A/N: Wow, so this chapter somehow turned into a 12000+ word giant, so after some deliberation I decided to split it, which means technically this slightly shorter chapter is just the first half. BUT it also means that there is another chapter ready to go in a day or two (once I made all the changes my beta suggested), so that's good news, I hope.
BTW, thanks for all the lovely reviews for the last chapter. Glad you all seemed to like Jody :) (also keep them coming, they always brighten my days and encourage me to keep going!)
I take it, youre all looking forward to finally having our guys back together again. There will be emotions!
Dean walked past Castiel and into the house, unable to take his eyes off the man. He was in a daze, couldn't even get his mouth to open to say something, anything at all. It all felt so surreal. His eyes briefly roamed his surroundings, he had remembered Cas' house differently, warmer somehow, yet at the same time it had an air of familiarity, home, about it. The man looked as spooked as Dean felt, gaze fixed on him as he closed the door behind them, shutting them away from the world. Dean had all but given up hope that this moment would ever happen and now here they were and he could feel himself starting to shake, unable to deal with any of it, internally scolding himself to just keep it the fuck together.
"Hey." Castiel said on an exhale, not very eloquently but still somehow managing to convey a myriad of emotions in the simple greeting, looking at Dean like he was scared that he would disappear at any moment. That vulnerable expressions stabbed Dean right in the heart.
"Cas," His voice cracked and it all became too much. All the stuffed away emotions, the shit he had locked up in a deep dark place inside of him, the shame and reality of how he had screwed up his life over these last few months hit him like a freight train. He did not want to cry but his body seemed to have a mind of its own as he felt his eyes well up, helpless to do anything but desperately try and swallow back a pitiful sob. But before the sound even managed to escape him, he felt himself being pulled in by strong arms.
"Hey, it is ok." Castiel whispered, breath hot against Dean's ear and Dean fell, buried his face in the crook of the man's neck and just held on as his body was wrecked with shivers.
Castiel could feel the tremors going through the body in his arms and tightened his hold on the teenager. He didn't quite know what he was expecting seeing Dean again. Even after Jody's insinuation that this might happen he had not wanted to allow himself to hope. He felt eternally grateful for this chance, at the same time overwhelmed to deal with it. He racked his brain for something to say, some comfort to offer but Dean was shaking so violently, he doubted that words would even get through to him. All he could do was hold him, trying not to lose it himself as he pulled Dean's face against his neck, working his fingers through the strands of hair at the back of his head. Long-winded explanations or confessions of any kind could come later, for now this would have to be enough, the physical reminder that he was here for Dean.
Castiel had no idea of long they stood there like that, clinging to one another. Dean eventually calmed down but still held on, burying his head harder into the crook of Cas' neck, like he wanted to crawl inside the man. He was afraid of letting go or of letting words break the weird serenity of the moment and. It appeared Cas was pretty much in the same boat. The man had to yet utter more than two words, but the way he engulfed Dean, stroked his hair and back while doing so, felt almost like a silent conversation, one Dean soaked up with every pore. It was like they both knew there was reality to face and it was obvious that neither of them was very keen on facing it just yet.
It was kind of funny that what eventually brought them back to the here and now was a distinct rumble of Dean's stomach. Yeah, he hadn't exactly eaten much over these last few days, didn't really feel like he would be able to keep much down. Even half of last night's burger had gone to waste. Apparently his stomach decided now was as good a time as any to stage a revolt.
"Hungry?" Cas' voice was a low rumble, lips moving gently against Dean's hairline in a delightful tickle that brought out another, this time decidedly more positive, body shudder in the younger man. Dean suddenly became very aware that they hadn't been doing much else other than holding each other, hadn't even felt the need for a kiss, and while he felt a sudden overwhelming urge to do just that, he hesitated, not sure whether he was allowed.
He finally lifted up his head from where it was nestled against Cas' neck, being met with the intense gaze of those blue eyes. Cas still looked at him like he was some kind of mirage. Dean could feel his insides flip-flopping as he held the man's gaze, still not quite feeling like himself, but it had been such a long time, he kind of didn't know what it was to feel like himself any more, or what it had felt like to be here, having Cas pressed against him, warm and comforting.
"Yeah." He simply replied. No point denying it, especially when his stomach growled again defiantly.
Cas smiled then, small but decidedly there, eyes crinkling up at the corners and Dean felt another pang of emotions race through him, a need to reach up and run his thumb over those fine lines that framed those gorgeous eyes. But again he refrained even as he felt his hand twitch.
"How about we go and get an early lunch? You remember that diner I took you to near campus?" Castiel suggested. He was not sure he would be able to eat much, but maybe by the time they got there his stomach would have decided otherwise, especially once the delicious smells would hit his senses.
Dean nodded. How could he ever forget that? It seemed like a lifetime ago, yet it held a firm place in his heart as the moment Cas turned from the friendly weird neighbor guy to something more, a friend, plus the food they served there was pretty awesome from what he remembered.
"You just want an excuse to have one of those burgers." He teased, for the first time since he got here allowing himself to relax just a tad.
"Guilty as charged." Castiel grinned slyly, making Dean's stomach lurch again. Shit, he had missed him so much.
"So?" Castiel enquired.
"Yes, sounds good." Dean agreed. Cas stepped away from him, fully detangling his limbs to get his shoes and wallet and Dean already missed the contact. Now standing here in the hallway, he suddenly couldn't help but feel self-conscious, that momentary calm all but vanished. He didn't really know what to do with himself. He knew was a mess, didn't need to look in the mirror to know that despite the prolonged scrub in the shower this morning he looked like crap. His hair was unkempt and too long, there were dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleeps and too many drunken endeavors, his clothes were old and more tattered than they used to be. He was well aware he had not paid much attention to such things as his appearance recently. But now, going out into the world with Cas, who despite the almost beard he had going on, looked put together and distinguished in his slacks and sweater, he couldn't help but wonder what a sight they would make. Questioned what Cas even still saw (or had ever seen) in him. He was just a loser, drop-out and no good borderline alcoholic, following perfectly in his old man's footsteps. No he was actually worse than his dad, soon he would have a criminal record, too. He had really fucked things up, and Cas being a professor (or as good as one) and all, probably could not even really associate with the likes of him. Funny how suddenly the age gap seemed to be the least of his worries.
The press of a warm hand on his shoulder brought him out of his little near freak-out. Cas was smiling at him, taking all of him in with those blue eyes that roamed freely over his face, like he was searching his soul. Looked at him like he was something special, someone to behold and Dean couldn't help but smile back despite feeling like he didn't deserve any of it.
They both appeared to get lost in each other's eyes for a moment, just taking their fill looking. Eventually Cas took his hand and gave it a firm comforting squeeze, Dean clutched it like a lifeline as Cas lead them out the front door where he promptly let go of his hand as they headed for the car. Dean bemoaned the loss, balling his hand into a fist instead. Still with the secrecy, always the keeping things on the down-low as soon as they were faced with the world. Dean knew that this was how it had to be, more for Cas' sake than his own, but he didn't have to like it.
The drive was quiet as was the short walk from the car to the diner. There were fleeting gazes between them, before one or both would quickly turn away, like they weren't allowed to even look. Castiel was vaguely aware that they probably should dial down the intensity of those stolen glances if they wanted to stay inconspicuous. Just he couldn't get himself to care enough to follow through with that thought, despite being well known on campus and in the diner. The server was there the instant they walked through the door, greeting Castiel like an old friend and showing them to a small table at the back. She knew his order off by heart, not bothering to hand him a menu, and Dean declined the one that was held out to him and just ordered the same.
They sat opposite each other, both occupying themselves with studying the pattern on the walls, smiling up politely as the waitress placed down their coffees in front of them. Once or twice Dean thought Cas was about to say something, heard the slightly deeper intake of a breath, like the man prepared himself for something, but ultimately he was just met with more silence. Dean could feel himself starting to fidget. The longer this quiet lasted the more uncomfortable he got. This was nothing like it used to be between them. Despite their ups and downs there had always been a kind of underlying easiness and understanding to their interactions. Now it was like there was a ten foot wall between them. Like both were too scared to be the first to break this dreadful stalemate, the four months of radio silence weighing them down.
Dean ended up being locked away in his own head, which was never a good place to be. He was halfway on the way to convincing himself that Cas was just looking for the right words to end things with him. What else could his awkward demeanor mean, what else was there? Dean had brought him nothing but grief, and he hadn't done himself any favors with his recent irrational and destructive behavior. He was sure Jody must have told his older friend about the highlights of the crap he had gotten up to. Most likely he was just a big disappointment to Cas, just like he was to everyone else. He mindlessly slurped down half of his coffee in one go. It was still hot enough to burn but he didn't care and somehow managed to successfully suppress the cough that was working its way up his throat.
Dean chanced a look at Cas when he was just about to burst and damn, the man couldn't even get himself to meet his eyes. Not helped by the rampant thoughts in his head, Dean could feel his temper starting to bubble away under the surface, settling nicely next the healthy dose of anxiety that had already taken root. He just needed something to happen, get Cas to acknowledge him even if it was in a negative context.
"So, this is where you gonna try to talk some sense into me?" Dean huffed, trying to go for casual conversation, but instead sounded all defensive and apprehensive, as he clutched his hands tight under the table.
"What?" Castiel's eyes snapped up, locking with Dean's own, and not liking what he saw there. He had been lost in his thoughts, again trying and failing to come up with the right thing to say. There were too many things on his mind, things he desperately wanted to say. He had never been good at sorting emotions out in his own head, definitely not when put on the spot. He was searching for a light-hearted opening, something to put Dean at ease, both of them really. He had felt the exhaustion in the teenager earlier as he held him, both physically and mentally. Moreso, he himself just needed a bit more time to adjust, to process the fact that Dean was really here with him and what to do with that fact. He suddenly realized how that silence could be understood as him being uncomfortable being around Dean. And in a way he was but not for the reason the teenager probably assumed. Castiel knew he needed to address what had happened in Dean's life but just felt that now would not be the right time. Not while Dean was still on edge and looked like he could do with at least a whole day's worth of sleep.
He fixed Dean with his eyes, searching that beautiful face for any indication what was going on inside his head. Dean held his gaze but the nerves were clearly imprinted on his face.
"Do you want me to? Would that help?" He simply stated, leaving the choice up to Dean, not wanting to push him, but the teenager had opened up that line of conversation with his question.
Dean felt put on the spot by that gaze and averted his eyes, staring at his hands that were twisting in his lap. He wanted to talk- but not at the same time. God, he couldn't even sort his own head out. He was scared by the prospect of what might be said. He looked up, his gaze meeting Cas' once more, feeling at a loss of what to say. "I don't know." He eventually said meekly but truthfully.
Castiel's heart melted a little at the lost look in the boy's face, nudging him gently with his leg, the first physical contact he allowed them since they left the house. "We don't have to talk now, or we could talk about whatever you want. It is your call. I just want to say this." Castiel pressed his leg harder against Dean, really all he could do despite wanting to clutch his hand to really get his full attention. "I know you Dean, know how things affect you more than you would care to admit. And I trust you to make the right decisions- in time. We all take detours and make mistakes and it is ok not to have it all figured out. I know that for a fact!" A small wistful tug at his lips graced Cas' face at those words. He definitely knew about making poor choices. "But for now, I'd rather just enjoy our time together, if that is something you might want. But whenever you want to talk, know I will be here."
Dean let out the breath he wasn't even aware he had been holding, some of the strain leaving him as he looked up at Cas through his lashes, for the first time feeling an honest smile pulling at the corners of this mouth. Cas still got him, and he didn't hold his failings against him. Dean felt like he could breathe again, maybe even breathe properly for the first time in months.
"I'd like that." He said with a lopsided grin, his emotional rollercoaster continuing, as anxiety quickly made way to nervous anticipation. "I mean- spending time with you, and maybe later-" Dean left the sentence hanging unfinished between them. He knew they would have to talk, about what happened and also about what was going to happen after tomorrow, but for now he was here with Cas, something he had not believed to be possible all but 48 hours ago, and he'd be damned if he would let his nerves get in the way.
Castiel returned the grin, it was small, barely more than an upward tug at the ends of his mouth, but it was honest and open. He had always found Dean's smiles to be rather infectious. He underlined the emotion with another press of his leg against the teenager's, well aware that in terms of open affection, this was the most he could allow himself as the display was fairly well hidden from view. This time Dean pressed back, sinking just a little bit lower in his seat to allow his leg to come to rest properly between Cas', feeling the warmth of the man's legs seep into his own.
They stayed like that while eating their food and finishing off their coffees. There still was a silence between them as neither said much more than commenting on the quality of the food, only now it was broken up by he occasional smile and fond looks. It felt more real, more like what used to be between them. The small connection, that small press of legs in the privacy of their own little corner, was a constant reminder that they were here together.
It was just after one when they left the diner, walking back towards Castiel's car across campus. It was busier now than earlier and a few people greeted Castiel and he nodded in return. Dean was very aware that he should keep his distance, this was Cas' domain after all, and after everything he'd put him through already he didn't need people talking about him here as well.
On arrival Castiel was hovering and made no indication that he intended to get inside the vehicle. Dean raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"Where to now?" the man asked, sounding borderline nervous, endearing in a way that Dean had always loved about him, that had drawn him to Cas. Dean looked skyward then, squinting against the sunlight. It was a bright, albeit rather breezy day, a few white fluffy clouds made their way across an otherwise blue sky. The whole setup had a tinge of unreal to it, colors too bright, and sunlight too warm on his face, the likes of which he hadn't felt in a long time. Dean had thought that if he would get the chance to see Cas again he'd knew exactly what he wanted to do. He had dam well spent most of last night running through endless scenarios in his head. Yet now that he was here, he was at a loss. Not sure where exactly they stood with each other and their relationship, what would be acceptable, knowing they would need to talk about this- more stuff they needed to talk about and that he'd rather not. He looked over at Cas, putting on what he hoped was a convincing smile as he shrugged his shoulders in a 'whatever you want to do is fine by me' kind of way.
Cas appeared to be pondering the situation for a moment, eyes flitting between Dean and the surroundings, looking up at the sky before coming to rest on the teenager again. "I think it is a nice day to drive up to the lake, what do you think?"
"Yeah- yeah we could do that." Dean was quick to agree. It sounded as good a plan as any. He had only been there once, taking Sammy on a particularly hot summer's day because he had mercilessly begged him to. Mundane things like enjoying the view or going on walks hadn't been really one of his priorities in the business that generally was his life. Plus cash for such adventures had always been in short supply. Even buying Sammy an ice-cream that one time meant they had to make due with 'butter pasta' for three days in a row. But from what he remembered it was nice place.
It took them a while to get there, the busy afternoon traffic slowing them down, and it took Cas almost as long again to find a space to park, apparently the whole of Chicago had decided to descend on the lake on one of the first nice days of the year.
They walked along the lakefront in companionable silence. Dean had to zip up his jacket against the breeze, feeling a chill slowly working through his body despite the best efforts of the sun to counteract the effect of the wind. Cas must have picked up on it as a moment later Dean felt the man wrap his scarf securely around his neck, then tugging it into the collar of his jacket. Dean was taken aback for a second by the gentle and thoughtful act, a protest already half formed on his lips that he didn't need mollycoddling. Hadn't needed it for a long time, he was almost a grown man after all. But something stopped him. Cas sparing his comfort any thought, the clear affection in the act made him feel warm and gooey inside. Cas used to be able to do that to him, and apparently that hadn't changed. He realized how much he had missed Cas' affection. Maybe that was why in the end he simply accepted the scarf and smiled his thanks as they carried on walking amongst the throng of people.
After some time Dean felt Cas tug at his sleeve, puling him along towards a bench overlooking the water. Dean went willingly, their knees bumping as they sat down. Cas leant forward and rested his elbows on his legs; his gaze traveling out over the water. Dean mimicked the stance, his own gaze looking out across the lake. It seemed to stretch out before him endlessly, the blue water shimmering and reflecting the sunlight, giving it all a surreal calm despite the hustle and bustle of the people around them. The motion enthralled him, he let it draw him in as his thoughts began to wander, and his breathing leveled out. He felt a calm wash over him he hadn't felt in months, possibly a lot longer than that.
"I hate him." Dean sucked in a breath and stiffened as soon as those words had left his mouth. He had no idea where they even came from. He had decidedly not thought about his dad just now, and he wasn't even sure they were the actual truth. Despite everything, his dad was still his dad; it was more like he desperately wanted, needed, to hate him, because he was to blame for all of this. He was painfully aware of Cas' eyes on him, but couldn't get to turn to meet the man's gaze. There was stuff that just wanted to spill out and he was not sure he was ready for that to happen.
Castiel was surprised by Dean's sudden outburst but he had a feeling that there were things Dean just needed to get off his chest, that he hadn't really been able or willing to say before. Not giving the people around them any thought Castiel reached out and took hold of Dean's hand and gave it a gentle supportive squeeze, tracing his thumb along the wrist in a back and forth motion.
Dean was startled out of his thoughts by the unexpected contact, peering down at Cas' hands in his. It was such an open and affectionate gesture, he instinctively wanted to retract his hand, keep them and their secret safe from the world, just he couldn't get himself to move. It had been too long, he had missed, craved the older man's touch. He hadn't allowed himself to feel this need, one of the many things he had buried, but now he couldn't stop the longing. The day was starting to wear on him. He sighed and squeezed back, holding on like he was scared Cas would let go. When the man didn't, Dean allowed himself to relax, shifting his gaze back out over the lake.
"I- Things were good, real good. For the first time in fucking years we- Sam and I didn't have to worry so much, and I was-, and then he had to- just take it all away. Pretending to suddenly give a crap, deciding he knows best. What we wanted didn't even matter. What even gave him the fucking right all of a sudden?" It came spilling out of him then, the anger and frustration at having been treated like a child, at not having been heard. And he still felt an overwhelming rage over the things his old man had said, accused Cas off.
Dean turned to face the other man, voice breaking. "Cas I- I never- I didn't rat you out or anything, I was just stupid and- my dad found my phone and-" Dean's voice shook. That was the crux of it, the fear he had harbored and tried to push down all these months, that Cas would somehow blame him, thought he had willingly divulged the actual state of their relationship or how far it had progressed.
"I know, I know." Castiel said reassuringly, gripping Dean's hand tighter, smiling at him warmly. He never had had any doubt about Dean's loyalty, had experienced it first hand with regards to his younger brother. Though it was a weight he had never wanted Dean to bear, this secret of theirs. It was just the paradox of their relationship, that in order to have one, they had to keep it a secret. Their current circumstances were proof of that.
"God, he doesn't even know you, and the things he said- about you- I just was- am so fucking angry, and there was nothing- there IS nothing I can do, just try and suck it up, but I can't do that!" Dean heaved a sigh.
Castiel gripped Dean's hand tighter, the tormented tone in the teenager's words cutting him like a knife. He wondered whether Dean actually knew about the call he had received from John all those months ago, but doubted that to be the case. He had a very good idea of the kind of things John would have accused him off and a part of him still struggled to not associate with those, at least to a degree. At face value the evidence would always be stacked against him. And there were a lot of things he could and did blame John Winchester for, mainly neglecting his children while not willing to sort out his own head, but honestly, if the situation had been reversed, Castiel wondered whether he would have been quick to judge too.
"Was that why you- you know, did the stuff you did?" Cas prodded gently.
"Guess so," Dean huffed with an accompanying shoulder shrug. "It was- damn, I feel so stupid, but when I am drunk at least I don't need to think, don't feel like I want to constantly punch him or run away- consequences be damned. Not that I could have done that anyway."
Cas nodded in understanding and Dean was eternally grateful that he left it at that, didn't probe, and didn't question him further. He had a feeling that right now he wouldn't deal too well with an actual lecture, or even some comforting platitudes. Now that he was removed from his reality back in Sioux Falls, he could see how stupid he had been, how reckless, and a pang of guilt hit him at the thought of the extra stress he must have put Sammy through. After all, he hadn't been the only one who suffered, and he hadn't been there for his brother to help him through his own crap.
They fell silent once more, staring out at the lake while still holding hands; Dean grew bolder and interlinked their fingers when the world around them hadn't caved in or come to a standstill. No one was paying them any particular attention as they sat there next to one another.
"You know- I'll be seventeen in a few months." He blurted out, another one of those random thoughts that apparently needed to be voiced.
"Mhh-" Cas hummed turning to face Dean, curious where this new train of thought was leading him.
"Just- then my dad can't tell us what to do any more. We can see each other without putting you in danger and-" Cas' continued silence was making Dean nervous and he cut himself off, changing direction of what he wanted to say. "I mean, if that's still is what you want, or-"
"Dean," Castiel interrupted before the teenager could work himself up into frenzy. He basically radiated uncertainty all of a sudden. He turned to look at him, squinting his eyes against the sunlight. "Of course I still want this- you, never doubt that. But we have to think this through. Yes, soon we can see each other without fear of direct consequences, but there will still be a stigma attached because of our age gap, made worse by the fact that we are two guys, and until you're eighteen your father still is your legal guardian and you cannot just up and leave- also Sammy." He wanted to add Dean' schooling as well but he knew that would be one of the least things on Dean's mind right now.
"Damn, I know! I won't just leave Sammy, but my dad can't forbid me to be in contact with you or you to come and see me and we can- I don't know." Dean huffed in frustration. He wanted this so much, yet even once he passed that wonderful magical number, because of the way his dad had fucked things up, he still might end up not having this, having Cas, at least not in the way he'd hoped for.
"Hey, no need to try and figure it all out today. I am not going anywhere." Castiel nudged Dean's shoulder gently with his.
Dean looked up at Cas with hopeful eyes. "Promise?" It didn't even matter if Cas was telling the truth or not, he just needed to hear him say it.
"Yes." Castiel confirmed, taking Dean's hand between both of his. "I promise." Dean felt like he wanted to smile and cry at the same time. In the end his face contorted into something in-between that couldn't have been pretty but the way Cas smiled back at him was all he needed in that moment.
A sudden shiver worked through Dean's body, decidedly breaking the moment. He hadn't realize how cold he had gotten. "Not that's is not nice here but- I'm starting to fucking freeze, can we go back now?"
"Of course." Castiel conceded easily. He pulled Dean up by his hand and not letting go of it they slowly made their way back to the car. If there was the odd glance in their direction, Castiel chose to ignore it. It might just as likely be from seeing two men holding hands as from the fact that at face value they made quite a mismatched pair. It was rather unlikely that someone would outright stop them demanding to know the age of the person whose hand he was holding.
Hope you're all looking forward to the second half of the chapter now.