a/n: Hope you enjoy! This is the longest interlude yet! Thanks for the kind reviews!
Interlude 4
"Bow! Finnick! come in and wash your hands for lunch!"
I can't see the kids but I know they haven't left Haymitch's fenced in yard and I smile when they come running around the corner of the house from the front giggling.
"What's so funny little bugs?" I ask and scoop Finn up onto my hip as they both reach the top step of Haymitch's back porch.
"Nuthin'." Bow says with a giggle and when she looks at Finn as I pull open the screen door, they both start laughing again and I chuckle. I put Finn on the kitchen counter on his knees beside the sink so he can wash his hands. Bow climbs up onto the little step ladder Haymitch keeps there for her, turns the water on and squeezes some soap into first Finn's hands and then her own.
"Oh I see..." I say in a whisper and play along. "It's one of those brother -sister secrets right?" I ask as they giggle and splash each other with the sink water while they scrub their hands.
"Uh huh." Bow chuckles again and screeches when one of Finn's splashes goes straight down the front of her sundress.
"Hey! how about we don't turn my kitchen into a small lake just yet." Haymitch grumbles as he shuffles into the room and drops into his chair at the table. "It is only noon afterall." he smirks and tries his hardest to look stern.
Bow hops down off of the step stool and skips over to climb up on Haymitch's lap. I have to turn my head to hide my smile from him. It never gets old to me or to Peeta when our children shower Haymitch with affection, making him work extra hard to pretend it bothers him.
"A small lake is called a pond Paw-Paw, we learned that in my kindergarten." she informs him and Haymitch scoffs and scowls down at her. Bow blinks up at him with big blue eyes and lashes so long that Hayymitch teases her they could cause a tidal wave across the ocean.
"Now, do you think an old man like me doesn't know something you learned over there at...at your little kiddie school between finger painting and counting to 10?" he asks grouchily and Bow shrugs and grabs a handful of grapes from the fruit bowl in front of her on the table and pops one in her mouth.
"Then why'd you say lake? " she asks and then folds her arms over her chest stubbornly.
"And I can count to 100, not 10." I try to catch Haymitch's eye as I place Finn in the highchair we keep over here but as it is, he's too busy arguing with my five-and-a-half year old.
"Prove it." Haymitch challenges and I put an end to their game before Bow can get to 4.
"Okay," I say interrupting her with a big fake smile and point first to Bow then Haymitch as I say. "Little child, grown man." and Haymitch growls and mumbles that Bow started it.
She smiles up at him proudly and Haymitch makes a shooing motion with his hands.
"Alright, alright...get off of my lap and go sit in your own chair so I can eat my lunch in peace." He says and Bow makes sure to kiss him sweetly on the cheek before going to her seat.
I hide a smile again and make a mental note to tell Peeta about the battle of wits Haymitch has just engaged in with our daughter. It will be something light for us to talk about once the dark cloud of the episode he is having passes.
"Nest to Paw-Paw Mommy!" Finn whines and I turn to see Haymitch already leaning out of his chair and dragging Finn and his highchair over to the spot beside him at the table. I pretend I don't see him pet Finn's mop of curly blonde hair before he sits back down in his own chair, but I do notice and laugh when Finn holds out a baby carrot to Haymitch and he leans in to let Finn push it between his lips.
"Thank you little man." Haymitch says with a smile and sneaks Finn a potato chip from his own plate. It is in moments like this that I am both happy we have Haymitch and sad that the trauma of his Games and mentoring prevented him from having a family of his own flesh and blood. Peeta tells me I'm being silly and that Haymitch loves us and our kids just as much as he would love children and grandchildren of his own.
My mother, who has moved back to our area of the country to be closer to us and has retired from practicing medicine, (though she now does a great deal of research in herbal alternatives to the medicines made in the factories built in 12 following the war) , is of the same opinion as Peeta. She also claims that her opinion matters most of all because she, as the other grandparent in their lives, can recognize the look of over the moon, up to your nostrils, bursting with pride love that she has for my children and she sees it plain as day in Haymitch's eyes when he is with them.
It is while daydreaming about the time she said this to me that I catch Haymitch slipping Finn another potato chip.
"No more until he eats his sandwich Paw-Paw." I scold and pretend to swat Haymitch's hand to punish him which makes Bow and Finnick giggle. Haymitch grins at the kids and makes a face at me which makes them laugh even harder.
I take the seat beside Bow and start eating my own sandwich until I notice she hasn't touched her own. "What's the matter, baby? Did you want something else for lunch?" I ask reaching over to stroke her hair back from her face.
Bow looks around the table at each of us before looking out the window at our house.
"Can I take lunch over to Daddy before my nap?" she asks so softly that I almost don't hear her.
I cut my eyes immediately to Haymitch who shrugs. We have never had reason to believe that Peeta posed any kind of physical threat to the children when he was having an episode but it was the emotional trauma of seeing their father like that we find to be more concerning.
"Paw-Paw can call Daddy on the phone after we're finished and see if that's ok with him, alright?" I ask with a reassuring smile and Bow nods and picks up half of her sandwch to eat.
Since Peeta has been brought up once more, Finn takes the opportunity to ask where he is again and I remind him that his daddy doesn't feel well and we will see him soon. I don't scold Haymitch this time when he leans over and drops another potato chip on Finn's highchair tray.
After lunch I take Finn to one of Haymitch's extra bedrooms, draw the room darkening curtains and lie down on the bed with him. It only took two "Mama looks" to get him to try using the toilet before I put a dry diaper on him for his nap.
"No sleep." Finn whimpers as I roll him over to his belly and start patting his bottom rhythmically. I pout my bottom lip out at him in the same way he is doing to me and he rubs his face against the mattress and gives a token cry of protest before scooting over into my arms and snuggling close to me.
Even 2 and a half years after his birth, I still feel a pull in my uterus when my baby boy clings to me. Bringing these two children into the world was both the scariest and greatest thing I have ever done in my life. I mistakenly thought, for more years than I care to count, that my heart had just enough room for the immense love I felt for Peeta. It wasn't until I first held my little girl in my arms and looked down into her eyes that I felt that once small space inside me burst and run over with the love I felt for my Bow. I was even more surprised when it grew again
"Yes sleep…go night, night sweet boy." I whisper and move my hand from his diapered bottom to his soft, curly blonde head. It's still amazing to me how much Finn's hair is like I remember Peeta's being when he was a boy.
Finn grunts and reaches up to play with the end of my braid with one hand as the other finds its way to his mouth and he pops his thumb between his lips. I smile knowing that he has just lost his final defense against sleep. When Finn started sucking his thumb at 3 months to soothe himself to sleep, Peeta grudgingly admitted that he sucked his thumb in his sleep until he was almost in middle school.
I chose to keep it to myself that quite a few times over the past 20 years, I had woken up in the middle of the night to find Peeta with his thumb in his mouth. Being almost certain as I was that it had something to do with his nightmares, I never said anything to him about it and likely never will.
I continue to stroke Finn's head and then his back as I listen to his breaths even out and become deeper with sleep. When I finally am able to extricate myself from his little arms, I place a pillow on either side of him and press a kiss to one of his little shoulders.
"Sleep well baby." I whisper and slip out the door, pulling it shut gently behind me.
I let out a breath I didn't realize I've been holding since I carried Finn to bed and realize I've been hoping that he wouldn't bring Peeta up again. It gave me a sharp pang of sadness straight to my heart to think that I'd been hoping my child wouldn't mention his father.
"Katniss." I turn my head to see that I've been standing in the hall just outside the bedroom I put Finn down in for…who knows how long, and find Haymitch standing at the top of the steps.
"Did you talk to him?" I ask quietly as I head down the hall to Haymitch and he leans back against the railing, regarding me closely.
"I did." He says and glances down the stairs where I hear Bow clanking around in the kitchen. "He's willing to give it a try." He says with a shrug. "I told him she just wants to bring him some lunch, he should eat something at any rate." Haymitch mumbles and smiles softly with a look I might just have figured out is the one my mother was talking about. "She's down there packing half my refrigerator into a potato sack because she can't decide what he might want to eat."
We both chuckle softly and Haymitch nods his head at the door Finn is sleeping behind. "He down for the count?" He asks and I smile and nod. "Why don't you go in and lay down with him? Try and get some rest yourself?" Haymitch offers. When I look at the stairs nervously he scoffs.
"Hey, I know she constantly questions my skills and general knowledge base, but I'd think you could give me the benefit of the doubt after 20 years." He smirks and I roll my eyes.
Haymitch is right of course. I trust him implicitly with my oldest child's care while I lie down for what would, admittedly, be a much needed rest after the morning we've had so far. "Okay. Thanks…Paw-paw." I say with a coy little smile as I move back to the bedroom door and push it open gently. Haymitch smiles and waits until I close the door behind me, before heading back downstairs to help Bow.
"Mommy…" Finn is sitting up in the middle of the bed rubbing his eyes as I make my way back across the room to him. I can tell he's not actually awake, only startled by the opening of the door again so soon after he's fallen asleep.
"Sh, sh, shhhh…it's alright baby, Mama's here." I whisper and crawl back onto the bed with him and lay back against the pillows. Before he can become any more conscious, I scoop Finn up into my arms and settle him into my side. "Shh..shh..shh…" I whisper, yawning through the last soothing sound as I slip into sleep myself.
Peeta
After so many years of having these episodes like I do, I have found a few tricks here and there to help me get through them. Sometimes I paint if my supplies are handy, or, if like today, Katniss has taken the kids out of the house and I have a little more mobility around the upstairs.
Sometimes I listen to my favorite music for hours and hours hoping that it will either soothe the bad thoughts away or at least quiet them enough to let me sleep. Eating is hit or miss depending on the severity of the episode but Haymitch always manages to force me to eat something and with the bathroom attached to the bedroom, I always have access to water from the sink.
Today's coping method has been to try soaking in the tub with my favorite music on. I have it on loud as I lay back in the water, my arms propped on the sides of the tub, that I don't hear the phone ring. I know that has rung though because the light on the intercom panel in the bathroom starts blinking blue which means a phone call.
I sigh and reach for a towel, a little annoyed to have been interrupted. I was running through the rotating list of good memories I have shared with Katniss which is another of my tricks. I was particularly enjoying a memory made only a few weeks ago in this very tub after the kids had gone down for the night.
We were celebrating Finn staying dry in underwear from lunch to bath time with a bottle of wine and a soak together in the tub. I said that I couldn't believe he had done so well after only one afternoon attempting to toilet train him when Katniss tossed one of Finn's tub toys across the water at me insisting that I had just completely jinxed all of the good luck we had that day.
I grabbed one of her feet that were propped beside my knees under the water and dragged her over into my arms playfully asking if there was any way to reverse the jinx that she could think of. We spent the next 45 minutes trying out a few of her more...acrobatic suggestions when our bathroom door swung open no less than 5 seconds after her legs dropped from where they had been wrapped around my head. I thought we had been pretty quiet all things considered.
Finn stood in the door way in nothing but the top to the pajamas I had put him in less than 2 hours before and he was dragging the pants with the underwear he had been wearing still inside of them behind him.
I was still trying to catch my breath from my exertions with Katniss as I sat up in the tub and looked over at my sleepy son.
"What's the matter buddy? " I asked as Katniss pulled herself up into a sitting position as well.
Finn's bottom lip quivvered and he dropped his chin to his chest with a sigh.
"I pissed." he said in such a sad but innocent way that Katniss and I both had to bit the inside of our cheeks to keep from bursting out laughing.
"Aww... it's alright baby. " Katniss said waving him over to us where she pulled his shirt over his head and lifted him into the tub with us to clean him up.
"Remind me to thank Paw-Paw tomorrow for the inappropriate language." I mumbled and handed Katniss the soap and a wash cloth to clean Finn up. She just laughed lightly as I climbed out and said I would go change the sheets on his bed.
When I returned to our room I found Katniss and Finn curled up together on our bed fast asleep. Finn was in a diaper and Katniss was wearing a large t-shirt of mine that made me really wish my son was a deep enough sleeper to carry him back to his own room.
Instead I just crept over to the bed and lay down on my side watching them for a while before I fell asleep myself.
"Hello?" I say quietly as I hit the answer button on the intercom to pick up the phone.
"How are you doin' boy?" Haymitch asks and I sigh.
"What do you want Haymitch?" I'm still not always the nicest person to talk to when I'm like this. Luckily Haymitch doesn't take it personally in the slightest.
"Nothing on my part, but there is a little lady over here who would like to know if she can bring you some lunch before she takes her nap." he explains softly.
I deifinitely was not prepared to hear that when I answered the phone. I sigh heavily and use another button on the intercom to turn down the music I have been listening to.
"We've ...never tried that before..." I say cautiously and Haymitch says nothing on the other end as he gives me a second to think it over. "What do you think Haymitch? Is Katniss okay with this?" I ask and run a hand through my damp hair as I move over to lean with both palms flat on the counter looking in the mirror.
"She's not worried about you hurting Bow if that's what you're wondering." he says getting right to the point just like I can always count on Haymitch to do.
"And what about you? What do you think?" I ask still staring at my eyes that don't look quite right in the way they always do during an episode.
"I think that the child just wants to bring you lunch and make sure that you are alright, Peeta. And I think you would be more likely to kill the last unicorn in fairy land than harm a hair on Bow's head."
I smiled at his attempt at humor and nodded slowly. "Alright. You can send her over. Just tell her to come straight up to mine and Katniss' room. Give me 5 minutes to get
dressed." I say and move over to pull the plug on the drain in the tub. Part of me is still wondering if this is a good idea or not but the daddy side of me is telling that part to shut hell up because I miss my daughter too.
I change into jeans and a white t-shirt but leave my feet bare. By the time Bow is knocking on the bedroom door I am just finishing straightening up the bedroom and remaking the bed.
"Come on in, baby." I say softly from where I stand opening the bedroom windows wide.
The handle turns slowly and Bow sticks her head shyly just inside the doorway until she sees me and the big smile I have on my face for her. She throws the door open all the way and rushes in with a canvas bag hanging from one arm which she drops as she throws herself into my arms and hugs me tightly.
"Daddy." she whispers and kissed my ear before wrapping her arms around my neck where I have dropped to my knees on the floor.
"Hi baby girl, how are you? Are you okay?" I whisper sitting down on my butt and rocking her back and forth in my arms. I almost start crying again like I was earlier today when I realize she has no interest in letting go of my neck.
"Uh huh, can we come home now?" She asks and I finally loosen her fingers enough to pull back and kiss her little hands before pressing them to my cheeks with the palms flat. I smile sadly and shake my head.
"Not yet Bowie, I think you guys should just stay at Paw-paw's tonight and we'll see how I feel in the morning." I say and Bow sighs a long suffering sigh.
"Paw-Paw's house smells funny." She says simply and I nod.
"Yes, yes it does." I cross my eyes as I say this and Bow giggles. "Oh, there she is, I was wondering who this sulky girl was and where my daughter went." I say standing from the floor and picking Bow up on my hip. Katniss gets on me for doing so being as Bow is nearly 6 but I just can't let go of her being little. She always will be to me.
"I brought you lunch." She says pointing at the bag on the floor and I set her on the end of the bed so that I can reach down for the bag.
"So how's your Mama and your little brother? Are they doing okay?" I ask and move over to drop into the big comfy chair by the window and gesture for Bow to come and join me. I am arranging my lunch on the ottoman between my knees when she ambles over to the chair and climbs over the armrest to snuggle in beside me while I eat. As I lean back against the comfy cusion behind my back, Bow grabs the rest of my lunch and sets it on top of the canvas bag. I watch her arrange everything carefully and then pull the bag up onto my lap so that we can cuddle while I eat.
"They're okay. Mommy is lying down with Finn while he has his nap." She says and lays her head on my shoulder. "She could use a nap too." She says and I chuckle softly at how that sounds. "What about you? Don't you need a nap?" I tease and jab a finger under the back of one of her knees making her screech with laughter. When she settled down, Bow shrugs and drops her head back down on my shoulder and looks up at me seriously.
"No, I'd rather stay awake and be here with you." She whispers and I groan and drop my head back onto the chair with a wounded sound. When I lift my head and look back down at Bow she is frowning. I wish she knew the effect she has, but she's as oblivious to her powers as her mother ever has been to her own.
"You're killin' me here kid." I say and let her crawl up onto my lap while I finish my sandwich. Bow smiles softly and holds an apple slice up to my lips and I take it gently with my teeth. "Thank you ma'am." I say with a wink and Bow eats a piece of apple herself as we settle into a comfortable silence, broken up only occasionally by Bow and I taking turns making suggestions about what we will all do together when the X is gone from the door.
Swimming at the lake, to visit their Grandma, to the bakery to make a cake for my birthday which is in a few days.
When I finish eating and set the bag back on the ottoman, Bow turns over against my side and wraps her arms around my neck again tightly and I already know what is coming next. "Please can I stay longer?" She whimpers and to make matters worse I can feel her tears against my neck.
"Bow…" I croak out around the lump in my throat. "You know I want you to stay with me but you know the rules." I say gently and rub her back. "When the X is on the door, Daddy…isn't feeling well…" I wish I didn't have to lie to my daughter about what the letter means but she's just too young to be told that if we don't follow the rules, bad things could happen. How can I possibly tell my daughter that I tried to kill her mother several times in the past? How can I tell her that sometimes my scrambled brain still thinks I want to try it again?
"Please, Daddy…I'll be good…just let me stay." She cries and I lift her up against my chest so that she has her legs around my hips, her arms still around my neck and her head resting on my chest so that my chin is against the crown of her head.
"Shh…it's alright baby." I whisper and pat her back as she snuggles farther into my arms. When she falls asleep a few minutes later, I know I should call Haymitch and ask him to come over for her. I know that I should think of my family and not myself first. There are a lot of things I know that are wrong about giving in and falling asleep in a chair with my little girl in my arms right now.
But I do it anyway.