Chapter Thirteen: In Need of a Break
Time was running out and I was feeling the weight of it all. I sat on the balcony, overlooking the river behind the hotel. There was nothing more we could do. Sam was getting more and more determined to save his brother. Me? I was just tired. Tired of trying to fight. Tired of trying to raise my hopes only to get torn down. Sam and I had gone through every possible book, every spell, every demon that might have a way of getting Dean out of his deal. But we had no idea who had his contract. We had no idea how to find them. We didn't have the answers we needed to save him. We didn't know what to do anymore. I was going to lose him and there was no stopping it. The dwelling. The nightmares. The feeling of uselessness. It was all coming down on top of me and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't do this. I couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't look at him and not see Hell. We tried to find the colt but even that had turned out to be a dead end. We had the gun that Ruby helped Bobby with. It worked, but I still wanted the colt. The original. The sun was starting to rise and my head was still trying to come up with something that we just hadn't tried. I didn't know what to tell him anymore. There was such a short time left. Such a short time and all I wanted to do was get away. I needed to get away.
"Trevor?" I asked when he answered.
"Evy?" He asked shocked.
"Hey." I smiled. "How've you been?"
"I've been good. Busy. But good." He replied. "It's been a while."
"A long while." I smiled.
"So, why are you calling?"
"I could use a little vacation." I told him.
"And so you called me?" He asked surprised.
"The last time I took a vacation it was with you." I smiled into the phone.
"And that turned out so well." He replied, though I could hear the smile in his voice.
I couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, I know. But it was kinda fun while it lasted."
When Dean woke up, it was to me packing a bag, I knew it wasn't a good idea but I was about to lose my mind. I needed to get away. I needed time to breathe.
"What are you doing?" He frowned at me.
"I…am going on a short trip." I smiled at him.
"What?" He frowned quickly moving to the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry; I didn't realize I was waking up to you leaving me."
"No, baby, no." I said taking his head in my hands. I knelt in between his knees. "I would never leave you. But I need a little bit of a break. I need to get away and just wrap my head around your death. Around trying to find a way to get you out of this. I just…" I said and paused, looking down before looking back at him. "I just need a break."
"Why now?" He asked. "We're looking at just a matter of weeks here."
"I know." I said as tears started to fill my eyes. "That's why I need to go now. I need to be ready and to do that I need to give myself a break." He looked almost hurt, but nodded. "Dean, baby, I love and adore you. But I need a little time. Can't you give me that?"
"Of course." He replied and kissed me gently. "Where are you going?"
"To see Trevor actually." I replied as I continued to pack.
"Trevor? As in the guy you were with after the whole…you know."
"Yeah, that'd be him." I replied.
"Why him?" He asked standing.
"Because, it was with him that I felt the most normal." I told him. "I didn't hunt when I was with him. That and he saw me through some pretty dark days."
"Because of me." He stated.
I looked at him and put my hand on his cheek, kissing him passionately. "That was a long time ago. I have a ring on my finger and have been nothing but happy with you. But it's normal to need a break every once in a while. I don't need one from you. I just need to face a few things and don't want you to see me broken down."
"But that's why I'm here." He said taking my hands. "We're supposed to be here for each other no matter what. I'm supposed to be here for you when you're happy, when you're sad, no matter what you're feeling."
"I know. But to see me completely naked about you going to Hell, it'll be far worse than anything else. It'll be a slap in the face. I need someone who can see me and not feel connected to me. I need to just let it out so I can come back to you and be who you need me to be." I told him.
"No." He replied.
"Please. I need to do this for me."
He looked at me before nodding. "Fine." He said but was unconvincing.
"I'll call you all the time. I'm not cutting you out. I'll be back before you know it."
"Okay." He said and pulled me against him.
He held me tight. It felt too much like a goodbye. I kissed him sweetly before running my hands up and down his chest. "It won't be for long. I promise." He nodded. I walked over to where Sam was still sleeping. I bent and kissed his head. "Love you, Sammy." I whispered before turning back to Dean. "Okay, I'll call you when I get there."
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Charleston." I told him.
"Okay." He nodded. "So, you'll be there before nightfall?"
"Yeah. I should be there in like eight or nine hours."
"Be careful." He said walking me to the door.
"Always." I said and kissed him deeply before walking down the hall.
Time seemed to pass like nothing here. Between the sun, the beach, and the ocean this place was a little piece of heaven. Three days had passed like nothing. Being able to sit on the beach with the wind moving over me. The sound of the water, the call of the gulls…yeah…heaven. Trevor had been perfect since I'd arrived. He was just like I remembered him. His blond hair was shorter and he had gotten a little more bulky but his blue eyes were the same, he was still him. We had stayed up talking the first night, slept through most of the next day and started over again. Unfortunately he did have work to do so I was left alone. But it was okay. His golden retriever mix, Guinness, sat at my side, tired from chasing the ball. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of me. Even if it was just temporary.
"Hey, baby." I smiled when my phone rang.
"Hey." He replied.
He still was able to give me butterflies. They were fluttering in my stomach now as I heard the smile in his voice.
"What are you doing?" I asked him.
"Oh, you know same old." He replied.
My smile immediately faltered. "Everything okay?" I asked as cheerily as I could.
"Everything's fine. Just wanted to hear your voice is all." He replied.
"Dean?"
"Everything's fine, Evy." He told me. "I just miss you."
"I miss you too." I smiled.
"When are you coming home?" He asked.
"In a few days. I could just use a little bit more ocean and sun." I replied.
"You're gonna come back all tan and shit aren't you?"
The smile was back in his voice. I laughed. "Probably. But I'm having fun. Seeing Trevor has been nice."
"That's good." He replied with a tone.
"Don't be jealous." I smiled. "Trevor has been married for nearly a year now. Tasha is fantastic. She came home from a business trip my second day here. He's really happy." I wasn't getting at anything, but Dean got very quiet. "Dean?"
"I'm still here." He said but his tone had changed.
"Dean, I wasn't trying to start anything. I was just saying…" I told him quickly.
"No, baby, it's fine." He told me. "But I better go."
"Okay." I said softly. "I love you."
"I love you too." He said and hung up.
I looked at the dog and stood, making my way toward the ocean. I waded into the water. Guinness following me. We swam in the ocean till the sun had shifted to the west. Getting out, I went back inside to find Tasha and Trevor in the kitchen.
"Hey." Trevor smiled.
"Hey." I smiled back. "Tasha." She smiled at me.
"How's today going?" Trevor asked.
"Splendid." I grinned. "Guinness and I have been having a marvelous day."
"Good." He smiled back. "Kebobs for dinner." He said as I took in the array of selections.
It was a fantastic night. Enjoying a beer while we put together our own kebobs, grilling them out back. Tasha was with us for a short while before taking Guinness for a walk down the beach. Something was different. After she was well out of earshot I couldn't help but ask about it.
"Is everything okay with her?" I asked him.
"Yeah, she knows about you. Knows what you do." He told me.
"Why did you tell her?" I shot at him.
"I don't hide anything from my wife. She knew before I had proposed. Accepted it before she had accepted the ring. She's fine with it. Just afraid, now that you're here." He told me. "Afraid that you'll bring your job with you."
"Ain't going to happen." I told him. "This is my vacation. I'm not working right now."
"I told her that. But she's a little uneasy."
"I get that. But she'll be fine. Even if something does happen I can take care of it."
"I know." He said smiling at me.
"Good." I smiled back. "So, how's married life?"
"Fantastic." He grinned. "It's amazing. I love coming home to someone. Sharing everything with them. I can't imagine my life without her."
"That's great. It really is." I told him.
"What about you and Dean? Have you set a date?"
I spun the ring on my finger. "No. We're probably not getting married any time soon."
"Why not?"
"Because he sold his soul to save his brother and now he's going to Hell." I told him sadly.
Trevor laughed before he got serious when I didn't respond to his humor. "You aren't serious are you?"
"Sadly, I am." I told him. "So I'm going to be alone in just a few weeks here."
"Evy…" He said sadly.
"Don't sound like that." I said and smiled at him.
"I'm sorry. I just…don't know what to say to that."
"It's alright. Neither do I." I told him. "That's kinda why I'm here. I just need a break from the fact that I can't save him. He's going to die and there is nothing that I can do about it."
"Nothing at all?" He asked gently.
"Nope. Sam and I have gone through anything and everything over the past year and nothing is going to be able to save him." I told him matter-of-factly.
"I wish there was something I could say. Other then, 'I'm sorry'." He said softly.
"It's okay. I'm sorry too." I said and gave him a small smile. There was a small pause before I put the cheer back into my voice. "So, let me live vicariously through you for just a few more days." I grinned at him.
He gave a short laugh and nodded. "Okay."
We drank and talked the night away. When Tasha came back I allowed her to ask any questions she wanted. I could understand if she wanted to know more about me. More about what was out there and what I did. It was almost fun talking about it with someone knew. Being able to share what I knew with another human being. The thought of just having the knowledge out there made me feel like I was making a difference. So that if something happened maybe someone would be able to help. Not that I would wish this life on anyone. But if they could help then it would all be worth it.
The wind blew over me as I lay on the bed that sat on the beach. The sun was at the perfect height, the ocean was magic to my ears. I smiled when I felt an arm move around me. I turned and Dean was smiling down at me. I ran my fingers down his face as I gazed into his eyes. He kissed me. Kissed me like he always did. I could fell his love in the way his lips moved with mine. His hand moved down my body. It was the perfect moment. The perfect feeling. But as soon as it had come it disappeared. The sun was covered with clouds as thunder and lightning started to roll in from the water. It was then that the growling reached us. Followed by the barking. The snarling. The tracks in the sand.
"Dean…run!" I yelled.
We were both sprinting down the beach. The sound was getting closer. I was ahead of Dean, but could hear his steps close behind me. I glanced over my shoulder, for just an instant, before the sand caught my feet, sending me to the ground. Dean turned to help me when the dogs caught up with us. They attacked him. Ripping his flesh apart. Blood spilling out onto the sand. I screamed for his life. For help. For anything that would save him. But nothing came…nothing happened. The hellhounds had done their work. Leaving Dean a mangled mess on the sand. Rushing to him, there was no saving him. He was gone. I couldn't control my screaming. Just wanting him back.
Then the scene changed and I was alone in a dark room. Alone with a single light lingering over my head. I yelled for help but there was no one there. I was alone. Without Dean I was utterly alone.
I opened my eyes to the moon shining through the window. It was time. I had had my break and now it was time to return to the man I loved. To return and wait to watch him die.
"It's the middle of the night." Trevor stated.
"I know." I smiled at him. "But it's time. I gotta get back to Dean."
"Okay." He said, still groggy from sleep.
"Thank you, so much, for letting me stay."
"Anytime." He said and hugged me tightly. "I mean that."
"I'll remember that." I smiled and hugged him one last time. "And you." I said pointing at the dog. He perked his ears and cocked his head. "You better be just the way you are." I smiled and hugged the dog, placing a kiss on the top of his head. "I'll keep in touch." I told Trevor over my shoulder.
"After it happens." He said and got a sad expression. "I'm here for you."
"Thank you." I smiled and left.
But there was someone I had to find before I returned. I had yet to break down. I had been hiding this past week. Pretending that my fiancé wasn't doomed. Pretending that I had something to live for when all of this was over. There was one person that would fully understand. Who would be able to tell me everything I needed to hear. Or everything I didn't. Probably both. I could only hope she wasn't too far away.
"Ellen?" I said, forcing the words through my mouth.
She was half way across the country but it didn't matter to me. I needed to see her. Jo was with her. But it didn't matter. If she needed to see me at my worst then that was okay with me. I hadn't realized how much I needed her until I saw her. The moment our eyes met she seemed to know what was going on. The tears started and I fell to my knees, she grabbed me, falling with me. I wrapped my arms around her neck and sobbed. I had been in pain before. Over Jim. Over John. Over Dean's infidelity. Over Sam's death. Over…over so many things. But this topped them all. This blew everything else out of the water. The pain I was feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. I never thought I'd have to feel like this. Trying to hold it in and do what people wanted of me. To be strong. I was so tired of being strong. Things always went from bad to worse. Everything seemed to fall apart and just when you think you picked up all the pieces, it crumbles again. It was crumbling now and I couldn't take it anymore.
It took too long for me to calm down. Ellen held me tight. Not moving till I leaned away from her. I couldn't imagine what I looked like. It was lucky we were in the middle of nowhere. I leaned back, sitting in the gravel. I brought my knees up against me, rocking back and forth as I looked at her. Silent tears still streaming from the corners of my eyes. Ellen was still kneeling in front of me. The saddest expression I've ever seen on her face. Jo was standing behind her frowning. Ellen was being patient. Jo was looking anxious. It didn't matter. I couldn't talk right now, even if I wanted to. The sobs started again and I leaned my forehead against my knees. I heard the shifting of bodyweight. They were just going to wait me out.
Getting control of myself I looked at them. "It's about to happen." I told them though I could hardly get the words out. They just looked at me. "The end is near." I said and nodded to myself, another wave just itching to come out.
"Baby, you're not making sense." Ellen said gently.
"I'm gonna be alone." I said as tears started to stream. "I'm gonna be alone and there is nothing I can do about it."
"Evy…" Ellen said moving in front of me. She placed her hands on my knees and looked me in the eye. "What is it?"
"Dean…" I said having to take a moment before going on. "Dean's deal. He's going to Hell and I can't stop it."
"What?" Jo said stepping up to us.
I looked at her. "It's so screwed up. Everything is so screwed up." I said putting my head against my knees again.
The sobbing started again. Ellen embraced me, which only made me cry harder. But it was for the best. I needed to get this out now. Now, before I had to face it for real. But at some point the tears would have to end. They waited for the tears to stop before they finally got me to my feet. I followed them, in my latest stolen car, to a ratty motel they had been staying in. But ratty meant uncomplicated. Meant we wouldn't be bothered. This would give me time to break down and build myself back up. But my functioning level was limited at this point. This is what I wanted to do while I was away from him.
"Sweetie, can you just try and explain what happened?" Ellen said gently.
"You know what happened." I told her. "You were there."
"Mom?" Jo said frowning at her.
"Dean made a deal with a crossroads demon." I told her. "He's going to Hell."
"And you knew about this?" Jo shot at her mother.
"I didn't want to upset you. There's nothing we can do." Ellen told her daughter.
"But it's Dean. And you didn't think to tell me?"
"Lay off her, Jo." I told her. "Do you wanna look like me?"
"Where is he?" She asked.
"No, Jo. We're not getting involved with this." Ellen told her.
"So what is she?" Jo asked.
"A friend in need."
"I'm sorry if me being here is causing trouble. I just needed to see you." I told Ellen.
"No, sweetie, you're fine." She told me. "Jo, just calm down. We can't help Dean. But Evy needs us right now."
"Whatever." Jo said and left the room.
"I'm sorry about that." Ellen said sitting next to me on the bed.
"It's fine." I told her. "We've never really gotten along." She nodded. "I just needed a release and you would know what I was going through."
"Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. No one should have to go through this." She said running her fingers through my hair. "It's hard to take."
"Too hard." I told her as tears started to fall again.
"You'll make it through this. Dean will be okay. We'll find a way to bring him back." She said softly.
"No. I'm terrified that we won't." I told her and wiped the tears away.
"We'll figure something out."
"No." I said shaking my head. "I don't want you or Jo involved with this."
"You don't have a say." She told me.
"Yes, I do." I said nodding. "For me. Please. This one thing. Don't get involved. You said it yourself."
"But you're all family to us." She replied.
"And you're family too. But if something happens. If this fight goes south beyond south. You can't be around when it happens."
"I understand." Ellen replied.
"Good." I said nodding again.
"So, do you wanna talk about Dean?" She asked.
I gave a little laugh. "You already know how I feel. How he feels."
"But he's dying." Ellen stated. "How are you dealing with it?"
"Not well." I replied. "I thought I was dealing but the closer it gets the worse I'm dealing with it."
"That's understandable." She told me.
"I know it is. But he's been so cold. He tries not to be. He tries so hard but I can see it. It's in the way he does the job, it's in the way he talks to his brother, in the way he kisses me…it's in everything he does. But he won't admit to it. Sam won't give up and I'm stuck in the middle of it all. I love Dean. I love Sam. But I can't get passed Dean dying and I can't support Sam's determination. Dean's going to die. He is. But Sam can't face it and I can't take it." I told her quickly.
"That's some tough breaks." Ellen said sadly.
"Tell me about it." I said with a short laugh.
"So, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Dean?"
"Yeah, I should. But this little break down here is what I've been waiting for." I told her. "Now that's it's out I can desensitize myself to it."
"You can't do that." Ellen told me. "It's not healthy."
"Whether it is or not. It's needed. I'll be there for him till the end. After it's over then I'll let my guard down. But until then…I can't feel." I said looking her in her eyes.
She nodded. We sat in silence for a short while before I stood, heading for the door.
"Where are you going?" Ellen asked.
"Back to Dean." I told her.
"Just like that? You show up here, a wreck, and now you're leaving again."
"Pretty much. Yeah." I replied. "Thank you. You've actually helped me more than you know." I smiled.
"Good." She smiled back. "Take care of yourself."
"I will. You too." I said and walked out of the room.
Jo was sitting on a nearby picnic table. I went against everything in me to walk over to her.
"Hey." I said gently.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.
"Why would you want to know?" I countered.
"So I could say goodbye." She told me.
"And what good would that do?" I asked. "So you could see him once last time? So you could cry with him? He hardly cries with me so I doubt that would be the case. Saying goodbye isn't any better when you know it's coming, Jo." I told her. "Do you think I'm better off because I knew this was coming? I have been nothing but a wreck since I found out. To look at him the same way and not see him as a corpse. The nightmares alone would drive you mad. And now it's finally here and I can't face it. So, you are much better not seeing him. Not knowing what happened. It would be so much better if you had never found out. I wish I hadn't found out. He made a promise to me." I said touching my ring. "He made a promise and he's going to break it. Which you probably like. You always said it was wrong."
"Yeah, only I was proven wrong." She said quickly.
"What?" I frowned at her.
"You and Dean remind me so much of my parents." She told me. "You two are the real deal and I'm sorry that this is happening. It sucks."
"It really does." I agreed.
"And I thought you would make it all the way. Gave me hope that I could do the same someday. I wanted to believe that we could have that happy ending." She said with a laugh as a tear slid down her cheek.
"I hoped we could too. But we're hunters. As usual, something always keeps us from what we want." I told her.
"I'm sorry, Evy. For everything." She said sadly.
"It's okay, Jo. So am I." I told her.
There was a long pause before Jo finally asked, "So, we good?"
"Yeah, we're good." I smiled and shook her hand. That was about as sentimental as we were going to get. "I better go."
"Good luck." She smiled.
"Keep in touch." I replied and turned to the car.
I tracked the boys down a few states over. It was the middle of the night when I finally pulled in. My name was already on the room. There was a key waiting for me. I was quiet as I opened the door and slipped inside. I quickly changed and moved to my side of the bed. A smile crossed my face as I looked at Dean. He was on his stomach, his arm stretched out over my side of the bed; the picture of me from his wallet was on the pillow. It was so sweet I almost couldn't stand it. I moved the picture and sat on the edge of the bed. I gently ran my fingers through his hair, brushing his cheek with the back of my fingers. He stirred and looked up at me.
"Evy…" He said surprised.
"Shhh." I smiled and leaned over him.
"You're back." He said groggily as he rolled over.
"I am." I smiled wider, leaning down, kissing him deeply.
Crawling into bed, I laid on my side, facing him. He did the same, putting his hand on my neck.
"Everything okay?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said and kissed him again. "Go back to sleep."
"I'm awake." He said though his eyes were already closed.
"I know." I smiled and kissed his lips once more as he fell back asleep.