Chapter 13

Peeta only sulked about my turning his marriage proposal down for about a week before he let it go…for the time being. I knew he was genuinely hurt by it because he was stingy with physical affection for several days afterward. He still held me at night when we went to bed, but he'd been very physically affectionate with me since we'd been living together. Pulling me onto his lap on the couch at night while we watched television or worked on the memory book, always touching my arm or placing a hand on my back when he squeezed past me at the fridge or when we were cleaning up after meals. He rarely even kissed me good morning or good night that week.

I finally had to be the one to initiate contact, climbing into his lap like a child while he painted one night in his studio. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I sat sideways across his thighs on his painting stool. Peeta had stiffened at first but when I scratched the fingers of one hand through his hair lovingly, he leaned into my touch instead of away like I'd been expecting.

It wasn't my finest moment as a strong, independent woman, but I dropped my chin, stuck out my bottom lip, and threw the big eyes in for good measure. "Gimme a hug." I pouted and Peeta couldn't stop the smile curling his lips.

He sighed dramatically and dropped his paintbrush onto the lip of the easel before wrapping his arms around my waist lightly. I made the eyes and lip more cartoonish and he started chuckling softly and hugged me tightly like I'd wanted.

"Have you no shame woman?" he growled playfully into my neck and smacked a kiss there. I giggled and pulled back to look into his face. He was smiling but there was still that hint of hurt in his eyes.

I stroked my fingers through his hair again and leaned in to kiss his lips gently, smiling when he responded with more enthusiasm than he had since the Harvest Festival. "Nope, no shame at all." I whispered when our lips parted. "Falling in love with you has made me very selfish in some ways." I said stroking his cheek with my pointer finger, stopping it at his chin and stroking the little cleft there.

Peeta smiled and pulled me closer into his arms, kissing me deeper. "You love me…" he murmured against my lips. "Real or not real?" I smiled and tightened my arms around his upper body, rubbing his back as I moved my mouth to his closest ear to make sure he couldn't possibly mishear my answer.

"Real, Peeta. Absolutely real." I whispered and nipped at his earlobe lightly. Peeta moaned and stood from the stool in the same breath, carrying me to our bedroom and proceeding to show me just how much he forgave me.

The next time the X hung on the door, it wasn't in our home or even in District 12. It was in the Capitol itself.

It was about a month before the first anniversary of the rebels' victory when I received a phone call from Plutarch Heavensbee regarding the upcoming holiday to celebrate. I think he was a little hurt that I didn't sound more excited to hear from him, but I found it difficult to feel festive when the day the Capitol fell happened to be the same day my little sister was blown to bits.

Plutarch waved off my objections as only someone raised in the Capitol all of their life could when he pleaded with me to come back to the Capitol for the holiday. Peeta and I, as the poster children for the rebellion that led to our country's freedom, were to be among the honored guests they wanted to parade around to various social events being held to celebrate.

I was on the phone with Plutarch the night he called, insisting to him that Peeta and I preferred to just be left alone after all we'd been through, when Peeta walked in the door from work, a smile on his face and a little cake he'd obviously baked just for our dessert in one hand. He held it up to me with raised eyebrows and a smile and I tried for a grin but it just came out as a grimace.

Who is it? He mouthed and I held up a finger asking him to hold on and then pointed towards the study. Before he could question me any further or listen in on the conversation, I ducked out of the kitchen and into the study, shutting the door behind me as I went.

I waited until I heard Peeta knocking around in the kitchen finishing up dinner for us before I resumed my conversation with Plutarch.

"Seriously, Plutarch…" I hissed and sat down in the big fireside chair farthest from the door. "I know I don't want to come, so do you really think Peeta, who spent weeks and weeks in the Capitol being tortured is going to be any more open to the idea?!" I couldn't believe that the new government thought this was not only a great idea, but something we'd be willing to do without a second thought. I wondered how many other of the remaining victors were being tapped to attend and made a mental note to call Annie Odair as soon as I could.

"Now, now Katniss…" Plutarch answered, sounding like he was trying to placate a small child. That certainly wasn't earning him any points. "You've been away for quite some time…we've done loads of remodeling to the Capitol city, you'd hardly recognize it anymore!" He said brightly as if that should make all the difference in the world. I was about to reply with some sarcastic retort about how we would definitely come then if that was the case, but something told me sarcasm was probably mostly lost on the Capitol-born.

"I'm sorry, we can't…I wish I could help you after everything you've done for Peeta and for me…but it…it's just too much, Plutarch." I whispered and hung up the phone.

I had to take a few minutes to calm myself down before I went back to the kitchen. I couldn't very well lie to Peeta about who was on the phone, but telling him the truth didn't seem like any better of an idea. It was bad enough that Peeta and I both woke up a few nights a week from some Capitol related nightmare, now they wanted to send us right back into the real thing. I shuddered and pressed the phone receiver to my forehead, trying to get my own demons on the subject under control.

I was just standing to leave the study when the door opened and Peeta stuck his head in quietly, expecting that I was still on the phone. When he saw the receiver dangling at my side his brow furrowed and he opened the door all the way.

"Who was that?" he asked holding his arm across the doorway so that I had to walk under his arm to get out of the study. It was a trick he'd taken to using more and more when he wanted me to tell him something. I ducked under his arm with a shrug.

"Plutarch." I said trying for casual as I dropped the phone on the kitchen island and went back to the stove. I opened the door to the oven and pulled out the chicken I made for us. As I turned around to carry it to the table, Peeta turned from the fridge where he had just stuck the cake and cut a suspicious glance my way.

"Really? What'd he want?" he asked as he walked over to join me at the table. "Oh, 'hi' by the way." He said with a smile that melted my heart as he leaned over to smack a quick kiss on my lips. It made me want to tell him about the phone call even less.

I shrugged and dished out the chicken as Peeta spooned rice onto both of our plates and reached for the tongs in the salad bowl. "Just to invite us to some…big to-do for the first anniversary of the rebellion," I said with a wave of my hand, not looking up from my plate as I cut my meat. "I told him we weren't interested."

I kept my eyes down, letting Peeta absorb the news in his own time and respond accordingly. I was just reaching for the butter for my rice when he finally spoke in such a soft voice that I almost couldn't hear him. "In…in the Capitol?" he asked and I finally looked over at him. His hands were folded in his lap, his shoulders hunched forward and he was looking into space in the same way I did back in school when I was trying to solve a really difficult math problem. His eyes shifted back and forth slowly and when I moved to reach a hand out to touch him, Peeta raised a hand suddenly and waved off my concern.

"No, no…it's alright, I'm okay to talk about it." He promised raising his eyes to mine finally. "So you told him no then?" he asked and I shrugged again, looking down at my plate and back to him. As my eyes moved to swing back towards my plate, I caught just a flicker of indecision in Peeta's eyes and my own widened.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked trying to keep my voice even. "Are you seriously considering going back there?" Keeping my voice even was becoming more and more difficult with each passing second. Peeta dropped his eyes embarrassedly and reached for his utensils, fumbling with them a little as he nervously lifted them from the table.

"I dunno…maybe we…maybe we should, Katniss." He mumbled as he began cutting his own chicken up. "Maybe facing it and seeing how things have changed there would be good for us. Maybe we'd be happier if we were able to see first hand that it's not the same Capitol we experienced all of those horrible things in." he suggested and I scoffed, cutting my chicken with a little more force than was probably necessary.

"Yeah, the part about it being where 'we experienced all of those horrible things' is my main concern here, Peeta." I argued and he reached over and placed a hand on top of mine gently to stop me from cutting.

"Easy Kat, it's already dead." He said with a sad smile and I dropped my fork and knife both to the plate with a clang and sat back angrily in my chair with my arms crossed.

"This isn't a joke, Peeta." I said with a frown and shook my head. "Why would you want to risk this?" I asked waving my hands around us indicating the life we were beginning to build together. "Why would you risk what we have now by going back there and possibly relapsing to the way you were when they hijacked you?" I said more loudly and Peeta dropped his own utensils with an even louder clang and pushed quickly away from the table and stood.

"Relapsing?!" he said with a humorless laugh and held his head between his hands for a moment like he was in pain. "Katniss, what do you call how I am now?" he asked sadly, his voice breaking on the now. I watched him angrily wipe at his eyes, blinking away the tears that were forming there.

"Peeta…" I said gently in the way I knew he hated, but I couldn't help it.

"Don't." he bit out through clenched teeth. "I hate it when you talk to me like a child Katniss." He said with a weary sigh and placed his palms flat on the table, looking only at his plate. "It may not always show and I may seem like I'm doing better these last several months, but I live with these…these thoughts every day. Every. Day." He said cutting his eyes over at me. "I would have thought that the fucking wooden letter sitting upstairs in my dresser drawer made that clear enough for you to understand." He growled and ran a hand through his hair angrily.

I felt my cheeks redden at his use of profanity. Peeta didn't use language like that around me often so I knew he wanted me to know he was serious. "So…you want to go?" I asked weakly and felt tears rushing to my own eyes. "Back on a train like the ones we took to both Games we were in? Or the ones that took us on a victory tour through each district where we had to look into the eyes of the families of every child who died in the arena that we came out of alive?" I wiped at the tears stinging my eyes quickly as Peeta sat down in his chair with a huff.

"I don't know Katniss." He answered honestly and I could hear his voice softening slightly. "But I at least want the chance to think on it and make my own decision about whether I want to go or not." He said and reached tentatively for my hand which I gave to him willingly. "I know we're a couple now," Peeta said with a hint of a smile. "But I do have my own brain still." He teased and brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles gently. "It may be partially scrambled, but it's still mine."

I rolled my eyes and leaned sideways in my chair so that I could kiss the top of his head soothingly. "I'm sorry. I'll call Plutarch in the morning and let him know we're thinking about it." I said turning back to my meal. "Either way, I think it should be one we make together. We either both go or neither of us goes. Together." I said squeezing his hand gently.

"Together." Peeta agreed and squeezed my hand back before we returned to our meal.

I called Plutarch in the morning as promised and told him to give us a few days to talk about it. He agreed, telling us to take as much time as we needed but he had to know for sure by the week's end. I got the sense from talking to a few of the other victors, and the tone that Plutarch used when he gave me the deadline, that the others were wavering as well and were likely to decide based on what Peeta and I chose to do about this celebration.

Peeta and I weighed the pros and cons one night from dinner time well into the wee hours of the next morning. We finally decided, with some provisions, that we would make the journey to the Capitol this one time with the stipulation that if either of us found we couldn't handle it anymore at any point in the visit, we would leave.

There was one major condition that I wasn't quite sure how we would work around, but I decided to leave it up to Plutarch to figure out once I called and gave him the news.

He was, of course, thrilled when I called at the end of the week and told him we were willing to give it a try.

"That's fantastic news, Katniss! Just wonderful!" he gushed excitedly on the other end of the phone.

"Well, don't get too excited yet." I grunted and took a deep breath before I went on. "We do have one very specific requirement if we're going to come out there."

"Oh certainly, anything you need." He assured me and I could hear the relief in his voice.

I decided it was best to get it out quickly, much like ripping off a bandage when it's no longer needed. "No train." I said shaking my head even though I knew he couldn't see the action. "Neither of us has the stomach for it. The last two times we were on a train out to the Capitol, we were going into the arena."

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone during which I assumed Plutarch was trying to cook up an alternative means of transportation. Hovercrafts were out of the question as most were in varying states of repair since being used in the war.

"I think we can handle that." He said and I could almost hear his smile on the other end. "I'll arrange for a car to be delivered to you and you can drive out yourselves. All of our vehicles are equipped with a guidance system that will steer you straight here step by step." He said brightly. "It's a beautiful drive and it might give you two some time to talk. I hear you've been quite busy with the new bakery you've built together there in 12, I'm sure you could use some catching up." He said.

I frowned and rolled my eyes, wondering if former Capitol citizens would be able to eventually learn the meaning of such words as 'logic' and 'practicality'. "That's all…well and good Plutarch but won't it take days for us to get there if we drive? And…and where would we sleep?" I asked and Plutarch chuckled.

"Yes, it will take several days and I assure you the vehicle I'll send will be equipped for reasonably comfortable sleeping." He said and I could still hear the smile in his voice. "You'll need someone out there to giving you a few driving lessons in the coming weeks as well."

"Okay, well…but how will we get there? We can't very well drive on the train rail…" I asked, confused about what exactly he had in mind.

"Oh, Katniss…" he said in a sing-song way that made me feel like a little child being scolded for believing in fairy tales. "I told you my dear, lots of work being done in the country since you've been back home in District 12…" he offered cryptically. "How well did you do in your history lessons when you were in school?" he asked in a leading way and I shrugged.

"Alright I guess…what does that have to do with our traveling to the Capitol though?" I asked and could almost hear his smile widening over the phone.

"Oh, plenty…" He said with another light laugh. "What do you know, my dear, about the term 'interstate highways'?"

To be continued in Chapter 14...