"I have this memory, it feels distant, though. I remember feeling angry, like… Really damn angry. I couldn't picture why and now that I think about it, I believe it was frustration, not anger. I didn't feel like I was in control of my life, the same way as I did after the plane crash. You know, I had all those things that I wanted to do, but… I couldn't. It was like being in a damn cage.
I understood that there was something wrong with me, I just couldn't picture what.
Or why.
I remember seeing you a lot and you were always crying. Hard. Possibly harder than I'd ever seen you before those days. I remember many doctors looking at me. I remember seeing Alex. And Meredith. I think I saw Amelia a couple of times. Then I remember having that stupid doctor from Psychiatry. What's his name again ? I believe it was Monroe, or something like that. I knew I'd already met him and despised him a lot. I remember him asking me questions and me being angry at him.
I remember being pissed off at you for talking to him just outside my room. I knew you were talking to him about me. You looked… Devastated. Then he said something and you started crying. He had one hand on your shoulder and I kept wondering why.
Why did I have to talk to Monroe from Psychiatry ? I didn't need a psychiatrist. I knew I didn't need one. I wasn't crazy. I was sure I wasn't crazy.
I remember you walking inside my room and smiling at me.
It felt weird.
It was a kind of smile I didn't quite recognize. It wasn't your usual smile. It was something I couldn't understand. I kept asking you what was wrong and why you were crying… You said everything was alright. You walked towards me and kissed me on the forehead.
I felt a glimpse of awfully suffocating anger and screamed.
I didn't mean to hurt you in the process. I did, though. I elbowed you and you fell backwards, hitting your head on the wall. You got up, with your nose covered in blood and told me that you were sorry for making me upset.
I cried.
I realized I had to be crazy if you were apologizing after I'd broken your nose. "
She looks at me. I feel guilty, even if just for a second. I don't know if this means that she remembers everything, or if it is just her remembering random things. She looks hurt and I know it's only my fault. Her condition is… Fragile. I should probably try to handle it in another way. A better way.
"I wasn't apologizing because I thought that you were crazy. As a matter of fact, I still don't think of you as the crazy one. I apologized because I felt like it was all my fault. I felt like you wouldn't be in that terrible state if I hadn't felt the need to go back to work after only one week. Maybe if I'd been there, it would have never happened. He wouldn't have hurt you. He wouldn't have taken Matthew.
I felt terrible because you were suffering awfully because of me."
I did feel terrible. Arizona wasn't the only one seeing a specialist after the attack. The difference was that I was aware of the reason why I was seeing doctor Heldens, while Arizona had no idea. She thought it was her choice, while it never was.
"I don't remember much of what happened, Calliope. I don't remember us talking about having another baby, I don't even remember us getting back together. I don't remember being pregnant. I don't remember giving birth. I don't remember being attacked. I don't even remember Matthew's face. Right now, the only thing I remember is me breaking your nose. I feel stupid, because I can't even control my own mind… It's awful, but I'm confident I'll remember everything. Slowly, but I will. Have I ever remembered something in these months ?"
"No, never. I was always trying to say something that could trigger your brain, but I never thought about talking to you about that one time. I would talk to you about Sofia, or about Matthew… But you never said that you remembered. You never said anything that made me believe that you were getting better." I've said these words so many times during the past months. To doctor Heldens, to Alex, to Meredith, to Amelia, to April. I've talked to everyone. I've had everyone talk to Arizona, hoping it would help. It never did.
She still had those terrible blank eyes.
"Then maybe this is a good sign."
I hope it is. I really do.
"Yes, of course. It might be."
I'm not sure. I'm… Exhausted of hoping. It doesn't feel worth it. I feel like I've been hoping for things to go well for way too long. I've been in love with Arizona for so many years… But it was never okay.
We were never okay.
Never.
"Thought I could leave you, cause I felt my heart numbing. It hits so deep, I close my eyes and I just took off running. I turned around and saw the look on your face... So I stayed."