowing her to. With everything adding on, Toni's head felt like it was in a fog and she wasn't able to think clearly. However, there was one thing that she could make out: she was scared.
"You have to pick." Steve stated leaning down to look into her eyes.
"No," Toni said as she tried to push them away.
"You have to," Barnes replied.
"No," she snapped. Why were they pushing her? Why was it so important that she picked? Why couldn't she have both? Did she really want both? She wasn't sure. She really wasn't sure, but all she knew was that she wanted to get away, far away, as she didn't want to answer them. "Just shut up!"
*O*O*
With the wires and IVs connected to her, Toni bolted straight up covered in a cold sweat. Not paying attention to anything round her, she hunched forward and fisted the sheets like she was in physical pain. "It was just a dream," she whispered, breathing heavily. Her throat was killing her. "Just a dream." She had no idea why that dream hit her harder than her nightmares did. In her nightmares, she was fighting for her life, while in that dream she just had to pick. She wasn't sure why she had to. It wasn't as if she wanted either Steve or Bucky, because she didn't…
After pushing her sore self up, she pushed the covers off and lifted up her shirt to expose her belly. "Good," she uttered, seeing her flat stomach. With an aching dry throat, she spoke. "It felt so real." After she was sure that she wasn't pregnant, she lowered her shirt. Though she hadn't put much thought into it, she didn't want children; they scared the shit out of her. They were the scariest things on the planet, even above Loki. Heck, she had no idea of how to take care of the little beasts, and she would probably kill one if she had to care for a child.
Shaking that out of mind, she turned her attention to the small room. Where am I? She asked herself, looking around. She appeared to be in a hospital connected to many different tubes and wires, but she couldn't remember how she got there. The last thing she remembered was… Nothing. Shaking her head, Toni closed her eyes as she tried to remember, but it was all fuzzy.
Her hand went to her head, feeling a huge bandage on the lower back of her head. I must've hurt my head, she thought. That had to be why she couldn't remember! She opened her eyes and glanced down at her faded reactor which was exposed to the world to see. Why was her shirt open? What happened?
Toni eyed the IVs in her arm as she quickly buttoned up her shirt to cover the reactor, though it didn't block the glow. She had an urge to pull out all of the IVs, but she didn't want a lecture which she would get. There was some kind of fluids running through the clear tubing and it had to be important.
"Good choice, but you don't need to button up for me. I would prefer it unbuttoned."
Toni jumped at the voice, not realizing that anyone was in the room with her. Turning toward the voice, she felt herself groan at the sight of Loki sitting in a chair reading what she presumed was her medical chart. "What are you doing here, Loki?" she asked, laying back down in the bed as she unconsciously covered her chest with her arm. Her body was sore, and just sitting up took all of her energy.
"I came to see my favorite-"
"Cut the bull," Toni snapped, interrupting him. She glared at him before staring at the ceiling. "I am so not your favorite person."
Loki, still wearing the same ratty thing as before, stood and stepped to the bed. "I was going to say favorite toy." His fingers traced the edge of the bed.
She raised an eyebrow. "If I could hit you, I would." Toni could feel the exhaustion flow through her; it was like she hadn't slept for days, and then there was her stomach, which felt like she hadn't eaten in months. "What do you want? My throats hurts too much for this game you play."
"Feeding tube."
"What?" she asked, confused.
"Your throat hurts because they just took a feeding tube out. You have been out for a few days," Loki explained.
She gasped at him, genuinely shock. "…How would you know? Been watching me, pervert?" she asked.
"I like to make sure my favorite toy is alive and well since her rabbit is gone."
"What do you mean? What rabbit?" Toni pushed herself up and glared at him, but he didn't say anything. "What do you want?" she asked, her voice cracking. Her throat was dry, aching with every word that she was saying.
"I want to see if you will to take my deal. You know before the Red Skull gets you, though I doubt he understands how much trouble you will be," he stated, stepping even closer to her. His fingers inched closer to her.
With pain rushing through her mind, what that female commander had said came flooding back. Skully wanted her for something, which was alarming. Why would he want her? Did he know something? "No," she replied, still wondering what he meant by her rabbit was gone.
Loki inched closer to her. "You say that now."
"I will always say that," she countered, irritated. Her head ached as more memories flashed before her eyes, but she wouldn't let it get to her as she had to deal with Loki, who was up to something. How did he know that Skully was after her? Was he up to something, using Skully to do it? She glared at him as he entered her personal bubble. "Now what?" she asked, noticing his eyes on her.
"What was that dream of yours about, Lady Toni?" he asked.
Did he just call her Lady Toni? Not only was Thor the only person who was allowed to call her that, she hated to be called Lady anything. Sure, she was a woman, but she was not a lady in any fashion. She was too ill-behaved and loud. "Why do you care?" she asked. She was unsure of what her dream was about or what it meant. Why would she dream about being pregnant?
"Just say yes and I will tell you."
"G-go away," Toni hissed. She couldn't deal with him when she had an aching head. No, she couldn't deal with him at all.
"But I do-"
Loki didn't finish as the door to the room suddenly opened, silencing him. Toni glanced at the familiar looking nurse entering into the room before turning back to Loki, worried that the nurse saw him; however, she was alone in the room. She didn't know how he did it, but he was gone as if he was never there in the first place. Though he annoyed her to no end and was a massive murderer, she didn't want him to go as he was a connection to the future. Also, he was up to something and she wanted to figure out what.
"You're awake," the nurse said, clearly shocked.
Toni stared at the nurse trying to remember where she met her from, but she couldn't place it. "I don't need any more beauty sleep," she teased, her throat killing her. Eyeing a glass of water on the dresser, she reached for it, but her hand shook. Feeling embarrassed, she retracted it. What's wrong with me? Though her fear of water wasn't as bad, it still seemed to haunt her.
"Here." The nurse stated, trying to hand Toni the glass.
Toni had no idea of how the nurse got to her side so fast, and it startled her. "I don't like to be handed things." She wanted the water, but it went against her core to be handled something.
The Nurse gave her an aggravated look, still holding the glass out to her. "You have to take it easy. Now, take the glass." When Toni didn't, the nurse sighed as she put a moveable tray table in front of her and set the glass on it. "There. See? Not handing it to you," she said, exasperated look on her face.
Toni took the glass with shaky hands and took a drink. "Thanks," she muttered at taking a few slips. "What happened?" she asked, her voice barely audible.
"You shouldn't speak. We just took the feeding tube out," the nurse responded as she took the glass from Toni and made her lay back down.
There was something about the woman that Toni didn't like, but she couldn't figure it out. However, what she did know was that she didn't like be forced to do anything. "What happened?" she asked again.
"You went into cardiac arrest and flat-lined. You need to relax."
Cardiac arrest? Flat-lined? She died? "What?!" Toni didn't remember any of that.
"You were dead for a few seconds before the doctor brought you back. You need to rest," the nurse said, her tone cold. She held Toni's shoulder to keep her down, and Toni was too tired to fight.
Toni didn't remember that; she couldn't really remember anything. What was going on? "I need to see, Salty," she muttered, giving up the fight against the woman.
"Phillips? He said you would call him by that stupid nickname. I'll tell him you are up. Just relax," the nurse ordered, getting impatient with her.
Toni wanted to say something snappy, but she thought better of it. The nurse, who looked stupid in her uniform, was correct: she needed to rest. "Okay."
"Good," the nurse said as she turned to leave.
Though her angle made it difficult, Toni watched as the nurse left, and for a few seconds, Toni watched the door as if she expected someone to walk in. When no one did, she felt her heart flop, though she had no idea of why. It wasn't as if she liked the nurse or needed someone at her bed side… No, rather, she wanted someone at her bedside. A certain someone at her bedside. Grow a pair, Stark, she told herself. She was being childish and she hated it.
_*O*O*_
Toni didn't know when she fell asleep, but she did, and she had no idea for how long. She would've probably remained asleep if it wasn't for the death grip on her hand, and it really was death grip as she wondered if she could have a hand afterward. She could tell a lot by the grip and it touched her heart as the man seemed to care. Without opening her eyes, she tried to pull her hand back, but she couldn't break his grip. Instead of letting go, he squeezed tighter.
She heard her name escaped from his lips, but she didn't open her eyes right away. Instead, she focused on his voice, as it called to her like no other voice had. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but she wanted to hear his voice again, and she was rewarded a few seconds later as he said her name again.
"Toni."
Forcing her eyes open, she found herself staring at Rogers and she was completely shocked by his appearance. There had to be something wrong, very wrong. "Steve," she uttered, her voice cracking, as the hold on her hand didn't die.
"Toni." Seeing his face and hearing his voice, she knew something was extremely wrong. It was like he was crying, but not crying at the same time. "You're awake." He looked defeated.
She didn't like seeing him like that. "Steve," she called again as she tried to sit up, but he wouldn't let her.
"You need to rest," he said, using his free hand to keep her down. His voice was trembling.
"Don't give me that shit. What's wrong?" she asked pushing his hand off her shoulder, and using his arm as an anchor. Seeing the scared, depressed look on his face, she kept a grip on his arm and she squeezed.
Rogers didn't answer her right away as he stared at her like she was going to disappear any second. "You're awake. That's all that matters." He squeezed her hand harder. His other hand dropped to the upper part of her left arm and his thumb spiraled gently on her skin.
Toni felt her heart flip as she listened to his voice. There was something in his tone that sounded like he was broken, like he was in extreme pain. She wanted to reach out and hug him, but there was something in his eyes that stopped her. "Steve," she uttered as it was all she could say. Her own voice was breaking.
He leaned closer to her as he sat on the edge of his seat. "You're awake. I never thought I would see your beautiful eyes again." His hand left Toni's upper arm and traveled to her face where he cupped her face. "So glad." His thumb started to spiral again, gently rubbing her cheek.
It made Toni blush and that wasn't easy as she wasn't innocent. Even though his touches were innocent, there was something intimate about the way that he touched her. It was a loving touch. Would future Steve touch me like this? She asked herself as she leaned closer to him, into his touch. She didn't know what this meant, but she wanted something close to this.
"Toni… Please… Don't leave me."
That statement surprised her. Toni looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. "What happened?" she asked. If he was able to get drunk, she would've thought he was drunk.
"Don't leave me. Just don't leave me."
"I won't," she responded, fighting the urge to pull him closer. "I won't. I mean it." She had never seen him like this. Even before the serum, she didn't think he had this in him; she didn't think he was capable of breaking down like this. It broken her to hear him like this.
Steve shifted closer to Toni as his hand dropped to her neck, keeping her from moving back. "I need you."
With a pang of pain, a memory flashed before her eyes of Barnes kissing her, telling her that he wanted her. His tone then had been close to Steve's tone now, but there was something desperate in Steve's voice. "What are you saying?"
He closed the distance even more, moving within inches from her. It was kissing distance, but he didn't say or do anything besides looking into her eyes.
"Steve."
"I l-love hearing you say my name," he said, stumbling over the word love.
Toni looked at him, trying to figure him out. "If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to call you Rogers again. Now, tell me!" Though something was up, she was getting annoyed; she tried to move out of his grip, but he wouldn't let her go. Before another word was said, Steve closed the distance and kissed her, kissed her hard. Unlike with the kiss with Barnes, there wasn't much thought even with the shock of Steve kissing her. She couldn't reject him when he was like this, not that she wanted too. There was something about his kiss. It pulled her in.
After a long kiss, he pulled away, but he didn't move far; instead, he rested his forehead against hers. "Don't leave. I need you," he said after a few seconds. He kissed her again, and with this kiss, he wanted to explore.
As she allowed him to deepen the kiss, her mind wandered to Barnes and stayed on him. It wasn't by choice, but there was something in the back of her head that wouldn't allow her to forget him. Something was wrong. He told her after their kiss that he would come back for her. Where was he? Breathing heavily, she pulled away and glanced up at Steve, who looked –for lack of a better word- hungry. "Where's Bucky?"
She could see something snap in him as he recoiled. He didn't answer and just looked away.
"Steve," she asked, touching her own lips, which felt funny. Did he really just kiss her? They fought nonstop about everything. Though he wasn't as much as an asshole as he was in the future, he was still that man, who told her what to do. Clint would have a field day if he found out how much she enjoyed it. "Where's Barnes?"
He let go of her and turned away. "Gone."
"Gone?" she asked, pushing her sore body closer to him.
"He's dead."
Something in her head snapped as it felt like the world had crashed down on her. Barnes was dead? She knew he was going to die, but it was different to experience it. To know that he was dead was a blow to the heart that Toni didn't expect. She thought she had prepared herself for this, but she was wrong. "Steve," she said as she watched him hunched over like he was in pain.
"He's gone." He looked down at his hands, which were balled. "I couldn't protect him like I couldn't protect you…" He glanced at her before looking back at his hands. "I failed… again. I thought I lost you to."
Kicking off the blankets, she leaned forward, almost on her hands and knees. The wires and IV strained as she reached for him. "Don't go there."
He turned back for her, inches from her. "I'm a horrible friend," he said as he stared at her. His eyes were drilling into her. "It's my fault."
"Don't do this," she yelled. She didn't want him to do this to himself as he was anything but a horrible friend. She on the other hand was a different story. She was the terrible friend. "Don't… Don't go there. If you do, I will hurt you."
Steve frowned. "It's the truth. Looked at what just happened between us. It shouldn't have happened."
Toni knew to what he was referring to: the kiss, but she wasn't sure why. Did he not like her? It didn't matter right now, because she could see how broken he was. "Come here," she said, reaching toward him. "If anyone is a shitty friend, it's me. Not you." She thought back to the kiss with Barnes, and it almost killed her. How could she just kiss Rogers after she had kissed Barnes?
He looked at her, before leaning toward her and taking her into his arms. "You're anything but shitty."
She buried herself in his arms, in his dirty uniform that he hadn't changed out of, and wrapped her arms tightly around his chest. As he wrapped her his arms around her and held her, she nestled her head under his chin at his shoulder. Toni closed her eyes as she tried to hold back her tears. He didn't know the truth, which was why he could say that. He didn't know that she knew, that she could've saved Barnes if she just told them the truth… She knew she couldn't have, but it didn't help her guilt or her broken heart, which shocked her. "I'm completely shitty." Her throat still ached.
Steve's arms tightened around her. "No, you aren't," he said as he placed a kiss to the top of her head. "Not even close." He rested his head on hers.
"You-" she started, thinking about everything she had done. With Barnes' death, she had even more blood on her already stained hands. There was more death on her hands than anyone else's and that included the soldier holding her. She had done some things; she had been selfish.
"No, you aren't," he said firmly as he lifted his head to look at her, but she didn't meet his glance. "Look at me."
"No," she said.
Freeing one of his arms, he placed a finger under her chin and tilted her face up so he could look into her eyes. "You are so much more. So much more."
She glared at him. "I thought we were talking about you and the loss of your best friend. Not me." She closed her eyes as she hid her face in his chest. She didn't want to talk about herself, or how deeply she cared for Barnes. She didn't want to admit that she cared that much for him, when she had no idea of how he had gotten that close to her. "I'm sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry." Tears ran down her face.
He closed his eyes and held her even tighter, and he didn't move for quite some time. "Toni," he called, after a few minutes. "It's okay…" He paused. "Just don't leave."
He was breaking her and he didn't know it. She had promised not to leave him, even though she had to. She had to promise as she could see how broken he was and she didn't want to break him even more by say no. "Steve."
"I need you."
There was a part of her that wondered if this was because he was lost. Lost without Barnes, who had been everything for Steve. He was his best friend, his roommate, his brother. That loss must've hurt Rogers to his very core, and that had to be why he was acting like this. He was looking for something that Toni wasn't sure she could give as she was damaged as well. She may be damaged far worse than he, but he had been there through her nightmares. He was there when she needed someone, and she would try to be there for him, even if she was the worst person for it. "You have me. I…promise." Her voice almost broke.
*O*O*
Again, Toni didn't know when she had fallen asleep but she awoke to the sweet aroma of food. She forced her eyes open to find that delicious food as she was going to steal it. To her luck, it was on a food tray directly in front of her, and it was mouthwatering. She hadn't had a good meal in a while; heck, she couldn't even remember the last time she had a meal like that.
Being at war, they didn't have the fortune of four star meals, and at the apartment, they couldn't really afford anything like that. The plate in front of her had a nice sized steak, mashed potatoes, and some green beans, and she couldn't take her eyes off the steak, almost reaching to the fork just to taste it. "Is this a joke?" she asked.
Phillips was sitting in a chair by her bed side. "Dr. Zola didn't want it. I was tempted to eat it myself but I figured I would be nice and give it to you."
"You nice? I have seen everything now."
"Don't let it get to you head," he said as he moved the tray closer to her. "It won't happen again."
Toni pushed herself up so she could eat, which she munched down in record time. It tasted so good that she had a hard time slowing down, though she knew she should. It wasn't healthy to eat this fast, but she was hungry.
Eyeing her plate, he was amazed the food wasn't everywhere. "Did no one teach you manners?" Salty asked. His face changed suddenly as if he just remembered something from their earlier conversation. "I'm s-"
"Manners? Who needs manners?" she asked cutting him off, as she pushed the plate away. The plate had been licked cleaned, no really licked clean. Toni didn't normally lick plates but the look on Salty's face was priceless and she would do it again just to see it. He stared at her, rubbing his forehead in disbelief. "All gone."
"You're disgusting, you know that?" he said, looking at her as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.
"I try." Phillips shook his head, but he didn't say thing. "So where's Rogers?" She didn't remember much before passing out in his arms as she cried. It had been the first time that she had completely fell apart in front of him both in the future and past, though he had seen a few tears from her before. But it had been completely different now. She had broken down in his arms and she found it hard to believe that he would leave.
"I kicked him out."
Toni looked up startled for a second before glaring at Salty. "Why?"
"Do you really think it's wise?" he asked, looking at her all knowingly.
"What are you talking about?"
He took a breath before he stood. "You're too close."
"Too close to what?" Toni hated when people didn't get to the point and side stepped. Why couldn't he just say what he was thinking?
Salty looked very uncomfortable when he stepped back to her. "You need to distant yourself from Rogers."
That sentence irritated Toni. After that promise she had made, she couldn't leave him unless to go home as he was broken like her. Even without the promise, she didn't want to leave him. If he was anything like her, he was broken over the loss of Bucky.
With her, Bucky had been that friend, who made her laugh and supported her through everything. Even if she didn't want Barnes there, he was there at her side, and now he wasn't. In his place was some pain that Toni had never felt before. She had lost people, but this loss struck her hard and she didn't know how to deal. Coulson's death was different. She could handle that. "Why?" she asked, trying to hold back her anger.
Phillips took a deep breath. "I didn't think I need to say this, but it isn't fair to him. You don't belong here…" He paused. "He belongs with… Agent Carter."
That hurt like a bullet to the heart, but Salty was right. She didn't belong here; she needed to go back to her time. Maybe, she should listen to the Murderer. Stupid Loki, she thought, thinking back to him. He was an asshole who was up to something, and she was going to find out what. "You forget I'm from the future. I know."
"…You knew, didn't you?" he asked. His voice was soft.
Toni looked at him expecting some kind of anger, but there wasn't any. "Yes," she said, closing her eyes as she couldn't take looking at the Colonel. After a few seconds of silence, she added, "Going to yell at me? Calling me heartless? Can't be any worse than what I call myself. I'm a heartless bitch, I know."
"I don't know about the heartless part." He paused. "…Or the bitch part."
She opened her eyes and stared at him. There still wasn't any anger in his eyes, and she didn't know how to deal with that. Why wasn't he mad at her? "You don't understand. I could've stopped it. I could've stopped it all and Barnes could still be alive." She said. Her attention wandered to IVs in her hands and the urge to pull them out so she could bolt grew.
"You did what you had to do. Don't let your guilt overwhelm you."
Toni looked at him before she turned her attention back to the IV and suddenly torn one out.
Seeing this, Salty jumped and reached for Toni, trying to stop her. "Stop, Toni," he ordered.
She almost fell out of bed, dodging Salty's hand, but she kept pulling at the IVs as she had to get out of here. However, she wasn't fast enough for Phillips, who raced to the other side of the bed. "Leave me alone."
"Stark, Stop."
Blood dripped down her arm as she pulled the IV. The skin on her chest stung as she yanked the heart monitors off. The machine peeped a few times, but she was able to yank the plug out before it went off. "I need to go."
"No, you don't," he said, standing in front of her. He reached for her again, to pull her back into the bed, but she pushed his arms away. "Relax."
"Don't tell me how to feel or what to do. I'm done with this game." She didn't want to be here anymore. She wanted to go and disappear. This guilty was burying her and she had no idea of how to handle it. Then there was a feeling of shame, because she didn't have the right to feel anything as it was her fault.
"I can't let you do that." He grabbed her shoulder to stop her. "Rogers told me that Hydra wants you, and we can't risk them getting you."
She looked at him. "I don't care! Maybe, it would be best if they did," she yelled, pushing him away. She didn't care about anything, she didn't care about her stalker, and she didn't care if she was danger. She just needed to get away. "Let me go."
"You aren't thinking clearly."
Toni glared at him as she shoved him hard, and in his shock, she was able to dash by him. "I'm fine," she yelled as she ran out of the room. To her luck, she wasn't wearing a hospital grown, but she wasn't wearing any shoes. However, she wasn't going to let that stop her. She needed to get out of here, and Salty calling her name wasn't going to stop.
*O*O*
Her feet, even with her socks acting like a barrier, were killing her as there was nothing to protect her feet from the hard ground. To make matters worse, it was freezing outside, and with no coat or shoes, the cold was affecting her faster than normal. She was losing her body heat quickly. She was shivering, but she had no interest in going inside.
Her guilt and sadness over Bucky's death was getting to her more than she ever thought possible. How could she get over this when she could've stopped it? She knew he was going to die, and she let it happen… Then there was also the fact that she cared for Bucky, and now he was gone. She was never good at saying good-bye.
Toni was on a military base somewhere in the middle of some country, and she had no idea where, not that she really cared. All she wanted was to go home where she wouldn't be feeling this way. She had gone through her whole life without feeling like this, and she hated that she was feeling it now. It was more than just losing a friend. Losing Bucky was something more than just… just like whatever she had felt with Rogers. Each of those kisses were something more than a kiss, and she knew it, but she didn't want to know that.
Shaking her head, she turned toward the center of the base and stared at the brick buildings. Her mind was all over the place and it kept firing and wandering. It jumped from shame to utter sadness that almost took her over, and she didn't know how to handle that. Her mind also went to Loki and his plan as it was a way to distract her from the pain.
Looking around, Toni had no idea where to go on this maze of a base that had too many buildings. Heck, she couldn't even tell which building she came from, though it could be because night had fallen and it was hard to see. Without knowing where to go, she headed toward a light post as it was the first thing that grabbed her attention.
It was a mindless walk as all she could think about was Barnes' death. How he died? Did he die protecting someone? Did he feel anything? Was it a quick death? Did he suffer? Did he have regrets? Did anything pass through his mind as he knew his death was near? Though it was completely selfish, she wondered if he thought of her like she was thinking of him.
Out of mental exhaustion, she fell to her hands and knees, resting her head against her cold, shaky hands. As she knew that Barnes was going to die, she didn't think his death would destroy her like this. And how could she move pass this when she was the reason he was dead? She could've warned him. She could've done something.
Plus, how could she have comfort Steve when she was the reason why he was hurting? She felt sick to her stomach thinking about it, and she felt her stomach flop. Feeling ill, she jumped to her feet and ran toward the nearest tree. Within seconds, she puked the meal that she had eaten hours ago, and when she pulled away, she felt it come up again.
Wiping her mouth on her sleeve, she made her way toward the light, but the feeling in her stomach didn't go away. It stayed there, haunting her, almost to the point that she wanted to puke again. Shaking her head, she tried to force out the negative thoughts, because all those thoughts did was put her in a very dark place, a dark place she never wanted to go to again.
She glanced down at her cold, frozen feet before she glanced up at the light which was taunting her. It flicked, remaining dark a second later than it was light. "Maybe, I should've stayed in bed," she muttered. Her body was sore and her throat still ached. "Too weak to leave…" She glanced down at her shaky hands. "Too dangerous as well." There seemed to be a line of people after her.
Out of habit, Toni took a look around, looking for her stalker. It made sense that her stalker was working with Hydra, but something was still off. How could Hydra know anything about her? There could be a mole inside of Salty's operation, but that didn't make sense either. If there was, Hydra wouldn't need a mission to get her as they could get her while she was alone. That Commander was also shocked to see her there, and if there was a spy, they would've known that.
She took a deep breath as she arrived at the light and rested her head against the post. The poll was cold to the touch, almost freezing her fingers to it, but she didn't pull away. It wasn't as if she wasn't already freezing. Her thoughts were too negative for her to care about the cold.
"Steve."
"I just need to be left alone, Peggy."
That pulled Toni from her thoughts, as it almost brought her to the point of tears. She was the reason why he was in so much pain. Toni pushed off from the poll and turned toward the direction of Peggy and Steve, which the sight of made her feel sicker. Why was Peggy hanging all over Steve like that? Didn't she know that he didn't need that?
"Steve, it isn't your fault," Peggy said, her accent heavy. He turned to her and before he could respond, she reached up onto her tiptoes and kissed him. At first, it looked like he was going to push Peggy away, but instead, he pulled her in and kissed her back.
At first, Toni just watched in disbelief as this was what she had been trying to do; she wanted them together but after that kiss Rogers and her shared, it was a blow to the heart, a heart that was already broken. Was why he kissing her back like that? Did their kiss earlier mean nothing? It took Toni less than two seconds to remind herself that it didn't. He just kissed her because he was hurt and he just needed comfort like she did. Nothing else. Why did she care? She didn't want anything else with him as she didn't do relationships. I should've listened to Salty, she thought.
Turning away from the two love doves, she felt the wind get knocked out of her. She didn't know why she expected anything different, but heck, why did it even matter? It wasn't like there was a chance for the two of them. Did she forget about the future asshole Rogers, who wouldn't let her do anything? All she needed to do was to look the future and see it wouldn't work. Maybe, this was a good thing; she could spare herself the pain.
Toni closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath, but there were so many things in her head that she couldn't, and it was driving her closer and closer to a panic attack, which angered her. She hated those panic attacks of hers, which seemed to have gotten better… or so she thought.
After a few deep breaths, she was able to settle her mind and get her breath back, but when she looked up and saw Rogers and Carter together, she almost lost it again. There they were still locked in each other's arms, staring at each other with an intimate disgusting look that it made her want to throw something. Why in the hell were they kissing?
Before she could turn away, Rogers pulled away from Carter and turned, which to her bad luck, put her right in the sight of Rogers, who was looking at her with those eyes again. "T-Toni…" He stared at her, unsure what to say. He knew he had been caught. "Why are you out of bed?" he finally asked.
"And where are your shoes?" Carter asked, stepping toward her. She had a look of pity in her eyes that Toni didn't like.
Toni looked between the two, glaring. "I don't like shoes. Can't feel my toes," she replied, wiggling her cold toes. She glanced down at her filthy sockets, which were forming holes.
With a sigh, Peggy stepped toward. "Let's me get you back to bed," she said, reaching toward Toni. "You shouldn't be out of bed."
Toni was not in the mood to be babied, especially not from these two. Barnes had just died and they were making out. Weren't you making out with Rogers too? She shook her head. That was different. She wasn't sure how it was different, but it was different. "You two seem too busy making out. I can make it back on my own."
"Toni." Peggy called again. She seemed unfazed by Toni's taunts. "You aren't thinking clearly. You need to rest."
"You wouldn't understand, since you disliked Barnes," Toni snapped. "You should care about getting the bad guy. You know Schmidt! Not getting lucky. Stop using this situation for your own benefit!"
Sassy Pants stepped back as if she had been shot and just stared wide eye at Toni unsure of what to say.
"Toni," Rogers scorned. "That's was uncalled for."
There it was. That stupid voice that he always had whenever he gave her orders; it was the same voice that he had in the future, where she wanted to kill him. It was probably a blessing that he was interested in Sassy Pants and not her, because she didn't want to be responsible for killing Captain America, which she would do if they were together. "Uncalled? Everything I say is uncalled for! It's my middle name," she yelled. "Which is why I don't have or need friends."
"Toni," he uttered, shock was present on his face.
There it was again, his crushed face, and it crushed her. She had hurt him with that line and she felt like garbage. Why did she always have to hurt people? Why did she make a sport of it? She knew why. She was hurting and when she was hurting, she lashed out. It was what she did. It was what she would always do, because she was her father's daughter, and she hated that. "I better go before I say something I'll regret."
Peggy took a step back to her. "Toni. You need to be resting. You just got out of the hospital." There was a pause. "And you shouldn't be alone."
Toni narrowed her eyes knowing what she was talking about, but she didn't need anyone's protection. "Just leave me alone, Carter, and wherever you go, take Rogers with you." Both look taken back by the use of their last name, but Toni couldn't bring herself to care. However, Rogers' look cut her deep. She looked at him before she took off, ignoring her tired, cold body. She couldn't be here anymore.
*O*O*
Somehow, someway, Toni found her way to the lab, which was just pure dumb luck. It was a random choice that Toni made based on the windows, which were covered. With a sore body and feet, she rushed over to the building and pushed through the doorway. To her joy, she guessed right.
Lab equipment could always bring a smile to her face, and even if her damn device never worked, it could also put a smile on her face. There was something about technology that could brighten up her day, even when her emotions were all over the place. The ability to create something was something truly amazing and it was mind blowing to know that she had created something.
She only made it half way, before she sunk to her knees as her legs couldn't carry her anymore. She couldn't even feel her feet or fingertips anymore. Even with the warmth of the lab, she was still freezing and she couldn't stop the shivers no matter what she tried.
Shaking her head, she crawled to the table that her device set on and sat at the base of the table curled up in a ball. With tears forming, she closed her eyes, and without warning, sleep was on top of her. A dream was close behind, and all she could do was hope it was a good one.
The warm sand felt good under her bare feet and the wind trickled her delicate skin as the sun shone brightly above. There wasn't a cloud in the clear blue sky, signaling how prefect the day was. The sounds of crashing waves, playing children, and a loud valley ball game could be heard off in the distance.
Toni smiled, hearing the laugher. Though she would deny it, she enjoyed listening to the laugher as it was a signal that something went right in this messed up world. Running her hand through her curly, black, expresso hair, she turned her attention back to the ocean and the beating sun above. "Too hot," she smiled, the sun on her lips. Getting to her feet, she decided to jump into the ocean to cool down.
It was a long walk from her beach towel to the water, and the sand burned her feet with each step. The wind battered her delicate skin, which started to turn red from the hot sun. Her two piece red polka dots bathing suit didn't provide her any protection. She had put sunblock on, but that was a few hours ago, and it was probably sweated off by now.
Finally reaching the freezing ocean water, she jumped right in not waiting to adjust to the cold water. Besides, she needed to cool off fast as the heat was getting to her. However, the moment she jumped in, a wave caught her and took her legs out from underneath her. Within seconds, she was under water, bombarded by the waves, and she couldn't find the surface. No matter how hard she swam, she couldn't reach the top, which was odd as she didn't go in too deep.
For what seemed like the longest minute of her life, she was stuck under the water; her lungs strained for air, and her heart raced, trying to keep up the will to fight. For that minute, she thought she was going to die, but suddenly, the crashing ocean calmed and the water pulled back, leaving her to violently cough on the cold, wet sand.
"What the hell was that?" she asked, her throat sore. Her breathing was heavy.
"It's your fault."
Toni flinched at the cold, harsh voice. "What?" She asked, looking up. Her newly found breath was stolen from her at the sight of the man in front of her.
"It's your fault," Barnes stated, bitterly. He was covered in blood from head to toe, and his combat uniform was torn and burnt in multiple places. The left sleeve of his uniform was missing and his skin on his arm was scorched.
As she looked at him, the weather suddenly changed to dark, stormy, and cold, and the sounds of the beach could no longer be hear as the waves started to viciously crash behind her, drowning out all other sounds. "I don't understand," she said, almost crying, as she got to her knees, which sunk into the wet sand. The water behind her taunted her.
"You didn't choose. You were selfish," he snapped, his eyes burning into her. "You let me die."
Toni hugged herself, trying to get warm, but she didn't dare move closer to Barnes, who looked murderous. "Choose? I don't understand."
"Why didn't you choose me? Why didn't you save me?" He took a step toward her, limping. "Instead, you let me die!"
She had never heard him so angry and it scared her. "Bucky," she uttered.
"Don't call me that! You let me die!" He was almost growling at her. "You rather go to the beach than save me. You rather be with Rogers! Did I mean nothing to you?" He turned from her as the sight of her disgusted him.
Toni felt the tears start to flow down her face. "I had to."
"No, you didn't. You just had to choose me!" He paused. "Didn't you care?"
"I did-no… I do care. I cared so much it hurts, Barnes." Tears ran down her face. She couldn't understand why he was like this. She knew she deserved it, but she didn't want him to turn out like this.
"Liar."
"Bucky," she called again.
He violently turned back, anger rolled off him. "Look at me! I'm dead because of you!" he hissed. His face was bruised and bloody beyond belief.
"I'm sorry!"
He turned away from her again and started to walk away from her without saying a word.
"Bucky! I'm sorry. Oh, God, I'm sorry!" No matter what she said, he didn't turn back and he just kept walking. "No, please don't go! Don't leave!"
But he didn't stop. He kept going, and soon he disappeared into the darkness.
Breathing heavy, Toni bolted up, almost too quickly. "Bucky, don't go." Tears lined her face as they dripped, creating a small puddle below her. Before she could catch her breath, someone grabbed hold of her shoulder, making her jump. Her heart raced at the contact.
Before she could anything, her father spoke, "Toni, it's okay." He hushed her like a father would do with a soft voice, but she could see the hesitation in his eyes as he did so.
Her heart was beating fast, and she was unable to catch her breath. "W-what are you going here?" He voice betrayed her in every fashion.
"We've been looking for you," Howard said, his hand still on her shoulder.
"Go away," she begged, trying to push him off. The weakness in her voice surprised her.
He studied her, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. He was clearly in unknown water and he didn't know what to say. "It's okay." She looked away. "Toni, it's okay to be hurting."
She stared at him in disbelief. Did he just say it was okay to feel something? This man didn't believe in sharing emotions. He didn't believe in emotions at all, thinking of them as a weakness. "No, it's not," she argued, resisting the urge to snap back with some snarky comment.
"You can't keep it in."
Toni looked him. "Why are you looking for me?" She didn't want to talk about it, because no one understood.
"The Colonel doesn't want you to be alone. And Carter and Rogers are worried about you…for good reason," Howard stated, kneeing in front of her. "You did just come out of a coma. You should be resting."
She didn't want to hear about those two, not when she was shattered. Her heart wasn't able to take it. "I don't like hospitals."
"Not really a hospital." She glared. "Well, it isn't. Just a medical bay for injured soldiers," Howard said, shrugging.
"Do you know how Barnes died?" she asked, changing the subject.
Howard's glance soften. "It won't help."
"How would you know!" she snapped, shoving him. She couldn't sit still; she had to get up.
He allowed her to get pass him. "It won't settle your mind." He watched her as she wobbled toward a window. "It will just make it worse," he said, getting to his feet.
Toni glanced at him before staring at the covered window. Since entering the building, she had been able to warm up a little bit, but she still felt shaky, and she knew she would be ill in the morning. "You don't understand. It's worse not knowing…" She closed her eyes. "I keep seeing him dying over and over in my head, and each is worse than the last." She was hard core sobbing.
"If you want to know, you can have the report, but it won't help." His voice was soft.
"I don't know what to do." Wiping her eyes, she glanced back toward his direction, her eyes focused on her device. She got the power core connected, and though there were some bugs, it should work. Maybe, she should just go home, and forget about everything. However, it was risky, because she hadn't tested it yet, and there was no telling where it would send her.
"Toni, come with me."
The exhausted, worn out, heartbroken genius from the future was too tired to fight with her father, who she had to keep reminding herself that she hated, that he was an ass, as the guy in front of her was anything but that. She took a deep painful breath as she knew he was right. She was too drained to do anything. "Okay." She closed her eyes, which were blood red from her crying.
Howard seemed almost shocked that she agreed to go with him. "Good," he said, picking up a coat from the table and crossing to her. "Put this on." He held it out to her.
"I don't like being handled things," she said, feebly. She sound pathetic as she had a hard time controlling her breathing.
He let out a chuckling sigh before he wrapped the coat around her. "I wonder about you."
Toni closed her eyes as she felt his arms around her; there was something warm about it. "Get in line," she whispered. She was too tired to fight against her father, even if she felt uncomfortable. Why wasn't he like this in the future? Why was he distant then? It wasn't because he was interested in her, though he did throw out a few one liners. It was like he cared, and that annoyed her slightly. He should've been like this in the future not now, though she would take it now as she needed it now.
"And you aren't wearing any shoes. I hadn't thought about that," he said with a sigh as he stepped back from her and glanced down.
Fighting to stay upright, she wriggled her feet as she held the jacket tight around her. "…No. I just…" She wasn't thinking right when she bolted from the room.
"I understand," he said, as he suddenly picked her up in bridal style with one arm under her knees and the other one at her middle back surprising Toni.
"What are you doing?" Her voice was soft, almost non-existent. Her exhaustion was getting to her and she was having a difficult time keeping her eyes open.
"Picking you up? Good thing that you aren't heavy," he joked.
"I can't get men to dote on me hand and foot if I was," she teased. Joking with him felt nice.
"Let's get you back," he said, holding her tightly. He could see the sleepiness in her eyes as she fought to stay awake. "You rest. I got you."
Ignoring her gut, she rested her head against his warm chest, but listening to her inner self, she kept her eyes open, even if it was a fight. "Thanks."
She felt him laugh before she heard it. "See, I'm not that bad," he said as he turned from the window toward the door.
Seeing her device, which was locked away in a heavy duty case, she spoke, "Nope, you're still that bad." Her eyelids felt heavy and she could barely keep them open. If only she had enough energy to get to her device, because no matter what the risk was, she would use it to get home.
"Geez, what can I do to get you to like me," he teased, as he opened the door with little trouble even with his arms full.
She closed her eyes for a second as the cold air blasted her and she buried herself deeper into her father's chest. After readjusting herself to the cold, she thought about opening her eyes, but she couldn't. Her body wouldn't listen to her, no matter how hard she tried. She was too tired.
"I got her," Howard said, speaking to someone.
Toni, still unable to open her eyes, started to drift, even though she was interested in seeing who he was speaking to. It was a losing battle, as she felt the world disappear around her for seconds at a time.
"She doesn't like to listen. She's going to be the death of me," Phillips stated, bitterly. Toni could practically see his annoyed face as he spoke.
"Oh, you knew she's growing on you," Howard replied with a laugh.
"I think she's growing on you," Salty countered. "I also think you're going on her, which I thought I would never see."
Toni pulled slightly away from Howard's chest and tried to open her eyes again. She was only able to open them enough to make out fuzzy shapes. Growing on them? She thought. Howard's going on me?
"She's a child," the colonel added. "I feel like I have to babysit."
Toni wanted to protest but keeping her eyes open took all of her strength and she started to drift again.
"She just-" Howard started.
"Is she okay?" Rogers asked, Toni knowing his voice from anywhere. If she didn't know any better, he sound worried, but he didn't have a right since he was too busy kissing Loud Mouth Sassy Pants. There was something else in his tone that Toni couldn't place.
Howard tightened his grip on Toni. "Physically, she will be fine. Emotionally, I'm not sure." There was a long pause. "When I found her, she was having a nightmare… It was about Barnes."
"Toni," Steve uttered.
Toni kind of wished she was asleep for this part of the conversion, because she didn't want to listen to them talk about her. She hated when people discussed her like she was something needed to be fixed. She didn't need to be fixed; she didn't want to be fixed. She needed to be left alone to deal with her pain.
"She just needs time, Rogers," Phillips stated, his voice firm, hard. "She was close to Sergeant Barnes."
Just before sleep over came her, she watched Rogers glare at Phillips, which was so unlike him. There was something in his look, but Toni was too tired to ponder it, and she fell asleep watching Rogers talk to Phillips. What she did know was that she wanted to go home and beat the crap out of a certain god.
AUTHOR NOTE:
I didn't mean to make this chapter so long, but for the proper angst, it was called for.
And with Bucky, I know it feels too soon, but there is a reasoning behind it. And again, we all know he will be back. :) At least, she seems closer to her father, right?
But now I leave you with wondering what Loki is up as he is always up to something.
Until next time!