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Chapter Three: Memories

Once I was home and in my apartment, I changed into comfortable clothes and went into the bedroom. There was a box on the top shelf of my closet, which I hadn't opened in months, and I stared up at it apprehensively. I knew what was inside had the potential to make me break down, especially after the emotionally fraught night, but there was a part of me that wanted to give in to the grief. I just needed to feel close to Riley.

When Riley told me about the job opportunity in D.C. six months ago, I knew what it would mean. It meant either I'd have to give up Swan and Volturi to be with him or he'd have to go without me. It was never even an option for him to turn it down. I wouldn't let him. Everything he and his family had been working toward his whole life was at his fingertips. The only thing holding him back was me. It was the hardest decision I'd ever made in my life. My whole world for the last twelve years revolved around Riley and our relationship. But I couldn't turn my back on the firm, knowing it would fall into Alec's hands. Charlie needed me. So against my heart, I followed my head and told Riley to go to DC. It had been five months since he'd walked out of my life and there hasn't been a day since that I haven't wanted him back.

I sighed, lifted the box down from the shelf, and brought it over to the bed. There were dozens of journals inside; I had been writing since Charlie bought me my first one for my seventh birthday. I reached in and searched through them until I found the blue one. The one from my junior year of high school, the year Riley and I began dating.

September 1, 1998
I went to the football game tonight with Amanda. Riley was amazing. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It's weird, I've known him my whole life practically, but all of a sudden it's like I'm seeing him totally differently. The Labor Day trip changed everything.

Laguna was so different this year. We've come here for years with the Biers and yet this trip, Riley has completely captured my attention. He has always been just the son of the people my parents are friends with and the brother of my friend, Amanda. I always thought he was cute. Well, except the time he scared me with a snake, but he was ten and ten-year-old boys are always annoying. Until this trip. I never thought he paid any attention to me at all and me him. We went to the beach as usual and normally Amanda and I would just do our own thing.

However, this year, when Riley went to take off his shirt I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I tried to play it off when Amanda commented but he just looked so good. It was like from that moment on I couldn't stop thinking about him. There were a group of girls on the beach, too, that flirted with him and I found myself getting so irritated over it. Eventually I just left with the excuse of a headache. Amanda just let it go, but I could feel Riley's eyes on me as I made my way back to the house. Later that night, our parents were being completely boring and Amanda had gone to bed, so I went swimming. Riley came out and sat on the edge of the pool with his legs in the water.

He didn't say anything, so I just kept swimming. When I got out of the pool, he stood up. I felt like he never took his eyes off me, and it made me somewhat nervous, so I wrapped the towel around and said goodnight. He stopped me just before I got in the house and he leaned forward and kissed me. It wasn't really that different from kissing Dave or Peter freshman year, but I couldn't stop smiling while I brushed my teeth and went to bed. It made my stomach all fluttery and my knees somewhat weak. I'm not sure it even feels real yet, but I want him to kiss me again.

He stared at me the whole next day. Even Amanda noticed. She thinks he has a crush on me. I'm so excited. He's so cute. He didn't really talk to me much. But I made sure to go down to the pool after everyone was in bed or busy and he was there. He had on a swimsuit, too, this time. We both swam for a while and he kissed me again. He said he likes me. I don't know what that means. Am I his girlfriend now? We left the next day, and I didn't get a chance to ask.

But tonight when Amanda and I were at the game, we talked to him and he told us about the party he was going to at Matt's house. Amanda has a huge crush on Matt, so she said yes. She ditched me for right away when we got there, but it was fine, I pretty much knew most of the people there.

I didn't see Riley for a while. But when I did, he put his arm around me. We spent most of the night talking. He seemed annoyed at his friends when they kept interrupting us. We left the party after a while and took a walk. He kissed me in the backyard. And he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him next weekend.

Amanda drove me home, and I told my mother everything. She seemed really happy, and said that Riley is from a good family. I don't care what family he's from, I just like him. But she cares. She's always so worried about me meeting the right people and living up to the Swan name. Like I'd ever do anything to disappoint Dad. I couldn't do that. Dad wasn't as excited about the date. I think he wants me to be eight again or something. But he agreed that I could go.

September 8, 1998
I've been a total wreck all week. I can't stop thinking about Riley and our date. I just got home and I had to write everything in here. He picked me up from the house after dinner and we went to the movies. It was kind of weird and awkward at first. I mean, we've never spent any time together where it was totally just the two of us; our parents have always been around somewhere. However, he was really easy to talk to. I didn't really pay that much attention to the movie, because he held my hand. I kept sneaking glances at him out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't get over how cute he was. When we got back to the house, he walked me to the door and kissed me. I didn't even have time to get nervous about it—it just happened! He asked me to be his girl and though I wasn't really sure what that meant exactly, I was totally excited. I assume he meant that we're dating now, like exclusively, but I wasn't totally sure. Maybe I'm making way too big a deal out of all of this, but I'm so nervous. I've never had a boyfriend before; boys are so confusing.

A million thoughts raced through my head as soon as he left, and I couldn't help but wonder what it'll be like on Monday at school? Would anyone notice? Did we need to tell people? What would Amanda say . . . ?

November 14, 1998
Riley and I have been pretty much inseparable lately. We usually spend time together after school and go out every weekend. I don't think I've ever been happier. We're busy because we both have honors and A.P. classes, and he's in football. We're both in student government, too; he's Class President for the senior class and I am for the junior class. So we get to spend time together there. I feel like we have so many similar goals. Is it weird that I can picture spending the rest of my life with him? It's early, and I wouldn't tell anyone that, not even Amanda, but I could imagine it. I see the way he looks at me sometimes, when he thinks I'm not looking. His blue eyes are so soft and it's like I'm everything in the world to him.

December 31, 1998
Riley told me he loved me tonight. I love him, too, so much. There are a thousand things I could say about it, but I can't even come up with the words.

April 9, 1999
Riley and I have been taking things pretty slowly, but I think we're ready. I'm not scared, maybe a little nervous, but mostly excited. Riley and I have talked about it a lot. But we didn't want to rush anything. I don't get the girls who go to parties and hook up with some guy they barely know. It's so strange to me. Maybe it's because I've never done it before, but it seems like it must be so meaningless. We talked about it again a few weeks ago, and decided we'd wait until prom. So cliché, I know, but it doesn't matter, not with Riley.

May 24, 1999
Mom and Dad went to New York for fleet week and Riley came over. We just wanted to spend time together without our parents interfering. We were still planning on our first time being at prom in a couple of weeks, but that kind of changed...

We didn't do anything at first, just watched movies, ate pizza, and cuddled, but when he kissed me, something just took over. For both of us. So when he asked me if I wanted to go up to my bedroom, I said yes. And we both knew what that meant.

He told me how much he loved me and that he couldn't see his life without me. He touched me sweetly, until I cried out his name and begged him to make love to me. He was sweet and loving and I felt like we had never been closer. That's was the best part of it; how close to him it made me feel. It felt so good, but the closeness is what I loved the most.
I think it was better that it wasn't at prom. This was perfect. We didn't plan it to death and have time to get nervous. It was spontaneous and beautiful, and every time I think about making love to Riley again, it makes me flushed and dizzy. I love him so much.

August 19, 1999
Riley is leaving for his freshman year at Stanford tomorrow. I hate it. I hate the idea of spending my senior year of high school without him. I know I'll be really busy with A.P. classes, student government, and the ten thousand other activities I have. But I am going to miss him so much. It'll be so hard to be away from him. I'm really proud of him for getting into Stanford, but I wonder if that's the university he would have picked if we were going at the same time. He says he will be happy there, but I do worry about it. I don't like the idea of holding him back from doing exactly what he wants to do. I'm confident in our relationship, but what if he wants to experiment a little while he's in college? Most people do, right? It breaks my heart to even think of it, but I do worry that me still being in high school could be an issue. I try not to be jealous of all of the gorgeous college girls he's going to see every day. I love Riley and I trust him, but it's a little scary. I know many couples who didn't make it under circumstances like ours.

I know people always talk about high school relationships and how they're never going to last. But I have faith in Riley. I want to marry him someday.

As I flipped through the entries, my eyes teared up at various memories. The sweet, innocent words of my sixteen-year-old self were so full of hope. I felt light-years from that girl now. I never expected my relationship with Riley to end the way it did.

I'd offered to drive him to the airport but he begged me not to go. He knew I'd be too upset to drive home, so we said goodbye in the apartment. I cried for the longest time in his arms, wanting one last moment with him. I tried to memorize his scent, the feel of his arms around me, the way he kissed the top of my head. His shirt was soaked with my tears and although he wasn't crying, I knew he was just as upset as I was. It didn't matter that I knew this was the best choice to make, it crushed me to say goodbye.

"I have to go now, Bella," he said quietly. A single suitcase was on the floor at our feet. He'd already packed the rest of his things to ship cross-country; they would be waiting for him when he arrived in D.C.

I swallowed hard and bit the inside of my cheek, needing the sharp bite of pain to keep me from begging him to stay. It was the right decision. It had to be. I hated that I had to be mature and make the decision that was right for him, not the decision that kept Riley with me.

I could barely pry my arms away from him, knowing that it was the last time I would ever hold him. I stepped back and he looked down at me, his blue eyes glistening.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I nodded and choked back a sob. "Don't be sorry, you're going to be great. I love you, Riley."

"I love you, too, Bella. I will always love you."

I pressed my lips tightly together, unable to say another word. He stepped back reluctantly, put on his jacket, and grabbed his bag, his fingers brushing my cheek one last time before he walked out the door.

Every day without him has been a painful reminder of my current lonely life. Sometimes it felt like the only bright points in my life were the occasional emails and texts Riley and I sent each other. I knew it only made the separation worse, but neither of us could help ourselves. We'd been nearly inseparable for twelve years, almost half of our lives, and without the occasional contact, I felt lost.

I would never find someone like Riley again and to be honest, I didn't want to. He had been the love of my life and now that he was gone, I would never love anyone again. I felt guilty for even trying to be with someone else. Mike had been a nice guy, but there was no way he could replace Riley. It was wrong of me even to try. It shouldn't have felt so good to be held and kissed by anyone else.

The pain I felt was crushing. As I remembered the happy days of our early relationship, I wondered if I had the strength to go on.

Returning to the pages, I read until the sky began to grow light outside my window. When I finished the first journal, I let the blanket fall to the floor, exhausted and emotionally drained. I closed the curtains in my bedroom, crawled into bed, and fell into a restless sleep.

Author End Notes: Thanks for the reviews so far, you all have been great! Let us know what you think about chapter three and we'll see you next Thursday with chapter four!

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