A/N – So much for that one-shot theory. I have another chapter for you. This one definitely fits that T rating. I hope you all enjoy it!
Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.
Virginia Beach, VA
Spiraling. They had been spiraling. Spiraling was a great word for what they did now. They were spiraling for a long time. It had started off slowly and under control. Then, it began to spin faster and faster as it wound tighter and tighter. Like some choreographed dance. Were they spiraling out of control? That was a good question that neither knew the answer to. Was it under control? Certainly not. At least not by either of them. They were spiraling alright! And, they were headed on a collision course with each other.
Dancing. Dancing was another way of putting it. The dancing had gone on a lot longer than the spiraling. They had, at first, danced around not killing each other, and that was fun, but dangerous. Then, they had danced around negative emotions, which had caused many arguments. Then they danced around positive emotions, which was fun and filled with teasing. Then they danced around fears, which was like walking on eggshells and trying not to break them. Then they were back to dancing around positive emotions, which was heart-wrenching this time around. But, they had spent the last three of their four months of summer dancing closer and closer to what they had been really avoiding for nearly five years.
The flirting had picked up tremendously both inside and outside of the workplace, along with their arguments. With the more intense emotions coming through, it included more arguments as a result of the tension that was visible between the two of them. Their casual banter was now more brutal and more playful at the same time and it drove everyone around them wild with confusion. Their need to be in each other's personal space was nearly constant (and that was what frightened them the most). The looks were intense. The small touches and light communications were significant in ways they had never been before. They were so close, yet sometimes they felt so far away in their frustration to get to the end of that spiraling dance they were performing.
How close were they to the center of that spiral? No one could really tell. It was too far past time to stop it and there was nothing either of them could do about it, other than let it happen. They both loved it and feared it at the same time. They were afraid of the inevitable, which would change them even further than they had already experienced. And it was definitely inevitable; there was no denying it. But, someone had to question it. Someone had to say something before they crashed headlong into each other without being made fully aware of where they were heading. They could not go at this blindly.
Ziva David was standing on the warm beach in Virginia with her back turned toward the wooden cottage that they had rented for their mandatory week off, since none of them had had a vacation in a very long time and Director Vance thought it was now necessary. She had spent the majority of her day lying on the beach with no one other than Anthony DiNozzo.
Ziva's heart gave a stutter as she thought about him and remembered how he looked at her and the way he looked in his bathing suit without any top on to hide his toned chest and arms. A smile fluttered across her lips and her breath caught up in her throat. Then, she quietly composed her face again, so she could continue to think.
Someone had to ask the questions, but now they were locked in a battle of dancing around the questions, rather than dancing around what they really wanted. They both knew what the other wanted. They both knew (basically) how the other felt. It was only a matter of time before it reached a breaking point. She was supposed to spend her entire summer in Florida on assignment, but that had not happened the way that Director Vance had wanted it to.
Ziva had called her doctor for medical leave for a week. She was not sleeping at all and she was exhausted and certainly not performing to the best of her abilities. She was having nightmares again. They were worse when she was further away from Tony, she noticed.
Ziva had tried to call Tony. That was nice. But, it was not the same when she was so far away from him. Having him able to come over to wherever she was, was a comfort that she needed in order to rest easy most nights. But, there were still other nights in the beginning of the summer where she had to reach out for help from him. The nightmares had diminished slowly and were no longer every night.
But, then about two months ago, she had changed her routine. She called Tony just to come over to her apartment to hold her and make her feel safe. That was the beginning of her giving into her feelings toward him, which they both knew were there. He came, even though it wasn't an emergency and that was the beginning of him giving into it as well. That was the first time they had both scolded themselves mentally and it was far from the last time that they had done it. That was the third move that had majorly changed how quickly they were spiraling.
About a month ago, Tony called her and asked her to come over to his place. She knew she was the first woman to go over to his place. She knew he didn't invite people to his place, because it was his sanctuary. She knew the significance of this. She was a part of his sanctuary now. He wanted her near him. They were giving in more and more, a little at a time. But, they were still dancing around what they were ultimately headed for. That was the fourth shift in their spiral.
Then, when they had been given a week off, they gave in further. Tony approached Ziva. Tony made the reservations. Ziva made the calls. Tony paid for the vacation. They planned it together. They worked as a team for this. They were not far from home, but it was far enough away that it was still considered to be a vacation. It was far enough that they knew they wouldn't run into anyone else from NCIS. They knew that they were really alone together. They knew that it was just them and no one else to bother them. That was the fifth shift in their spiral. This was the one that would send it out of control, and they both knew it.
The first change, and beginning of the spiral, had been Paris. The second shift had been when Ziva turned to Tony for help with her nightmares. The third jump was the night she called him just because she wanted him near her and the fourth was when he called her for those same reasons. These were both scary and refreshing for both of them. The fifth shift in the spiral was this vacation. That was not scary, but at the same time it kind of was. They didn't exactly talk about it. But, they didn't question it, either. They had not spent much time talking about any of this, only thinking on it, some. But, the time was coming where they would be forced to talk about it, if one or the other of them didn't open up about it soon. Spiraling, she reminded herself. Spiraling and dancing.
The door to the cottage creaked open behind her and she didn't bother to turn around to look. She was no longer panicked by the sound of doors or of mostly anything else these days. She was healing. She knew that Tony was behind her now, and probably staring at her backside. She smiled to herself before recomposing her face again.
Yes, things had certainly changed.
She could sense Tony's presence. Her senses were so heightened to his presence that it was as though they had been married for many years, rather than just partners for only five years. She felt like she had known him all her life and knew that he felt the same way.
Ziva closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of the evening as she heard Tony's footsteps coming down the cottage's stairs toward her. She opened her eyes again, watching the sun sinking lower against the horizon. The spiraling and dancing was nice, but what about what happened when they crashed? Had she thought about that yet? No. Not yet.
Tony wrapped his arms around her middle, enjoying the feeling of her skin under his hands and arms; the feel of her bare back against his bare front. She enjoyed the warmth of Tony wrapping around her and protecting her from every danger that the world could possibly throw at her. She smiled again and allowed her eyes to close, allowing herself to inhale his scent instead of that of the beach. Then, she opened her eyes again and took a breath in.
"What are we doing, Tony?" she asked, closing her eyes one more time. She anticipated his answer and smiled before he spoke what she knew was coming to her.
"We are standing on the beach together, enjoying the sunset," he said, speaking calmly, though she could hear the hint of sarcasm in his voice and a light laughter surrounding him.
She chuckled. At one time, she would have been annoyed by this response and his lack of understanding. But, she knew that he was mentally avoiding the topic. It was a natural response for both of them to avoid such serious topics. But now she enjoyed a moment of lightness interrupting all her serious thoughts. Standing on the beach, with Tony, enjoying the sunset.
She smiled to herself. That sounded nice. But, just like those other times they were together outside of work, this was forbidden. This was far more intimate than those other times. Yes, they had kissed rather passionately on other occasions (many other occasions), but this was very different. This time they had chosen to run away together. This was premeditated. This was thought out and well-planned. She smiled again. They had planned this and the moment was perfect.
This time they had gone to dinner together, and neither one could deny that it was very romantic. Tony had bought her flowers and she had accepted those flowers, which was very sweet. She had dressed up nice for him and he had dressed nice for her, which they both enjoyed. They had cuddled while watching movies, which was relaxing. They had held hands in the car. Played together in the ocean. Laid out on the beach. Built a sandcastle. Danced in the rain (which was unexpected, yet quite enjoyable). Cuddled through the night. And kissed intimately at every chance they could find.
Tony seemed to be thinking along the same lines as Ziva was. His arms tightened on her as they finished watching the sun sink down below the horizon, leaving nothing but an orange glow behind it. Then, he spun her around to face him, without letting go of her waist or his tight grip on her. He looked into her light chocolate eyes, seeing a light of hope that he never thought he would see with quite that intensity. This was forbidden. They both knew this was forbidden, and yet here they were.
"We've been dancing around it for years, Zi," he said quietly to her. "We're spiraling out of control now. What started it?"
"Paris," Ziva answered in one word and he nodded in agreement, thinking about everything her mind had just gone over before he came out. He smiled at the way things had gone over the last eleven months.
Sure, the beginning of that had been rocky, to say the least. But, Paris was a turning point and something that had changed the dynamic between the two for a while. Then, she called. That changed them again. Then, she called for a different reason, definitely changing the dynamic between them again. Then, he called, changing it further. Now this. This was bound to change their dynamic and already had as far as they could see. But, whatever came next was the final step and they both knew it. They both knew that this conversation was only the beginning of that inevitable change.
They continued to stare at each other. Ziva took in a breath, and she and Tony went to speak at the same moment, both having the same thing on their mind. The shared a moment of light laughter as they closed their mouths. They looked into the other's eyes for a while longer.
"It is forbidden, Tony," Ziva whispered, her voice laced with fear. She never wanted to admit that out loud. She enjoyed what they were doing far too much to admit that they shouldn't be doing it. But someone had to say it. "It is completely forbidden and if we are ever caught… well, it might be worse than a head-slap from Gibbs."
"You are an American citizen now. It is far less forbidden than it would have been before," Tony reminded her softly. "But, you're right."
Tony's head hung in despair. Forbidden was nothing that either of them wanted to hear. But, they both knew it. They had both known what was forbidden and what was allowed by their boss. Paris was forbidden: the gift, the kiss, and the cuddling. Ziva's phone call, nightmares, cuddling, and kisses were forbidden. Ziva's other phone call, for personal reasons, was very forbidden. Tony's was more forbidden, though, since their boss viewed Ziva as a daughter who was probably off-limits to him. This vacation was definitely forbidden and everything that had to do with it: the dinners, the dates, the movies, the cuddling on the couch, the hand-holding in the car, the flowers, the playing, the flirting, the kissing, the night-time cuddling, the small touches, the laying in the sand together, and the kisses (yes, they considered that twice, because it had happened often this week).
Ziva reached her hand up, touching Tony's chin softly with her fingertips and pressed her bare core into his bare stomach, lifting his chin gently so their eyes met again. Their skin touching was too much for both of them. They both nearly exploded with the heat they could feel in that simple movement. They had nearly lost it on the beach earlier that day, which was what caused Ziva to think. Here they were again, touching in the simplest of ways. It would be something simple that would send them flying over the edge and spiraling out of control. But, they needed to have this conversation first, otherwise, they both would have lost it then and there on the beach, just after sunset.
"I do not care if it is forbidden," she said, looking straight into his green eyes, some of her walls beginning to fall and some emotions starting to show all over her face. "You are all that I care about. You are everything to me, Anthony DiNozzo."
He smiled genuinely and pressed one hand to her cheek. She leaned into his touch to find the warmth of his hand. Her eyes nearly sliding closed, before she remembered what they were there for. So, her eyes snapped open again, focusing on his deep, thoughtful, mysterious, green eyes. "I guess we need to have this conversation then," he said quietly and rubbed her cheek gently.
These small touches were just too much. It was so small, yet so intimate. The intimacy that they had and shared was too much. Her desire was turning into a need rapidly. She needed him and he needed her. That was all that they could see when they looked into each other's eyes. It was not just a physical need, though. It was definitely an emotional need as well.
"I am in love with you, Anthony DiNozzo," Ziva said very quietly, deathly afraid of saying those words, yet so relieved that they had made it past her lips.
The words weren't as hard to say as she thought they would be to say. Once she had opened her mouth with the intent of saying them, they fell easily from her lips, laced with all the right emotions. Then, her fears were squashed by his eyes as they told her what she needed to know, before his lips could ever respond.
"I am desperately in love with you, too, Ziva David," Tony whispered back to her, his voice soaked with love.
"And yet, it is still forbidden," Ziva said, sighing out loud and closing her eyes for only a moment, needing to see him and his emotions as their emotional walls came crumbling down around them.
"I don't care about my job that much, Zi," Tony said sincerely, looking straight into her eyes and leaning into her a little more. "You are more important than anything in this whole world. Yes, I like my job. But, there is nothing I wouldn't do or give to have you forever."
"I know exactly what you mean, Tony," Ziva stated just as simply and just as filled with emotions as more of them shown through on her whole face.
They stared into the depths of each other's eyes. There was not much more to say. It was forbidden, yes (all of it). It was exciting, fun, carefree, filled with love, and serious all at the same time and it should have confused the hell out of them. Yet, they had never been so clear on anything in their lives. How had it gotten to that point? Nearly five years of dancing around it while managing to grow closer without even realizing it. They were spiraling alright and that spiral had just tightened a little more and it was totally and completely beyond their control now that the words were out there.
"Tony, I will never be the same Ziva David that you met five years ago," she told him sincerely. "I will not be the old Ziva David that you knew. The one who was simply a cold, emotionless, Mossad assassin. I am different now. I have feelings that are strong. I show feelings to a few and more everyday. I am warm. I am filled with love, dreams, hopes, wants, and desires. Sometimes those very positive things cause me to cry. But, those are the very things that fill me with happiness and joy that I did not know existed before now. I am not as open about certain things as I used to be, or shall we say I am more reserved than I was. But, I am far more open to you than I ever have been. Maybe it is maturing, maybe it is what I went through in the Sahara Desert of Africa. I do not know. I am not wild anymore. You tamed me."
"I know what you mean," Tony said with a slight nod. "I am not a playboy anymore. I gave up on that a while ago. It doesn't make me happy. It never did. But, you do."
"Simple," Ziva said, leaning into him a little more.
It was like their bodies were mimicking this mental spiraling dance she had going on in her head. They were getting closer to that crash collision that they both knew was coming. They were not even bracing themselves for that collision. They were longing for it. They desired that final move that made it all come crashing down.
They could feel it already beginning. The walls were falling away and all reservations were being put aside. They were almost there and they could feel it, but they were very eager for it and anticipating the moment that it was all gone and they could be set free from what they had avoided forever. They wanted to be wholly with each other and have the entire world stop while they finally gave into what they had been longing and waiting for, for years.
"I have some scars that you have seen, Tony," Ziva admitted, continuing to knock her walls down as she spoke. "Emotional and physical scars. But, you have seen all of them now. I feel oddly exposed when I am around you, yet so safe and so free."
"When you're around me the entire world makes sense, Zi. When you were gone, nothing made sense. It was like I was lost and had no reason to keep living. My will was gone. When I saw you there, everything suddenly made perfect sense again. I had a reason to live, a reason to go on and fight for another day," Tony told her, knocking his own walls down. "I don't want to feel that way again. It was a hopeless time for me. Ziva David, I want you by my side."
"And that is where I want to be, Anthony DiNozzo," Ziva admitted.
He licked his lips lightly, his eyes flashing to her lips. And that was all it took. They leaned in at the same moment and their lips crashed together. This kiss was far more passionate and raw than any other kiss they had shared in the past year before it. They could feel all the feelings that the other had through this one kiss. The walls came crashing all the way down. There were emotions written all over Ziva's face. There were emotions pouring out of Tony that he had previously been afraid to feel.
Ziva pushed him backward, up the stairs and into the cottage they had rented. This, too, was very forbidden, but that no longer mattered or stopped them. Their reservations were gone. They were sure of what they were doing and what they wanted.
Tony's hands were on her bare back and hers were on his sides. Skin touching skin, heat building inside them and desire showing through full-force as they stumbled their way through the small cottage to find one queen-sized bed that had been calling to them in this way for nearly a week.
Ziva stopped pushing him and he didn't move her at all as they continued to kiss for a moment. They pulled apart from this kiss, but they could both tell that the physical part of their conversation was far from over. Tony saw that she was sure of what she wanted, but unsure of how she was going to react to getting it. He gently kissed her cheek and stroked her hair, reassuring her.
She looked deeply into his eyes and let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "I want this, Tony," she reassured him.
His hand ghosted up her back and pulled the string of her bikini and ghosted up to her neck to pull on the next one. The small amount of fabric that covered her chest fell to the floor. Then, both his hands ghosted down her sides, leaving goose-bumps, and pulled at the strings on either side of her bikini bottoms and that piece of fabric fell to the floor as well, all while she stared into his eyes.
His eyes darted down her body, taking in everything. He didn't dare to touch anything that had previously been covered by the fabric that now lay at their feet. He spun them around so her back was facing the bed. He lifted her and pushed her gently backwards, raising her all the way onto the bed in a swift and graceful movement. He lay over her and continued to stare into her chocolate eyes for a moment, as though waiting for the final permission to move.
"Make love to me, Anthony DiNozzo," she said softly to him, a light in her eyes he had never seen there before.
"As you wish, Ziva David," he said just as softly back to her.
His hands obliged willingly. He moved his hand slowly upward to cup her breast as she pulled him into her for another deep and passionate kiss.
They had spiraled alright. They had spiraled right off the edge of a cliff they didn't know they were standing on. They crashed into one another to find pure happiness where they wanted it. The repercussions of this were going to be severe, permanent, and pleasurable. After tonight, there would be no more dancing around each other, no more bickering out of discomfort for what they were still left wanting.
The walls were gone. The barriers were broken. The reservations vanished. And, as forbidden as it was, they had never felt so free. They were one. They had always been two halves and now they came together as one.
Five years. Five years of attraction. Five years of avoidance. Five years filled with flirting. Five years of bickering. Five years of bantering. Five years of light teasing. Five years of saving each other's lives. Five years of working together. Five years of depending on each other. Five years of protecting the other. Five long years were being exposed now for what they really meant to the other.
This was blissful and heavenly. This was a forbidden journey that neither had known they started five years ago, and neither would ever forget. This was a forbidden night that neither would forget and both would enjoy. It was a forbidden eleven months since she had returned home, after having nearly turned into someone else. She was different. The old Ziva David would never have been capable of this. She liked the new Ziva David. She was capable of this kind of deep and passionate love, trust, and loyalty to Anthony DiNozzo. She had even asked him to take the lead and give her the happiness she had long desired to have and never thought possible.
This was only the beginning of a new, more graceful and intricate dance to come, and the end of an old, spiraling dance that went around in a simple circle. Because, now they were one and didn't care if it was forbidden or not.