"What are sad songs even about ? Actual sadness or anger towards one's self ? What if sad songs were actually the singer's way to express anger ? Sometimes you can feel anger at yourself and it sucks. I believe anger is worse than sadness, because it means… It means that I've finally understood that it's completely my fault.

My fault.

This morning I saw her. She had her hair up in a ponytail and I couldn't stop thinking about kissing that neck of hers. I have to admit it was weird to have her stand in front of me once again, even if it happens daily. It still feels weird to know that I can't kiss her, that I can't hold her like I used to. It still feels weird to know that she's not mine anymore and that nothing will ever change the fact that she's gone on with her life and there's no place for me in it. It hurts me to know that, as per now, she sees me only as Sofia's other mother.

Mother.

That's the only thing I feel like being right now. Sofia is the most important thing in my world and, also, the only thing that keeps me in Callie's life. It forces her to talk to me sometimes, it forces her to spend time with me, for Sofia's sake. I'm glad she doesn't hate me, I don't think I would be able to survive the love of my life actually hating me. It already feels weird as it is. My days fall in a monotony that breaks my bones, a monotony that makes me cry with desperation every other hour, a monotony that makes me shiver at night. Sometimes I wonder if this is what depression feels like… But I'm not depressed, I'm just angry all the time.

Angry.

I wish I could be careless. I wish I could forget how bad my life feels without my wife in it. But I just can't. I didn't see Callie today and maybe it's for the best. Whenever I see her, I feel worthless, because I know that I'm nothing without her by my side. I feel nothing. I feel numb. Is this what my life is going to be from now on ? Pointless days and happy moments only when my child is around ? This is so stupid, I'm so stupid. My life can't revolve around a woman who doesn't even love me back anymore. I'm a grown up, for fuck's sake… Why can't I even handle a simple break up ? I used to be such a heartbreaker back in College. I miss that. I miss being able not to care about people, it felt so much easier. And now… Now look at me.

When did I become just a wife ? I was a person before. I was my own person. Then she came into my life and everything changed. Everything changed for the better and I soon realized that I wanted her to be a part of me forever, because it was the right thing to do. She was the one for me and I couldn't let her go. There was no way for me to imagine a life without my dear Calliope next to me… It wouldn't have made sense. She gave me a reason to believe in love, she was the reason why I understood that having a family meant something. With her, I understood that two people can be different and still be in love. I understood that love isn't always cuddles and smiles, it can also be pain and tears… But, in the end, it's always worth it. I perfectly know that these months of pain are going to take me to a better place, they're going to take us both to a better place. These moments of misery are going to make us realize that we're wasting our whole lives by being apart. I'm going to see her tomorrow. I can't live like this anymore. Most of the time I wish I could be like my old self and accept that I need to let her go, but I love my wife way too much to stop fighting. I've been fighting for years now and I can't give up. I need her to know, I need Calliope to know that I love her more than life itself. I'm going to see her tomorrow and I'm going to tell her everything.

I already know that we're meant to end up together. I already know that I belong with her. I already know that she is my person.

Next step : let her understand that I am her person.

"Help, help I'm drowning in the sea where I found you. The kerosene in your skin, the chemistry that I'm bound to. Picture me on an ocean In a chest that I hollow, I picture you in slow motion somewhere in west Colorado. Well I don't know where that place is, if I did I would follow .I don't know what this taste is, if I did I would swallow. Thought I knew all the answers, thought I held all the keys, the black bear that I led you to wants more than I can speak. Thought I drew out the cancers, thought I fell the disease, turns out that I need you now much more than you need me."