"You feeling better?"

Arnold's voice was low in her ear, so close she could feel his breath on her cheek.

She hummed, sleepy. "Yeah. Bad horror movies do wonders for the soul."

He murmured in agreement, and squeezed the arm around her shoulders to pull her closer into his side. "That, and pizza."

"And pizza." She agreed, curling her shoulder forward to nestle closer against his skinny frame. She almost purred when he pressed a kiss to her hair.

When she'd picked him up from the airport, and driven him home in morose silence, he'd declared that they needed a date night. "Indulge me." he'd said simply when she'd tried to protest.

So they'd picked up a pizza, selected a few choice B-grade movies, and settled in to commiserate together. Her, selfishly coddling the bittersweet melancholy of Joel's departure. Him, recovering after the mayhem that had been the scattering of Phil's ashes.

Arnold had only been gone a few days, but they'd been eventful. In true Shortman style, they'd traipsed all over New York to throw handfuls of ashes far and wide. From the park where he'd sailed his toy boats, to the woods where they'd gone camping… Phil was now everywhere.

Now he looked tired, with big rings under his eyes, but he was calm and content. The whole experience must have been cathartic for him.

"So… I owe you an apology." Arnold's fingers tightened slightly on her arm.

She looked up at him, into his warm green eyes. "What for?"

"Being a dick to Joel."

Well, at least he just admitted it. He'd been kinda weird to Joel the entire week of spring break. Not rude, exactly, just a little standoffish, even a little distant from Helga.

Her first instinct was to brush it off… but if he was going to be honest, she would too. "I did kinda wonder what your deal was."

"Being over-protective." He said simply. "I worry about you, and I don't want you to get hurt… and… and you just look so happy with him that I couldn't help but think how heartbroken you'll be if it doesn't work out."

Yeah, he'd obviously rehearsed this. Helga sighed. "So, you were a dick to Joel because I like him too much?"

His chest rumbled as he chuckled. "I'm an idiot, I know."

"But you don't actually have anything against him?"

He shook his head, his face falling suddenly. "I don't. He's actually pretty cool. I see why you like him."

She chewed on her lip. She really liked Joel… and to be honest, it scared her. She saw the sense in what Arnold was saying – even if she did find his incessant protection aggravating – because she felt the same things herself.

"Maybe you're just protecting me from myself." She eventually professed in a whisper. She could feel Arnold's eyes on her face, but he didn't say anything. "I… I think it might be…" she swallowed. "You remember when I told you I didn't want to get serious with anyone unless they were extraordinary?"

She didn't think he'd actually remember that, the day after she'd first met Matt, but he nodded, his eyes solemn.

"Well… I think he's extraordinary and it's… it's actually terrifying."

Arnold was completely still. She was staring at her own knees, chewing her lip again. God she was an idiot… why couldn't she just enjoy things?

"Just be happy, Pataki." He kissed her hair again. "Just do what you can, and see what happens."

"But what if I'm just too stunted to do a proper relationship."

"You're not stunted! God, Helga, you're lovely. If you just relax a bit, stop fretting about what you can't control, you'll be fine. But if it doesn't work out, then you and me can eat pizza and watch bad movies forever."

She felt like such a tool. Here she was worrying about a boy, after he'd spent the weekend scattering his grandfathers ashes… but it felt good, too. They hadn't cuddled up and talked like this for ages, not since he started dating Maya… understandable, really. The way they were notched together wasn't really appropriate.

"Deal." She agreed. "Goes both ways though."

"Good." He squeezed her arm again. "C'mon, we've still got another movie to get through."

Later, Helga climbed into her cold, lonely bed.

She fiddled with her phone. Would Joel still be awake? He had made plans to go out with a friend, joking that he was going to drown his sorrows… but she hadn't heard from him all evening. Eventually, she tapped out a message.

Bed is lonely without you. Xx

The reply came within minutes.

Skype?

Despite all her misgivings, her stomach thrilled. She impatiently fumbled with her laptop, waited for it to boot, opened Skype… he was online, and when his picture came into focus, he was grinning.

"I may be a bit drunk." Were the first words out of his mouth.

She grinned back at him. "Good night then, huh?"

"Sake." He said, like that explained everything. Well, it explained quite a bit, really. They chatted for a while, weirdly bashful.

"So, Arnold says he's sorry for being a dick to you." Helga watched Joel's reaction, wondering what he would say. Asides from Helga making a few snide remarks, they hadn't talked about Arnold's odd behaviour.

But Joel just nodded, his good-natured, crooked smile still showing the slight dimple in his right cheek. "Well, that's something! Did he say what was eating him?"

"Protective, worried you're going to break my heart."

Now there was a lot they could talk about in that statement, and he seemed to know it. His eyes softened.

"I just figured he has a crush on you." He murmured, his gaze searching her face. "Jealous."

She shook her head. "Nah." Oh so eloquent. But Joel knew the deal, he didn't need it spelled out to him.

"I wouldn't blame him…" He ran a hand through his hair. "It's hard not to fall for you."

Oh. She felt a blush warm her cheeks as her stomach did a flip. God… she couldn't handle this. Why did he have to go back to Chicago? She floundered, no idea what to say. This whole thing was supposed to be simple, wasn't it? But it wasn't. And while she thought it had been frustrating and difficult before spring break, she had the feeling it was only going to get harder, the more she liked – and missed – him.

"I don't want to hurt you. I hope I don't." He paused, looking a little frustrated as he ran his hand through his hair again. "If it's too hard…" he started slowly, his eyebrows drawn together, "we can break it off. I mean, I don't want to. But that was the deal, right? That if the long distance thing doesn't work?"

She just shook her head. No, she did not want to break it off. But her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth. She'd never been good at talking about feelings. She tried. She tried to be all calm and collected and matter-of-fact… and sometimes she pulled it off. But in situations like this, she was an idiot.

"Confused?" His face was full of concern, and she nodded in reply. "Yeah, me too."

God she loved it when he did that… she loved his blunt statements that said everything without fanfare. She loved… him…

Long years of denial revolted at the thought. That was not a concept she entertained anymore. She'd decided years ago – albeit subconsciously – that love would never happen for her. Not reciprocated love, anyway. Her heart thumped as she desperately tried to push the thought away. She didn't love Joel, it was just infatuation, it was the situation… she… goddamn it. This would only end in hurt, but she was still going to subject herself to it, wasn't she.

"Why don't we have sex?" She blurted, desperate to move the subject to something at least a little less heavy.

He laughed, that sudden, big laugh of his.

"I was wondering when you'd bring that up."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Well?"

"I don't have sex outside of committed relationships."

She blinked. "How committed."

"There's no rule… but, exclusive, at least. Serious enough that we can talk about what would happened if contraception fails…" His meaning was clear. So much for a less heavy conversation.

She swallowed. "Do you want to… with me?" God she was a coward.

But he understood her. "Very much."

They were silent for a long time. Helga chewed at her lip, a war raging inside her chest. She wanted to take Arnold's advice, to just let herself be happy… but fear was clawing at her ribs. The legacy of two decades of constant rejection.

Out of nowhere, Joel started talking:

"I was a mistake… no, Ma hates that word. I was an accident. But one that tied Ma into a miserable marriage where she was treated like shit for twenty years. I grew up in a horrible household, Helga. We were well off, obviously, but my father is a blow-hard who walked all over Ma, and treated me and Lucy like wind-up dolls that he could trot out in front of guests, for bragging rights."

A shock of recognition shuddered up Helga's spine, and she stared at him with a slack jaw. He could have been talking about her own life.

"Then, when I was at uni but Lu was still in school, she got pregnant. She didn't want to talk to the father about it… and I was the one who held her hand through her abortion. I… it was so hard, Helga, watching my sister go through that. Not just the procedure, but the guilt, and the shame. For a while there I was worried she'd do something stupid, she was that messed up."

"Not long after that, a girl I was dating had a pregnancy scare, and honestly, it was terrifying. I mean, I didn't want kids with this girl, and I didn't want to be tied to her for the rest of my life… but also, the thought that I might be the cause of the same kind of… of misery that Lu went through? That made me sick."

"I still worry sometimes that she had an abortion but just never trusted me enough to talk to me about it… I know that's not the case, but it still scares me."

He sighed, and Helga still just gaped. Trying to take it all in.

"And, I know this is going to sound gross, but I see so much of Lucy in you. I get the feeling that you and I had similar childhoods, yeah?"

She just nodded, unable to speak. She'd had no idea he had issues like this.

"Thought so. You don't know what that does to me, Helga. I hate that you might have ever been neglected, or unappreciated, and it's pretty obvious that you don't trust people easily. So I just can't do it. I want to. You have no idea how hard you make it for me to stop… but I just can't put myself in that situation when I don't know where we stand."

He took a deep breath. "All or nothing…" he whispered to himself, so soft she barely caught it through the speakers.

"I should have said something when I was with you, but things seem so easy when we're together that it never felt like I needed to…" he paused "Be my girlfriend, Helga. Not just so I can finally fuck you, but because I'm falling for you so hard, and I want to stake my claim on you, like a Neanderthal."

Helga's head was reeling. She wasn't prepared for this. Somehow, from the tiny part of her that wasn't terrified, but was crowing in triumph and excitement, Helga gathered a little courage, and tried to ignore the urge to push him away.

But she wouldn't be her if she weren't irreverent, so she smiled, the corner of her mouth turning up to diffuse the heady, emotive atmosphere with her usual mordant humour.

"Well, sure I'll be your girlfriend… but you are still going to fuck me, right?"

His eyes darkened. "Oh yes."