A/N: Please accept my apologies for again being a bit late in updating. I blame the world cup and the subsequent heat-wave here in the UK, which pretty much turned by brain to mush. (and some serious angsting over parts of this chapter).
This chapter will cover a few months, dealing with some of Dean and Cas' emotional baggage. Some angst and lots of feels, and they even eventually get to talk.
"Dean, you really don't need to walk me to school." Sam whined around a mouthful of scrambled eggs.
"No, I'm back now and it's high time someone takes good care of you again," and to underline the point, he shoved an extra slice of bacon on his brother's plate. He had been surprised that there actually was bacon and eggs in the fridge in the first place, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"I'm no baby anymore, I was perfectly fine walking to and from school while you were away."
Dean felt that hole in his stomach again, the one that seemingly had made itself at home over these last three weeks since he'd been back. He ignored it, like he had done the previous times. "Well, then maybe just humor me," Dean said with, what he hoped was, a convincing amount of nonchalance and a practiced grin.
"Ah, come on, I really don't need baby-sitting. Kids at school will just think it would be weird having you walk me again all of a sudden. Plus it makes your life a lot easier not having to rush around like crazy. You should be glad to have some more time to yourself."
Dean just shrugged. "Fine." He turned around to hide the solemn look on his face that despite his trying had crept up. So much had changed in the time he'd been away and he had real trouble finding his place in this new dynamic with his family and friends. This morning was not the first time he felt pretty much surplus to requirement, like he just wasn't needed any longer. Well at least Sammy still appreciated his cooking skills if the way he was shoveling his food was an indication. But other than that- apparently everybody had moved on with their lives while he had been away. Dean didn't quite know what he had expected but it was not this.
Their dad was busy with his new job and his new woman, and his general below average performance as a father aside (as he rarely was around long enough to warrant the title), he was seemingly doing his best to get his act together even working double shifts some days to bring in some extra cash. That might explain the presence of said eggs and bacon. Dean had no idea what Bobby told their old man over the holidays, but since he had been back he had not seen him drunk once. Bobby was the sort of person who could put the fear of god into anyone. Dean had received his own pep-talk by the gruff old man before he and Jody headed back home, something he was sure would be forever edged into his memory. But as for his father, he just waited for the other shoe to drop, didn't expect this to last, good things never did.
His old man trying to straighten himself out, Dean could have gotten on board with, but now his father was on the 'happy' family trip, well mainly on the keeping his woman happy trip, but it did spill over into their home life. Dean's hackles rose just at the thought of it. John even allowed this person to stay in the house while he was at work, and basically take over. Dean hated every second of her being here. No matter how much their dad insisted that a 'womanly touch' was just what 'his boys' needed. They had done just fine without a 'womanly touch' in the house. As long as Dean had money for bills and food he didn't need anyone else snooping in their business. No one could replace their mom anyway. He would have sucked it up for Sammy's sake, if he'd wanted him to, but his little brother seemed to dislike this new status quo as much as he did. That woman was just infuriating, too sweet and fake, and treated their place like it was her home, and Dean really, really loathed her.
From what he could tell, the feeling was pretty mutual. While Sammy still had the adorable kid factor in his favor, and generally got away with his snotty behavior, Dean was just too big and rowdy, on the verge of growing up, to appeal to her motherly instincts. No matter how much she smiled and 'oh sweetie'd' him when John was around, Dean just knew she didn't like him. Dean even wondered whether his father's reluctance to allow him back was due to her influence. It probably was easier to pretend to be a happy, functioning family with just a cute eleven year old around, minus the delinquent trouble maker.
But it all added up to Dean feeling like a stranger in his own house, and now he didn't even have sanctuary at Cas' any longer. Not that Cas wouldn't want him there, Dean knew him better than that. Just he generally couldn't make himself go. Especially not when that stupid blue Toyota, that must belong to Alan, was a near constant feature in his driveway these days. He could count the times he had been over there since he came back on one hand, and if it hadn't been for Sammy's incessant whining about accompanying him or the occasional' he just needed to get out of his own house right the fuck now before he would punch something', he'd probably visit even less.
Cas had tried a few times to get him alone and talk to him, but what was there left to talk about? Dean didn't need any more first hand embarrassment or making a fool of himself for laying his feelings bare. He'd brushed Cas off and if the man had looked hurt then that was just a price he had to pay. Dean didn't even know what he wanted anymore, just that he needed space.
Then there was Sammy, who seemed to have grown up so much while he was away. His brother had found his own way of dealing with life and their dad, apparently perfectly able to look after himself. The times he did need help, it appeared Cas stepped up to the plate and took care of things, even now that Dean was back. He should be grateful for this, as he had asked as much of the older man all those months back, but it was just another factor in making him feel redundant all around. Hell, Sammy seemed to spent most of his free time over at Cas' house, and had gotten into more than one argument with Dean over why he didn't want to go with him. Sammy seemed reluctant to break his new-found routine, and Dean couldn't blame him. It was an escape for him from this shitty life their dad had provided for them over these last years. It used to be his escape too but that was all screwed to hell now. The bitter feeling of his brother spending time over there, while this other person was making themselves comfortable at Cas' side, in a way taking this from Dean, was eating away at him.
And, right there was the topic Dean still had the most trouble getting his head around and generally didn't go near with a ten foot pole. Cas in a relationship. Not just some quick fling as Dean had hoped for those first few days after that afternoon. Although what would be different now if it had been, he didn't know. He knew he was being unfair, as really Cas had never made any promises, never told Dean he wanted something more than friendship. Just Dean thought after that night- but obviously he'd been wrong, stupid and naive. And it wasn't like he had been idle while he was away. With that in mind, Dean knew he actually had no right being pissed at Cas. But his flings were just that, nothing serious. Cas, on the other hand, was in a serious relationship, and it hurt. And probably the guy was a decent enough guy, didn't deserve Dean's contempt. At times, Dean hated himself for disliking Alan, for not being able to be pleased for Cas. Because, as he had to remind himself, the older man deserved to be happy but damn it, so did he and right now he felt anything but. It was all just so fucked up.
More than once Dean wished himself back to the camp. At least there he didn't have any expectation of life or people and in return knew what was expected of him.
#
Dean's first day back at school sucked big time. He was like some kind of celebrity, in the negative sense of the word. People were staring and talking behind his back. Most of his old friends stayed clear of him now that apparently the appeal of the tough guy had turned into 'the one who got into trouble with the police'. Fuck them, he didn't need them anyway, if that was their thanks for him sticking his neck out for them. He couldn't even really look forward to the basketball practice he'd had this afternoon. His other school had pulled a few strings, which allowed him to join the team without a try-out and half way through their winter season. Dean was sure that wouldn't go down too well with his fellow team-mates. He'd just have to shut them up with his performance, because he enjoyed the sport and would be damned if the one good thing he had left right now would be taken away from him.
By lunch-time Dean just about had it for the day, math sucked, and the stares got really tiresome after a few hours. He decided against the canteen and went to hide out under the bleachers instead. Not his usual digs but he was hopeful he might bump into someone he could charm into giving him a cigarette or two. He'd fully intended to stop once he got back, but now he just didn't care. More importantly it would give him something to do, a legitimate excuse, at least in his mind, why he didn't want to hang out in the canteen.
Eying a group of juniors, it didn't take Dean long to catch the eye of one of the chicks. She had long black hair and wore way too much make-up but Dean gave her his best cheeky smile regardless. After whispering something to her friends she made her way over and, to his relief, very willingly shared her stack of cigarettes with him while not so subtly checking him out. Dean leaned back against a pillar, taking a lazy drag of the cigarette and brought forward his charming persona, the one that got him more than a few favors and that he had perfected during his stay at camp. He let his own eyes rake suggestively over the girl and she smiled up at him. Yeah, she was definitely interested, and would prove a nice distraction from his current woes. It appeared like this day was finally starting to look up.
#
Some days Cas really wondered what he had been thinking, going into teaching. He slumped back into the chair in his office, his ears were ringing and he could feel the onset of a headache. The door was finally closed after a seemingly endless stream of students, wanting guidance and advice and, of course, the guy actually in charge was away at some conference somewhere and left Cas to pick up the pieces. He guessed that was just some of the perks of being the big-wig. Cas hoped he would make a better example of a professor should he ever get a tenure and not let everyone else do the work for him.
He couldn't wait to get home and put his feet up for the day. He just wanted to check his emails so he wouldn't be tempted at home, and then he could finally head out of here. Once he opened his hotmail, he wished he'd just gone straight home as at the top of the list, the name of his brother caught his eye. The subject didn't leave much room for interpretation about what this was about. "DON'T DO IT." It spelled in big capital letters.
Cas let the mouse hover for a moment, contemplating whether to just ignore the message at least for today. Gabriel had made his thoughts on the subject crystal clear already, more than once. Cas had only informed him of his decision to finally tell his parents out of courtesy, so his brother could prepare himself for the inevitable storm that was to follow. Gabriel still had his quirks but Castiel could appreciate his brother more these days, being able to see through his bullshit, and respected him for sticking with him despite them disagreeing on a few fundamental issues.
It was funny really, that after all those months of fretting and trying to square the proverbial circle, to try to become comfortable with himself and to hold on to his family, it had been the sermon Castiel had to endure during his Christmas visit, that broke the camel's back.
He had felt like an outcast for most of his stay, tolerated only because he was related to them by blood. They all made their disappointment in him very clear. A family meeting had been called on his first night back, where he was told that they were willing (haha) to move past this (the disgrace, Cas brought on this family well implied between the lines), if Cas in turn was prepared to repent for his wayward ways and go to seek out their pastor for 'guidance' and forgiveness.
Well after what he had to endure during that Sunday's sermon, there was no way in hell he would be in the same room with that man and he had told his parents as much. Something that did not go down well. Balthazar, trying to fulfill his role as oldest son and upholder of the family name, had taken him aside, basically begging him to let go of his insolence and just go, as they were all worried about his soul and he couldn't do this to their parents, who he owed so much to. Talk about guilt-tripping him.
Castiel was aware it would have been easier to give in but the man's sermon had just been so hate filled it had his blood pressure rise to dangerous levels. Another state had allowed for gay marriage to become legalized and despite it being 'the season to be jolly', the pastor had used the sermon as a non-stop rant about sin and debauchery and, worst of all, 'the big gay agenda'. Cas had just wanted to scream. He had no goddamn 'agenda'. He just wanted to be allowed to live his life and to love who the hell he wanted to.
He shuddered as he remembered how he had abandoned that particular thought very, very quickly when a certain young man had flashed before his eyes. Because if there ever would be a reason to burn in hell, it would be for allowing himself to entertain that thought any more than he already had in the past. Instead he had focused on the unfairness of how all his brothers and sister were here with their spouses while he had to hide not only his sexuality but also his partner away.
The sordid topic spilt over into family dinner time and if it hadn't been for a healthy amount of brandy and Gabriel, who valiantly had taken on the role of devil's advocate and interjected just as Castiel was ready to burst, he would have gone mad or shouted at them there and then that they had a raging homosexual as their son and that he was ok with it and that no, God did not hate him because of it, no matter what their bigoted pastor might teach.
Still the thought festered in his mind over the coming weeks and last night he finally made up his mind to just get it over with, rip the band-aid off and deal with whatever pain would come as a result. Anything must be better than having this Damocles sword constantly hanging over his head.
Reminding himself of his resolve, he clicked on the mail. Gabriel outlined again in colorful words why he should not be doing this, but right at the end he stated that if that truly was what he wanted then he would not stop him, and that it could be actually rather entertaining seeing Raphael's head explode. Castiel had to smile at that. It made him feel remotely better to know he would not lose contact with all of his family should things go south.
He didn't bother dealing with the rest of his mail, and closed the pc down, more than ready to go home, cook a good meal and start working on the letter he had decided on sending his family.
#
"No, Dean, there's no way you're not going." Sam stood in front of his older brother, staring him down even though he was physically still smaller.
"But I already promised Charlene I'd take her out this Saturday."
"You've known for a whole week that we were all going to celebrate Cas' birthday tomorrow. What's wrong with you lately" Sam burst out.
"Nothing's wrong. I just forgot, ok. I got a chance to take out a chick, one day you'll understand." Dean waggled his eyebrows suggestively, plastering on a fake smile. "Plus, I can't just blow her off now." Of course he hadn't forgotten Cas' birthday, how could he? He just didn't want to spent a whole day around the happy couple, sue him. And it was easier playing dumb than try to explain things to Sammy. What would he even say? 'He didn't want to be around Cas and Alan because he'd just wanted to punch something every time he was.' Yeah, that would just lead to a tsunami of questions.
"Bullshit." Sammy called, faced scrunched up.
"Language." Came Dean's automated reply. Sammy might be older and didn't need him quite as much anymore as he used to, but he was still a kid, and you couldn't take the older brother out of Dean.
His little brother just rolled his eyes. "No seriously, what has gotten into you. It used to be all Cas this and Cas that. Then you came back and you're all different, and now to top it off, you're telling me you forgot his birthday?"
Dean gave a shrug. "People change."
"Yeah, and it would have nothing to do with Alan?"
"What?" Dean's eyes shot up to meet Sammy's. What was his brother implying here? Had he at some point given himself away to his brother? Dean could feel his hands go clammy and wiped them on his jeans.
"Oh come on. I'm eleven not stupid. I've noticed how you run off as soon as Alan's around. What do you even have against the guy? He's actually really nice, not that you would know."
"Whatever." Was all that Dean could come up with in reply, because he wasn't having this conversation with his brother.
"Yeah, whatever... why do I get the impression that you're uncomfortable with two dudes, you know-. Cas is our friend, you should be happy for him."
"Sammy, you know that's not true." Dean growled menacingly before adding "just let it rest, ok." His brother had hit his sore spot head on, only not quite for the reasons he assumed.
"If you say so." Sam looked at him with a calculating glare. "Then there is no problem with you coming to the cinema with us tomorrow. I actually planned it all." Sam face changed to a grin, holding up his notepad with the itinerary for the day. Dean knew his brother had been allowed to be in charge of the planning with some supervision by Amelia and this Alan. Maybe if his fucking name started with an 'A' he would have had a shot with Cas. Dean snorted at the stupidity of his own thought.
At any rate, this gathering was just going to be too much 'sweet' all around for Dean's liking. Amelia was supposed to bring her new man as well, and Dean didn't need happy couples shoved down his throat. But he knew by the way his brother was looking at him, there was no getting out of it without risking a real shit-storm, he knew how stubborn the little menace could be. Plus he really should be over 'it' by now. Not feel that irate pull in his gut any longer every time he as much as got a look of this Alan guy near Cas. Dean had definitely tried his best to distract himself, to literally drown his feelings, and while he had to admit he was having fun, even getting to third base with one or two of the girls, it never seemed quite enough.
This Charlene was just another girl who he would date for a few weeks and then move on. It never felt quite right and Dean tended to break it off before things got too serious or when the chicks started to get too attached. It was easier that way. He still hadn't dared exploring his curiosity regarding the same sex, despite letting his eyes wander to a male specimen on occasion but then his thoughts would without fail turn to Cas and mostly that was the end of his curiosity. Just once or twice Dean really thought 'fuck it' and was almost about to just go for it. He even imagined telling Cas about how he got it on with another dude. Not that this would achieve very much or change anything, but the thought made Dean feel better, if only for a little while.
"Fine, I'll try to get out of it." Dean conceded. "But if she breaks up with me because of it, you can cook your own breakfast for a month."
Sammy smiled brightly. "There, that wasn't so hard. Now please promise me to give Alan a chance. Just talk to the guy or something."
Dean nodded his head if only to shut his brother up. There was no way that was going to happen but Sammy didn't need to know that.
#
Of course this had been a bad idea from the start. Dean knew exactly why he'd planned on not attending. Cas in close proximity for a prolonged period of time brought his defenses crumbling down fast. But even in his wildest dreams he hadn't accounted for the possibility of being wedged between his brother on one side and CAS on the other.
Ok, technically he'd been awake half the night conjuring up various scenarios of how he and Cas were pressed close together, not being able to keep their hands to themselves, to the dismay of Alan who had been reduced to the role of bystander. To his great shame, he had actually gotten hard and jerked off to this fantasy. Then he had spent the rest of the night scolding himself for still pining after Cas, unable to fall asleep with the prospect of spending a whole afternoon in the man's presence. Something that used to be so easy. And just before he was about to get really emotional, roughly around 4am, and mourn the loss of his friend, because damn he missed hanging out with Cas, missed his dry humor and even his stupid coffee, and how could you even miss something so mundane, he got up and started to watch some crappy early morning TV which thankfully eventually bored him into falling asleep.
And now here he suddenly was, the situation resembling too closely like one of his fantasy scenarios. He honestly had no idea how they ended up like this. Last thing he knew was that Amelia was in front of him and Sammy was behind him, followed by Alan and Cas, as they made their way to their seats. Then Sammy had shoved in front of him, wanting to sit next to Amelia as he had not seen her in weeks. Next thing he knew Alan stepped behind Cas, probably trying to do Dean a favor by not sitting next to him (yeah they still hadn't spoken more than a few tense words) and Cas looked at him wide eyed, licking his lips nervously.
Unbeknown to him, Castiel's thoughts were currently along very similar lines to Dean's. He had been so careful, trying to make sure he did not end up sat next to Dean, whether that was mainly to spare the older Winchester's feelings or for his own benefit he wasn't sure. He had been pleasantly surprised to see the teenager come along and even give him a 'birthday' hug, despite feeling his pulse quicken at the contact and maybe enjoying it more than he should allow himself to. It was just so good to have Dean here with him for his birthday. After the way he seemed to avoid him lately, he had not banked on him being here. Cas took Dean's presence as a good sign, a sign that maybe the teenager had started to move past his juvenile infatuation with him. The few times they had talked, Dean outright refused to talk about 'it' and Cas was getting to the stage where he had to agree. Maybe it would just be best to let whatever had transpired between them rest. It had been so long that there hardly seemed any point to dig up the past, surely they both had moved on by now from whatever there had been between them.
And Cas really believed he had overcome his own ill infatuation he'd had for the boy. He was in a healthy relationship with someone far better suited for his age and what little he had gleaned from Sam, so was Dean. Cas felt his harsh actions from just before Christmas validated by the knowledge that Dean was dating someone his own age now.
That belief was shattered though once he sat down next to the boy, and felt his heart speed up, like it had a mind of its own. He suddenly felt overwhelmed and Dean was way too close for comfort and he couldn't get his body to calm down. Even though he was sat straight, arms folded over his lap and legs pressed together, he could feel the body heat of the teenager and the familiar scent of Dean invade his nostrils. It had been months since they'd been this close but the sensations and the memories were coming back fast. Especially how confident and possessive that last kiss they shared had been. No one had ever kissed him like that. Not that Cas had much experience, having kissed a total of four people in his life. Still the memory made his skin crawl an his lips tingle. He suddenly felt too hot and opened the top button of his shirt. What the hell was wrong with him? He was in a happy relationship, finding his place in the world, finally comfortable with himself. Why couldn't that be enough? Surely it had to be enough!
Everybody was passing around the popcorn and sweets and making happy banter while they waited for the film to start. Nobody paid much attention to the fact that both let the food pass them by. Normally Dean would be the first to stuff his face but right now he couldn't care less about food. His mood was fast changing from overwhelmed and antsy of having Cas so close to him to angry at the way the man seemingly was so uncomfortable being in his close proximity. Not that Dean was particularly overjoyed about them having ended up next to one another but - would it really be so horrible if any parts of their bodies touched? Did Dean become that repulsive to him? No, he refused to believe that, his brain was just going into overdrive. He chanced a glance at Cas, trying to look inconspicuous pretending to check out the rows behind them. The man looked like he had swallowed a stick. Dean caught motion to Cas' left and couldn't help his eyes zooming in on where Alan was about to pat Cas' knee, only to be slapped away by the dark haired man.
Shit, Cas gulped and smiled apologetically at Alan, who gave him a confused 'I thought we went past the 'no PDA' stage' look. Just he could not deal with having anyone close and groping him right now. He had acted without thinking because he just knew Dean was watching and he didn't want to rub it in his face, or so he was telling himself. God, he was a horrible person. To make up for it he shuffled a bit closer to Alan, giving him, what he hoped was a convincing, smile.
This was fast becoming majorly awkward. Dean turned and tried to engage his brother in some light banter, and yet, Cas so close, the smell of his cologne and the stupid guy next to him who was allowed to be all the things Dean was not, had him come out in a cold sweat. He didn't even need to look at them. It was like they were burning a hole in his back. His leg tick made itself known and Dean was sure the whole row was shaking with how fast his leg bounced up and down. Damn, instead of this emotional turmoil he could have been out making cosy with Charlene.
"S'cuse me" Dean mumbled as he got up, not caring that the film was about to start, and pushed past Cas and Alan. The rest of the group just looked on confused as he headed out of the theatre. He just needed a moment to collect himself and a cigarette would definitely help. He still hadn't given up on his habit and it had become somewhat of his go to whenever emotions of any kind seem to overwhelm him. Heading out the entrance, he walked past the cinema to a quiet corner with a bench, lit up and took a big drag before blowing out the smoke in little rings. Just one of the tricks he had learned over the months.
"Dean?" A familiar voice came from behind him as he was halfway through his cigarette.
"What you're doing here?" Dean asked as his head whipped around, staring into blue eyes.
"Just wanted to make sure you're ok." Dean detected a note of shakiness in Cas' voice. "Look, I know it might be a bit uncom-"
"No, everything's alright. Why wouldn't it? Can't a guy just go out for a smoke these days?" Dean was quick to interrupt, because he had not wanted to talk about this, them, in the past, and he was not in the mood to start now.
"You smoke?" Cas eyed the offending item in Dean's hand.
"Yeah, so?" Dean turned to look at Cas, the challenge of 'and how is that any of your business' evident in his voice.
To his credit, Cas just shrugged his shoulders and sat down next to Dean.
Cas was not happy with this new habit but now was not the right time worry about it.
"Where did you even get these from?" He asked, hoping Dean hadn't gotten himself into any trouble. He really had not much of an idea what Dean got up to lately. And that thought hurt. He had been the one Dean used to trust, who he confided in, Cas wondered whether he had found anyone else to fulfill that role.
"My girlfriend likes to take care of me." Dean grinned around another drag, the double meaning fully intentional.
Cas remained quiet for a moment. His gaze was impassive as he studied Dean. Dean wasn't sure whether he should be pleased about that or whether he had hoped for Cas to react in some way. God he was so petty.
"And how would she be getting hold of some?" Cas just had to know. Worried that Dean got in with the wrong crowd.
Dean smirked. Ok, he was petty and loved the irritated tone in Cas' voice. "Guess it's legal for an 18 year old to buy cigarettes in this state." Oh, he had kind of wanted to rub that one in. Cas raised his eyebrows at him, not clearly at a loss of how to answer that.
Dean held the man's gaze as he continued. "Yes, looks like not everybody is that bothered with dating an underage guy." He couldn't hide the light note of bitterness, as he continued to stare at Cas.
They held eye contact for a long moment. The older man was evidently looking for something to say. "Dean... " Cas seemed suddenly flushed and worked the fingers of his right hand through his hair. "You know that it is not the same." He eventually hissed in frustration.
"Why? The law's the law, ain't it? Either you're considered legally an adult or you're not." Dean could feel anger boil up, frustration he didn't even knew he had, and lit another cigarette even though he just stomped out the last one.
"You know that it is more complicated than that. I- I'm-" Castiel stuttered.
"Did you know that the legal age of consent is 'sixteen' in 31 states." Dean interjected. So what, he googled this shit when he still had hoped that there could be something more between them. Of course, Illinois had to have a legal age of seventeen, which had dampened his mood a bit, but they could have worked it out somehow. Why was he even talking about this now? After all these months, it was just like it finally all needed to come out.
"And in Europe, it is even more varied, in some countries you only have to be fourteen to be able to decide when and who you want to have a relationship with. It just varies so much, what the fuck does it even mean? Is it not just some random number made up by some assholes in suits who think they know best?" He pierced Cas with his gaze who looked like he was physically in pain.
Cas had wanted that conversation for so long, a chance to clear the air between them, but he had not foreseen such a conversation going down this particular road.
"Why are you bringing this up?" He asked, voice shaking, hands wringing nervously in his lap.
Dean studied him for a second, before he shrugged his shoulders. "Honestly, I don't even know. Just- been thinking about stuff, I guess." Damn and now he was talking about the one thing he did not want to talk about, might as well get it all out now. "It just seems unfair that something like this should be purely decided by where you happen to live. Like if we lived a few states over, I would be legal in a few months and we-"
"It is what it is." Cas interjected. He needed to stop the direction this conversation was heading right now. "I- the law is there for a reason, and even if it might seem unfair to you, it will do more good than harm. You just have to trust that people in charge know what they're doing and-"
"Well, I damn well don't! I'm fucking old enough to make my own decisions." Dean growled.
"And what- in your world that takes away my autonomy, doesn't include me being able to make decisions of my own?" Cas shot back, suddenly feeling a mix or panic and rage rise up.
"Cas, that's not what I meant, I-" Dean stammered, looking wide eyed at the man next to him.
"No Dean." Cas hissed in a whisper, feeling equally panicked and aggravated and too aware there were people walking past them. "Have you ever, ever really thought about what this, us, could do to me? Do you really want to see me go to prison? And yes, that would be the bottom line for me. I would be risking it all, you on the other hand would be seen as the victim, no harm would come to you."
Dean gulped, the sharp tone in Cas' voice cutting him deep. Moreso because this was a close as the older man had ever come to outright admitting that he might have wanted something more from him, if circumstances were different. Yes, Dean knew there were risks involved, more for Cas than for him, and no, he did not want to see Cas in prison. But no-one would have had to know. He turned to be able to look at Cas properly. And damn, his blue eyes were full of sadness and something else, Dean just could see it, and it suddenly tore him apart. He had just thought- no, to be honest, he hadn't really thought all that much what it might do to Cas should they get together as anything more than friends. Dean suddenly felt like the world's biggest asshole.
"Of course I don't. What do you think of me? For one, I would not have told anyone. And I'm sorry, I never meant for you to- I just- I really thought you- and me -" Dean scrambled to find the words he wanted to say.
"Not that any of this matters now, right?" Cas cut in. He just couldn't listen to what Dean might have been about to say, because he might crumble under the weight of it. He has to stay in control "I mean, you have a girlfriend now and I- I have Alan." Cas stated, like it was final.
"Yeah, right. It doesn't matter anymore. You made your choice and as a result I had to make mine." Dean nodded his head, trying to convince himself, taking a last drag of his cigarette before flipping it onto the pavement, watching it glimmer for a moment before he stomped it out.
The older man's gaze still bore into him, and damn, despite it all, Dean missed him, just missed having him around. His mind was going round in circles. Maybe this talk could be closure.
"Still, this sucks." Dean said, fixing his boots with his eyes.
Cas nodded his head. "Yes. Dean, I'm really sorry I-"
"I swear to god if you say you regret what happened I'm gonna punch something."
That is not what I wanted to say. I'm sorry I messed up our friendship by not being more-"
"I said don't say it. "Dean implored. He did not want to hear Cas say that he thought it was a mistake. Because as much as Dean blamed himself for coming onto Cas, putting him in this impossible situation, he didn't want to regret those moments together. But he agreed, he hated that this had come between what they used to have.
"You think we could try and, I don't know- go back?" Dean had to smile at the way Cas stumbled over those words, awkward and adorable, at the same time it hurt, because Cas was awkward and adorable and Dean ached to touch him. Could he try just being friends again? Well it wasn't like they ever had been anything more, even with the kisses and the co-sleeping (Dean valiantly tried not to think about that time when he had come lying on top of Cas, because that was an accident and just awkward). He could try as long as he didn't have to be around Alan, for now at least. Maybe in time he could be happy for Cas, as a good friend should.
Dean gave Cas an honest smile, "I can't promise anything but I'd like to try."
"Ok. So, maybe to start, come and join Sammy after school at my house. I know he would like to have you there."
Dean assumed Cas knew about their latest home situation and just nodded in agreement. He was well aware Sammy was more comfortable around his place these days and spending more time with Sammy was something he could definitely do.
Dean stood up and dusted the back off his jeans. "Come on, we probably missed half the movie by now, and probably they miss the birthday boy." He said offering his hand to pull Cas up. That would be something they would have done before, right? Cas smiled in return and took it and let himself be pulled up.
#
Wow, he couldn't believe that he'd finally done it. Cas' heart was beating out a staccato beat as he sunk back onto his couch, double brandy in hand, and staring at the 'sent' symbol on his laptop screen. The mail was addressed to each of his brothers and his sister and to his father. He had worked on the wording of this mail for weeks. Gabriel, once he had accepted the inevitable, offered his services at reading it over and smoothing it out. Cas turned his mobile off and put it on the table in front of him. Really, he felt not prepared to deal with any highly likely calls he might receive tonight. He would leave that for tomorrow.
As much as he was still petrified of the consequences, it felt like a big weight had finally been lifted off his shoulders. The missing puzzle piece to him finally being able to live with himself at peace. It had taken him an awful long time to get to this point of acceptance, but if his family couldn't see past his homosexuality then it would hurt but he'd move on. At least he knew he had one brother who would stand by him. Also he had made new friends, built a new life here for himself so he didn't feel like it was just him against the world any more. He could finally just be.
His name was among five names of possible candidates for the tenure, and even if he didn't get it, he was pretty much promised a permanent teaching position for the foreseeable future. Things with Alan still worked out well and they had finally given each other the title of 'boyfriends'.
His relationship with Dean was still rocky but he could tell the boy at least tried. He still didn't stay long when Alan was at the house, and Cas tried to keep any personal contact with Alan to a minimum during those times, it felt like the courteous thing to do. Of course his partner noted and tried to probe Cas for information, getting frustrated when he was being evasive. Cas had an inkling that Alan started to blame Dean for his own standoffishness, as he more than once wanted to know what Dean's problem was. A question Cas came increasingly short of giving a plausible answer to.
It all ended in a big blow-up one evening, when Cas in his frustration yelled at Alan to 'just leave Dean be'. He would always feel protective over Dean and might have overreacted. He just wished he could explain, but there were some things that just were better left alone. The following discussion hadn't been pretty but in the end Alan begrudgingly accepted that Dean was here to stay just as much as Sammy was and that 'he had his reasons' for acting the way he did. Cas just hoped that in time they could work it out and Alan would see what a great, loyal and caring kid Dean really was.
Cas knocked back the rest of his drink, letting the warmth spread through is body. If he ever needed to get inebriated it was tonight. He closed the laptop down, basically shutting himself off from the world. He had told Alan to not come round as he really needed to do this by himself and further would be no good company. But really, he just didn't want any mothering of any kind. Staring at the wall opposite him until the brandy would make him sleepy was just about what he wanted.
Cas was just about to get up to refill his glass, when someone knocked frantically on his door.
"Cas, oh god, Cas," A voice yelled as the knocking turned into thuds.
"CAS, please be in." The voice, which he now recognized as Sammy's shouted.
He made his way quickly to the door and pulled it open, eyes going wide at the sight of Sammy. A bruise was forming on the side of his face and he had run out of his house without shoes.
"Sammy?"
"Oh thank god. Cas, come- please." The younger Winchester begged and pulled at his sleeve.
"What happened to your face?" Cas took Sam's chin in his hand, examining the bruise.
"It doesn't matter, just knocked my head when I tried pulling them apart. Cas, you have to do something, he's going to kill him. I- I tried- but-"
"Who?" Cas asked perplexed, the alcohol having slowed down his brain function.
"Dad and Dean. Please, I would call the cops but-"
Castiel knew what calling the cops could possibly mean for the Winchester boys. He quickly pulled on the first pair of shoes he could get his hands on and followed a frantic Sammy over to their house, where he already could hear yelling coming from the upstairs bedroom.
Nothing like a good cliff-hanger, right? I know it looks like Dean and Cas have come to some kind of uncomfortable truce, and not much Destiel goodness, but... OMG, I'm so excited about the next chapter, it will have one of the first scenes I had for this fic in it. I know I'm mean not saying much more. You will just have to wait. (and for anyone that's worried, it will be the end of the line for Cas and Alan in that chapter).
Also, I know that Dean's stance on AOC issues is fairly simplified, and that there is a lot more to it, especially in regards to same-sex relationships. But he is a teenager and as such might not delve too deep into the actual subject. I tried to reflect that in his understanding on the matter.