A/N: I finally got round to finishing off the next chapter. I hope you are all ready for some emotions, and also, I'm finally starting to delve into the real delicate aspects of this fic. I still hope I will manage to do this topic justice. Let me know what you think.
This chapter is unbeta'ed and I tried my best to catch all mistakes, if you come across anything glaringly obvious, please let me know and I will fix it.
Again, I hope you are ready for some feels (I had a serious amount of them writing parts of this chapter)
Cas had no idea how he'd managed to survive the festive season and come out the other end relatively unscathed but he wasn't going to question it. Amelia, true to her word, accompanied him to the Novak Christmas gathering. Cas rather would have faced open heart surgery than face his family, especially in his current emotional state. But despite his fears they seemed to have pulled it off, no one really suspected that anything was off. It was one of the few times Cas was extremely grateful for their superficial family dynamics. They turned up, smiled at the right moments, agreed to pretty much everything his parents threw at them in terms of doctorate, kids and finally moving out of that dreadful neighborhood, and in the evenings they excused themselves at the earliest opportunity that didn't make them appear rude.
One good thing had come out of that weekend though. Having been forced to put up a united front actually helped their relationship. Amelia and he had to talk and before long it almost felt like the old days again. Of course they weren't exactly like before, there was no touching or cuddling, but they connected over their shared misery. If anything, Amelia seemed more protective than normal when Castiel's siblings tried laying into him and he was grateful for her support; god knows he didn't deserve it (and when would he ever be grown-up enough to warrant his sibling's respect?) Still, the knowledge of this possibly having been the last time he would spend time with them like that wore heavy on him. After all they were still his family and he wanted to do right by them.
All things considered though, their trip had been a relatively positive experience despite everything that had gone before. But now the New Year was here and with it a completely blank and scary landscape. Amelia told her parents last weekend and they, as expected, were devastated by the news and wanted to know why. Castiel knew that 'wanting different things out of life' was only a feeble explanation, one that wouldn't stand the test of time. He was infinitely grateful that Amelia kindly gave him the time to come to grips with his sexuality and promised not to 'out' him, even if that meant coming up with meager excuses as to their break-up. She even brought along some pamphlets the other night, about a local lgbt support group and pleaded with him to go, as she could see how much pain he still was in, valiantly ignoring her own suffering. She really was too good for him.
His soon to be ex-wife decided that she would move out and share an apartment with one of her friends while they sorted out all the legal stuff. As to the house, Castiel was currently looking into the prospect of whether he would be able to hold on to it, as scary as a big financial commitment like that sounded. He just couldn't envisage leaving. This house, in the relative short time he had spent in it, had become his safe place, his sanctuary. He even liked the slightly whacky and derelict neighborhood. Mainly though, if he was being completely honest, he didn't want to leave Dean and Sammy to their own devices. Breaking the news about their separation would be hard enough, telling them they both would leave, Castiel couldn't stomach. Even Amelia had voiced her concern, thinking about more creative ways of possibly staying in the boys' lives. Still, none of those options seemed viable from where Castiel was standing. He felt responsible for these kids, thought of them almost as family, and on a totally selfish note, he would miss them. He liked having them around. Dean especially had managed to shake up his boring, well organized and safe life. And Cas enjoyed that side of him. And god knows there wasn't too much to enjoy right now.
But telling them the truth (well, the abridged version) was inevitable, and they both wanted to do this whilst Amelia was still in the house, leading to today being the day. Cas had been pacing the house virtually non stop all morning, an insufferable nervousness buzzing inside him, unable to keep still. No angle seemed a good angle to address this. Damn, he was never good at this kind of talking stuff. It was definitely something that hadn't been instilled in him as a child. Smile and pretend nothing was wrong, that was what his family had taught him. Amelia clearly was affected as well, she clattered around the house, sorting through stuff and packing. Cas had to try hard not to choke up, because it reminded him that this was real, well more real than before. It was happening and he had to start his life over, feeling totally unprepared to do so but knowing there was no going back, not unless he wanted to cause more pain and trouble in the long and spend the rest of his life lying to the people he cared about
#
"Come on squirt, time to go." This must be the tenth time he told his dimwit brother to get a move on, but ever since Uncle Bobby got him that stupid Nintendo for Christmas he might as well be talking to the wall. Don't get him wrong, he loved that they actually managed to have a proper Christmas for a change. Bobby and his wife went out of their way to make them feel welcomed. Even their dad tidied up his act and mainly kept to a couple of beers every night (no doubt brought on by Bobby's scary talk the first evening about not putting up with any of John's crap. Dean had a new found appreciation and respect for his adoptive uncle, because not many people managed to get through to their old man). This led to them actually spending some quality time together. Really, it must have been their best Christmas since their mom died. God, he missed her but it felt like for the first time, they all allowed themselves to be happy. Dean only hoped this would last and their dad would not go straight back to hitting the bottle now that they were back home and the grim reality of their lives.
But this portable device was a contraption straight from hell, Dean was absolutely certain. It had transformed Sammy into some kind of walking zombie, and he didn't even want to get started on the noise that thing emitted. Its brainless electronic tune was driving him up the wall. He was tempted more than once to smash or hide that damn device. The older Winchester knew Bobby meant well but what was wrong with some good old fashioned books (and god, Dean never thought he would think that, it seemed Cas really had rubbed off on him). And thinking of Cas, they were going to be late. He hadn't seen him in almost three weeks and was desperate to meet up with his friend. Dean had planned on going over there this afternoon anyway, but then had received a rather official sounding text from the man this morning, inviting Sammy and him around for some cake and a chat. And Dean would be lying if he said he wasn't anxious. Those kinds of official gatherings never spelled anything good. Just that he couldn't for the life of it think of anything that would warrant cause for concern. Best to get if over with.
"Sammy, come on, they're waiting and there will be cake." Bribery wasn't below him to get his brother moving.
"Just letme finish the level."
"Sammy, I swear, if you don't turn this thing off, I'll-"
"Dad tells us not to swear."
Dean rolled his eyes. "Don't be a smartass and come on."
Finally, ten minutes (and a small tantrum as Sammy lost the level) later they were knocking on the Novaks' door. Amelia opened it almost immediately, wasting no time to pull them each into a warm embrace before steering them into the living room. Cas was already there, sitting on the small chair in the corner.
"Hey Cas," Dean couldn't help the big grin that spread across his face. God he had missed him and his stupid blue eyes and his messy dark hair and just, he'd missed him. Damn, he had to get a grip.
"Hello Dean." Cas voice sounded strained and Dean stopped in his tracks. He was about to go over and give his friend a hug, it had been too long but something told him it might not be such a good idea right now.
"Hey," Sammy greeted the room at large, already eyeing the cake that sat on the table hungrily.
"Ok, I guess cake first." Amelia chortled, smiling at the younger brother, putting cake on plates and handing them out. The boys happily accepted and got stuck in. Dean's eyes kept flickering over to Cas, who started to look increasingly constipated the longer they all sat there. This in turn made Dean's stomach churn anxiously. Suddenly eating cake didn't seem like such a good idea. "So, what's this all about then?" He quipped, trying to sound more relaxed than he felt but just wanting to get this over with so he could hang out with Cas or something.
But Amelia and Cas' reaction, their silent conversation with their eyes, didn't do much to calm his nerves. On the contrary! The older Winchester looked over at his brother, who seemed oblivious to the mounting tension in the room.
"Well-" Amelia started, looking at Cas for support.
"Come on, it can't be that bad. Oh, I know- you're pregnant." Dean chanced a guess. Yeah, that would make sense. They were getting to that age.
"No," Cas and Amelia both said, shaking their heads and looking even more tense than before.
"Come on, I'm starting to freak out here." Dean instinctively moved closer to his brother on the sofa.
"We're- erm," Cas started, god there was no easy way of saying this. Why did this feel like breaking bad news to their own kids, he wondered.
"We wanted you to know that we are going to separate." Amelia finally found the nerve to say.
"What?" Sammy muttered around a mouthful of cake. Dean stared at them in shock. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, he was sure you could hear a pin drop it had gone so quiet.
Dean shook his head. "Why are you splitting up?" He asked dismayed. This was not happening. Those two were like the perfect couple from what Dean could tell.
"Did one of you cheat?" It seemed like the obvious reason for people to break up and the only thing he could think of. He pierced Cas with his gaze, like he would be able to read the guy's mind if he only tried hard enough. Cas shuffled uncomfortable in his seat at Dean's words and stared at the floor, something that didn't go unnoticed by the boy.
"Cas, really?" His voice went up an octave in sheer shock. Cas didn't seem the type to do that. "How could you?"
"No, it wasn't like that just,-" Cas protested and Dean was really getting mixed signals here now as Amelia put her hand on the man's knee in silent support. "I recently found out some things about myself, and-"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean snapped, not letting Cas finish.
"Dean," Amelia tried to intercede, Sammy just stared at his brother, gob smacked at his outburst.
"Stop making no sense; why not spell it out Cas? If neither of you cheated what have you found out?" He huffed amused, "You gone gay or some shit?" It was only a stab in the dark, more a joke to ease the tension, but his face fell at the way Cas' own face froze in shock. And if would have been any doubt left, Amelia's own fidgeting and shocked glare was all the confirmation he needed.
"You got to be fucking kidding me. This is-" Dean felt himself go cold, dread creeping up his spine. Cas was into guys? What the hell? This didn't make any sense. Why did he marry Amelia then? Why were they splitting up now and what was the bit about cheating? Dean felt his temper rising. He glared at Cas in disbelief, looking at him, like he saw him for the first time. Castiel Novak was- liked men! Dean's stomach clenched. Could he actually have a shot with him? And why the fuck was he thinking about this now of all things? Shit, it was all so much easier when Cas was just Cas, married to Amelia, and straight. Dean found it hard to breathe. His chest felt all too tight all of a sudden, his world abruptly knocked off its axis. He really needed to get out of here. Sammy forgotten, he jumped to his feet.
"This is bullshit." He yelled, glaring at Cas before running out of the room and out of the house.
Dean fiddled with the door keys. It took him three attempt to open the front door. He raced up to his room and flung himself on the bed, pummeling the pillow. Dean tried to convince himself that really he was just mad because they would be taking all this away from Sammy now. He knew how much his brother thought of that place as a second home, hell at times probably even more like his first home. How he adored Amelia and being pampered by her. How he loved sharing his success stories with them. He didn't want to see his baby brother's heart being broken. But even in that Dean knew that he was lying to himself. He was a selfish bastard, and while his brother should be his main concern, he couldn't help quell the panic that had gripped him. He didn't want to lose Cas. What was he supposed to do? Why had Cas not told him? Cas was a selfish asshole that was why. Dean hit the pillow again in frustration. It was easier blaming Cas than facing the hole the man would leave behind. Of course the one good thing that happened to them in the last couple of years was not meant to last. Somehow life would always screw them over, take away anything good in their lives, their mother, their father by proxy and now he would lose Cas too.
He heard the front door bang, followed by angry footsteps.
"What the hell is your problem?" Dean cringed at the voice of his little brother as he stormed into the room. He sounded furious.
"Leave m'lone," he mumbled in his pillow.
"No, what is wrong with you? You should have seen Cas, he was actually crying when you stormed out like that. You ass."
Dean's head shot up at that bit of information. "What?"
Sammy couldn't' help but notice the red rimmed eyes of his brother. "What's the matter with you? Is it the gay thing? I never had you down as a homophobe."
Dean glared wide eyed at his brother. That were some big words coming out of that little kids' mouth. Then again, Sammy had always been smart and wordy for his age.
His brother must have taken his silent glare as confirmation as he laid into him some more. "Dean, that is absolute crap-"
"Sammy, words." Dean couldn't help it; he was still the big brother. Only then did he notice that Sammy's eyes were shinning, he was about to cry and Dean's heart broke.
"I'm sorry Sammy. I didn't mean to, I just-"
His brother threw himself at him, burying his head in Dean's chest.
"It's not fair." he sobbed. "I don't want them to split up and leave us."
"I know, I know," Dean shushed him, carding his fingers through the boy's by now way too long hair. He had to find money for a haircut somehow or, even better get his hands on some clippers.
They stayed like that for a long time. Dean by now, felt very foolish for having stormed out like that, and even guiltier for the way he had left his brother behind. Nothing warranted him forgetting about Sammy. He had to come first. Still his thoughts kept drifting back to Cas. Had he really been that upset by Dean's reaction? Why did he allow to let his temper run away with him like that?
"You know," Sammy sniffled eventually. "You should probably go over there and apologize."
Dean huffed. He wanted to so badly but he was embarrassed, what would he even say?" He truly messed up this time.
"They're not trying to hurt us on purpose, life just sucks."
"I know," he marveled at his brother. "Why are you always the wise one out of the two of us?"
"I'm awesome," Sammy chuckled through the tears.
"Hey, that's my line," Dean ruffled his hair, starting to feel a bit better. As long as they had each other, they'd be able to weather anything this stupid life would throw at them.
#
It took Dean until it was way past dark to work up the courage to go back. He still had no idea what he was going to say but as time went on his anger and frustration had turned into concern and feeling plain crappy for having given Cas the idea that he might be not ok with him being into guys. Sammy told him again how devastated Cas had been, and that Amelia and he both promised that they would stay in their lives, which made Dean feel even more like crap. Because really, they would not have to spare them any thought while they sorted out their own shit. They just happened to have had the bad luck of buying the house opposite them and get drawn into their wretched world. So if two years with Cas was all he got out of this, he would remember that time with fondness. After all, he always assumed it would be just him and Sammy against the world in the end.
Leaving his brother with some dinner and his new favorite toy, he took the short walk across the street and knocked on the door (Cas had gotten as far as buying a bell a few months back but never actually installed it, Dean remembered fondly). There was no answer and if it hadn't been for the small shimmer of light that he could make out through the glass, and Cas' car out front, he would have thought no one was home. He knocked again, and when there was still no reply he got antsy. What if Cas didn't want to see him? He really didn't want to leave this for another day. Didn't want to lose that shred of courage he had worked up.
He made his way through the small side gate into the garden, and checked the windows and the backdoor, which, to his surprise, was unlocked. Dean knew that technically he was breaking and entering but he couldn't care less right now. Plus he needed to tell them off for leaving their backdoor unlocked. Just last week the house two doors down was cleared out, they really should know better in a neighborhood like this.
He locked the door behind him, standing in the dark kitchen and hearing music coming from somewhere upstairs.
"Cas, Amelia?," he called as he headed up the stairs, making his presence known. There was no reply but the music was getting louder and coming out of the study. The door was ajar and Dean peaked inside, eyes falling on the figure of Cas, sitting on the floor, eyes closed, as the music, something classic, was coming to a crescendo. No wonder Cas didn't hear him.
He knocked on the frame. "Cas?"
"Dean?" Cas opened his eyes, locking his gaze with Dean's. "How did you get in here?"
Dean chuckled. "Free advice, don't leave your backdoor unlocked."
"Duly noted," Cas nodded but otherwise remained quiet, his eyes shying away from Dean, like he was embarrassed. Dean shuffled in the doorway for what felt like forever, trying to find something to say.
"Amelia round?" he asked nervously, he wanted to get this apology over with, ideally only having to do this once. He wasn't one for easily admitting when he was wrong.
"She left about an hour ago." Cas simply stated, still not looking at Dean. But his voice sounded so pained and raw that Dean all but rushed to his side, sitting down beside him.
"Cas, I'm so sorry," suddenly those words came easy. He really had been a jerk today. Of course, this could not be easy for Cas, or for Amelia, and he didn't even know the whole story yet. But did it even matter what the story was? His friend was hurting and all he had been thinking about was his own selfish needs.
Cas met his eyes then, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Thank you." Cas couldn't help but feel relieved. He had been devastated earlier when Dean just upped and left. It had been one of his worst case scenarios, Dean being so disgusted with him, with what he was, that he didn't want anything to do with him anymore, just like his family no doubt would do once they found out. So Dean coming back, being with him here now meant the world to him. He felt like he wasn't completely alone. As much as he hoped Amelia and he could salvage some form of friendship, she had left for good for now, only some boxes in their former shared bedroom remaining.
They sat in silence for a long while, side by side, legs touching as they listened to the music. Dean had never been much of a fan of classical music but this here now, was nice.
"What is this?"
"Nabucco by Verdi."
Dean nodded like that actually meant something to him. "And what is this current – song?" he asked for lack of a better word.
That made Cas chuckle and Dean decided he didn't mind sounding like a fool if that meant cheering the man up.
"It is called 'Va pensiero', 'the Hebrew slave chorus."
Dean chanced a look at Cas. That sounded kind of heavy, and Cas looked so small, so exhausted. He had no idea what they were singing about but it sounded sad, maybe expressing perfectly how Cas felt? Instinctively he scooted closer to the man, resting his head on his shoulder in silent comfort, craving the closeness.
"So, you are not- disgusted by me?" Cas asked quietly after a moment. He didn't quite know where that had come but a life time of conditioning was hard to overcome apparently, and he still sometimes couldn't believe how readily Amelia had accepted that part of him. The prospect that Dean would extend him the same courtesy felt like too good to be true.
"What?" Dean lifted his head off Cas' shoulder looking at him in confusion before he connected the dots. "Because you're gay? No, of course not. It's just, well you are married and- did she know?" Curiosity got the better of him.
"No, to be honest I hardly knew, or well- admitted it until recently and-"
"But you're sure? I mean how do you know?" Dean knew he was prying but as he himself was plagued by continuous questions regarding his attraction to Cas he was curious as to the answer.
Cas swallowed nervously. Talking about this hadn't gotten any easier over these last weeks. Half the time he still couldn't even admit to himself that he was definitely gay. But Dean looked at him with an openness and inquisitiveness he couldn't refuse.
"Yes, I am sure. As much as I wish I wasn't. I-" he felt himself choke up.
"Man, it's ok, if you don't want to talk about it now." Dean squeezed Cas' arm in support.
"No, I will have to learn to face this, face myself. Well, you have met my family, they made it pretty clear that kind of thing was not acceptable so when I realized, I just chose to ignore it. Thought I went the way of least resistance, and look where it got me. And the pain I caused everyone around me. Dean, I'm so sorry I-"
"Hey, you don't need to apologize to me." He nudged Cas' shoulder. If only Cas knew how well he understood him. He had no idea whether his dad would outright disown him or 'just' beat him up should he ever admit to liking guys but he was convinced he would not be very happy about it at the very least, and if Dean could avoid ever telling him he would gladly do so. The slurs John used on a regular basis to describe people like Cas were too vivid in his memory and to Dean's great shame he had to admit that he even used some of them before- you know.
But right now, as he was staring into Cas' blue eyes, he wondered whether he should, would be brave enough, to tell him. Tell him he was not alone in this. That he was struggling with the same issues. Maybe even what made him realize this. It was just his lips didn't want to cooperate. The traitorous thoughts of maybe, against hope, having a shot with Cas were back in full force (not that his teenagey lust addled brain would have spared much thought to such things as legality of such actions). Being so close to the older man was short-circuiting his brain. The more he stared at Cas, the more his pulse sped up. He felt that inevitable pull, the one he had so many times before, and leaned in a bit closer, keeping his eyes locked with the man's blue ones. He waited for some form of indication that Cas was not ok with this. When none came, Dean was sure he was going to kiss him. Let action speak louder than words, to hell with any consequences.
Cas had no idea why, but he was mesmerized by Dean's eyes and the way he was looking at him, more than he usually was. There was just something different in the way the teenager studied him, and he had a hard time deciphering it. Despite that, he had to admit he loved having the boy here; his presence was like a comforting balm to his wounds. It was nice to know that there were two people out there in the world who didn't think him weird, beyond salvation, despite him having messed up so badly.
Cas had to eventually will his eyes away, feeling himself blush under the scrutiny of Dean's gaze. He was painfully aware of just how close the teenager was by now, but he refused to dwell on that. It wasn't the first time they were way within each other's personal space. Contrary to first impressions, Dean seemed to be one of those people who craved physical contact. Cas rested his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, letting the music and Dean's presence soothe him.
Dean was still staring at Cas, he just couldn't help it. Even with his rather limited experience, he was sure they had a moment there just now before Cas looked away. He couldn't really focus on anything other than the man next to him, his heart beating out it s own frantic rhythm. Dean felt simultaneously hot and cold as he felt the inevitable gravitational pull towards the man again. He licked his lips nervously as he studied that beautiful face, the one he knew so well by now. Dean's eyes inevitably came to rest on Cas' slightly parted lips. He looked so peaceful there listening to the music, and Dean made up his mind.
Cas must have seen the intent in his eyes. Dean was certain it must have been pretty obvious. He must have noticed how he'd brought his face closer until his nose was almost rested against Cas' stubbled cheek, breath ghosting against the man's skin. Most importantly, he hadn't moved away, hadn't told Dean to stop or to leave. Dean's tongue flicked over his bottom lip again, wanting so bad to just close the last bit of distance that separated them. He was desperate to know what those plump lips tasted and felt like. With the newfound knowledge that Cas wasn't averse to male attention, combined with juvenile exuberance he did just that a heartbeat later. Dean's lips gently connected with Cas'. It was more a simple brush than an actual kiss but Dean couldn't hold back a moan as pulled back, studying Cas' face for a reaction with wide, uncertain but hopeful eyes.
Almost immediately man's eyes flew open, staring at Dean, his Adam's apple bobbing frantically as he swallowed in quick succession. Dean held his gaze, anxiously worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, waiting. For what he wasn't even sure himself. Just for some kind of response. When there was no further reaction from his friend, other than the piercing gaze, Dean took all the courage he still had left and leaned in again, pressing his lips more firmly against Cas', keeping his eyes on the man, going cross-eyed in the process. The blue eyes, that a second ago were meeting his own were now closed again and Dean's stomach fluttered with excitement when he heard an almost inaudible whimper escape Castiel as his lips responded, moving gently against his own. The teenager let his eyes flutter close and brought up a hand, stroking at the man's stubbled' jaw, relaxing into the kiss, when suddenly, nothing-
Dean's opened in eyes, Cas was still there, leaning back against the couch, chest heaving, hands curled into fists at his side. But he had his eyes closed, not warranting Dean with any attention. Dean's heart clenched uneasily, he was sure Cas had kissed him back just then. For a moment it had been perfect. Now he didn't know what to do, whether to persist or wait. What were the rules in these circumstances?
Cas refused to open his eyes. His heart was hammering so hard he thought it might jump out of his chest. He could only hope that this was more from panic than from actual stimulation because of what had just happened. He had thought about a lot of things with regards to Dean but he had not seen this coming. Should he have seen this coming? Was there something he had missed along the way or was he already infecting and confusing Dean with his own twisted desires with regards to men? He should have never said anything.
Cas didn't know what to do or what to say. His body was wound tight, stomach churning and mind trying to catch up to what had just happened, while he could feel the nails of his fingers digging into the palm of his hands. Dean had kissed him, twice! And rather than putting a stop to it straight away he had allowed the second kiss and just for a second, before realization kicked in about who, and more importantly how old the person currently kissing him was, Castiel had allowed himself to kiss back. It was so damn easy to forget how old Dean was sometimes, the way he acted and talked way beyond his physical years. But Dean clearly must have confused friendship with attraction, their closeness with something more.
Cas knew he was a home wrecker and wasn't quite at ease yet with his sexual identity. One thing he definitely didn't need to add to his list of regrets was being a predator. He was not that kind of person. Of course he shared a deep emotional bond with the boy next to him; he had known that for a while, possibly it was even some kind of love, as for a friend. Maybe, if Cas was being totally honest, he even felt more for Dean that would be strictly acceptable. But still, it wasn't like that.
Perhaps if he just kept his eyes closed he could pretend this didn't just happen, but even like this he could feel Dean's questioning glance on him. And a wave of horror washed over him, making him come out in a cold sweat. Oh my god. Dean had just kissed him! The second time realization hit, he freaked. Cas basically leapt to his feet and tugged his hand out of Dean's grasp (and when the hell had that happened?).
"I think I will have a drink. Would you care for one too?" And with that Castiel was out the door, heading downstairs to the kitchen. Not talking about this seemed like the most viable, like the only option. Because if he didn't acknowledge it, it didn't happen, right? There was literally nothing to talk about.
Yet, his hands were trembling as he filled the kettle, pulled out the coffee beans and the grinder. He did so methodically, like he had done so many times before, trying to let the action ground him. It helped him to focus. Beans, grinder, boil water, put ground coffee in cafetiere, pour water on top. His hands were still shaky and he spilled some of the hot water over his left hand.
"Fuck!" The uncharacteristic curse word escaped him as he headed for the sink and poured cold water over his hand. He was too distracted to notice that Dean had entered the kitchen, and on seeing Cas' hand walked straight up to him taking the hand in his own to look at it. He flinched at the contact and didn't look at Dean. It was just scalded so the boy put Cas' hand back under the cold stream but not letting go of it.
"Cas" his voice wavered. He had sat in that damn study for almost 5 minutes, before he found the courage to follow the man down the stairs. He was at a loss and was fighting not to freak out about the possibility that he might have just ruined whatever they had between them.
Cas met him with silence, not even looking at him and Dean choked back a nervous groan. He needed Cas to talk to him. Tell him they were ok still, that he hadn't screwed them and their friendship up. Cas just stared at their joined hands.
"Cas, talk to me please." Dean begged, clutching to his hand.
Cas shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about."
"I kissed you, and you- kissed back!" Dean reminded him, feeling rage starting to build. How could Cas just ignore that? It had been amazing. Not something you just forgot. He just wanted some damn answers.
"I said, there is nothing to talk about," Cas snapped, pulling his hand away, not paying the sting of the burn any attention.
"Yes there is! Don't treat me like a stupid child," Dean yelled, pulling Cas by the shoulders, so he had to look at him, surprised how easily the man let himself be moved.
"But Dean- that is exactly what you are." Cas said with a strained voice, saddened eyes finally meeting Dean's furious ones.
"I'm no fucking child! I haven't been a child in a long time. I basically take care of my brother all by myself. I make sure food's on the table. I clear up after my dad's messes." Dean stopped shocked. He had shared way more than he ever intended to about his messed up family life. Cas stared at him wide eyed.
"I can take care of myself and I can make my own decisions. And I know I wanted to kiss you! Don't you dare call me a child."
Cas flinched at the harshness in Dean's voice but he also saw the hurt in the boys' eyes and he had a feeling it wasn't just from Cas' carelessly chosen words.
"I'm sorry," he rasped. He had never heard Dean talk about his life like that. He knew it was tough but he was basically running his family. That was hard for any teenager and someone not as strong as Dean might have broken under the pressure already. Cas closed in on Dean, wanting to pull him in for a comforting hug like they had so many times before, not really thinking about what signals that might send to the boy, but Dean pushed him away.
"Don't, just don't! I don't need your pity. I thought we were friends; that you understood me, but clearly I was wrong." Dean yelled before he turned and stormed out. Cas cringed when he heard the front door bang shut. What on earth had just happened here? When did it all start to go so horribly wrong?
#
Dean stormed back over to his house and marched straight up to his room, ignoring Sammy's 'how did it go' thrown at him from the living room. His life fucking sucked. He had no idea who or what he was mad at the most. Him being so stupid and to kiss Cas. Cas pushing him away and calling him a child or just feeling so alone and rejected. He didn't want to cry, he tried to hold it together but the feelings just kept on coming. He had never felt so small in his life. He'd thought Cas was his friend, thought he was the one person who really got him. He always treated him like an equal not some stupid child. But now, Dean just didn't know anymore. Of course he felt rejected but there was more, he felt like he just ruined everything, not just for him but for Sammy too. And worst of all he felt like some stupid spoilt brat who threw a tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted. Just like the kid he had so hard protested he wasn't anymore.
He buried his head in his pillow and allowed the tears to come. He just hoped he would be all cried out by the time Sammy would come upstairs. There weren't enough words in the world trying to explain this mess to his brother.
His phone vibrating in his pocket was what eventually drew him out of crying fit. He used his sleeve to furiously wipe at his eyes before fishing it out. It was Cas. Dean's hand trembled.
- Apologies for calling you a child. I know you are more mature than your age would have you, but compared to me you are in fact a child, a minor, with ALL that entails. Also I do consider you my friend and hope despite, you know, our misunderstanding we can remain friends -
Dean gulped. Part relieved that he didn't mess things up completely with Cas and part furious because misunderstanding? What was there to misunderstand? He liked Cas and was sure Cas liked him back as fucking girlish as that sounded. Ok, with hindsight the timing for such as confession had been totally off but that didn't change the facts. Cas had kissed him back!
Dean flung the phone across the room. Misunderstanding! Was that Cas' way of letting him down gently? Dean knew rejection when it stared him in the face and it stung like hell. Still, Cas wanted to remain friends and maybe that was the best he could hope for. Of course that was all he could ever hope for! He had been stupid to believe anything else. Cas would find some amazing guy, get gay married and live happily ever after, while Dean would stay stuck here forever, working some deadbeat job, making sure his brother was ok and if he was lucky find someone who'd have him despite really being good for nothing.
God, he really was all over the place. He hated not feeling in control. He needed to change that. Focus on other things. Like the awesome, very pretty and hot girlfriend he had (who he shamefully had neglected over the holidays), and the fact that he still needed to get Phil back for messing with Sammy. And making sure the electricity got paid and the fridge was stocked. And be the best son possible so their dad would not feel the need to hit the bottle again. Yeah, he had his work carved out, there would be no time pining over a dark haired, blue eyed nutty professor. He would text him back tomorrow; right now he wouldn't even know what to say. He just wanted to sleep and forget today ever happened.