Interlude 6
"Look! Look! Mommy, I catched one!" Bow screeches, barreling across Haymitch's backyard with a jar in her outstretched hands. Haymitch and I are sitting across from each other with a small fire pit lit between us as the children run off what is hopefully the last of the energy they built up between napping and stuffing themselves with cupcakes in the afternoon.
When Bow complained that she and Finn were 'bored' about an hour ago, Haymitch got them each an old jar and a lid from inside the house and told them to try and catch some fireflies. I warned him earlier that he had better be prepared to start running laps around the house with the kids if they were still hyped up by bath and bedtime which was drawing nearer and nearer.
"Very nice!" I say excitedly as Bow leans over the arm of my chair with a single firefly blinking steadily away inside the jar she's holding.
"It's caught, actually." Haymitch corrects and I cut him a stern look to which he shrugs his shoulders petulantly. Bow gives him a similar look as I lift her up onto my lap and she shows me her firefly.
"Seriously, be a grown up." I say in a sing song voice to Haymitch with a big, overdone grin and he rolls his eyes and turns his attention to Finn, smiling. Over the course of the last hour, my son has figured out that his best shot at catching any fireflies is to sit in the middle of the lawn and wait for them to land in the grass around him and then slam the jar over top of them.
Now, I'm not one to go all gaga over my kids' minor achievements, but I think that was a pretty damn smart move on his part being as he's only 2 and a half. I say I think it was pretty smart because it's become very obvious that the idea of using the lid to hold the bugs inside once he catches them is totally lost on Finn.
"Bad buggy! You stay here!" Finn bellows and shakes the jar in front of his face angrily as another one easily finds escape once he has lifted the mouth of the jar up from the ground.
"You need to put the lid on, son! The buggies are going to keep on leaving unless you shut the door!" Haymitch calls out to him and mimes tightening a lid on top of an imaginary jar. Finn, who is about 20 feet away from us, looks at Haymitch then at the jar in his hand and then the lid lying next to his foot.
"Uh-uh-uh…Paw-paw does it?" he asks holding the jar up towards Haymitch with big sad eyes that we can see are shining in the dark. Haymitch is already shaking his head no from his comfy position lounging in his chair when he catches my eye and I smirk.
"Cupcakes." I say as if that should be explanation enough, and it is. Haymitch's shoulders drop and he mumbled to himself as he stands slowly and makes his way over to his waiting grandson. "Put this on him, it's getting cold." I say tossing a sweater at Haymitch which he catches easily and continues over to Finn and sits down on the ground with him slowly.
"Can you help me catch some more too, Mommy?" Bow asks as I pull a sweater over her head as well and snuggle her in my arms. I feel my heart swell as Bow lays her head on my chest gently and plays with the pearl.
"Sure, baby." I whisper and rub Bow's back softly as she burrows deeper into my arms but doesn't move to get up. She sets the jar on the arm of the chair and continues to play with the pearl hanging at my neck.
I know my daughter well enough to know that there's something more she wants to say so I just hold her, loosening her braid and running my fingers through her hair gently until she's ready to speak. Bow is so much like me that I can almost hear the wheels spinning in her head as she gently turns the jar in a circle on the arm of the chair and we both wait for the right moment when Bow is ready to say whatever is on her mind.
"Can me and Finn sleep with you tonight?"
There it is.
I sigh as Bow lifts her head and looks into my face sadly and I know there's no way I can deny her this request. "You and Finn will still go to sleep when you're supposed to and then I'll come to bed later, deal?" I say beeping her nose and Bow giggles and nods. "How are you feeling by the way? Feel like the cupcake sugar has run its course?" I ask as she sits up straddling my lap facing me and holds the jar up between us.
"Uh huh…" Bow says staring intently at the fire fly. "Come on! I need more and Paw-paw is helping Finn catch too many!" She whispers loudly and climbs down off my lap and pulls me up out of the chair to go catch more fireflies with her.
We spend the rest of the night out in the yard and it's both a relief and somewhat sad to see my children forgetting, for however brief a time, that there father is not with them. I'm happy to see them laughing and playing with me and with Haymitch, but a part of me will always hate to see them being used to Peeta not being around when he's having an episode.
I hold off on bathtime until 9 o'clock, hoping that giving them an extra hour of playing will tire them out enough that they will pass out after their baths. Haymitch went inside a few minutes ago and switched on the outdoor speakers and put some quiet music on hoping that it would help the kids to wind down.
Finn is stretched out on my lap watching the fire and turning his own jar of fireflies over and over in his hands and Bow is curled up on Haymitch's lap playing with a pair of dolls. She dances them across the arm of the chair in time with the music and I can't help thinking of a hundred nights dancing with Peeta in our livingroom before we had children and almost as many nights dancing with them as babies and toddlers. We'd danced and played together in such a manner only a week or so ago.
District 12 may have always been known as the poorest and most downtrodden of all the districts of Panem, but damned if we couldn't cut a rug to a lively fiddle tune. Music had always been a part of me as my father had sung to me every day of my life until he died, and as an artist, Peeta says he has always enjoyed music himself.
Peeta made me promise to keep the love of music going with our own children when they came along but he really didn't need to worry about that being as both children responded to music from the beginning of their lives. They were both the most active inside my womb when music was playing or when I sang. Peeta loved it of course, just as he loved everything about each of my pregnancies. I wish I could say the same but I was on the more unfortunate end of things being as I was the one actually carrying them and neither pregnancy had been particularly easy on me physically or emotionally.
"Dance with me Paw-paw!" Bow giggles and hands the boy doll to Haymitch as she holds the girl doll up expectantly, waiting for him to play along. Haymitch rolls his eyes and takes the boy doll from Bow, holding it up as if he is going to join in her game.
" 'Dance with me!' she says!" he grumbles and then stands suddenly, scooping Bow up in his arms and swinging her around as he dances (rather gracefully I might add) in a circle around his chair and Finn and I laugh.
"No! I meant the dolls silly!" Bow says between uncontrollable bouts of giggling as Haymitch settles her on his hip and takes one of her tiny hands in his as if they are ballroom dancing. He blows a raspberry on her neck making her shriek with laughter and then rolls his eyes, laughing with her.
"Oh! I see, how stupid of me!" Haymitch says playfully but continues dancing with Bow, slowing his steps as the song changes to something a little dreamier. I tilt my head and smile as Bow lays her head on his shoulder and hikes her legs up so that they are gripping Haymitch's side. I can almost see Haymitch melting into a pile of grandfatherly goo as Bow wraps her arms tightly around his neck, her 2 cloth dolls gripped loosely in her pudgy hands.
"I dance too!" Finn pouts and climbs to his knees on my lap rocking back and forth excitedly. I chuckle and nod, standing slowly and hiking Finn up so that he can put his suntanned legs around my waist which he does with a grin. I kiss his nose gently and he grabs my cheeks, looking up at me with that heartbreaking Mellark smile and I drop my forehead to his with a sigh.
"Love you baby boy." I whisper and Finn cuddles into my chest with his arms around my neck and his face buried in my hair.
"I love you Momma." He whispers back and drops one arm to my chest where he grabs onto the pearl on my necklace. I hold him a little closer when I feel him gently rolling the pearl back and forth across his little lips because I know he is thinking about his Daddy but won't mention him for fear of upsetting me.
It's in this moment that I realize Peeta was right about our children and their luck of having been born the children of two Hunger Games victors, but not because it has ensured their safety. It is because with the blood of two survivors running through their veins, at 5 ½ and 2 1/2, our children are already two of the bravest people I have ever known.
I catch Haymitch's eye in the flickering light of the fire and we share a look that's passed between us more times than either of us cares to admit. "Alright little people…" I say softly when the song ends and a faster one begins. "Baths and bedtime."
I'm expecting a fight because Peeta almost always does baths while I straighten up the house for the night, but to my surprise, they don't fight it at all. They do however, request that their bathtime be overseen by their Paw-paw.
I grin at Haymitch as he sets Bow down and lets her hold onto the handle of the bucket of water he fills to bank the fire and 'help' him put it out. "Yeah, sure…I suppose I deserve it after the cupcakes." He says and takes Bow's hand while I carry Finn into the house behind them.
I fix up the room down the hall from Haymitch's for the kids to sleep in while I listen to the echo of his voice off of the bathroom tiles and the splish-splash of water in the tub as the kids play. As I unpack the bags that Haymitch returned from my house with, I smile seeing that Peeta has packed each of the kids' favorite pajamas along with the 'lovies' they need to go to sleep including Finn's blanket and Bow's favorite dolly.
Seeing the care Peeta took in such simple a task as packing an overnight bag for me and the kids makes my heart ache to be back in his arms so badly that it's hard to breathe for a moment. Only my husband could be so thoughtful even while battling a hijacking episode.
It is only the laughter of my babies bouncing off the bathroom tiles down the hall that pulls me back into the real world and I slowly lay out their pajamas with care on the end of the bed and then reach into the bag for my own change of clothes. I find an outfit and Peeta's favorite bra and panties of mine first and set them aside with a little smile before pulling out what he's sent for me to sleep in.
"Oh, Peeta." I whisper sadly and bring a light blue t-shirt of his to my face and inhale the scent of him on it. It is obvious that he wore this shirt and hadn't washed it yet because his familiar scent still clings to it. I push the bedroom door to and quickly change into the t-shirt and slip on the boxer shorts (also Peeta's) he sent along with them. I can't help chuckling to myself as I silently hope that the shorts at least are a clean pair. I turn to the door when it opens quietly and Bow slips into the room wrapped in a towel.
"Good bath?" I ask as Bow skips across the room on her tippy toes and drops her towel on the floor at the end of the bed.
"Uh huh…Finn didn't pee OR poop in the tub." She says as she sits down on her towel and pulls on a pair of pink cotton underwear. I hold her favorite sleeveless nightgown up for her to slip her arms and head through and chuckle.
"Always a good way to end a bath." I say as she pulls her hair out from the back of the nightgown and hops up onto the end of the bed.
"Can you braid my hair again, please?" she asks politely and I move to sit with a leg on either side of her as Haymitch comes through the door with Finn swadled in a blanket, his thumb in his mouth as he rests against his Paw-paw's chest. Haymitch has one of the cordless phones in his hand and as he sets it on the dresser by the door, I wonder if he's called Peeta or if he has it because he plans to when he leaves the room. I don't ask though for fear that bringing up their father so close to bedtime will upset the kids.
"Uh oh, somebody's t-i-r-e-d…" I whisper with a smile as Haymitch brings Finn to the bed and lays him down with a little smile of his own. I'm sure he's planning to tell me that he was right about the cupcakes having no effect on their sleep tonight so I appreciate it when Finn interrupts him by grunting and reaching for the blankie I've placed on his pillow.
"Here you go, buddy." Haymitch whispers and drops the blanket into Finn's free hand. Finn brings the blanket to his face, holding it against his cheek next to the thumb he has stuffed in his mouth. I cast little glances at Finn as I methodically run my fingers through Bow's damp hair and watch her eyelids beginning to droop. Finn isn't far behind her even though his wide gray eyes would give little away to a stranger regarding how tired he really is. They bounce around the room from object to object while he sucks furiously on his thumb and Haymitch fixes a diaper on him and pulls a little pair of cotton boxers up over it.
"Did you make him pee before you left the bathroom?" I ask quietly and Haymitch nods as he sits Finn up and pulls a tiny sleeveless undershirt over the quickly drying ringlets on the little boy's head.
"Yeah, took him a minute to get it going but he went." He says and Finn climbs up the bed to his pillow and presses his face into it with his bottom up in the air. "Wow, voluntary sleep…" Haymitch mumbles and sits down on the edge of the mattress, slowly fixing the blankets around Finn as he curls up. He releases his thumb from his mouth just long enough to rub his knuckles into his tired eyes before it finds its way back between his lips. "…guess those cupcakes weren't such a bad idea afterall." He smirks as I finish Bow's braid and kiss the part in her dark hair softly.
"Cut-cakes?" Finn mumbles around his thumb and lifts his head from the pillow. I roll my eyes and pull down the covers on Bow's side of the bed, tucking her in when she clambers up to her pillow and lays down as well.
"No way, no more cut-cakes…" I say mimicking Finn's voice as I lean over my daughter to give Finn a quick kiss on one chubby cheek and then do the same to Bow. "Night night time for little boys and girls." I whisper and both kids smile softly up at me and Bow yawns loudly.
"Can you sing to us Mama?" she asks through the yawn and Haymitch stands from the edge of the bed.
"I'll be in the kitchen." Haymitch whispers and looks down with unabashed tenderness at my resting children. "Good night little ones, sleep tight." He says and leans over to press a kiss to each of their foreheads. I smile watching as Bow and Finnick look back up at Haymitch with similar affection.
"Nigh, nigh Paw-paw." Finn murmurs and rolls to his side so that he is closer to his sister. Bow sits up and wraps her arms around Haymitch's neck and gives him a squeeze after he kisses her head. "Night Paw-paw, Iloveyou." She whispers quickly and flops back down onto the bed, curling up against her brother.
Haymitch smiles again as he reaches out to toy with the end of Bow's braid. He gives her a little wink (his way of saying 'I love you too') before he rights himself and heads out the bedroom door. Watching him go I can't help but be reminded how lucky Peeta and I are to have this awful, curmudgeonly….wonderful man in our lives.
"Mama? A song?" Bow asks and reaches up to play with her brother's hair, making his already drooping eyes blink slower yet.
I nod and lay on my side next to Bow, propping my head up with one arm and reaching over to pat Finn's diapered bottom to keep time for the song (and hopefully lull him to sleep) with the other. Since my children came along, I've gotten over my aversion to singing Deep in the Meadow because it is such a beloved song to me and I want my children to know it too. I still can't sing it without thinking of my sister or Rue but I try to limit myself to thinking only of good memories I have connected to them whenever I am singing my babies to sleep at night.
"Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when you awake, the sun will rise."
Bow snuggles closer to Finn and he settles into her arms comfortably, his thumb and blanket still in place as he looks over at me and listens to me sing.
"Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you."
I smile sadly as Finn pins his blanket between the pillow and his cheek so that he can reach out to play with the end of his sister's braid. If he were here, I know Peeta would playfully fight with him over playing with the braid as that is another one of their nightly rituals. Bow yawns again and kisses her brother's head as she stuffs her dolly in between the two of them, a sign she is ready to fall asleep.
"Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, A moonbeam ray, Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away."
As I sing this particular verse, I'm wishing with all of my heart for Bow and Finnick to do as the song says so that they can rest peacefully tonight as all children should be able to. Part of me is also hoping that if they sleep long enough, perhaps when they wake up their father will have emerged from behind the door and we can go home and get back to the usually happy life we've built together.
I lean over and kiss them each again as their eyes close and I see their breathing beginning to slow.
"Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you."
Both children are asleep as I quietly sing the last line of the song and reach out to stroke each of their baby soft cheeks. I smile at the way they hold each other, protecting against what creeps in the dark just as their father and I have done together for over 20 years.
I sit and watch them for several minutes and then lean over to give them one more important kiss; the one that their father can't give them himself tonight. "Daddy loves you." I whisper before I carefully climb off of the bed and head for the door.
As I turn to check on the children one last time, I see the phone Haymitch set on the dresser by the door when he first walked in with Finn and frown when I see a little note is attached to the back of it. I look out the door and down the hall both ways and when I don't see Haymitch, I reach out and pull the note off of the phone. I've barely read the first words before tears well in my eyes.
The baker didn't want to miss bedtime,
So I let him listen in.
Pick up the phone and say hello
Once little ears aren't listening anymore.
-H
It takes me a moment to pick it up now that I know Peeta has been listening to all that's happened since Haymitch entered the bedroom with Finn. I gather my wits about me and slowly reach for the phone, lifting it to my ear as I slip out of the room and gently close the door.
I don't need to speak for Peeta to know I'm on the other end and he is the first to speak. "Hey, sweetheart." He says quietly and a few tears escape down my cheeks which I quickly wipe away. My tears aren't just because of the endearment he's used, but because underneath it, I can tell how hard he is fighting with 'bad Peeta' just to talk to me for a few minutes before bed.
"Hi, baby…" I say just as quietly and head into the bedroom across the hall so that the kids can't hear if they wake up. "How're you doing?" I ask as I drop down onto the bed on my back and pull a pillow under my head. Peeta says nothing for a long moment and I know that, like always when he's having an episode, he is trying to decide how much he can say without upsetting me.
"Eh, alright. Should probably limit the conversation to anything not too deep though." He says trying to be flippant but I've known him too long not to know that he's anything but. "The kisa sound like they're hanging in there…" He says and sighs. "I heard Finn yelling for me in the yard earlier today." He whispers and I can almost hear him shaking his head. "I'm sorry you had to deal with that..."
I shrug even though he can't see it and look towards the door. "It's okay. Not like I haven't done it before. Anyway, they're older now so they can be negotiated with a little better than other times." I say and smile. "And having Haymitch to help is nice." I say and Peeta snorts.
"Yeah, sure...he's a big help smuggling…cupcakes the size of Finn over to his house for them." He groans and I chuckle.
"I had a feeling he was lying when he said you sent them over. They were no worse the rest of the day for the added sugar intake so I guess it's okay." I say shaking my head and turn over to my stomach propping my upper body on my elbows and swinging my feet behind me like a child. "Thanks for the clothes by the way." I say and smile as I lower my voice a little more. "I'd find a way to enjoy your shirt and boxers even more if I wasn't sharing a bed with our children tonight." I tease and Peeta chuckles on the other end of the line but doesn't say anything more. "Oh, speaking of, please tell me these are clean shorts?" I ask with a cringe and Peeta groans.
"Of course they are, what kind of sicko do you think I am?" he asks with another chuckle and I laugh too.
"Just checking…" I say and sigh looking at the window that is on the wrong side of the house for me being able to possibly see him. "I'm glad you sent me the t-shirt you wore today though. Hopefully it'll help me sleep a little better tonight." I say and the silence hangs in the air once more. "Think tomorrow'll be any better?" I ask and Peeta takes a deep breath before he answers.
"Not sure just yet." He mumbles and I feel my smile slip a little bit. "I sure hope so though since Bow has most of our week planned out before my birthday." He says with a short laugh and my smile returns.
"Yeah, I heard about that…the lake first, then to my mom's, then to the bakery to make your cake." I say and then quickly add, "Which you are NOT allowed to help with this year. You need to pretend to trust me and the kids to make it right and then choke down whatever dry, crumbly mess of a cake we manage with a big smile on your face." I tease and Peeta makes a sound like he'd rather just make it with us.
"Maybe I'll have Vera hang around and keep an eye on you guys while you're working." He jokes. Vera is the most recent apprentice in our bakery and just as with every other young person Peeta has trained in the last 20 years, we look upon her as a member of our family.
"She's allowed to do the icing and that's only because I'm absolute crap with a piping bag." I concede as Peeta laughs heartily on the phone and my heart swells with love at the sound.
"That you are, my dear." He teases and I murmur for him to shut up.
Another long silence hangs on the line as neither of us really knows what to say but won't hang up just yet. "It was nice to hear you sing." Peeta finally says and I smile bashfully. "It didn't just put the kids out, I feel a little better since listening to you." He whispers and I bite my lip with a short laugh.
"Well, if you're feeling better, maybe I'll sing it to you in bed tomorrow night to help you fall asleep." I tease and I can almost hear Peeta's smile.
"I can think of a better way you could help me fall asleep…" he whispers huskily. I close my eyes and fight back the moan that tries to slip past my lips as his meaning washes over me in a tingle of gooseflesh.
"Mmm…me too…" I whisper back and sigh for what seems like the thousandth time during our conversation. "So, Bow told me about her secret Daddy time this afternoon." I say in a desperate attempt to change the subject.
"Yeah, sorry about that…" Peeta says sheepishly. "I couldn't just send her right back home, I was…I just didn't want to be alone." He admits and I shake my head.
"Hey, Peet, it's okay…you don't need to explain yourself to me. I'd have done the same thing." I tell him and then cringe as I realize I need to make one suggestion to him about what he should and shouldn't say in front of our children. "Bow seemed happier when she came back after your nap together, though, for the record; telling our 5 year old that she's 'killing you' is something you might wanna avoid in the future…" I suggest and Peeta groans.
"Shit." He says simply and I nod as I roll to my back again.
"Yeah, my thoughts exactly." I say and Peeta promises never to say that again as long as he can help it.
Another of those long silences settles over us again, but there are a multitude of things we can hear each other thinking between the quiet.
"You want me to leave the phone on the nightstand with the line open? It's not like Haymitch is expecting any calls tonight…or like…ever." I chuckle and Peeta laughs softly on the other end.
"Yeah, I'd uh….I'd really like that actually." He says and I slide off of the bed, suddenly exhausted from the range of emotions I've had to deal with from not only the kids, but from myself during this difficult day.
"Sure…" I say trying to be light as I slip out of the bedroom and move over to stand in front of the door where Bow and Finnick are sleeping. "…you say that now. Let's see how much you like it when Finn is snoring like a buzz saw at two in the morning." I whisper and Peeta laughs.
"Sure, if I can hear him over you." He quips and I gasp. It's easy to forget listening to our banter that only half of Peeta is really in control right now and I suddenly feel a little dirty, like someone else is listening in on our conversation. I try to cover it by getting in another playful jab as I pick at the doorframe with my nail nervously.
"Says the man who's hoping for reunion sex tomorrow night…" I warn and Peeta laughs quietly and I know he must think I'm getting close to the kids now.
"Point taken." He says and I tell him to be quiet so I can open the door without the kids hearing.
"Sure…oh and Kat..." he says and my hand stills on the door knob.
"Yeah?" I ask softly and I hear Peeta clear his throat on the other end.
"Thanks for kissing them good night for me. I really hope I'm able to kiss all of you good night tomorrow." He whispers and I press my cheek against the phone and close my eyes. It's been 20 years, but this has never gotten easier to deal with. Not ever.
"Me too, Peet." I say softly back and start to turn the knob. "Alright, I'm going into their room." I say and creep over to the bed and place the phone on the nightstand before crawling under the covers next to Bow. "The phone is on the nightstand." I whisper and reach out to stroke the side of it gently. "…stay with me okay?" I ask meekly and there's a long silence before Peeta's whispered answer but his response allows me to slip peacefully into sleep.
"Always."