Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun, the moon, and all their light
I just want to be the only girl
You love all your life
You love all your life

The Band Perry- All Your Life

Chapter 12

It was more than half a year after we'd first grown back together and begun living as a couple in what was my Victor house when it happened the first time. The red X hadn't hung on a single door in the house in 4 months and I was being lulled into what would soon be exposed as a false sense of security.

Gale's visit had ended with Gale and I promising to keep in touch, attempting to repair the friendship we'd once had. If there was one thing I learned from all of the losses in my young life so far, it was that life was just too damn short. Peeta had a few small episodes after that, nothing taking a hold of the back of a chair for a minute or two didn't fix, and only 2 big ones that led to the X hanging on the door in those two months after Gale's visit.

During the first one, I had gone to Haymitch's and gotten drunk. Peeta was pretty mad at me in the morning, saying it was of no help to him if he knew I was becoming a drunk thanks to the warped thoughts that plagued his mind. I apologized and slept on the couch most of the day with a killer hangover. As if Peeta's scolding hadn't been punishment enough.

During the second, I had spent the entire day at the lake swimming, fishing and thinking about the time Peeta and I had spent there throughout the summer. I fell asleep by the little fire I made in the concrete house and when I returned in the morning, Peeta asked where I'd been. The look on his face told me he wished he'd been able to go too. I grabbed a sleeping bag, packed a picnic and took him back to the lake with me to spend another day and night there, being unable to refuse him almost anything after an episode.

The next 4 months were our happiest yet. Peeta and I both threw ourselves into the bakery being built and he began taking me with him to his old house to bake a few ours a day, trying to teach me the trade.

I wasn't very good at first and many of my lessons ended with me coaxing Peeta up to his old bedroom while whatever we were making was in the oven. Peeta only half-heartedly scolded me for the distraction when we burned a couple of batches of cookies that way.

The bakery opened late in the fall just before what had been our Harvest celebration in the days of the Capitol. Each district held their own harvest festival that year, finding it hard to break with some of the old traditions (especially the ones we had actually found some enjoyment in).

We spent all of the late summer and early fall painting and preparing the bakery to open so it wasn't surprising that neither of us noticed the other residents of 12 sneaking around as they planned to make the bakery opening the center of the Harvest celebration. On the first day of the holiday when the bakery had been opened for a full week, we were both humbled to find a large party tent set up in front of the bakery with tables, musicians, a dance floor and donations of food and decoration from nearly every merchant who had returned to 12.

We danced together to the fiddle music of our childhood, mingled with neighbors and even Haymitch made an appearance. He limited his social circle to Peeta, myself and Sae mostly but at least he was out in the fresh air and trying to look sober.

When nearly everyone had returned to their homes for the night and Peeta was cleaning up the cookie trays and cake plates we'd brought out to the tent, I pulled Haymitch up from his chair in the corner and made him dance with me. He humored me, spinning me around the dance floor and showing me some quick step dances from when he was a boy.

I was in near hysterics laughing at Haymitch doing a silly little dance purely for my entertainment when I caught Peeta's eye from where he was leaning on the railing outside of the bakery door. He was watching us with a little smile, his apron still tied around his waist and a cleaning rag in one hand. I smiled brightly and threw him a little wave which he returned. I excused myself from Haymitch after sitting him back down in a chair with a slice of pie and walked over to the bakery where Peeta was still standing.

"I'm impressed he could make it through that without puking or falling down. I know from experience you're difficult to keep up with." He teased and sat down on the stoop. I chuckled and joined him, linking arms with him and laying my head on his shoulder.

Peeta kissed the top of my head and rested his head on top of mine. "Have fun tonight?" he asked and I nodded slowly.

It was really sweet of everyone to make the bakery opening part of the celebration." I whispered and felt Peeta smile against my head. "Kinda makes it feel like home for you again don't you think?" I asked and Peeta lifted his head and looked up at the sign over the door.

" 'Mellark Bakery'." He read to himself. I could see him rolling that around in his head for a few moments before he turned and looked at me. "You know it's as much your bakery as mine…" he said with a nervous lilt to his voice that set off an alarm or two in my brain. Peeta didn't get nervous unless it had to do with me.

"Yeah…I know, but it was your family's trade so it makes sense that it has your name on the sign. It's familiar to the people in 12." I said with a shrug and looked around the square, smiling as I watched a few families still making their way home, laughing and talking excitedly. "They could use some familiarity right now." I nodded and then looked up at the sign again with a grin.

"But you know, if you wanted to I wouldn't be opposed to throwing 'and Everdeen' up there under the Mellark." I teased and dropped my eyes back to Peeta's. My smile faded a little when I met his gaze. He had leaned in closer to me and his expression was a mix of terrified and hopeful.

"Or…or w-we could just make you a Mellark." He said entwining our fingers together on my knee. I dropped my eyes to our linked hands and sighed softly.

"Peeta…" I started quietly and he reached up with his free hand, taking my chin between his thumb and forefinger and turning my face towards him. He leaned in and kissed me to cut off the gentle rejection he seemed to already know was coming. He kissed me breathless and was just reaching around behind me to pull me close when I placed a hand on his chest and pulled away from the kiss.

"Peeta…please." I begged and scooted away from him on the stoop. "Why do you want to marry me?" I asked with an edge of anger in my voice as I folded my arms over my chest defensively. "I mean, aren't we happy? Aren't we happy how we are now? We live together, we share a bed, we just opened a business together…we already live like we're married, so what would change just because we get married?" I argued and Peeta rubbed the back of his head in annoyance and stood. He turned to face me with his hands on his hips.

"Exactly Katniss! What would change, so why not just do it?!" he said angrily and paced in front of me. "Why are you so afraid to marry me? Don't you love me enough to want to be my wife?" He asked slowly. I knew it was something that haunted him since his hijacking so I should have been more understanding, but my fears of marriage went much deeper than even I could logically explain.

"Of course I love you, don't you ever say that again!" I said standing up and getting in his face a little. "I love you so much that the idea of marrying you terrifies me." I growled and felt hot tears pricking my eyes. "I love you…I love you like my mother loved my father…" I said, my voice cracking. "And she nearly died herself after he was killed in the mines!" I yelled dropping back down onto the stoop and covering my eyes as I sobbed.

I assumed Peeta would be at my side in a second and when he wasn't I peeked through my hands to find him not standing in front of me anymore. I glanced around quickly, turning my head when I heard the bell over the bakery door jingle behind me. In the window of the door just beyond the CLOSED sign, I could see Peeta's downturned head and closed eyes. I stood and realized he was gripping the push bar on the inside of the door so hard it looked like he could almost rip it off.

"Oh no, Peeta! No!" I cried and ran to the door, trying to pull on the handle. He'd locked it. "Peeta! Not real! It's not real Peeta, I do love you!" I cried pounding on the door. I was reaching for the handle again when Haymitch's strong arms came up around me and pulled me back off of the stoop onto the street.

"What the hell happened?" He asked with a stricken look that told me he too had started to think that perhaps the days of hijacking episodes were over with it being months since his last one. I shook my head, unable to explain and turned in his arms so that he could hold me. When I couldn't have Peeta during times like this, Haymitch was still the only person whose comfort I wanted.

"Take her home Haymitch!" Peeta screamed through the door in that voice. That horrible voice we only ever heard from what we'd taken to calling the 'bad Peeta'. I sobbed into Haymitch's chest as he turned me away from the bakery and started walking me back home.

He didn't talk on the way and I appreciated that. He knew I would talk when I was ready and I certainly wasn't ready right then. How could I have been so stupid? I knew that even the smallest things could set off an episode for Peeta, but since most of my own trauma was wrapped up in nightmares of losing those I loved, his proposal had set off an episode of sorts for me as well. No one knew what I went through that first year after my father died. Not only had I lost a loving father and with him, our main source of food, but the depression my mother fell into after his death had left me feeling like an orphan.

I watched my little sister waste away and knew it was only a matter of time before she would be lost to starvation. My mother was the same way, refusing what food I could find most days and spending her time staring into space like a corpse herself. It was the most terrifying time of my life. Scarier than either of the Games I had lived through.

The next thing I knew, Haymitch was putting me to bed in my house. I sniffled, rubbing the sleeve of my long t-shirt under my eyes and nose as he petted my hair like a child. He didn't ask me what had happened, just sat there quietly until I was ready to let him know on my own.

"He asked me to m-marry him." I managed to croak out. Haymitch watched me for a long moment and then dropped his eyes to the floor with a sigh but kept stroking my head.

"I hope this wasn't his reaction to you accepting his proposal." He tried to joke and I cut my eyes at him with what I hoped was a look that adequately communicated 'fuck you'.

"Sorry, not funny." Haymitch mumbled clearing his throat. He turned on the small lamp by my side of the bed and opened the window a crack like it would have been if Peeta was here. He settled into the chair by the bedside, obviously preparing himself to stay there for the night. I appreciated the gesture but really just wanted to be left alone with my self-pity.

"You don't have to stay here, Haymitch. I'm fine." I lied and pulled the covers up over my head. "Can you go back and check on Peeta though please?" I said through the blankets. Even without seeing him I could tell he was annoyed that I was sending him away but to his credit, he didn't make mention of it. He did however, stop in the doorway and ask me one more question.

"Not that it's any of my business, but…would it really be so terrible to marry the boy, Sweetheart?" He asked quietly. "Because I think it'd do both of you a world of good. Something tangible for Peeta to hold onto when he has doubts about you. Something for him to take out of a box and read that says in black and white that the two of you are bound to each other by more than just those fluffy words you pass back and forth between you in bed."

I tried to remain as still as possible, hoping he would think I had fallen asleep but Haymitch knew me better than that. He knew I was still listening intently through the covers. I sniffed again and heard Haymitch reaching for the door to pull it closed behind him.

"Who knows, maybe that's what Peeta was thinking too when he asked you." And with that, he closed the door and left. I tossed the covers off of my head with a huff and glared at the door.

I hated to admit that Haymitch was probably onto something with his little speech, but it made sense. Having never married himself, perhaps he also had a better idea of where I was coming from than I cared to admit. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with Peeta? Of course I did. I just didn't feel like I needed the government's approval to do so. I had spent so much of my life acting outside of the law; hunting in the forest, trading in the Hob, defying the Capitol with those damned berries. It just seemed natural that I would want them to keep their nose out of my love life too after they had already spent nearly 2 years with their whole freakin' head in it.

I was too upset to think anymore about it that night and so I pulled off my clothes and scooted over to Peeta's side of the bed, wrapping my arms around his pillow. Even with as exhausted as I was, it still took a few hours for my mind to shut down enough to let me sleep, especially without Peeta there to hold me and keep the nightmares at bay. When I finally did fall asleep, it was never soundly.

Nightmares of Peeta being taken from the arena in the Quarter Quell and worse, of his torture in the Capitol were the rotating themes that night. The one that woke me up though was the most terrifying of all; Peeta looking disappointedly over his shoulder at me before walking onto a train that would take him away from District 12 and me forever. In the dream, I ran to our bakery only to find it locked with a for sale sign on the front. Next I went to his Victor house to find it empty of everything that made it Peeta's. No paintings on the wall, windows and draperies shut tight, and only a lingering smell of fresh baked bread. The last thing I remembered in the dream was falling to the floor, sobbing and alone.

I woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed and breathing like I'd just left the bloodbath at the cornucopia. Peeta was sitting in the chair Haymitch had been in the night before just looking at me. I held the blankets to my chest trying to calm my breathing and looked around the room. His shoes were by the bedroom door where he always left them and his coat was thrown across the bottom of the bed. He clearly hadn't been here long. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand, reading that it was only a little after 6 in the morning. The red X was on the nightstand beside the clock, signaling to me that Peeta had returned from that dark place of mental capture.

Peeta looked like himself but he had sad expression on his face that I almost wished he was still having an episode. Almost.

"Hey." I said scooting over to my side of the bed and pulling the covers back for him to join me as a means of apology. Peeta glanced at the place where he usually slept and took a deep breath in through his nose and blew it out through his mouth.

"I want to marry you Katniss." He said leaning back in the chair and pulling his good leg up onto it with his foot flat on the seat. His prosthetic he stretched out to rest on the edge of the mattress and I almost reached out to tug on the ankle of his pants to try and get him to come closer to me. I could tell by his expression that it wouldn't be a good idea.

"I know you do." I said softly and sat up against the headboard with the blankets tucked under my armpits. I tented my legs and leaned forward a little to rest my folded arms on my knee, resting my chin on top of them.

"Is it really because of how your mom was after your dad died? Is it because if you marry me, than that means something terrible will happen to take me away from you and your heart won't be able to take it. Is that true?" he asked looking at me again, searching my face carefully for any trace of deception. I had said it to him last night in the heat of our argument, but he clearly needed to hear it again. while looking me in the eyes.

I weighed my answer carefully, trying to decide which would be the more painful option. Lying and losing his trust, or telling the truth and exposing one of my biggest weaknesses. Losing his trust seemed like the worst case scenario and the answer just fell from my lips.

"Yes. Well…that's a lot of it." I admitted and Peeta nodded and stared our the window for a few quiet beats. The clock on the wall ticked away nearly 30 seconds before he responded.

"Well while you're thinking about all of your reasons not to marry me because you had a really shitty year after your dad died…" he said trying not to sound bitter and failing for the most part. He turned his gaze back to me with one of those soul-searching looks I'd always found so uncomfortable from him and continued. "…try to remember what it was that turned your circumstances around and reminded you that there was still good in this world worth living for." He mumbled and looked back towards the window.

I felt tears welling in my eyes as I replayed that day in the rain when he'd thrown me the burnt bread in my head. I could never forget it. It was as much a part of me as my height or the color of my eyes. "I do remember." I whispered and slid from the bed in just the panties and bra I'd stripped down to the night before and moved over to the chair where I crouched down and took Peeta's cheek, making him look at me.

"It was a boy who burnt a loaf of bread on purpose…because he'd been in love with me since the first time he saw me when we were five. A boy who took a pretty impressive strike across the face from his mother for it but still looked at me, starved and soaking in the rain, like he would do it all over again." I stroked his cheek and he leaned into my touch just the slightest bit.

"A boy who the thought of losing nearly makes my heart stop just like his did when he slashed a knife through an electrified force field in the Quarter Quell." I admitted and Peeta's eyes welled up with unshed tears of his own.

"Then marry me, Katniss." He asked again and took my hand in both of his. "Marry me and you'll know that you have me forever." He begged and kissed my knuckles. I couldn't answer him, I only bowed my head in answer, not able to look him in the eyes.

Peeta groaned and dropped my hand to wipe his eyes, letting out a shuddering breath as he stood from the chair and pulled his shirt over his head, climbing into bed and reaching for me. I knew he was still upset that I hadn't been able to give him an answer again, but the dark circles under his eyes told me he'd had just as restless a night as I had without him.

"I'm not going to stop asking you." He said with enough petulance that I chuckled softly through my tears as I curled up in his arms to finally sleep.

"I know you're not. And maybe one of these days I'll be brave enough to say yes when you do." I said kissing his neck gently before tucking my head under his chin and closing my eyes.