Airport, Italy

"The plane scheduled for the 6:30 PM flight will be departing in 20 minutes, all passengers…" The announcement echoed throughout the customs.

This airport just had a renovation and was one of the busiest ports in Italy as of now due to the sudden influx of tourists flying in to take a look at its newest facilities.

It had state-of-the-art security and only the best of the best were hired to patrol the grounds. The rich and famous had their private jets housed in this very airport. To even think of using anything less than the best was an insult.

As for our protagonist…

[Please tell me why we're in the female restroom?] Ddraig spoke. He already loaded a, 100 round Tommy gun of fucks in his head in preparation of whatever Issei had to say.

"The entrance to heaven uses female toilets." Issei casually replied, as if it was the most natural place to find an entrance into the holy land.

Ddraig was completely unprepared for such an idiotic reply that his mind shut itself down for about 15 seconds to protect his brain from mental damage.

[Ddraig system rebooting… *Windows 98 start-up sound*] While this was happening, Issei headed to the last stall in the restroom hoping that no one actually catches him and destroys him via SJWs by splashing his face all over Tumblr.

[Sweet mother of pudding… My head.] Clutching his head from the nausea caused by his sudden rebooting, Ddraig managed to slur out his question. [Explain to me how and why the entrance to heaven is in a female toilet?]

"The script says that the reason why female toilets are the easiest way to enter heaven due to the massive amount of 'holy water' that passes through." Ddraig stopped speaking entirely at this moment. "Ddraig you alive in there?" Issei worriedly asked.

Eyes twitching from irritation, Ddraig broke down and began unloading all of his fucks into Issei's brain. [Die you alien scum! I'll kill you and your planet!] Firing wildly, Ddraig unloaded his entire lifetime supply of fucks onto everything that moved. [You'll never take me alive!]

"Alright, here we go." Issei seemed to have ignored the fact that almost all of his brain cells were destroyed in Ddraig's little tantrum. But zero divided by anything was still zero, and so nothing of value was lost.

Issei stuck his head through the toilet and flushed himself down the drain. Not a moment too soon, he found himself in a large white marbled palace.

Heaven (Port Noah)

The scene was absolutely stunning. The sun on the horizon shined brightly, illuminating the entire landscape. If one were to find themselves suddenly brought to this paradise they would most certainly take their time to enjoy the scenery and rethink on their past.

The choir of angels could be heard from the castle in the sky as Issei continued walking towards the ticketing booth.

"Ticket for one." The angel behind the booth asked for Issei's particulars and whether he was visiting or here to receive judgement.

Lining up with the other tourists, Issei noticed that the crowd was a mix of devils, fallen angels and even Valkyries from Norse mythology. A male angel then addressed the crowd with a megaphone. "Ark 132, departing in 30 minutes. All passengers please board the ark."

"I swear if this ride takes me seven years I'm going to go kill myself." Issei thought to himself. The bells across the Ark began to chime, signalling its departure towards Heaven.

The trip was fairly uneventful since Issei was on the economy class deck at the bottommost part of the Ark. There were no windows or music but at least there was company from lions and tigers. Issei played poker with them but those damn tigers had amazing poker faces.

An announcement made through the speakers indicated that the ride was over and the passengers could leave the Ark. Upon stepping out from the darkness of the Ark's basement, Issei was greeted with a scenery of pure blinding white light.

"My eyes!" Clutching his face to protect his optical organs, he heard some people screaming around him. "I'm on fire! Honey, I'm on fire!" "I told you this place was nothing but bad news. Our son turned into ashes again! Next time we're going to Switzerland."

After his eyes got adjusted to the light, the image of serenity was burned into his mind. Clouds of pure white, rainbows and waterfalls of sparkling water. Doves were flying and birds were singing. Paradise lay just beyond those gates.

"This place, it's…" Stunned, astonished and brought to complete silence by the scene unfolding before him. Issei got on his knees and tears formed in his eyes from the mere sight was what lay beyond the gates.

Yes. Beyond these gates is heaven itself. Men, women, children and all living creatures aspire to one day reach this sacred land. Emotions welled up within Issei until it came bursting forth like a broken dam…

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Just like that.

Issei's PoV

Why. Why are there still stairs in heaven…?

"God fucking dammit! Michael you piece of shit!" I flipped the bird towards the golden city in the sky. It was sitting on several clouds and the only entrance to that city was to climb these endless flights of stairs.

I walked towards the customer service counter located at the base of the stairs.

"Hello, how can I help you?" The ditzy angel then spilled her coffee on her miniskirt when she moved her hand to greet me.

"Hot, hot, hot!" She quickly took off her skirt and gave everyone at the entrance a full view of her shapely ass.

I felt nothing. Not even a trace of arousal. I may need to see a doctor after this…

I heard a couple of screaming male voices behind me and saw them falling into gaps made by the clouds. They must have gotten turned on by the view of the angel's butt. Somehow, I felt like I lost as a man by not being sent into purgatory.

That angel ran off to somewhere and now I'm stuck here… Great. Absolutely amazing.

Ddraig you still there? [Die alien scum!] Well he's not going to be of any help to me. I resigned to my fate of climbing these horrid steps towards my holiday destination.

Dammit Michael, this is the reason why people don't want to go to heaven. Not because of their sins but because of these damn stairs.

Looking to the side, I can see a few skeletons laying around even though the people that were sent here are already dead. There were a couple of people selling food and miscellaneous items such as fortunes and charms on the side.

"Lamprey! Get your tasty roasted lamprey at mons'!" "Thirsty? Get a refreshing taste of crisp cloud water! Blessed by Lady Gabriel herself!" "Hey kid, want some used panties? Fresh off the stove."

That last one was quite suspicious but it's probably my fatigue getting to me. I then noticed the same delivery man that sent me my script through 'Nyaamazon' as I climbed further up the stairs.

"Hey! Good to see you again." I called out to him. He seems to be lost and was asking random people for directions.

"Oh it's you again. Hey! You have the still have that script right?" I took it out and showed it to him. He gave a sigh of relief and patted himself on the chest.

"You're a lifesaver! Could you skim through the Character Bio and find the person with the username Redhairbabe18_9_1_19?"

I wasn't too sure about the person he's asking for but the name checks out from one Rias Gremory. This person seems familiar to me but I just can't put my finger on it…

"Kuoh, Japan. You can find Rias Gremory there." He gave me a relieved smile before searching for something in his coat.

"I've been searching everywhere since I lost her address from dimensional interference." He then pulled out a magazine featuring some naked redhead girl with huge breasts kissing another girl with black hair and fallen angel wings behind her.

"It's a hentai magazine? I'm going to guess this Rias person bought it?" I have absolutely no idea why he suddenly decided to show me an ero-mag. The title read "A hot devil's passion: Rias x Akeno".

"Just to let you know, inter and cross-dimensional sale of goods have been getting a lot of hype lately. Our company strives to provide any service to our valued customers." He then took out a catalogue of new products and gave it to me.

"Our new products are very popular amongst our male and female consumers. Our latest in line of products shipped from Gamindustri includes music discs from 5pb., Goddess and Goddess Candidate(s) Body Pillows and Figurines (No Vert).

If you are a gold member, we also have location exclusives such as Prisma Illya Figurines. We also ship from a wide range of locations such as Fuyuki City, Halkeginia and more! Nyaamazon will always be there for you."

Ignoring the blatant advertisement, I took the catalogue and put it into my inventory. Ddraig went into standby mode to recharge at this point so I can't go into Balance Breaker to fly my way past these stairs.

"Alright! Finally going to get these deliveries done. See you later Mr. Issei2231. And take this as my thanks…" He suddenly switched to a robotic voice when pronouncing my username and suddenly, he opened a gap below our feet. I blinked and suddenly found myself straight at the entrance of the holy city.

Well... At least that saved a couple of paragraphs they could have written about me walking up these damn stairs. I'm going to need to have a few words with the architects working here… Like building a damn elevator.

My stomach began growling. Damn I must be hungrier than I thought… I think I'll have lunch at the usual Zadkiel's Bistro I guess…

(Omake) Koneko's plight

"Koneko please… you cannot stay in the ORC's room for the rest of your life." The handsome blond male was trying to coax our catgirl mascot to leave her safe haven.

"Don't wanna! She's out there… Just waiting for me to leave. She's exactly like my sister." Koneko could not stop shivering. The fear of 'Her' has made Koneko become a delusional shut-in. What was once a cool loli character has been reduced to nothing more than a traumatized mess.

What could have happened to cause our cheerful catgirl mascot to have become like this…? Let's rewind for a bit and look back to the day Raynare came to Kuoh.

It was a relatively peaceful day in Kuoh a few weeks back. Nothing eventful happened save for the few stray devils that wandered on the Gremory and Sitri's territory and the school turning co-ed due to the lack of births in Japan.

School was as boring as ever for Koneko. Having to purposely make a few mistakes on her tests so as to not attract unwanted attention and getting rid of the male students trying to take her pictures or touch her inappropriately. Her 'fanclub' dealt with the both groups swiftly.

Most students saw Koneko as a little sister figure that they could protect, not knowing that she has the strength to easily crush a dumbbell in her hands. It was this same strength that allowed her to serve Rias as her Rook piece after she saved Koneko from being prosecuted due to her sister murdering their previous master.

Taking a walk down the shopping district, Koneko sensed four figures in the alleyway bearing the scent of fallen angels. She immediately jumped into action, hiding her presence and tailing them to find out what they were planning.

She did not contact Rias or any of the ORC members due to the suddenness of their arrival. And she could lose them in this crowd the moment she takes her eyes off them.

She continued tailing them until they reached the abandoned church. Koneko could not continue due to the holy residue being emitted which weakens her powers and makes her vulnerable. She did not want to risk getting killed or injured.

Taking her phone out, she quickly accessed her phone's contact list and scrolled towards Rias's name. Pressing the call button, she never noticed the fallen angel sneaking behind her.

Koneko noticed the shadow growing from beneath her but it was too late. Raynare attacked (raped) her into submission and it was only due to the call picking up the moans and begging from Koneko that Rias managed to save her before permanent damage could be dealt to her chastity.

She now spends all of her time in seclusion with Gasper while eating snacks and playing yaoi games with Akeno. Kiba is still trying to break her out of this phase while Gasper is happy to finally have a box friend.

Happy End (Not)

Holy water is a euphemism for female urine (golden shower) in Japan.

This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.

And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 24/12/2015
Last edited on: N/A