A Constant Reminder

Of where I can find her

A light that might give up the

Way

Is all that I'm asking for

Without her I'm lost

Oh my love, don't fade away

Mumford and Sons- Reminder

Chapter 7

I spent that night sitting on the porch of Haymitch's house wrapped in a fleece blanket, my eyes trained on the open upstairs window of my house where I knew Peeta was fighting off his demons. Haymitch was with him but I knew Peeta wouldn't let him stay up there in the room with him. He preferred to fight these particular battles on his own.

When I woke up laying on the porch swing in the morning, I found Gale sitting on the railing in front of me, his arms crossed and a disapproving frown marring his otherwise attractive face. I could tell I was in trouble. I was also hopeful that Gale could tell I didn't give a damn.

"Morning." He quipped with a smirk and I rubbed my eyes as I sat up, pulling the blanket around my shoulders better.

"Yeah, yeah spare me the lecture. I know I shouldn't be sleep-" I was on a roll but Gale cut me off as he hopped down from the railing he was sitting on and started down the steps, heading toward Peeta's old house that he had stayed in the night before.

"Come with me." He called over his shoulder and I looked around, puzzled and still a little sleepy. I waited until he was almost to the front door before I dragged myself off the swing and adjusted the blanket so that I wouldn't be dragging it as I followed him over to the house.

Gale had left the door open for me and I called his name as I pushed open the front door.

"In here!" he called from upstairs and I climbed the steps to the second floor. When I reached the upstairs hall, I noticed the door Peeta used as an art studio was the only one open so I shuffled down to it and slowly pushed open the door.

What I found was Gale sitting in the middle of the room on a stool. He had the same look on his face I saw on Peeta's the morning after Gale was whipped and I woke up with my head on the table Gale was recovering on, having held his hand all through the night. It was in that moment that Peeta had become acutely aware of how deep my feelings for Gale went.

I could guess the reason why that look was on Gale's face that morning sitting amidst walls practically papered with paintings, charcoal drawings, and pencil sketches of nothing but me. I was looking around the room, slightly in awe (even though I had seen his work before, it was still a little intimidating to walk into a room and see your own face everywhere) when Gale sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead with both hands.

"I wasn't sure yesterday when you said that he was getting better…" Gale's voice was so quiet I could barely here him. It was the tone he used when we were actively hunting in the woods, waiting for game to cross our path. "…but he….he's still in there, isn't he?" he asked looking around the room. "The Peeta who's loved you since he was 5-years-old?" he asked finally settling his eyes on me.

I took a deep breath myself and looked around the room again. A small smile forced its way to my lips and I nodded slowly, pulling the blanket tighter around my shoulders like it was Peeta's own arms holding me.

"Yeah. He's still in there." I whispered and moved over to Gale, reaching out to take his hand gently. I stood there, just holding his hand as he looked at me, any final hopes he might have had of a future with me getting sucked out the window with the light morning breeze.

Gale and I were eating lunch in Haymitch's kitchen (after spending an hour cleaning it up of course) when we heard the geese going berserk on the lawn followed by Haymitch's usual shouting and swearing at them. We both sat up straighter in our chairs as he stomped up the porch steps and entered the house through the kitchen door.

He cut a glance at the two of us looking expectantly at him, grumbled to himself and went to the sink where he pulled a bottle out from the cupboard and took a long swig. We watched as he made his way back to the table and dropped into his usual chair with a huff…and took another swig.

"Damn, stubborn…mule-headed boy." He growled and shook his head.

"He's still in the bedroom?" Gale asked when it became clear that my voice had left me.

Haymitch nodded. "Still…won't even let me come in to give him food, I have to leave it outside the door." He spat out and slammed the bottle down on the tabletop.

I flinched when he slammed the bottle and it jostled me out of my panicked silence. "This is the worst it's ever been." I mumbled and folded my arms on the table, dropping my face into them so that I didn't have to look at either Gale or Haymitch.

Nobody said it but we were all thinking about why this was the worst episode Peeta had since he'd been back in twelve. Of course it was because Peeta had been brainwashed to believe that all of my feelings for him, even the real ones, were a fabrication I'd made up in conjunction with the Capitol. They'd told him that the child we'd lied about had been real but it was Gale's child. Gale's child that I secretly had aborted to keep Peeta from knowing the truth. This was, of course, a lie, but when you're dealing with someone who even questions the name of the math teacher we had together 3 years ago, convincing him of even the smallest of details was sure to be an uphill battle.

"I want to talk to him." I said through the crack between my arms. I knew it wasn't the best idea at the time, but knowing just how badly Peeta was suffering, took me right to that place in my mind, back in 13, imagining all of the horrible things being done to him by the Capitol. I just wanted to hear his voice. To whisper to him that everything was alright. To hold him and protect him from the twisted, tortured memories the Capitol had poured into his head.

"Not a chance, Sweetheart." Haymitch sighed, leaning back in his chair. I knew what his answer was going to be but that didn't make it any easier to hear. I said nothing, just kept my head down on my arms and reached for the pearl dangling from my neck. I rolled it back and forth against my lips, trying to calm myself down. I would have needed a pearl the size of watermelon to calm me down after what I heard next leave Gale's mouth.

"Why don't I go try and talk to him?"

I lifted my head quickly and glared at him. "What are you crazy?!" I gasped and looked over to Haymitch for backup, only to be shocked when I saw him thinking it over. "Are you both crazy!?" I yelled, pushing away from the table and stalking to the window to look over at my house.

"I'll admit…it's not the best plan we've ever cooked up, but at least Gale can fend for himself if Peeta gets physical…" Haymitch mused, watching me as I stood looking out the window.

"No, no way. It's insanity!" I growled and turned on them both, leaning with my back to the counter and crossing my arms. "Why is it any different that Gale should be around him? It was seeing BOTH of us that set this episode off in the first place." I argued and Gale sighed, and leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

"Right…seeing us hug set this off so you'll understand if I feel a little responsible for the state he's in…" he mumbled and I saw real regret on his face. I suspected it wasn't so much regret for Peeta's episode, though I'm sure he truly did feel bad about that, but more so, regret for what he was about to say.

"…and besides that, I as much as told Peeta that I knew you'd choose him…" he said softly and Haymitch's head snapped up.

"When?" he asked and his look of surprise grew when instead of Gale, I answered the question.

"During the war…when we were hiding out in Tigris' cellar…" I said looking only at Gale.

His cheeks reddened as he realized I had been awake for his and Peeta's conversation about who they believed I would choose to be with once the war was over. Despite all of the other pains I was feeling physically and emotionally that night snuggled into a pile of fur underclothes, the deepest cut had been listening to two of the people I cared about most discussing my choosing a partner based on survival rather than love.

Of course it was Gale who had said it, but Peeta certainly hadn't refuted it.

"Sorry…" he said looking truly remorseful. "You know we didn't mean it that way, Katniss." I couldn't help but smile.

"Of course you did." I said simply. "I was a different person before this war, Gale. Before the Games, before Peeta was hijacked…." I smiled sadly and looked at the floor then back to Gale. "I was a survivor. So were you. It's what any survivor would have expected of another."

At the time, my feelings still had me so terribly confused. Of course I loved them both but what motivated that love? Did I love Peeta before he was hijacked as Finnick said? Did I really already love him when he walked into that force field in the quarter quell and his heart had briefly stopped beating? According to Finnick I did. Even Prim seemed to recognize that I had strong feelings for Peeta and had told me as much in our temporary home in 13. I told myself that I had chosen Gale after he'd been whipped but was it Gale I was choosing or was I choosing the rebellion?

I had been pretty wounded by that late night conversation between Gale and Peeta. Especially with so many unanswered questions bouncing around in my 'mentally disoriented' head concerning the degree to which I cared for each of them. Before I fell asleep that night, I had even told myself that I could do just fine without either of them. And all that seemed to imply was that I did love them both if I cared so much about what they thought of me.

"It's your call Katniss." Haymitch said pulling me out of the memory of that night. I looked up to find both he and Gale staring at me, waiting for an answer. I was about to ask why I was the final word on whether Gale was allowed to go and talk to Peeta when the answer suddenly dropped on me like a ton of bricks.

For years, the sick and dying had been brought to my mother by loved ones desperate to see them healed. She did the best she could with what she had, but in the Seam good fortune was hard to come by, and proper medical care for the ills that plagued its people even harder still. When it came time for those final decisions to be made, or bad news to be shared, it was always the closest person to the patient whose word was final. Parent for a child. child for an elderly parent. Sister for a brother. Wife for a husband.

Wife for a husband.

Haymitch and Gale looked upon me as Peeta's mate. My back straightened and I shifted against the counter, crossing my arms self consciously over my chest again. It was one thing for Haymitch to think of Peeta and my relationship that way, but Gale had only been back in my life for a day!

"Do you think he can handle it Haymitch? You were with him last night and this morning…do you think he can take a visit from Gale?" I asked moving over to sit at the table once more. Haymitch leaned back in his chair and scratched the back of his head with both hands.

"Hard to say…I've never seen him quite like this. You have to remember kids…" He said looking between Gale and I. "A great deal of what they brainwashed him with during the hijackings had to do with you lying about your feelings for him and running around kissing Hawthorne." He said with a thumb jab towards Gale.

I could tell he immediately regretted the flippant way he had said that, but he was right. While Peeta was being tortured by the Capitol, I was kissing Gale part of the time. The other part of the time I was wandering aimlessly from supply closet to janitorial closet living up to the 'mentally disoriented' classification written on my hospital bracelet. When it came down to it though, some of what Peeta had been shown during those hijackings was true.

I sighed heavily and slumped back in the chair defeated. "Fine…just…be careful, ok?" I said angrily as I turned to Gale. "You may be bigger than he is, but I can tell you from personal experience how strong he is during an episode." I said reaching up to touch my neck gently.

Gale nodded and looked between Haymitch and I for a long moment and then pushed away from the table. "I'll call in a little and give you an update." He said simply and dropped his dress coat on the back of his chair followed quickly by his tie. He was unbuttoning the top button on his collar as he headed for the door.

"I shouldn't ask you if there's anything you want me to tell him because that'd probably just set him off worse…but…" he turned in the open doorway and waved a hand at me, silently telling me that if there was anything I wanted to say to Peeta, it was now or never. I had to agree that passing a verbal message on was probably a poor idea. So instead, I passed a physical one on.

Gale's brow furrowed when I stood from the table and walked over to him, unlatching the necklace as I did.

"Tell him to wear this. Tell him to think of the other night…" I couldn't hide the slight blush on my cheeks even though I was trying very hard to. "….when he gave it to me and let it help him find his way back to me." I whispered dropping it into his waiting palm.

Gale, never one for many words, nodded once with a flash of that pained expression I'd seen in Peeta's art studio, and slipped out the door. I watched him walk all the way across the lawn, up the steps to my house and noticed that he took a moment for a deep breath, steeling himself for what he would be met with inside. I didn't look away until the door had opened and shut, but when I did, my eyes fell on Haymitch.

"Well…" he said cracking the seal on a new bottle and settling back into his chair. "This should be interesting." The statement was dripping with sarcasm, but I knew Haymitch was just as worried about how this was all going to play out as I was.

I nodded and moved robotically back to the table, dropping back into my seat. It only took about five seconds for Haymitch to assess my condition before he leaned forward and pushed the bottle he'd just opened over to me.

"First sip?" I asked raising my eyebrows as a small smile twitched its way to my lips. He waved an impatient hand at me and nodded. "Well ain't I special." I sighed and lifted the bottle to my lips, downing a hearty mouthful before depositing the bottle back in front of Haymitch.

His lips quirked up in something resembling a smile that fell just as quickly as it came. We both stared into each other's eyes for nearly a minute before we both turned our attention to the kitchen window and the house across the yard it was framing.