Hello people!

I messed around with some of the earlier chapters, and now I can't see reviews for this chapter... I'm writing the next one now, I should have it up soon, but please don't review this chap, it makes me sad that I can't read them! Post them up on the next one? Please, for me :)

Done?

Helga couldn't stop smiling to herself.

Done and dusted. Only one semester to go!

I'm so proud of you. Skype me tonight, after your celebrations 3

She shoved her phone back into her pocket, hefted her bag over her shoulder, and headed for home, the heady sense of freedom and anticipation making her almost giddy. What a year.

She'd come back from Chicago ready to work. Acknowledging that she'd slacked off since Phil's passing, and wanting to ace her honors year, she'd pushed herself back into a routine, putting her head down and really challenging herself.

She was up at 7am each morning, whether or not she had classes, and she worked on either uni work or writing until 7 every evening, unless she was working.

Yup, working. Knowing she'd need a job on her CV other than the 6 years of part-time admin and sales at Bob's stores, she'd wrangled a part-time job in a bookstore through one of Dyna's friends. On Sundays from 10-close, and Monday and Tuesday afternoons, she worked at the little shop.

She put all of the money in savings, adding to what she'd put away from her high school job. The use of Bob's credit card only lasted 'til she finished studying, and now that she was approaching her last few months of her degree, she was kicking herself for not finding a job earlier.

Anyways, the work was paying off. She'd had poetry published in two magazines, a short story that came second in a national competition, and an invitation to submit work to a book that would be compiling creative writing by young Americans.

She almost whistled as she walked. What a year indeed. She was tired, but happy, her thesis was chugging along steadily (as yet untitled, but a comparative analysis on male vs. female gaze in modern American poetry), and in just two days, Joel would be back at the house for the spring break.

He'd tried to convince her to go to home, to see her parents, but she'd refused. Sure, he'd had some good arguments. The main of which being that she hadn't seen her parents in a few years now, and they were financially supporting her…

He'd even offered to meet her in Hillwood, to stay at the boarding house if she wasn't comfortable with him meeting the family… but she just didn't see the point. Bob and Miriam didn't even seem to notice Helga's absence. Olga called regularly, but her parents made no effort at all… so she'd convinced Joel that she'd rather just spend the time with him.

It wasn't hard to convince him, really, she just reminded him how much fun they'd had over Christmas…

She couldn't wait.

"Honey, I'm home!" She threw her bag down on the counter.

"Bedroom." Arnold's voice was muffled through the walls. She threw herself down next to where he sat on his bed, bouncing slightly on the soft mattress.

She sniffed. "Are you drinking whiskey?"

Amber liquid sloshed around the glass in Arnold's hand. He nodded.

"It stinks." She grumbled.

He just shrugged in reply, his eyes on the half-melted ice cube in his drink.

Uh oh. Something was wrong. "Hey." She rolled over, propped herself up on an elbow to look up into his face. His eyes were bloodshot, glazed… "What's up?"

He didn't look at her, just kept staring into his glass. "Maya dumped me."

"Oh… Oh Shorty." She put her head on his chest, an arm over him in a clumsy hug. "What happened?"

He drew in a long breath, closed his eyes. One hand left his glass to wrap around her shoulders. She snuggled closer to him as he found the end of her ponytail and started twirling her hair around his fingers.

He reeked of whiskey.

"She wants more… she's wanted more for a while, and… and when I wouldn't invite her to the boarding house for spring break… I think it was the last straw."

His voice was low, his words slow, deliberate. How much of that crap had he already had to drink?

"What kind of more?" Helga probed.

"To move in together, or at least to meet Grandma…"

She scrambled for something to say. Maya was awesome, and Arnold had always seemed totally smitten with her. But then, people had thought the same about her and Matt, and look how that had gone… basically the same deal.

"You don't want that?" She said stupidly. She wasn't as good with this kind of stuff as he was.

He shrugged again. "I don't know… it's just… Gran's so old, and she's convinced that you and I…" He frowned. "I don't want to confuse her, but also, I don't want hurt Maya by talking about you…"

She could feel him tensing up, the arm around her shoulder pulling her hard into him.

"Is that what you told her?"

"Kind of… I just told her about how confused Grandma is, and everything… I dunno." He groaned, thumped the back of his head against the wall. "It's so fucked. I love her, Maya, I mean. I do. But… I just can't… I can't explain why it just feels like a bad idea to… to get more serious…"

Oh that made way too much sense. She felt the same way with Joel… no matter how much she loved him – and she really did love him – the thought of making the next move just terrified her, for no logical reason.

"Maybe you just need more time? Maybe once you've graduated and have a job and stuff?"

"Yeah, maybe…"

They lay there for a while, her tucked up against his chest, him trailing his fingers through her hair and taking periodic sips of that vile booze. When she couldn't stand the smell any longer, she struggled to sit up. "Well, you know what this means…"

He cracked open his eyes, raising an eyebrow.

"… Pizza and bad sci-fi." She beamed at him, something inside her melting when he managed a smirk. "You find a movie, I'll order the pizza."

"You don't want to go out with the others?" His eyes were back on his drink, the smile gone.

"Yeah, nah." She nudged him. "We're more fun than them any day."

The relief in his face broke her heart. "I love you, Helga."

"Right back at ya, Shorty."

"Ah, poor dude." Joel shook his head. "They seemed pretty solid, what happened?"

Helga grimaced a little inside, knowing that there were parallels between Arnold's recently failed relationship, and the one she was in right now.

"She wanted things to progress, he was happy with the way they were… she got sick of waiting and broke it off." She trailed off. Was that an accurate summary?

Joel nodded, thoughtful. "Yeah… that's understandable."

Inexplicably, Helga rankled at that. "You really think so?"

His eyebrows rose at the irritation in her voice. "Sure. I mean, I don't know the details, but if you know what you want, there's only so long you can live with another persons indecision… after a while it's just rejection."

"So you don't think maybe she should have been more patient? Isn't pressuring people into moving faster than they're ready for normally frowned upon?"

He stared at her for a second, blinking. "Did she try to pressure him, though?"

"Well, what else would you call it?"

"Being clear on what you want in a relationship and expect from your partner?"

Now it was her time to blink. Even though he sounded like he'd been watching too much Dr. Phil, he was right. It wasn't about Maya being vindictive, it was just about needs not being met. She swallowed.

"Sometimes it's just not that easy though… you might want some things, but just… can't…" she muttered. A horrible roil of butterflies started churning in her stomach. What was she doing?

No, she knew what she was doing, and her reaction hadn't been inexplicable. She felt guilty.

"Are we still talking about Arnold and Maya?"

She shook her head, staring at her own picture in the Skype window, unable to look at his face as he tried to make sense on what was going on.

"What are you trying to tell me, Helga." He sounded exasperated. "If you're breaking up with me, just get it over with."

"No!" she shook her head, emphatic. "I don't want to break up with you, I… you know I love you. I just… I just don't… I can't…" She took a deep breath, forced herself to look at him. Big mistake. He looked at once furious, and miserable.

"I… I think I want to sit my masters."

"At Berkeley."

She nodded.

"Not in Chicago."

She shook her head.

"And you still don't want me to move there?"

She shook her head again.

There was a long pause.

"And us?"

She bit her lip. "I love you… I'm just… not ready to move."

He made a furious, strangled noise. "Jesus Christ Helga! Don't do this to me! Don't… don't just make me keep waiting! I hate this!" She could hear his words spit through his teeth as he clenched his jaw. "It hurts! I get that you're an independent person, but do you really not struggle with this at all?"

"Of course I struggle." She put her hands over her eyes… why, why had she started this? "I miss you so much, all of the time! But… shit… I just… I just want to finish what I've started…"

"I can't do this."

"Please!" tears she didn't know were there spilled onto her cheeks. "I… it's not that I don't want to be with you, it's just… you know that feeling you get when you're playing a video game, and you miss a room and can't get back?"

He just stared at her, incredulous at her awful analogy.

"It's like that, but so much bigger. I just get this feeling that I haven't finished here, that… that I'll regret it if I move before I'm done…"

Something weirdly like pity was in his eyes. "I still can't do it."

Her hands felt weird, all tingly. She clenched them into fists. "I… please, I don't…" She gasped, unable to think of anything to say.

"I can't, Helga. Please don't ask me to. I… this year has been so hard, I can't keep doing it, not if there's no end in sight." He didn't sound angry anymore, just sad.

"But… I still want…" She bit her lip, thumped her fists against the bed. "Fuck! Joel! I… can't we just keep… I don't want to break up…" She was railing against herself. Why couldn't she find the words to make him see? Words were her thing, she should be able to show him…

"I know, I know…" He scrubbed his hand over his face. "I get it, Helga. You have to do what you have to do. But I just can't keep waiting."

"But I can't… just not yet, I can't move yet."

"I'm not asking you to." He looked so miserable. "That was the deal, right? If one of us can't handle the long distance thing, then we just call it quits, no drama."

She hated it, she hated herself… but somewhere, buried deep under the protests her brain was throwing up, under the frustration she levelled at herself for being unable to verbalise what she was feeling… she was – ashamedly – a tiny bit relieved.

"You're dumping me."

"I suppose I am." He put a hand over his eyes, squeezing at his temples. "I love you, Helga. If you figure out what you want, and I'm part of that, then… then get in touch. OK?"

She nodded, hiccupping through the tears that she didn't bother wiping away "I love you, I just…"

"I have to go."

And the screen went blank.

She sat for a second, her heart thumping in her chest, her blood rushing in her ears. It was over. Joel had dumped her. She'd known for ages that she was too scared to move to Chicago, but like the chicken shit she was, she hadn't told him, had brushed off his attempts to talk about it…

She was an asshole.

Stumbling off the bed, she made her way down the hall. At least she had someone else that would appreciate a tearful commiseration.

"Arnold?" She cracked his door open.

He was sitting up, reading by lamplight. His eyes widened as he took in her red eyes and damp cheeks. "Shit, what's wrong? C'mere."

She scrambled under his covers, buried her face against his chest, and bawled.

He held her close, stroking her back and pressing kisses to her hair, passing her tissues when she needed to blow her nose. He listened to everything she gasped through her overwrought sobs, and crooned little nothings at her until she quietened.

"Shhhh, sweetheart, you're OK, I know it hurts, but I'm here… I've got you…"