Interlude 5

Peeta

In my dream I'm in the meadow just outside of District 12 spending a lazy day with my family. Bow and Finnick chase each other, hiding behind patches of long grass and wildflowers, giggling happily. Katniss and I are on a blanket together and she has her head resting in my lap, laughing at my insistance that I am practicing my knot making as I play with her dark, sun-warmed hair.

My eyes pop open suddenly and I'm back in mine and Katniss' bedroom sprawled out on the big comfy chair Katniss used for nursing the kids when they were babies. Haymitch is standing at the bottom of the ottoman looking at me as I slowly bring my arms up to wrap around my little girl. Bow is still asleep with her head on my chest, her arms and legs hanging over either side of my torso, and the remains of my lunch have fallen to the floor beside the chair.

I yawn and nod to Haymitch, mumbling an apology for not letting him know that Bow stayed here with me.

"Figured she got…held up." Haymitch whispers with a sad smile and looks at Bow who snorts and turns her body so that she is curled up against my chest. When I glance up at Haymitch again, he is looking towards the window obviously trying to keep his emotions in check. It is moments like this that remind me why Katniss and I have remained so close with him throughout the years and why we consider him a part of our family.

"Daddy…" She mumbles in her sleep and pushes herself up so that her head is under my chin. I don't even bother making an excuse for myself to Haymitch because from the way he is looking at me, he knows sending her right back home after she brought me lunch was never an option.

"Shh…it's okay." I whisper and rub Bow's back gently as Haymitch moves to stand right beside the chair. Glancing at the open bedroom windows, I see from the position of the sun that Bow and I have been sleeping for at least a couple of hours if not longer. "Katniss send you over to get her?" I ask quietly and Haymitch shakes his head.

"She's still asleep, Finn too. I thought I should come over and get her before the boy wakes up and figures out Bow was over here." He explains and I nod even though I wish he could let me keep her for a just a little bit longer. I wish that I could see Finn too, but at least Bow is old enough that separation anxiety isn't something we have to worry too much about. Finn is still smack in the middle of that phase and I'm afraid that if he saw me now, we'd have to enact the emergency alert system for all of District 12 in preparation for the meltdown he'd have.

As I climb off of the chair carefully and gently transfer Bow from my arms to Haymitch's, I ask him to let her know I gave her lots of kisses before he took her back to his house. I can tell Haymitch is trying to avoid direct eye contact with me so I know I must still have the tortured, hijacked look in my eyes. If nothing else, it at least confirms for me that I am doing the right thing in sending my family to his house for the night.

"I'll do you one better." Haymitch grins and lifts a small plate he's been holding behind his back on the side he isn't holding Bow. The items on the plate are covered in plastic wrap that is mashing the frosting piled on top of them slightly but I can still make out a pair of chocolate cupcakes from a batch I made a few days ago.

"I'll give these to them when they wake up and tell them they're from you." He says holding the large cupcakes up for me to look at. "Their dinners will be good and spoiled, and I can blame it on you so that I don't get in trouble with your wife." He smirks and I smile and glance out the open bedroom window.

It's only mid afternoon and I'm already dreading facing the dark of night without my family safe and sound at home in their beds. Instead of thinking about it any more than that, I grab a bag from the closet and pack something for Katniss to sleep in and a change of clothes for her for tomorrow. Haymitch follows me silently, still holding Bow on his shoulder as we head into each of the children's rooms and I pack clothes for both of them.

Just as I'm heading back to the door of Bow's bedroom, I stop when I see her favorite doll lying at the foot of her bed. I pick it up and turn it over in my hands, remembering the day Katniss' mother gave it to Bow when she first came home from the hospital as a newborn baby and then I place it in the bag as well because I know she needs it to sleep at night.

"Let me just grab Finn's blanket…" I mumbled slipping past Haymitch in the hallway to head back into my son's room. "He needs it for bedtime and Bow's dolly is in here for her." I explain and catch a shadow of pity in Haymitch's face as I pass him.

"Don't look at me like that." I snap and he has the decency to drop his eyes to the floor as he steps back to let me by. Haymitch of all people can understand why I hate being looked upon with pity so it makes me especially mad when he's on the giving end of it with me.

As I'm exiting Finn's bedroom stuffing the blanket into the last remaining cubic centimeter of space into the overnight bag, I stop as Bow groans and rubs her face into Haymitch's neck before lifting her head.

"Daddy?" She asks groggily and rubs her eyes and yawns. She looks at Haymitch first and her little brows furrow in confusion before she realizes they aren't alone in the hallway and she smiles sleepily at me.

"Daddy." She says reaching her arms out to me, but I don't take her because I know if I do, I won't ever be able to let her go. Instead, I gently slip the overnight back over her head so that the straps cross her chest and press a kiss to her cheek.

"It's okay baby, Paw-paw just came over to get you and take you back to his house before Mommy and Finn wake up." I say and I can see she is trying really hard to keep her emotions in check so I start to ramble. "I…I put your dolly in here, and you can give Finn his blanket so he sleeps tonight."

Bow just nods and lays her head back on Haymitch's shoulder without a word and I know that she's upset that I'm sending her away again. "Be good for Mommy tonight, okay?" I say and reach out to brush her hair back from her face gently. "And Paw-paw too if you feel like it." I wink and she offers me the hint of a smile but nothing more.

"Okay, off we go." Haymitch says turning and heading for the stairs as I'm sure he's recognized that Bow is barely holding on to her emotions at this point. I follow them as far as the top step and my heart breaks a little when I see Bow turn her head into Haymitch's neck so that she can't see me as he carries her down the steps.

"I'll give you a c-a-l-l once everyone is down for the night." Haymitch shouts up to me from the bottom step. I smile for the first time since I woke up when Bow lifts her head and looks right into his face.

"You spelled 'call' Paw-paw, I spell reaaaaally good." Bow says still sounding sleepy and Haymitch frowns and rolls his eyes at her before giving me the 'man is she like her mother' look that has become more common in our family the older Bow has gotten.

"Yes, yes…terrific for you." He grunts and I shake my head when I hear him telling her it's more grammatically correct to say 'really well' not really 'good' just before the front door slams shut behind them.

I continue to smile until the crushing silence of a house without my children's laughter and my wife's playful teasing reminds me that I will spend this night with only the thought of hopefully holding them in my arms again soon to help me fight off the nightmares I know will be coming tonight.

I cast a glance at the children's bedroom doors and return to my room to try and get as much sleep as I can before night.

Katniss

I was in the middle of a wonderful dream that I honestly didn't even care I knew was a dream. Peeta and I were sitting on the bank of what our children now refer to as 'our lake' since most of the district enjoys their summer at community pools that have popped up here and there in the new Panem and rarely found reason to venture out to the lake in the woods. Part of me wonders if they aren't still a little afraid to go into the woods that were forbidden for so much of our lives here.

Our children splash and play in the shallows together, naked and innocent as the day they were born. In my dream, Peeta and I keep a watchful eye on them from the large rock we usually lie on to dry off after we've been swimming. Peeta is sketching the kids on a large drawing pad and I am working on stringing two bows which I will use to teach our children how to shoot.

In the dream, Peeta never lost his left leg and our skin is untouched by the fire from the explosion that killed Prim…because that explosion, and the war that saw us worming our way through the Capitol streets, losing more friends than I care to remember, never was.

"Katniss! Are these the berries you said were okay to eat?" Her voice doesn't startle me in the dream, because in the dream world I've built inside my head over the years, Prim never died in that fire at the Capitol either.

I am just turning my head to inspect the berries dream Prim is holding out to me from where she has just emerged from the forest behind me and Peeta when I'm jolted out of my dream as my son's big toe digs into my cheek. My eyes pop open and I see that Finn has squirmed around during his nap to the point he is upside down on the bed, hence the foot in my face.

I'm only sad for a moment about not finishing the dream because I know it will visit me again soon as it does so almost weekly. I'm also only sad for a moment because I can't possibly be sad for long when the sight I'm met with as a lift my head is my son spread eagle on the bed beside me with one foot in my face and the other resting lightly on my stomach.

I take a moment to look him over during a rare moment where he's not moving and try to memorize each one of his features at the exact age he is right this second. He favors Peeta in so many ways from the mop of shaggy blonde hair on his head to the way he is sucking his thumb steadily in his sleep. The parts that are me, his slate gray Seam eyes, blink open as I trace a finger over the curve of his chubby little belly.

"Mom-mee." He whispers hoarsely as he rubs his eyes and sits up. "Go see Da-dee?" he asks and points to the bedroom door.

I look into Finn's sad gray eyes and sigh before I pull him back over into my side on the bed. "He's still not feeling well baby." I whisper and kiss his soft hair. "We're going to have a sleepover at Paw-paw's tonight. How bout that?" I ask trying to sound excited but I think Finn is smart enough to know fake enthusiasm when he hears it. I give him a second to run the idea of sleeping at Paw-paw's over in his head and in response, he just grunts and reaches for the pearl around my neck.

"I want my Da-dee." He whimpers and I tell him that I do too before we take turns kissing the pearl. Finn scoots up and places his head on my shoulder with a shuddering breath. I pat his diapered bottom for a few minutes as we just lay here trying to make each other feel better when I hear little footsteps charging up the stairs and know Bow must be up from her nap as well.

Finn lifts his head from my shoulder and smiles when Bow gently pushes the bedroom door open and slips inside.

"Sissy!" he yells excitedly and sits up on his knees holding his arms out to Bow. She giggles and runs full tilt to the end of the bed and leaps up with us, tackling Finn to the mattress and rolling across the bed into my side with him squealing.

"Ooo! Be careful, careful Bow." I scold lightly and sit up so that I don't end up taking Bow or Finnick's head to the gut. "He just woke up, let him get his bearings before you start brutalizing him." I say but smile as I watch them rough house together. Bow brings out the big guns and starts tickling Finn's neck which, like his father, is his most ticklish spot. Finn is able to stand about 30 seconds of this before he bursts into tears and starts trying to push her hands away.

I already know what's coming next and I start shaking my head even before the indignant 'Mama!' can leave Finn's mouth.

"No way," I say as Finn climbs into my arms in hopes that I will protect him. "You wanted to play rough with your sister." I chuckle as he huffs and flops down on the bed beside me on his belly and calls out for Haymitch, looking for some sympathy.

"Paw-paw will tell you the same thing." I assure him and he rolls onto his back and kicks his feet in the air saying his favorite word.

"Nnnnno!"

I can't help but laugh softly which just ticks him off more and Finn squirms down off the bed and starts for the door. If only we'd known how appropriate his name would be when we first gave it to him, Peeta and I might have taken a different means to honor our dead friend because our son is sincerely the most finicky child I've ever come across.

"Finn, go try the toilet before you go downstairs with Paw-paw!" I call after him and by the way he picks up speed when he reaches the door, I know he's not interested in listening to me in the slightest. "Finnick…" I warn and hear him giggling over the gentle slap of his bare feet against the wooden steps as he hurries downstairs.

Bow giggles too but covers her mouth to try and hide it from me and I shoot her a disapproving look. "Big help you are." I tease and reach over to tickle her belly which makes Bow laugh harder as she rolls onto her back beside me and I sit up and cross my legs in front of me.

"Did you have a good nap when you got back from taking Daddy his lunch?" I ask leaning over to kiss Bow's cheek. Pulling back, I can see that Bow has her 'busted' face on and I frown, assuming that she is about to confess to me that she didn't take one. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm being honest. She is getting a little old for naps and I know leaving Haymitch in charge usually leads to the kids manipulating him into allowing things Peeta and I never would (yet another thing my mother claims is written in the grandparents bill of rights).

I am, however, surprised by what she confesses to instead. "I didn't take a nap here, I took a nap with Daddy." She rushes out in one breath and I smile sadly but say nothing to scold her.

"How's Daddy doing?" I ask and once Bow realizes she isn't in trouble, she moves behind me to play with my braid.

"Okay." She says with a shrug and unties my hair and begins running her fingers through the pieces of the braid so that it splays out across my back. "He napped too." She says simply and I close my eyes and lean my head back as she plays with my hair. I think sometimes that my daughter would make the kind of stylist Cinna would be proud of. "But…but I think I did something wrong…" She says in such a tiny voice that I know she is about to cry.

My children are not generally criers which makes the amount of crying they've each done today magnify how obviously affected by Peeta's episodes they both are.

I turn around and take Bow's hands, rubbing my thumbs over the back of them to try and calm her down.

"Oh, baby…Why do you think that?" I ask gently and reach one hand out to touch her chin and I tilt her face so that I am looking into her watery blue eyes. The concern that must be written all over my face makes the tears fall down her cheeks and she is suddenly crying so hard that she's making no noise.

I pull her up onto my lap and rock her like a baby, rubbing her back and whispering soothing nonsense words to try and settle her enough to find out what happened at our house.

"Bow," I say stroking her hair back from her face and looking down into her eyes. "Take deep breaths, deep breaths." I whisper and she finally starts trying to settle herself. It seems to work and I hold her cheeks in my hands and ask her to try telling me again.

"I..I…I asked Daddy if I could stay with him and i…it made him s-sad…" She finally manages to choke out and I hug her close. At barely 5 ½ Bow isn't emotionally mature enough to make a distinction between all of the different emotions an adult can be feeling about a particular situation and so she has automatically assigned herself the blame for the sadness her father felt when she told him she wanted to stay with him.

"Oh, Bowie, Daddy was sad because he wanted you to stay with him, not because he didn't want you there." I say and she starts crying again and tells me that he said she 'was killing him'. "Poor choice of words, Peet." I mumble to myself and roll my eyes as I rock Bow in my arms again. I know he's not in his right mind at the moment, but I have to make it a point to tell Peeta that saying 'you're killing me' to our five-year-old daughter probably isn't the best course of action to take if this happens in the future.

I can't stand to see my usually bright and bubbly daughter so unhappy so I try to think of something to redirect her from the sadness she feels.

"Bow, wasn't Daddy happy while you were there though?" I ask when she settles down again. Bow nods slightly and wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands and sits up a little in my lap and reaches for the pearl. I brush back her hair from her face and wait patiently for her to continue which she does after rolling the pearl around on the chain a few times.

"W…we snuggled in the mommy chair and Daddy ate all of his lunch." She says quietly and then smiles. "I ate a piece of Daddy's apple and then we talked about what we'll do when he feels better." I smile when I recognize this as something my Peeta would definitely do with our children to console them. I guess he's redeemed himself slightly from the 'you're killing me' comment.

"Oh yeah? What did you two decide you're going to do?" I ask tickling her bare feet and she giggles.

"Not just me and Daddy, silly, all of us!" she says and reaches out to play with the pearl on my necklace. "We're going to go to our lake and swim, and to see Maw-Maw, and to the bakery to make a cake for Daddy's birthday." She says ticking each item off on the fingers of the hand not playing with my necklace.

"All in the same day?!" I gasp pretending to be appalled at such a busy schedule to pack into the day after Peeta feels better again. Bow giggles again and rolls her eyes at me in exactly the same way her father does when he knows I am making a joke at his expense and she reaches up to hold my face between her chubby hands.

"No Mommy, one thing every day until Daddy's birthday!" She says and looks towards the door before cupping her hands around my ear to share a secret. I feel a pang in my chest as I think of Peeta and how if he were here right now, he would be pouting at the two of us for being left out of the 'girl talk'.

"I'm doing a painting for Daddy for his birthday, but don't tell him, okay?" She says and I nod sincerely. Bow takes her paintings very, very seriously and she hates for anyone to see them before she is able to properly (and a bit dramatically) unveil them.

We obviously recognize that her talent for art is beyond that of a typical child her age, but we also want our children to be humble. Peeta only hangs certain paintings of Bow's around the house and he has started giving her lessons on how to bring out the best of her own artistic style which varies a little from Peeta's.

Bow, who idolizes her father, hangs on his every word when he is teaching her and it is in those moments watching them together that I'm so very glad I came to my senses and decided to have children with Peeta. It's the same feeling I have when I take her into the woods and teach her about plants and animals or when I teach her to swim in the same waters I learned in as a child. It's the feeling I have when I see Finn notice that Peeta is acting withdrawn in the way he only does when he feels an episode coming on and my sweet little boy climbs into his arms for a well-timed snuggle.

We head downstairs hand in hand and feeling better in general after talking about the happier plans Bow has in mind for when the X is gone. It is as if Bow planning these events has reminded us both that this episode won't last forever and we will eventually have our husband and father back.

"Yayyy!" I hear Finn screeching from the kitchen and look down at Bow with a mixture of appreciation that her brother is no longer sulking and/or crying his eyes out, and fear that whatever has him so revved up is courtesy of Haymitch and located on that list I mentioned of things Peeta and I would never allow our children to do.

Bow makes a face that tells me she's basically having the same thought as we round the corner into Haymitch's kitchen and come face to face with the truth of that fear.

"Mom-mee! Look a cut-cake!" Finn chirps happily from where he's perched in his high chair. I hear Bow trying to stifle a giggle beside me as I take in the sight of my son with his face covered in chocolate and one of the last of the giant cupcakes Peeta made a few days ago sitting in pieces on his tray. They lasted pretty well since we had been cutting them into thirds and allowing the kids to have one third of a cupcake at lunch and another at dinner.

From what I can see of the remains of a cupcake that have been smeared all over Finn's head, face and chest…he's eaten one of the large cupcakes in its entirety.

I close my eyes and sigh, thinking about just what ramifications I will have to face tonight now that Finn has had a long nap and Haymitch has given him a cupcake with enough sugar that I would liken what I think it will do to my toddler to what would happen if an adult drank 10 cups of coffee.

"Haymitch…" I sigh and close my eyes, already thinking about Finn being awake all night after the day we've had so far. When I open my eyes Haymitch is grinning proudly from his seat at the table where he is halfway through his own giant cupcake and see another one waiting at Bow's seat for her. "First of all…you need to either hose him down in the backyard or bathe him because I'm not going to…second, I hope you haven't had a lot of…"I glance down at Bow who is looking at her brother shaking her head and trying to look stern for my sake. "… 'special juice' today because when they are both up until 3 a.m., you will be the one awake with them." I say folding my arms over my chest.

Haymitch sits back in his chair with a smile and nods toward my house. "Peeta sent them over for them." He says innocently. "I told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted." He assures me with a helpless shrug and I narrow my eyes at him knowing that there is absolutely no way Peeta has sent these cupcakes to the children knowing that I would be without his help tonight.

"They're from Daddy!?" Bow says excitedly and grabs my hand, looking up at me pleadingly. "Can I have mine, please Mommy!?" She asks hopping up and down and I glare at Haymitch who is chuckling as he eats.

He knows I can rarely deny Bow anything and since I've already forewarned him that he will absolutely be in charge of the kids if they do in fact spend the night hopped up on sugar, I tell her to go ahead. "Just try not to cover yourself in icing like your brother did…" I sigh and walk over to the highchair where I bend down and kiss Finn's cheek, nibbling on a bit of chocolate frosting on his jaw as I do and making him squeal with laughter.

"Seriously, clean him up." I say raising my eyebrows at Haymitch as Finn happily smears more chocolate onto his head. As he does this, it makes his hair color closer to mine and Bow's than Peeta's.

"Sure, sure…" Haymitch says around a mouthful of cupcake and nods at Finn. "Just…let him finish his treat, he's enjoying himself." He argues and I scoff.

"Of course he is, you just gave him the same amount of sugar in one sitting as Peeta and I usually allow him to have in a month." I grumble and go to the fridge to make a milk cup for Finn to wash his cupcake down with.

Haymitch rolls his eyes and lifts Bow onto his lap when she grabs her cupcake and comes over to stand beside him. "Oh please, Peeta's always sneaking these two treats between meals. What's the fun of having a father who's a baker if you can't enjoy the sweets he makes from time to time?" He says as Bow leans back against his chest and puts her bare feet up on the edge of the table with a grin.

I finally break when I see the little chocolate mustache on her upper lip after she takes her first bite. "These are really, REALLY good Mama." Bow declares and I smile softly and lean over the table as she holds her cupcake up for me to take a bite.

"Thatta girl." Haymitch laughs and I shake my head before I sit down in my own chair and finally give in to the fact that BOTH Haymitch and Peeta have decided for me that spoiling Bow and Finnick every once in a while when their father is having an episode is acceptable.

I want to disagree with them, but I'm finding it impossible to do so when both children in question look more relaxed and happy than I've seen them since this morning.

I wish the cupcakes would have the same effect on my mood but I settle for putting on the fake smile I always keep handy for these days and make a silent wish that this will all be over tomorrow.

"I'm going to sit on the porch for a little." I say needing a moment to myself and not feeling at all guilty about it after spending most of the day so far brushing away every tear from Bow's face and enduring Finn's exhausting tantrums.

Both children start to protest my leaving them for even a second but Haymitch cuddles Bow. "Mommy's not going far, you eat your cupcake Bow." He whispers and sets her in his chair.

Bow looks at me with big sad eyes and I smile softly. "I'll just be on the porch, you can come out when you're finished eating." I tell her and Finn pouts.

"I go too!" He whines as Haymitch slides back the tray on his high chair and gingerly lifts him out of the seat. Finn squirms to get down and for a moment my smile as real as I watch Haymitch trying to wrangle my chocolate covered son.

"No, no! You need a bath first!" Haymitch says holding Finn out in front of him as he starts walking towards the hallway with Finn chanting 'no bath'.

"Careful digging it out of his ears!" I call after him as I push the door to the porch open. "He hates that!" I smirk and I can just hear Haymitch mumbling to himself over Finn's continued chanting.

As I step out onto the porch and look over at my house I quickly search each window to see if my husband is in one of them and am only a little disappointed when he's not. As much as I want to see Peeta, I know it won't bring me any comfort until I can touch him and see it in his eyes that the hijacked look is gone from them.

I move to the porch swing and drop down into it. I pull one foot up under me on the swing and leave the other on the ground so that I can push myself back and forth on the swing.

They say smell is the strongest sense connected to memory but as I start pushing the swing gently and hear the familiar creak that has come with years of use reminds me of another time when I sat here looking at my home while Peeta was behind a door with an X on the knob. A time before our children and before our toasting when I was still young and working my way through a lifetime of pain that left me unable to commit to Peeta in the way he wanted me to most…