A/N: Hi. I am so, so sorry it took me this long to post, but I have most definitely not abandoned this story.
I could bore you with details how busy life was and how my health has bothered me again, but I won't, I much rather just give you this chapter and hope you enjoy it. It really is more of a filler, need to move the plot along, chapter, a bit like getting all the pieces on a chessboard in the right positions. I'm afraid it hasn't got much DeanCas interaction but they will meet again in the next chapter.
Also I am excited that I almost made it to the end. The rest of the chapters are all outlined and I really am going to try my damn hardest to get this fic finished before S11 starts (at least I can try, right?)
"You never guess who showed up at the shop today, asking for a Saturday job."
Jody stuck her head out of the en-suite bathroom, toothbrush in mouth and giving Bobby a 'go on' look, accompanied by a raised eyebrow.
"Dean, that's who. Almost dropped the wrench I had in my hand. Dunno what you did to get through to him, but that boy's definitely trying to turn his life around. Did not leave 'til I hired him. Damn well made him squirm for a bit." Bobby chuckled,
Jody held up her hand indicating she'd be out in a second and quickly went to rinse out her mouth. This was good news. Dean taking her advice on getting himself a job as well showing up at school again regularly, and agreeing to work with the school counselor, would go some way at proving to the judge that he was serious about his rehabilitation. Jody knew a thing or two about how to work the system and she had set Dean down shortly after their little excursion, coming up with a plan on damage limitation. But as pleased as she was about the news that Dean was starting to implement said plan with full force, she dreaded the next bit; the conversation that undoubtedly would have to happen; talking about what got Dean to this place in the first place.
So far Bobby had not pressed for any information about that weekend when Dean and her had all but disappeared, and John had been suspiciously quiet on the subject of Dean's sudden 'reform', apparently happy with the new status quo. But she knew that this state of affairs would only last so long. Questions would get asked and she would have to confide in them, or her husband at least. A uneasy flutter in her gut told her that the time for this had most likely come. She would love to have her husband on her side when everything unavoidably would have to be communicated to John. But she would be lying if she said she was in any way ready for this, and silently prayed she could put this particular talk off for just a bit longer.
"That's good news." She said, putting on a smile as she walked back into the room, where Bobby was rested on the bed, propped up with cushions against the headboard, book on his lap. Jody busied herself with changing into her pajamas, feeling Bobby's eyes burning a hole into her back.
"You ever gonna tell me what ya did with that boy? One minute he's hell bent on self-destruction, next he's all Mr. Goodie Two Shoes."
"I- he-" Jody sighed, then took in a big steadying breath. "You most likely will not like what I have to say."
"Jody, that boy was on the brink of turning into his old man, from where I stand ya did good, even if it mighta been not by the book. I know how you tick, that's why I married you." Bobby said, giving his wife a fond smile.
She plunked herself down on her side of the bed, turning to face her husband as she worked her fingers through her hair, letting out another sigh.
"I need you to keep an open mind here."
"Very cryptic, I don't need to call the cops on ya or anything?" Bobby ribbed fondly, although he was ever so slightly unnerved by the way his wife seemed to avoid giving an actual answer, she was not normally this tight lipped.
"Ok- we all know well enough why Dean went off the way he did and that-"
"Oh, for the love of God, just spit it out, whatever it is."
Jody inhaled deeply. Might as well pull the band aid off in one swoop. "I took Dean to see Castiel." She let the words hang between them as she observed her husband, face going from surprise to shock before his expression became neutrally blank.
"You wanna run this by me again?"
"I- I took him to see Castiel, because we all know he's at the heart of all this and despite what we might have all hoped- time and distance was not gonna resolve any of it, Dean was not letting it go, and it was slowly killing him."
"You-" Jody could sense that Bobby had a hard time holding his temper in, he gulped in quick succession as he looked for the right words, opening and closing his mouth.
"Look, you can be mad at me if you want, but plainly, John, for all his good intentions, had no idea how to deal with the situation and was hiding behind his new job. Not like Dean would have listened anyway." Bobby let out a small affirmative huff at the truth of the statement. "But we were out of options and kind of on the clock being as Dean went from bad to worse at record speed, and it was the only thing I could think of that might work."
"But- you didn't think to check in with me first? I can understand why ya didn't wanna tell John, because he would have just flipped, but- I don't actually know what to say. Na- I know exactly what I would like to say on the matter, that it was crazy and against everything John had tried to achieve, but-" He gave his wife an exasperated look.
"That's why I didn't say anything, look, I'm sorry I went behind your back but-"
Bobby cut off his wife. "I'm not mad, just- this is outta left field. What the hell actually happened?"
Jody shuffled on the bed, turning to face her husband head on. "At the time- I guess I just wanted to appeal to Castiel, make him understand that Dean- to tell Dean to let go of this infatuation, to tell him to think of his future and to stop hurting himself. I thought if Dean would listen to anyone it would be Castiel, but- well let's just say things worked out slightly differently than I had planned.
"Meaning?"
"I didn't account for Castiel to be very forward about his feelings for Dean. Also, he said some things that made me think, about trusting Dean's judgment. I just wanted to give Dean the option to make up his own mind, make him feel like his voice matters. At the start of this trip, I promised him an open mind. I tried to listen to him and let him call his own shots. And well, long story short, they both remain adamant on this relationship, if you want to call it that, and I don't know. I was all for the clean break, for keeping Dean away from the man's influence, but seeing them together -there is just something between them. I haven't seen Dean that happy in a long time and-"
"So just like that it's ok in your book to have an adult involved with an underage boy?"
"No, of course it's not!" Jody stated emphatically. "But we actually don't know exactly how involved they were- are - nor will we ever, most likely. I'm not naïve enough to think all they did that weekend was hold hands, and yes, I turned the other way and did not ask. But- just look at the change in Dean." Jody looked at her husband, willing him to understand.
"I'm going out on a whim here, it was either risk this, under as controlled conditions as possible, and see how it would play out or risk losing Dean. And to be frank, at the time the risk of Dean continuing down this dark path was the most likely scenario, and I was not just going to stand by or ignore the situation like John was. You said it yourself, it's like he's a changed person.
Bobby nodded deep in thought. "I take it John doesn't know any of this."
"Of course not, not yet anyway."
"Oh my, that's one shit-storm and a half waitin' to happen, but I know ya know that." Bobby worked his hands over his thinning hair.
"Yes, and when that happens I- Dean will need all the support he can get, and so will John."
"This will not just go away, will it?" Bobby's voice sounded almost pleading.
"No, at least not for a while. I think we have to face the facts and make our peace with the situation for what it is, and somehow stop it from blowing up in everyone's faces."
"When are you planning on telling John?"
"Let's get the hearing out of the way first. One hurdle at a time."
"Sounds like a plan." Bobby finally put the book aside and huddled under the blankets, waiting for his wife to follow before turning out the bedside lamp, and wrapping her up in his arms in a show of silent comfort.
#
Castiel woke up with a jolt, heart hammering in his chest, the chiding of 'child molester' still ringing in his ears. He'd had this dream, or variations thereof a fair few times over these last weeks, and they always left him perturbed. He probably should talk to someone, but struggling with emotional and moral dilemmas of having sexual relations with an underage boy wasn't exactly a topic you just brought up over a cup of coffee. And it wasn't like he could just get some counseling for what was troubling him, not without some serious repercussions. He hadn't even spoken to his brother about the recent developments with regards to Dean. As far as Gabriel was aware, Castiel was still moping around the house and very much Dean-less, and his brother hardly missed a chance in reminding him that it was for the best in the long run and that he would come out the other side eventually.
Castiel made the decision there and then to call his brother and just tell him. This whole situation was getting to him and Gabriel by far and large was the closest he had to an impartial confidante. He rubbed at his eyes. They were itching and felt puffy, no doubt due to his staying up all night marking papers. He just had trouble getting to sleep these days and found it easier staying productive until he literally dropped where he stood.
Castiel turned and chanced a look at his phone. 10.15 am. He heaved a sigh. He must have forgotten to set his alarm last night. Luckily, he was not due at university until the afternoon. Still he never slept this late on a weekday, it just showed the abysmal state he was in. He got up with a grunt and despite feeling like death warmed over proceeded to make his bed, meticulously, like he did every morning before padding into the bathroom. A glance in the mirror confirmed his earlier suspicion as to the state of his eyes, big dark circles underlining just how exhausted he really was. He knew he needed to get his sleep problem under control somehow; it was slowly messing up his whole routine. Even now he would rather crawl back into bed than get into the shower and try and make himself presentable to the world. God, he felt like he was suffocating most days.
Of course he was well aware that his particular sour mood this morning was at least in part due to the fact that today would be Dean's sentencing hearing. The teenager had been found guilty of theft, and he would love nothing more than to be there with him, help him through this, just like a partner should. But Castiel knew that even if his job hadn't kept him from going, him being there would have been an all around bad idea.
Dean had called last night just as Castiel had sat down to grade some papers, and despite trying to sound upbeat, Castiel had heard the strain and worry in the normally exuberant voice. If he had been there with Dean, he would have wrapped him up in his arms, stroked his hair in that fashion that he had come to learn calmed Dean down. Basically, Castiel had felt pretty damn useless, just talking wasn't good enough sometimes. He missed the teenager. The lack of Dean's presence was like a physical ache, more ever since those two days they had spent together. But that was something he could dwell on another time, once all the immediate problems had been eradicated.
Dean had promised someone would call him as soon as they were done and what time was it now? Had he missed the call while he was in the shower? Castiel raced back to his room, the phone blinking at him. Damn, what if Dean was sentenced and he missed the call? He quickly swiped across the screen sighing with relief when he saw that it had not been Jody's' number. There were two missed calls and both were from Amelia.
Castiel knew he should call her back. Like pretty much everyone else, he had been avoiding her lately. He didn't particularly feel up to social interactions in general and to the kind that would without doubt lead to uncomfortable questions in particular, no matter how well intended they were. A small part of him felt guilty and dirty, almost undeserving of anyone's affection, which brought his thought process back to square one. He needed to find a way of dealing with his conflicting emotions before they would tear him apart.
He was a mess and only clung to the hope that in time this rollercoaster of opposing emotions would settle and merge into something more manageable and eventually disappear. He did not regret his decision with regards to Dean; he really did love the teenager in that all encompassing, for good and for bad kind of way. But his upbringing and conscience was working against him and too often he found himself alone with his thoughts, accusing him of giving in too easily, not having been strong enough and not having Dean here by his side did not help. It only made his daily monotony and the voices in his head worse. The only thing grounding him was Dean's phone calls and that was kind of a heavy burden to place on the shoulders of someone so young.
Castiel was halfway through preparing some well-needed coffee when the doorbell rang. He abandoned the brewing drink and headed for the door.
"Amelia?" He had a hard time hiding the surprise in his voice.
"Hi Cassie."
"What are you doing here?"
"I've got a day off work and thought I might as well check in on you, as you continue to ignore my calls." Castiel flinched slightly at that.
"I apologize. I was going to call you back, promise."
"Well, I'm here now and I didn't come empty handed." She waved a deliciously smelling bag in front of his face, no doubt containing an assortment of pastries.
Before Castiel could invite his ex-wife in, she squeezed past him and straight into the kitchen.
"Oh just in time for some coffee by the smell of it." The voice drifted out into the hallway as Castiel closed the front door. He sighed. It was nice to see Amelia, it really was, he just wasn't sure he was up for a conversation.
Amelia busied herself, taking out plates before finishing off the coffee for Castiel, motioning for him to sit at the table. She looked so at ease here, of course she would he reminded himself; she used to live here after all.
"Eat, drink. You look like you need it." She put a plate with two kinds of pastries in front of him, and then carried over the mugs before pulling up a chair and joining Castiel at the table, just studying his face.
Castiel tried to ignore the searching gaze and managed for all but one minute before it made his skin crawl with unease.
"What?" It sounded slightly snippier than he had intended it to.
"You look like crap." The bluntness took Castiel by surprise.
"No need to sugarcoat it." He huffed into his coffee, despite knowing only too well how accurate her assessment was.
"No, but really. What is going on with you? You don't want to go out, you do not call, cutting yourself off even more than usual. I know you, in case you forgot, and seeing you like this- I've seen you like this before, something is eating away at you and I'm concerned."
"I'm fine."
"Cassie, I'm your friend, at least I thought I was, so-"
"Of course you are. Just- there are things you can't help me with, I have to-"
"So there is something wrong?"
"Please just let it rest." He pleaded.
"I wish you would tell me, but ok. Just please, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" She implored putting a comforting hand on Castiel's arm.
Just at that moment Castiel's phone chimed and his heart missed a beat at seeing Jody's number light up.
Without thinking he hit the accept button, heart now hammering in his chest, Amelia all but forgotten.
"Hello, Jody?"
"Cas! It's me. Oh my god!" Dean's sounded excited.
"What happened?"
"They gave me a conditional discharge, I can't believe, it! Cas, can you believe it?"
"That is wonderful, Dean." Cas sighed with relief, feeling a big weight being lifted off his shoulders.
"Yeah, apparently all this turning my life around shit really impressed them, I just can't believe it. I am going to be alright."
"How long will you stay in the system for?"
"If I don't get into any trouble in the next 2 years, they will discharge me from the system, that means no record. This is so- Jody's the bomb with all her advice, she knew exactly what they wanted to hear."
Castiel chuckled at Dean's exuberance. It felt like the first real smile in days. He got up from his chair, just needing to move, feeling a sudden rush of nervous energy go through him. "I wish I could hug you right now."
"Yeah, I want you here so bad, but soon, right? Now that this is over, we can start working all this out and I can see you again." Dean sounded so hopeful and thrilled it pulled another small smile from Castiel.
"Yes, we will work something out, definitely. It has been too long already. But for now enjoy what you have. I am so happy for you. You deserve this."
"Not so sure about that but- I take what I can get."
"Dean, you know me, I do not just hand out compliments willy nilly, you have worked very hard over these last weeks and I am incredibly proud of you."
Castiel could basically feel Dean's self-depreciating eye-roll, and it saddened him that Dean still at times didn't see his own worth. One day he would make him believe these words.
"Thanks, I guess- oh- gotta go. Everyone is waving at me madly; and dad's there- so you know- We're going for some food now to celebrate. Damn, why can't you be here? I miss you so much."
Castiel chuckled. "Go have a burger for me."
"Double cheese, no bacon." Dean's grin carried through in his voice. Castiel had no trouble imagining the bright, careless smile on that handsome face.
"You know it".
"Gotta scramble- Love you so much." Dean's voice was so bright and warm, Castiel could feel his stomach flutter at the words, and the plain honesty behind them floored him.
"Love y-" Castiel was just about to say it back like he normally did at the end of their calls when Amelia came into focus, looking at him perplexed, jaw open.
"I- we will talk later, I'm kind of in the middle of something here. Go enjoy your food."
"Sure will, I see if I can get the phone off Jody later, bye."
Dean disconnected the call and Castiel was left in the quiet of the kitchen, his ex-wife's gaze piercing him.
"Was that Dean? As in Dean Winchester?"
"Ye-ah?!" Castiel offered up hesitantly, not sure how much she had gleaned about their relationship from just his side of the conversation, but that didn't stop the sudden lump from forming in his throat. This was why he avoided people, less chance of someone finding out his dirty little secret.
"You are in contact with Dean?" She sounded confused.
"Yes."
"And- you didn't think to tell me?" Her voice slowly took on a hostile undertone that had Castiel bemused.
"Damn Cassie! You know how worried I was for them when they just vanished off the face of the earth and here you are talking to Dean- and you didn't think it was important enough to tell me?"
"I'm sorry." He offered up meekly, suddenly feeling like the worst human being. With all his own personal drama, he had never even thought about letting Amelia know that the Winchester brothers were alive and well.
"How long? Were you even considering ever telling me? This is so unbelievably selfish of you." She fixed him with a glare, not hiding the hurt or disappointment.
"Only for about six weeks and-" Castiel swallowed nervously. "Honestly, I don't know why I did not tell you." White lie, he knew exactly why, but what else could he tell her? He couldn't tell her that he and Dean had not only entered into but also consummated their very illegal relationship and ever since then he had trouble getting a grip on himself and reality. And most definitely not that he was dying with longing to do it again. To feel Dean in his arms, hear those delicious sounds as he kissed him all over and that he was slowly going crazy. Instead he offered up an apologetic smile.
"I am really, really sorry. Of course I know how much you care for the boys and it was incredibly selfish of me to forget."
Amelia accepted his apology with a small nod. "Are- but they're they ok? What did you mean by Dean staying in the system? Are they not staying with their father? I thought he managed to straighten himself out."
"Yes, yes they are. Dean just had some trouble adjusting and got himself into some trouble with the police, but he is turning himself around. Sam has settled into his new school well as far as I know, I only managed to speak to him once over these weeks."
Amelia nodded. "So how come you're back in contact with them? They seemed pretty hell bent on cutting all ties to their life in Chicago."
Castiel actually choked on the sip of coffee he had just taken, thankful for the time it took him to clear his throat as it gave him time to think.
"Just-" Oh, how he hated lying, had never been good at it despite proof to the contrary by the fact that he had successfully hidden his homosexuality for most of his life.
Suddenly another thought seemed to occur to Amelia. "Is this why you behaved so weird lately? Is there something- is everything ok with their father? I know you and him had trouble before, is he giving you or the boys grief?"
"What? No-" Castiel replied quickly, hearing the sudden worry clear and loud in his former wife's voice. He regretted his outburst a second later, as this could have been a perfect out for him. He could have just fabricated something about trouble with John and how it had preoccupied his mind.
"What is it then? Just talk to me."
Castiel needed this conversation to end five minutes ago, as he could feel his resolve crumble. He was just so goddamn tired.
"Nothing." He said defensively, sounding like an insolent ten year old.
Amelia was going over the bits of conversation she overhead. She had been able to make out bits of what Dean had been saying; the boy was near enough shouting half the time. She had had no intention of prying but some words were coming back to her now that the initial shock of it having been Dean Winchester on the other end of that call had abided. She examined her memories for any clues why Castiel looked like he was five seconds away from fainting.
"Wait!" She looked at him with a sudden change in demeanor that had Castiel cringe.
"Did Dean tell you that he loved you?!" It was as much a question as a statement.
"NO." Castiel protested. He needed to stay calm. He knew he had to. Did she know? How could she possibly know? There had been times when he had wanted to confide in Amelia, hoped for her understanding but that had been before he and Dean had gone all the way. That had changed the playing field.
"And- you almost said it back! You were about to say it- Isn't that a bit- inappropriate? I know you have always been kind of close to Dean but- Castiel, what is going on?"
"Just leave it alone, please." He begged dejected, tired of trying to come up with an elaborate lie. He placed his mug on the table and walked out of the kitchen and up into the living room. He could not bear to be in the same room any longer. He sat down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. This was not how he had imagined this day to go.
There was silence for a long time, to the point where Castiel wondered if he had somehow missed Amelia leaving. He would not blame her if she had. He had been rude and brushed her off. After everything he had put her through in the past he wouldn't blame her at all if she would finally give up on him or, if she had managed to figure it out, called the police.
Eventually he heard footsteps that came closer and felt the couch next to him dip, but he could not look up. Arms came around to hug him and he wanted to shrug them off but instead he leaned into the touch, craving this small display of human affection.
"So Dean-" came the soothing but questioning voice along with fingers carding through his hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh god- I'm so, so sorry-" He couldn't stop the verbal vomit. He had no idea what he even apologized for.
Castiel felt Amelia stiffen beside him, as she sat up straight. "Castiel, look at me. What did you do?" She sounded worried now.
"I tried so hard, I did not want to- you have to believe me- it just happened."
"What happened?" His ex-wife probed gently, although there was a distinct hint of apprehension in her voice.
"I and Dean- we- I-" He couldn't get himself to meet Amelia's eyes.
"Oh my god!" Castiel recoiled at the sharp tone in her voice. It sounded like she finally put two and two together. "Did you? No, you wouldn't. You're a good man. You would not do something like that. You would not defile a kid- " She actually swayed back.
"No, not like that, no- but- I do love him." The admittance settled heavily between them as Amelia took another shuffle away from Castiel.
"What? How can you- he's just a-"
"He loves me, too." Castiel replied for the first time meeting Amelia's eyes.
"He's a kid!"
"He's Dean." Castiel stated simply, like that would explain everything.
"Oh my god. Please tell me you did not abuse a child, Dean was like twelve when we met him." Amelia got up off the couch and started pacing.
"NO. Never, not back then, I mean I never abused- it's-" He sighed, going for broke. "I will tell you if you will listen, please listen before you condemn me." He pleaded and could have cried with relief when Amelia nodded her head.
"I guess the falling in love part happened over time, gradually, for me at least. As you said, I always liked him but not like that- anyway, I have been aware for a long time that Dean had feelings for me. He did not exactly hide them. And I always cared for him; you know that. Despite his young age we always had a special connection." He briefly looked up at Amelia before focusing on his hands in his lap again.
"You know about all the trouble Dean had with his father, but you never knew why. In part it was because he found out that Dean liked men as well as women. And I thought I could guide him through it, be his mentor, like I wished I had someone there for me when I had to figure it all out. But then- when I realized I started to feel something more for him I pulled away, I was trying to do the right thing, please believe me." Another beseeching look went up towards his ex-wife who had stopped pacing and was looking at him intently.
"But somehow our lives kept intertwining and yes, part of me wanted him around, and then just before last Christmas we kissed, I did not stop it and I know that this is on me. I was just so tired of fighting my feelings and Dean had never hidden his. We agreed to explore a platonic relationship until he would be of age. But then his father found one of my texts to him and figured it all out and made them all stay in Sioux Falls and threatened me with consequences should I ever contact them again. I had no idea how they were doing. Then a few months later Jody called, telling me Dean pretty much self-destructed and if I could help her talk some sense to him. So they came here and we did talk- and- and Dean and I are together in the loosest of terms."
"But it's-" Amelia's wide eyes and open mouth did not escape Castiel, but he needed to finish explaining himself before he would allow her to pronounce judgment on him.
"Believe me, I know it is considered wrong but should it be if we are both feeling the same way? If we both talked it over and agreed on this? I never coerced him into anything. We both want a relationship, and it's not like- Dean's nearly seventeen, and oh my god, I know what that sounds like" Castiel gasped, working his shaking hands through his hair. "But Dean is also very mature for his age and- well anyway, he has things he needs to do before we can move into anything resembling a normal relationship but I am willing to wait. And before you call the police or child services on me, consider that Jody is fully aware of the situation. She is a sheriff and she probably knows Dean and his situation better than most."
Castiel chanced a proper look at Amelia after his monologue and found her looking shocked, clearly trying to absorb the information.
"But he's- so young. How can you even think he knows what he wants?"
"Honestly, on a bad day I ask myself the same question. But when I talk with him- you know he's more mature than most people his age, and I have to trust his judgment. I would never want to do anything he didn't want me to."
"And everyone knows?"
"No, only Jody and Sam know about our ongoing involvement."
"Of course Sam would know." A small snort escaped her and Castiel looked up and met her eyes. She held his gaze as she sat down again next to him.
"I- I don't know what to say. For one, I'm not sure if I should be more concerned about his well-being or yours. Castiel, I am your friend and I can see the strain this puts on you, and you know this cannot end well."
Castiel let out a derisive snort. "So everybody keeps telling me, and yet here we are. And Dean is doing better than he has in months. And despite everything so am I. I have hope. I don't expect you to understand, but if there's a chance Dean would want a future with me, I want that."
"And it's still only platonic?"
"Well, being as we don't see each other." If Amelia caught on to him avoiding answering the question directly, she did not show it for which Castiel was grateful.
"I think I will need time to think about this. Also, it would help me to talk this through with someone." Amelia shifted on the couch, clearly conflicted.
"But that-"
"I know. I want to understand you- this - But it is a lot to process and I don't have all the information I need. Just your account of things. Maybe it would be good to talk to someone who does. Do you think it would be ok for me to contact this Jody?"
"Oh- yes. I mean, I can certainly ask her."
"I don't want to condemn you but every fiber in my body right now tells me what you're doing is wrong but I also know you, and believe you when you say that you did not take advantage of a vulnerable kid. But for the life of me I can't envisage Dean as anything other than a kid right now. Maybe that's because I haven't seen him in so long."
"That is more than I can ask for." Castiel knew that it would be in her right to condemn him, and he would not hold it against her, but for now there remained hope that their friendship would not be broken over this. He felt undeserving but grateful nonetheless.
He promised Amelia to call Jody later and if she was agreeable to pass on her number.
By the time he finally made it to his afternoon lecture, his head was drumming out a steady beat behind his right eye. He felt vulnerable and drained after the morning's events. The ride on the emotional rollercoaster had left him exhausted. But despite that, just the knowledge that Dean had escaped some possibly dire consequences to his juvenile actions and the teenager's continuous declaration of love put a small spring in his step.
#
Dean bolted down the stairs, doing up the button of his jeans and cursing under his breath while simultaneously trying very hard no to wake up the rest of the household. He somehow managed to not hear his alarm and now he only had about 5 minutes for breakfast if he didn't want to be late for work. It was only his third Saturday working for Bobby and Dean didn't want to give the wrong impression. He really enjoyed working for the gruff man, despite most of his current duties involving playing gopher to the actual mechanics. But Bobby always found time to teach him something about engines and cars in general, and promised that soon Dean would get to actually get his hands dirty with grease.
He took a turn into their kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he saw John sitting at the small table wedged against the far wall. Dean grumbled out a 'good morning, sir' before walking to the fridge and pulling out some ingredients for making a quick sandwich. He heard his father clear his throat behind him but tried his best to ignore it. Their interaction over these last few months could be described as formal at best. Too much had been left unsaid and unresolved, and if it had not been for Jody and Bobby's insistent nagging, Dean would much rather just ignore his dad completely. He hadn't, nor would he ever, forgive his father for what he had said about Cas and more so for taking him away from the man. But for whatever it was worth, he'd had years of practice of dealing with his father, knew how to be cordial if he needed to be. Generally a few short chosen words in response to his dad's question kept the peace. Dean only hoped that John would not be in one of his rare inquisitive moods, but as he heard another, more insistent, cough behind him, realized that he had no such luck.
"Sit down for a moment, will you?" John finally broke the silence.
"I'm already running late." Dean informed his dad without looking up from his sandwich.
"It's just gonna take a minute, son."
"Fine." Dean huffed and pulled turned around to face John but not quite meeting his father's eyes.
"I just want to say, I'm proud of you, the way you're turning things around after all that- you know."
'No thanks to you', Dean would have loved to reply, instead he bit his tongue and gave a nod in acknowledgement.
"You had me worried there for a while, but seeing you now, it just confirms that I made the right call moving here."
Dean had to actually bite his tongue to stop himself from barking at his dad that he would not have gotten himself into this mess in the first place if John had left well enough alone. Something must have shown in his face though as his dad sighed, running his hand through his graying hair.
"Look, I know you were real mad at me but you have to admit it's all worked itself out for the better. Sammy seems really happy and settled at his new school, my job is going well, and you- after you got all that anger out of your system, you have a job and are doing better in school, you made new friends, the right kind of friends."
Dean scoffed. "And what is the right kind of friends?" He couldn't help himself.
"The kind that doesn't get you into trouble or takes advantage of you."
Dean gulped. He was not sure if his father intended the snide remark at Castiel or at those guys he used to hang around with for booze and cigarettes. But regardless, Dean felt indignation rising.
"Not like you then." The words were out before he could stop himself.
John looked affronted but tried to keep his composure. "Dean! We've been over this, I was a shitty dad, now I'm trying to make up for it. That's why- I was wondering. Why don't you ask that nice girl out to go to junior prom with you? If you think money would be a problem, I have some cash saved up and-"
"What girl?" Dean asked with an obvious air of confusion.
"That nice one with the dark hair, who has been to our house a few times."
"Lisa? You do know that she's just my English tutor."
"That might be so but she clearly likes you."
"Well, I don't like her- I mean I do but not like that."
John sighed. "What's wrong with her? She's pretty and smart and I have seen the way she makes you laugh."
Ugh, Dean wanted to scream. Yes, she was a nice girl and if they had met under different circumstances he might have wanted to tap that. But he was not interested in the slightest because his heart belonged to someone else and it was in moments like this that he just wanted to scream that simple truth from the rooftops.
"Nothing's wrong with her, I just don't want to go out with her."
"How would you know until you take her on a date or two?"
"Wow! I definitely don't want to take her on a date." Dean got up signaling the end of the discussion as far as he was concerned. Behind him his dad let out a labored breath.
"Is this- this is not still about this liking guys stuff. Dean, that's no way to live your life. You know how hard people like that have it, and you used to like girls just fine until-" John stopped abruptly and Dean swiveled around. They had never as much as insinuated to the sheer existence of Castiel since they moved here.
"Until what? Just call a spade a spade."
"Do not make me say it." John gritted out between clenched teeth. The calm exterior all but vanished.
Dean knew he shouldn't, knew it was like poking a hornet's nest but he could not help himself. Dad not being ok with him liking guys as well as girls, that he could come to terms with, but dad blaming Cas for turning him gay or whatever version of truth his old man had conjured up in his head, Dean could not stand for that.
"Go on, say it." He goaded, arms protectively over his chest.
"Until you were corrupted by that individual you all trusted even though I told you otherwise."
"Cas, his name is CAS." Dean spat out. "And you never liked him, you just needed an excuse to hate him more."
"You can't seriously still be loyal to that piece of-"
"Don't you dare!" Dean yelled. "Don't you dare call him that! He is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and he cares for me, unconditionally, whether I get myself into some shit or do something he doesn't agree with. You know what that's called- Love. He never stopped believing in me even when I was a stupid son of a bitch, and I know that even if I had been convicted he would have stood by me, he told me-" Dean clamped his mouth shut, staring wide eyed at a suddenly seething John. Why didn't he just shut the hell up.
"You- he- you two are still in contact? You directly disobeyed me and went back to that- that- is that why you don't want to go and date some nice girl because- that pervert still has his hooks in you and you LET HIM?"
John gripped Dean by the collar of his shirt and pushed him against the wall. "All this was for nothing, I've tried, I fucking tried but you just don't want to be helped-"
"I don't need you help!" Dean wheezed.
John let go of Dean as if burned. "It's like I don't even know you anymore. I tried but- I'm fucking done." He yelled as he ran out of the kitchen, kicking over the chair and pushing the half full coffee mug off the table. A moment later the front door banged shut and Dean heard the roar of the Impala coming to life. Shit, now he had no way of getting to work.
Dean sank to the floor; eyes shining with unshed tears. He rubbed at them furiously. He had done it again. When would he learn to just keep his trap shut? Jody had said she and Bobby would break the situation about Cas to John at an opportune moment and now it was all in taters. He could only pray that John wouldn't do anything stupid like make true on his old threats of reporting Castiel just for the sake of it.
Dean felt like curling up into a ball and never move again, an almost forgotten longing for a strong drink helping him forget just for a bit made itself known with a vengeance. But he knew that not showing up for work was not an option, not unless he wanted to dig this hole deeper. He needed to be responsible, take ownership of the situation, or how would anyone ever take him serious again when he said that he knew what he wanted in life.
He would have to call Bobby and ask for a lift. And explain about how stupid he'd just been and warn them of the impending storm. Also he desperately wanted to call Cas to give him the heads up of this sudden development, for which he needed Jody's phone.
Fuck it, he thought. The secret was out now, so what could his dad do if he went out and got himself a cheap phone. He quickly went back to his room, trying his best not to wake Sammy as he dug out some money from where he was stacking it in his closet, intent on going to the electronics store on the way home. He could think about how to fix this while at work.