Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

As always, thanks to our incredible team of betas: karenec, LJ Summers, and jakeward.

Chapter 4: Change

The next weekend, Vanessa invited me to go dancing and although I was hesitant to get myself in a situation like I experienced with Mike, I did feel like going out. The guilt over being with someone other than Riley had faded as I remembered how good it felt just to have someone touch me. The awkward way things ended with Mike aside, dancing and kissing him had helped push the loneliness away.

When I went out with Vanessa I didn't go out with the intention of bringing a guy home, but I did flirt and dance. Dressing up, feeling beautiful and desirable again did wonders for me. It made me feel confident again, more like my old self. We went out every weekend for the next few weeks and I found myself sleeping better, eating better, and feeling a little less depressed.

One night, several weeks after I met Mike, I met a guy named Jared on the dance floor. He was tall, with brown hair and brown eyes, but that was all I knew about him. We danced, and he was friendly and definitely interested in me, but didn't appear to be overly aggressive. His kisses felt good, and so did his hands on my body. After feeling numb and grief-stricken for so long, it was amazing to feel desire again. I hated the dull, listless life I'd been leading. I was tired of feeling cut off from the rest of the world, cut off from my own body. I'd hardly even touched myself since Riley left, and the jolt of arousal was staggering. Maybe I had been too hasty running out of Mike's apartment.

After a few drinks, I felt like testing the waters and invited Jared back to my place. When the cab dropped us at my building, I tugged him along behind me through the lobby avoiding Jacob's glare on the way in. I had no idea what Jake's problem was, but he apparently didn't approve of the idea of me bringing a guy home. I'd never asked him, but judging from his white hair and numerous wrinkles, I'd guessed he was around eighty. Normally his blue eyes and kind smile greeted me, but he seemed slightly hostile tonight. I looked away, not wanting to make a big deal out of the situation.

I brought Jared up to the apartment and dragged him into the guest room. I knew if I was going to go through with this, I couldn't be in my room... the room Riley and I shared. I turned on some music and danced for Jared as he sat on the bed. I dropped my dress to the floor after teasingly flashing him my panties. I was a bit more than buzzed, and it wasn't until he was shirtless and he kissing his way up my thigh that I froze, the situation coming into focus. He stopped and lifted his head.

"You all right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, sorry. Please don't stop."

He looked slightly puzzled but he continued. Grabbing my hips, he pulled me forward to the bed to lay beside him. He moved to the floor and reached up to pull my panties off before tossing them on the floor and lowering his head. I tensed a little when I felt his warm, wet tongue on my pussy, but I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, reminding myself that I no longer belonged to Riley. My body wasn't his, and I wasn't betraying him by receiving pleasure from someone else. A moment of deep breaths and some mental encouragement and I found myself responding to Jared's touch.

"Oh, that feels good," I said, finally letting myself feel. He sucked lightly on my clit and I gripped the sheets under me in my hand. How long had it been since I'd had even made myself come? The feel of it building inside of me was nearly overwhelming. I pulled him up to me and kissed him hard.

"I really want to fuck you," he muttered and I hesitated just a moment before I nodded. He pulled a condom out of his wallet and slipped it on. I moved so I was facing away him, resting on my hands and knees. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I felt warm hands move to my hips and for a moment, I could picture Riley behind me, his beautiful eyes heavy with desire, ready to thrust into me.

But this wasn't Riley and it never would be again, so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When Jared slid inside of me, my heart ached, but my body responded differently. I fought to turn off my brain and focus on my body and the way it felt. It wasn't about the being with Jared so much as the feeling and the escape he brought me.

With each move Jared made, I felt little pieces of the life I had before falling away. I struggled to hang on to them but at the same time, I wanted to be over all the sorrow and loss. When I hovered just on the edge of the precipice but couldn't quite tip over, I found myself moving my hand between my thighs to rub my clit and gritting my teeth. Why was it so hard to give into the pleasure? I wanted this, I needed it, and yet it remained maddeningly out of reach. I tilted my hips so the head of his cock would reach my g-spot better and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and tuned everything out focusing on just my breathing.

Then suddenly I saw him.

I saw Riley's face and remembered the last time we made love. I felt my emotions swell up inside me and I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help whimpering Riley's name in my mind. I replayed that last memory, imagining it was Riley pounding into me instead of Jared. Eventually, I found my release and it brought not only the physical sense of satisfaction, but also a mental calm that I hadn't felt in a long time.

Jared didn't linger, but he did kiss me goodbye and made sure I had his phone number. I wasn't disappointed when he walked out the door. Although the relaxed feeling from the physical release and the mental break were powerful, the guilt crept in. I went to my room, curled up under the heavy blankets, and clutched my pillow. Without Riley beside me, I was always cold at night and had added a second down duvet to try to stay warm. I felt numb and empty inside but completely exhausted. As I lay awake staring out the windows overlooking the city, all I could think about was how much I wanted Riley to be holding me.

I didn't sleep much that night, and I pushed myself harder on my run the next morning, trying to drown out the voices in my head that told me I had cheated on Riley and used Jared. I found myself apathetic that week, eating only when reminded to and disturbed by restless sleep. Even my work suffered and that was what worried me the most.
Charlie noticed I was less than focused when we all got together for our weekly meeting, and when he commented, I assured him I was fine, and just feeling a bit run-down. A little more concealer under my eyes and some extra hours at the office was enough to convince him I was fine, but I was far from it.

After Riley left, I had a recurring dream where he'd disappear. Sometimes it was fairly innocuous; he disappeared in an endless labyrinth of corridors while I chased after him, unable to catch him. Other times the dream was darker. He tumbled off the pier and slipped beneath dark waves, or he was trapped in a burning building, and I couldn't reach him. Every dream left me frightened and emotionally overwhelmed.

Now, despite the guilt and the sleepless nights, I craved the mental clarity being with Jared brought me. For a split-second, I had felt closer to Riley, and though it was sick and twisted, I needed it. I tried on my own, but even picturing Riley wasn't enough. I needed someone's touch to make me feel that part of my life again.

When Vanessa told me about a new club she wanted to check out, I went with her. When a gorgeous Asian guy asked me to dance, I didn't turn him down. I knew what I was doing wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with my issues. I was separating my emotions completely from the physical response to someone. It was completely foreign to me, because every kiss and touch from Riley had been full of meaning. The meaningless hook ups were a means to an end. There was no attachment, just raw needs being met. Simply put, it was just sex. I couldn't let myself feel anything for any of the guys I was with, and I didn't want to.

Weeks passed and I started to find comfort in going out. The pleasure and mental calm vied with the guilt for supremacy in my mind and the roller coaster of emotions took its toll on me. I tried to just go out but without some form of intimacy, I found myself jittery and anxious come the following day. Neither was healthy for me, but I couldn't really stop.

By May, I had it down to a science, knowing which guys were best to pick up. I wanted someone who wouldn't get too attached, but not one so jaded and callous that they wouldn't be concerned with my pleasure at all. We were both getting what we needed from each other. It was a mutually beneficial agreement between two consenting adults.

We both had our reasons, and I left it at that, grateful not to have to deal with complications.

One night before I left to meet Vanessa, I studied my reflection in the mirror in my bedroom and frowned. I was dressed to go out dancing; I should have felt beautiful and desirable, but I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I had lost weight, and it was starting to show. I had always been fairly thin, and between running and being so caught up in work that I tended to forget to eat, I had never struggled with being too heavy. But I hadn't been that bony since I was a gawky teenager growing into my limbs.

Horrified by how sickly I looked I pulled out my phone and set a reminder on the calendar to eat three times a day. I wasn't trying to starve myself or make myself sick. I just was so overwhelmed that some days it never even crossed my mind to eat.

Suddenly disgusted with myself, I realized just how sad and pathetic my life really had become. Here I was, twenty-nine years old, having a string of random hookups and to what end? The guilt I'd been trying so hard to push aside came crashing down around me. No matter how good it felt, what I was doing wasn't really me. I didn't like who I'd become. Riley had been my only lover until he left and although the sexual release had made me feel better temporarily, in the long run, I knew it wasn't making me happy. I was sick of the club scene, sick of my routine, and sick of my entire life. I decided to do something different, to just get lost for the night. Sick of staring at myself in the mirror, I walked into the living room, trying to decide what to do instead of going to the club. I absent-mindedly gathered up my purse and wandered down to the lobby, needing to get out of my apartment and out of my own head. I couldn't shake the lingering feeling of discontent that plagued me.

I left the apartment building and instead of grabbing a cab to go to the club, I walked. I sent a quick text to Vanessa letting her know I wouldn't make it to the club and that I'd talk to her the next day.

I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, but I knew I'd know it when I saw it. It turned out to be a bar. I had driven by many times and never really noticed it much, but for tonight, it was just what I needed.

It had been years since I'd been in a place like that. Probably not since law school when we used to go out to the bars after a long day of studying. I felt a jolt of pleasure at the idea and let my feet take me inside. It was dark and the moment I stepped through the door and instantly, I knew I looked like an outsider-my dress, my accessories, everything just didn't belong here. But the eyes staring at me were curious rather than hostile. So I walked boldly into the bar and took a seat. A Native American woman roughly my age looked up in surprise. She was taller than I was, maybe 5'8," and fit. She wore a black leather vest and painted on jeans. Her arms were sculpted and toned, but there was a hint of cleavage at the top of the vest. Her hair was cut in a bob and her eyes were almond shaped and nearly black. Her face was serious, but she didn't seem to be judging me.

"Can I get you a drink?"

"Drambuie on the rocks—a double, please."

She blinked once in surprise and then set to work. When she placed it in front of me, I asked her to start me a tab and slid my credit card across the bar to her. "I might be here a while."

She nodded and went back to polishing glassware. "You're not our usual clientele," she commented, neither accusatory nor friendly.

"It's not my usual M.O.," I admitted. "I needed a change of pace."

"Well, as long as you can pay, you're welcome here."

"Thanks."

For most of the night, I drank in silence, liking the quiet conversations in the bar and the classic rock playing from the speakers. It was well maintained but unpretentious and the bartender greeted regulars with a smile and a name. Just on the verge of being drunk, I closed my tab and got up to leave.

When I'd signed the slip and stood up to leave, she stuck her hand out to me.

"I'm Leah, and welcome to my bar. You're welcome here any time."

"Bella. And thanks."

That night when I came home, Jake gave me an approving smile I assumed was at the fact that I was alone. I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep and felt better than I had in ages.

After that first night at Leah's I began to question if it was all worth it. The random sex before had been mediocre at best but no one had made me feel a tenth of what Riley had.

Author End Notes: I know you're probably all wondering when Edward will make his grand entrance. Don't worry; he will make his first appearance in the next chapter. He was just practicing his strut. ;) you*tube/Rqt1IHh5LPA

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