Chapter Eleven: Information Is Power
It was weird being back in my home town. The sun was shining and a soft wind was blowing. Dean parked the Impala in front of Katy's house. Michael was outside in the blink of an eye. They had a warm embrace. He was happy to have his wife back. Not only him, but Cisco. The dog could hardly stand due to his viciously wagging tail. His butt was glued to the ground at her feet. He leaned against her as she kissed her husband. Michael smiled and picked up the dog. He was medium sized but he wanted his mommy. Katy laughed as she took the dog's head in her hands, kissing his muzzle.
"Makes you want another one, doesn't it?" Dean asked as we leaned against the car.
"Maybe, but somehow I think I'll survive." I smiled at him.
"Someday you'll have another dog." Sam told me.
"Maybe, but I've given up on the white picket fence and kids thing." I replied before glancing at Dean. He clenched his jaw briefly before smiling at me. "I'm sorry, Dean."
"Don't worry." He said putting an arm around my waist. "It's not likely to happen in our lifetime anyway."
"Now that's morbid." Sam told him.
"But it's the truth." I told him. He nodded.
"Evy…" Michael said walking toward me.
"Mike." I said meeting him halfway.
"Thank you for bringing her home safely." He smiled.
"You're more than welcome." I smiled back at him. "I'm just happy she managed to find me."
"Me too. I knew she'd go to you but I didn't have your number when she left." He explained.
"I'm sorry it took so long, but I called as soon as I could." I told him.
"I know." He smiled. "Staying for dinner? I'll make something good."
I looked back at the brothers. Dean shrugged while Sam nodded. I turned back to Michael. "We'd love to." I smiled at him.
"Great." He said and led his wife inside.
"Come on." I told the boys. "It'll be fun. Then we'll get back on the road." I told Dean as I took his hand on mine.
"He better be making something really good." He whispered to me.
I just laughed and shook my head. We walked in and Katy and Mike were in the bedroom. I was perfectly okay with it while Dean looked a little uneasy. Sam had been there before and wasn't shy about going to the fridge and grabbing a beer. He tossed me and his brother one as well. We went out onto the patio, taking in the view. I took a deep breath, ready to relax for a little while. I couldn't help but continue to move, loving the feeling of my body. It's amazing how good it felt after not being in control for even a short period of time.
For dinner Michael made BBQ ribs. He made red potatoes put in tinfoil with garlic and butter. He steamed asparagus and Katy made cheesecake for dessert. It was nothing short of a feast. I could always count on Dean to devour as much as he could. Sam was always the polite one. I felt more like Dean today, enjoying a home cooked meal with friends and family. The typical family dog sitting and waiting for a scrape of food. There was nonstop talk and laughing as we all told Michael as much as we could about what happened. About the car ride back, of anything and everything that came to mind. Yet the whole time we were reminded of everything we couldn't say. All the questions Mike would ask and we just couldn't answer. Katy surprised me with how fast she could spin a lie to protect me. She made him understand everything we couldn't and she did it with finesse. It was a proud moment that slowly turned to guilt. I was turning her into a liar to protect myself. To protect my boys. If it was only me then I wouldn't have cared. I would have let her tell her husband what happened to her. But I wasn't going to let anything happen to my boys. My fiancé and my soon to be brother-in-law. It was worth it. No one needed to know. But I had hoped, somehow, I would be able to protect everyone I cared about without needing help. But everyone needs help every once in a while. Whether they want it or not.
Sitting outside on the patio, I nursed a beer while gazing up at the stars. It was a quiet night. The suburbs sky had more stars, making my old apartment look small. I thought I was alone when a pretty blond sat in the chair next to me.
"I thought I wouldn't be seeing you for a while." I told Ruby.
"Yeah, well, I like to piss you off." She replied.
"Do you have any news?" I asked her.
"On what? Dean?" She countered. I just looked at her. "We both know he's going to Hell. There's no saving him." I just nodded. "As for the war…we're not doing very well."
"Didn't think so." I told her.
"How's Sam?"
"He's fine." I frowned at her. "Are you expecting him to do something? Are you expecting something to happen?"
"So, when are you and Dean going to get married?" She asked.
Used to the subject changing I just answered her. "I'd like to say tomorrow but…I don't know. At this point I figure I'll be wearing this ring forever." I told her as I twisted it around my finger.
"What's the point, right?" Ruby said looking at me.
"Excuse me?" I frowned.
"Well, he's going to Hell. Why would he want to marry you just to make you a widow?" She replied.
"It doesn't matter if I'm a widow. I want to marry him whether he's going to Hell or not." I told her.
"I guess you'll have to take that up with him." She said and stood.
I shook my head, glancing away from her. When I turned back Ruby was gone. I downed the bottle of beer before opening another. Wishing I had something stronger than beer. It wasn't something I never thought about. I thought about it all the time. I looked at the ring every day and wondered when it would happen. But I knew that Ruby had been right. He wasn't going to marry me. He wasn't going to, and part of me knew that, but the other part wants it so badly that I was convincing myself that it would happen. Before the end of the year. I was thinking it through, every possibility, over and over again. I was opening my third when the door slid open and Dean stepped out.
"Hey." He smiled and sat on the footrest in front of me.
"Hey." I replied not looking at him.
"Everything okay?" He asked.
I could hear the frown in his voice. I furrowed my brows as I shook my head. Finally looking up at him I asked, "Are you ever going to marry me?" He just looked at me. "Dean…" I said leaning toward him. He didn't say anything. Standing, I looked down at him. "Since we're here, I have someone I need to see."
Standing, he held his hand out to me. Taking his hand, we let Sam know where we were going before we left the house. Getting into the impala, we were silent as we drove. When he finally parked the car, I took a deep breath before getting out, walking down the rows of headstones before stopping in front of my son's.
"Hi, baby boy." I said kneeling down in front of the grave. "I know it's been a while. I'm sorry I don't come see you more often."
"Me too." Dean said kneeling next to me. "Mom and I have been pretty busy."
"But we love you." I said trailing my fingers across his name.
"We love you very much." Dean added doing the same as he put his arm around me.
Tears slid down my cheeks, I continued to trace my son's name. "Do you think it would be different?" I asked Dean. "If he hadn't died?"
"I don't know." He replied. "I'd hope things would be different."
"Maybe we would have quit. We would have bought a house and raised him up the way that you weren't. The white picket life."
"With a dog." He smiled at me, tears in his eyes.
Laughing lightly, I kissed him deeply, my tears dripping onto his cheeks from my eyelashes. "I love you."
"I love you too." He said gently pulling me against his chest.
Cradling my head in his arm, he rubbed my back as we cried, my hand never leaving the headstone. Even after his own tears had subsided, Dean held me as I continued to sob. Finally leaning away from him, I wiped my face with both my hands, before taking a deep calming breath. Taking Dean's hand, I still shook a little from the exertion, still staring at the stone.
"About the marriage thing…" Dean started, running his fingers through my hair. Before he could answer his phone went off. "What is it, Sam?" Dean asked him. "Okay."
"What is it?" I asked him with red eyes.
"He has a lead on Bela. We should go." He told me gently.
"Okay." I nodded, wiping my face again.
"I'm still sorry about all of this." He said running his hand down my hair.
"Me too." I smiled as tears threatened again.
Kissing me sweetly, he stood and slowly walked back to the car. Staying a few more minutes, pulling myself together, I finally stood. "I love you, John. I hope to see you again someday. In any way that I can."
Going back to the house, I said a quick goodbye to Katy and Michael before I returned to the car. Sam was already in the front, leaving me the back. I was okay with that. I was in anything but high spirits and Sam would be able to talk to his brother. I simply looked out the window and waited. Finding Bela would be a dream come true. That is, if we actually got to kill her. After what happened to Agent Henriksen and the others there was no getting past it. She led them to us and in the end they were all killed. All the demons….all those people…those innocent people. They didn't deserve to die. We had saved them only to leave them vulnerable for something else to come in and end them. The way it happened though…it was bigger than the normal haunts. Something had gone down and it was all because of Bela. So, it was time. It's what needed to be done. She had to go.
The tears were unexpected. I didn't see them coming. It felt like I had done everything right. I had followed my instincts and had done what was needed. I had been right…I was right. Looking down at my hands and arms, seeing the blood smeared everywhere. I looked at it with terror. Not just because of what happened but because of the curiousness I felt. There was this feeling inside of me. A feeling I couldn't place or make disappear. There was something there. Something that I hadn't anticipated and was terrified of. I sat on the floor of the damp alley, a light rain still falling. There was loud noises that I was afraid would draw too much attention to myself. It was then that I realized that I was sobbing and the noise was coming from me. After realizing this I tried to stop them. Tried to silence myself. I gasped and turned when I heard a crash at the end of the alley. The sobs momentarily subsided as fear took over. I cowered in my hiding spot next to a dumpster. Terrified of being found. I shut my eyes, bringing my legs into my body, trying to be a small as I could, rocking back and forth. It was then that I was grabbed. I screamed in terror but then the voice reached me.
"Evy…it's me."
"Sam." I said and the sobbing started again.
He pulled me into him. Holding me tightly against his chest. I hardly recognized the choked sobbing that was coming from my mouth. The wailing and blubbering I didn't think I was capable of. I knew I had it in me but I was reserving it for the end of the year. But here it was, spilling out of me.
Sam lifted me into his arms as I continued to cry into him, drenching the front of his shirt. I hardly noticed that we were moving. My throat was starting to get hoarse and my eyes burned from the waves of tears. My heartbeat was loud in my ears. My breathing uneven as I gulped in air to continue my sobbing. Sam was whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I could hear his heartbeat and feel his breathing. It was that that seemed to finally reach me. He was there. He was there and he was okay. I had nothing to fear. I was protected. When the tears finally slowed and then stopped I was so exhausted. Belittled and tired from the exertion. With my head against Sam's chest the last thing I remembered was him placing a kiss in my hair.
"What happened?" Dean's harsh whisper filled my ears.
"It was a job. It was a demon." Sam replied but his voice was hiding something.
"Look at her, Sam!" He said trying to keep his voice low.
"I don't know exactly what happened." Sam told him. "We were set up again. Bela wasn't here. Evy and I were fighting the demon and she slashed it open, the blood went everywhere. Something happened after that. I'm not sure what."
I could hear Dean's exasperated breathing. He came around the bed and sat in the chair that was pulled up next to it.
"Hey." He smiled, his whole demeanor changing. I just looked at him. "How are you feeling?"
I didn't have any words. My eyes never left his face but I felt like anything but me. He smiled at me and helped me sit up. The blood was still on my hands and arms. I looked into Dean's eyes as I started to shake. He frowned and pulled me to my feet, pinning me to his side as he practically dragged me to bathroom, closing the door behind us. He turned on the water until it was hot. He helped me undress, doing most of the work himself. I just stood there in a haze as he gently took care of me. He helped me into the shower before getting in with his clothes on. He moved me under the water, washing the blood and dirt from my body. He gently ran his hand over my face, placing it on my forehead, leaning my head back to run under the water. He was gentle and quiet the whole time. Even when he was done he went and got me clothes before leading me back to the bed. He pulled the covers over me before lying next to me. Dean and I were facing each other, his eyes worried as he looked at me. I shut my eyes and everything was still there. I started to shake even though I wasn't cold. Dean put his hand on my face and I looked at him. It was better when I looked at him. It made me feel like everything would be okay.
Not saying a word, Dean had laid with me. He stayed until I was asleep and must have watched over me until sleep had finally taken him. When I woke up I felt calmer. The agitation was gone. The feeling I had had before was nearly gone. I was going to be okay. I was sure of that now. But there was something I needed to know. Something that needed to be answered in order for anything to make sense. Dean looked worried, even in sleep. I smiled at him, kissing him gently before slowly getting off the bed. Sam wasn't in the room. I frowned and pulled on Dean's jacket before going outside. Sam was leaning against the Impala. His expression told me he was deep in thought. He heard me coming, smiling at me, a careful expression coming to his eyes.
"Hi." I said softly.
"Hey." He said putting his arm across my shoulders.
I leaned into him, sighing heavily. "We need to talk."
"I know." He told me with a sharp nod. "What do you remember?"
"I remember that me and you were out when Ruby showed up telling us there was a demon we needed to take care of." I told him. He nodded. "We found the demon. I cut it and the blood just poured out of the body. It got everywhere and…." I said and stopped.
"You have to say it." He told me.
I looked at him and shook my head as tears came to my eyes. "I don't want to say it." I whispered.
"Evy, I know what happened. I know what you felt." He told me.
"How? Why?" I frowned at him. He just looked at me. "This is what Ruby wanted, isn't it?" He remained silent. I scoffed and nodded. "Marissa's words are just rolling over and over in my mind. It's all about the blood. It's always been about the blood. I just wasn't sure what kind of blood until now."
"Yeah." Sam replied nodding.
"What does this mean? Have you been drinking it?" I frowned at him.
"No!" He frowned at me, taking his arm from my shoulders. "I know about it but that's it. Ruby's been trying to convince me that it's going to make me stronger. That I might be able to save Dean if I…" He said and stopped.
"Sam, there is nothing we can do to save Dean. I know this. You know this. When are you going to get it through your head?" I frowned at him, my tone colder than I meant it to be.
"I'm not giving up." Sam frowned at me.
"And do you think I want to?" I frowned harder at him. "But this is a dangerous road. One that I'm not going to go down and one that I will stop you from going down."
"You don't know what you're talking about." He told me.
"Yes I do." I told him shortly. "I know that when that blood touched my lips and my tongue tasted it there was a craving. A craving that isn't meant for humans. It's wrong. It felt powerful and I wanted it and it terrified me. How do I tell Dean that? How do I look at myself in the mirror and see myself again? I feel tainted. And I feel like it was supposed to happen. It goes all the way back to Azazel."
"I know. I feel the same way." He told me gently.
"Good." I replied, my anger gone but I was still scared.
"It'll be okay." Sam said and kissed my hair.
"We don't have a choice." I said softly and leaned my head against him.