Chapter 22
I woke up in the morning with my face tucked into Peeta's neck to block out the light from the window that was hitting me right in the face. It only took me about 4 seconds to remember that I had woken up and shut the curtains around the bed at some point during the night and that they should still be closed, before I sat up, ready to face an attacker.
My instincts kicked in when I sensed someone on my side of the bed leaning over looking at us and immediately grabbed them and flipped them head over heels straight onto the bed on top of mine and Peeta's legs.
"What…what the hell?!" Johanna said looking up at me from where she lay sprawled across the bed and Peeta sat straight up with a yell. When he realized what had happened as I was bashing Johanna across the face with one of the throw pillows, he groaned and flopped back on the pillows.
"What is wrong with you Johanna?!" he bit out through gritted teeth as Johanna climbed to her knees laughing and moved up the bed. She dropped in between the two of us on her back and put one arm around my shoulders and the other around Peeta's.
"What's wrong with me?" She asked as we both frowned and folded our arms over our chests moodily. "What's wrong with Brainless?" She asked still laughing and wiggled her toes on top of the covers next to mine and Peeta's that were still underneath. "Here I was just trying to make sure you were both awake being as there's 2 hours until we have to be at this idiotic farewell luncheon, and I get attacked." Peeta and I both lifted our heads to look at the alarm clock which read 10 o'clock and Johanna moved her hands to the back of our heads where she, rather violently, mussed our hair.
"Soooo…hop to it, we gotta be ready by 11:30." She said scooting down to the end of the bed and then off on my side. Johanna didn't even look back over her shoulder as she left the room.
"Door locks, Katniss! Door locks!" Peeta groaned digging the heels of his palms into his eye sockets and thumping his head back against his pillow.
After the conversation I'd had with Johanna the night before, I couldn't help but laugh as I climbed out of bed to order us some breakfast.
We ate in bed, taking our time to enjoy the food and each other's company on our last morning in such lavish environment. As ridiculous as we found it to be for anyone to live in that kind of opulence for all of their lives, we both had to admit it wasn't all that bad to put up with it for a week.
After we ate and showered, Peeta put on the suit he'd worn for the welcome dinner along with a crisp whilte dress shirt but decided to forgo the tie, hoping that Effie wouldn't take it as a personal offense. I playfully assured him that being as the luncheon was taking place at midday, I thought she might just overlook the infraction this one time.
"I hope so, cause I'm not coming back up here to change again until it's to put on what I'm wearing for the drive home this afternoon." He smirked as he exited the bathroom where he had been brushing his teeth. I smiled at him in the full length mirror that I was standing in front of fixing a dangly earring underneath loose waves of hair.
I had changed into a simple black wrap dress with a neckline that revealed just enough cleavage for a young woman my age but not enough to let any of my burn scars show. I touched a small spot of scarred skin on the back of my neck at the hair line and realized with a start that while Annie had reacted slightly to Peeta's prosthetic leg, she hadn't seemed at all affected by the burn scars that weaved their way over mine and Peeta's bodies.
"Hey, you alright? You look very pretty ma'am…" Peeta whispered wrapping his arms around me from behind and kissing the spot of melted skin I had been idly stroking.
"Yeah…yeah I'm o.k." I said resting my arms over top of his where they were wrapped around my waist. "Just…realizing how much I'm going to miss our friends after seeing them every day for the last week." I sighed and held Peeta's gaze in the mirror. "Especially the baby. It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be to see him." I admitted quietly. "I thought it might be too hard what with how Finnick died and the responsibility I feel for that." I said quietly.
Peeta didn't even bother arguing with me as it was probably the thousandth time we'd had a similar discussion about the survivor's guilt that sometimes was so suffocating I found it actually difficult to breathe.
"Even Johanna?" Peeta whispered against my shoulder with a smile, trying to draw me out of the bad mood I was beginning to slip into.
I grinned and dropped my head back onto his shoulder and laughed lightly. "Sure, even Johanna."
I turned my head a little to capture his lips in a quick kiss and when we pulled back Peeta smiled down at me.
I didn't want to upset Peeta, especially since a large part of me really was very happy to be returning to 12 with him. But there was a smaller part, persistently gnawing at my gut and confusing me by saying that these people, Johanna, Effie, Annie and Zale, were all people I cared greatly for.
Not in the same way I (secretly) cared about Haymitch or my mother, or even the way I deep down still cared about Gale. Certainly not the same way I cared about Peeta, but it was a strange sort of longing all the same. I had spent so much of my life up to that point avoiding close relationships because of the way the government was run and because at any time one of my peers could be sent into the Games, or die of starvation, that I missed out on experiencing those feelings regularly like I guessed other people did.
This realization suddenly made me feel extraordinarily sad for Peeta who had loved everyone he knew so freely and wholly before the Games, and to think that most of them were dead and gone just filled me with such sorrow for him.
His parents. His two older brothers. The crowd of Town friends I had always seen him surrounded by in the halls at school.
I turned away from the mirror into Peeta's arms and I could feel his surprise when I hugged him tightly around the neck. "Kat…" he whispered in bewilderment and I shook my head and hugged his neck more tightly still.
"Sorry…sorry, I really am O.K. I promise." I said against his neck. "I'm just…really glad I'm going home with you today." I half lied as I pulled back and tried to smile up at him.
"Sure you're up for this luncheon? We could just stay here and hang out if you'd rather. Remember, they can't make us do anything we don't want anymore." Peeta reminded me with a smile and kissed my lips gently.
I nodded and offered him a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I'm up for it as long as you are." I said as we turned for the door. I didn't want to say that it might be our last chance to see our friends for a long time so instead I asked Peeta if we could drive Johanna, Annie and the baby to the train station on our way out of the city.
"Sure, I think they would probably really like that too." He said leaning over to kiss my cheek as we linked hands and headed out of the bedroom together.
The banquet wasn't really all that unbearable thankfully. The time for victors to be giving speeches had passed with the night of the interviews and all we really had to do was sit back and listen to Plutarch and President Paylor thank us for the honor of joining the country in celebrating our first year as a new democratic replubic.
"It is you who the people of this country looked to for the strength to rise up against the old regime," Paylor said looking over at all of the victors and it is you who they will continue to look to in the coming years for the strength to rebuild their own lives as you have begun to rebuild your own."
She briefly referred to what each of us had been doing with our lives in the last year based on what we had shared in our interviews and reminded all of the other attendees at the banquet that if we who had been so hideously mistreated by President Snow's Panem could be working toward an improved future under the new Panem, then that was what it meant to be a citizen of Panem. It meant picking yourself up off the ground no matter how far or hard you had fallen.
"Remember that under President Snow, we were all truly tributes in the Hunger Games. Providing food, clothing, transportation and yes, entertainment to the rich while we and those we love starved. That a year later, we are all gathered here with one mind, one heart, one soul of new living, breathing, dare I say, thriving Panem just goes to show that whether we realize it or not…we are also all victors. Thank you all for helping us to celebrate the bright future ahead of our country this week. I know everyone is ready to eat and be on your way back to your homes, but before first I'd like to present each of the Hunger Games victors with the very first new flags of the country of Panem." Paylor said with a smile and we all stood as she and an attendant carrying a small pile of folded fabric came to stand in front of each of us and placed the new flag bearing my mockingjay pin into each of our hands.
"We ask that you return to your districts and fly these flags outside your homes as a symbol of hope to those around you. And let it be known that any citizen in the country need only seek out the mayor of their district to obtain one of their own beginning a week from today."
Everyone in the room erupted into applause as we all smiled and unfurled our flags to show to the crowd in the room. The applause grew tenfold as we all held up our flags for everyone to see. They were white with a red and blue mockingjay looking proud and determined in the center. I remember thinking that those colors looked good together on the new flag. Red, white and blue.
The smell of food being served to the tables began a whole new stirring of activity around the room and we ate between greeting visitors to our table who were respectful enough to wish us well and be on their way. I stayed quiet mostly, letting Peeta and the others do the majority of the talking while I preferred to do what I had always done best as a quiet outsider at school; I watched everyone else in the room.
Plutarch and President Paylor sat at our table with us, catching us up on new developments within the government structure which was really all any of us cared about knowing since we got to the Capitol for this event in the first place so we were very appreciative. Paylor told us that a citizen's bill of rights was being worked on and iron clad laws that would never allow for anything like the Hunger Games to ever be a part of our society again.
"Glad to hear that." Johanna chimed in for the first time during the meal and raised a glass to the president. "I'll believe it when I see it though, so if you don't mind my saying…hop to it." She smirked and I could see Paylor hiding a smile behind her napkin as she gently dabbed her mouth with it.
"I'll make sure copy number 00001 ends up in your hands Ms. Mason." She said sitting back in her chair and sipping her water slowly. Johanna nodded as if that's what she'd hoped for all along but I could tell she was impressed.
"Well, I do hope we were able to meet all of your needs while you were here and I hope that you'll consider visiting again to see the how we continue turning the Capitol into a place where you can feel safe." Paylor said standing from the table and we all stood as well out of respect. Since I'd met her in District 8, I'd found her to be a difficult person to read, but she was obviously touched by the gesture as she nodded to each of us before excusing herself to go mingle with the rest of the guests.
As we were all sitting back down to finish our meals, Peeta reached over to hold my hand under the table and leaned back in his chair. "So is everyone packed to leave?" He asked and Annie chuckled and switched the baby from one shoulder to the other as he began to squirm.
"Are you kidding?" she asked kissing the side of the baby's head as everyone turned their attention to her. "I started packing yesterday morning and I'm still not quite all packed up yet." She grinned and slid the baby to the crook of her arm. "It's amazing that someone so small requires so much….stuff…" she said and we all laughed quietly and watched as Zale blinked up at his mother and slowly fell asleep as she rocked him.
"What about you Johanna?" I asked and she shrugged.
"All my stuff is packed. The sooner I can get outta this place, the better." She said but not with the same conviction I usually heard from her when she was ragging on the Capitol.
She was obviously going to miss all of us too.
"Oh!" I said turning to both Annie and Johanna quickly. "Peeta and I were talking this morning and we wanted to see if you two…or I should say three…" I said smiling down at Zale. "would want to get a ride to the train with us." I offered looking between Johanna and Annie. "We have to drive past the station on our way out anyway so we just thought…" I said and shrugged. "We thought it would be nice to see you off." I finished and Johanna and Annie looked at each other a moment before Johanna shrugged, trying to look indifferent and Annie nodded excitedly.
"Of course, that would be wonderful!" She said happily and handed the baby to me trustingly. "And as his mother, I think I can speak for Zale when I say that he would love to have his Aunt Katniss and Uncle Peeta see him get onto the train to go home." She cooed and Zale snuggled into my shoulder and I held him close. I smelled his baby smell and listened to all of the wonderful little noises he made. I listened to them for myself to save in my memory for the time between that moment and the next time I would see him. I did all of those things for myself and then I did them all one more time for Finnick like I promised myself I would.
By the time we had packed up our camper again and Peeta and Haymitch had put all of Annie and Johanna's luggage in the trunk of our car for the ride to the train station, Effie was a mess of tears, Zale was an hour into his afternoon nap, and Haymitch was looking like he needed a weekend alone with his favorite bottles of liquor to deal with any more of the touchy feeliness he could clearly see was coming.
Johanna and Annie climbed into the back seat of our car and Effie and Haymitch rode in the limo with a driver though based on his reaction to Effie's tears, I felt Haymitch would rather have been strapped to the roof of our car than ride with her at that point.
The four adults in our car were quiet on the ride to the station and the sounds Zale made as he slept were the only noise to be heard.
I felt my throat tightening and my eyes threatening to water the closer we came to parting ways with our friends. I'll admit that part of it even made me wish for a moment to be that girl I was before the Games who cared only about going into the woods and bringing home food to keep myself, my mother and my sister alive. The girl who had only enough room in her heart for those whose well-being she was directly responsible for.
I remember thinking that this new co-dependence-on-others-for-the-betterment-of-my-s ocial-and-emotional-well-being thing, while Dr. Aurelius would probably turn cartwheels over it, was something I was finding really inconvenient now that I had to go home and leave the people who I had developed such strong bonds with.
Peeta must have sensed the change in my mood and he reached over to hold my hand on my knee as we pulled up in front of the station and all quietly climbed out of the car. Zale woke up as Annie handed him out to Peeta so that she could climb out of the back seat.
"Hey there buddy, nice nap?" Peeta asked shouldering the baby and rubbing his back gently. We all chuckled when Zale wobbily lifted his head and yawned while trying to get a look at Peeta. When his head proved to be too heavy to manage, he dropped it back to Peeta's shoulder with a grunt and snuggled into his neck cozily.
Annie obviously couldn't help herself and I felt her eyes slide over to me. She smiled in that way only mothers who find guys who are good with children can and I smiled back at her before going over to lay my head on Peeta's opposite shoulder so that I could see the baby's face over Peeta's chest. "Awww…you still sleepy?" I whispered and placed a hand on his back beside Peeta's and stroked softly. Peeta kept one of his hands on the baby's back, holding him against his shoulder and wrapped the other around my waist and hugged me close to him.
"Bye Zale, I hope I get to see you again soon." I whispered and kissed one of his chubby cheeks as he shifted his gaze between my face and Peeta's. I still couldn't get over how much he looked like his father. I felt Peeta tighten his arm around me as he leaned over to kiss the top of the baby's head lightly.
"See ya little man, love you." Peeta whispered and I couldn't help smiling as I thought again of how easily Peeta found it to find more and more room in his heart for loving people. I stroked the baby's cheek once more and he cooed and rubbed his face into Peeta's coat as Annie stepped over to take him back.
"We will see you soon, I promise." She said firmly through quiet tears. "You can come visit us any time and I'll be better about traveling with him once he's a little bigger."
I smiled and finally let my own tears fall as I stepped away from Peeta and hugged Annie tightly. "Absolutely, and we'll keep in touch on the phone and through letters." I said still holding her close.
Annie nodded and stepped aside to hug Peeta and I laughed softly when his ears turned red after she kissed him on the cheek. He frowned at me over Annie's head in a way that plainly said 'Stop! You're embarrassing me!' and I covered my mouth to keep from laughing and looked away from them.
The baby was passed around our group once more before the loud speaker on the platform beside us announced the arrival of their train.
"Well, I guess that's us." Johanna said shouldering one of her lighter bags that she obviously wanted to carry herself as the train attendants approached us and began carrying their other bags up the stairs to the platform. A series of bells began to ring and we heard the 'woosh' of the hovercraft-like train approaching from beyond the station building.
I didn't hesitate to hug Johanna just in case she slugged me for trying and I wasn't entirely surprised when she hugged me back. "Feel free to call whenever you're in need of some girl talk." She mumbled and I smiled as we pulled back to look at each other.
"Oh absolutely, three times a week at least." I teased and she started to laugh but stopped suddenly as the train slowly came to a stop and it's doors opened. I turned my head to look up on the platform when I heard her gasp. All I could see up there was a nice looking young man with short, dark hair that just fell over his forehead and a pair of black framed glasses sitting on his nose. He was looking around the platform and smiled widely when he spotted our little group.
"The casual boyfriend I assume?" I whispered and Johanna had the decency to blush before her own face broke out in a smile like I'd never seen on her before.
"Jaxson!" She yelled and let her arms fall away from me as she climbed the stairs two at a time, dropped the satchel she was carrying, and threw herself into his arms as he hopped off of the train.
I smiled at Peeta who had moved back over to stand with me and reached out to hold his hand. With one look around at our little group, I could see that Annie, Haymitch, and Effie all saw the same thing I did. Johanna was clearly head over heels in love with this man.
I leaned into Peeta's side as the pleasant looking man swung Johanna around in his arms happily and then kissed her silly before he set her back down on her feet.
"What are you doing here?!" She asked gripping the lapels of his coat and smiling up into his face.
"Thought I'd surprise you and ride back with you on the train. Surprised?" he grinned and looped his arms around her waist as he bent down to kiss her neck, her cheek and then her lips again.
"Oh…of course I am…this is…this is really great! Thank you." She said rising up on tip-toes to kiss him again.
Haymitch clearing his throat brought them out of the spell they had been under from the moment Jaxson had stepped off of the train and Johanna turned to all of us quickly.
"Oh, sorry…" she laughed and held his hand as they walked over to us. "Um…this is Jaxson, my…friend." She mumbled and Haymitch snorted.
"Wish I had a friend who greeted me like that every time I saw them." He quipped and Effie swatted his elbow and told him to behave.
As usual, Peeta was the first to step forward and shake his hand. "Peeta Mellark, nice to meet you Jaxson." He said with an easy smile. Jaxson smiled back and looked down at the ground between them briefly and I could tell he was trying not to laugh.
"Yeah, I…know who you are…it's really nice to meet you man." He said pumping Peeta's hand nervously. It still weirded me out sometimes to have total strangers react like that to meeting us. "And Katniss, I've heard a lot about you." He said holding his hand out to me next. "From Jo I mean, not from…well…before, I mean…I knew about you before I was with her obviously but I…she's told me a little about the time you two spent together in 13 and…I…" he was stuttering horribly and Johanna rolled her eyes.
"Okay, just…shut up and look pretty Jax." She teased and nudged him in the side with an elbow playfully to temper her words.
"All aboard!" The conductor called and Jaxson used the opportunity to excuse himself as he went to help pass the girls' bags onto the train. He nodded to each of us and said he hoped Peeta and I would come visit Johanna sometime.
"Of course we will." I smiled and shook his hand again. "It was nice to meet you Jaxson…I'm glad Johanna has you for a…friend." I said smirking at her and enjoying the opportunity to make her squirm a little for once in our relationship. Jaxson shook Peeta's hand again before he walked off toward the train. Johanna watched him go with a smile and when she turned back to me I was standing with my arms crossed over my chest and my eyebrows nearly reached my hair line.
"Casual, huh?" I asked with a sly smile and Johanna blushed again.
"Oh shut up, Brainless." She mumbled but then wrapped me in another tight hug. "Come visit sometime alright?" She said stepping back from me and looking Peeta over from head to toe. "Make sure you bring baker boy with you, I could use a little eye candy from time to time." She teased and made sure to slide a hand down and squeeze Peeta's ass when she hugged him and the three of us laughed.
"Come on Johanna, the baby's getting fussy and I want to feed him so that he isn't crying the whole ride back." Annie said, her eyes swimming in tears again. I looked down at the baby who wasn't fussy at all, and knew she just wanted to get into the privacy of her train car before she began to really cry herself.
Johanna nodded and lifted her bag back over her head and waved to us over her shoulder once more before they both climbed the steps to the platform and got on the train. Peeta stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around me as we watched the doors close and heard the loud speaker announce the train's departure and then it was gone just as quickly and quietly as it came.
We stood watching the train pull away until it disappeared behind the mountains in the distance. When we could no longer see a trace of the tail car of the train, we turned back to the road and saw Haymitch leaning back against the door of the trailer attached to the car that would take us back to 12.
"Wow..." Peeta said as we walked back over to the car hand in hand. "Johanna Mason in love…how…" he waved his free hand in front of him, searching for the right word. "…bizarre…" he laughed as we came to stand in front of Haymitch. Effie stood just to Haymitch's left, her hands folded primly in front of her.
They both smiled at what Peeta said and I leaned in to poke Haymitch in the shoulder lightly with one stiff finger. He hated when I did that.
"So when does your train leave?" I asked and he swatted my hand away and shifted from foot to foot nervously. I noticed that he also cut his eyes briefly but obviously at Effie. Peeta must have noticed too because I felt him squeeze my hand subtly.
"Not until the morning." Haymitch said almost defensively and I looked between he and Effie suspiciously. I may have been only 19, but I recognized when 2 people were trying very hard to look anywhere but at each other. "Decided to hang around here another night. Anyway, you two won't be back for four days so I might as well get fed here for another night before I go home to eat leftovers until the pair of you are back." He said gruffly and Peeta raised a hand defensively.
"Easy, we only wanted to know when your train was leaving." He said stifling a laugh. Haymitch pushed away from the trailer and gave it a pat as he looked at each tire on the car to make sure they could all handle the ride home. We watched him walk all the way around the car, checking it over in a way that made my heart ache for my father who had died almost a decade before. Looking over at Peeta I could see that he was having a similar memory of his own father doting on him at some time in his childhood.
I caught Peeta's eye and we smiled sadly at each other as Haymitch came back to stand in front of us.
"Looks roadworthy." He grunted and pointed between the two of us. "Now don't forget, stop and sleep when you get tired. I know it's hard to imagine you might fall asleep while driving a car, but it happens more than you think." He said sternly and Peeta and I both gave him a smart assed salute. "I'm serious you two, be careful." He said without smiling.
"Yes, sir." We both said smiling and Haymitch waved a hand at us, calling us both hopeless as Effie rushed past him and suddenly pulled us both into a surprisingly strong hug.
It was still difficult sometimes in those days to think of Effie any differently than a Capitol escort we had watched pull children's names out of a bowl for our whole lives. She bubbled her way through our first Games with her as our escort as if they should have been the most exciting experience. She may have had her natural hair back and worn less flashy clothing and make up, but to us part of her was still Effie Trinket, District 12 escort.
Seeing her react that way to us leaving the Capitol did go a ways toward changing our opinion of her though and seeing as Haymitch had obviously changed his opinion of her…greatly…made it easier to change our opinions too.
"Ooo…ooo…" Effie choked out dramatically through a voice roughed by tears. "I just…hope you both know how happy I am to see you and to know that you're together and you're…happy. That you were able to come here even though I'm sure it was, well, difficult to say the least is just…well it's marvelous."
She was holding Peeta and I so close that we could see each other's faces behind her head and we rolled our eyes slightly and each brought a hand up to pat Effie's back gently as we hugged her back.
When she finally released us, Peeta and I made a point of giving her our best bittersweet smiles as we pecked her on opposite cheeks and stepped back.
"Thank you, Effie." Peeta said giving her his best Peeta Mellark smile. "as always, we really appreciate that you were here to help keep us on schedule." He said and she smiled sadly and dabbed her wet eyes with a tissue.
"Why thank you, Peeta, it's been my honor to escort both of you here this week." She said with the same bittersweet smile. The way she said it though made me think she really believed it was our honor to have her as an escort. Good old Effie. What would we do without her?
We both nodded and then looked up as the loud speaker came to life again and told everyone outside of the train station that the next train was due to arrive in 20 minutes. The interruption pulled the four of us out of the moment we were having by the car and Haymitch made one more round of the car to make sure everything was in working order while we said our last goodbyes to Effie and she climbed back into the limo that had brought her and Haymitch.
He met us at the front of the car and couldn't help but lift the hood to check the engine before letting either of us get in. "Give me a call when you get back, alright?" he said giving me a quick hug and patting Peeta on the shoulder.
"Sure, should be by Wednesday I think, though we might make it back a little quicker now that we know kind of where we're going." Peeta said and Haymitch nodded but insisted that we not rush. As Peeta and I both fought a chuckle, Haymitch scoffed irately at us and headed for the limo as we climbed into the driver and passenger seats of the car.
Peeta turned on the car and buckled his seatbelt as we prepared to head out on our journey back to 12. "You know, I'd find his overzealous safety checks annoying if they didn't make me feel so…" I was staring out the window watching the car holding Effie and Haymitch head back towards the part of town where we had been staying all week as I tried to find the right word. It turned out that I didn't need to find it because Peeta found it for me first.
"Loved?" he asked leaning over to buckle my seatbelt for me. When I turned my head to look at him, I glanced down at his hands securing my belt and back into his eyes and nodded. The echo of something Haymitch said once that always seemed to come back to haunt me popped into my head.
You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know.
"Loved." I repeated and leaned in to kiss him gently. Peeta's hand came up to hold my cheek lightly as he deepened the kiss. When he pulled back, I felt a little flutter in my heart at the look on his face. Loved was definitely the right word I had been looking for.
Peeta settled himself back into the seat and tapped his fingers against the steering wheel for a moment and then glanced over at me. "Ready to go home?" He asked and reached to flip on the guidance system.
"Absolutely." I said reaching across the seat for one of his hands which Peeta placed into mine without a second of hesitation.
The ride home did just as much to bring us closer as the ride to the Capitol had. We talked about old teachers from school we had together, greatly embellished stories we'd heard from classmates who had visited the slag heap, and even sang each other our favorite songs from when we were growing up.
Most of Peeta's were seemingly harmless songs riddled with profane innuendo that his brothers had taught him for their own amusement and mine were the songs my father had spent most of my childhood teaching to me.
As we lay in bed together in the trailer on the third night of our journey, Peeta asked me to sing the meadow song to him to help him fall to sleep.
"I…don't want to sing that one to you." I argued scooting back from his arms slightly. Peeta lifted his head from the pillow and frowned at me.
"Why not? A few days ago we sang our way through 2 full districts." He said smiling and leaned over to kiss my shoulder and then my neck lightly. I pulled back even further and shook my head, trying to let him know that he'd misunderstood.
"No, no…I mean, I just don't want to sing that song to you. I'll sing something else though, how about the Valley Song?" I said trying to smile but Peeta clearly wasn't going to let me get away without explaining why I wouldn't sing Deep in the Meadow. I dropped onto my back staring up at the roof of the trailer and blew out my cheeks with a deep sigh.
"The last 2 people I sang that song to are dead." I said quickly. "That's why I won't sing it to you." The idea of singing that song to Peeta when Rue and Prim had been the last two people to hear it from me felt like signing his death sentence. My little sister and my Hunger Games ally. They were two of the last people I allowed myself to love before Peeta and they were both dead.
"Rue?" Peeta asked and I appreciated that he didn't make a move to come any closer to me. I did at least have the courtesy to turn my head and look at him though.
"And Prim." I whispered and shook my head as I turned my eyes back to the ceiling above me and pulled the covers up to my chin. I know it was silly and superstitious of me, but something just seemed so wrong about singing that song to Peeta who I loved and couldn't imagine losing like I'd lost Rue and Prim. I reached over under the covers and held his hand on the mattress which was my way of letting Peeta know that it was alright to hold me.
He reached over tentatively and tugged me back into his arms and brushed his lips over my forehead. "Hey, it's okay Kat." He whispered and rubbed his hands up and down over my back. I had worn sweats and one of his flannel shirts to sleep in but just like when we had driven to the Capitol, nighttime in the trailer was a chilly experience so I appreciated his closeness. "The Valley Song would be great." He assured me and I laid my head on his chest over the thermal shirt he was wearing and softly began to sing.
I sang and sang until I heard Peeta snoring gently and I lifted my head to see that he was sound asleep. I smiled and reached up to kiss him on the lips gently before I snuggled into his arms and fell asleep myself.
When I woke up in the morning it was because I was freezing cold and curled in the fetal position in the middle of the bed. I jerked awake before sitting straight up and looking frantically around the small trailer for Peeta. I wouldn't have reacted quite so violently to not having him right there with me under normal circumstances, but the sheets beside me were cold with no trace of his body heat on them to speak of.
Wherever he was, he hadn't been in the bed for quite some time. "Peeta?!" I called out with a mixture of panic and fear and scrambled off of the bed. I grabbed the handle of the bathroom door first and yanked it open, my eyes anxiously searching every inch of the tiny space.
"PEETA!?" I yelled and yanked a pair of boots on and grabbed a coat as I ran out the door and into a couple of inches of snow that had fallen overnight. I was pulling the coat on as I stumbled through the snow, looking wildly around the picnic area we had stopped at for the night.
When he didn't respond, I almost broke down in tears but somehow, my hunting insticts managed to find a way to take over and I noticed the faint outline of footprints that had about an inch of snow covering them.
I followed them with my eyes and then bolted for the car in front of the trailer I had just emerged from when I saw that they led to the back passenger side door. I couldn't see into the car because of the layer of snow that had covered it overnight so I pulled my hands into the sleeves, breathing heavily from the exertion of having run (okay, and a little from the panic of waking up without him too) and swept the sleeves of the coat over the window.
When I first saw what was inside, my heart dropped. A lump that I could barely identify as Peeta lay prone on the back seat, curled into a ball and not moving. "Peeta!" I yelled and started thumping on the window with my fists. I breathed a very, very brief sigh of relief when he startled and sat up suddenly, looking around for the source of the noise that had woken him with still sleepy eyes.
When he saw me he frowned and leaned over to unlock the door and I yanked it open and climbed into the backseat with him, touching all over his body under the two layers of coats he was wearing to make sure he was alright. "What the fuck are you doing out here?! It's freezing, you'll get sick!" I shouted right in his face even as I continued to check him over.
"Hey! W…will you stop screaming at me?!" He yelled back and pushed my hands away roughly. So roughly in fact, that I recoiled from him and scooted back until my back was pressed against the door I'd entered through. "I felt like I was going to have an episode s…so..so I came out here so I wouldn't hurt you!" He snarled and moved over against the other door, dropping his head into his hands. "You're welcome." He bit out sarcastically and I opened and closed my mouth a few times stunned.
"Oh…Peeta…" I started and reached a hand out towards him. He could hear the shifting of my coat as I moved and raised a hand.
"Don't….don't touch me, please Katniss…" he begged and I pulled my hand back reluctantly even though now that I knew what had happened, I wanted nothing more than to hold him. "Just…just go back to the trailer. I'll be there soon." He said and I was suddenly furious.
"Just go back to the trailer?!" I growled through bared teeth. "I…I…I wake up and realize you're gone and I find you curled up and freezing in the car and you want me to just leave you like that? Are you crazy?" I asked. I meant it to be a rhetorical question but Peeta's head snapped up and he glared at me.
"Yes, alright!" he roared and slammed his fists against the back of the driver's seat and the passenger seat he was sitting in. "I…I'm…fucking crazy, is that what you want to hear Katniss?!" He screamed and the tears that had been threatening to fall since I woke up without him began streaming silently down my cheeks.
"Peeta…you're not…" I started shakily but he cut me off.
"Yes I am, Kat! Non-crazy people don't have to risk…first degree frost bite because they can't sleep in a bed with their girlfriend without worrying that they might try to kill her!" He yelled and I reached out to grab ahold of one of his freezing hands despite his protests.
"Come here." I demanded and pulled him forward into my arms. Peeta raised his hands to my shoulders and tried to push away from me but I just pulled him closer and tightened my arms around him more.
"Let me go, Katniss!" Peeta growled and tried to raise his arms and break my hold on him but I just tightened them again and stubbornly told him no.
"Let go of me!" He howled and I could hear the tears in his voice as I tightened my arms like a vice and buried my head against his neck, whispering to him that it was okay, that I was there, that he would be alright.
I rocked him gently back and forth in my arms for longer than my senses told me was reasonable considering he could have been on his way to a full blown episode, but I could tell he was freezing and needed to get back inside the trailer.
"Peeta, come on, you need to get back inside and get warmed up." I begged him and he shook his head and curled more tightly into himself. "Damn it, Peeta, you're freezing, you need to get inside." I murmured brusquely rubbing his arms and back to try and get the blood flowing through his body. "Why didn't you just wake me up when you first started feeling off? We could have talked about it and…" He lifted his head from where it was pressed against my chest and glared at me.
"and what?" he snapped. "wake you up so that I could maybe try to strangle you?! Or maybe this time I would just snap your neck instead." He was heaving for breath, his eyes wild but not the kind of wild they were when he was having a true hijacking episode. "or there's always the one where I beat you to death, or stab you over and over and over again with a knife…"
"Stop!" I snapped at him between sobs. It was bad enough to know that Peeta still thought about killing me, it was a thousand times worse to hear him describe the ways he'd imagined doing it.
"No Katniss, you stop!" He cried burying his face in his hands. "Stop acting like this is no big deal and like we can just 'talk through it' when you know full well, that even being in the same room as me when I'm having an episode is dangerous. Just…just leave me alone, I'll come in soon." He said turning around in the seat to face away from me which broke the hold I had on him.
"No." I said folding my arms across my chest. "You're coming in with me. You aren't having an episode, I can tell by your eyes. And right now, I'm more worried about you freezing to death in the back of this car than I am about anything you might do to me if I make you go inside the trailer."
I could see that he was torn over what to do which meant that he really must have been extremely cold. I briefly wondered how long he had been in the car but I knew even in the few minutes I'd been in it I had begun to feel the cold.
"Alright, fine…but just…just stay away from me. Please?" The first part sounded angry but when he said please his voice broke and I knew he desperately wanted to make sure he didn't do anything to hurt me.
I nodded and opened my door, sliding out and putting my feet down in the snow. I waited until I saw Peeta climbing out of the car before I ran to the trailer and threw the door open. I threw my coat off and rushed to the bed where I began pulling blankets out from under it and covering the bed with them.
I was just placing the throw I'd taken from our bedroom at home on top of the pile when Peeta stomped in through the door and pushed it shut behind him. He coughed a few times in just the few steps it took for me to get to him.
"Katniss, Please…" he said holding his hands up, silently asking me to keep my distance. I folded my arms around myself and nodded even though it was nearly impossible for me to not help him when I knew he was both physically and mentally hurting. I had to settle for watching him pull off the two coats he was wearing followed by boots and one pair of socks which were obviously covering a few additional layers.
"Come on, get into bed and warm up." I said nodding towards the bed and going to the sink to start a pot of hot chocolate for him. Peeta didn't say anything, just coughed on his way to the bed and climbed under the piles of blankets. I glanced over at him occasionally as I was making the hot chocolate and could see that he was still visibly shaking from the cold but I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to make the situation any worse.
That was the worst part of Peeta's episodes, or in that particular case, near episodes; not being able to do anything to help him when he was having them because it would only cause him greater grief.
The whistle on the hot water kettle had just begun to blow when I looked over again to see Peeta still shaking underneath the covers. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut so I quietly slid the tea kettle off of the heat and crept over to my side of the bed. I watched him for a few moments, debating whether I was going to care or not that he Peeta was going to be mad at me for what I was about to do and finally decided that the good outweighed the bad for the moment.
I quickly started pulling off my clothes until I was left in my bra and panties and then lifted the blankets and climbed into bed, snuggling up to him closely. Peeta's eyes popped open and he looked at me in complete bewilderment, lifting the covers to see that I was undressed.
"Seriously?! Th…this g-gets you in the m-mood?!" he asked in such an appalled tone that I almost burst out laughing. Instead I just shook my head and reached for the hem of the sweatshirt he was wearing.
"No, Peeta, this definitely does not get me in the mood." I mumbled dryly and pulled the shirt over his head and tossed it away. "Sharing body heat is the fastest way for us to get your core temperature back up to normal though so take your clothes off." I said sternly and Peeta didn't argue, just quickly pulled his undershirt off next followed by his pants.
"You can leave your socks and underwear on." I said reaching out tentatively for him and gasping when he shifted over to let me wrap my arms around him. I had been right, he was absolutely freezing. "Oh, Peeta…" I whispered and pressed my lips to his forehead as I rubbed my hands up and down his back, sides and arms, still trying to get the warm blood flowing through him faster so that we wouldn't risk him developing hypothermia.
"I'm sorry, Kat…I'm so sorry." He murmured over and over against my collar bone and I just shushed him and continued to try and warm him up. It took almost 10 minutes to get his body to stop shaking completely and another 10 before his skin started feeling warm to the touch in the places I had been rubbing.
"Shh…it's okay Peet." I whispered when he kept repeating that he was sorry. "Shh.." I said soothingly and rolled to my back slightly, pulling him along so that he was lying partially on top of me. "I love you, it's okay." I said and Peeta lifted his head slightly and opened his eyes to find they were right in line with mine.
"I'm sorry." He said again, but more clearly this time and I knew he was back completely.
I smiled sadly and lifted my chin so that I could kiss his lips which were still slightly cold to the touch and reached for his hand between us and rubbed them between both of mine to warm up his fingers. As I did, Peeta's hands which had been balled into fists started to open slightly and I could feel that he was clutching something in his right one.
I looked into his eyes and he sighed and opened his hand all the way revealing the small wooden X laying on his palm. "I couldn't find anything to hang it on in the car and I…I didn't think you'd see it anyway with the snow…" he trailed off and I took it from him and tossed it on the floor with our clothes.
"You're okay now, I trust you." I whispered and kissed his lips and then each of his eyelids in turn so softly that I was surprised he felt it. He obviously had though because whether in response to my words or my kisses, he suddenly rolled his full weight on top of me, pressing me into the mattress urgently.
"Katniss…" he moaned and nipped at my neck and shoulder on one side as he began grounding his hips into mine. We hadn't made love since Friday morning in the Capitol and it was Wednesday morning. We would have been home by nightfall most likely but just like Peeta, I wasn't interested in waiting another second after the ordeal we'd just been through much less until we were home in District 12 that night.
"Yes…go on…" I gasped and reached down for his shorts as I felt his hands going behind my back to unhook my bra. His fingertips were still a little cold from being in the elements for so long and I smiled when I realized they must also have been a little numb because it took him longer than usual to pop the clasp. When he did finally get it though, we pushed away his boxers and my bra and squirmed against one another desperately.
"I'm so sorry, baby." He whispered through jagged breaths beside my ear and I nodded, pressing my chest up against his and wrapping my arms around him, stroking my fingernails up and down the length of his back as he began to thrust his hips against me through my panties with an almost careless need I only saw from him when he'd been fighting the demons that prowled behind his eyes.
I raised my hips in time with his thrusts and we both panted and moaned against each other's lips. I could feel a powerful orgasm building below my waist and I cried out when Peeta's head dipped to my chest. He peppered kisses in the space between my breasts and circles each nipple with his tongue and I realized he was set on giving me my orgasm first before he took care of any of his own needs.
"Ohhh…PEETA!" I cried out when he gently closed his teeth around one hardened peak and slid the length of his erection against my clitoris through my quickly dampening panties. It took my breath away that he was this excited and still able to think of my needs first and that was what pushed me over the edge.
I arched my back straight off of the mattress into Peeta as I felt that wonderful sensation of a tightly coiled spring being released inside of me. Knowing that we were completely alone lowered my inhibitions greatly and I screamed his name as I came.
When I finally came back to my senses, I briefly worried that I may have blacked out from the intensity of my release and found Peeta smiling down into my eyes lovingly.
"Hey…" I whispered lazily raising an arm so that I could stroke his cheek. "…a…apology accepted." I grinned and reached down to hold his shaft in both hands, stroking slowly with one hand and following it up with the other as I worked to bring him the same kind of pleasure he had just brought to me.
Peeta smiled down at me and then slowly rolled to his back when I started touching him. I kissed his chin, his neck and across his shoulders, nipping at his skin with my teeth lightly as I did. If possible, I felt him grow even harder in my hands and I started to slide down his body toward my goal where I planned to bring him his own release.
"N..no…" Peeta grunted, tugging me back up to be eye level with him. "I wa…I need to be inside of you…right now." He gasped and I nodded quickly and let go of him as he was reaching for my panties. Peeta continued to kiss my chest as he tugged the underwear down my legs and pushed them aside. I raised my knees and let my legs fall open invitingly and Peeta kneeled between my legs and wrapped his arms around the bends behind my knees as he lined his hips up with mine.
I watched him as he bit his lip and moaned as just the tip entered me first and we both cried out when he thrust into me in one quick, hard motion and then collapsed forward against me. "Shit, Katniss." He groaned, holding still to try and let me adjust to him. I knew he was extremely close already so I held still, letting him catch his breath a moment before he dropped his hands flat on the mattress beside my shoulders and then I slowly raised my hips to let him know I wanted him to start moving.
"Go on…it's okay sweetie." I whispered and kissed his head beside one sweaty sideburn. I felt Peeta nod and then he dropped his face to my neck, pressing soft kisses there as he slowly began to pump his hips in and out of me. I wasn't surprised to feel that same coiling building in my belly again and I knew Peeta could sense it when he began moving faster and faster in response to the noises I was making.
"Katniss…" he grunted, rocking faster and harder into me than I could remember and I wrapped my arms around his torso, holding him down to me as we simply rocked back and forth against each other and I felt that inner rubber band snap gloriously again just as Peeta stilled inside of me and I felt the rush of warmth that came with his orgasm.
He collapsed on top of me and we remained joined long after I felt him soften inside of me, neither of us wanting to break the spell of the moment. I stroked my nails lightly up and down his back soothingly and shifted my hips slightly when him being inside of me finally started to feel uncomfortable. Peeta took the cue and lifted his hips from me which caused a groan to rise out of the two of us and he moved only enough to drop his hips down onto the mattress. He dropped his head to my shoulder and I turned onto my side to hold him close as we basked in the afterglow of our encounter.
"Feeling better?" I asked reaching up to brush his sweaty bangs back from his forehead. Peeta smiled slowly, his eyes still closed and nodded.
"Can't say I feel cold anymore." He murmured sleepily and I touched his cheek and he opened his eyes. "I do feel a little embarrassed though." He said dropping his eyes to my pearl necklace which he reached out to toy with nervously. "I'm sorry I yelled at you…and…and spoke to you the way I did." He whispered and I shook my head and kissed his face beneath one eye.
"You were just trying to protect me. I understand that." I shrugged. "Just so long as you understand that trying to protect you is what I'm doing when I come after you during something like that…" I said propping my head up on one elbow and looking down into his face. "I love you Peeta. I can't be expected to act rationally when I know you're in pain." I said softly. "I can accept the harsh way you talk to me when you're worried about an episode coming on, if you can accept my complete inability to stay away from you without being physically restrained when you feel an episode coming on." I said with a sad smile and Peeta lifted his head and and the arm that he had thrown across my torso and smiled back at me as he ran his fingers through my hair.
"Deal?" I asked turning my head to kiss his wrist beside my face.
"Deal." He said and leaned in to kiss my lips gently. "We should probably get up and start getting ready to leave if we want to be home before dark." He said reluctantly climbing out of the bed and going over to the open bathroom door.
"Wanna try and squeeze in there together?" he teased nodding toward the shower. I smiled and pulled the covers up around me better shaking my head.
"No, you go on. Just save some hot water for me okay?" I asked and he nodded and smiled shyly at me once more before he stepped into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on.
I let my own smile falter just a little as I raised the pearl on my necklace to my lips and began rolling it back and forth gently and wondered if there would ever be a time in our lives when we could be happy every day without worrying that the horrors of our past were waiting to pounce whenever they liked.