We stop in Charlotte in the heat of the afternoon, ready for lunch and a chance to stretch our legs. The trip had been quiet for the most part. I think we both felt at peace as we left behind the town that had caused us so much stress. I know we'll be going back soon enough, but the farther we drive, the more I realize this escape with Damon was exactly what I needed.
"Have you been here before?" I ask, reminding myself to use each city as a backdrop in my search to know him.
"Once, many years ago. When I first turned and was trying to find a place in my new life. I traveled all over the east coast looking for a new home, spending a few years in each place. Drinking, exploring, mingling with the wrong people. Searching for a release. I jumped off a couple buildings, trying to find out how invincible I really was. Of course, none of those buildings exist anymore."
"You tried to kill yourself?" I'm half shock, half sadness as I search his face for any pain that might permeate his features. His face says nothing about the heartbreaking conversation we're having. Damon has always been overtly confident, cocky and sure of himself. I can't imagine a time in his life bad enough to make him want to end it all.
"This vampire life isn't exactly a walk in the park, kid. You've seen firsthand how our nature can overtake us and drive us to a place no one would choose for themselves."
I know he's right, but I can't get past the heaviness in my chest that's there when I think about him being so desperate, so alone. "So what made you want to live again?"
"I'm not sure, it's been so long. Maybe I turned my emotions off. Maybe my love for Katherine is really what kept me going. Maybe I was holding out hope for something better."
"Hmm." I try not to let the thought of Katherine somehow saving him get to me. She's never done anything to help anyone besides herself. I frown at the thought of him putting his hope in her.
"There are good parts. There are people that choose this life. If you can quell the predator desire, it changes everything. Colors are brighter. Sounds are clearer. Strength, freedom, speed, a constant sense of adventure and expectation. There is a wildness that goes beyond the hunt. You can run forever and not slow down. It's not always a curse."
"You know, sometimes when I daydream and think about being really happy, I picture myself running. Running free and wild through an open field. Running like nothing matters and nothing bad will ever catch me. It makes me feel so full, like I could float."
He looks at me with emotion I can't understand. He almost looks sad.
"It's not always a curse," he repeats.
Suddenly I feel like there's more meaning to his words than what's on the surface. It makes me uncomfortable.
"If we keep talking like this, I might have to start watching my back. Don't want you to turn me in my sleep," I chuckle nervously.
He laughs and turns away, ending the moment of sharing.
I'm thrown off, unsure of what just happened. Does he want me to become a vampire? I had made it clear to Stefan that I didn't want that for myself, but Damon and I had never even spoken about it. I've always know it wasn't an option for me. My dreams had always included kids, a family, a human husband. Not having to keep secrets or watch over my shoulder for a supernatural enemy. But the kids, the family, the white picket fence...hadn't I felt that dream fade ever since my parents died? Even in my relationship with Stefan, when I pictured a future with him, I knew I would never be a vampire. Granted, I didn't fully understand the logistics of growing old with someone who would never age, but I knew our love would make it. Or I thought.
We decide to stay in Charlotte for the night and get some rest. Even though he was joking earlier, Damon truly is a gentleman. He offers to pay for 2 separate rooms for us, but I'm fine sharing a room. I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it, but when I take inventory of my life, my relationships, Damon is the person I trust more than anyone in the world. I settle into my bed and think about what the next few months will be like. I can't deny the joy in my heart at the end of this first day. Even though Damon's confession was painful to hear, I felt closer to him because of it. Understanding a little bit better the vast span of emotions going on in his heart. I'm grateful he hadn't given up all those years ago, even if it was really thanks to Katherine.
"Damon?" I mumble, my voice already heavy with sleep.
"Hmm?"
"I'm glad you're still alive. That you chose to fight through whatever pain you felt. Even when you were all alone. I'm glad you still had hope "
He doesn't answer right away, and I look up at him to make sure I didn't cross an emotional line. I'm not sure if I expect him to look sad or pained or angry, but he's just there. That "Damon" smirk on his face. He leans over and kisses the top of my head before setting into his bed.
"Me, too"