A/N: Hi everyone, again sorry that this took slightly longer than I had hoped for but finally I am happy with the chapter. And I just feel I have to say that all the tags are there for a reason, in this case mention of Cas/OC. Can you tell I'm nervous for giving you this chapter. Hope you enjoy it anyway :)

"What about the green one?" Castiel held up a big woolly turtle necked jumper, waving it in the general direction where he assumed Sammy to be.

The boy's head popped out from between a rack of clothes, eyeing the jumper with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

Cas promptly folded the jumper and put it back on top of the stack with all the others. "You know you can tell me when you do not like something." He chuckled. "I know my taste might not appropriately reflect the taste of a ten - oh sorry - eleven year old."

Sam's chest puffed up proudly at the mention of his age. Eleven, he liked the sound of that. It made him feel all grown up.

Castiel had taken him shopping for his birthday, said Sam could choose whatever he wanted (within reason). But Sam was not fooled. He knew that really this was a covert operation of getting him some new clothes without making him feel like a charity case. The weather had turned cold early this year, and October was mainly just a stream of bleak and rainy days, with the occasional storm thrown in the mix. And truth be told, Sam knew he could do with a few new warm, and more importantly fitting, clothes and had accepted his 'present' eagerly.

There was only so many ribbings one could take at school over the length (or lack thereof) of ones jeans, but Sam would be damned before he asked his dad for money for clothing. If he would be doing his job as father at least half heartedly, he should have picked up himself on the state of his son's wardrobe. As it was Cas seemed to know more about his needs than his DNA donor, and while out shopping on more than one occasion people had mistaken him for Castiel's son. Something that made Sammy feel all gooey inside. It was like he could pretend for a while to be a normal kid with a dad who actually cared. His own father's half-hearted attempts to fill the space Dean left behind had lasted but a few weeks and even then it had been with varying degrees of success. Sam had only realized then how much his older brother actually did cover for their dad's lack of involvement, and really he should have not been Dean's responsibility like that.

As time went on, things deteriorated even more. 'Work' (John got fired and eventually acquired a new job, a few weeks Sam would rather forget) was taking up much of his dad's time. Also Sam was not naive enough not to know that a fair amount of evenings were spent at some bar somewhere, parting with money that would be much needed for paying the bills. However, unlike Dean he was tired of making excuses for his old man and there had been more than one shouting match as Sam called his old man out, which generally ended up with him getting grounded but nothing improving otherwise. So eventually, he decided to just suck it up.

On top of that there was a new woman. Audrey was a thing of the past. Now it was Mandy, and she was muscling her way into the Winchester household, trying to buy Sammy's affection with cookies and sweet talking and Sunday dinners which his dad insisted he attended. The younger brother could well imagine what Dean would make of this new development. Some days he just couldn't stand being in his own house and as a result spent more time at Cas' these days than at home. Cas even presented him with a key so he could let himself in whenever he needed somewhere warm to stay or just wanted a quiet and warm place to do his homework.

He generally didn't bother to turn up at his own doorstep after school any longer but headed straight for Castiel's place, only going home when he knew he would get into trouble otherwise. Despite, not generally caring too much about his whereabouts, his dad still kept a close eye on his bedtime routine, almost with military precision, quoting a growing kid needed his sleep. Like that would make up for the lack of nutritious food or electricity in the house, or his distinct disinterest in Sam's school work. But no it was all barking orders or nothing.

Sam shook his head, he would not let his mood be dragged down by the gloomy ethereal presence of his dad. The day so far had been pretty near perfect, the only thing missing was his older jerk of a brother, but Sam had had enough time to accept the fact that it would be a good few months more before he would see him again, and like it or not, life had a way of just continuing. And today was his birthday, and Dean had been allowed a phone call from Riverside Springs to congratulate him. It had been the first time in almost four months that they had spoken. Apparently this camp operated on a strictly no contact with family in the first phase of their rehabilitation program.

Dean had sounded so different, voice rougher around the edges and spent most of the time telling him how he joined the basketball team at his new school and was actually rather good at it, and how Sammy totally needed to come and see him play. Sam hadn't liked the sound of that, like Dean was expecting to stay there for good but then his older brother had assured him that he would get out of there soon, that he was playing by all their rules and that Bobby was checking in regularly and Sam's mind was put at ease. Dean hadn't forgotten about him.

Cas smiled at the boy, holding up another jumper, this one a dark blue one with a v-neck and it looked rather cozy and the color was not abhorrent. Sammy nodded his head and gave Cas a thumb's up, watching the man add the jumper to the growing pile of clothes. Shopping bags from their earlier trip to the electronics store rested against his feet. There were some games in there and a cell phone. Nothing too fancy but Cas had insisted he get one so he could stay in contact with people. The 'should you need to get hold of me in a hurry' was implied. Sammy relished the gesture though, and couldn't wait to get home to unpack it all.

First they would meet up with Amelia though to go to the cinema and Sam couldn't remember ever getting this spoiled on his birthday.

"Ok, I think this should do," Cas eyed the pile in his arm, two pairs of jeans, two shirts, a jumper and some warm socks, that should see Sammy through the worst of the weather for now. Although the jacket he was currently wearing looked very snug on him. Maybe he could get him a proper coat as an early Christmas present at some point, although Sammy wasn't quite as averse to accepting help as Dean so he might get away with just buying him one soon.

Just then Sammy appeared with another t-shirt in his arm.

"Look, this is totally awesome." It was a plain black t-shirt with a big print of a pumpkin with a big black 'pie' symbol in its middle.

Cas couldn't hide his smirk, thoughts briefly flashing to Dean and his like of the sweet pastry. He was sure Sammy' brother would approve of the shirt and on top of that would tease him relentlessly about it. Cas already knew he would not be able to say no. Apparently he still had not improved on raising his resistance level to the younger Winchester's puppy eyes and sheer juvenile enthusiasm.

"It is very fitting." He stated and took the shirt out of the boy's hand. He needed to go and pay fast before Sammy discovered any more 'awesome' shirts. This day's activities would put a serious dent in his wallet as it was, but he knew how to survive on Ramen noodles and toast for a few weeks. Who ever said student life didn't teach you some valuable life skills. Sammy needed clothes more than he needed his fruit and veg and Cas would rather buy them for him than confront his father about his lack in parental duties. Call him a coward but this way was far more productive and less likely to cause a big scene. It wasn't like he held out much hope for money to be had from the old Winchester anyway. He was well aware that it had mainly been Dean who kept a reign on whatever household money was available. He did not really expect Sam to be able to do the same at his young age. Then again, he knew that Dean pretty much held what was left of his family together since his mother died and he couldn't have been older than 10 at the time.

Cas felt a pang of regret and anger at that, knowing there was nothing he could do to change the past and right now there was not even much he could do for the boy in the present. And now he couldn't stop thinking about Dean. All he knew via Bobby was that his young friend was well and after struggling the first few weeks seemed to have turned a corner and settled into his new temporary home. He had not expected for the older man to keep him informed, but it was gratefully received. He missed the teenager, of course he did. At the same time he undeniably needed this time apart to clear his head, to think and to pull himself back together. It had taken him weeks to not feel paranoid after that night. He felt like everyone who looked at him knew, judged him quietly and more than once he had woken up in the middle of the night, sweating, heart racing and convinced the police would burst through his front door at any second, arresting him like the perverted molester that he was.

It had taken some time, but eventually he was able to make peace with himself, he could not change the past and had to move on, reframe Dean in his mind as just a boy, a friend and nothing more. It seemed to work, he didn't miss Dean's presence quite as much anymore. No that was a lie, he did miss the boy, his company, the way he smiled so genuinely and could make him smile in return and have him come out of his shell. But he didn't miss the confusing emotions that came along with it. Now with the time apart he was able to rationalize, talk himself down from the brink of any unhealthy feelings. He had chosen that instead of missing Dean he would focus on keeping his promise of looking out for his little brother and work on his own issues.

"Here, all yours," Cas said once he paid, thanking the very nice and polite sales assistant, who seemed to be swooning over Sammy. He handed the bags of clothing over for the boy to carry.

"Thanks Cas." Sam beamed and felt like a million dollars carrying the variety of bags back to the car.

Amelia was already waiting for them at the cinema, tickets and popcorn in hand. She engulfed Sammy in a big hug and the boy let himself sink into it. Now here was someone he wouldn't mind to have as a step mom, although her and his dad, yuck, just no, that would be so wrong! Sam looked at them both and smiled. He still felt sad at times that these two had to break up although he understood the reasons, at least he thought he did. He had no idea why, not that it was spoken about at great length at home or at school, but he firmly believed that people just were who they were and lying about stuff generally just made everything worse. So Cas liked dudes and that was the end of it. At least he and Amelia remained good friends and still cared for him.

The film was awesome, Sam was high on coke and sweets when they finally arrived back home. He saw the light was on across the street in his house but as it wasn't his time to be expected curled up in bed yet, he ignored it, instead following Cas inside and spending the next hour going through his stuff, and setting up his new phone. He took a picture of Cas (it took him five tries to get one where Cas looked at least remotely like he was smiling and not just bearing his teeth) and added him to his contacts.

Sam was still buzzing when he finally crawled into bed, after a tense 'where have you been boy' from his dad. But even that could not spoil his mood. He had such a great day he couldn't wait to tell Dean all about it. In lieu of any telephone contact, Sam had started to keep a diary, telling his brother about things that were going on in his life. Maybe he would actually let him read it when he'd get back.

#

'hi'

'hello Sam'

'this thing is fun'

'I am glad you are enjoying it'

':-)'

Castiel was just about to put the phone away when if vibrated again.

'heellooo'

He rolled his eyes, smiling affectionately, Sammy sure enjoyed his new toy. But Cas did not really have time for idle texting as he was about to head to his next lecture and put the phone in his pocket. He felt the phone buzz a few more times while he tried to outline the benefits of actual revision to the student body in front of him.

Now that he was a fully qualified and certified Ph.D he was able to pick up a few more hours teaching every week, which is bank account was grateful for. But really he was biding his time until he could put his name into the hat for the tenure that he knew would become available at the end of the next academic year. In the meantime it was a lot of groundwork, sucking up to the right people, bending over backwards for the current professor who would no doubt have some input in his successor, and generally keeping a high profile. His final work had been well received and got him some recognition in the field but this 'people' business was really not for him. He had come a long way since his awkward beginnings but being sociable just was not his natural default. To put it plainly it was damn hard work.

Later that day he sank into the softness of his couch, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand just like he loved it. His head was spinning from too many people asking too many questions and he enjoyed the silence, closing his eyes. The buzzing of his phone pulled him out of his blissful state of daydreaming and Cas internally cursed himself for not having taken it out of his pocket. But now that he knew he had a text he also remembered the earlier messages he hadn't read yet, and suddenly the phone was burning a hole in his trousers. He fished it out to check. Five missed messages from Sammy, the last one sent just now. He chuckled around a mouthful of coffee, maybe getting the boy a cell phone would come back to bite him in the proverbial.

'call me'

'CAAAAS'

'please, I want 2 chek out my new ringtone'

'hi'

'oh poop'

Castiel snorted the coffee up his nose, damn that burned. He contemplated whether to ring him back or let him steam for a bit longer. Checking the time he decided to wait, Sammy should be back from school soon and no doubt would give Cas the exclusive and extended experience of all the new noises he had to have his phone make.

#

Dean's leg seemed to have developed a life of its own, bouncing up and down restlessly while he had to endure yet another circle time. It was really all he could do to not just run out of here or throttle that happy clappy annoying group leader. If he had to sit through many more of these positive affirmation crap groups he would find a bridge and throw himself off it. Yet outwardly he was smiling and nodding his head. All part of the game for his ticket out of here. Because despite having grown to like certain aspects of his stay here (some of the guys were rather cool) and to his surprise finding that he actually quite enjoyed team sports and was doing rather well at his new school, his real focus only ever remained on returning back home as soon as he could. His younger brother never far from his mind.

Sometimes he still couldn't believe he ended up here. What were they even thinking sending him to a place like this? And 'here' was a place that Jody had considered good enough for him to be shipped off to. His body gave an involuntary shudder at the thought what the other places must be like. Because if they had believed him to be corrupted and a threat to society before coming here, he could tell them a thing or two about getting corrupted. He had learned more about illegal activities in the five months here than he'd ever thought possible.

Some of these kids were seriously disturbed and even scared him. Robbery, drugs, causing bodily harm and hustling just to mention a few. He kept away from the really rough guys mainly for reasons of self preservation. Some of his fellow 'in-mates', despite only being 16 or 17, were built like tree trunks and not to be messed with. But the rest of them weren't half bad. Thanks to his new friends he got pretty good at poker and picked up a few new tricks like immobilizing a person should the need arise and even an introduction to pick-pocketing. Dean's finger were getting more nimble at extracting things out of other people's pockets. It was mainly a game they played during their down time, so no real harm done. He also started to smoke the odd cigarette. Again, it was something to do on a Saturday night after light's out when the leaders finally stopped monitoring their every move and a rather passive aggressive way of flipping them the bird without a too high chance of getting caught and being forced to 'talk it out'.

Right now he was on his best behavior because he really, really wanted to be allowed home for Christmas, or at the very least have his brother be allowed to visit him down here. He'd much prefer to go home, if possible for good, because what good was seeing Sammy only to leave him again. He knew very little of what was actually going on back home thanks to this stupid 'no contact' rule, but at least these days he was allowed a short phone call every week. Not that Sammy told him much about how things really were, but he gleaned that he spent a fair amount of time at Cas' place and his mind had no problems putting one and one together and arriving at the conclusion of their dad not stepping up to the plate.

And Cas- right there was another reason why he wanted, needed to go home. The sheer physical and mental pain of being so far removed from the man had faded but he still missed him. On top of that he had no idea where they stood and it had been driving him mad for the first few weeks. He eventually had accepted that there was no point of worrying about it and had gotten back to his well-established routine of trying to ignore his feelings for the man, or more to the point, ignore feelings at large. What good would feelings do him in a place like this? If anything they made you look weak. There was literally nothing he could change and too many emotions only dragged him down. So he neatly shut this part of himself down, finding new, sometimes rather exciting, ways of distraction.

Apparently he wasn't half bad looking and when at school or out and about started to receive rather a lot of attention and he started to roll with it, use it to his advantage. His looks and smile had gotten him more than a few freebees and favors from waitresses and store clerks. He wasn't looking for anything serious of course, mainly flirting, being as he was planning on getting out of here as soon as possible but the attention was pleasurable and made him feel good, a feeling he was in desperate need of more of.

He even had his first real sexual encounter of sorts. A memory that still made him flush and his blood rush down south. Having someone's mouth on your dick was the best possible feeling in the world he had decided that evening, when the leaders had taken the group out for dinner. A waitress, who had taken a liking to him, took him out back and offered to 'blow' him because he was 'cute'. And damn, he'd just wanted to know what that felt like and yeah, he barely lasted three minutes and was rather ashamed of that fact but she just smiled, tucked him back in and gave him a messy kiss with his cum still on her lips.

The buzz had lasted about half an hour before he had felt empty, even as he was surrounded by about fifteen people. There were no warm arms that engulfed him or fingers carding through his hair and with his guard down he had allowed himself to miss Cas for the first time in weeks, flashing back to the night where he'd lied curled up next to the dark haired man, remembering what that felt like. Luckily by the next day he had himself back together again, no schmoopy feelings dragging him down, and might have actually bragged a bit to his friends about that waitress. Of course they pulled his leg about him making it up but high-fived him regardless.

Now with mid-terms out of the way, his main focus purely lied on finding a way of convincing these goddamn counselors and leaders that he was a fully rehabilitated member of society so they would let him go home.

#

"Damn, boy, would ya keep still for just one minute. I can feel you vibrating out of your skin from all the way over here, which is impressive as we're - in a moving car ya know!"

"Sorry Bobby, just I'm so excited. I can't wait to see his face."

"Still don't know why you insisted on coming up a day early and not tell your brother but I'm sure you got your reasons."

"Told you, I just want to see the look on his face. God, I really can't wait."

Bobby just shook his head and Jody chuckled in the seat next to him. "As long as you don't make this car take off with the way your leg is going." Bobby rolled his eyes in the rear-view mirror.

Damn, Dean might have picked up a proper tick from his time at camp. He concentrated very hard for the rest of the journey on not moving his legs, and ended up having the mother of all cramps when they eventually arrived and he had to get out of the back of Bobby's old pickup.

Bobby and Jody got out the front and equally stretched their legs. They had made it here in good time, going without a stop over as they shared the drive. Luckily the weather hadn't been too bad for December. Dean still couldn't believe it, he was out of that hell hole for now. He stared at his house, then down the street and finally came to rest at the all to familiar house across the street, seeing the light on in several rooms. He really was home. Not that it was thanks to his dad. If it were up to him he would have spent the rest of the academic school year at Riverside Springs. Thankfully Bobby convinced him that he had learned his lesson and was ready to go back, and the counselors, thank god, agreed. The old man spent a good few afternoons talking to him, pointing out that he had no trouble driving up here to kick Dean's ass himself if need be. But it was said with so much hidden affection that he couldn't really be mad at the old gruff. At least Bobby cared.

Dean made the short walk to his door and knocked, having had to leave his key behind. It made him feel weird, like a stranger, like he didn't belong. There were no lights on inside and no one came to answer the door. Dean's next guess would be that his brother was at Cas'. Where his dad was he didn't know nor particularly cared for, although he had to admit that a small part of him, a part that still remembered the man that used to take him out to play football and buy ice-cream, had missed him.

He gave Bobby and Jody a quick wave with a mouthed 'no one in' and pointed in the direction of Cas' house before he made his way over. His heart was pounding faster and faster in his chest, his stomach suddenly twisting itself in knots. He had not really let himself think about the moment when he would see Cas again. It had been a long eight months. Now it was suddenly imminent and Dean felt a whole bag of mixed emotions coming to the surface. Damn he had been so good at keeping this stuff down. But suddenly he was goddamn nervous about seeing the man again, felt excited but also hesitant.

He knocked on the door and waited, putting his best practiced grin on and kept his fingers crossed that it would be Sammy opening the door. He still wanted to see the look of surprise on his brother's face.

The door opened after a moment and a man Dean had never seen before was staring at him.

"Can I help you?"

"Who the hell are you?" Dean burst out before he could control the words. The man just raised an eyebrow.

"I could ask you the same thing." He sounded amused.

"DEEEEEAN!" Before Dean could process, he had an armful of brother, literally climbing him as he hugged him tight. Dean chuckled as his own arms wrapped around Sammy, lifting him off the ground.

"God, you put on some weight." He laughed.

"What you're doing here? I thought you wouldn't be here before tomorrow?"

"Yeah, well- that look right there" Dean pointed to Sammy's confused face. "totally worth it."

"Jerk," Sammy giggled, giving his big brother an affectionate shove.

The man in the door cleared his throat, looking between Dean and Sam.

"Oh Alan, this is Dean my idiot brother. Wasn't expecting him until tomorrow as you might know. Dean this is Alan, a friend of Cas'."

"Hi" Dean said, eyeing the man suspiciously. He looked nice enough but still Dean was unnerved.

"Speaking of-" he tore his gaze from the man, "where's Cas?"

"Upstairs in his study, drawing up his lecture plans or something." Sammy provided and Dean didn't wait for anyone to invite him in but pushed past Alan and headed straight up the stairs. Now that he was here he couldn't wait. Memories flooding every sense of his body. The house had that familiar smell about it. Something Dean hadn't even noticed until right now. His heart was beating double by the time he made it to the door, which was shut. Dean debated for a moment whether to just charge in or knock first. Damn, his hands were clammy and he nervously wiped them against his jeans. He honestly had tried not to think too much about this moment. What would it be like to see Cas again? Would he still invoke the same myriad of feelings as before?

That question was swiftly answered when he opened the door, after a brief knock to announce his presence. There was Cas, like he remembered him, perched over the desk, wearing his glasses, pen in hand, and staring at him in complete shock, and Dean couldn't breathe, yet his face sported the biggest grin possible.

"Dean?" Cas had trouble believing his eyes. He had not expected the boy until tomorrow.

"Hi" Dean replied almost sounding shy, standing in the door just taking in all of Cas. God he looked so good. His mouth framed by the usual scruff and those blue eyes just as piercing as he remembered.

"It's - ah, hi." Cas stammered as his eyes raked over Dean. Eight months. It had been so long since he last set eyes on the boy. And damn, Dean must have had a growth spurt or something. He had always been on the pretty side but now, Cas couldn't tear his gaze away. His face has definitely matured, the features starting to resemble that of a man, and he has filled out a bit, probably due to the basketball. His eyes still were that familiar and bright shade of green. Cas had to swallow hard. Damn, he was completely frozen, even as he got up off the chair and trance-like walked towards the boy, coming to a stop just before him. Dean also had grown, Cas couldn't help but notice, almost standing as tall as him now.

Dean was sure he was going to implode any second now. He had obviously been kidding himself into thinking his feelings for Cas were in any way or form lessened. They just had been dormant, subdued by their physical separation. He didn't know what to say and Cas still looked at him like he had seen a ghost.

"Cas, god I missed you." Dean exclaimed and grinned before without any further warning surged forward, grabbing the man's head and sealing his lips confidently over Cas' own. If he had learned one thing while away, it was how to kiss.

Cas jumped at the contact. Really, he shouldn't be surprised, Dean had that look on his face just before he closed the distance. On instinct Cas' hands came up and wrapped around the boy as he felt Dean's tongue probing at the seam of his lips. His body shuddered as he let out a low moan and opened his mouth, meeting Dean's tongue with his own. The boy kissed him almost aggressively and Cas' head was spinning, as he tried to keep up with the ferocity of the kiss.

"Bobby, Jody!" Sammy's voice drifted up from downstairs and pulled Cas out of his stupor. He pulled away from Dean with a gasp and put his hands on the boy's chest to gain some distance. There were people downstairs. Bobby of all people, who had so much trust in Cas, and Alan, oh god, what was he doing?

"Dean, please." Cas whimpered, looking imploringly at the beautiful teenager in front of him. This was not happening, not again. He had believed he had gotten over his little unhealthy infatuation. Yet it only took less than a minute before he gave in.

Cas, what-?" Dean had trouble catching up to why they were not kissing anymore. Something he didn't very much agree with by the way. Cas pressed against him, kissing him, was what he had missed and he intended to rectify the lack thereof immediately by leaning in again, grabbing Cas round the waist to pull him in again.

"Dean, stop," Cas begged, trying to sound a bit more forceful while still keeping his voice low. His head was reeling, Dean was too close.

"Cas, why? I missed you." Dean's eyes searched Castiel's, confusing written over his face.

"Oh god," Cas groaned. "I, we-" He was shaking by now, from the sudden onslaught of emotions.

"Cas, you have no idea, damn-" Dean buried his hands in Cas' shirt, pulling him in again and just for a second it appeared that Cas was letting him. He felt pliant against Dean's body, head resting on his shoulder, his breath coming out in short sharp gasps. Low murmurs were still being heard from downstairs, as Castiel tried to pull himself together, tried to think of the right words to explain himself.

"Cas," Dean whispered against his ear and Cas could feel the warm exhale against his skin, making him come out in Goosebumps, and then Dean started to nibble along his neck and jaw.

"God I missed you so much, I, Cas I want to-" Dean mumbled between little nips.

And for a second Cas was tempted to just say 'screw it all'. To possibly throw everything away for this one moment. It felt so good to have Dean here with him. But just as quick as the feeling appeared it was replaced by a cold hand of dread snaking up his spine as reality came crushing over him. "Dean no, we can't." Castiel said but Dean just seemed to increase the intensity of his administration. With a superhuman effort, because he'd be damned but it felt so good, Cas finally managed to pull himself away and out of the boys' arms. Panting, he stared at Dean. "Dean, if you care for me at all, like I know you do, then please, you have to stop!"

"Why? Didn't you miss me at all?" Dean said, challenging, the confusion evident in his voice.

"Of course I did," Cas conceded although maybe he should just lie and tell him 'no, he did not', just to make this go easier, but he just couldn't.

"Then where's the problem." he asked, voice slightly sharper than he had intended. He had not anticipated to get rebuffed like this, not now that he had Cas here with him like that.

Cas swallowed and ran his hands through his hair. "The problem- has and always will be your age." Cas gritted out after a moment, and already felt like he had revealed too much. That Dean could sense the between the lines meaning of 'otherwise I would be all over you by now', and that sent Cas into another spiral of panic. It wasn't only about Dean and his age any longer. He was not allowed to have these feelings for another person right now, not since... This would hurt.

"Dean, if nothing else we can't do this because I'm actually in a relationship."

"What?" Dean's suddenly too highly pitched voice shot back.

"I'm-" He was what, Cas thought. 'Sorry'? Sorry about what? About the fact that he and Dean could not be? That he had finally had the guts to address his personal issues and felt comfortable enough to date? That he still felt bad for letting what had happened happen all those months ago. That he felt he had taken advantage of Dean and led him on and then not having a chance to explain? There was so much they needed to talk about, and Cas had not wanted for Dean to find out like this.

"Oh god, its this Alan dude, isn't it?" Dean looked at Cas wide eyed. "God, I was so stupid, of course, why else would he be here on a Saturday evening?" He suddenly felt hot and cold and like he was going to throw up and on top of it all an extreme sense of embarrassment for just having pushed himself on Cas like that, thinking somehow time had stood still, that nothing had changed. How stupid could he be.

"Dean, maybe we can talk-" Cas didn't get to finish his sentence as Dean turned and raced out the room. Cas heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, and then the happy squeals of Sammy as he addressed his brother again.

Dean had just wanted to run out of here, he wasn't really thinking. He was just so pissed and upset and embarrassed and god, so fucking jealous he felt sick. But then there was Sammy and he looked so happy to see him that Dean instantly deflated and swept him up in his arms, giving him another twirl. Bobby and Jody were sat in the living room talking to this Alan. Dean hadn't even exchanged two words with the guy but already he hated him. Hated that he got what Dean wanted. That he had the fucking right age and the fucking right job and the fucking right everything.

Of course he had expected this to happen sooner or later but still, it hurt. And now Dean might have to sit through a whole evening with them, as he just overheard Alan inviting them to stay for dinner. Fucking great. Now he had to try and smile while this guy was getting all handsy with Cas and, no, he had to stop this train of thought. He was here and Sammy was here and he would just need to find a way to cut Cas right out of his heart. He decided there and then that a good a place as any to start was at pushing all his stupid emotions right back down where they belonged.

#

It was late by the time people left. John Winchester had knocked on the door in search of everyone, having spotted the truck in his drive. He gave Dean an awkward pat on the back along with a "welcome back boy," before greeting Jody and Bobby in a slightly friendlier fashion. He didn't pay Cas much attention but he had gotten used to it. It wasn't like John was one of his favorite people either.

Alan was in the kitchen cleaning up the last of the dishes while Cas said good-bye to everyone. Dinner, all things considered, had gone better than he had expected. Mainly due to Sammy's infectious good mood, Cas guessed. Because while he could feel that Dean was pissed, being rather short and abrupt, especially with Alan, Sammy always managed to lift his mood with stories of all the stuff he did while Dean had been away.

Dean had said a very brief good-bye to Cas, and evidently couldn't wait to get out of the house. Not that Cas could blame him. He knew he handled the whole situation very bad. If only Dean had arrived when he said he would, Cas would have been prepared then, would not have let Dean catch him like that. They could have sat down somewhere and talked it over. Of course, deep down Cas had always hoped that there would be nothing left to talk over. Eight months were a long time and he had always hoped Dean might have found someone else, fallen in love while he was away. And he had believed himself to be over it.

He had managed to get his life back on track, after the divorce and everything. He was finally comfortable with himself. Of course, he still had bad days but who didn't, and when Alan had asked him out, he had felt ready to explore the concept of dating another man. And he really liked Alan. He could not let all this come crashing down on him again. And for what? At best, some secret fling that would wear itself out soon enough when Dean grew tired of him and found someone his own age, or at worst with him ending up in prison, being labeled a child molester, basically throwing the rest of his life away. Cold panic, the degree of which he hadn't felt in a long time gripped him with renewed fervor. In a moment he had made up his mind.

"Hey you," Cas said as he sauntered back into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around the other man from behind.

"Hey," he turned his head, smiling affectionately at Cas.

"So, you know, I- we should, do you want to stay the night?" Cas said, placing a small kiss on Alan's cheek. They had been going out coming up to three months but as per Cas' request had taken things day by day and very slow. Cas still had trouble showing this side of him to the world at large and at times even in his own home. He had wanted to keep a low profile about their budding relationship while he figured this out and Alan had been nothing but understanding. This possibly might explain the raised eyebrows and slightly shocked expression on his partner's face.

"You sure?"

"Yes," Cas tried to give a smile that passed as confident, although he was feeling like he was about to faint.

Alan put the dishcloth down and swooped Cas up in his arms. "Whatever happened to taking things slow?" He mumbled against Cas' skin, as he placed a tender kiss there.

"I got tired of waiting I guess." Cas smiled back in return, pulling Alan in and holding on to him for dear life.

Later as Cas was pressed back against the mattress, a hot, wet mouth firmly moving up and down his cock, he tried his best not to let images and visions of green eyes and freckled skin and smooth lips pressed against his own, enter his mind. Instead he gripped Alan's hair tight and urged him on to go faster and rougher. Begged him to grip him harder around he hips, and to not hold back, hoping and praying that if he just felt enough, was taken apart all the way, it would chase away any remnant thoughts of Dean.

OMG, *hides in a corner chanting 'don't hate me, don't hate me'*. I know it's painful to read right now, believe me it was hard to write AND to leave them in this place. All I can reiterate is that there will be a happy ending but that, keeping in mind where they're at currently, it will be a long and bumpy road.