Chapter Twelve: Answers Unfound
Life wasn't supposed to be this hard. Things weren't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to grow up, find the person you were meant to be with, get married, have kids, grow old together, but most importantly you were supposed to live. Yet, here I was, half way there. I had found my man. We were supposed to be married. But it was the living part we were trying to get past.
It was crazy and I knew that I shouldn't be standing so close to the edge. Part of me wanted to go through with it. Part of me wanted to end it. End the suffering that I felt and was going to feel when Dean was forced to Hell. The wind from the ocean was harsh against my face. My hair was blowing fiercely behind me, strands whipping my face. The sound of the water crashing against the rocks loud in my ears.
"I love you, Dean." I said softly aloud to the wind. "But I can't take it anymore."
I stared at the water before putting my arms out, leaning forward, feeling the rush before the waves engulfed me.
Shooting awake, gasping, I rolled, falling from the bed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like the water was still in my lungs. I could taste the salt on my tongue. It had felt so real. But I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have fallen. I would never do that to Dean. Or to Sam or to myself even. It wasn't worth it. Death wasn't an answer. It was a lousy solution but it wouldn't change anything. I shut my eyes, clutching my chest, waiting for the calm to come back. When I finally got to my feet both boys were still asleep. I took a deep breath and lay back down. But sleep wouldn't take me. I propped myself up on my elbow, looking down at Dean. A small smile graced my lips as I watched him sleep. It was one of the few times when he looked completely peaceful. Gently caressing his face, I rested next to him, watching him till the sun came up and he opened his eyes.
"Were you watching me?" He asked softly a small smile on his face.
I grinned sheepishly, "Maybe."
"You creeper." He grinned back, pulling me on top of him as he rolled.
I laughed, kissing him gently before resting my head on his chest. "I like watching you sleep." I told him sweetly.
"Usually that's my job." He said running his fingers through my hair.
"Hmph." I smiled and put my hand against his cheek, my thumb tracing his jaw line.
"Are you okay?" He asked softly.
"Yeah, I just had a bad dream. Couldn't sleep after that." I replied.
"What did you dream?"
"I committed suicide." I told him. "Throwing myself over a cliff into the ocean."
He frowned. I smiled softly and pushed his frown lines gently with my thumb, smoothing them out. He sighed and kissed me passionately. I smiled wider and kissed him again, leaving my lips against his. Tasting his breath on my tongue. I was lost in it. In his taste. In his touch. He moved his lips to the base of my throat, pressing his lips against my skin. I trembled before a wave of depression moved through me. I rolled off of him, sitting up as I pulled my knees up against my chest.
"What is it?" He frowned putting his arm around me.
"Nothing." I told him with the best smile I could give.
"Is this about…?" He said, trailing off. I knew what he meant. I averted my eyes. "I can't do anything can I?"
"I'm not thinking so." I said finally looking at him. "Just wait for it to pass. But it's getting closer, Dean. It's getting closer and I don't know what I'm going to do after. I'm scared. I don't want to lose you but I know that I don't have a choice in the matter. It makes it hard. Like I should be pushing you away to make it easier on me in the long run."
"Don't do that." He frowned, putting his chin on my shoulder.
"I don't want to. It's going to be hard either way."
"Just be with me, Evy. That's all I need." He told me gently.
"What about this?" I asked him, twisting the ring on my finger. "The last time I tried talking to you about it you never gave me an answer."
"I don't know." He told me.
"You promised me. This is a promise of what is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives and now I feel like it's a black hole looming over me." I told him as my eyes started to burn. "I want this so bad. I want it. But I don't want to be a widow and I know you don't want to make me one. But I want to be yours. I want to be yours forever, no matter where you are. But we're running out of time. I want this. Can't you give me this one thing before you go?" I asked as a tear slid down my cheek.
He brushed it away with his thumb. His brows were furrowed. He looked like he was in pain. "It would mean everything to me to marry you. But it feels forced. Like we have no other option. And I don't want to make you a widow. I don't want you trying to bring your dead husband back from the dead. I want you to be happy. As happy as you can be after I'm gone." He noticed me flinch at his words. He took my hands in his, catching my eyes. "And as much as I want to marry you, part of me feels that you'll move on faster if we just leave it the way it is. If you're not a widow. If you're just a girl who lost another fiancé. But are single and ready to find the one you're meant to be with."
"Stop it. Just stop." I said getting off the bed. I tried to compose myself but it didn't work. I turned and faced him. "Just shut up and stop talking like that." I frowned angrily at him. "You are the one I'm meant to be with. It's always been you and it will always be you. I'm not saying that when you're gone I won't try and find comfort in another man's arms. I know I will. I'll be lonely. But they'll always be one night stands. There will never be anyone else who fits with me as well as you do. You're it for me. The one. The one and only. I know it. You know it. You're just trying to spare my feelings. And if it makes you happy to leave things the way they are then fine. I'm not going to argue this one with you. All I wanted was an answer. But I'll never be with anyone else the way I am with you. It's just never going to happen. I'll bring you back, Dean. One way or another. And when I do, the first thing we're doing is finding a church and getting married." The words slipped out. I could have gone on but I figured I'd stop while I was still in one piece.
Dean got off the bed and walked over to me. He took my head in his hands and he kissed me passionately, pushing me down onto the bed. I scrambled to take my clothes off as he did the same. He crawled onto the bed, moving over me. I ran my hands down his chest, feeling the muscle and smoothness of his skin. His lips found mine and we were kissing like this was the first and the last time it would happen. Connecting to him in every possible way. Mentally…physically…in every way I was his. I knew that he wanted me to be okay. But the only way I would be okay was if I was with him. But the end was near. And it would kill me when it happened. I wondered if it would hurt. Dying of a broken heart. When it happens I figured it would be a relief. That I would see him again. Somehow. Somewhere.
Run…run fast…don't look back. They were right behind me. I could hear the barking and the growling. Hearing the snarling as they chased me down. I made it several blocks before tripping. It was too late by then. They were on top of me. The claws digging into me. Tearing at my skin. I could hear my flesh rip. Feel the blood pouring out of my body. My screams filled the night sky but no one came to see what was happening. I was dead. I felt my soul leave my body, moving down to where the devil dwelled. Reaching Hell, chains attached to my limbs and skin. At first I wanted to yell for help. But then there was only one thing I wanted. Dean! I screamed. He was here. He had to be here. I had made my deal. I had made it and wanted to be with him. I didn't care that it was Hell. Even when the demons started to rip me apart.
My eyes opened but it hadn't felt like a nightmare. It was almost a revelation. I wasn't sure what it meant. I didn't have a plan to make a deal with a crossroads demon. I didn't want to be ripped apart by hellhounds. But after Dean was gone, I guess there was nothing I might not try.
Walking through the store I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I was in the entertainment section. My eyes moved over the movie titles lined along the shelves. Dean's quotes started to pop into my head. Smiling, I shook my head and moved on. The boys were busy getting the food. For some reason I allowed them to do this. Which meant I would be eating junk for dinner again, but I would let Dean do what he wanted. The simple joys in life.
"So, what do we have?" I asked when I found them.
Dean was holding bags of chips and a bunch of pop. I noticed a box of hot pockets as well. Sam was a little more practical but it was along the same lines. I just shook my head and fell in step as we made our way to the checkout.
"Really?" I asked Dean.
"What?" He said with a small shrug. "Don't worry. I have a couple things for you in here too." He smiled.
I laughed and took a few things from his arms. Back in the Impala, Dean dug through the bags and took out a bag of peanut butter M&M's. Having not noticed them before, it was a nice surprise. My face hurt with the smile as he handed them to me. I opened the bag and popped one into my mouth. It tasted so frickin' good. It was like an orgasm in my mouth. Dean could tell, he just grinned and got the car moving.
I was anxious when we were getting close. Soon the junkyard was in view and Bobby was waiting for us outside the door. Smiling, I got out and moved to him, hugging him tightly.
"Hey, kid." Bobby grinned as he looked at me.
"How are you, Bobby?"
"Great. And what about you?" He said leading me into the house.
"I'm hanging in there." I smiled but he knew what I meant.
"I'm here for you, kid." He told me sincerely.
"And I appreciate that, Bobby." I said softly before moving past him as I heard the boys come in.
"So, you got anything good to report, Bobby?" Dean asked. "Got a lockdown on Bela?"
"Afraid not." He told us.
I sighed and crossed my arms, leaning against the table. I had hoped for some better news. Had hoped for some sort of revenge. Closer to something that I wanted so badly to be over. The trouble she had caused. She had nearly gotten both the boys killed. Myself along with them. Part of me felt that I wanted it so bad just to make myself feel better. Focusing on something so I wouldn't have to face what I was really afraid of. Something to put my energy in. But so far we had come up short. I would find her though. One way or another she would fall. I just hoped it would be by my hand.
I lay on the hood of the Impala, watching the sun set over the stacks of cars. I had been alone for quite some time now. I'd have to thank Bobby for that when I went in. My thoughts were dark and jaded. But the constant thought slowly made me accept the reality of it all. It wasn't just Dean either. There was the blood I had to worry about. I was worried about Sam. There was a large part of me that was screaming to pay attention. He had been doing this a lot longer than what he had told me. It was clear. He knew more than he was letting on and he was going to do it whether I ratted him out or not. Whether I joined him or not. But I would never go to the dark side. That's what it was. The dark side. It wasn't going to get him or any of us anywhere. Dean would be dead and Sam would be addicted to demon blood. While I would be a wreck after all this was over.
Soon I heard the familiar footfalls. I shut my eyes, paying attention to the sound they made. Knowing that when he was gone I would still hear it. My mind wanting something so bad that it would give it to me. Even though it would only be an illusion. The setting sun was blocked from my face and soon I felt lips against my forehead. I couldn't help my smile. I gave a soft laugh as he kissed me gently. I ran my fingers through his hair as he put his forehead against mine. I heard him take a long intake of breath. Knowing what he was doing, I was happy I had freshened up when we had arrived. My smile widened but when I opened my eyes to look at him, he had a deep frown on his face. My smile disappeared but I didn't say anything. Pretending that I hadn't seen anything. I simply pulled him down on top of me. His weight making me feel safe. I could feel his heart beat against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, gently rubbing his back before his sides. He squirmed and a smile moved across his face. I smiled and kissed him sweetly.
"Not fair." He told me.
"Life isn't fair." I replied.
"Tell me about it."
I had said it jokingly but he was serious. It was inevitable. Every conversation lately was engulfed in what was to come. Not wanting to answer him I just made a soft noise and kissed him.
"What am I gonna do?" He finally sighed.
I opened my eyes to meet his closed one. The frown back on his face. What did he want me to say? What was going through his head? He had made his peace with this. But now he was asking me what to do. How was I supposed to answer something I couldn't answer for myself?
"Huh, baby, what am I gonna do?" He asked again.
I felt the lump form in my throat. Swallowing it down, I tried to answer him. "You're not gonna feel sorry for yourself. You're not going to be afraid. You're going to face this. There's nothing else you can do. You're going to go to Hell and you're gonna kick the devils ass."
He gave a short laugh and finally looked at me. "Is that right?"
"I hope so." I told him as I ran my fingers through his hair.
"What are you gonna do?" He asked frowning again.
I just looked at him for a moment. "First, I'm going to tell you to stop frowning. You'll give yourself lines. Second…" I said and paused. "I'm going to do my best to be strong. I'm going to support you till the end. Stand by you and be there for you. But most importantly I'm gonna love you. Love you like you've never been loved before."
"You've already done that." He grinned and kissed my cleavage.
Laughing I kissed him before staring at him again. "Why stop now?" I said softly.
"I'm not." He replied.
"Neither am I." I said and ran my hands up and down his body.
He rested himself on top of me. I moved my fingers up and down his back, finding his sweet spot between his shoulder blades. He sighed and rested his head on my chest. I kept my hand moving, wanting to comfort him as time started to slip away.
Even when the sun had set we laid with each other. I was cradled against his side as we watched the stars. It was wonderful. The simplest things were what mattered. People thought it was the big gestures that were important. But it wasn't. These small moments would be what would stick with me. The tickling, the nagging, the sex in the shower, burning the bones, walking through the store hand in hand, whipped cream and chocolate syrup fights, trying to outrun vampires, making out in bed before we fell asleep, fighting back to back against the demons of the world, tending to each other's injuries…the list goes on and on. The good mixed with the bad. But all just as important as the other.
I would remember tonight. The sentimental feelings. The stars above, the singing crickets, the sound of his breathing against my ear, the feeling of wholeness to the moment. It was the perfect night.
The cliff was once again before me. The desire to fall was the same. But this time I looked over my shoulder to see this past night. Beyond it was what was to come. The site of his death and the emptiness that lay ahead of me. The emptiness that I would feel for the rest of my life. It showed me what life would be like after he was gone. A wave of depression moved over me and I once again looked over the cliffs edge. It looked welcoming. The sound of the waves as they crashed against the jagged rocks. I, once again, told Dean I loved him. Realizing now, that I couldn't take living without him anymore. I opened my arms and fell over the edge.
I opened my eyes, staring at the wall. There was going to be no stopping the inevitable. My subconscious knew I wouldn't be able to live without him. Wouldn't be able to stand a life that didn't have him in it. The nightmares weren't going to stop. The dreams would show me everything I was afraid of. Sighing, I rolled over, placing my hand on Dean's bare chest. I nestled closer to him, trying to go back to sleep. It seemed like I had barely closed my eyes again when I was being woken up. Only, it was to pounding on the door. I sat up and watched as Sam went to the door. As soon as it was opened, he grabbed whoever it was, slamming them against the wall.
"Riley…" I said, shocked, as Dean got to his feet.
"What are you doing here?" Sam shot at him.
"I need your help." He replied.
"You've got to be kidding me." Dean said pulling a shirt on.
Putting more clothes on I got out of bed and stepped next to Dean. "Why would we help you?" I shot at him.
"I know where she is." He told me.
"And who do you think we're looking for?" Dean asked him.
"Bela Talbot." He replied.
"What do you know about Bela?" I asked stepping closer to him.
"I'm sorry, Evy." He said softly.
"For what?" I asked slowly, a pit falling in my stomach.
But we were answered only a few seconds later with pounding on the door. I glared at Riley, shaking my head, as Dean went to look out the window.
"There's at least half a dozen of them." He stated and started to grab our things.
"Tie him to the bed." I told Sam.
"What?" Riley said as Sam threw him to the floor.
"Hurry." I told Sam as I shouldered my bag. "Plan?" I asked Dean.
"Holy water and a lot of running." He replied.
"Yeah, I figured it would be something like that." I smiled at him.
He smiled back, winking at me. I just shook my head and shouldered my satchel as he grabbed our bags. I took the majority of the holy water as Dean prepared to run. It wouldn't be that bad. It was nothing we hadn't faced before. Sam had successfully tied Riley to the bed, as tight as he could.
"Don't leave me here." He told me.
"I just love your cameo appearances." I grinned at him. "You always end up on the wrong side though."
"Evy, switching sides isn't as easy as it sounds." He replied.
"Bullshit, Riley." I shot at him. "You are just too much of a coward. Now, before we go, tell me what you know about Bela."
"Nothing." He replied.
"Seriously?" I frowned, pulling my knife from its place on my thigh. "Want to run that by be again?" I asked as I placed the tip under his chin.
"I was told to use her name if I thought my life was in danger." He replied.
I couldn't help but burst with laughter. "Funny how it was pretty much the first thing you said to us."
"I didn't think I'd make it through the door." He stated.
"You wouldn't have if I had answered the door." I told him coldly.
"We're running out of time." Dean told me as the window was broken open.
"Fine." I said looking at him. "Well, Riley, till next time." I said, slashing his chest as I turned back to my boys. "Ready?" I said looked at them.
"Whenever you are." Dean smiled as Sam threw holy water at the demons coming through the window.
Dean threw open the door. Rushing forward I sprayed the holy water as Dean followed behind me, Sam covering the rear. The demons screamed as the water touched them. Keeping them at bay just enough. The Impala was just a short run away. Quickly pulling the doors open we filed in. We were barely out of the lot when I yelled for Dean to stop the car. He hit the brakes and shot me a look.
"My pentagram." I said with my hand on my neck.
"I'll get you another one." Dean said as he started to move forward again.
"No." I said and threw the car door open.
"Evy!" Dean yelled but I was already sprinting back to the room.
The demons were already going through anything we left behind. I slid against the wall and looked around the corner. Riley was yelling that it wasn't his fault. But without his demonic powers there was little he could do against them. I took a deep breath and bolted into the room. Shoving through the crowd, rolling over the bed to snatch my necklace from the nightstand. Of all the things to forget. But by the time I turned around the demons were a half moon in front of me. I still held half a bottle of holy water. It would have to be enough. If it wasn't then it would more than likely be a quick death. But I still believed in the power of the pentagram. I put it over my head, the small metal shape bouncing against its place against my chest.
"Let her go." Riley's voice told them from behind.
The demons turned and looked at him. A few smirked, some laughed, but his face was serious. They turned back to me. One grabbed me and threw me across the room. The holy water fell from my hands, fumbling across the floor. They were on me again, kicking and beating me, until they were suddenly pulled away. I lowered my arms and looked at Riley. His hands were held out, pinning the demons to the walls. Shocked, I slowly got to my feet.
"Leave. Now." He told me.
His eyes were black. His face focused on what he was doing. I didn't wait to see what happened before I fled the room. Tripping over the gravel, I fell, skinning my hands and knees. The Impala screeched to a stop in front of me and Dean pushed open the door. I quickly scrambled inside, slamming the door as Dean sped out of the lot.
"What were you thinking?" Dean yelled at me.
"I needed it. I'm sorry. It means too much to me, it can't be replaced." I told him as I tried to catch my breath.
"You could've let me in to your little plan before you just took off like that." He frowned at me but was calmer.
"I wasn't planning anything past getting in, getting my pentagram, and getting out. Riley helped me get out." I told them.
"And getting beat up." Sam said quietly in the back.
"Yes, getting beat up always makes my day." I glared back at him.
"Sam." Dean said glancing at him.
"It's fine." I told him.
"No, it's not fine." Dean frowned at me.
"You're over exaggerating." I told him.
"No, I'm not." Dean replied.
"You really are."
"So, how was Riley involved?" Sam interrupted.
I glanced at Dean before looking back at Sam. It wasn't a lot but it was enough to cause worry. Dean wasn't as informed as I was and I wasn't as much as Sam was. It was going to be a tricky triangle to try and keep together. Something crossed Sam's face. Dean didn't notice and I didn't want to get into it now. It made a certain amount of sense if he was thinking what I was thinking. Despite the fact that Sam was already hiding something, my own experience was going through my head.
"What are you hiding?" I asked Sam later that night.
"What do you mean?" He countered.
"I've let it go so far. Mainly because it scares the shit out of me. But after this, I can't pretend that it doesn't present a problem. I don't know what happened to me. But you've been hiding something. And it's not good." I told him sternly.
"Evy, I'm not hiding anything." He told me with a sincere tone.
"I wish I believed you." I frowned at him.
Dean came out of the bathroom, with a serious expression on his face. I didn't take my eyes off of Sam until Dean put his hands on my shoulders.
"We better crash if we want any sleep tonight." He told me softly.
"Yeah." I replied and walked over to the bed.
Sam stayed in the chair as Dean and I got settled in for the night. The lights were shut off and an eerie silence filled the room. Dean turned and put his arm across me. I rested my head against his as I trailed my fingers up and down his arm. He kissed my shoulder before settling in for the night. Nothing had been answered. Nothing had been found. The lack of answers was more discouraging than ever. I just wished it could all be over.