Chapter 16

One word….Fault

"Are you almost ready to go?" Olivia asked timidly while a manic Elliot whirled around her. He searched frantically through his desk for a piece of paper.

"No not yet," he dismissed her. "You can go ahead and leave, I need to get the information for the guy who tried to send Gitano this money."

She watched his every move. His blue shirt was disheveled, his red tie hanging loosely around his neck. He had barely looked at her since they left the bus terminal, since her throat was nearly cut by Gitano…since Ryan was killed.

He hadn't stopped moving since it happened, a defense mechanism she was all too familiar with. If you're still it gave you time to think….to feel.

She stood anchored to her spot a foot away from him and his eyes briefly glanced at the scar on her neck. The temperature in the room dropped ten degrees. There were no other sounds or movement for that one fleeting moment. His Adam's apple visibly contracted and she could hear his shallow breathing.

"I'm ok," she whispered. "I'm ok."

Her chocolate brown eyes connected with his and she saw it all.

The pain.

The hurt.

The guilt.

He cleared his throat and tore his gaze away from her instead focusing on the address in front of him. "The manager from Money Order Express is going to call me back with the information from the wire any minute now so….."

It was getting late. The odds that he would get the information tonight were slim to none but she knew what this meant.

He needed space.

"You should go and rest. Cap'n doesn't want you pulling an all nighter since you got hurt."

Not him. The captain.

"Ok," she rasped. "Ill see you later?"

Silence.

He tried to look busy but it was evident that he heard her. She turned on her heel and walked out of the squad room leaving Elliot alone.

Olivia dragged up the stairs of his apartment building, each step harder than the other. Her boots felt like they were filled with bricks and she struggled to hold herself upright. She was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. When she came to the now familiar hallway she still wondered if she should turn back around and go back to her apartment.

The keys to their now shared apartment dangled in her hands and she stood at the door still debating if she should go in. She thought about calling Elliot but she was being stubborn, upset that he hadn't bothered to apologize. And the way he jerked himself away from her at every given moment today, he needed to be alone. He would come back and she told herself she needed to be there when he did. He would come back to the place that had now become their home.

She was putting the key in the door when it suddenly swung open.

"Oh Olivia, I thought you were my dad," Kathleen admitted. She gripped her keys trying to find words. "Are you coming in?" the blonde asked watching her carefully.

"Oh yeah of course," Olivia rebounded trying to act normally.

She walked into the apartment noticing Kathleen's textbooks and notebook spread across the small dining room table. Her backpack was hanging from the chair and her shoes were on the floor. She must've been at their apartment a while.

"You guys forgot didn't you?"

Olivia's eyes jolted as she racked her brain trying to remember what she could be talking about. "No honey we didn't."

Kathleen stared at her, those blue eyes like her father's staring holes into her sensing the lie.

"Ok I'm sorry I forgot," she admitted.

Kathleen huffed, walking over to her books. "Dad was supposed to help me with this report I have to do about Criminal Justice because I want to major in it."

Olivia rolled her eyes with recognition. "Of course. Yeah of course," she held her forehead trying to switch gears. "When is it due?"

"Tomorrow."

She grumbled internally. It was just a little after 7 but it felt like it was midnight.

"Where's dad? Is he coming soon?"

"Umm, yeah of course. Let me text him and remind him."

She walked into the living room with her back turned as if Kathleen could see her phone screen.

Kathleen's here. You were supposed to help her with her report tonight.

She swallowed and took a breath before she sent another message.

Please come home.

When she turned around and walked back towards the dining room table, she noticed Kathleen staring at her. Her wide eyes assessing every move. "Everything ok?" she asked cautiously.

"Everything's perfectly fine," she lied and plopped down in the lightweight iron chair across from her. "Okay how about we get started while we wait for your dad."

She picked up the assignment paper to read the directions and instantly felt a headache coming on. She wasn't in the right frame of mind to concentrate on anything productive but she didn't want to let his daughter down. When she set the paper down back on the table, she was met with Kathleen's desolate stare.

"Liv, please tell me what's going on."

She fixed her mouth to lie again but Kathleen cut her off. "Please don't lie to me. I've seen this before. I know what the whole charade looks like when adults try to cover up when something is wrong. My parents did it for a few years before they split."

Olivia's mouth was dry and she tried to swallow the huge lump in her throat. This is the part she didn't know how to do. She didn't want to cross the line with his child and say something he wasn't ready or didn't want her to know. She flipped her chestnut locks over her shoulder to steady herself with a plausible explanation and saw Kathleen's eyes go wide.

"Shit Liv what happened to your neck?" she asked in horror.

Olivia paused for a moment debating whether to correct her language but decided to address her question instead.

"Well shoot what happened to my neck," she began subtly addressing her language. "There was an incident that happened at work today," she vaguely explained and touched the bandages on her neck. "It's fine though. It looks worse than it is."

Kathleen stood over her to inspect the wound closer. "You sure you're ok?" she asked softly.

"I promise."

Olivia held her hand that was on her neck and squeezed it for reassurance.

"You better have that bandage off by the next time we see the twins or they are going to flip," she warned walking to the fridge and taking out a bottle of water.

"Why is that?"

Kathleen set down a bottle for her and settled back in her seat. "Because we always worry about you and Dad. It's one thing to know your job is dangerous but to actually see that you got hurt is going to bother them."

Olivia digested the words laid out before her that sent new energy running through her veins. Being a part of his children's lives was a given because of the situation but having them sincerely care about her well being was a welcome gift that she was grateful for.

"I guess now I know why you and my dad aren't on the best of terms," she declared.

She gave her a small smile and pretended to read the assignment sheet again while she thought over what to say.

"He does this you know," Kathleen began. "He gets overly worried and he holds on. Sometimes too hard and it pushes you away. But it's because he doesn't know how to—I guess I don't know how to describe it," she shrugged her shoulders.

"I know," Olivia assured her. "I really do and I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. Your dad is a little mad right now about some stuff but this isn't the first argument we had at work. Trust me," she chuckled uncomfortably.

Kathleen smiled timidly, the blue from her shirt bringing out her eyes. "Ok."

"Ok, so how about we order some pizza and get cracking on this paper?"

She shook her head and gave her a genuine smile stacking her books on the table in an orderly fashion. "I like pepperoni and mushrooms," she called out while Olivia walked to the kitchen to grab the phone and a take out menu from the drawer.

She ordered the pizza, took off her shoes and got comfortable in the chair while they hammered away at the paper. An hour later, they were eating and had gotten into a groove.

"I didn't realize there were so many ways for these guys to get off? What do you call them? Perps?"

Olivia laughed at her attempt at using cop jargon. "Yes we call the suspect perps and the victims vics."

"That has to be frustrating," Kathleen added. Olivia lifted her eyebrow waiting for her to go on. "To know these guys are guilty of this stuff and then they get off on some stupid technicality and just hurt someone else."

She nodded and swallowed the rest of her pizza. "Yes it is but your dad and I work real hard to make sure that doesn't happen. We work with Casey Novak, who is our Assistant District Attorney to put the case together and we all just do the best we can."

Kathleen lit up and instantly thought of an idea. "Maybe we should call Casey and have her come over and help."

Olivia face meandered between humor and horror. Her friend was a wealth of information and despite the late notice I think she would be more than willing to help but Casey was Casey. She would help for no other reason than to witness her, Olivia Benson, sharing an apartment with her partner turned lover and helping his child do homework. It was the epitome of Casey's dream situation to give her shit about and Olivia's nightmare.

"Umm maybe next time honey. I think Casey is probably working on something. Besides I think we may be almost done here," she told her.

"Thank you Liv," her hand touched Olivia's sincerely. "Not just for the paper but…with my dad. He's been so different and better and so….. present. Well maybe not right this second," she joked and they both laughed. "I know that it's because of you. I'm really glad that you guys got together. All of us are."

Olivia took a deep breath and tried to gather herself. This was the acceptance she wanted. To know that despite the whirlwind of how the situation began that her fears about ruining his family and stability were unfounded.

Her lips pressed closed together attempting to hide the emotion creeping up within her. "Thank you. I appre-"

Both of their heads jerked when they heard the keys jingling in the door. When Elliot walked in he and Olivia's eyes locked and she immediately noticed the exhaustion washed over all his features. There were bags under his eyes and his back was hunched over as if it was taking every bit of energy he had to keep himself upright.

"Dad what took you so long?" His daughter called out choosing to ignore his appearance. "Liv and I are almost done."

He forced a tight smile, taking off his black leather jacket, gun and badge. His movements almost seemed in slow motion. "Sorry about that. We had a tough case today. I was just finishing up."

He took the few steps toward Kathleen and dropped a kiss on her forehead.

"It's ok. Liv told me about it," she reached over to the pizza box grabbing a slice not noticing the piercing glare that her father was giving Olivia. "Here why don't you have something to eat?"

He was worried that she had said too much so she tried to clear it up as best she could. "Yeah I told her I got hurt chasing after a perp today." She motioned to her neck for emphasis and saw his blue eyes suddenly gloss over, his back become even more slack. She wasn't thinking. The last thing she needed to do was remind him of how close she came today to being fatally injured.

"Well it's getting a little late. Let's finish up this paper so I can take you home," he said sitting in the other empty chair. "Thanks for helping her. I can take it from here," he mumbled in Olivia's direction. He was dismissing her and once again she wasn't sure if he wanted her to even stay there. "You should go ahead and get some rest, you've had a rough day. We shouldn't be much longer."

Her sigh of relief was evident and she was pretty sure she saw the same from Kathleen. She sensed his anger and although she chalked it up earlier in the day to him being upset about Ryan and just mad about the situation, she was now starting to feel that the anger was directed at her.

Three hours later, Elliot turned the knob to his bedroom door. He had taken Kathleen home over an hour earlier and drove around for a little while hoping the noise of the city would drown out his errant thoughts. The night was quiet and it reminded him of that night when he had waited outside her apartment and they took a walk around her block. Their third "date." It was the night he first admitted to her that he was in love with her and their relationship had taken a more serious turn. She had opened herself up to him, told him about her life and he told her about his. Their game had turned into something that both scared and exhilarated him. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

He walked into the bedroom and the vision before him made the tightness in his chest almost suffocate him. Olivia was lying on her side of the bed, hair fanned across the pillow, her dark skin contrasting against the white down comforter and pillows. Her left leg peeked from beneath the blanket and her body was turned toward his side of the bed, her hand somewhat outstretched towards his pillow.

She had been waiting for him.

He took a few steps closer and the white from the small bandages on her neck stared at him. Tears began to tickle the edges of his eyelids and the anger emerged again. He was mad.

He was mad at her.

He was mad at her for the choice he made to save her instead of Ryan.

He was mad at her because he came close to losing almost everything.

He was mad at her because he loved her so fucking much that it crippled and humbled him and he didn't know if he could continue to do this job as long as she was there.

There would have to be another choice.

One that he wasn't prepared to make but knew he had to.

He toed off his shoes and got in the bed next to her fully dressed. He knew sleep wouldn't come tonight and the Jersey cops were supposed to be bringing over the man who was sending Gitano money first thing in the morning.

Olivia stirred when she felt the mattress buckle under his weight and he tried to be still but all their years as cops ensured she was sleeping light and would wake any moment. He laid his head back against the pillow and briefly brushed her hand trying to settle into his spot when her eyes opened.

"What time is it?" She asked rubbing her eyes.

"It's still late. Go back to sleep," he told her. His voice was stern and she wrestled with whether she should say anything.

"You still have all your clothes on. Are we getting called in or something?"

"No. I just want to be ready when we are." He never turned to look at her and hoped she would just go back to sleep. He couldn't deal with what he was feeling right now.

His jaw was rigid, his body language tight and she took the hint.

"Ok," she said softly and rolled over to face away from him. "Good night."

I love you.

Elliot wanted to tell her he loved her and that he wanted more than anything to quell the rage and guilt bubbling inside of him but his mouth couldn't form words. The warring emotions practically took away his ability to speak so he managed what he could.

"Good night."

Olivia stood outside the morgue trying to catch her breath. They were on borrowed time. There was no time to break down. She pulled out her phone debating whether to call Elliot after he stormed out of the morgue chastising Melinda for giving them a light show and saying she could've just used the phone. She had the car and he had taken off on foot somewhere. He didn't tell her where he was going and if Cragen found out that he was unaccounted for they would be in trouble.

She began to dial his number, the chill from his words still prickling her fingers.

I can't do this anymore. I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue.

His voicemail picked up on the second ring and it was evident he was ignoring her call. She sighed, hung up without leaving a message and headed to TARU to track more information on Gitano's cell.

Elliot checked his phone and saw he had several missed calls from Olivia. After his visit to Huang he realized his fury was misdirected. It wasn't a shock. He knew he was wrong. He hadn't meant to blow up on her that morning in the hall but the case had taken him to a place he hadn't gone in a while.

I wish I didn't

Didn't what? Care so much? Elliot that's what makes you a good partner.

But it didn't.

She made me turn away.

How? How did she make you do anything?

She didn't. She never made him do anything. She just existed. She just breathed. She just loved him in a way he didn't know was possible and he wasn't sure he deserved. She saw who he was, the good, the bad and the ugly and she was still there.

She was still there.

He had to keep telling himself that to find the courage to keep going.

He walked into the squad room and everything was in full swing. He looked around for her but she wasn't at her desk and she hadn't left any voicemails. He was about to pick up the phone to call her when Munch updated him on everything that was going on.

"You should call Olivia."

"Where is she?" he asked bothered for a moment that he didn't know her whereabouts.

"Tracking Gitano's cell phone. There's a list of everywhere he's been this month."

He called her, the argument from earlier in the back of his mind but put aside for the greater good.

"Benson."

"Where are you?"

"Some rathole restaurant in Jersey. They don't remember seeing Gitano."

"What's your next stop?"

"Canton Road yeah…Cannon Road near Route 44 about fifteen miles from here."

He typed in the address on the computer.

"Ok I'm going to meet you there. Do you have any military bases on your list?"

"I don't think so why?"
"Wait for me."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief after talking to the nurse who examined Rebecca. She was safe. By some miracle Gitano hadn't harmed her...and he hadn't armed Elliot. The image of Gitano holding a gun to Elliot's head was something that she knew would haunt her for many nights to come. The fear in his eyes, the resignation in his words and his willingness to give up his life would stay etched in her memory for the foreseeable future.

She dragged herself to the chairs outside of Rebecca's hospital room and gave him an update on her condition. He heard her words but he couldn't process everything she was saying. The weight on his back was too heavy and he needed to get it off. She rubbed her hand down her face, the exhaustion seeping into every limb of her body.

"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it. I know you would've taken the shot Olivia."

He didn't truly believe it and the moment she turned to face him, he knew she didn't either.

"No I wouldnt've. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death?"

She was challenging him to step out of the guilt for one second and really think about what he was saying.

"What about your kids?"

"I dont know I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."

She wasn't listening to him. She hated him for putting her in this position.

"What about me?"

What about us? She wanted to scream at him. How could he build all of this up between them over the past months and have her open herself up the way she did and be so willing to throw it away?

"Look we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again, otherwise we can't be partners."

That got her attention. Of course they wouldn't be partners anymore, that was a given. They had talked about that fact over the past few months but there was a certain finality in his voice that made her quiver. They wouldn't just be switching partners.

This was something else.

"I can't believe you're saying that."

"Look you and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that," he chanced a glance in her direction. "I couldn't take it."

He walked away and she froze in her seat. "Wait," she called after him once he rounded the corner. "So that's it?" She asked catching up to him.

He couldn't meet her eyes. Everything was off balance. Loss was a part of life. He had lost so much and he should've been prepared that any moment he would lose again.

"What else do you want me to say?" he asked, his tone laced with annoyance. "What else is there to say?"

"You are such a son of a bitch," she shot back. "You are so busy focusing on you well what about me? You have your kids El. You have something. You think you just have the job. No I just have the job. If I lost you I've lost everything. This is just as hard for me as it is for you," she yelled.

He was poised to strike back at her attack but she was right. She had no family. She had always been the job.

"Did it ever dawn on you that I love you just as much as you love me? Or that I would've been just as devastated and broken if Gitano would've pulled that trigger as you would've been if he had succeeded in cutting my throat?" Her chest was heaving and people began to turn their heads.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled her off into a smaller corridor. "I'm sorry," he murmured softly. He longed to touch her but held back wanting to give her the opportunity to say what she needed to say.

"Don't apologize for that," she told him folding her arms. "I get it. In this exact moment I get why you were mad because it's just as mad as I am at you right now for almost-" she choked back a sob and he pulled her into his arms.

"I know." He stroked her hair while she cried softly in her shoulder. He knew how she felt. She had been faced with a decision that no one should ever have to make. Choosing between the one they love and an innocent person that it was their job to protect. Now it was time for them both to make another difficult decision that was in everyone's best interest.

"Come on let's go home," he whispered in her ear.

"You go ahead and go. I need to stop at the station for something."

"Ok."

She pulled back from his shoulder and he tucked her hair behind her ears. He kissed her cheek softly and hovered over her lips not sure if she wanted such an intimate gesture right now. She closed her eyes, breathing in his proximity and placed a tender kiss on his lips.

"I'll see you later." She kissed him again and disappeared into the nearby elevator.

She arrived at the precinct and found Cragen in his office. There was no fear or trepidation when she approached the door. It was a long time coming. She knocked three times and he looked up from the paperwork in his hands.

"Olivia, what's up?" He asked surprised to see her considering what he heard happened at the shipyard.

She steadied herself, her heart breaking preparing to sever the most consistent relationship she had in her life. "I want a new partner."

Cragen sat back in his chair, flicking his pen back and forth with his fingers. She waited for him to say something, anything and her nervousness subsided when she saw the slight curl of his lip. "Well it's about damn time. I was wondering when you would actually come to me."

Olivia's eyes widened and he smiled at her reaction. "You guys have been tiptoeing around here for months. I didn't say anything because I trusted both of you enough to know when it was time. And now's the time."

She nodded her head and put her hands in her pocket. "So what happens now?"

He stood up and walked around his desk to stand in front of her. "We will send you to another unit while I call IAB and see what they want to do. I think there's an opening in Computer Crimes. It's a lot less glamorous than here but you can hang out there pending their determination. I'd like to just have you two switch partners with Fin and Munch but it may not work out that way. Are you both prepared for that?"

"Yeah. I didn't think I was but…yeah I am."

"And Elliot?"

She clasped her hands in front of her and nodded. "Yeah he is." She had only just realized it tonight that he was ready. To not only leave their partnership but to leave SVU if it came down to that.

"Ok," Cragen said simply and went to sit back in his chair. She stood still for a moment and then turned to leave. "And Liv?"

"Yeah?"

He gave her another tight smile. "I'm happy for you. For both of you."

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay but I was out of town last weekend and….well it's Fault. I tried to make sure I did it justice. Next chapter is the end. I should have it posted very soon to make up for the two week delay between chapters.

Always interested in what you guys think. Please feel free to leave a review.