I went to Rex's house and sure enough, Harley and Joker and Rex were waiting up for me. I received a bone-crushing hug from Harley, along with a where have you been, I have been so worried about you. I called my dads to let them know where I was and then followed Ivy to her room and promptly passed out beside her.
I awoke to leaves brushing my feet. It was really odd, kinda soft and tingly. There was just a slight bit of pressure.
"You might want to move your feet before she starts digesting them." Ivy mentioned.
I sat bolt upright and yanked my feet away from the Venus Fly Trap. It was huge. I was scared to even look in its general direction.
"She was contemplating it all night." Ivy laughed a quiet, tinkling bell laugh I never considered she could have. "I tried telling her not to. My poor baby, that one isn't food any more than Rex is food."
The plant barely moved. I was blocking its sun spot and it was going to wait right there until I was the one to move.
I got the hell off the bed and nearly tripped over a vine.
"Shit!" I stumbled. "Is the whole room made of plants?"
"I am a botanist." She reminded. "And where have you been? Harley was really worried about you."
"I had a date." I muttered, kicking a vine as it started to wrap around my leg.
"Be nice." She scolded. "With whom?"
"Nobody." I said shortly and left the room.
"You had a date?" Rex was at the door.
"No. Yes. It doesn't matter. Is there breakfast?" I wandered down the stairs of the two floor house.
"Mama's makin' eggs!" Harley shouted from the kitchen.
"This whole house is her fantasy." Joker passed by us on the stairs, moving quite a bit more quickly than me. Probably to get some food before Rex ate it all. "By the way, how was your date?" He grinned back at me.
"Fine, thanks for asking pops." I muttered.
He looked to be in shock. Did I know who he was? He was the Joker! He had killed people for less! The cheek!
Then he smiled and went to the kitchen.
"Huh, I'm alive." I felt my body over to make sure. No cuts anywhere.
"He'll never admit it, but he likes you." Rex shrugged. "At the very least he thinks you'll be useful."
"Great."
The kitchen was warm from all the cooking Harley had been doing. There was a plate with at least twenty eggs on it. That was for Rex.
"How'dja sleep, baby girl?" Harley tousled my hair.
"Well enough until one of Ivy's plants tried to eat me." I hugged her good-morning, as she seemed to expect. Rex did the same.
"Mornin', Mum." He sat down.
"Is there anything I can do to help with breakfast?" I offered.
"Nope! I got it all taken care of! You sit down and have some food before Rex eats it all." She smiled, pleased that I had offered, then she went to the Joker. "Coffee, Puddin'?"
"Yes." He said as he read over a morning paper.
"I have a question." I raised my hand like I was in school.
"What?" They said at the same time.
"Why are you guys living in this house? Won't Batman catch you or something?"
Harley and Rex laughed. Joker looked amused.
"We've been here for almost a year now. Surely he knows we're here. The neighbors certainly do." Joker answered, almost politely. How strange. "The thing is, we haven't done anything since we let Rex loose upon the city. Well, a bank robbery here and there, but nothing major." He shrugged. "We really will have to change that, won't we Harley?"
"Sure will, Mista Jay!" She cheerfully poured his coffee. A happier being in the universe did not exist.
"So who did you go on a date with?" Rex asked me, mid shovel of eggs.
"Batman." I muttered. He might as well have been on the date too, spying asshat.
"Oh ho! Does the cheek never end!" Joker laughed at me.
"No seriously, I need to know just in case I have to kill someone." Rex said. "Who did you go on a date with?"
"Robin." I answered.
"Ha!" Joker laughed again.
"No, seriously." Rex looked almost frustrated.
"What, this face too good for Batman or Robin?" I joked.
"Why would Batman or Robin date you?" He said.
"Well that was harsh." I stabbed an egg and almost broke the plate. I bent the fork in the process.
"No, that's not what I meant." He rolled his eyes at me.
"Sure, sure."
"Who wouldn't wanna date my baby girl!" Harley was only barely paying attention, off in her own fantasy realm where she and her Joker were probably already married and had six other children.
"What I meant was, Batsy knows you're with me. Stands to reason, Robin does too. Why would either of them date you when they know you're with us?" He swallowed eggs and finished the plate.
"Want more, hon?" Harley offered him a whole plate of bacon.
"Sure, Ma. So, your lie doesn't even make sense. Unless Batsy is dating you to get information on us, and that I might have to kill you for."
"Oh please, Rex." I bit into my toast. "Nobody cares what you're up to. All you want to do is go eat Taco Bell, kill things and skulk around."
"I do more than that!" He objected.
"Yeah, you play in traffic."
"Sheesh, what turned you into a bitch?" He muttered.
"This is better than cable." Joker said cheerfully.
"Mind your own business, Rex. My social life does not revolve around you." I pointed at him with the fork.
"Children, stop arguing." Ivy walked in, holding a tiny, potted plant. A little sprig of green was just barely visible above the dirt.
"She started it." Rex complained.
"Real mature, Rex." I drank some orange juice.
"Let her have her secret date." Ivy ruffled his hair. "You don't need to know everything about her."
"Okay, fine. I'll stop interrogating her. For now." He smiled at me.
"You won't get a different answer."
I fell silent as we ate. They talked about plans, mostly. Something was happening in a week, most likely another bank robbery.
A knock at the door. Joker got up to answer.
"Two-Face! How are you!" He exclaimed. "Come in! Harley was just making breakfast! Care to join us?"
"Don't mind if I do, Joker."
A man walked in. Half of his face was scarred badly. The other half was almost ridiculously handsome.
Two-Face? I recognized him. He was Harvey Dent. He used to be Gotham's top dog, the DA. He was gonna put away everyone. Then some mob boss got a hold of him.
"Harvey, you remember Rex." Joker sat back down. Rex smiled at him with a mouthful of food. "This is Harm."
"Harmony." I corrected.
"A pleasure." Half his face smiled. The other was stoic. I shivered. He was creepy.
"Two-Face, do a flip!" Rex said suddenly. "Heads for Batman, Tails for Robin!"
"Oh for pity's sake!" I stood. "I am not sitting around for this."
"Rex." Ivy gently scolded. She cared too much for him to actually scold him.
Harvey Dent didn't question it. As I cleared my plate and put it in the sink, he flipped a coin. One half was burned, messed up. The other was shiny and perfect. Just like him, I guessed.
"Heads." He announced.
"Batman." Rex said confidently.
"What was it for?"
"Harm had a date last night, really late. She gave us two answer: Batman or Robin." He looked at me. "Isn't Batman a little old for you?"
"I like my men mature, Rex." I smiled angrily at him.
"Ouch." Both sides of Harvey Dent's face smiled that time. He was amused.
"Batman is a little too mature. Bet he can't get it up."
I turned bright red with indignation. The whole room was silent.
"Maybe I should come back another time." Harvey Dent started to stand.
"Here ya go!" Harley put food on his plate and sat him back down, like she hadn't even noticed what Rex had said.
"Stay, Mr. Dent." I said. "I'm about to leave anyway."
I wrapped my scarf around my face and slammed the front door shut behind myself. Outside, I heard the Joker cackling like a madman. Other than that, then morning was silent.
"What happened in there?" A woman with a hood pulled over her face asked me. She was standing beside the door.
"A little too much was insinuated about me." I smiled politely. "Can I help you?"
"Just about to have a meeting with Joker and Harvey." She shook her head. "Door open?"
"Should be." I shrugged. I hadn't checked. I couldn't imagine them locking it though.
"Not used to working in the day." She pulled back her hood. She was wearing a mask underneath.
"Huh." Was all I could muster.
Ten in the morning and I was already exhausted. Stupid Rex. Asshat.