A/N: I want to say thanks for all the reviews I got for the last chapter and apologize for not having gotten around to answer them. I was away on holiday but they are all very much appreciated and keep me going.
Now as for this chapter, it is a bit of a roller-coaster, as is to be expected with everything that's going on. And I'm no doctor, so the bit about Castiel's hand is based on Google and some artistic license.
"Hey bab- what the hell happened to you?" Alan nearly dropped the bag of croissants that was clutched in his hand as he entered the kitchen and saw the state Cas was in. He rushed over, taking in his partner's battered face. Then, realizing that he wasn't alone in the kitchen, his gaze shifted to Dean, who stood awkwardly against the kitchen counter, suddenly very aware that he was still shirtless. He felt rather naked and crossed his arms defensively over his chest, while his gaze shifted from Cas to Alan and back again.
"What is going on here?" Alan demanded to know, eyes flitting between the two. Dean tried his best to look casual but failed miserably and if Castiel wouldn't stop that 'deer in headlight' expression that was currently gracing his face, Dean had no doubt Alan might just figure some things out for himself.
"Long story." Cas mumbled, and wasn't that the truth. He felt such an intense bout of shame and guilt and an overbearing bone-crushing tiredness from everything that had happened that he couldn't meet the other man's eyes.
"Care to elaborate? You look - are you ok?" Alan enquired, sounding more concerned now as he noticed the slight waver in Castiel's voice. He took the man's chin in his hand, turning his face this way and that, examining the damage. His worried gaze met Castiel's, who finally pulled his eyes up. Cas nodded his head in a silent answer but he saw on his partner's face that he didn't quite believe him. Alan's fingers were brushing against his uninjured cheek before leaning in about to place a small peck on the cheek. Castiel pulled away, eyes briefly searching out Dean before coming back to rest on Alan, trying to give the man an apologetic smile, and Alan looked even more confused, and possibly a bit hurt.
"What is going on? Who did this? Have you reported-" He eyed Dean again, "And what is he doing here? Did- is-"
"Alan, we need to talk." Cas sounded eerily calm even to his own ears as he uttered the words, despite his heart beating out a fast beat inside his chest.
"Ok."
"Dean, would you mind giving us a minute?" Cas shifted his attention to the teenager whose eyes lingered on him.
"Sure, should probably check on how Sammy's doing anyway." Dean was fast to agree and quickly made his exit to the sound of a chair being pulled up and a "You're going to tell me who did this to you?" from Alan. If this talk was going the way he assumed and sincerely hoped it would be going, he'd rather not be privy to it. No matter how much he desired Cas for himself and was ecstatic they got to this point, his conscience made itself known with a vengeance. He couldn't help but feel bad for this Alan, the guy who without a doubt cared for Cas, had helped his introvert, awkward friend to get to this point of self-acceptance, and who might be about to get his heart broken. But in the end, Dean reasoned if only to feel less guilty, he had spotted Cas first and if it hadn't always been about his stupid age they would have been a thing a long time ago. Dean sneaked into the living room, smiling at the sight of a lightly snoring Sammy. He had no idea what made his brother leave or how he managed to get past their dad, but he was glad he was here.
The teenager started to make a mental list of everything that he might need to do over these next few days, like finding a way of getting all his stuff if his dad stayed unreasonable, find a new, better part time job than the paper routes and most importantly, how to ensure that Sammy would stay with him. In between, his thoughts drifted to Cas and what this new kind of friendship slash relationship they just had agreed upon might involve while trying to ensure that the man stayed safe. He couldn't help the exciting flutter in his stomach at the prospect of time spent with the man and his mind wandered to all the things that they might get away with doing. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't help but notice the increased volume of voices drifting in from the kitchen and the awareness that, at least to a point, he was the reason for the current conflict.
"I don't understand- I thought we were- why?"
Cas cringed at the hurt tone in the other man's voice. He couldn't believe that he was about to give him the 'It's not you, it's me' speech. But in a way it was the truth. It was not Alan's fault that Cas, despite his better judgment and determination not to, had developed 'more than just friends' kind of feelings for Dean, and apparently did not have it in him to deny these any longer, no matter how much he still wanted to fight against them. He was sure he loved Alan, he just didn't love him enough. But Cas cared for him enough to know that it would be unfair to pretend that this was what he wanted while secretly pining for someone else. Damn, if he had been completely honest with himself before, as scary as that thought still was, he could have spared them ending up here, and maybe even found a way of cauterizing those emotions for Dean to avoid them overtaking him so completely. Alan deserved more than this, someone who could love him like he deserved. Better a quick end than a prolonged lie. If Cas had learned anything from his past it was this nugget of truth.
He must have been quiet for too long, as it was Alan who spoke again. "Did I do something wrong? If so, tell me and I can try and fix this."
Cas gulped and shook his head. "No, you did nothing wrong, on the contrary you're a real great person- I-, I just- there is so much going on in my life right now and I just cannot- I care for you, I really do, but I cannot do this relationship, not when my heart is not in it. It would not be fair to you if I kept this going. You deserve so much better than me."
Alan stared at him for a long time, Adam's apple bobbing, and jaw clenching while he tried to absorb the information. "I- we were happy, weren't we?" Suddenly his eyes went wide. "Is this- did your family put you up to this? Are they pressuring you? You did sent that email, right?" He asked, a new level of concern in his voice, that Cas had no right to receive.
"No, I mean yes, I did sent the email but- as you can see," Cas pointed at his face, "There were more urgent matters I had to attend to, I haven't even opened my messages. So no, it is not my family making me do this. They do not run my life any longer."
"Then what? When I left everything seemed fine. What happened here last night?" Alan's voice was short and clipped, showing his frustration, his hands running through his hair.
Cas sighed, not able to hide his exhaustion. He was not sure how much information he should convey especially with regards to Dean's circumstances, but he felt he owed Alan at least some version of the truth.
"It was- I'm not going to go into details because it is not my place to tell but Dean's father found out some things about his son and let's say, he did not like it very much and was getting physical and Sammy was worried and came to me for help."
Alan's jaw clenched. "Their father did this? Please tell me you reported him."
"No, and-"
"Hell, Cas!" Alan shouted in an unlikely manner. He was normally calm personified. "This man beat up you up- and his son- and you are not going to do anything about this?"
"It is complicated."
"No, it's really not. This is assault and that's what the police is there for. You're not seriously letting this man get away with this? You need-"
"I asked him not to." Dean stood in the doorway, having overheard most of the conversation. It was hard not to with the shouting and all. Sammy was by his side, blinking tiredly at them and Alan's eyes grew wide at seeing the bruise on the kid's face.
"Did he hit you too?" He asked the younger brother. As much as he was ambivalent about the older Winchester, he could wholeheartedly say that he liked Sammy. He had an inkling that his home life wasn't the picture perfect one, being as he chose to hang around Castiel's house most of the time, but he had no idea it was a violent home. Sammy shook his head. "Just got caught between the line of fire." He shrugged way to casual for Alan's liking.
"This is- you need to report this!" Alan sounded exasperated and like he was one second away from calling the cops himself.
"No!" Dean said again. "We can handle this and anyway- it's none of your business." He hadn't intended to sound quite so harsh but he was panicking. He'd rather run away with Sammy than let the police or child protection or some overly concerned dude tear them apart.
"Like hell it is. If Castiel is getting hurt, it is my business." Alan turned to glare at Dean head on.
"And what makes you think I wouldn't care that he got hurt? I was there after all!" Dean was furious now. He felt guilty as hell that Cas got caught in the line of fire and bore the bruises to prove it because of him, he didn't need anyone else implying that he didn't care.
"Alan, please." Castiel pleaded quietly from his place at the table, while the man and Dean stared each other down. It dawned on him that this quite possibly had been a real bad time to break up with Alan, what with the boys here and with what had transpired between him and Dean (Dean who currently was acting like the 'alpha male' his brother had labeled him as which was definitely not helping current matters). And on top of it all loomed the situation with the brothers' father, but there was no backing down now, it would just unnecessarily complicate things further.
Alan cocked a brow at Castiel, but only after he gave Dean a glowering stare. "Oh- right, apparently what happens to you is not my business any longer." He sounded resigned. "What happened to you, Castiel?"
"Please, maybe we can talk this over later, when my head is not about to split in half." He cast a pleading look at his, he guessed now former partner.
"Will that change any of what you just told me?" Alan's brown eyes searched Castiel's face for some sign, not trying to hide the hurt or the anger.
"No." Cas answered, while suddenly feeling an inexplicable urge to study his hands.
"Right." Alan got up, pulled out his keychain and removed Cas' front door key. "Guess I won't need this any longer."
"I'm sorry, I really am." Cas said, voice wavering, swallowing back a small sob. He knew he had no right to be upset, still it hurt and he would miss Alan's company, he had been a good and loyal friend to Cas over this last year.
"Me too." Alan replied tight lipped. "I guess I'll be- seeing you around or something." With that the man turned around, coming to a stop before Sammy.
"You need anything, you got my number, ok." He briefly nodded at Dean before he left and a moment after the front door banged shut.
"Oh god." Cas buried his head in his hands. He was shaking. Dean wanted nothing more than to rush to his side and embrace him but with his brother here, he abstained.
Sammy looked between the two, not really understanding what was happening. "You- did you just break up with Alan?" He fixed Castiel with a baffled glare. They had been so good together. He loved having Alan here and there was no indication that there was something wrong between Cas and the other man.
"Not now," Dean scolded his brother before Cas could answer and Sammy nodded, albeit begrudgingly. He didn't very much like not being in the loop.
Cas took in a big gulp of air and faced the boys. He had to keep it together. They still needed to figure out what to do about their home situation.
"How did you get out?" He asked the younger Winchester.
"After the whole thing, dad hit the bottle pretty hard and then, when he was out, I assume he went to some bar to finish what he started. I heard him leave and thought where's the point in sitting home alone, when I'd rather be here with you guys."
Cas nodded at that. "But he will be back and I can imagine he will not be happy about you going AWOL. But for now, I think we will have to get you to school and then I better call Bobby and tell him what's going on and hope he can talk some sense into your father, because otherwise we might just have to look into other options." Cas saw the look on Dean's face and the way he shook his head. "No that I want to but he might not leave us much choice, because the way he treats you cannot continue."
"Can't we just stay with you?" Sammy asked, being too young to see the complications such a request would bring.
"If only it was that easy. But let's not worry about this until we are out of alternatives." Cas suggested trying to lighten the mood and the boys nodded in agreement.
Dean tried to insist that Sammy should stay at home with them but the little nerd whined about a test or something he had to sit today, plus Cas had a rather convincing argument about stirring the pot if Sammy would just miss school without getting reported as absent by their father. Dean begrudgingly gave in to his kid brother and reason at large. He didn't much like having Sammy go off with the bruise on his face but the younger Winchester was adamant that he would be fine and would tell the teacher he hurt himself while playing ball, should they even bother to ask, that was. Still Dean insisted on at least sending him off to a full stomach and got busy in the kitchen making some pancakes for them all while Cas prepared some coffee and a hot chocolate for Sam, just about managing with the minimal use of his right hand, which was still swollen and throbbed painfully.
While Dean fussed over Sam, Cas called Dean's school and then his workplace, informing them that neither would be able to attend today due to health reasons. By the time Sammy finally left, he had his second mug of coffee in front of him and his cell clutched in his left hand. He eyed the object like he was figuring out how to use it for the first time. Cas was delaying this particular call, he was well aware, instead staring at the message symbol, finger hovering over it, deliberating whether he should just get it over with and read them now or save the best for last, so to speak.
But he had no idea when or in what mood John would be back and it seemed adamant to inform Bobby and get his input. He was not too proud to admit that this was mainly because he was apprehensive of another squabble with the man. Mind made up he scrolled through his contacts and pressed the number before he could change it again.
Bobby picked up on the third ring.
"Castiel?" The gruff voice sounded surprised. It was not often that Cas called the older man.
"Hello Bobby. How are you?"
"Doin' alright, the usual ya know. I take it this is not your average Monday morning 'How'ya doin' call. What can I do ya for?"
No beating around the bush with Bobby. Castiel liked that about him. In his peripheral vision he saw Dean re-enter the kitchen, refilling his own mug of coffee before joining Cas at the table.
"Son? What's wrong?" Bobby asked, now sounding alarmed at Cas' extended silence.
"It is, well- there was an altercation between Dean and his father last night and-"
"What did the dimwit do this time?"
Cas actually didn't quite know whether that was aimed at Dean or at John. "Well, it is‑" Castiel stalled, looking over at Dean. Again, he was not sure it was his place to give away Dean's situation but at the same time it was kind of vital in order for Bobby to understand the severity of it. And what- what if Bobby was of the same opinion as Dean's father? Stupidly, that thought had not occurred to Cas until this moment. He quirked an eyebrow at Dean in a silent question.
"Letme talk to him." The boy held out his slightly shaky hand, and took the phone off Cas.
"Hey Bobby." Dean tried to sound cheerful but the tightness in his voice was obvious.
"Dean, give it to me straight. If Castiel calls me first thing in the mornin' I take it's bad."
"Well-" he fidgeted with the mug of coffee, almost knocking it over in the process, but Cas, bless him, caught it just in time.
"No need to sugar-coat it boy, just shoot."
"Dad kicked me out. He- found some stuff of mine and kind of went nuts and-"
"What stuff? You didn't get yourself into any more trouble, did ya?" Bobby interrupted.
"NO, no, just-" Dean gulped, his eyes searching for Cas', locking gaze with him and taking in another deep breath. He could hear Bobby shuffle about on the other end, and could imagine him taking off his cap to work his hand through his thinning hair. His heart was now hammering in his chest. He would have to tell someone- Bobby- about his experimentation or whatever the fuck he had been trying to figure out when he was looking at those images.
"I- dad used the computer last night and I forgot to clear the history- yeah I know, stupid me." Dean said self-deprecatingly when the man on the other line huffed in amusement. "And well- he saw the special sites I went on and-" Dean gulped. "Damn it- they were of two guys doing you know- things and he got mad and yelled at me- and tore up my room and found more of those kinds of skin mags and-" God he hoped he didn't have to spell it out for the man, his face was already burning.
"Oh." Bobby said abruptly, understanding dawning, and Dean could feel his hands start to sweat, his free hand searching out Cas' and clutching it, hard. The man gave him a squeeze in return.
"That it, or is there more?" Bobby enquired after a moment's pause.
"Erm- he found some cigarettes I got off a friend of mine." Dean said nonplussed.
"So, no one is killed or in police custody- you didn't start taking drugs or joined a cult?"
"No-"
There was a big exhale on the other line. "Damn it, you idjit. You had me real worried here for a second."
Dean felt like a big stone literally rolled off his shoulders and let out a massive sigh. "Now you listen to me son, not that this- sexual- stuff is my field of expertise- but there ain't nothing that would make me care for you less, especially not where you want to put- ya know... got that?!" Bobby mumbled sounding slightly flustered.
"Yes, Sir." Dean replied, giving Cas a small smile of relief.
"Now put Castiel back on, will ya?"
"Yeah, right. Bye Bobby." Dean handed the cell back and took a big gulp of his coffee, finally able to enjoy the taste.
"How bad is it, what exactly did John do?"
Castiel relayed as best as possible what happened over at the Winchester house the night before, not leaving out the injuries and the fact that Dean hadn't wanted the police involved, occasionally getting interrupted by a grunt or a mumbled curse from Bobby.
"But they're safe now." He asked when Cas had finished.
"For now, but honestly, I do not know what to do or how to proceed from here, and I was wondering whether you could talk some sense into John. Clearly he will not listen to me." Cas almost added 'a fag' but thought better of it at the last second. He was pretty sure Bobby must have picked up on him and Alan having been a couple last time he was here but he didn't want to rub his face in it right now.
"Already tryin' to clear my schedule as we speak. I will have to see if I can get one of the guys to cover for me at the garage, that might take a few hours, and even then, I don't think I'll make it there before tomorrow. You think you can hold on to them boys till then?"
"Yes, yes of course." Castiel would not let the brothers go back to their place for now but he was worried what would happen if John, most likely drunk, would come to his house and demanded entry. He was a strong man and surely would know how to kick down a door.
"I can hear ya think all the way over here. Don't ya worry your pretty little head, just keep them boys with ya. I'll try and call John ASAP, talk some sense into that noggin of his. What was he even thinking? Just- do what you have to do if he causes any more trouble." Cas understood that to mean to get the police involved if need be and told Bobby that he would.
Bobby hung up with a "take care of them boys" and a "See ya tomorrow."
"And?" Dean asked curious as to the outcome.
"He's trying to get here by tomorrow, until then, we just have to wait and see I suppose."
"Ok." Dean nodded in understanding.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, savoring the rest of their coffees. Cas' cell was still burning hot in his hand with unopened messages and voicemails. He could feel the painkillers start to wear off and his body still felt sore and he could do with some more, or maybe another couple of hours of rest- or most likely both. But his mind was just too busy for sleep. He randomly turned the cell on and off, staring at it blankly.
"Hey, it's going to be ok." Dean broke the silence, having watched Cas drawing in on himself over the last few minutes. He walked over and wrapped his arms around the man from behind, still feeling bad for having put Cas through all of this.
"It's not that- well not just. I- I came out to my family last night and I don't know if I can deal with them now." He waved his cell and Dean noticed the notifications.
"You did what? Man that's real huge." Dean didn't know the whole story but he knew some of Castiel's family history and his fear about them finding out about his sexuality. Especially in light of what had transpired with his own dad last night, he thought Cas was damn brave for taking that step.
"Or real stupid." Cas' hands were shaking. It was like the inevitable confirmation was there, right in front of him, but as long as he didn't open them, didn't acknowledge their contents, it was not real, he could pretend that maybe his family accepted him regardless. A bit like Schrödinger's Cat, and Cas really didn't want to find out that his relationship with his family was dead.
"I'm here," Dean squeezed Cas' shoulder and leaned in, placing a kiss into his friend's messy dark hair, because he was kind of allowed now and more importantly, because Cas looked like he needed it.
Cas smiled a woeful smile and brought his hand up, placing it on top of Dean's, still resting on his shoulder.
"I know." Maybe it should unnerve him that those simple words from Dean had such a profound effect on him but he suddenly felt like he could face those messages, with the teenager there by his side. Before he could change his mind, he pressed on the message symbol and on the top message, from his dear brother Balthazar who, as expected, had taken on the role of spokesperson for the family. 'How could you do this to mother and father' and 'There will be a family meeting immediately, attendance not optional!' jumped out at him. He didn't even bother to read the rest and instead skimmed over the other messages. They were pretty much along similar lines, the occasional slur like 'Abomination' (courtesy of Raphael) and 'You need to get over this rebellious phase and find your way back to the way of righteousness' (Anna) thrown in. His mother sent the nugget of 'We did not bring you up to be like this' and ended her voicemail (Castiel with Dean's support felt courageous enough to listen to those) with that they knew of a very good place where these urges could get taken care off and that they are already enquiring about a place for him. His father was disappointed in him and accused him of being selfish and not caring for the rest of his family or he would not put them through this suffering.
By the end of the messages, Cas' face was wet. He had no idea at what point he had started to cry. It was not like he hadn't expected their reaction, still it hurt so goddamn much to have the people who should love you unconditionally call you all the possible names under the sun. Dean's hands had tightened incrementally on his arms while the boy was perched over his shoulder, first reading and then listening to the messages with him. He whispered sweet nothings of "It will be ok" and "You will always have me's" in Castiel's ear and right now Castiel needed to believe them to be true, no matter how much his logical, analytical side wanted to protest that no, one day Dean would grow out of this infatuation and find someone more suitable for his age, maybe even a girl he could start a family with. Deep down Castiel knew this was a one-way street to disaster; still he let Dean hold him and smashed his face against the boy's bare torso as he hugged him back.
Dean was seething. He had so many choice things to say about Cas' family but he swallowed them all back, for now. He had experienced first hand what it felt like to be in Cas' shoes and knew that bad mouthing his family would do no good. The hurt was there and it was real no matter how wrong these people were. Instead he did what he'd hoped would help. Held Cas just like the man had held him last night, placed little kisses along his neck and face and just waited for the wave of pain to wash over him. That didn't stop the constant 'Fuck them' that was going round in his head. In fact Dean decided that the whole world with its preconceptions and rules and stereotypes and pretend bullshit could go and fuck itself. If this was the result he'd rather follow his own rules and to hell with the rest.
The beeping of Cas' cell was what made them jump apart after what felt like minutes but must have been a good half hour of just holding each other close and Dean had no idea that doing something apparently so ordinary and boring could make time fly like it had.
Cas opened the message. A simple one liner from Gabriel. "Call me," it read. Cas looked at it and his lips curved into a small smile. Who would have thought that a message from his exasperating brother could ever do that to him. But Gabriel had proved loyal and Cas should probably call him to get the low down on the latest family talk.
"You ok?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, just Gabriel."
"Oh, is he- what did he say?" Dean's gaze grew weary. Cas didn't need any more bad news.
"You might not believe this but he is kind of the good guy here. Wants me to call him, probably to find out how bad the backlash was. I told him I was going to do this."
"Oh, and he's- ok with it?"
"To be honest I am not quite sure but at the very least he is accepting regardless and also tired of our family's bigotry, so we have that in common. And he has helped me a great deal over these last few months. If it hadn't been for him, I might have well lost this house." Castiel informed the teenager.
Dean hadn't thought it possible that he ever would have a positive thought about one of Cas' brothers, and annoying as he had found Gabriel to be in the past he couldn't help a 'Thank god' cross his mind. Cas' voice held a kind of fondness in it when talking about his brother that Dean recognized as a distinct mixture or affection and exasperation, one he himself had used when talking to or about Sammy.
"So, you gonna call him?" Dean probed gently.
"I probably should but- I think I will grab a shower first and possibly some more painkillers. How are you feeling by the way?" It occurred to Cas that he hadn't enquired about Dean's well-being yet.
"Been better but nothing I can't deal with." Dean shrugged his shoulders. "Plus you're here so that's- yeah." Dean said and feeling daring, gave Cas a meaningful look. He smirked when that got a reaction out of the older man.
"Oookay," Cas took in a deep breath, collecting himself. Dean definitely had picked up how to flirt. This was unchartered territory and Cas still half feared that even smiling at the boy 'wrongly' would get him into trouble. He busied himself by grabbing the mugs and bringing them over to the sink, cursing his fluttering heart.
"Gonna head for the shower. Why don't you- if you need a new shirt, socks or- boxers," Cas swallowed, "just look in my drawer and, you want to take the first shower?" He added as an afterthought.
"Na, you go first, I'm gonna clear up in here."
"You don't have to." Cas was quick to point out.
"I know but I want to." Dean always liked being busy and cleaning and taking care of stuff, he knew how to do. Plus Cas' hand still looked like shit and probably needed some rest.
#
An hour later they were both freshly showered and dressed. Cas' hand had proved pretty useless while he attempted to put on his trousers, apparently one hand was not enough to fiddle a button through its hole. After a few infuriating tries and the odd mumbled curse, he opted for some sweatpants as there was no way he would ask Dean to do the button for him. The state of his hand started to concern him and after some gentle coaxing from Dean, Cas decided it might be best to get it looked at professionally. That was why Dean, to Cas' slight embarrassment, was kneeled on the floor in front of him, helping him into his shoes and tying the laces before they made their way down to the nearest hospital.
Driving basically one-handed was an experience to put it lightly, and a long wait and an x-ray later they were on their way home again. Cas' hand was in a splint and he felt a bit emasculated that he couldn't even punch someone without hurting himself. The x-ray had shown a hairline fracture to two of his fingers and the doctor suspected he might have a sprained wrist. He must have hit Dean's father (not that they disclosed that to the doctor) at an unfortunate angle. Cas was told to keep the splint on for about three weeks and was handed a follow up appointment to see that he regained full movement of his wrist and fingers.
There was a tense moment as Cas pulled up into his drive, when Dean noticed John stumble into the Winchester house. Cas had no idea whether he was just too drunk to care or whether Bobby had already contacted him and put him straight, but apart from a short cold glare he ignored them and disappeared into the house.
Still, they both were eager to get inside and close the door behind them. "Damn shoes." Cas cursed as he tried to kick them off without having to undo the laces. It must have been the events of the last 24 hours catching up with him, as Cas felt his mood plummeting as irritation took over.
"Let me help you." Dean was quick to offer.
"No, I can, letme just-" Cas grunted in frustration, taking of his jacket one-handed proved just as challenging.
"Cas, come on," Dean took hold of the jacket, helping Cas to shrug out of it before hanging it up and steering the man towards the couch in the living-room.
"Sit." He ordered and Cas complied, letting his body sink into the couch and sighing.
"Fancy some lunch? I can probably whip up something."
"Dean, you really don't need to." Cas was quick to respond although he felt warmed by the way Dean was lavishing him with attention. It really showed that he had taken care of his brother since he was little. He seemed to be in his element.
"Shut up and tell me what you want." Dean said with a slight tease in his voice.
"Alright, alright. I could do with a sandwich I suppose."
"Grilled cheese?"
"Sounds good." Cas smiled at the boy.
"And you look like you could do with some more coffee." Dean commented, about to turn and leave.
"I can make the coffee." Cas felt like he should at least try and help.
"I know you're rather particular about how you have your coffee but- aren't you lucky that I watched you rather closely when you used to prepare it." He added with a wink.
Cas felt a slight flutter in his gut and was wrecking his brain whether to reply with something equally as flirtatious (if he could even think of something to say) or whether that would be overstepping the boundaries, when his cell started to ring.
His brother's name flashed on the screen. "Gabriel. God, I forgot to cal him earlier."
"Say what, you talk to your brother, I start on the food." Dean offered.
Cas nodded his head before accepting the call.
"Hello Gabriel."
"Hey bro. Glad to hear you're alive."
"Oh. I apologize for not having called earlier but I had some business to attend to." If he had known his brother was that concerned for his well-being he would have called back right away.
"Just was worried, 's all. As long as you're holding up ok. From the bits I have heard from our beloved siblings it can't have been too pretty."
Cas snorted. "Yeah, pretty is not something I would associate with being called an 'Abomination'."
"Ah, I'm sorry, I really am, not that much else was to be expected." Gabriel sighed.
"No." Castiel agreed. "Still, you know- there was that little stupid flicker of hope that somehow family means more than some rigid and outdated traditions. That I actually mean more to them than some interpretation of some lines of texts and what other people might think about me or them."
Gabriel hummed in agreement.
"So, I take it that you will spare yourself the mandatory family gathering then?", Gabriel enquired after a moments silence when he seemed to think about what to say next. Cas appreciated his brother's concern but right now, he himself really didn't know what else there might be to talk about.
"Honestly, I haven't thought about it yet, I had-"
Dean appeared and placed a hot steaming mug of coffee in front of him, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze. Cas mumbled a "Thanks" and squeezed Dean's hand in return.
"Oh, say 'Hi' to Alan from me. I hope he's making sure you're looked after."
Cas gulped audibly. "Oh that was not- Alan and I broke up."
"What? When was that? The guy has some pretty shitty timing to call it off." Gabriel sounded outraged.
"No, please don't blame him. It was I that ended our relationship." Cas hoped that his brother wouldn't ask as to the reasons as he really didn't feel he would be able to lie anymore today. He felt like he had lied and bended the truth enough and he was exhausted.
"I- why?"
"Gabriel." Cas pleaded.
"Of course, sorry, you have a lot on your plate. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here." His brother was quick to relent and Castiel was grateful for it.
"Thank you."
"Say 'Hi' do Dean then." Cas was sure he could hear a smirk in his brother's voice.
"I- what? How do you know Dean is here?"
"Lucky guess. The boy seems to generally be orbiting around you, unless anything's changed there?"
"I- yeah, no." Cas was almost too quick to answer. "He just had some trouble with his father and needed some help."
"Doesn't he always?" Gabriel retorted. "Just be careful." He added a moment later and Cas knew the hidden meaning behind the obvious one.
"I will be." He said lamely. Fear gripped him of his brother knowing or suspecting just how far he had let himself fall. He was sure in Gabriel's eyes even the platonic kind of relationship he had sort of agreed with Dean was taking it too far. And really, Cas would have to concur and yet he had offered it to the teenager willingly and would not want to take it back. Part of him wished he could just explain himself to his brother, longed for someone he could share his struggles with. Outline the complexity of this whole situation, that it was not about some ill-fitted lust but about more, but he knew he couldn't. This was something he would have to bear himself, for now at least, as he had no doubt that people would accuse first and ask questions later even if he would never lay as much as a hand on Dean.
"Good. Just, let me know whether you decide to show up here or not. I'd say there is not much point. They even had a go at me for not outright disowning you." Gabriel said, pulling Cas out of his thoughts.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to drag you into this."
"Don't apologize. While I still believe that silence would have been the preferred option, I have to admire your guts and this family was way overdue for a little shake-up. I can hold my own, don't worry."
"I guess you can." Castiel acknowledged, a big yawn escaping him.
"I think I'll let you go for now, you sound exhausted. Call me when you made up your mind, ok and- if you do come, you can always stay at mine."
"I will, thank you Gabriel."
"Hey, no need to thank me. Seeing Balthazar go red in the face with irritation, totally worth it. See you bro."
Cas disconnected the call and took a swig of the coffee. The smell of melted cheese was wafting in from the kitchen but he couldn't focus on it. The familiar feeling of dread and not quite being able to breathe made itself known.
By the time Dean walked in with two plates Cas had worked himself up into a state, which must have shown as Dean put the plates down and came rushing to his side.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"Nothing, just- what are we doing here?" Cas' hands were shaking.
"You're not going to freak out on me?" Dean felt his own pang of anxiety even as he clutched Cas' hand in his for comfort.
"I think I am." Cas looked at him, breathing shallowly.
"Ok, just- anything I can do?" Dean placed his other hand on Cas' knee in an attempt to support. "Tell you to breathe or something?"
"No, I-" Cas suddenly snorted, still short of breath. "I think I will have to reserve the right to freak out from time to time. Especially with everything that's going on right now. Sorry." He suddenly felt rather foolish for not holding it together.
"So you're not-" Dean swallowed back the lump in his throat, trying to dispel the doubts that quickly were rising to the surface.
Cas studied the teenager, before it hit him what Dean meant. "Oh- no, no. Dean I meant everything that I said! That won't mean thought that I will not have moments like this. I was not joking when I said I have no idea what I'm doing." He tried to smile but only managed a grimace.
"Well, that makes two of us but it's- we're good, yeah?" Dean's eyes searched out Cas'.
"Yeah." Cas replied, feeling the rest of his anxiety ebb away. Dean rested his head on his shoulder, pressing himself close against Cas' side and they stayed like that for a while until Dean's stomach rumbled and they were reminded of the grilled cheese that was getting cold.
By the time they had finished their food and cleared up after them it was early afternoon and Cas looked worse for wear and despite his protests to the contrary it was obvious that he needed some rest. Dean still felt uneasy about the situation with their father and half expected their dad to either come charging in here or maybe nab Sammy right after school. That was why he decided to collect his brother from school while Cas tried to catch up on some well needed sleep.
Dean was glad when all seemed quiet at their house, and assumed that their dad was most likely sleeping off his hangover. It was a nice warm afternoon and apart from the odd look from people at the state of his face, it was a rather pleasant walk. Sammy was surprised to see him waiting at the gate but maybe because of recent events didn't kick up a fuss but seemed actually pleased by Dean's presence.
They walked back, laughing and kicking round small stones on the pavement and Dean even had a few coins spare to treat his brother to some ice-cream before they headed straight for Castiel's house. Dean knew it would be best to just lie low until Bobby's arrival and they would just have to make due clothes wise as he wasn't risking either himself or Sammy going back over to get their stuff. Cas was up and running, which equated to him being tucked away in his study and trying to type on his laptop with one hand. Apparently lectures didn't plan themselves and he needed to go back into work the next day.
After going through the kitchen cupboards to take stock on the supplies, Dean decided to cook up some spaghetti with meatballs for dinner and while he was busy with the preparation Sammy sat at the table, nose buried in his homework like it generally was. Eventually Cas emerged from his study, laptop in hand and joined Sammy at the table and Dean had to hide his smile at the adorable dorkiness of these two. When they eventually all sat down for dinner, Dean couldn't hide his smile any longer. This was without a doubt the most homely he had felt in a very long time. As he watched his brother and Cas discuss today's test and how Sammy thought he did, Dean thought he wouldn't mind having this for the rest of his life. The only way this could have been any better was if he would have been free to just hug and kiss Cas, share his feeling of affection like he so desperately wanted to. Still he couldn't stop his hand from wandering occasionally, giving the man a quick pat or squeeze on his knee and felt his heart flutter when Cas turned to smile at him.
I hope you enjoyed the bit of fluff I managed to get in at the end, the guys (and I) definitely needed it.
It might take me a bit longer for the next update as I have a lot going on right now, having to move being one of the things but I will try my best not to leave it too long.