Chapter 18
As promised, Haymitch took Peeta a plate of food and went to check on him when we finished eating. He found me in the solarium sitting on the couch by the fireplace with the ashes from the night before still smoking inside of it. I was wrapped up in the flannel blanket Peeta and I had slept on and wearing the corduroy pants and sweater I had changed into for breakfast.
When I straightened my back and looked at him hopefully he just waved a dismissing hand at me and shook his head as he plopped onto the sofa beside me.
"How'd you know I was in here?" I asked weakly and Haymitch sighed and crossed his legs at the ankles on the ottoman in front of him.
"Didn't, I've been looking all over this damned place." He growled and folded his hands behind his head in what I know was a pretty lousy attempt to act casual in the face of Peeta's episode. He cut his eyes at me and then lowered one arm to nudge me with his elbow. "I started with the closets and electrical rooms." He smirked and I rolled my eyes and snuggled deeper into the blanket.
"You gonna make stupid jokes or you wanna just tell me how he is?" I asked and Haymitch took a deep breath before he answered.
"He's alright." He said quickly. "Wouldn't let me past the entrance to the room but he did open the door all the way. He looks okay, just…confused." He sighed after searching the air in front of him for the right word for a few moments.
I dropped the back of my head onto the sofa and blew out a long sigh. "I thought he'd be okay once we made it the first night without any problems. I guess it was just too much to hope for." I said trying to keep my voice even but I knew Haymitch could hear me choke on a sob as I forced the last word out and he brought an arm up around my shoulders gently.
"Eh, he'll be alright, he always is." Haymitch assured me and cleared his throat. "Any idea what might have set it off? He wouldn't tell me much after he accepted his breakfast plate and took it to the table to eat." Well, that at least made me happy that he still had an appetite.
I shrugged. "I don't know, maybe he was tired from the tours yesterday…I knew I shouldn't have suggested we go exploring last night." I said mentally scolding myself. "He was probably tired and just went along with me because he knew I wanted to look around." I groaned and Haymitch looked around the room again.
"This where you ended up?" he asked and nodded, impressed, when I grunted in the affirmative. "Nice room. Arrogant as shit, but nice." He said and I couldn't help but burst out laughing at how close his description had come to the way Peeta and I had first observed the room the night before.
Once District 12, always District 12 I guess.
"What's so funny?" Haymitch asked looking at me like I was crazy. I shook my head and glanced over at him, the look of bewilderment on his face making me laugh even harder. I wiped my eyes with the blanket and shook my head as Haymitch gave me a minute to compose myself.
"Peeta and I slept in here last night." I said simply and Haymitch turned his head, surprised but still not quite getting what was so funny. He looked around the room once more, probably thinking that was a little odd since it was so obviously more of an outdoor than an indoor room.
"Okay…strange choice considering it's the dead of winter but being as I usually sleep face down on a kitchen table, I'm really in no position to judge." He shrugged and looked back at me still confused. His words and then the return of the bewildered face made me laugh again, but I managed to hold it down to a chuckle. I almost didn't explain what had happened, but we were both so sad about Peeta, I figured 'what the hell'.
"Effie walked in on us having sex in that tub over there." I blurted out with a grin and Haymitch's face ran the gambit from shocked that I would tell him that, to disappointed, to embarrassed and finally, I knew I had him when I saw the glint in his eyes and he snorted suddenly before dissolving into a fit of doubled over, full belly laughter.
It took almost a full 3 minutes for Haymitch to pull himself together and stop laughing and when he did, he resumed his position leaning back against the couch beside me and sighed wistfully.
"Man, do I wish I had been able to see her face." He said breaking into a new fit of silent chuckling. I started laughing too and leaned back against the couch again too, still smiling.
"She apologized….and wished us a good night…" I said biting my bottom lip to keep from laughing again. I couldn't help it though when the next thought popped into my head and I shared it with Haymitch. "I almost expected to find a hand written apology note and a fruit basket in our room this morning."
We both burst out laughing again and laughed until we cried. It was hard to tell by the time we were finished if the tears were from thinking of Effie interrupting mine and Peeta's intimate moment, or from thinking of Peeta possibly suffering up in the room by himself.
We sat in silence for so long that when Haymitch finally spoke, it startled me to the point I jumped a little bit. "I gave your head shrink a call. He's going to check in on Peeta shortly and then he'd like to talk to you if you're up for it." He said quietly and I sighed and snuggled deeper into the blanket.
"Yeah, sure. I guess that's alright." I whispered and wiped my nose on the edge of the blanket. Peeta usually called Dr. Aurelius within a day or two of his episodes and sometimes during them if they seemed to be lasting an exceptionally long time. It wasn't anything I thought I should be worried about but it was definitely a little weird to have him actually coming to visit us during one. I was understandably a little worried about what Peeta's reaction would be, especially since we were actually in the Capitol for this one.
Oh, Peeta.
I took a shuddering breath and felt unwelcomed tears stinging my eyes. "I'm worried it's going to be worse because we're not home. He needs to be home when he's having an episode. He should be home, not here." I rambled out and Haymitch wrapped his arm around my shoulders again loosely.
"I want to take him home, Haymitch." I said between sniffles. Haymitch rubbed my upper arm where his hand was resting and I pushed away from him slightly, feeling like he was patronizing me with false comfort. "I'm serious, I wanna go home!" I cried and he pulled me back over into his side with a huff.
"Stop your hollering, my hearing's just fine, kid." He said sounding exasperated and sat up to turn and hold me by my upper arms so that he could look into my face. "Now I want you to stop this and tell me what's wrong." Haymitch demanded but still with a hint of gentleness. "Are you really this worried about Peeta or is this just you being homesick?" He asked looking directly into my eyes. I tried to look away but Haymitch moved his head into my line of vision. He wouldn't allow me to look away from him.
"A little of both I guess." I finally admitted and he nodded slowly. If I had been completely honest, I would have told Haymitch that I was feeling just as overwhelmed with everything in the Capitol as Peeta was, only I didn't have the option of sinking into a hijacking episode, I just suffered quietly inside my own head while trying to seem completely normal on the outside. I did want to go home, but really only in the moment and because I felt that was where I could best take care of Peeta in the state he was in, and where I knew he would be most comfortable going through it.
He literally could not have been in a worse place to be having a hijacking episode than the Capitol.
I slumped back miserably on the couch and pulled the blanket over my face.
"That's what I thought." Haymitch said and I felt him sit back again as well. Say what you like about Haymitch, but he has always made a just about perfect person to commiserate with when needed. "Why don't you go outside with the girls and the baby for a bit?" Haymitch suggested referring to Annie's idea that we go for a walk and let baby Zale have his first snow experience. "The fresh air might do you some good."
I shifted under the blanket but didn't answer right away, instead choosing to shrug like a pouty child. I sometimes had a tendency to forget how strong Haymitch was despite his chronic drunkenness, so I was surprised when strong arms came up underneath both my armpits and the bend in my knees as I was unceremoniously lifted from the couch. I poked my head out through the top of the blankets, ready to give him hell, but Haymitch just told me to shut up before he carried me out of the room and back down the hall to the main living area.
"Haymitch, you put me down right now!" I hissed at him as we reached the long hall to all of the bedrooms. It was one thing for Haymitch to be verbally bossy with me, but it was something else entirely to be manhandled. I should have been more clear about the how of the putting me down statement because as soon as the words 'right now' were out of my moth, Haymitch dropped me flat on my ass in the middle of the hall.
I landed with an 'oof' before glaring up at him as he smirked down at me. "Done." Haymitch said proudly and pointed toward Annie and Johanna's end of the hall. "Now go borrow some warm clothes from one of the girls and get yourself outside in the fresh air." He said heading off in the direction of his own room.
"You know you could go against your better nature and join us if you'd like…" I called after him and Haymitch laughed as he turned to look at me, walking backwards.
"Sure, sure…I'll meet ya out there." He grinned and I rolled my eyes knowing that was about as likely as me taking flowers to place on President Snow's grave.
I got up and pulled the blanket around me better as I headed for Johanna's room first and found her pulling on warm outerwear. I asked her if I could borrow a jacket and some heavy pants and boots since my stuff was with Peeta back in the room.
She nodded to her closet and said "Have at it. I probably packed enough to stay here until summer…not that I'd ever want to." She added as she laced up her boots. "So did you figure out what set Peeta off? Haymitch told us that your doctor is stopping in to check up on him, see if he can do anything to help."
I found it both strange and endearing that Johanna seemed to genuinely care about how Peeta was doing. After treating me like dumb, annoying little sister for most of our relationship so far, it came as a surprise. A welcomed surprise, but still a surprise.
"Not sure," I said quietly as I pulled on the outerwear that most looked like it would fit me. "It's rarely ever one specific thing we can pinpoint that causes them. Sometimes, it seems like it's nothing at all…it just…happens." I shrugged and Johanna nodded silently and stared off across the room for a moment.
"Well," She finally said clearing her throat and speaking with a strong voice so as not to seem as in touch with her feelings as I knew she was becoming. "In any case, if he's not better by tonight, you're welcome to stay here. We'll make a girls night of it." She said smiling slightly. "Order a couple of bottles of wine from the kitchen, all the junk food we can eat and more importantly…" She said with a salacious grin. "…get you drunk enough to spill some details about bread boy and what I assume are his above average skills in the bedroom." She teased and I rolled my eyes and pulled my boots on.
"Shall we go find Annie and the baby for that walk now?" I asked sweetly and Johanna groaned as she stood from the end of her bed.
"Yeah sure, let's go." She sighed standing and pulling her coat on as she followed me to the bedroom door. "Plenty of time left in the day for me to convince you to share every sex-capade of the last year of your life." She said slapping me on the back as we headed next door to Annie's room.
Neither of us could hold in the laugh when Annie met us at the door with little Zale once again looking like a stuffed toy in his puffy snow suit, his beautiful green eyes the only things giving away that a human being was inside of it.
"He doesn't look that ridiculous, does he?" Annie asked with a nervous laugh and Johanna and I shook our heads smiling. We both knew Annie could still be very sensitive and sometimes had difficulty interpreting facial expressions and social cues that most people were able to understand inherently.
"He looks adorable, Annie." I said reaching out to take the baby from her and cuddling him close. "What we can see of him looks adorable that is." I chuckled and Annie and Johanna both followed suit. I passed him back to Annie who went on to explain that she was just being over cautious because it was so warm where they lived in District 4 most of the year and he wasn't used to this kind of weather.
"You'll have to come visit Peeta and I in 12 in the winter each year so that he at least gets to see some snow from time to time." I offered and Annie looked touched by my invitation. "You too Johanna, you guys know you're welcome any time you want." I said as we made our way down the hall toward the stairs. "I'm the one who needs special permission or an invitation from President Paylor herself in order to be able to leave my district." I joked and Annie and Johanna both looked anywhere but at my face as they each emitted a nervous laugh. I laughed, drawing both sets of eyes my way and smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry about it girls, I wouldn't leave District 12 regularly even if I wasn't basically under house arrest." I said stepping between them and hooking my arms through theirs playfully. Johanna chuckled and when I looked over to check that Annie had gotten my point, I saw her staring down the opposite hall where mine and Peeta's room was.
We all stopped at the top of the staircase, looking down the hall and easily spotting the door that stood apart from the rest with its small, but obvious decoration on the handle of the door.
I could sense Johanna's eyes on me in my peripheral vision as she shifted her gaze to my face.
"You good, Brainless?" She asked and I stared at the door for a moment longer before puffing out my chest and turning back to look down the stairs. A light snow was falling again in the late morning light I could see through the large window over the downstairs foyer. The outdoors. Yes, that was exactly what I needed right then.
"Yeah, I'm good. Let's go play in the snow." I said trying for a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes. I looked at Annie to my right and Johanna to my left and they both gave me encouraging smiles. The baby cooed from where he was cradled under Annie's opposite arm as we started down the steps and out the front door into the snow.
We spent the better part of the late morning and early afternoon walking the grounds of the estate that looked much bigger in back than it had from the front when Peeta and I first pulled up on the street several days before.
Avitus had managed to find an ornate child's sled stored away somewhere in the groundskeepers' shed and brought it out to us so that we could lay the baby in it and pull him along with us on the stroll. He even brought an extra blanket with it so that we could wrap the baby up and he wouldn't be jostled around quite so much.
I decided that if there were more people like Avitus in the Capitol, then perhaps I could find it in me to tolerate them a little more willingly.
We were enjoying walking and talking about what changes were happening in the districts we were living in so much that it was only when the baby woke from a mid-sled ride nap demanding his needs be taken care of that we realized how long we had been out.
"He probably needs a change and a feeding." Annie said scooping her son out of the sled which we propped by a tree for possible use later in the week.
"Yeah, I could go for a feeding myself." Johanna said touching her stomach lightly through her coat as we turned back for the house. I was definitely feeling better after some fresh air and conversation that wasn't focused on Peeta's episode or the Capitol, or the shared past that existed between the 3 of us.
"You'll have to find your own food Johanna," Annie joked as we reached the steps to the stone porch and stomped the snow off our feet. "I've only got enough for Zale, and that barely fills him…little piggie." She cooed and Johanna raised her hands.
"Easy there, District 4, I've been on solid foods for quite some time now." Johanna smirked and pulled the door open for the two of us to walk in ahead of her. Annie and I both laughed and we all kicked off our boots by the front door and hung our coats, scarves, hats and gloves up on several of the numerous coat hooks lining both sides of the door.
We were talking quietly over the sounds of the fussy baby as we headed for the stairs to the second floor when we stopped suddenly as Dr. Aurelius came down them casually.
"Good afternoon ladies." He said with a pleasant smile. "Still a nip in the air out there, I see by the looks of your red cheeks and noses." He said meeting us on the bottom step. Annie adjusted Zale in her arms as he had begun to cry a little more earnestly.
"How's Peeta?" She asked before I could even manage to force the same words to my lips.
We all looked at the doctor expectantly and he pursed his lips briefly, not giving anything away before his eyes slid to mine.
"He's doing well, all things considered." He said and turned bodily toward me, his gaze dropping briefly and telling me that he had bad news. "I'd like you to keep away from your room the rest of the day at least, Katniss and possibly sleep somewhere else tonight. Peeta doesn't seem aggressive right now, but he is having a lot of difficulty sorting the hijacked memories from the real ones. He's irritable, a little edgy, and confused." He said shaking his head and looking between the three of us. "As you can imagine, that's not a very good combination." He said with a wince and then straightened his shoulders professionally and looked at me.
"Would you mind if we talked a little, Katniss? Avitus was just making me a bite to eat, you could join me in the dining room after you change." He offered with a pleasant smile, but I got the sense he was scheduling an appointment rather than inviting me to a meal. I nodded with a tight smile.
"Sure, I'll be right down." I said already heading up the steps with Annie and Johanna not far behind.
We waited until the doctor was out of sight as he headed to the dining room before we spoke again at the top of the steps.
"What do you think he wants?" I asked quietly as we reached Annie's door and Johanna opened it to let her in with the fussy baby. "Based on my own history with the head-shrinking types, I got the distinct impression that he wants to drill you for information." Johanna said as we headed next door to her room and began changing into dry clothes.
I really hoped that wasn't the case. Honestly, there wasn't much helpful information about Peeta's episodes that I could provide Dr. Aurelius with. They were sporadic, few and far between lately, but certainly not gone completely and sometimes Peeta still had a great deal of difficulty remembering things from childhood. It was hard enough to watch happen in person, I hoped that the doctor wouldn't ask me to relive the awful memories I possessed as the person witness to more of these hijacking episodes than anyone else.
I thanked Johanna for the change of clothes and she wished me luck as I headed back downstairs and made my way to the dining room. Dr. Aurelius was standing by the windows, looking out at the snow and holding his glasses in his hands as he cleaned one of the lenses with a cloth. He turned and smiled softly at me as I entered the room and moved to stand behind a chair at the table filled with food. Avitus had gone all out.
"How was your walk?" he asked holding the glasses up to the light and inspecting them carefully before he began buffing the other lens. I shrugged and drummed my fingers gently on the back of the chair where I was holding onto it.
"It was nice to get outside and to talk to Annie and Johanna for a bit." I said and smiled thinking of Zale's reaction to Annie placing his hands in the cold snow. "The baby was funny with the snow." I said and Dr. Aurelius chuckled softly as he walked over to the table and gestured for me to sit, which I did and he followed.
"I'm sure he was." He said softly as he began filling his plate. I did the same and we sat in silence for a few minutes when we began eating our lunch, each waiting to see who would be the first to speak.
"Well, aren't you going to ask me something about Peeta?" I blurted out when I'd finished half a bowl of stew and three quarters of a sliced sandwich.
The doctor looked up, surprised at my outburst. He narrowed his eyes at me as he finished chewing the food in his mouth and gently wiped the corners of his lips with a napkin. "What makes you think I'm going to ask you about Peeta?" He asked and I put the spoon I was using down in my bowl and raised my eyebrows at him.
I looked at the dining room door and back to the doctor. "Well…but…you came to check on Peeta because he's having an episode…" Dr. Aurelius cut me off mid-sentence.
"I know it's hard for you to remember when you only respond to roughly every other phone call I make to you, Katniss, but I am your doctor as well." He said with a smirk and I slouched back into my chair a little bit and felt my cheeks flush. "What made you think automatically that I wanted to talk about Peeta?" He asked sitting back in his own chair and sipping tea from a teacup casually.
Of coruse, I knew this question was a set up so I answered as honestly as I could. "Because…every minute of every day there's a small but relentless part of my brain that never stops thinking about Peeta and everything he's been through." I said quietly and took a shaky sip of my own tea.
The doctor nodded and dug back into his own lunch. "I think what you're trying to say is that part of you feels immensely guilty for Peeta's condition." He said and I raised my eyes to his and nodded slowly.
"Of course I do. He was taken from the arena by the Captiol, tortured and hijacked all because of me." I said irately. "I'm sure they figured out very early on that he knew nothing about the plot to get us out of the arena so the only reason for the torture was to hurt me by hurting him." I said shaking my head slightly. "And…and then they turned him into a weapon whose sole purpose was to find and kill me." I narrowed my eyes angrily at my stew and put my spoon down again. I'd suddenly lost my appetite.
"Yes, they did." Dr. Aurelius said simply. "President Snow had all of those things done to Peeta in order to make your life and his as miserable as possible, because that's what President Snow did to victors, Katniss." He said leaning forward in his chair a little to try and catch my eye. "That's what he did to Finnick, to Haymitch, to any victor he deemed even the slightest bit dangerous. You aren't alone Katniss. You shouldn't ever feel like you're the only one that this type of thing happened to, alright?" he asked and I raised my eyes to his finally. "Look at Finnick for instance." He said with a sad look in his eyes. "Not only did he make him a Capitol prostitute, but you don't think Annie's name was pulled in the Quarter Quell by accident before Mags volunteered for her, do you?" he asked and I gasped softly as the realization that Annie had been chosen first in the Quarter Quell reaping.
"That's what he wanted. For all of you to feel singled out. Responsible for the horrors your choices brought down on yourselves and your loved ones. I think you can agree that there was never any real victor in 75 years of the Hunger Games except for the Capitol." He challenged and I nodded slowly, fighting angry tears that were forcing their way to my eyes. Dr. Aurelius continued, seeing that I was nearing the revelation he wanted me to come to. "Put 24 children in an arena together and make them fight to the death. 23, or as in the case of your first games, 22 die and the victor or victors are left in varying states of emotional trauma for the rest of their lives. That's called a win-win for the Capitol." He said with an anger that surprised me coming from a born and bred Captiol citizen.
Touched by his understanding and outrage, I allowed a few hot tears to break free and slide down my cheeks. He was right, of course. There were no real victors in the Hunger Games. I thought of Haymitch who couldn't sleep in the dark and could only do so in the daytime with a bottle in one hand and a knife in the other. It was always the Capitol who won in the end.
"What happened with the victors after the Games is what we call in academia a…self-fulfilling prophecy." He stated and I narrowed my eyes in confusion. "What that means is that the Capitol leads you all to believe that whatever has happened to you, your friends, your families, is of your own making until you believe it yourselves, without question."
I sat back in my chair a little and looked out the window with a sigh. "Haymitch said something like that to me once. He…he told me that after he used the force field to win his Games, his family and girlfriend were killed. That what happened to them on top of the trauma from his time in the arena led to the drinking and…well, and the way he is most of the time now." I said with a small, sad smile which the doctor understood and returned.
Despite the generally cantankerous person Haymitch presented himself to the world as, those of us closest to him knew just how deeply he cared about others. Aside from the trauma in his Games, it was the reason he needed to numb himself with liquor. To regularly destroy those feelings to prevent him from caring too much about anyone ever again. Especially the 2 children every year for 25 years that he mentored in the Games. Obviously, it hadn't worked very well in the case of Peeta and myself.
"Well, then Haymitch is a very self-actualized person." Dr. Aurelius said with a small smirk. "Perhaps not exactly self-actualized in the most positive of ways, but it works for him." He said with a shrug and picked up his teacup again.
I nodded and looked out the window again. "So what you're trying to say is, I need to reach a point where I can accept that what's in the past is the past and I can't do anything to change it?" I asked folding my arms defensively over my chest.
"Essentially." The doctor said setting his teacup down with a clink. "I want you to be able to accept it, but I don't want you to forget it, Katniss. There's a difference between repressing upsetting events, and using them to guide your future decisions so that they don't repeat themselves." He explained and reached over to place a hand on top of mine on the table gently.
"You're never going to be able to love Peeta the way I think you want to if you continue to build it on a foundation of pity and some misguided sense of obligation to him. You do love him. You probably have ever since he threw you that bread in the rain when you were children. It was a…different kind of love then, but it's completely understandable that you would have strong feelings, even for a boy you'd never formally met, when he'd done something so selfless and compassionate for you. Those are traits any girl would be looking for in a potential mate, even if she didn't recognize them in that way as an 11-year-old child." I hated to admit that what he was saying made some sense. I hated even more to admit to myself that some of what I felt for Peeta did come from a place of misguided obligation. I did, however, know that I didn't want it to be that way anymore.
"Okay…so how do I fix it?" I asked reaching up to wipe my eyes subtly.
Dr. Aurelius smiled widely at me. "You already are fixing it Katniss, don't you see?" he said tilting his head to the side as if I was some strange creature to be studied. "You moved from allowing him into your bed at night for comfort and to help keep both of your nightmares at bay, to making a home with him, to developing what, as far as I can tell based on what you and Peeta have felt comfortable sharing with me, is a healthy, mutually enjoyed sexual relationship." I flushed at this and rubbed the back of my neck nervously. "Unless I'm wrong and you've somehow been unwillingly coerced into that part of your relationship?" he asked and my head snapped in his direction and I shook my head vehemently.
"No! No…I was…it was actually me who initiated that part. Peeta would never have made the first move." I smiled softly and looked toward the door to the hallway. "He would have waited forever for me to be ready." I said quietly and turned my attention back to the doctor.
"Exactly." He said with a smile. "Because he loves you Katniss. Without pretense or condition, he loves you." I felt something warm and tingly rush from my head to my toes at his words and the tears returned, but this time, they were from happiness and something else sweet and a little sad that I couldn't quite put my finger on yet.
"I know he does." I whispered and wiped my eyes again. I expected Dr. Aurelius to say something more, but he just let that hang in the air for a long moment until, unexpectedly, I asked a question that had probably been nagging at me since that night of the interviews in the first Games, when Peeta first declared his love for me. One that had been nagging at me for certain since Peeta told me about how he watched me going home each day from school. Even since we had begun living together as lovers and running a business together.
"Why?" I asked barely audible and dropped my eyes to my dish as more tears began to fall faster down my face.
Dr. Aurelius leaned in toward me and squeezed my hand. "Peeta's right Katniss. You really don't know the affect you have on people, do you?" he said softly with a sad smile. He shrugged and laughed softly, but not in a way that made me feel like he was making fun of me.
"The heart wants what it wants, dear." He said gently. "What Peeta sees when he looks at you is a lovely, brave young woman who would do anything to protect the people she loves. He sees someone who is independent and not afraid to say what she's thinking, and I think he finds it…refreshing. You aren't like anyone he's ever met before. You're a fighter. You aren't willing to accept things the way they are, you want to make them better." He smiled again and sat back in his chair with a sigh. "Despite what you seem to think about yourself, Katniss, you are something of an optimist. You don't owe it to Prim, or to Finnick, or any number of people you lost in the war to get better. You owe it to you and you alone to allow yourself to be happy with Peeta." He said with a note of finality that told me his speech was over.
He was telling me the opposite of what both Haymitch and I had been telling ourselves since we all fell into this mess together; he was telling me that I did deserve the boy with the bread. That I was worthy of the affection he so effortlessly gave to me.
That warm thing I felt a few minutes earlier began to course through my body again, and this time, it made me want to go to him even more than I usually did when he was caught up in an episode. And it wasn't because I felt obligated to, or guilty for why he was in that state, it was because I loved him more than anyone on the earth and wanted to be there for him when he needed me most.
This revelation made me both astoundingly happy, and devastatingly sad within a matter of moments. I had finally realized how much I truly loved my guy, but could do absolutely nothing to show it to him until his episode was over.
As if he could read my mind, Dr. Aurelius pushed away from the table and stood from his chair, walking over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "Finish your lunch, go back to Johanna and Annie's rooms and make an attempt at some girl talk." He smiled and I looked up at him, nodding slightly and smiled.
"Thank you, Doc." I said clearing my throat and wiping my nose with my napkin. "Maybe I can make a better effort to answer your calls every week from now on." I mumbled and Dr. Aurelius actually laughed at that.
"Well, I'd certainly appreciate it Katniss, but you've taken a big leap today in changing your way of thinking. Let's just take your recovery in steps from here on, shall we?" he said and I laughed softly myself and nodded in agreement.
I walked him to the door and watched him get into a car and drive off with a promise to call and check on us in the morning. I sincerely hoped that I would have good news to share when he did.
When I made my way back to Johanna's room, I found it empty but heard voices next door in Annie's room and assumed she had gone over there. When I knocked softly, Johanna opened the door and ushered me in when she saw my still puffy eyes and asked what was wrong.
"Nothing, just…had a good talk with the doctor is all and it made me really want to see Peeta." I said trying to brush off her concern. "Thanks for asking though." I said with a grateful smile and walked over to the window seat where Annie was changing the baby's diaper.
"He's been up since the end of our walk, I should really try and keep him up for a bit longer so that he'll take a nice nap this afternoon." She said leaning over and kissing Zale's belly which made him squeal. "Though to be honest, I could really use a nap after all of that walking." She chuckled and I shrugged.
"I can watch him for a bit if you want to lie down, Annie." I offered and Annie raised her eyebrows. "Yeah, Johanna can help, we'll take him next door to her room and play." I said and Johanna folded her arms behind Annie and glared at me. When Annie turned her head, Johanna quickly slapped a smile on her face and nodded.
"Yeah sure, we'll…do something with him…you get some rest." She said and narrowed her eyes at me when Annie turned back to me again. I had to fight a chuckle at the look on Johanna's face.
"Oh, well…that'd be wonderful! Thank you so much." She said handing me the baby and flitting around the room gathering up supplies for him. She dropped the large bag stuffed with toys, diapers and other baby odds and ends into Johanna's arms as we headed for the bedroom door.
"We takin' him for the afternoon or the month?" Johanna mumbled and I rolled my eyes at her while Annie gave the baby kisses good-bye and thanked us again.
When we made our way over to Johanna's room, I set the baby down propped up against the pillows at the head of the bed and he stared at the two of us expectantly.
"You're changing the diapers since you volunteered us to take him." Johanna said suddenly and I waved a hand at her. "Get some toys out of the bag will ya?" I asked and Johanna sighed and went to retrieve the bag from where she dropped it by the door.
We spent the rest of the afternoon entertaining the baby while Annie napped. Even Johanna had to admit when Annie finally came over to get the baby after she woke up, that Zale was a very content baby.
We met up with Effie and Haymitch for dinner back in the dining room and the embarrassment of the night before seemed to have worn off for Effie considering what was going on with Peeta since then.
"Have you checked on him since this morning?" I asked Haymitch when we were having dessert and after we had managed to find anything else to talk about for the entirety of the meal so far.
Haymitch nodded as he popped spoonfuls of sorbet into his mouth. "I did, this afternoon." He said simply and raised his eyes to mine. "The doctor gave him a…something of a project to work on. Channel his emotions into something positive or some such thing." He said and shrugged his shoulders.
"A painting?" I asked curious and Haymitch shook his head and licked his spoon clean as Effie looked on disapprovingly at his lack of manners.
"No, something to write I believe." He said pushing away from his chair. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to take a quick walk around outside, check on the boy and return to my room to spend the rest of the evening with a very nice bottle of rum I found in the kitchen." I had to stifle a smile when he turned to Effie and hooked his thumbs in the pockets of the vest he was wearing. "Care to take a little moonlit stroll with an unmannered old goat? There might be some rum to warm you up at the end of the walk." He said holding out a gentlemanly hand.
Annie, Johanna and I exchanged playful smiles as we waited for Effie to answer. "Oh…oh alright, I suppose some fresh air would be nice." She said letting Haymitch help her up.
"Have a good night girls, and I do hope Peeta is feeling better Katniss." Effie said touching my cheek gently.
"Thank you, Effie. Have a good night yourself…" I said and wagged my eyebrows at Haymitch who made a face at me that made me laugh. They headed off together leaving Annie, Johanna and I at the table with Zale whining for his bedtime meal.
"Alright…"Johanna whispered conspiratorially. "Odair, you go feed the kid and put him to bed, Katniss and I will grab the wine and junk food and meet you in your room in a half hour." She said and pointed at Annie when she started to protest. "Hey, we watched your ankle biter for the afternoon so you could sleep and be able to hang out with us tonight! There is no way you're bailing!" Johanna warned and Annie groaned but then laughed and nodded.
"Alright, well we just can't be too loud so he stays asleep." She said and stood from the table patting her son's little back as she raised him to her shoulder.
Johanna and I slipped off to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine a few bags of salty snacks, and a half a chocolate cake from the fridge before we went up to her room and I again imposed on her to borrow a pair of pajamas.
"Would you stop apologizing, Brainless? You can borrow my stuff, it's no big deal." She said coming out of her bathroom in a large t-shirt and boy shorts underwear.
"Sorry, just force of habit I guess." I cringed. "I feel like I'm always putting Haymitch out when I need to stay at his place or send him over to mine when Peeta's…like this." I said taking the pajama pants and shirt Johanna had given me to wear into the bathroom to change.
"You need to get over that girly." Johanna said through the door as I changed. I rolled my eyes and nodded even though she couldn't see me do so through the door.
"So I've been told." I called back and re-braided my hair before opening the door. Johanna tossed me the bags of snacks and handed me the plate with the chocolate cake on it while she picked up the bottle of wine and 3 glasses we'd grabbed from the kitchen. We each grabbed a pillow from the bed and carried everything with us as we went to Annie's room and gently pushed the door open.
She was lying on the bed still nursing the baby who was nearly asleep. Johanna climbed onto the bed, stretching out across the bottom gently and I took the side of the bed Annie wasn't on, tucking my pillow under my head and reaching out to stroke one of Zale's soft tan legs.
We all stayed quiet until Annie gently slipped off of the bed and carried the baby over to the crib across the room and set him down. She stroked a finger over his cheek a few times as he wiggled and then stilled as sleep overtook him.
When she came back to the bed, Johanna was already holding a glass of wine out to her. "I shouldn't drink this Johanna, I'm nursing." She said but took the glass and climbed under the covers on her side and I did the same.
"One glass won't hurt, besides he'll probably sleep pretty good for you during his naps tomorrow if you drink it." Johanna said in a loud whisper and grinned at both Annie and myself.
Johanna folded back some of the comforter that was folded down at the bottom of the bed and snuggled into it on her side, her head propped up on one elbow so that she could see the two of us. I took a sip of my own wine and Johanna started passing around the plate of cake and a fork which I assumed we were all meant to share.
Girl bonding. Right.
"Okay, so let's get to it then shall we?" She said sweetly and took a long sip of her wine.
I just looked at her, puzzled and then to Annie who was smiling knowingly but also looking a little embarrassed.
"Get to what?" I asked fluffing my pillow behind my back and tenting my knees under the blankets so that I could rest the cake plate on them while I took a forkful.
Johanna rolled her eyes dramatically and sat up, pulling the comforter around her shoulders and sitting cross-legged. "Are you kidding me? Since the last time I saw you, you've built a bakery which you own with Peeta, moved in with him, and become a sexual being…I want details, like now." She said nodding excitedly.
"Details?" I asked nervously and passed the plate to Annie who sat up with her back against her pillows like I was sitting. I was pretty sure I didn't like the direction this particular corridor of girl talk was heading.
"Yeah, yeah…like when did it first happen? What did you say? What did he say? Where were you? Come on, Everdeen…I'm still too screwed up to handle a relationship at this point in time, I have to live vicariously, so spill!" Johanna said biting her bottom lip excitedly.
I groaned and dropped my head back onto the pillow behind me, reaching for my wine glass and taking a hearty gulp. "Well…it was about 3 months after Peeta came back to 12…" I began and rolled my eyes again when I saw even Annie leaning in closer to me, hanging on every word.
"He started having the episodes and came up with the idea of hanging the X on the door as a way of letting me know when he was having one or even when he felt like one might be coming on. I told them how I thought it was silly but he and Haymitch convinced me that it was the right thing to do if I wanted to protect myself and Peeta. We tried getting back into our old routines, me hunting, Peeta baking and that helped us a lot, but we still needed each other at night." I said and looked between Johanna and Annie. "You know, for the nightmares?" I asked and they both nodded solemnly and then tried to smile again.
"Anyway, we kind of slowly moved Peeta in with me over a few months. He still baked in the kitchen of his old house, but we spent every night together and well…one day we were asleep in bed in the early afternoon and just sort of…woke up kissing and touching each other." I mumbled and Johanna nodded sagely and threw me a sly wink. "Nothing happened that day, but it…I guess kind of woke something up inside of us that reminded us we did have those type of feelings for each other." I said taking the plate from Johanna for my second shot at the cake. I ate another forkful before continuing with my story.
"And then?" Johanna said scooting closer up the bed toward Annie and me and wrapping her arms around her knees like a child listening to a suspenseful story beside a campfire.
"And then…well, there was this day where Peeta had a particularly bad episode and stayed at Haymitch's for the night. I went to check on him in the morning and we took a shower together…and…well, and we…touched each other." I murmured shyly and Johanna clapped her hands together gleefully.
"Johanna, keep it down! The baby!" Annie hissed at her and then to my surprise, turned more fully to me and smiled widely. "And then what?" she whispered and it was mine and Johanna's turn to chuckle. Annie blushed slightly and bit her bottom lip as she swatted at Johanna with one of the throw pillows from the bed.
"Just touched each other? What do you mean, you got each other off?" Johanna asked bluntly and I felt my cheeks flush even more as I brought my hands up to cover them.
"Nice." Johanna said grinning wider. "I can't believe you were able to hold off on having sex when you were naked in the shower together though. That's pretty damned impressive." She said shaking her head from side to side, amazed.
"Well, we were in Haymitch's house, it was weird enough that we did what we did in the shower. We weren't ready to do anything else yet anyway, we didn't really know what we were doing…" I argued as Johanna refilled our glasses.
Johanna nodded and set the bottle down on the nightstand as she leaned back on her pillows that she had propped on the footboard. "Well obviously considering what I heard the other day, you figured it out." She smirked and Annie giggled quietly as I felt my cheeks heat once again.
"You know, no one asked you to be hanging out outside of our bedroom door Johanna, jeez." I mumbled and she rolled her eyes and tossed the little pillow Annie had thrown at her my way.
"Hey, don't sweat it, brainless, that was a compliment. I'm not making fun of you…much." She teased and I huffed and took a sip of my wine.
Being unfamiliar with girl talk as I was, I decided to try and lighten up a little. Johanna and Annie were just curious about how the 'real' story of the star-crossed lovers from District 12 unfolded. They seemed genuinely interested in finding out how we were brought back together after such awful circumstances.
I nodded and shrugged my shoulders. "Alright…well…then Peeta told me about his idea to rebuild the bakery and I was so happy for him and excited, and he asked me if I would help him with designing it and picking out the equipment and decorating so we got really wrapped up in that for a while." I shrugged again and looked between Annie and Johanna's expectant faces. "And…I mean, nothing happened for quite a bit after that. We were just so tired every night when we got in from working on the bakery…" I trailed off and Johanna nodded and shifted her position so that she was sitting forward.
"Sure, sure…so when did it happen?!" She asked loudly and Annie hushed her again and glanced over at the baby in his crib. He kicked his legs out once as if startled and then settled back into sleep.
I waited a few seconds to make sure the baby was really asleep, and maybe a little bit for dramatic affect, before I continued.
"Well, Haymitch was over for dinner this one night looking over the plans for the bakery for us and we were in the kitchen doing the dishes…" I said and bit my lip as I thought of that night. "Peeta came up behind me at the sink and started kissing my neck and I could…feel that he was excited." I whispered and Annie got a sad but starry-eyed look on her face which I assumed meant she was remembering a similar incident with Finnick.
I looked back to Johanna to give Annie a minute to compose herself and went on. "So we kinda kicked Haymitch out and were cleaning up the living room for the night and Peeta gave me this necklace while we were cuddling in the recliner." I said holding the pearl out from where it hung on my chest. "Peeta gave this to me in the Quarter Quell arena and I somehow managed to keep it when I was rescued by the rebels. I carried it around with me everywhere in the hospital in 12." I said softly and brought it to my lips, sliding it back and forth a few times lightly. "I used to kiss it and pretend it was Peeta's lips while the Capitol had him. Now I do it when he's having an episode." I said rolling it a few more times for good measure.
Annie and Johanna were both leaning forward with their elbows on their knees, their chins resting against the heels of their hands as they cupped their cheeks. I rolled my eyes a little and sighed. "and…then we started kissing, and some clothes started coming off so Peeta carried me up to our bedroom and…" I shrugged and looked towards the door, embarrassed. "We made love." I said picking at the blankets over my legs.
There was a long silence during which I began to feel embarrassed again until I looked up disapprovingly at Johanna's next comment.
"So how big is he?"
"Johanna!" Annie gasped and folded her arms. "That's none of our business!" She said scowling at her and then turned to me. "Don't answer that, Katniss, she's just being rude." Annie said turning her head to scowl at Johanna again.
I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. "I wouldn't know what to tell you anyway, I've never been with anyone but Peeta so I have nothing to compare him to." I said smiling softly. "I'll just say that he's perfect for me and leave it at that." I said with a single nod and Annie smirked at Johanna.
"You're so gross Johanna." She said resting back on her pillows again and sipping her original glass of wine.
"Oh please!" Johanna whispered loudly. "You told me plenty of carnal, descriptive detail about a few of yours and Finnick's hot and heavy encounters!" She said wagging her eyebrows and Annie gasped as I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"Annie…wow, I didn't think you had it in you." I giggled. Yes, I actually giggled. Annie's cheeks turned red and she suddenly became very flustered as she set her wineglass down and folded her arms over her chest.
"Oh, she sure had it in her." Johanna cackled. "On Finnick's father's fishing boat, on the beach between the sand dunes…"
"Johanna!" Annie screeched and pulled the pillow from behind her head and pitched it at Johanna. Johanna deflected it with another cackle and fell over sideways on the bed laughing. I couldn't help laughing too. Unfortunately, in our fun we had all forgotten about the baby sleeping a few feet away until his little arms and legs shot out again and he began to cry.
"Ooops." Johanna said covering her mouth but still grinning as Annie got up and went to scoop Zale out of his crib. He curled into her neck as she carried him back to the bed and climbed in, settling him under the covers with her and rocking him in the crook of her arm.
The baby stared up at her grouchily making the three of us laugh. "Wow Annie, I just can't…I can't get over how much he looks like Finnick." I said leaning over to look at Zale's face more closely. "He's so cute." I said pouting out my bottom lip and reaching over to stroke the baby's impossibly tiny toes.
"Thinking of poppin' out a few little Mellarks yourself, Katniss?" Johanna asked and I shook my head quickly and sat back up against the pillows.
"We're only 19." I said defensively and saw Annie smiling out of the corner of my eye. It was the same lame excuse I had given her when she asked me the same question.
Sensing this was a sensitive subject, Johanna took the high road for once and changed the subject back to mine and Peeta's sexual exploits. I told them about Peeta freaking out over the blood on the sheets, about the second slow, sweet time in the morning and didn't even leave out the whole debacle with Gale coming to visit and sending Peeta into a 4 day episode.
I told them about the lake, and the backyard under the stars and about Peeta painting my body. I even told them about the new experience in the trailer on the way to the Capitol and they howled, waking the baby up again, when I told them about Effie walking in on us the second time we tried having sex that way in the hot tub.
When we all settled down and had gotten the baby back to sleep, we moved on to more tame topics as the night went on. I found myself actually enjoying girl talk which may have been the most surprising revelation of the evening.
Johanna talked about a guy she was seeing (casually, she claimed but I could see a hint of that look in her eyes that I had when talking about Peeta) back home. I was telling them about how well the bakery was doing and about Peeta running the baking classes for children on the weekend to make sure that every child in the District would be able to feed themselves if need be, when Johanna and Annie both looked at me with big smiles.
We were all curled up on the bed, drifting in and out of sleep occasionally and I looked between the two of them curiously.
"What?" I asked propping my head up on an elbow with a yawn. It was almost 2 in the morning.
"Nothing." Johanna said looking at Annie and smiling again. "You guys are just so damn cute it makes me want to puke." She teased and I dropped my head back onto the pillow with a chuckle.
"We're not…cute…we're…" I waved a hand in front of me, searching for the right word to describe our relationship. Before I could find it, a familiar voice supplied it from the doorway making all three of us gasp.
"Happy."
Peeta. He was standing in the doorway of the bedroom leaning against the jam with his arms folded over his chest. He looked tired but I didn't see anything to indicate he wasn't completely over the hijacking episode. I climbed off the bed with tears in my eyes and strode across the room.
"Very, very happy…most of the time." He said laughing as he caught me when I jumped up into his arms and wrapped my own around his neck, holding him close.
"You're okay?" I asked through my tears and buried my nose in his neck, breathing in the scent of him. Peeta rubbed his hands up and down my back and set me back down on my feet. He pulled back and looked down into my eyes.
"For sure." He smiled and kissed me soundly. I was so lost in the kiss that I almost didn't hear the identical sighs from Johanna and Annie behind me. I turned my head slowly and they were both sitting on the edge of the bed closest to us, Annie hugging the baby close in her arms and Johanna holding a pillow to her chest tightly as they watched us.
"Alright, alright…show's over." I said leaning into Peeta's side and looping my arms around his waist as he rocked me back and forth. "We were all starting to fall asleep anyway." I said and went back over to the bed and gave Annie and Johanna each a quick hug and kissed the baby on the head gently so that I wouldn't wake him again.
As I looked up from the baby, I saw Johanna staring curiously across the room. When I followed her gaze I reached out and smacked her on the knee. "Stop looking at his crotch!" I hissed and Johanna folded her arms and frowned. "Hey! He got to see my stuff!" She complained and Peeta smirked as I walked back over to him and he put an arm around my shoulders.
"Yeah, I did. Didn't want to though." He said smacking a kiss on my cheek.
Annie wished us a good night and we headed out the door together and back down the hall to our room.
"Seriously, you're okay?" I asked when we stopped outside of our bedroom door and I wrapped my arms around his waist again. Peeta nodded and leaned down to kiss me gently once, twice and then wrapped his arms around me and deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth to rub lightly against mine. I moaned softly and slid my hands down to his lower back, bunching his shirt in my hands tightly.
"Guess that answers that question." I teased when we pulled back finally. "I talked to Dr. Aurelius this afternoon. It was a good talk." I said smiling softly up at him and reaching up to stroke his cheek. "How was your talk with him?" I asked, curious about this special project he'd been given. "Haymitch said he gave you something to do? A…a writing or something?" I asked and kissed his jaw lightly.
Peeta nodded and turned his head to kiss a line down my neck to the little dip between my collar bones. "A speech for the memorial tomorrow." He mumbled and slid one hand up between us to untie the pajama pants I was wearing. "He thought with the way I gave speeches so well during the Victory Tour that I might be a good choice to speak at the dedication of the Hunger Games memorial tomorrow." He said with a shrug and I reached for the handle behind me and pushed open the door.
"That's a great idea." I said tugging him in with me and shutting the door. "It's actually kinda perfect." I smiled and started un-tucking his shirt from his pants and pulled it over his head.
Peeta smiled back and leaned down to kiss me again and slipped his hands into the back of my pants to cup my ass. I groaned against his lips when he started kneading it and I pushed my hips into his, grinding against the zipper of his pants.
"You know what else would be perfect?" Peeta murmured against my lips as I slid my hands all over his newly bare chest and back. I pulled back and looked up into his face. We were both already breathing heavy and our cheeks were flushed, our lips swollen from kissing.
"Take me to bed, Peeta." I whispered biting my bottom lip gently. He nodded enthusiastically and scooped me up in his arms.
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." He grunted and threw me onto the bed making me squeal. He climbed onto the bed with me after pushing his pants to the ground and I was already kicking my pants away and pulling the t-shirt over my head.
"Hey, hey…let me catch up." Peeta chuckled and leaned over me, pressing his hips into me as he kissed me again and I could feel his erection straining against my belly through his boxers. I reached down and slipped my hand into his shorts, gripping him tightly and working him with my hand as we kissed sloppily, hurrying toward what we both wanted so badly after being apart all day.
Peeta sobbed a moan against my cheek, the hot air of his breath only making me more excited. I grunted myself when he slid a hand up to massage first one then the other breast as he continued to thrust into my hand as I touched him.
"You ready?" he asked in that raspy voice that always came out of him during sex and I nodded and squeezed him through one last stroke all the way from the tip to the base. Peeta hissed and slid the hand that had been touching my chest quickly down the middle of my body, over my sternum, my navel and plunged 2 fingers straight into me, moaning at just how ready he found me.
"Ohh..Kat…" he gasped and I pushed the front of his shorts down just enough to free his erection and dropped my legs open around him as he lined his hips up to enter me.
"Peeta!" I cried digging my fingers into his backside as he thrust hard straight up into me. We both stilled for a moment, taking in the feeling of being joined again and I kissed from one of Peeta's shoulders across his neck and upper chest to the other shoulder as we caught our breath.
"I love you, Katniss." He whispered shakily when I looked up into his face as he remained buried inside of me still not moving yet. I reached up and brushed his bangs out of his eyes, running my knuckles down the side of his face and smiling lovingly at him.
"I love you too, Peeta. So, so much baby." I whispered and moved my hands to grip his sides and raised my hips to let him know I wanted him to start moving. Peeta lowered his lips to mine and whispered 'so much' back to me as he slowly but steadily began to build a rhythm between us.
I raised my hips so that they met his as he thrust forward, pushing him deeper and deeper each time and drawing moan after moan from my lips. Our lips fell away from each others as he sped up even more and wrapped his arms around my torso, pulling me up as he sat back on the mattress with his legs behind me and I began to rock my hips faster and faster and wrapped my arms around Peeta's neck. Our sweaty stomachs slapped together driving us closer to our orgasms.
I needed only to thread my fingers through the hair on the back of his head, tugging gently but firmly and Peeta thrust once more upwards and stilled as I felt him explode hard inside of me. He grabbed onto my hips, digging his fingers into them as he raised and lowered me until I screamed out his name with me own powerful orgasm and we collapsed together at the bottom of the bed.
"Yowser." Peeta panted as he drew silly designs on my back in the sheen of sweat that was covering both of us.
I turned my head so that my chin was on his chest and smiled, still catching my breath.
"No kidding." I chuckled and kissed his chin once gently before sliding off of him and pulling the turned down blankets over us.
"Don't you wanna move back up to the pillows where you'll be more comfortable?" Peeta asked wrapping me in his arms so that my head was resting on his upper arm. I pulled back and reached up to stroke his hair back from his forehead again and shook my head.
"I've never been more comfortable than I am right at this very moment." I answered honestly and Peeta gave me one of his thousand watt smiles and snuggled into the mattress.
"Night Katniss." He whispered threading one of his legs through both of mine comfortably. I wrapped one arm across his chest and kissed the bicep my head was resting on.
"Night Peet." I whispered back and fell asleep wrapped safe and sound in the arms of the man I loved.