Chapter 12: Christmas Night

Anna knew that the time leading up to Christmas would be bad, but her excitement over Kaidan's gift had helped to alleviate her gloom. But now that her distraction was gone, her heartache began to set back in. She had never enjoyed spending Christmas away from either of her parents, but there had always been the opportunity to see them, even if it was in a vid-chat for an hour. Now there was no way to see her father again, and it made Anna long for her father even more.

Her mother seemed to think that staying on the ship where there were plenty of memories of her father wasn't enough. She also had to spend time on Arcturus, even though her mother gave every other crew member the choice to leave the ship. A few of Anna's older friends had asked if she wanted to join them, but Anna turned them down. There was no reason for her to spoil anyone's good mood on Christmas Day.

So now she was stuck in one of the main thoroughfares for Arcturus Station, walking towards a small park. Some of the 'tough guys' liked to say that it was only for the civilian contractors, but Anna had always thought that it was a nice place to go that wasn't the monotonous grey they painted the rest of the station. Anna and her parents frequently went there to meet, and for the holiday season, the staff would light all the trees in the park. They were a magical part of her youth, but they were also a strong tie with her father. The lights on the trees always seemed to sparkle in her memories, but Anna knew that these lights were sparkling from unshed tears, though she wasn't sure what emotion it was. Anna started when her mother approached, attempting to erase her tears.

"Anna –" Hannah started, but footsteps interrupted them. "Captain Hackett, Lieutenant Commander Anderson," she greeted, and Anna instantly straightened.

"Hannah, it's good to see you again," Captain Hackett responded. Her mother smiled in response.

"I could say the same thing. How has your ship been doing?" Hannah responded.

"Everything has been going well. We've had to keep an eye on a few Batarian ships. We think they may be slaver ships, but we aren't certain. Still, better to be safe than sorry. So we're setting up some more patrols in the region." While Annalisa knew that her father had great respect for his now-former Captain, his words grated on Anna's nerves. The Captain then turned his attention to Anna. "Hello again, Annalisa. I hope you've been well."

"I have, sir," she responded, trying her hardest to fix a smile on her face. Her mother would be upset if she didn't.

"How has your biotic training been going?" Anderson asked her. Everyone seemed to act as though nothing had happened. Why was it that no one could seem to understand that things were not okay? She was standing here alone when her father should be here. He would joke about how his boss was too tough and the officers never knew what they were doing. He would then say that it was okay because all the people they went up against were dumber or their plans were so stupid, they were brilliant. But he wasn't there, so something was terribly wrong.

"Anna, Commander Anderson asked you a question." Her mother prompted. Anna opened her mouth, but no sound seemed to want to come out. She wasn't sure if she wanted to get angry or get sad, and her voice wasn't sure either. A ping from her omni-tool saved her from having to look at anyone there.

"That's Kaidan. I need to take this call." She quickly turned, walking off.

"Lisa –" Hannah called after her, placing a hand on her Anna's shoulder. The reminder of her father's special nickname was too much. Anna harshly broke out of her mother's grasp and ran, tears running down her face. She wanted to be anywhere but here, feel anything but this gaping pain, do anything but face her world. She ran, not paying attention to where she was, turning corners at random. Part of her mind registered that she was flaring, which was why nobody had run into her. They had instead turned into blurs of color. But finally, the blurs became less frequent, and eventually became nonexistent. She was out of breath, her legs were burning, and she didn't have the will to run any further. So she collapsed against a wall, exhausted and crying. After allowing herself a few sobs, she attempted to rearrange her appearance, roughly brushing away the tear tracks on her face.

"Ca – Call Kaidan," she gasped. Alright, now try to be neutral. Don't let him know that you're hurting. He doesn't want to hear about gushy mushy feelings. That's dumb. Who wants to talk to some depressing girl? Not him. So suck it up. Mom can do it; so can you. Kaidan picked up the call, but his smile quickly turned into a frown. My eyes are probably red.

"Hey," His tone was gentle, concerned. "What's wrong?" Memories of what had just transpired flashed back, and the swell of emotions overwhelmed her as she burst out crying again. Between sobs, she told him what had happened, though she felt like she was crossing a glass-covered floor. The whole time, he said nothing, but listened patiently.

"I wish we weren't separated. I wish I could do more than just offer words across light-years of space. But right now, my words will have to do, so please listen to them." She looked up, right into his eyes. He had sat down outside his aunt's house, mirroring her position. "Your mother is trying to help both of you move on. She probably thought the place would bring back good memories. Even if she didn't, you would have had to pass through eventually. Maybe she was just trying to help you get used to seeing these places without your father. Either way, I doubt that you're the only one who's hurting."

"Then why doesn't she cry? Why can't I stop crying?" Tears were still streaming down her face, and she roughly dried her face with one hand.

"Because you're mourning. Sadness is a part of it. Crying is a natural reaction. There's a reason that others cried at the funeral. It's because they were upset too. They were hurting too." He sighed and held up his hand, silently asking for a moment before he continued. "And about your mother? I doubt that she isn't hurting. Your mother is simply a tough woman. She has to be. She has to command an entire ship. She has to determine what everyone should be doing, where they're going, and keep everyone in line while maintaining her cool. If she fell apart on the bridge every five minutes, nobody would take her seriously. So she has to look cool." His words made sense to her. "But that doesn't mean she's ok. It doesn't mean she's done mourning." She let out a long sigh. Looks like you really screwed up, Anna.

"I guess I just look like a stupidly hot mess," she dried one final tear as she looked at the ceiling.

"No. You sound like someone who's trying to deal with a lot. Sometimes it helps to have an outside opinion." He really is too good to me, she thought to herself as a small smile crossed her face.

"Well, it helps when you have this amazingly smart friend to help." He chuckled.

"Yeah, having friends helps. And I know you'd tell me the same thing if our roles were reversed," he affirmed. "You feel better now?"

"Better. Not totally better, but better than earlier. I don't know how I'm going to do out there though." She sighed as she evaluated herself, and she was honest.

"That's good. Why don't you go back and say you're sorry?" She nodded her head, but froze when she looked up. She didn't recognize her surroundings. She had been to the station several times and knew her way around, but didn't recognize anything around her.

"I can't," she whispered softly.

"Why not? What's wrong?"

"I'm lost," she admitted.

"Then just ask someone for directions," he suggested.

"There's no one here, Kaidan," she spoke, looking around. "I've been to most of the station, but I've never been here. I think I may have found a maintenance hall." She was trying to keep the fear out of her voice, but she had a feeling that she was losing that battle. He sat still, quiet for a minute. But the expression on his face told her that he was deep in thought.

"Give me a minute. I need to hang up with you, but I won't be long." After a deep breath, Anna nodded, determined not to fall apart while Kaidan was gone. After her nod, Kaidan hung up, and the silence he left behind seemed to ring. Trying to pass the time, Anna flared experimentally, trying to perfect her singularity by tossing a shoe in and watching the shoe react. Kaidan's return call startled her and the singularity faded out of existence. "Ok, I've got a plan. Show me where you are. I have pictures of what the maintenance halls look like." Anna obliged and used her omni-tool to show him where she was. "Ok, this is the maintenance hall. Let me send a message real quick."

"Who are you talking to?" She asked.

"Captain Hackett. He, Anderson, and your mother are trying to find where you are." He slid her video over to the side and turned his attention elsewhere. "What I'm going to do is use your omni-tool data and theirs to try to see how far you are from them. I'm also going to use a map that Hackett gave me to try to guess what part of the maintenance you're in. Hopefully you aren't too far in, and we can find you soon." He looked at his data streams, and Anna had never felt so grateful for his skills. While there were occasional lapses of silence, Kaidan kept up a conversation with Anna for most of the search, which Anna was grateful for. But in one of their pauses, Anna hushed Kaidan.

"Do you hear that?" she whispered, trying to listen for the noise again.

"I don't hear anything," Kaidan said. But then Anna heard it again. It was a faint noise, but it was stronger than last time. Someone was calling her name.

"I can hear them!" She scrambled up from her place and started to run in the direction of the voices. The echoes became louder and she could hear the female voice become distinct.

"Anna! Where are you?!" Annalisa had never been so glad to hear her mother's voice. But it wasn't until later that Anna realized the fear in her mother's voice.

"Over here!" Anna shouted as she ran towards her mother's voice. Just then, she turned a corner, and they finally caught sight of each other. Both women sprinted towards each other. Vaguely, Anna heard Kaidan tell the others that Anna had been found before he ended his connection to her omni-tool. Hannah caught her daughter in an embrace, and Anna realized that her mother was shaking.

"I was so scared. Please, Anna. Please don't ever do that to me again." Anna's emotions got the better of her, and she started crying again.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to be brave, and I knew I couldn't be. Not like you." Her mother's grip tightened.

"No. No, you are far more like me than you realize. But please don't shut your emotions out. And never mistake that for bravery. That will only hurt you in the long run."

"Then why don't you cry?"

"Some days, your tears are enough for me. Some days it hurts so badly, I can't even cry. Some days, I wait until you're fast asleep. And then I cry." But as her mother spoke, Anna felt tears course down her temple. It was in that moment that she realized what courage was. It wasn't a lack of fear, but it was facing something in spite of being afraid. She tightened her grip on her mother. Both women heard two pairs of boots join them, but neither cared.

"Glad to see you two together again," Anderson commented. "And you have a very smart friend. I hope he's considered a job in the Alliance. We could use some good engineers." Anna gave a chuckle.

"Thank you both for helping. I don't know what I would have done without all of you, Kaidan included." She dried her tears once more, and Hackett made an excuse for him and Anderson to leave the pair alone, wishing them a happy new year as they left. For several minutes, Anna and her mother stayed as they were, still holding each other before Anna spoke. "I'm so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't."

"It's ok, sweetheart. Do you want to go back to the ship? Where do you want to go?" Anna thought for a minute.

"Shady's Sundaes?" They both cried a few tears. Shady's had been a hang-out spot for the family whenever they stopped at Arcturus to trade Anna between them. Her mother nodded.

"If you want to. You want your usual?" Anna nodded and they walked together towards the shop.