Present Day: Washington, DC
"We are worth another chance, Olivia."
Olivia resumed her tracing of the table with her fingertip and sighed. Were they worth it? She had thought they were once many years ago.
Fitz watched her and saw the struggle in her mind dance across her face. He was desperate now. He had to have her back.
"I don't deserve you and I was a fool to ever let you go. I suspect I could spend everyday of my life trying to make up for it and it would never be enough. But I am in love with you and I demand another chance. We are worth another chance."
She just kept her eyes trained down. It was like she believed he would only be real if she didn't look at him. He could see her face flickering with emotions and felt his desperation grow deeper.
"Let me earn you."
5 Years Earlier: Santa Barbara, California
Weeks. It had been weeks since Mellie's accident and Fitz sat at the kitchen counter in his condo. The unsigned divorce papers were in front of him. Taunting him.
He took a large gulp of scotch and stood. Anger raged through him like fire as he unceremoniously shoved the papers to the floor. He took another large sip, downing the glass, and reached for a refill.
How had he allowed his life to get here? He had been so close to freedom but then the accident. Mellie. When the papers arrived at her house she'd left in a rage to come find him. She was coming to yell at him. She was talking to her lawyer, screaming, not looking where she was going and she got hit. Hard. She was fine. A little bruised but fine. She could have died but she didn't. She was fine but Fitz felt like he had been hit by a bus.
Mellie was an opportunist of the finest sort. Most people would get into an accident like that and give in. Realize that a marriage wasn't worth almost dying. Realize that they could be living their life instead of fighting. No, instead she saw an opportunity to get her way. Saw the opportunity to get what she wanted. And like a predator stalking her prey she waited. She waited until their parents, his and hers, arrived at the hospital. And then she let all the key words slip. Commitment. Marriage. Hard work. Vows. Love. Therapy.
He agreed because he was weak. Because what could he do while she was lying in a hospital bed? What could he say while his parents were standing there? While her parents were glaring at him? He agreed but in his mind he just thought Livvie.
5 Years Earlier: Boston, Massachusetts
Olivia paced the floor of her dorm room nervously. She wanted so desperately to talk to Fitz. In nearly a month since the accident he had barely uttered a word to her. He responded occasionally to let her know he was alive but that was it. He wouldn't talk to her. He was hiding behind a cloak of silence. Something was horribly wrong and every nerve in her body was telling her that this was it. This was him leaving her.
Circles. She paced in circles as her hand hovered over the call button. A shaky breath in and another out, three circles around. She pressed send and the rings echoed through her head. She paced a circle for every ring of the phone. Voicemail.
"Fitz, it's Liv. Whatever is going on... please tell me. This is...I can't...just... please."
5 Years Earlier: Santa Barbara, California
He listened to the voicemail three times. He always listened to them three times. He always read the text messages 100 times. He couldn't talk to her though. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't listen to her voice lose confidence. He couldn't handle if she cried. He couldn't be that man. He couldn't be another man to hurt her, to leave her. He was a coward. So he just didn't do it.
Instead he listened. Listened to the sound of her beautiful voice and the haunting sadness of her pleas for his attention. Listened to her words and the desperation in her voice. Listened to the mixture of sadness and anger. He wanted so badly to be the man she deserved. To leave this place and go to her. To hold her. To kiss her. To get lost in all that was here and forget about all reality.
Reality. The eternal life ruiner. He hit the replay button and laid back against his bed. He would listen to this one four times.
Fitz rolled over in bed as his phone started to ring. He wasn't sure why he bothered with a bed. He hadn't slept in over a month. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw all of his failures come to light. He saw Olivia, alone. The number lighting up his screen was Olivia's and before he could think he answered.
"Hello?"
"Oh you answered," she said sounding almost disappointed.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to disappoint you," he grumbled.
"I've just gotten used to your voicemail," she shot back.
Fitz sighed and sat up in bed running one hand through his hair. He heard it in her voice then. The hurt was so loud it drowned out her words. He was hurting her and he hated himself for it.
"I deserved that," he sighed. "You deserve so much better."
She took a shaky breath in and it stabbed him through the heart.
"What's going on? You have been ignoring me for over a month."
"Liv..."
"No," she cried and he heard her breathe in to control the tears. To pull the anger and the venom back. "I don't want excuses, Fitz. I deserve the truth."
"She got into a car accident. A bad one. She is fine. She is alive..."
"But?"
"We are... we're going to go to therapy."
Silence. Except for the sound of her heart breaking. He was sure he heard it. It was a horrible shattering sound that pierced his soul.
"Y-you told me your marriage was dead. T-that you were..." She lost the battle against her tears and he heard her sniffling in an effort to stop.
"I know. It was... it is... but we are married. I owe her this at least."
"You lied to me."
"Livvie... no."
"Don't call me that!"
"I just have to do this."
"And I'm supposed to what, wait for you?"
He sighed then because no matter how selfish he wanted to be, he couldn't ask that of her. He had to let her go. She didn't deserve to be caught up in this web of crazy. The words swirled in his brain, wait for me, Livvie, settling on the tip of his tongue. He swallowed them back. She didn't deserve that.
"Listen, Liv. I'm sorry. You and I... we happened so fast."
"So it was all a lie?"
"No. Of course not. But I have to do this. I owe this to her and I... I have to get my life together. I don't want to lose you though. You mean so much to me. Can we be friends?"
"No."
And she hung up. She was gone and he, he had never felt so alone.
5 Years Earlier: Boston, Massachusetts
Falling, she was falling. Olivia felt her legs begin to give out before she was even able to hang up the phone. He was gone. She slid down to the floor as sobs racked her body. Had everything been a lie? He'd told her he loved her and wanted to be with her but as soon as it got difficult, he went back to his wife. She felt empty. Alone.
It could have been hours she sat on the floor sobbing, shattering, it could have been mere minutes. She lost track of the time but slowly the tears subsided and an all over numbness took over. It was over.
Olivia walked from her last class of the day back to her dorm room. She vaguely heard that someone was calling her name but couldn't find the energy or the will to acknowledge them. In the three weeks since she and Fitz had ended things she had become a zombie. She barely ate, she rarely slept. She didn't do much other than study and go to class. It was the only way she knew to cope with the intense pain she was feeling.
Pain, it was such a small word that couldn't quite describe how she was feeling. She felt broken, numb, but mostly she was alone. She sat down on a bench halfway back to her room and stared down at her phone. Her anger had long since subsided and she was left with this burning hole in her heart. Sometimes the urge to call him, to just reach out, to say I miss you was so overwhelming. She would sit for 5, sometimes 10, sometimes more, minutes and convince herself not to call.
Now was one of those times. She stared down at her phone, praying that he would reach out to her and always finding herself disappointed. His number was still saved into her phone because she couldn't stand the thought of removing him from it. It felt like the ultimate step in erasing him from her life and if Olivia was being honest, she never wanted to erase Fitz. Not from her phone and never from her heart.
She stood up and took in a cleansing breath. She wouldn't reach out to him. If he wanted her, he was going to have to come for her. She may never be the same as she was before Fitzgerald Grant but she could be okay. It would just take time. Lots of time, and a good poker face.
5 Years Earlier: Santa Barbara, California
Fitz sat down and leaned his head back against the wall, letting a heavy sigh pass through his lips. He was exhausted. He was barely eating and rarely sleeping. His every thought was consumed with Olivia and the sound of her voice when he told her about the therapy. Since that day, he'd spent every moment trying to not think about Olivia and failing completely.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and for a brief moment he thought it might be her. That she knew he needed her at that moment and was returning to him. He was disappointed greatly when it turned out to be an e-mail alert. Hovering his finger over the call button, he considered calling her. He considered calling an airline and booking a plane ticket right away. He considered a million ways he could fix this but never did any. It was better this way. He didn't deserve Olivia Pope.
"Mr. & Mrs. Grant," a voice called, breaking him out of his thoughts. He looked up and the secretary for the therapist was looking at them. "You can go in now," she said a little too perkily for him to deal with. Mellie shot him a dirty look and started to walk into the office without a glance back.
Fitz took one last look at his phone and sighed. He had been so close and now he felt so incredibly far away. He felt so very alone. And he had no one else to blame.
A/N: Sorry this took so long. Life got into the way and then I got writers block. But I finally wrote it. It was really hard for me to get this just right and I'm not entirely sure I'm happy but I hope you like it. The good news? It's going to be at least one more chapter. I just wasn't ready to end it quite yet.