Chapter 17: Mistakes

(Tara's POV)

Thump, thump, thump.

Thump, thump, thump.

I groaned as I was slowly brought out of sleep by a heavy pounding at the door. Bringing my hand up to my face, I rubbed one of my eyes and yawned. There was another knock at the door and then Louis was shouting, "Oy, you two better not be asleep, it's three in the afternoon!"

I sat up then. 'Three, how was that possible?' I groaned, but the sudden chill of air made me forget the thought. I looked down and realized I was naked with someone's arm stretched across my torso. Looking over at the sleeping form, PJ's sleeping face greeted me, making me want to shriek. Gasping for breath, the thoughts of last night flooded my memory and made my stomach churn uncomfortably. 'No,' I internally screamed, 'This isn't possible. How could this happen?' I rested my head in my hands, trying to take deeper breaths, but that only made the churning in my stomach worse.

"Don't think you can ignore me, I'm not leaving until someone opens this door," Louis called again, banging on the door once more. PJ's phone began to vibrate then on the table across the room. I pushed PJ's arm off of me and hopped out of bed, picking up the jumper that was lying in a heap on the ground. Throwing it on, I scuttled over to my suitcase and pulled on a pair of underwear and then a pair of leggings that were messily thrown in. Taking a deep breath, I tried to compose myself as I walked towards the door. I threw it open just as Louis was about to knock again. "Can I help you," I asked casually.

"Yeah, we're leaving in three hours and neither of you will pick up the phone or answer the door. "I answered the door," I countered, yawning, "And I'm not going to apologize for sleeping the day away, it's not like we had plans to do anything anyways." "Where's PJ?" "Sleeping." "Well this is his wake up call then."

"Louis, don't," I snapped as he pushed past me and began loudly calling PJ's name. "Sleeping beauty, it's time to get up," He teased as he ripped the blanket off the sleeping boy, exposing his unclothed body. "Jesus, man," he gasped as I squeaked and threw my hands over my eyes, "You sleep in the nude when there's a lady present? How disrespectful."

This seemed to wake PJ up, because I could hear him say, "Shit," and then the sound of the blankets moving. I moved my hands away from my eyes to see PJ sitting upright and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Something had caught Louis' attention enough to quit his teasing. Following his gaze, my eyes settled on the untouched bed, still made up by the maid from yesterday.

My eyes grew wide and I looked back at PJ who was looking back confused. Louis then turned back to us, disbelief plastered on his face. "No," he whispered. "What," PJ responded. Louis looked from PJ to I to the clean bed and it seemed to click inside PJ's head, "No, man. We didn't-" He paused as if he didn't know what to say next, and that was enough assurance for Louis. "Oh, man, you did, didn't you!" he laughed.

My face grew bright red and I bit my lip, embarrassed. "I mean, I know I give you shit, but I didn't think you were actually banging her." "It's not like that," PJ tried, but Louis wouldn't have it. "So are you guys like a thing or are you just hooking up?" he laughed, "Oh man, I knew there was a reason you wanted to share a room with her so bad." I felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes and I made a dash for the door, throwing it open with enough time to hear PJ shout, "Louis, man, stop. Tara! Tara, wait!"

I ran down the hall and began furiously beating on Dan and Phil's door. Dan opened the door seconds later, "Where's the fire," he asked sarcastically, but I pushed past him roughly, found Phil lounging on his bed, and fell into him, sobbing quietly.

"Whoa, Tara, what's wrong," Phil gasped, voice full of concern as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. I felt the bed shift and Dan began patting my back awkwardly, as if it was the only form of comfort he knew. I whimpered softly into Phil's shirt, unable to form words as I cried out my embarrassment and frustration.

There was a rushed knock in the door a minute later and as Dan moved away from the bed to answer it, I picked up my head and growled, "Don't let Ben in." They both started at me for a moment, before Dan broke the tension by asking, "Who's Ben?" I stared at him for a moment, aware of the mistake I had made. Tears were still making tracks down my cheeks, but I'd found the strength to try to hold them back now. "P...PJ. I meant PJ," I whispered in a broken voice, breaking out of Phil's embrace and going to the door. Neither really said anything as I opened it and ducked past PJ, walking back to our room.

The tears had completely stopped by the time I reached the room and waited for PJ to open the door. He was trying to talk, apologizing about Louis and about that wasn't how it should have gone and that we should really just talk about it. When he opened the door, Louis was gone and the room looked disheveled. There were random articles of clothing tossed about and only one of the beds looked used at all. Anyone with half a brain could figure out what had happened. I felt numb and tense; I still couldn't believe I'd called him Ben.

PJ was still talking, but I'd stopped listening a long time ago. I just sat down on the end of the bed and texted Belle to pick me up from the airport; I'd pay for the gas. Everything about this trip had gone so smoothly and I managed to turn it on its head in one night. PJ was babbling on like a stuck record player. Dan and Phil and Louis would be questioning him as soon as they were given the opportunity to. Knowing them Chris wouldn't be far behind, and being one of his closest friends, he'd be twice as hard to fend off. Jamie would find out simply because he lives with PJ, if Louis hadn't already gone and told him and Sophie in an explosion of words and bewilderment.

That left me. Sitting on the edge of a hotel bed, wondering why I'd called him Ben and why I'd even slept with him in the first place. My cheeks heated up just at the thought of what I'd said last night. The idea that I'd ever thought of PJ as anything more than a friend had never even crossed my mind before then. Before I'd stepped out of the bathroom and saw him staring at his phone with a drunken, dazed look. Suddenly, it was as if I wanted to be one of those girls he'd managed to sweep off their feet with the right look and a silly story.

It had been as if I was looking at him completely wrong the entire time I knew him. The way his messy hair curled completely right no matter how he slept, the odd jumpers and t-shirts he'd put on and seem just a little too comfortable in, the way he genuinely smiled when he was making up a story off the top of my head. All of it seemed different in a strikingly attractive way. I could blame it on the alcohol or the fact that I wasn't thinkin, but deep down I knew it was because last night I had admitted to myself that I was attracted to PJ Liguori and had been beyond myself when the attraction was proven mutual.

I looked over at PJ then, the warm feeling in my stomach making me feel ashamed rather than happy. He was still going on and by now I don't think even he knew what he was saying. A knot grew in the pit of my stomach and I knew what I had to do, no matter how heart-wrenching the though was. "PJ," I spoke, making him stop for a moment and just stare at me, "There's no need to apologize. It was a mistake, I know." "Oh, I am so glad you. I know what Louis said was dumb and… what?" he stopped, registering fully what I said, "No Tara. I never said it was a mistake-" "You didn't have to," I went on, steeling myself, "You don't have to tell me for me to know. It shouldn't have happened. We weren't really thinking and we screwed up."

"Weren't thinking, Tara what are you saying," PJ begged, grabbing my face to make me look into his eyes, "Last night… Last night never would have happened under any other circumstances, I know. But you said something last night. Something I never would have thought about had you not brought it up. You told me that you were so busy denying that we were anything more than friends to everyone else that you never stopped to think that maybe we could have been. And I hadn't either. And I suppose I really didn't last night either- I was just so caught up in the moment-, but I know that it has to have been something more than friendship because I wouldn't have let anything happen if it weren't."

Tears were streaming down my face by this point and I tore PJ's hands away from me. Panic had begun to spread through my body as memories plagued my mind and Ben's caring face began to coincide with PJ's. I stood up and moved to my suitcase, slowly putting order to the way my clothes were thrown in as I sobbed silently. "Tara," PJ tried, coming up behind me, grabbing at my waist. "Don't touch me," I practically yelled, cringing away from him, "Do not touch me."

It hurt. It hurt so much, but I wouldn't allow myself to believe his words. Not again. I didn't want to say the words that came next, but they tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. "It…" I took a deep, ragged breath and tried again, "It meant nothing to me. I don't feel anything for you. I have never felt anything for you. I lied because I wanted to see how easy you were. You're so gullible, PJ, to think that I would ever like you."

There was a long pause; the entire mood in the room changed, clung heavily in the air. "Oh," PJ uttered what seemed like an eternity later and I could feel my heart shatter. More tears poured from my eyes, but I refused to let him see them. I heard the door to the room after what seemed like another eternity and exhaled a long, shaky breath. I barely managed to zip up my suitcase before I crumpled to the ground, shaking with silent sobs. My entire body shook as I tried to imagine the look on PJ's face as I had spoke the most venomous words I could think of.

After what seemed like hours, I pulled myself together and headed to the bathroom. Splashing water on my face, I tried to clean myself up and get ready to leave. I waited at the end of the bed once all of my things were put in my suitcase, dreading as the time counted down to go.

It was awkward, as I knew it would be, but not because everyone knew what happened. Actually, it seemed Louis had yet to breathe a word of the news he'd found out, but everyone knew something was wrong. PJ looked distraught, his hair more frazzled than I'd ever seen it and he refused to look at anything, but the ground. My eyes were still ringed with red and I couldn't make eye contact with anyone with more than a few seconds. We didn't even get into the same cars and while everyone would try making conversation while we waited in the airport, neither PJ nor I would say anything.

When I got off the plane, I instantly saw Belle's car parked a bit down the terminal. I muttered a goodbye loud enough to make some look up and ask where I was going, but soon faltered when I continued walking without an answer. I put my suit case in the back and climbed into the passenger's seat wordlessly, Belle's excitement dying instantly when she saw my face.

"Tara, what's wrong," she began as we drove away from the airport. I just continued to stare at the road, a lump beginning to form in my throat. "Was it PJ?" she tried again, making the knot clench and a tear escape down my cheek, "Did he do something to you?"

More tears escaped and I gasped for air before I began to speak. "I… I slept with P-PJ," I sobbed, trying hard not to wail in the small car. "How in the bloody hell is that bad," she exclaimed, taking turns looking at me and the road. "I… Belle I called him Ben. I fucking called him Ben. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It was just so much the same. And I… I…" "Oh no." Belle let out a long breath before speaking again, "Tara, you know he's not like Ben. I know he's not like Ben. And I know you're scared because it's been so long and… Well you have a right to be. But he isn't Ben…" There was another long pause before she spoke again, "Tara… What did you say to PJ?"

I was quite for a long time after that, but I could feel her hard glare every time we halted at a light. Sighing quietly, I finally spoke, "I told him I just wanted to see how easy he was to sleep with and that it was ridiculous to think that I would ever like him…" Belle let out a loud groan and I broke into another wave of tears. "I'm scared, Belle," I cried, clutching my sides tightly. "I know you are, Tara," she sighed, "I know you are."

HEEEEEEEEY GUYS.

I hope you don't all hate me for that seemingly never ending break I took. I know it was long and I don't think there is enough words in the English language to express how sorry I am. I made this chapter super extra long, though. So that should soothe your angry soul at least a little bit.

So here's the next chapter and I am sure you all hate that the update I give you after so many days and weeks and months of waiting probably makes you want to tear your heart out and chuck it at the nearest wall! To which I will not apologize because it will only make the next chapter even better!

I promise the next update will not take nearly as long, but it may be a moment or two. I have recently started college and I am settling in. So I can't promise when it will be up, but I can promise it won't be as long as this last hiatus.

The biggest problem was that I couldn't figure out how I wanted to write the chapter. I actually believe I rewrote this entire chapter a total of six times. Nothing seemed to work the way I wanted it to. But I am really, really happy with this chapter (even if I think it is the crappiest piece of writing I've done in a long time).

I am actually super tired because it is the wee hours of the morning where I am and I should really be getting some sleep.

Soooooooooo, my question for you all is who you think Ben is? What do you think his story is and why is he so important to Tara? I really want to know what you guys think and see if any of you guess it spot on! Leave your answer in a review!

As always, PJ is not mine. Nor are his beautifully mischievous friends.

I'm sorry and I love you,

-Boots