Church, Italy

"I'm pretty sure 'Church' is not a city in Italy… Ddraig please stop editing the script as you please, I'm begging you here."

My name is Issei and I will be taking you on a tour of this church that I am currently residing in… or what's left of it.

On your right, you can take a look at the topless sexy nuns sharing a hot passionate kiss (tongue included) with each other. One of them was a buxom blonde with a rocket rack while the other was what Ddraig and I dubbed as Pedobait.

And on your left is the kitchen where a team of biosafety specialists have been called in after I began cooking food for everyone.

[That is not food, I'm cringing more from watching your cooking skills than Michael accidentally piercing Azazel in the rectum from a misfired light spear during the Great War. It's a damn biological weapon].

Nice try Ddraig. Everyone who tried my food loved it, in fact they were probably stunned from the sheer flavour of my cooking. Look at Satan Lucifer for example.

[If by flavour you mean melting their tongues and/or their internal organs off then I would be inclined to agree. Anyway your example is invalid. Lucifer is dead… most likely from your cooking I presume.]

I liked it better when you were high. Why must you have so much more logic while not under the influence…?

Suddenly an image of Ddraig putting on sunglasses appeared in my mind.

[Deal with it.]

As I continued walking down the hallway, one of the men in the hazmat suits approached me with a form in his hand interrupting my conversation with Ddraig.

"Sir, we're going to need you to fill out the following risk assessment form and we need you to tell us who was responsible in the kitchen last night." He sounded rather irritated.

"What're you going to do after finding out who was in the kitchen?" This was surprising… usually everyone left satisfied after eating my meals.

[Satisfied = Dead. Stop cooking, save lives.]

"We'll have to call the relevant authorities since there is a known chemical weapon located in the kitchen. The one responsible will probably be arrested and fined a minimum of 500,000 dollars."

"Err…" Just as I was about to make up a fake answer, my problems were solved by the guy that came into the church looking like he just cut himself with a penknife.

I came to the conclusion that he was probably a DQN-type chuunibyou who is trying to act anti-social and cutting himself to get pity points from the ladies. Too bad this doesn't work most of the time, I know this because I tried it before.

Pointing at the guy I casually whispered to the hazmat man. "He did it. It was all him, he forced everyone here to hide him or else he would harm the children."

"Harm the children you say?" The hazmat man took out his phone and pointed it at the guy. I took a peek on the screen while his attention was focused on the loading bar. Once it was done, it read 'Diodora Astaroth (Devil), Wanted Level: A, Kill or Capture on sight.'

"Hey kid, I'll handle this guy. Get everyone to the safest place in the church." I complied with his instructions and got everyone to the basement room.

Though I had trouble trying to pry the same two nuns apart since they were still lip locked in the same right wing room.

I swear, when those two start scissoring the whole church starts shaking.

Returning to the main hall, right in front of the hazmat man a suitcase was suddenly materialized from thin air.

[Ooh! A fight! I'm betting on the Devil dude though.] Ddraig casually commented while taking out imaginary popcorn from… somewhere.

Jeez, cheer for the heroes at least. But yeah, I'm putting my money on the Devil dude too. I took seat behind the altar and began spicing up the battle with my live commentary.

As I took my time walking to the back of the stand, the two of them were already beginning their foreplay and the sounds of swords clashing against swords resounded throughout the main hall.

Placing the relevant pages of the script on the stand, I quickly glanced through the relevant information and memorized them in my head. Ddraig always has a copy with him as well.

Tampering with the controls under the stand, I adjusted the smoke effects to give this place the atmosphere it needs and deserves. Just to be safe, I initiated the disco ball program installed by the previous head nun before she retired for an extended Saturday night fever.

Tapping the mic a few times, I began "testing testing 1, 2, and 3. Welcome everyone to the annual church fight club. Today I'm your host Issei and our special guest is none other than the Red Dragon Emperor himself, Ddraig!"

I plugged Boosted Gear into the sound system and all of a sudden the sound effect of thousands of rabid fan-girls filled the halls.

[We got a sell-out crowd tonight! Couple hundred thousand people. What do you think of our contestants tonight Issei?]

"On the left corner with 10 years of Exorcism experience is Marcus 'reflector' Theodore, with his mastery over light weaponry and his sacred gear Dual Mirror he has slain over 20 middle-class devils!"

I used the controls below the altar to shine the spotlight over the guy in the Hazmat Suit and blinding him in the process. He then received a massive gash on his right shoulder courtesy of Diodora's conjured blades.

The script says here that Dual Mirror is a sacred gear that allows the addition of attack power from an opponent's own attack if the user is strong enough to parry that same attack.

[And on the right corner! DQN-type chuunibyou, Diodora Asaroth! After inflicting self-harm to his body, he attempted to make this church kick some nun chick out so he could add her to his harem! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Asaroth!]

The mental damage from Ddraig's verbal assault made Diodora take an extra step forward to regain his balance after tripping, causing him to run straight into Marcus's holy sword.

Diodora quickly twisted his body, loud cracking of bones could be heard as he narrowly avoided a fatal wound to his heart by redirecting the location of the sword to his right shoulder.

Boos and jeers came out of the speakers this time.

"The crowd is going nuts! Looks like Mr. Asaroth is not so popular with the female crowd. I sure hope his fighting skill and performance can satiate this bloodthirsty audience and make up for his unpopularity."

"Hold it up folks, I got some new Intel from our team." I paused to catch my breath.

"Apparently Mr. Asaroth did not do his research on this church as well as we thought. All of the nuns located in this church are lesbians that either A. joined this church or B. got sent here from another church."

Crowd laughter followed, pouring out of the speakers like a free flow all-you-can-eat buffet.

[Wait he was trying to break up yuri (Girls' Love)? That's low… even for a devil.]

"Looks like the contestants have stopped?" Both Diodora and Marcus looked like they were whispering something to each other…

"And it looks like they're…" Their heads turned in sync towards the direction Ddraig and I were in.

[I'll give my advice now. Run.]

Detaching Boosted Gear from the sound system, I broke out into a sprint towards the exit of the church.

"You're not going anywhere… boy." Diodora sounded pretty miffed. His shoulder was still bleeding profusely though.

"Looks like you're not just a normal kid after all, and that Longinus…" Marcus said through his clenched teeth in silent fury attempting to endure the pain from his wounds.

That hazmat exorcist guy looked like he was about to pop a vein. Both of them were now pointing their weapons at me.

"Hey… let's try and talk this out? We should definitely settle this peacefully over tea and biscuits." I held both hands in a surrendering posture.

"How about… NO." Both of them replied at the same time then drew their weapons and struck me where I stood…

Chapter 2 End.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 23/11/2015
Last edited on: N/A