A/N: My apologies for the delay in posting, it was a combination of RL and this chapter giving me a serious headache. Finally, I am fairly happy with it. I have decided to post this chapter unbeta'ed, so any mistakes are solely my own and I apologise in advance. I just didn't want to make you guys wait any longer.
This is very Cas heavy and quite angsty and, as warned before, the rating has gone up to M. Also I have decided to remove the warning that 'nothing will happen until Dean is 17'. Basically, despite having a full outline of the story, I cannot guarantee anymore that they will last that long, the characters are pulling me in a different direction, so I put the blame at their feet.
Chapter 7
As it turned out, High School wasn't so bad after all. The studying sucked, for sure. Course work and oral participation in class just didn't agree with Dean,despite his best efforts to take Cas' words to heart and try to use the apparent talents the man saw in him. What exactly those were, Dean still had no frigging clue about. Studying had never come easy to him. Give him something to fix and he would do it, no questions asked, but all this abstract theoretical stuff just did his head in, and he couldn't always rely on Cas to explain things to him like he had in the past. But for now he was willing to try, for his friend if nothing else.
On the up side (and the reason it didn't all suck), it seemed that having beaten the shit out of a sophomore on his first day as a freshman had gained him a certain kind of reputation and respect. Phil, the dick, still stared at him from across the hall and Dean was sure, he was badmouthing him to his group of friends at every turn, but other than that he stayed away, for now, somewhat adding to the mysterious air that surrounded Dean's character and making Dean wonder what the hell the guy was planning. Jerks like that didn't normally go down without a fight.
But as a result of this, guys wanted to be his friends and girls wanted to date him, basically throwing themselves in his path, and somehow along the way, he had gotten himself a girlfriend. His 'new friends' had forever bugged him about whether one of those girls caught his eye, and how he should 'tap' that. Dean was sure they eventually would have thought it weird (and maybe inferred some totally wrong conclusions) if he forever put the increasing string of girls who wanted to date him off any longer.
In the end it was a no-brainer, really. For one, it stopped the endless come ons from the female population at school (which had got kind of tiresome after the initial excitement and boost for his ego), further it put a stop to the ongoing ribbings from his mates and it put him even higher on the food chain, bearing in mind his girl was not only a sophomore but also a cheerleader. Now questions were mainly limited to enquiries about how far he had gotten with her, to which Dean just smirked and left them guessing. It was none of their frigging business whether they made out behind the bleachers during break or not.
On a more personal note, the whole 'girlfriend routine' helped trying to put his whatever he had going on for his older friend into perspective. Because, despite his best efforts, his mind was still swarming with images of blue eyes and dark unruly hair and long slim fingers. Only now he had the very real memory of what Cas' hands felt like on his skin, being all warm, skin just the right side of rough, as he touched him, to add to his ever growing list of things he tried not to think about. To be honest, that second time he felt himself getting hard in the man's presence really had Dean spooked. Once, he could have filed away under raging hormones or confused curiosity, but now he couldn't fool himself. Part of him was very attracted to his friend; he was not too stupid to see that.
But fuck it, Dean was at a loss as to what to do about any of it. He didn't want this, didn't want to feel these kind of things about Cas. He, at times, was so angry at himself for not being able to turn this off, make it go back to a time when Cas was just their neighbour who, for some unbeknown reason, had taken them under his wings. His friend who spoke weirdly and wore funny clothes. Worst of all, he couldn't shake off the feeling that Cas might have picked up on something. He had been off these last couple of weeks, seemed more stuck in his own head than usual. Not that he didn't spent time with Dean, he and Sam still went around on the weekends and some nights, but he just seemed quieter, somewhat distant. Dean missed the man's attention, his friendship, or what-the-hell-ever, and he didn't want to lose Cas. So he tried to act casual and like nothing was wrong.
He even had proudly announced to Cas and Amelia that he now had a girlfriend, just to alleviate any possible hunches the man might have about Dean's dilemma. While Cas again seemed distant, like he couldn't care less, Amelia had made a big fuss over him and 'first young love' Yeah, love, right…
What the fuck did that word even mean? He was sure he had loved his mom, before, you know. And he was certain he loved Sammy but that was generally where his capacity stopped. His dad- it was complicated. He was family after all but Dean couldn't really say he loved him. Bobby was family and deserved his respect and Dean held a certain amount of affection for the old man. Amelia was nice and Cas was, well Cas, and no he didn't want to go there in any more detail. Anyway, he didn't have to go there now, because he was dating and that was that, case closed. So now he had a nice brunette hanging off his arm, acting simultaneously as a shield and as confirmation that all was well with him, plus the additional benefit of giving him extra brownie points at school.
#
"Yes, Anna, I know babies only get christened once but…" Cas protested weakly.
"No 'but', Castiel! It's been almost a year since we last saw you; it's time you and Amelia dragged yourselves down here and make an appearance. Christenings are a family occasion as you well know, no way mom and dad would forgive you for not attending, and neither would I."
Cas groaned inwardly. Seeing his family was a challenge at the best of times, but right now was about the last thing he wanted to do; not while he was feeling like this. He needed to be at full capacity to face the rest of the Novaks.
"I- we really would love to but, you know, work and – anyway Amelia has this project she needs to finish and we just can't afford to lose a whole weekend-" And oh-oh, Cas knew he was in trouble, by the way Amelia just shot him a 'don't you dare use me as an excuse' look. He smiled at her apologetically, shrugging his shoulders, and she gave him another one of those looks. He wasn't lying exactly, just stretching the truth to its limits. They both did have deadlines to meet for handing in the first drafts of their dissertations, but of course, not having time for a two day trip was really nothing more than a blatant lie. Just Castiel didn't want to deal with his family, read Gabriel, right now. He was still angry at his brother from what happened over Christmas, and had hardly spoken more than a few tense words with him.
On top of that, he had no idea why, but these last couple of weeks had been emotional turmoil. Half the time he felt like he had gone straight to hell and someone was probing his brain with increasing sharp and pointy instruments. His migraine medicine had become his best friend. Cas had no idea what had triggered his latest episode (as he had started to refer to the occasional surfacing of his same sex attraction) but he had been having those thoughts again. For weeks they had been tormenting him and he found himself unable to turn them off, shattering his belief that getting married and be committed to his wife would be the ultimate key to solving his problems. It had worked so well for over two years but now-
"Castiel James Novak! Do not ignore me." Anna's voice blared down the phone, pulling him out of his train of thoughts. "There is no way this baby is getting christened without the whole family present. You have been hiding yourself away for long enough. What is wrong with you lately?"
Where to even start, and not that you would even want to know- or care. Cas groaned inwardly, knowing better than to say that out loud. "I'm just really stressed, work and my thesis, you know. Nothing to worry about and, I see what I can do with regards to the christening." Cas resigned himself to the thought that short of him getting run over by a car there would be no getting out of this.
"You better. I count on you being there, both of you!" Anna said. "Bye Cas, and say hello to Amelia for me".
"Will do, bye Anna" Cas hung up and turned to his wife, feeling himself exposed under her scrutinising gaze. He smiled at her tiredly, "Looks like we're going to Oklahoma next weekend. I better book the flights."
#
Castiel just knew this would end in the usual way. Knew exactly why he didn't want to come. All Novaks together in one house for a whole weekend was a testing premise. As always they kept up the façade of the perfect family all throughout the christening and the subsequent meal with about half the church congregation (after all it mattered what others thought of them; their parents had instilled on them early on to keep family stuff at home). But for the trained eye it was hard to miss the way Balthazar and Gabriel quietly started sniping at one another. Of course, their mom as always tried to ignore this and pretend everything was oh so peachy. Uriel joined in soon, taking sides with Balthazar like he normally did, even though Cas knew the only reason he did so was to wind Gabriel up. Anna (plus baby) was too busy being the centre of attention to even care about her brothers' antics.
For a moment there Castiel thought himself lucky to be out of the firing line, until his mom grabbed hold of him, first questioning him about why his doctorate was taking so long, then probing him about why he and Amelia had not started having kids yet (the old Novak mantra, get married and get knocked up). Naturally, that was where Balthazar had to chip in, and tell his mom that they had adopted two strays from the neighbourhood who probably kept them too busy, or too scarred for life to have kids of their own, not withholding the little nugget about how Dean had got Cas 'stabbed' over Christmas.
Cas glared him down then, no one was talking bad about Dean and Sam. They didn't even know the boys and as for the stabbing, Cas tried to tell the actual story, not that anyone wanted to listen. His mom looked concerned for him for a whole ten seconds, before (in true Christian 'neighbourly-love' fashion, Castiel thought bitterly) hissed at him that while that was a very noble endeavour, he had currently more pressing things to attend to than spend his time with other people's kids. That was what social services was for, before spending a good five minutes urging him to get his priorities right.
It was at that point that Cas wanted to vanish, and where was his wife when he needed her to back him up? Oh right, she appeared right as he was going on the defensive, cutting his mom right off, which, to say the least, didn't go down too well. He saw his father approach from the other side of the room but before he could get involved Amelia, thankfully, had taken him aside, telling him he was a bit out of line. She then changed tone and beseeched him to please tell her what was wrong, what was eating away at him lately. But at that stage Castiel had reached the point of not wanting to talk and so they didn't.
That was how he ended up quietly in one corner of the room, nursing his third (or fourth?) double brandy and feeling sorry for himself. He couldn't shift the feeling that his life was spiralling out of control, and he didn't even know why. Cas felt like a pressure cooker ready to explode. He could hurl the glass at the blooming wall he was so frustrated, and he was not normally the violent type. A buzzing in his pocket stopped him before he could consider this thought any further.
Ur brothers still among the living?
It was from Dean. Cas couldn't help a smile tug at the edge of his mouth and he felt some of the fight leave his body immediately. He had given his friend his number in case of emergencies. More for emergencies on Dean's side, that was, but strictly speaking this qualified, Cas thought. Not that Dean knew this, of course. It felt more like divine intervention, Dean texting him just as he was moping about his lot in life and considering an act of violence that no doubt would have made him the talking point at family gatherings for years to come.
At the most basic level, it felt nice that the teenager had not only spared him and his predicament some thought but thought it important enough to contact him. Like Cas mattered. Something he had serious doubts about while cooped up here with the rest of his family. Dean obviously must have remembered his strained relationship with the rest of his siblings; maybe having grumbled about it to Dean for days had given him away. Either way, it was a most welcomed distraction. He smiled as his fingers flew across the screen, texting back.
You mean have I turned into a serial killer yet?
The answer came back almost instantly.
and, have you?
Castiel snorted into his drink, earning him a confused look from the other family members who thankfully had taken to ignoring him.
Would you hold it against me if I said I had?
Castiel took a big gulp of his drink, finally losing the feeling that a big weight was constantly about to crush him. He actually was kind of giddy all of a sudden and blamed the warm sensation in his stomach on the alcohol slowly working through his system.
Just tell me where theyr holding u and I come and bust u out
You just would, wouldn't you, may I remind you that you are not old enough yet to be driving a vehicle
Castiel was not normally into pointless texting, but right now it was fun and god knows, he could do with some of that.
naturally, u save my ass I save urs and don't worry I know how to drive ;)
Again an instant reply and Cas giggled, stupid alcohol, and he didn't really want to know how Dean learned to drive.
would you help me hide the body?
Just one?
Cas almost snorted the rest of his brandy up through his nose, and ouch that burned.
Just answer the question Dean
yeah, uncle bobby's car crusher should do the job nicely
Your car or my car?
No way Baby's going anywhere near that thing, eva
Castiel could literally imagine Dean's pout at the thought of someone damaging that car and another chuckle escaped him.
"And… what has my little brother in such a good mood all of a sudden; I thought you decided on being Mr Sulky all night?" Gabriel appeared next to him out of thin air, craning his neck to see the screen, and Castiel quickly shut it down and put the phone away.
"You're not having a secret little something on the side, have you?" He didn't wait for an invitation but flopped himself in the chair right next to Castiel, looking at him expectantly, albeit more than slightly tipsy.
"Of course not," Castiel grunted indignantly, his good mood all but gone. He could feel the phone buzz again in his pocket and wanted nothing more than to read and answer it. Texting with Dean was so much more fun than making conversation with his brother but the annoying prick didn't look like he was going anywhere any time soon.
"What do you want Gabriel?"
"What - I can't enquire about my baby brother's wellbeing? What is the world coming to!" Gabriel held his chest, faking heartbreak and Castiel fixed him with an irritated stare.
"No," he stated dryly.
"Ah come on Cassie. You still mad about Christmas? It's water under the bridge, seriously you are so easy to work up. But honestly, is there trouble in paradise? You and Amelia seem kind of off."
Castiel looked away and groaned. Despite Gabriel generally being an exasperating and self-centred individual, he had his insightful moments, always at the wrong times Cas might add, and that didn't help him one bit right now.
"No! What makes you think that? You never have a disagreement with your other half over something utterly meaningless. When did you turn into Mr Perfect?"
"So, there is trouble…" was what Gabriel took away from that.
"No trouble, we are fine, ok, peachy. Need me to spell it out for you?"
Gabriel just rolled his eyes. "Yeah, so 'fine' that you keep your distance from her all evening, looking like you're about to jump off a cliff - then suddenly your phone pings and you're all smiles and giggles, you sure you don't have a lady-" he leaned in and whispered dramatically "or 'boy'-friend on the side?"
And oh god, despite having nothing to hide or to be accountable for, Castiel stalled, looking like a deer caught in headlights, throat suddenly feeling very dry. He swallowed in quick succession, trying to get his voice to work. Without knowing why or how, his brother had put his finger right on the pulse of his current crisis, and the thoughts and panic that came along with them. It didn't help matters, that he had been, in fact, texting with a boy. Dean. Not that he had anything to be ashamed of. They had a stupid little banter via text, like friends did. And Gabriel didn't even know it had been Dean. Still, the thought that the teenager managed to pull him out of his funk with just a few stupid messages was suddenly unsettling Cas greatly, effectively killing any leftover buzz he had felt earlier.
Now all he felt was his head hurting, drumming out a constant beat behind his brows. Damn Gabriel and his stupid innuendos, intentionally or otherwise. Not that Cas had any doubt where at least part of that comment was aimed at. His brother really must get off on making Cas feel miserable and he could feel his hand twitch, suddenly, with an overwhelming urge to whack that smirk right off his face.
"No I DO NOT - and this discussion is officially over," Castiel snapped instead, getting up too fast and feeling the room spin for a moment.
"Woah, easy there bro. I think you had a few too many." Gabriel reached for his brother, steadying him before letting go again. "Just, don't forget, I'll be here when you need to talk." he yelled after him, and Castiel almost believed him to care. After all, despite all his teasing and taunting, Gabriel had kept his secret, just like he promised all those years ago, that didn't mean though that Castiel would add to that any time soon, he just didn't believe him enough.
Abut 800 miles away, Dean sat crossed legged on his bed, stupid grin on his face and clutching to his phone. He was most definitely not waiting for a reply from Cas, and he didn't know that it had been five minutes since he sent his last text, of course he didn't. And it wasn't like he had nothing better to do; only that homework was boring, and he kind of missed Cas (not that he would admit that out loud). It was just that Saturdays were normally their days. On a whim he had texted him, not really expecting a reply, having been very surprised when one had come almost instantly. It undeniably had brightened his mood a bit, but he would stop short at admitting to staring at the phone every ten seconds to see whether Cas had in fact replied. Dude was busy, most likely.
"What's that sappy grin about?" Sammy asked, having watched his brother out of the corner of his eyes for the last fifteen minutes or so.
"What?" Dean's head whipped up looking at his smirking brother, sitting on his bed, homework strewn all around him.
"You- grinning like an idiot."
"No I'm not," Dean protested.
"Who you're texting?" his brother pestered.
"None of your bees wax," Dean retorted, giving the little menace a glare for good measure.
"Is it your girlfriend?" Sammy teased, clearly not getting the message.
"Erm, no- yes, just texting Pam." Dean confirmed all too quickly.
"Aw, Dean's in lurve."
"Shut up, Sammy," his brother just didn't know when to shut his pie hole.
"Dean and Pam, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.-" Bash, a cushion hit Sammy square in the face, effectively shutting him up.
"Jerk," he mumbled, throwing the cushion back at his brother, but he knew better than not to take Dean's stern expression on his face as anything other than 'this talk is over'. He definitely got weirder since he started dating girls. Ugh, if that was what happened, Sammy was sure he never wanted to get into girls.
In the silence that followed, as his brother went back to doing his homework, Dean couldn't help a very uncomfortable feeling settle in his stomach. Sammy had thoughtlessly thrown around a rather big word, the word he had been obsessing about lately thanks to Amelia's input. Worse, his little brother had assumed just from the way he acted while texting that whoever was on the other end of that conversation could invoke such a feeling in him. And just like that he was back to worrying about his increasing whatever that he had for Cas.
Hell, Dean thought he had it all sussed now that he was with a girl and really, he liked Pam. She was pretty with just the right amount of sass to her personality not to make her boring. Yet, he didn't think he had ever felt quite that excited to receive a text from her. He placated himself with the thought that the reason for that was because he saw her virtually every day at school. Still, it didn't stop a strange feeling from taking up residence in his stomach, and he was getting just a tad grumpy because Cas had yet to reply to his last text, and shit, he hated his life.
#
Four weeks, had it really already been four weeks?
Castiel frowned as he looked wearily at the staircase, like an execution squad was waiting at the end of it. It had been four weeks since life as he knew it had come to a stuttering halt, crumbling down around him like a piece of wood eaten up by dry rot.
He took in a deep breath and put his foot on that first step, walking up the stairs slowly, his legs heavy as lead. More than once he was tempted to just turn around and run, out of the house, out of here, away from it all. To leave it all behind and start afresh, or alternatively jump off the nearest bridge, figuratively speaking. Only he knew there was no easy way out. No matter how he looked at it, he would be hurting the ones he loved, had done so already without them knowing.
He was so ashamed of himself and what he had done that he started to push his wife, and other people, away, mainly hiding himself at work or in his study. He did not want to have this conversation, never thought he would need to have anything close to it, but he just couldn't hold this in any longer, couldn't keep this a secret and carry on with life as it was. And god knows he had dragged this out long enough.
Things remained tense after the christening, and he had started to run out of excuses to try and pacify his wife. He refused on various occasions to take her up on her offers to just talk to her, and tell her what was wrong, because how could he tell her the truth about him? When he knew he couldn't bear to see that look of disgust on her face. Of course in hindsight, he was sure none of this would have happened if he just had the guts to be open with her. Nothing could have been worse than this. But now, with his life in ruins, he was left with no other option than to be honest, and probably hurt her more than any declaration of his struggles could have ever done.
He saw the hurt in her eyes, every time he dodged her attempts at intimate contact. Eventually, he couldn't even get himself to meet her eyes, and he hated himself for the fact that he could see that she started to blame herself. Wondering whether it was something she had done to elicit such a reaction in him. Really, she deserved to know the truth, deserved to know that none of this was her fault, deserved better than this, than him.
He had never, ever in a million years pegged himself for the cheating type. Castiel had always been flippantly judgemental of anyone who cheated on their other half, be it a married spouse or a partner. He valued fidelity highly, and always believed that if you just committed to someone strong enough, you could withstand any temptation. After all, man was not slave to his desires but could choose to control them. Castiel could attend to this first hand, or well, he could have until a month ago. Oh, how the mighty had fallen. He was ashamed and angry with himself that he hadn't been strong enough to stop this whole fiasco from happening, wanting to punch himself every time he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. Right now there was probably no one who loathed himself more than he did. He was a liar and a cheater.
Although, strictly speaking, what he had done could not even really be labelled as cheating, but Castiel knew even as he thought it, that really he was looking for an easy way out, for a way to justify himself. Doing stuff with another person that in all honesty you should only be doing with your spouse, was nothing other than cheating. It didn't matter how far it went and that really all it had been was a drunken, heated kiss and a few nervous fumbles in a darkened car park, outside his faculty with one of the visiting professors.
The man for days had made his interest and intentions towards Castiel crystal clear, not taking no for an answer. He initially felt quite offended that the guy could think of him as a suitable candidate to pursue such activities with, as surely he must have known that he was married. But soon enough his charm and Castiel's generally weakened defences, as he was still struggling with the resurging of buried cravings, had started to take its toll. Exactly for those reasons, Castiel should have known better and stayed well away. Should have run a hundred miles in the opposite direction as soon as he had felt those first stirrings of more than just feeling flattered about the attention he received. There was just something about that guy. Castiel was sure it was his eyes, which were a strong dark shade of green and managed to pull him in every time he dared looking at them for too long.
Then during a post celebration haze of birthday drinks (it always was someone's birthday in the department, it seemed), Castiel was worn down from hours of having been flirted with. There had been whispered little jokes in his ear, way too close to not be considered intimate, brushing of hands against his own or slight caresses to the small of his back as the man moved them across the room to make small talk, like it was the most natural thing on earth. And Castiel let himself be moved, in more ways than one, knowing full well where it could lead but feeling powerless to deny it. He couldn't ignore his curiosity plus that coiling deep down low in his belly that had gotten stronger and stronger with each passing day.
Inevitably the offer to get some 'fresh air' came, which Castiel's slightly clouded brain couldn't translate for what its true intention was. Quite possibly though, he didn't want to try and decipher it, because then he surely would have declined, and oh god, in that moment Castiel didn't want to decline. And then with little warning, pressed against a wall in the dark, there had been that first brush of another man's lips against his own, and he fell, got lost completely. The sensation of stubble against his cheek, as the man kissed him, set him on fire; all that suppressed want pouring out full force. Before long Cas had kissed back, allowing the man's tongue to slip inside his mouth, feeling tongue slide against tongue. Cas' hands wandered under the man's shirt, frantically clawing at the skin there, feeling the hard planes of stomach and sharp hip bones, no soft curves, and he whimpered as he felt himself grow harder than he had ever remembered being.
It wasn't until he felt the guy's own erection pressing urgently against his, noticed fumbling hands open his belt buckle and a hand reaching inside his slacks touching his hard-on, that realisation and panic kicked in. Amelia flashed in front of his eyes and the guilt crashed into him like a tidal wave. The mere truth that despite loving her, he had never felt that kind of want, that burning need he had felt at that moment. Cas suddenly couldn't breathe, feeling dizzy, and had shoved the other man away. He haphazardly tucked his shirt back in his trousers before he took refuge in his car and sped off at full speed.
But the flood gates had been opened, the damn broken and Castiel could not deny the truth he had so carefully since his teenage years denied, when that first flutter of sexual awakening had him grow aroused and hard at the sight of two men kissing on TV, any longer.
Amelia deserved the truth, and if she then still wanted to have him, he would do anything to work this out, therapy, prayer, whatever it might take. But even while he was trying to believe this, he had trouble ignoring that small voice in the back of his head, telling him to finally man up and face the truth. To be honest with himself for the first time. After all, his parents had instilled in him the virtue of honesty, and to accept yourself for who you were (unless you turned out to like people of the same sex apparently, but Castiel had given up a long time ago to even bring up the point as a means for intellectual discussion with them).
One thing he did know, and that was that Amelia deserved to make an informed decision, rather than being lied to continuously, at least now that Castiel was finally able to face all the facts. With that new found determination and a big intake of air, he finally took the last few steps and turned towards their study.
"Amelia, can we talk?" Castiel said, standing nervously in the door, not quite daring to look at his wife who sat at the table, head buried in the laptop, trying to put the finishing touches to her paper.
Amelia looked up and smiled tiredly but hopeful at her husband. "Sure, honey, what's up?"
Castiel shifted from one leg to the other, trying for the right way to start this. He had practised this a thousand times over in his head but now his throat was closing up. Amelia picked up on the tenseness and her smile turned to worry.
"Castiel, what is it? You really are starting to worry me. You know you can tell me anything." She got up and took a few steps towards her husband, looking at him with her big hazel eyes.
Castiel couldn't stand seeing her like that and with a big sobbed "I'm so sorry," broke down and hid his face in his hands. Amelia was there in a flash and put her arms around her husband, only to be gently pushed away by him.
"No, I don't deserve this," he rasped. "You will hate me and I-"
"Castiel, nothing you say could make me hate you, but I'm getting worried here." she pleaded, trying to catch her other half's eyes.
"I… I'm, oh god Amelia, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be this, like this but - you deserve to know. I don't want to lie to you, and believe me, I never intended to hurt you. I really thought it was over, just a juvenile phase, that I could fix this, but …."
"CASTIEL, please." Amelia begged, now shaking.
"I'm gay." He sobbed quietly, now standing stock still, waiting for the inevitable outburst. Instead of that, Amelia took a step back, gaping at Castiel open mouthed.
"What? You're not gay," she whispered in disbelief, visibly curling in on herself. "You, I mean, we… what makes you think that?" the words tumbling out of her mouth as she moved back and sat down on the chair. Castiel sank to the floor and hugged his legs.
"How would you know? You never – why now, after all this time?" she asked looking at him, her face suddenly changing. "Unless… Oh my god, Castiel, say you didn't!" Tears sprung from her eyes.
Castiel shook his head while simultaneously saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this," over and over.
"Cassie, please tell me, this is all- this just doesn't make any sense. Have you been lying to me this whole time?"
"NO! I never- I thought I was getting better, that I beat this, I love you Amelia, you must believe me," Castiel implored looking at her through shiny wet eyes.
Amelia went very quiet, the occasional sob escaping her, while she intermittently shook her head, trying to make sense of what she just had been told. Castiel remained on his spot on the floor, hugging his legs tight and wishing for all its worth that he could go back in time, and make this all right. Spare his wife the pain he clearly had put her in.
Eventually, Amelia got up from her chair. "Castiel, I can't do this now – I- I will need some time to process this." She didn't quite meet her husband's gaze as she spoke.
"Of course, whatever you need, I'm – I want to fix this," his voice was hoarse from too many emotions. She nodded her head before leaving the room, leaving Castiel on the floor. A minute later he heard the closing of the front door, and flinched at the thought that maybe, this was it. Maybe Amelia was so disgusted with him that she left and would not come back.
He stayed glued to his spot on the floor, a place more than adequate for him right now he felt. He was the lowest of the low, had turned into someone he never wanted to be in more ways than one. He put his head in his hands, feeling the oncome of a major migraine and honestly, didn't know what to do next.
And suddenly a new wave of panic and guilt hit him. The thought of two boys, who had come to think of them as friends, almost family, left him gasping. He had not even spared the consequences his trespass might have on them any thought until now. If Amelia left they would be devastated. They would surely hate him for having brought this upon them. Oh god- Dean! Would Dean hate him for what he had done, for what he was? Castiel found it hard to breathe. He couldn't bear this thought any more than he could bear the idea of Amelia despising him. And what would he even tell his family, if she left him? No, he had to fix this, had to prove to Amelia that he wasn't defined by this, to hold this all together somehow. For everyone involved.
As on cue, there was a loud knock on the front door. For a second Castiel thought Amelia had come back, maybe in her hurry to leave she had forgotten her front door keys, but then he remembered. He had promised Sammy some help with his science project over the weekend, and he surely was here to make good on that promise, something which was confirmed by another knock and a voice shouting, "Hey Cas, you're in?" It was Dean's voice and Cas' heart was stabbed with a new wave of hurt and guilt.
He was torn whether to just ignore the boys, yet feeling a small tug at the thought of seeing Dean. He knew he was in no real position to help anyone right now, at the same time he felt so incredibly guilty for possibly taking this away from them, for not doing what he could while he still could. So after a sniff and a wipe of his nose with the sleeve of his shirt, he got up off from his balled up position on the floor, stiff limbs refusing to cooperate for a second.
He needed to pull himself together. There were two boys downstairs, who too soon might be affected by his stupidity. A fate Castiel would rather spare them, being as their own father was providing a less than perfect home for these kids. And god he would miss Dean, he had really come to value the boy's company.
Cas took a few steadying breaths, heading to the bathroom, splashing some cold water on his face and compose himself as best as he could. Then he headed downstairs, legs just as heavy as they were earlier, and opened the door with a small grin and a "hello Dean, hi Sammy," ruffling the boy's shaggy hair and giving Dean a pat on the back.
Dean's smile and his 'Hello Cas', had him flinch. How he had come to value Dean calling him that. Would he still be 'Cas' once this all blew up or would he be just 'Castiel' again. The weird guy, the guy who had cheated on his wife, with a man, and ruined everything for everyone in the process. God, seeing these kids made him feel better and worse at the same time. Still he smiled and motioned for them to come in, asking Sammy whether he brought everything he needed which the boy answered with an enthusiastic nod of his head. Castiel ushered him and his brother into the kitchen, trying at least for now not to think about what would be next as he asked them whether they cared for a drink.