"What ?"
It's obvious that she isn't quite understanding what I am saying. I stare at her while tears form in her eyes. Her expression shows a kind of confusion I have never seen in her face before. Well, I actually have, but I thought it was different now. I thought she might remember.
"What do you mean ?" Her voice is broken, she looks hurt. I'm scared she might flip and get suddenly angry, like she did a little over six months ago. I silently look at her, doctor Heldens has his hand in the air, as to tell me to wait.
I perfectly remember that day. I had been thinking about what to tell her for so many months that I was scared it might come out as an act. I felt happy, though. It was the right thing to do and there was no postponing anymore. It needed to be done. We had a patient together and it was the perfect excuse to talk to her. Sometimes talking about Sofia didn't seem enough. I grabbed her arm after we talked to little Timmy's parents.
"Can we talk ?" She obviously thought I meant about him and nodded. I walked to the elevators and took her just outside the hospital. My legs were trembling like crazy and I was pretty damn scared.
"What is it ?" She asked.
"So… I had this endless speech I prepared in these last months, but… It kinda feels pointless now that you're standing right in front of me. I guess I'm just going to say it, the faster the better. I can't live like this anymore. I love you too much to start a new life where you are just Sofia's mother and my ex-wife. I can't even say that. It's way too weird.
Ex-wife.
It sounds wrong.
It sounds pointless.
It sounds devastating.
You made mistakes, but I did too. We made mistakes, we're flawed, because we're human beings. I want my life to be a happy one, with you by my side, all the time. I can't live like this anymore so, please, take me back."
Her eyes regained life and she started crying like I believe she had never done before. She nodded and kissed me, with her hands firm on my face. She held me tight and promised she'd never let me go again.
"Ten babies." She whispered in my ear and I started crying with her as she pulled me closer in our embrace.
"Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is happening ?"
I'm crying now, way harder than I'm supposed to. "We'll never get back to normal." I manage to whisper, but it makes everything even worse. She looks at me, with tears in her own eyes.
"What's wrong ? Why are you crying ? What is it ?" I don't know what she's feeling. I can see how confused she is. But being confused isn't enough in a situation like ours.
How am I supposed to answer this ? I feel stupid, for wanting to try this out. It's my fault and now we'll go back to six months ago, I have probably managed to screw up all the progress we made during these months. Why do I always need to ruin everything ? Because nothing is ever enough for me, that's why. I always feel like I have the potential to be happier. Fuck this.
I think hard about what to do next. I hold my hand up,
Just give me a second
I think. Doctor Heldens is waiting for me to say something, but he's kind of hoping it won't take too long. Right now, I'm too deep into this to back off. Maybe it's not too late to fix everything. Maybe, if I say the right things, I might still save us.
I might be able to save us for good.
Doctor Heldens looks at me and speaks before I'm able to think about what to say. "I think I should leave you guys alone, now." He gets up and we both look at him. I nod and he leaves us there. Once we're alone, I'm not sure I have enough strength to do this. I don't even know how to explain what is happening and why everything looks so damn frightening. I don't know how to do such things mainly because it's scaring me as well.
Suddenly, I have an idea.
"Take a look at this." I say, opening a chart and putting it on the desk in front of us. I open it, careful not to show the name of the patient. "And tell me what you think about it."
She looks at me, unsure. After a moment, she starts looking at the chart I opened for her. "Why am I doing this again ?" She asks. "Is it going to make me understand what's happening ? Who is this person anyway ?"
"It's going to help you, please trust me." I tell her and she goes on reading. I'm not going to tell her anything more, I'm just hoping she'll understand.
"But it's an adult ? I don't treat adults ? Wow, this is disturbing. It is never easy to deal with… Wait, what the…" Her jaw drops and she's staring at me, speechless. "Is this chart… Mine ?"
I silently nod.
She's crying again.
I know now that I made a terrible mistake.
"Yes, you were admitted to the psychiatric ward."
I'm holding on to many things passed, to anything that's gonna change my memories back. I'm holding on to everyone good, to everything that's ever been the way that it should. I'm holding on to things you said before you forgot what this love really meant to you. The words that I sent to you, never got into you, no matter how hard I try