"Good lord, the parasite is getting enormous."
Hermione turned to see Sherlock assessing her baby bump. "Merry Christmas to you, too, Sherlock. I thought I told you to get a flat mate, not a pet chimpanzee."
He shuddered. His current flat mate was an innane, soft-spoken man, who had a bad habit of ignoring hints that no one was interested in anything he had to say, and Hermione found something about his manner extremely off-putting. Apparently Sherlock agreed. "The first one was worse. This is the best one that's applied. I'm betting I can force him out by the end of the month, though. Mrs. Hudson said she'll split his fee for breaking the lease contract if I do manage it."
"You're incorrigible. By the way, baby's a girl. Text me a name suggestion by New Year's, please."
"Will do, got to hide from Kimball."
"I thought his name was Kevin."
"It might be. Laters." Sherlock vanished inexplicably quickly for such a tall and distinctive-looking man. Hermione looked around to see that his awful flat mate was closing in again, doubtless waiting to trap her into another awful, unending conversation.
Hermione: Fuck you, I can't waddle that fast!
Sherlock: Karma, bitch.
Molly: Need a rescue?
Hermione: PLEASE!
"Ah, no, thanks, erm…" She had no idea what the short, weasely-looking man had been saying, but 'no' seemed like a safe response anyway.
"Kevin."
"No, thank you, Kevin, I'm fine." She would not take a drink from him or go sit anywhere with him if she could possibly help it. Where was Molly?
"Hermione! How are you! I haven't seen you in ages! Come sit with me and we'll catch up on baby news." Molly finally arrived, drink in hand, awful Christmas jumper jingling, to rescue the ever-more-desperate Hermione. Thank Merlin.
Hermione positioned herself to shut Kevin out of the conversation, but that didn't stop him. "I love babies! When are you due?"
"End of March," she threw over her shoulder. "So Molly, my OBGYN was talking about how the mucosal plug is forming and…"
"If you'll excuse me…" Kevin finally left at the mention of reproductive health.
"Oooh, you're mean, Hermione. He looked a bit green, even."
"He deserved it. He's been following me around all night. So, when are you coming over to see my flat? It's been nearly three months already."
"Well, you know, I thought I'd wait until I could bring wine as a housewarming gift…" Molly was twisting her fingers together, clearly guilty about not having visited already, and probably thinking it was too late to come now just to see the new place, since it had already been so long. Silly girl.
"You'd better not wait that long. You remember my friend Ginny? She's throwing a surprise baby shower the last weekend of January. Say you'll come!"
Molly's face lit up. "Of course I'll be there. But, um… why do you already know, if it's a surprise?"
"Oh, her husband can't lie to me to save his life." Hermione grinned.
…
Hermione: Happy New Year. Did you get rid of the idiot yet?
Sherlock: Yesterday.
Sherlock: You too.
Sherlock: Molly says you're having a baby shower. Am I invited?
Hermione: No, of course not. Girls only.
Hermione: And Harry.
Sherlock: Why does Harry get to come if I don't?
Hermione: Because I've known him since we were eleven, and secretly he is a girl.
Sherlock: I suspect you are lying.
Hermione: Yes. Harry is not invited either.
Sherlock: So I'll be there at one, then.
Hermione: No.
Hermione: You're not invited.
Hermione: Don't you dare show up.
Sherlock: Does one bring gifts to a baby shower? I am asking for a friend.
Hermione: You don't have friends.
Hermione: Google it.
Hermione: and you're still not invited.
Sherlock: I have so got friends.
Sherlock: There's you, and Lestrade…
Hermione: I'm family, and you don't know Lestrade's first name, so he doesn't count.
Sherlock: Miranda.
Hermione: No, it's still Greg.
Sherlock: For the baby.
Hermione: Oh, yeah. I like it.
…
Hermione: Mission accomplished
Ginny: Excellent. I got the twins, too.
Hermione: Great, I'll tell Molly the real date, then.