THE BROTHERS ZIM
CHAPTER 1
ONCE I ROSE ABOVE THE NOISE AND CONFUSION
They drove quietly for a moment. Reddington tried his best to ignore the stink of stale semen and unwiped butthole wafting off of Geoff. Geoff looked out the window at the passing desert.
"You weren't paying attention, were you?" Reddington asked.
"Huh?"
"Oh dear." Reddington sighed and felt the urge to kill this miserable piece of shit next to him. Like the other Reddingtons, he had also read the Zimventures on fanfiction dot net. He knew that any attempt to kill Geoff would only turn on him tenfold somehow. That was the unfortunate rule of this godforsaken universe, and he had to push the urge deep down.
"Do you remember why you're in my car right now?" Reddington asked.
"Yeah. I needed a ride."
The gun in Reddington's shoulder holster sang to him. "Pick me up and blow his brains out, please!" It practically burned a hole through his coat. He pushed it down again. "And why do you need the ride?"
"Because I fucked up that shitty old car."
A circle formed in the air next to Reddington's head. Yoda looked back at him from it, nodding sagely. "Patience, young Raymond. Patience, it is, you seek."
"But you're going somewhere, right?" Reddington asked.
"Yeah. My brother owes me seven bucks. I'm gonna get it from his sorry ass."
Finally. Wait, seven? Wasn't it nine? Reddington had to force the rationality from his mind. It wasn't the key to dealing with a Zim. "And that's why you're in my car. See? I'm going to help you get to Cris and your n . . . seven bucks."
"Sweet." Geoff fingered a glob of earwax out of his head and wiped it on the dashboard.
"Have you heard of the Divine Comedy?" Reddington asked.
Geoff hawked a loogie directly on top of the earwax and started smearing it around like it was a kindergarten art project.
"What am I saying?" Reddington muttered. He cleared his throat. "Your brother Cris, once upon a time, went on a journey through Hell. You must go on a similar journey."
"That's stupid." Geoff thought maybe the stew he was building on the dashboard could use a little shit. He pushed himself up off the seat so he could get a hand down the back of his pants.
Reddington gagged his horror down. "Crowley lied to us. Or rather, to you and the other me. Or rather, it was a lie of omission. Which I don't think is a lie, but you know how that goes." He glanced at Geoff as the bastard dug around in his ass. "Or maybe you don't."
Reddington pulled over to the side of the road and turned in his seat, trying not to look lower than Geoff's neck. It was still a repulsive sight, but it beat the alternative. "When you die, wherever you are in the multiverse, you go to either one Heaven or one Hell. Which means . . . ?"
Geoff found what he needed and added it to the mess, then licked his finger clean.
"Oh dear God," Reddington said. "It means that Cris was in Hell this whole time. For some reason Crowley didn't want us to know. He led us on a merry chase. He might be even more sadistic than previously thought because I think he plans to lure you back to Hell."
"So I have to go to Hell to get my seven bucks?"
"Thank fucking Christ," Reddington said to the ceiling. "Since we don't have Crowley or any of his demons handy, there's only one way for you to get there." Much to his everlasting relief, Reddington finally reached into his coat and pulled out the gun. He took the safety off and handed it to Geoff. "There's a chance you might end up in Heaven, I suppose. But I'm very doubtful that will happen."
Geoff looked at the gun. "Cool."
Reddington realized that subtlety was the wrong route. "In order to get your seven bucks from Cris, you need to shoot yourself in the head, go to Hell and find him. Luckily for you, there will be a guide there to help you through the circles of Hell, so on and so forth."
It clicked in Geoff's head. "Awesome." And he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger, blowing his brains out all over the upholstery.
Reddington chuckled. "If only the other mes had thought of that sooner. The horror we could have spared ourselves."
He got out of the car and went around to the passenger side, opening the door. Geoff's corpse fell out on the gravel without Reddington having to touch him. He closed the door and got back in, driving off to where he would ditch the car and get back to his own earth.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .