Interlude 3

There has never been a time in the past 20 some odd years where being behind the door with the red X on the handle has been easy. when Katniss and I were younger and it was just the two of us and Haymitch to think about, part of my suffering was due to the hijacked thoughts, of course, but there was another part of the experience that was equally, if not more, painful-

-Knowing what it was doing to the people I cared about most to see what I was going through, and being helpless to stop it.

I know by the look on her face when I finally emerge from the bedroom after one that it has never gotten easier for Katniss to know that I still have episodes where I feel like I want to harm her, or have thoughts that cast doubt on her love for me. I've tried many times to tell her that she needs to stop shouldering all of the blame every time I'm behind that door but I've stopped doing so in recent years because this particular conversation usually leads to a fight. A little before Bow was born we agreed to disagree on this.

Little did either of us know, with the birth of that beautiful baby girl would come an entirely different, but equally painful sense of guilt to weigh on my own conscience when I realized being away from Katniss during an episode also meant being away from my little girl who needed her mother for nearly everything in those first several months.

There were nights with several wake ups to feed Bow when I'm sure it would have been nice for Katniss to have someone to pass off the diaper changes, the rocking to sleep, or the seemingly endless loop walking around the house when Bow was colicy and took hours to get back down. I would hear her awaken with a cry and get up only to realize I was alone in the bed and Katniss and Bow were across the hall in the nursery together. We had placed a bed in there for Katniss to sleep in on the nights I had to be alone. It was heartbreaking to hear my baby crying and not being able to do anything to help her or to make the job easier on Katniss.

Like any parent I would then over compensate for the time I missed by jumping up to attend to every little noise she made at night or changing her if I noticed her diaper was even the slightest bit wet. Katniss finally had to sit me down and gently explain that this was, in a way, less helpful because the baby then expected to be held every minute of the day and screamed if her diapering and feeding needs weren't immediately met. We worked this out by Katniss choosing to start pumping milk for Bow when she was about 2 months old so that I could feed her sometimes too with the bottled milk and feel more included in her day to day care.

By the time Katniss was pregnant with Finn, Bow was a toddler and sleeping well at night but again, my hijacking absences became a problem when Bow developed what Katniss refers to as 'the daddies'. In a nutshell, this meant that Bow wanted to be with me every waking minute of the day. She cried when I left in the morning to go to the bakery even though she knew that Katniss would be bringing her there for lunch in a few hours. She wanted me to put her to bed every night and even using the bathroom became a social event as Bow would sit outside the door sometimes, waiting for me to finish (Katniss found that aspect of the Daddy phase to be pretty entertaining actually).

I found it mostly endearing until my episodes occurred pretty regularly for a few months when Katniss was still carrying Finn (another unfortunate trigger we had begun to notice for the episodes was if any big changes were going on and frequent morning sickness paired with some scary early labor false alarms meant definite big change in our home). Bow found it impossible in her toddler mind to understand why she couldn't be with me when I was in the house, right across the hall from her.

The first night she had kicked and screamed on the floor outside of the bedroom door begging to be let in, for me to hold her, to rock her to sleep and most heartbreaking of all, that she was 'sorry' which only made me feel worse knowing that she assumed I was mad at her and that was why I wasn't coming to her. There wasn't much Katniss could do at 5 months pregnant but to call Haymitch over to take Bow for the night which thankfully, he did. The next night Katniss had slept in Bow's little bed with her which earned her a three hour nap the next day when I was able to leave the room finally. I took Bow to the lake to swim so that Katniss would have the optimum peace and quiet for her rest and Bow barely let me put her down all day.

I was happy to have my smiley little girl back but the emotional damage had already been done for having put not only my wife, but my innocent child through that as well.

I felt just like I do right now watching my little son have a similar reaction to not being able to go to me for comfort after being bitten by one of Haymitch's geese.

I have been watching Katniss and the children since they moved from our front porch to Haymitch's yard late this morning. I'd like to write off the tantrum he's having as something as simple as that it is getting near lunchtime and he's hungry, but I know better.

I have to turn away from the window when I hear him screaming for me as Katniss tries to catry him across the yard. I just catch sight of him doing 'the croissant manuever' to try and make Katniss put him down before I move to rest my forehead against the bedroom wall. It's just too much to bear sometimes.

Through the open bedroom window I can hear Haymitch taking a shot at consoling Finnick by inviting him up onto his lap. Before Finn can respond though, it is Bow's tearful voice I hear telling Haymitch that she wants me too. If I wasn't at my breaking point with Finn's display, I am pushed over the edge hearing my usually strong daughter crying for me too.

I no longer fight back the tears that have been threatening since Finn began crying for me and I feel them rush down my cheeks as I move back to the window looking down on my family. Bow is in Haymitch's lap, her little arms around his neck as he comforts her as best he can. I can tell by how her body language that Katniss is exasperated. I can't say I blame her at this point, so instead I blame myself.

"I'm so sorry babies." I whisper softly and sniffle as my nose begins to run from crying so hard "I'm so sorry Kat." I close my eyes briefly, trying to steady my breathing and fighting a wave of 'bad thoughts' when I hear the commotion outside suddenly stop and open them again.

I can just make out that what Katniss is saying as I see my son sit up on the blanket he's been screaming on and pull something away from his neck. It only takes me a second to realize Katniss has placed her pearl necklace over his head.

I listen with a sad smile as she explains the origins of the pearl to our children, captivating their attention in a way only a mother can. I catch Haymitch's eye once or twice and know he has seen me at the window and I appreciate it when he says nothing to Katniss or the kids.

I smile slightly when Katniss tells of kissing the pearl and pretending it was my lips and then Bow makes note of how amorous she finds her parents to be and Haymitch agrees with her. I smile wider as I realize my children, unlike myself and my brothers, will never have reason to doubt their parents' love for each other if at 5 my daughter already thinks we kiss too much.

I raise my hand to rest my palm against the glass of the window as I watch Bow climb off of Haymitch's lap and cuddle into her mother's arms with Finn. Their voices are hushed but I can gather what has been said when I see the first the children and then Katniss each take a turn kissing the pearl.

I almost step away from the window when I see my daughter swinging her head from side to side looking for something but I don't. I know she has spotted me when her back stiffens and she cranes her neck up at the second story window I am standing in. I try to smile, safe in the knowledge that none of them can see my tears from this distance and offer her a little wave which she returns.

Katniss keeps a hand on Finn's head which is buried in her neck but turns and looks up at me as well. we hold each others gaze for a long moment, a million things being said with eyes like only two people who have been together through a dozen lifetimes worth of living can.

And when Katniss blows me a kiss I hear her heart saying Stay with me.

When I pretend to catch it against the window, I press her kiss to my heart and hope she hears mine answer Always.