Chapter 3
Thankfully, we were only forced to endure a small amount of ribbing from Haymitch who I think found our budding romance more endearing than irritating. In the weeks following the morning he interrupted us, I had caught him watching us out of the corner of an eye when he thought we didn't know he was looking, or I'd see a little smile on his face when Peeta and I held hands as we all walked through the meadow together with the new goslings that had come in the spring.
We hadn't attempted anything since that morning but it seemed to be enough for both of us for the time being just to know that real feelings existed between us. Strong feelings.
Maybe it was wrong to say nothing had happened since that morning. We were, after all, 18-year-olds living under the same roof together with nothing but time on our hands. We found ourselves necking under the stars on the back porch on more than one evening. Cuddling by the fire watching citizens of the new Panem embarrass themselves on Plutarch's new competetive singing show.
My favorite expression of our feelings though, came in the little things. Our fingers accidentally brushing as we passed ingredients back and forth cooking meals, sitting hip-to-hip on the couch working on the memory book together, and of course, holding each other through the night to help ward off the demons that often came with the darkness.
Peeta continued to bake and paint and I continued to hunt, each of us treating our special talents as a sort of individualized therapy. One day, about a month after the first time I saw the red X on the door, I came home from hunting at the end of the day and was surprised to find Haymitch sitting on my porch with his feet crossed on top of the railing.
I dropped my things by the door, panting in the early summer humidity and brushed back my sticky bangs, looking him over as he stared out at the setting sun.
"Well…I heard the train coming in this morning, I know you can't be out of booze…so…what's up?" I asked as I shuffled over to drop into the chair beside him.
When he didn't immediately answer, I panicked and sat up straight in the chair, looking back towards the door to my house. "Peeta! Is he…is he okay!?" I gasped.
Haymitch raised a hand to calm me down and nodded.
"He's fine…well, physically anyway." He mumbled and settled back into the chair with a slight grunt of displeasure. I took a deep breath and settled myself back into my own chair, relaxing only slightly.
"He's over my place for the night. Says he's feeling a little…off." He said with a grimace as he twiddled with a piece of straw between his fingers. 'off'. Peeta had been having small episodes here and there which thankfully, only lasted a short period of time. 'off' was the term Haymitch had told me he would only use if he felt an episode had a more vicious hold on Peeta.
"Oh." I wished I had more to say on the subject but it still left me horrified to the point of speechlessness that there might always be a part of Peeta that wanted to hurt me. I looked toward Haymitch's house and must have been staring just long enough for him to worry that I was thinking about going over there.
"Sweetheart…" it was a warning but tinged with sympathy I only find acceptable coming from the one other person I know loves Peeta as much as I do.
The thought of Peeta spending the night by himself while in what I knew first hand to be a frightened, agitated state was devastating to me. One look at the empty bottle propped against the chair Haymitch was occupying and I knew he felt the same.
"I'm fine here on my own, Haymitch. Please, don't leave him there by himself. His hijacking had nothing to do with you, he won't be afraid of you or try to hurt you…" I begged him, returning to my position in the chair beside him.
Haymitch nodded, obviously agreeing with my point of view but when he finally looked into my eyes, I knew I was fighting a losing battle. Peeta could be so damn stubborn sometimes.
"Damn him." I spat, folding my arms over my chest and glaring at Haymitch's home once again. "Why does he do that? Why won't he let you be around him?" I demanded and Haymitch turned his own eyes back to his house.
"I told you once that you could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve him, Katniss." Haymitch said so softly that I almost didn't hear him. "But really, neither of us ever will. Some things might have changed about Peeta when he was hijacked but he's still the most steadfastly selfless person, young or old, I've ever come across. He's too good of a man to put up with either of us and yet, he suffers over there…" he said jabbing a finger toward his house, "alone, because he knows neither of us is strong enough to see him that way."
I finally couldn't take it anymore and jumped up from my chair, ran into my house and up to the bedroom Peeta and I shared. Not bothering to change out of my hunting clothes, I rushed to the bedside table, yanked open the drawer and took out the pearl Peeta gave to me in the Quarter Quell. Trembling, I pressed it to my lips, rolling it back and forth just as I had done in those lonely nights in District 13 when that was the closest thing to a kiss I would receive from the boy who had given it to me. I curled up on the bed, beginning to cry as all of those feelings came rushing back. Peeta was only across the street but with each hijacking episode he had, it was like he was right back in the Capitol's possession.
I continued to roll the pearl, back and forth, back and forth, well into the night until sheer exhaustion took over and I finally fell into a fitful sleep.
When I woke in the morning, I was more exhausted than when I had finally fallen asleep in the wee hours of the morning. My sleep had been plagued with dreams of Peeta screaming, crying, trashing a small room he had most certainly locked himself into at Haymitch's. I stretched and popped my aching joints on the bed and heard the soft thud of something solid hitting the wooden floor. I quickly leaned over and scooped my precious pearl up into my hand, warming it between my palms as I climbed off of the bed and made my way slowly to the door.
As I crept down the steps, expecting to hear the tell-tale snore of Haymitch sleeping off last night's stupor at the kitchen table, I was surprised when all I heard was silence.
"Haymitch?" I called out with a sleep-roughened voice. When he didn't answer, I grabbed my hunting jacket that I had dropped on the banister on my way up to the bedroom the night before and hurried out the door and across the lawn to Haymitch's house.
I knew that Peeta would be mad if he knew I was coming over before I had been given the 'all clear' but at that point, I didn't really care. I tried my best to ignore the red X hanging on the knob of the front door as I slowly pushed it open and slipped into the foyer.
After a cursory glance around the downstairs, my hunter's ears told me no one was on this level of the house and so I headed on silent feet up the staircase to the rarely-used second floor.
I could distinctly hear a quiet voice coming from one of the rooms at the end of the hall and made my way towards it as quietly as possible. Pressing my ear to the wood, I could hear only Haymitch speaking and figured Peeta must be hurt or still asleep. Thankfully it was the latter.
I couldn't help the small, sad smile from forming on my lips when I pushed open the door to find Haymitch sitting at Peeta's side on the bed, gently dabbing his young charge's forehead with a cool cloth as he slept sprawled across the bed. I rested my head against the doorjamb, watching Haymitch care for this boy who we both loved so much.
"How's he doing?" I whispered from the door and Haymitch turned his head slowly, not seeming at all surprised to find me there.
"He's exhausted." He whispered before turning back to his task of caring for Peeta. "I came over 2 hours ago and found him curled up in the corner. He was soaked in sweat and mumbling 'not real' over and over to himself." He said setting the bowl of water and cloth aside and standing slowly. "I got him up on his feet, put him to bed and talked to him until he fell asleep about a half hour ago." He said coming over to stand with me at the door. Neither of us had taken our eyes off of Peeta for more than a few seconds since I'd entered the room.
I nodded slowly. "Is he…he's alright now?" I asked turning to look into Haymitch's face, begging with my eyes for him to tell me that our Peeta, that MY Peeta was back.
Haymitch shrugged and looked back at the slumbering figure in the bed, his face etched with a sadness that came from watching someone you care for in pain. "He's okay. Probably would like to see you when he wakes up even though he'll give you hell for coming over here…you can blame me if you'd like when that time comes." He said with a lopsided smile and left the room, leaving me to decide whether to stay or go. The choice was non-existent.
I pulled off my jacket and pants, pushing the door shut before I headed across the room and climbed gently onto the bed beside Peeta.
"It's alright, I'm here now." I whispered putting my arms around his torso lightly and resting my head on his chest where I could feel his clothes were still damp from the sweat Haymitch spoke of. Peeta moaned softly in his sleep and turned into me, wrapping his strong arms around me and pulling me close.
"Katniss." He croaked out in a sob and nuzzled into my neck, just like that morning so many weeks ago. I smiled and stroked my fingers through the hair sticking to the back of his neck methodically. "…not real…it's not…I love Katniss." He murmured and I kissed his forehead as a tear slid down my cheek.
"She loves you too." I whispered and continued stroking his hair until I too fell back to sleep.
When I woke again, it was to a very bright light illuminating the bedroom and the curtains puffing in and out with the gentle breeze coming through the window. I yawned and snuggled into Peeta's arms, prepared to slip back to sleep for as long as I could when I noticed that Peeta's breathing was steady but not deep as it would be if he were asleep.
Lifting my head, I found I was right when my gray eyes met his blue. Peeta was always so dependably calm and collected that it was hard to tell just by holding his gaze whether he was upset with me or not.
"Morning." I said with a soft kiss which he thankfully, returned.
"Morning….I'm pretty pissed at you right now…" he mumbled against my lips. It may not have been the right thing to do, but I wound my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss.
"I know." I whispered back and held him tighter. Eh, I was never exactly known for doing the right thing when it was called for anyway.
Distracted momentarily from his anger with me, Peeta melted into the kiss and I could feel the tension disappearing from his arms, his neck, his lips. I was just working on rolling us over and moving to straddle Peeta's good leg when he took my face in his hands and gently pushed me back so that he could look into my face.
"Seriously, Katniss…I've only told you about a thousand times to just leave me be when I'm like…like that." He sighed, gazing up at me with a look that was equal parts disappointment and lust. A very confusing combination for me at that moment.
"Haymitch was with you, he gave me the all clear." I argued, gently wrapping my hands around his arms at the wrist where he still held my face between his palms.
"And you're fine, see?...well, you're a little sweaty…but otherwise, just fine." I smiled and pinched the t-shirt he was wearing between his pecks and pulled it away from his chest to show how it stuck with his sweat.
"Katniss…" he warned and tugged forward so that he could look into my eyes more closely. The humor had vanished from his eyes and he was staring straight into my soul in only the way Peeta can. I was the first to break eye contact and cut my eyes towards the window with only a slight roll.
"Fine, I get it, you win this argument. I shouldn't have come over here to be with you but I can't help it. When you're in pain, I want to be the only one who can make it go away." I said sitting back as Peeta raised himself up to a sitting position with me in his lap. I was suddenly and frighteningly becoming very emotional and I couldn't help the words pouring out of my mouth once they had begun to flow. "Not doctors, not medicine, not Haymitch, not even yourself…and…and I know that's narcissistic of me but I do…I want to be the one to fix you be…because I'm the reason they broke you in the first place."
At this point, I was doing the ugly cry and Peeta was shushing me and pulling me into a hug, rocking me in his strong arms. How this always happened that he was the one who needed comfort but ended up comforting me, I'll never know, but there we were.
Peeta's arms tightened around me and we just held each other for so long that my knees, bent on either side of Peeta's hips had locked up. When I pulled myself away from him finally, I slid over to sit beside him on the bed and wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my shirt.
"Where's Haymitch?" Peeta asked leaning over to kiss my still wet eyes.
"Downstairs I guess, you know he doesn't come up here unless he absolutely has to…or he has a drunk seeing eye dog." I chuckled, wiping my nose with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.
Peeta chuckled as well and ran a hand through his disheveled hair before, in typical Peeta style, saying something to knock me flat on my ass.
"Good, then I won't have to worry about him walking in on us while we're taking a shower." He said so casually that I was sure I must have heard him wrong. Before I could say a word for or against the idea, Peeta climbed from the bed and offered me his hand. I took it without question.
I wasn't sure of his intentions, or even my own for that matter but I knew I trusted Peeta without a doubt in my mind and so I followed him. Out the door and across the hall to the master bathroom, attached to what would be Haymitch's bedroom if he ever used it.
Placing a towel on top of the cold toilet seat, Peeta gestured for me to sit which I did, as gracefully as possible in panties and a long-sleeved t-shirt. He moved around the room with ease, setting out towels for each of us and turning the shower on to warm it up. He was pulling off his shirt as he turned towards me and found me sitting right where he'd left me, twiddling nervously with a thread on my sleeve.
With a self-assured smile, Peeta tossed his shirt towards the door, revealing the patchwork of skin that criss-crossed his torso from the explosion that killed my sweet Prim, and left us both badly burned. Next, he unbuttoned his pants and let them fall to the floor and stepped out of them, bringing him just that much closer to me. I felt some of the tension in my shoulders ease as I let my eyes travel down his precious body that I could never find a flaw on. I knew in that moment exactly what he was doing. He was showing me that he trusted me to see all of him, because he knew his scars didn't bother me in the slightest, just as he wanted me to know that he felt the same about mine.
As he was unlatching his prosthetic leg from his thigh, I stood and pulled the t-shirt over my head, reaching behind me to unhook my bra and let it fall to the floor. Peeta reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder to steady himself now that he was only standing on one leg and he took a confident hop forward so that we were standing face to face.
"Hi." He said with a grin and reached up to stroke my braid on my shoulder before slowly removing the tie and teasing my hair loose. I placed my hands on his hips just above the elastic of his boxers and looked back calmly into his eyes.
"Hi." I said grinning as well and gently tugged his shorts down, never breaking eye contact as he followed by reaching down to push my panties to the floor as well.
I was the first to turn towards the shower and I guided one of Peeta's arms around my shoulders as I helped him the few steps to the stall. Peeta reached out to open the door with his free hand and together we maneuvered ourselves into the roomy shower and I settled him onto the bench beneath the spray. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling when I noticed Peeta's eyes roaming shamelessly over my naked body. He obviously liked what he saw. I reached up and removed the detachable shower head, being careful to keep myself out of the spray for now and began to rinse Peeta off. His need for physical contact became clear when he took the showerhead from my hands and replaced it with a bottle of body wash.
"Think you can hold that up over yourself okay?" I asked as Peeta waved the showerhead over himself, making sure to cover everywhere. He nodded, still looking me over unabashedly and I felt my cheeks flush as I poured some of the body wash into my hands and stepped forward to begin working it into his neck, chest and back. Peeta dropped his head back against the shower wall, his eyes closing for the first time since we'd entered the shower and he heaved a contented sigh.
"Better?" I asked working my way down each arm, all the way to his fingertips when he carelessly dropped the showerhead to the tile floor. I screeched a laugh when the head landed face up and sprayed me right in the face, which led to Peeta sitting up quickly and reaching down to grab it by the hose.
"oops!" he laughed and placed it beside him on the bench so that the flow of water sprayed the door instead. "Yes, much better. Thanks." He sighed, closing his eyes again as I took the showerhead and rinsed down his body thoroughly.
It was true that I was intimidated by the sight of a naked man. Everyone in Panem knew that thanks to Peeta's stream-side bath in our first Games, but I found myself less embarrassed and more curious about Peeta as I watched the stream of water cascade down his body, pushing the soap to the floor and down the drain. He was still a little on the slender side since returning from the Capitol not long ago, but where a boy's body once had been, I now saw the muscle tone and short, coarse body hair of a man. I couldn't stop myself from reaching out to run my fingers through the smattering of hair on his chest or from tracing the lines that defined the muscles in his biceps.
I was a little embarrassed by the immediate effect my touch seemed to have on Peeta and I had to look away when I noticed the physical effect this touch elicited. My eyes went to Peeta's as I saw them flutter open in almost the same way Haymitch's did when he was first coming to after an all-nighter at the kitchen table. I glanced nervously between Peeta's eyes and his crotch, which he looked down at with a grimace.
"Mmm…sorry bout that." He said scratching the back of his head with a chuckle. "Not much I can do about it when the girl of my dreams is standing naked in front of me and touching me like you are." He answered honestly as Peeta always does.
I just smiled and reached for the bottle of shampoo, moving to the side a little to begin working it into his hair. This time, Peeta's head flopped forward, putting his chin almost to his chest as he relaxed into the feel of my hands scratching his scalp as I scrubbed his shaggy blonde hair clean.
"You need a haircut Mellark." I teased, working his sudsy hair into a mo hawk with a grin. Peeta lifted his head and smiled up at me through the bubbles that were sliding down his forehead.
"You can do that for me too if you want, I trust you." He said reaching out to place his hands on my hips and guided me back to stand between his knees.
"I know you do." I said with conviction as I leaned over and pressed my lips to his once more, my fingers tangling in his still soapy hair. Peeta guided me to sit on the knee where his remaining leg stretched out in front of him and I settled myself onto it tentatively, squirming slightly at the strange feeling of his leg hair on the sensitive skin of my bottom and inner thighs.
We moaned into each other's mouths as bodies were pulled closer together and a gentle rhythm began to build as we touched and stroked. A chill ran through my body as I came into closer contact with Peeta's still wet body with my dry one and he handed me the showerhead between kisses. I stood quickly to place it back in the holder so that it was pointed straight down on the two of us together on the bench before sitting back down on Peeta's knee and wrapping him back in my arms.
We resumed our kissing without missing a beat and Peeta's hands went to my hair, alternating between squeezing it and spreading it out across my back to let it soak up the water.
"Turn around." He murmured against my lips and reached for the body wash beside him on the bench. I pulled back reluctantly and turned in his arms, settling myself back on his knee and felt my breath quickening as I wondered where his hands might go first. I didn't have to wonder long when I felt them settle on my shoulders, working his way down my arms to my fingers just as I had done to him.
"Mmm…Peeta.." I moaned softly and found myself embarrassed yet again when I felt his arousal stir against my lower back in response to the noises I was making. He continued to work his way down my body with his soapy hands, washing my back, upper thighs, shins and calves, but never touching where my raging hormones wanted him to. Just as he was settling his hands tentatively on my hips, I groaned and placed my own on top of his and guided them up the flat plane of my belly to cup my breasts gently. Again, I felt Peeta's response against my back and scooted myself back just enough to trap it between the two of us.
"Ahh…Katniss.." he hissed and squeezed lightly with his hands, causing me to turn my head and catch his lips over my shoulder. We kissed languidly as he explored my chest, testing the firmness and weight of my breasts in a way that told me this was his first such experience as well. The power of that knowledge led me to brazenly guide one of his hands away from my chest and down my belly. I felt the resistance in his touch as he tried to decide if this was the right thing to do. I hopefully erased any doubt when I pushed it the rest of the way down to between my legs and moaned when he cupped me intimately.
"Peeta…" I gasped and deepened our kisses to let him know I was okay with what he was doing. The dual feelings of his hands on my chest and at my center made me moan louder than was proper knowing Haymitch was lurking somewhere in the house. Luckily, my noises of appreciation seemed to encourage Peeta to explore more freely and I gasped when I felt two fingers of the hand between my legs gently probe into the opening, moving back and forth as the hand at my chest alternated between squeezing and stroking each breast.
"You feel amazing." He grunted in my ear as I dropped my head back onto his shoulder, unable to keep up the kissing when my attention was clearly needed elsewhere on my body. I reached back to grip Peeta's hip, rocking my bottom against him in time with his fingers moving in and out of me.
"Amazing.." I agreed as those fingers began to pick up speed and I felt myself emotionally and physically surging towards some unknown cliff that I wasn't even the slightest bit afraid to leap off of. My arms and legs began to tremble and my hips rocked faster and faster into Peeta's hand. I bit my lip to keep from screaming as I leapt gladly off the edge.
As I came back to my body a minute or an hour later, I wasn't sure which, I slowly became aware of Peeta's hot breath as he heaved for air against my neck.
"Wow." Yep, Peeta, that about summed it up for me too. I wanted to move but my body and my brain had yet to find their way back to each other following my earth shattering orgasm. So this is what all those girls at school were always giggling about between classes and at lunch.
Peeta rubbed my arms and legs, slowly working the feeling back into them as I sat up a little and turned back around to straddle his thigh once again.
"Yeah…wow…I…just…wow." I chuckled and rested my forehead to Peeta's, my arms going around his neck with my forearms pressing against the cool tile of the shower wall. It was then that I realized the reason why Peeta continued to breathe so heavily. While I had reached the completion of my experience, Peeta was still clearly wound as tight as one of my bowstrings, pulled back and ready to shoot.
"Oh!" I gasped and pulled back to look into his eyes. I may have been able to follow the cues of my own body, but when it came to giving the same pleasure back to Peeta, I was lost. "What..what should I do? How can I…" I looked him up and down and tentatively reached out to wrap my hands around his shaft. I may have been new at this, but I was smart enough to gather that the part in my hands was pretty integral to giving Peeta the same pleasure he'd given me. By the sounds he made in response to my touch, I'd say I was on the right track.
"Peeta, please…show me what you like…" I whispered tilting his chin with one hand while continuing to stroke him awkwardly with the other. He nodded vigorously and placed one of his hands over mine, tightening around it slightly and moving my hand up and down. From base to tip and back again, increasing in pressure slightly at the tip and holding it until we reached the base on the down stroke. He kept his hand around mine for a few more strokes until I greedily pushed his hand away and took over.
Peeta chuckled a deep, hearty chuckle which I cut off as I crashed my lips back to his and began to stroke his length in earnest. His hips began to lift off of the shower bench in time with my strokes which were becoming quicker and quicker after I realized that was what he wanted.
"Katniss….Katniss…" he moaned, almost sobbing again but this time, in ecstasy. I nodded and kissed from his lips to his cheek and down his throat, nipping and sucking as I went.
"I know, me too." I murmured when I made my way back to his lips and drowned myself in his kisses once more.
"No, no…I mean…yes, but…um…." He choked out and looked down at my hand, his brow furrowed, his cheeks turned bright red as I realized he was clearly holding back his release until he was sure I was okay.
I smiled and wrapped my free arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer to me and running my short fingernails of the hand between his shoulder blades lightly back and forth across his back. I increased the speed of the strokes with my other hand and Peeta could no longer keep up the kisses so he dropped his head to my shoulder and let go with a loud, long grunt of pleasure.
I slowed down my strokes as I felt him softening under my hand and smiled wrapping both arms around his torso to support his body weight.
"I'll third that 'wow' from earlier." I teased and Peeta slowly raised his arms to wrap them around my body, pulling me closer so that I was sitting sideways across his lap.
"You're amazing…" he whispered pressing his forehead to mine and staring into my eyes as he caught his breath. I grinned at him and shrugged my shoulders, faking nonchalance.
"Not so bad yourself Mr. Mellark." I said tipping my chin to kiss him lightly on the lips. We remained in the stall until the water had begun to run cold and then I carefully stood from the bench and helped Peeta up.
"Stay right there, I'll get you a towel." I said with one more kiss and hopped out of the shower to grab the towels on top of the toilet lid. We took our time, drying each other off amidst shy smiles and soft kisses. I wrapped my towel around my own body snuggly and Peeta tied his around his waist after re-attaching his prosthetic.
"Come on, I know you probably didn't eat last night and I KNOW I didn't so you must be starving…" I whispered and peeked out the door, listening for any sign that Haymitch or anyone else was on the second floor with us.
"We're good." I said after a full minute of listening and took Peeta's hand, tugging him along with me as we headed back across the hall to the bedroom, Peeta carrying our armload of clothing. I shut the door behind us just as gently as when I had first entered that room earlier in the morning and let out a short, but loud noise of surprise when I turned around to find Peeta's face only inches from my own.
"Hey there." I chuckled and kissed the tip of his nose. He grinned so wide that dimples I'd rarely seen formed on either side of his face and I stroked the pointer fingers of both hands over them lovingly. Peeta leaned in to kiss me, pinning me against the door with his frame and I felt one of his hands at my hip, sliding up to where the towel was knotted at my chest.
"Uh uh..." I scolded grabbing his roaming hand with a blush and bit my bottom lip. Peeta looked momentarily wounded and I stroked my hand across one of his bare shoulders to show him I wasn't rejecting him. "If you take my towel, we'll never get downstairs…" I grinned. "And I'm STARVING!" I laughed wrapping my arms around his neck and bit into his shoulder playfully.
"Hey! I'm not the meal!" Peeta teased wrestling out of my hold and scooping me up into his arms with a quiet grunt. I screeched slightly when he lifted me and chuckled as he carried me over to the bed and sat me down on the edge like a sleepy child he was putting to bed.
"Now get dressed," Peeta said turning and striding over to the door where he'd dropped our clothes, tossing mine at me. "Haymitch has been a pretty good sport about our lovey-doveyness lately, but I think he'd draw the line at you coming down to lunch in a towel." He winked and reached down to pick up his own clothes, making a noise of disgust when he gave them a whiff.
"Haymitch probably has something that will fit you in the dresser…" I suggested as I pulled my clothes back on and quickly braided my still damp hair.
Peeta tossed his clothes in the corner and strode across the room to the large dresser on the other side of the bed from me. It gave me a chance to ogle him just as he had done to me when we first entered the shower. He was beautiful to me. Mechanical leg, burn scars and all. I watched with interest as he took out a pair of boxers from the top drawer and pulled them on under the towel before tossing it away and yanking on a slightly baggy pair of jeans and a white undershirt. He ran his hands through his damp hair a few times before turning to me and holding his arms out. "Do I pass muster?" he asked spinning once in a slow circle.
I stood from the bed with a nod and twirled once myself. "How bout me?"
Peeta looked me over just long enough to make me blush and winked. "You better than pass…" he whispered and walked over to the door, opening it and gesturing for me to exit first. "After you."
I slipped past him, making sure not to touch him at all. Who knows how long it would be before we got downstairs if I touched him right now. We made our way casually down the steps and into the kitchen, expecting to find Haymitch but there was no one in there. With a quick puzzled look at Peeta, I was about to ask him where he thought he'd gone when we heard the muffled sound of music coming from the porch.
Peeta shrugged and headed for the back door, pulling it open with a click and the volume of the music increased greatly.
"Haymitch?...HAYMITCH!?" Peeta bellowed over the music and our mentor turned his head from where he was leaning back on the large porch swing to look at us. He looked…flustered. He quickly reached over to turn down the music coming from the outdoor speakers.
"What are you doing?" I asked moving over to lean against the railing across from the swing as casually as possible. Haymitch rolled his eyes and shifted in the swing before he stood and strode toward the door where Peeta still stood. He was just about halfway between the two of us when he finally answered with a mumble.
"Trying to save us all the embarrassment of this exact discussion, and going to check on the stew cooking in the kitchen so that I can feed you two lovebirds and send you back to your own home, thereby avoiding further embarrassing conversations." He growled, not looking either of us in the eye as he stomped through the back door letting it slam behind him.
My eyes stayed on the shut door for a few beats and then swung to Peeta's. "Well, I guess that answered my question of whether you think he heard us or not…" I said feeling my cheeks flushing a deep, hot red. Peeta's reaction was quite the opposite of mine. He burst out laughing.
We found Haymitch setting steaming bowls of stew on the kitchen table along with a large loaf of bread Peeta had baked the day before.
"Looks great, Haymitch. Thanks." Peeta said clapping him on the shoulder as he stepped around him to take a seat. Haymitch grunted and placed a bowl at his own spot and dropped into his chair. I was the last to make it to the table and I could feel my cheeks were still hot with the knowledge that Haymitch had at least some idea of what had been going on upstairs.
"Just glad you're feeling more yourself, boy." Oh, Haymitch. The sweet, curmudgeonly way he showed his love for us always made me smile a little.
It seemed I had a lot to smile about that day. I just couldn't help it. We may not have crossed that last line of intimacy, but the experience when we woke up and then in the shower had done more to heal me, and I think Peeta too, than months of therapy could.
"You can keep these clothes by the way," Haymitch said around a mouthful of stew and reached out to tug on the sleeve of the undershirt Peeta was wearing. "Looks like you'll fit into them soon enough anyway." I could have sworn I heard a hint of paternal pride in his words and I cut a look at Peeta, smiling slightly. He must have heard it too because his eyes slid my way as he brought his spoon to his mouth and he quirked an eyebrow at me.
"Sure, thanks." Peeta said clearing his throat and we dropped into a…mostly comfortable silence until we were all nearly finished eating. We were all picking apart our hunks of bread when Haymitch cleared his throat and looked back and forth between us.
I could tell he wanted to say something and while Peeta was staring at his bowl like it was the most interesting thing in the world, I was begging Haymitch with my eyes not to say what I knew was coming.
Save us all; he was going to try and have 'the talk' with us.
I grew up with a mother who was a healer. She wasn't shy about discussing anything having to do with the body and so talking about sex was never something I found as funny or giggle-worthy as the other kids I grew up with. Yes, I was modest and nudity in general made me uncomfortable, but not anymore, and certainly not now with Peeta. With him, all of my insecurities seemed to disappear in the blinding light of his unwavering affection for me.
Unconditional love. Who knew that was all it would take to get me to lighten up.
Haymitch opened his mouth to speak, and after a few false starts he gave up and grabbed a bottle of liquor from under the table and cracked it open. I'm sure I visibly relaxed because I saw a smile creeping to the corner of Peeta's lips as he continued to stare down at his bowl while he ate.
When we got up to leave a little later, I cleaned up the dishes while Peeta and Haymitch made small talk and when I grabbed my hunting bag and bow that Haymitch obviously threw inside the door for me night before, Peeta rose to follow me and Haymitch leaned back in his chair and took a swig from his bottle.
He cleared his throat again and waved the hand not holding the liquor bottle at me. "Go ahead there, Sweetheart, I need a word with the boy and then I'll send him right on behind you…" I turned in the doorway to the porch to find Peeta staring at me like a deer I'd cornered in the woods while hunting. He was still standing in front of his seat at the table and I just shrugged an 'I'm sorry' and started to pull the door shut behind me.
"Uhh…sure, see you soon Peeta." I rushed out just before slamming the door behind me and hopping over the railing onto the grass of Haymitch's front yard. I hurried back over to my house, dropping my hunting gear in one of the chairs on my own porch and slipping inside the door.
I stood in the foyer and pulled off my hunting boots, plopping them by the front door so that they were out of the way of the door so that Peeta wouldn't trip when he came in. I at least had the decency to feel a little bit bad about leaving him to whatever safe sex lecture Haymitch was hitting him with.
I headed straight upstairs to our bedroom and pulled out clean clothes and underwear for the day, throwing on a pair of jeans and one of Peeta's undershirts with a low V in the neck that showed off a little of the cleavage I was just beginning to get back with steady meals for the past few months.
I retrieved my pearl from the pocket of the pants I'd worn the night before and dropped down onto my belly across our bed, rolling the pearl back and forth across my lips as I stared out the window above the bed at the summer sky. I couldn't help but smile and blush as I thought of the morning and the things Peeta and I had done. I was amazed by how my body recalled and responded to the memory of each kiss, each touch, leaving a deliciously tight knot in the pit of my stomach. I clenched the pearl in a fist and rolled onto my back to look up at the ceiling.
The world was the same and yet it was different. When I'd seen the red X on the door at Haymitch's last night, I felt utterly powerless and frightened. Only hours later and I was experiencing the most powerful emotions I'd ever felt. What a perspective shift. I was in the middle of a particularly nice memory from the shower that morning when I heard the door open and close downstairs and Peeta's uneven footfalls as he climbed the steps. I propped myself up on my elbows, trying my best to look contrite as the door swung open and a wide-eyed Peeta stood staring at me.
"How bad was it?" I asked sitting up better and waving him over to join me on the bed. Peeta made his way over to me, looking not unlike a student being sent to the front of the classroom to read a note passed to him by his girlfriend. He plopped down on the edge of the bed and only then did I notice he had something in his hand.
"What's that?" I asked reaching for the box and Peeta scratched the back of his head before handing it to me.
"Protection." He mumbled and shifted on the bed slightly. "I told him we haven't….I said that we weren't…" Peeta puffed out his cheeks and released the breath slowly as he took the box back and tossed it on the nightstand on his side of the bed. "…he just wants us to be safe. Says a pregnancy is the last thing either of us needs to deal with right now."
Pregnancy. The idea hit me like a ton of bricks. That was one thing that certainly hadn't changed since the fall of the Capitol to the rebels. The idea of bringing a child into still such an uncertain world made me feel like I'd eaten a whole bush-full of nightlock berries. Peeta was still sitting, shifting uncomfortably beside me on the bed. We'd had enough heavy conversation lately so I just leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek.
"That was…nice of Haymitch to think of that I guess…" I whispered and stroked Peeta's stubbled cheek lightly. "I mean, even if we aren't…you know." I smiled and Peeta dropped his gaze from mine, looking towards the door.
It was in that moment as his eyes swung away from mine, that I caught the tiniest glimpse of doubt. Doubt that this thing between us might not be as serious on my part as it always had been on his. And I had to eradicate his doubt as quickly as possible.
With the softest of touches, I turned Peeta's face back to mine so that I was looking directly into his eyes. "What I meant to say," I said with a steady voice. "Was even if we aren't…we will be…so it was good that he gave those to you." I smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek, his forehead, the tip of his nose and finally, his soft lips.
Peeta's response was strong and immediate. One hand found the back of my head, holding me still as he deepened the kiss and the other went to my hip and then around to grip my backside, tugging me over to sit on his lap on the edge of the bed. We kissed languidly, neither in any rush to make good on the promise I'd just made.
We kissed until Peeta pulled back and took me by the wrist of the hand I had balled up against his shoulder. He knew I must have been holding something and when I opened my hand for him, Peeta chuckled and leaned over to kiss the shiny white pearl sitting on my palm.
"Could I borrow this?" he asked taking the pearl between his thumb and forefinger and holding it up in the light of the bedroom. I narrowed my eyes at him playfully and didn't answer. "I won't lose it, I swear." He grinned and rubbed his nose against my cheek playfully. "I think we ought to find a safer way for you to carry it around with you than putting it in your pants pocket…" he teased and I scratched my fingernails through his hair, gently rubbing his scalp with them.
"Sure, just make sure it gets back to me as soon as possible." I whispered and he stuffed it down into his own pocket and flipped over on the bed on his belly with me sitting beside his head. He made his intentions clear when he scooted over so that his head was laying in my lap.
I couldn't contain the girlish giggle that bubbled up out of me.
"Can I help you little boy?" I said sing-song and Peeta closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around my hips.
"Yeah, scratch my head…please?" He said lifting his head and looking up at me with blue eyes I could never deny anything. I rolled my eyes, pretending that his request was completely inconveniencing me.
"Oh, I guess so." I whispered and began to soothingly run my fingers through his shaggy hair. As the minutes passed, I could physically feel the tension leaving his body. His arms became slack around my hips and his head grew heavier and heavier on my thighs. More than anything else, I loved that I had this effect on Peeta. That just holding him and stroking his hair slowed his breathing, regulated his heartbeat and, as I looked down and suddenly noticed, put him to sleep.
I didn't have the heart to move him so I continued to sit there, stroking his head for almost an hour before my legs began to cramp up and I had to change position. I held his head between my hands and gently lifted it off of my lap and resettled it on the bed. I only let go of him long enough to stand and move around the bed to cuddle back up to him. I laid down beside Peeta and began rubbing a hand up and down his spine softly. It wasn't long before he turned over onto his side in his sleep and reached for me. That giggle returned again when he tugged me over into his arms, one of his hands going to my waist and the other resting possessively on my backside. I nestled into his chest, both of my hands balling up in the large t-shirt he was wearing and drifted off myself.